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Dealing with Performance Anxiety

When you first start out on your reboot, you’re going to be dealing with at least some performance anxiety. You’ve flooded your brain with dopamine from porn for so long that getting and maintaining an erection will be challenging from time to time. Performance anxiety is overwhelming and difficult to deal with, but it’s a part of the process. There are a few things you can do to minimize the time you spend dealing with it.

My Experiences with Performance Anxiety

I’ll start out by sharing one of my own experiences with you. One night when I was in college and still struggling with my out of control behavior, I was out with some friends at the bar. I saw this beautiful Brazilian girl there who was on one of the sports teams at my school. We got to dancing together and even made out a little bit.

At the end of the night, I suggested continuing at her place. We headed back to her house and were going to have sex but then I couldn’t perform. As beautiful as she was, as much as I desired her, I couldn’t get an erection. I had this gorgeous woman in front of me and nothing was happening.

I managed to get a little bit of an erection when I started thinking about scenes from pornography but couldn’t even maintain that. I felt terrible. I wasn’t only anxious that I couldn’t follow through but I was also worried about her judging me. This was an awful, embarrassing, and frankly a pathetic situation to be in.

Your Own Performance Anxiety

So how many times have you found yourself in a situation like that? It could have been with your wife, your girlfriend, or even some woman you tried to hook up with. It’s something I struggled with and carried for many years. It eventually prevented me from really even getting close to women I was attracted to because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to perform. 

Over time, this leads you to throw away many opportunities. You start to create a lot of issues for yourself. There are women you meet who you’re interested in but you’ll likely sabotage it. You look at it thinking, “What’s the point of moving this forward? Despite anything I’ve done, even though I’ve put my best foot forward, at the end of the day I’m going to disappoint her.”

Eventually, you start internalizing all these limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. You might be right in some cases but you’re probably wrong more often than you think though. The truth that I’ve learned over the years, dozens and dozens of women later, is that your performance anxiety depends on one thing: the woman.

There are two types of women that you should concern yourself with when it comes to performance anxiety: 

  • Experienced women such as your wife, your long-term girlfriend, women who have been with many men, or women who have been married in the past
  • Less experienced woman, such as a younger girl who hasn’t had sex with many men

How do these two women differ?

Experienced Women

Most men who are concerned about their performance anxiety are with women who are experienced. They’re thinking of their wife or their long-term girlfriend or even the casual one night stand. Here’s the thing, though: experienced women tend to be less concerned with your performance anxiety. 

Think about it this way. If this woman is experienced, she’s already been with multiple men. She’s had all kinds of sex with different men prior to you. This means it’s not the first time she’s dealt with a man not being able to get it up.

Another thing about experienced women is they’ve been with men who have all different penis sizes. This is important to note because men like us who struggle with pornography have a warped understanding of penis size. We think it matters more than it really does. But your experienced partner is with you for a reason, meaning she’s already interested in and likes what you’re working with. 

Finally, experienced women understand that sex isn’t always going to be great. There are times where someone’s mind is in a different place. Some days one of you isn’t that into it. The same is true for one night stands, usually more often than not. It’s extremely rare for the sex to be that great.

Women with experience know all of these things. They realize that sex isn’t always going to be the best and that you not being able to get an erection isn’t the biggest deal. They’ve been in the position before and know it’s not necessarily something to do with them.

Inexperienced Women

The case is a bit different for inexperienced women. Sure, they’ve met or even dated several guys but they haven’t actually had sex with many of them. Maybe they got married when they were young, recently got divorced, and are just now getting back out into the dating scene. 

I’ve tried hooking up with women like this during my reboot period, too. There were times I wasn’t able to perform because I was still rewiring my brain. I found these inexperienced women were far more likely to be judgmental than the experienced women.

It’s usually because these inexperienced women still deal with a lot of insecurity. Many of them aren’t comfortable with their sexuality yet and tend to blame themselves. These women think you can’t get it up because you don’t find them attractive. They don’t yet realize that men aren’t able to perform all of the time. 

At the same time, they’re blaming themselves, you’re also blaming yourself. You know the real reason for your struggles but you can’t explain this to her. Women who are inexperienced and blaming themselves tend to lash out at you instead. They point the blame at you to protect themselves from feeling hurt.

What Can You Do About It?

Don’t worry – there are some things you can do to deal with your performance anxiety. This is especially true and important for men who are married or in long-term relationships. Try out these things and see if any of them help with your performance anxiety or porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED).

1. Get your testosterone levels checked

You first need to get your testosterone levels checked. 9 times out of 10, the men I work with find their testosterone levels are low. Tons of men are walking around with the levels of an 80-year old man; of course you’re going to have some performance issues. Get your levels checked and then talk with your doctor about how to get them back to normal levels.

2. Control your behavior with pornography

Your testosterone levels contribute to the problem but the main issue stems from your pornography addiction. If you weren’t addicted to watching pornography you wouldn’t have as hard of a time with your performance. You need to control your compulsive behaviors with porn and masturbation because they’re only going to keep the problem going.

3. Adjust your mindset

Listen, realize that if you’re with a long-term partner like your wife or girlfriend, she already likes you. This woman is invested in and cares about you. Your performance anxiety probably doesn’t affect your relationship as much as your response to your anxiety. That’s what’s really affecting your relationship. You need to adjust your mindset surrounding your PIED as you work on it.

4. Focus on foreplay

If you’re still early in your reboot and know you’re going to have a hard time getting an erection, focus on foreplay. Spend time focusing on foreplay and it’ll give you more opportunities to reach the point where you can perform. Even if you aren’t able to get there, though, you and your partner can still have a fun time with foreplay.

Dealing with Your Anxiety

So that’s it today, brothers. Remember, experienced women aren’t going to worry as much about your performance anxiety as you do. They’ve been in the situation multiple times before. It’s only going to be as big of a deal as you make it out to be.

With inexperienced women, their judgment often comes from their own insecurities. They’re worried you don’t find them attractive and don’t realize that men not being able to perform is a pretty common thing from time to time.

That doesn’t mean the ball is completely out of your court, though. You need to start by doing the four things I mentioned above as you start to get a grip on your performance anxiety and PIED. It’s going to take time, patience, and practice to get back to normal levels. You can still go out and have a good time as you’re rebooting if that doesn’t send you back into a spiral of out-of-control behavior.


J.K Emezi

Hi! I’m J.K. I’m here to help you quit your porn and sex addiction, and achieve a healthy, happy and fulfilled life.

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