I truly appreciate the group of men we’ve built here with the Porn Reboot program.
Our free Facebook group is full of men working hard every day to become better. They always bring some fantastic questions to the table and I like sharing the best of them here with you.
Today’s question comes from a brother who wondered about rebuilding maturity during the reboot process. He says:
“In J.K.’s live video sessions, he alluded to his own experience with an immature sub-personality whose development was arrested during youth. This always resonates with me because I notice similar elements in myself.
One sub-personality has a childlike view of relationships and women. Another sub-personality pushes me to almost compulsively make jokes or poke fun at things, even during inappropriate situations. And I have yet another that is overly sweet, ingratiating, and apologetic.
All of these sub-personalities make frequent appearances and each of them betrays my values. They interfere with the pursuit of my best self and a better life. How do all of you recognize and overcome these inconvenient sub-personalities?”
This is a fantastic question. It’s a very challenging one, but it’s great. These aspects are probably things that you relate to in one way or another. You might have some of them yourself or, if you don’t, you have some other traits that you want to overcome.
There’s a widespread belief among men in the group that you must immediately change all these unfavorable parts of your personality to be successful in your reboot. While recognizing them is necessary to grow, I don’t agree with the sentiment entirely. Some aspects of your personality take months or years to change while others may never change entirely.
I believe this idea is a result of the thought that your behavior with pornography entirely changes your personality. I don’t agree with this completely either. Sure, porn affects your personality to some extent but that isn’t the case for everyone.
Sometimes it’s more like the chicken-and-the-egg conundrum: did your personality lead to your porn use or did your porn use mold your personality? The answer isn’t always clear and it’s often not the best use of your time trying to determine the root cause. There are better ways to work through your personality defects instead.
Start by taking responsibility for where you are in life. Your behavior is no one’s fault but your own. You may have gone through some difficult things in your past but it’s time to realize that no one is coming to save you. It’s your responsibility to save yourself.
There are plenty of resources available to you that can help you change your life. Here at Porn Reboot alone, we have this blog, a YouTube channel, a podcast, and a free Facebook group for our members. You have so much information about your condition and how to overcome it, right at your fingertips.
Focus on the aspects of your life that you can change. Look at your diet, your fitness routine, how committed you are to the obligations in your life. Are you giving all you can at work? Do you show up for your family? If you make changes in these areas, the effects will carry over into your personality.
Change Your Community
Changing your community is another important part of adjusting these unfavorable parts of your personality. If you are in a community of people who won’t challenge these “negative” aspects you’ll have no reason to change. You’ll never get any sort of constructive feedback from people.
On the other hand, when you have relationships with healthy people they will be transparent and upfront with you. They’ll encourage you to reflect on your behavior. They will call you out when you’re slipping, saying, or doing something inappropriate.
I noticed this immediately once I started putting myself around the right people. They would point things out to me when I was out of line. One time a friend told me, “Hey man, that thing you said at a party that was way out of line. You shouldn’t have said that to that lady.” I was forced to look directly at my behavior for the first time and it encouraged me to make some changes.
If I was hanging out with my old crew, they never would have told me that. They probably would have responded in the complete opposite way. They would have thought it was an edgy or badass thing to say. But since I started spending time around healthy people, they pointed out that it wasn’t.
Patience is one of the most difficult things to develop but you must if you want to be successful in your reboot, especially in regards to shifting personality traits. As men with pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, we struggle with instant gratification. Making these changes, though, happens anything but instantly. Porn addiction recovery takes time.
In the beginning, you won’t notice the small, minute changes happening in your daily life. Until your sexual behavior is under control, you’re always going to second-guess any changes that happen. It takes time to recognize yourself as a changed man. You won’t start seeing these changes in the different aspects of your personality until you’re in the later stages of your reboot process.
I promise you, brother, as long as you continue working and moving forward, though, that progress will happen. One day you’re going to see how far you’ve come from the man you came to the Porn Reboot program as. Keep the faith, continue working, and trust in the process.