About twice a month, I have conversations with different brothers in our intensive program who ask about masturbation in moderation.
It’s a common curiosity that many share. They’re usually men in the middle to late stage of their reboot who are starting to differentiate between normal, healthy sexual urges and urges caused by their out-of-control behavior. These men usually are not in a relationship but they are casually dating.
You might have found yourself wondering the same thing at one point or another in your reboot: “Can I masturbate in moderation?”
Personally, I’m not an advocate for masturbation in moderation. When you have a history of pornography addiction, there’s a slim chance that you can masturbate without taking it too far. Some brothers are capable of it but you cannot find out in the early stages of your reboot, anyways. You won’t know whether your attempts are successful until your brain rewires.
Men who are in the later stages of their reboot have a bit more leeway here, though. While masturbation in moderation doesn’t work for me, nor does it work for plenty of other men, I still try to handle the question on a case-by-case basis.
Typically I find that there’s something deeper at play when a brother brings this question up in our conversation. He might say, “I’m dating but I’m going through a dry spell right now,” or, “I’m in a long-distance relationship and she hasn’t been in town in a long time.” On the surface, this seems fine, but dig a bit further and oftentimes the real question is, “I’m afraid of being vulnerable with or risking rejection from a woman, so can I mask that pain with masturbation?”
Oftentimes brothers use the excuse of seasons when they ask me this question. They insist it’s a season for advancing their career or building their physique, and they don’t have time to dedicate themselves to finding a woman. However, it’s usually that they aren’t willing to risk getting vulnerable or being rejected so they would rather take the easy way out.
I hate to inform you, brother, but life doesn’t work the way that it does in porn. You don’t have instant access to hundreds of beautiful women whenever you want them. That sense of instant gratification instilled by your porn addiction symptoms takes time to overcome, but masturbation in moderation isn’t a technique that will help you get there.
I recommend learning to put yourself out there. I know it isn’t easy given the state of the dating world today. The apps are exhausting and women ghost left and right. It’s tiresome to feel like you’re trying all the time yet getting rejected constantly, but you must learn to experience pain without turning to pornography or masturbation to soothe it.
When you’re feeling like you want to masturbate in moderation, I suggest finding an alternative solution. Go hang out with some friends, join a club, sign up for a class at your local community center, participate in a rec league, get to the gym, read a book, or some other form of entertainment.
Turning to masturbation as a way to self-soothe or pass the time is not an option for you anymore. You also must learn that you don’t have to submit to every sexual urge you experience. You shouldn’t give your urges that much power over you; your urges do not control you.
Once you learn to identify and handle your emotions properly, though, occasional masturbation may become an option for you. Some brothers are married or in serious relationships and their partner gets sick, is pregnant, or has some mental health struggles. Masturbation may be okay if it’s not within his morals to go out and have sex with another woman.
Again, I ultimately believe this is best considered on a case-by-case basis. Masturbation is not for men in their early reboot. It’s not for men looking to avoid emotional pain or vulnerability or the possibility of rejection. It’s not a way to pass the time or let off some steam. And if you’re not in a position to recognize why that’s the case, then masturbation in moderation probably isn’t for you yet, either.