“My girlfriend and I decided that to protect her heart, I don’t share anything about my reboot slip-ups unless she specifically asks exactly what she wants to know. Sometimes when we’re catching up about our days, though, I’ll have acted out that day. Like she’ll ask how my midday nap was but I watched porn instead of taking a nap. I feel horrible lying to her but I want to keep our agreement. How do I handle this?”

This is a fantastic question because it’s something many men in committed relationships deal with during their reboot. Many spouses and partners of men with a porn addiction problem experience extreme betrayal trauma. 

When a man first ends his out-of-control behavior with porn, sometimes his spouse wants to know where he is going and what he is doing at all times. She wants to know whether he’s still watching porn, what type of porn, or what the women he’s watching look like. These women feel unbelievably hurt and for good reason. 

This brother’s question means he and his girlfriend are in a good position given the situation. She is aware of his out-of-control behavior and he understands how his behavior hurts her. It sounds like she’s allowing him enough space to work on his reboot without her getting too invested or involved.

However, it also sounds like this brother is someone trapped by the idea that he needs to be honest at all costs. I don’t hold to this belief, especially when it comes to the reboot process. I don’t believe you should lie to your partner but I also don’t think you need to tell her about every slip that occurs.

I think you should have a conversation with her upfront instead. Let her know that slips are often part of the reboot process but you don’t want to put her in the middle of things. Explain that you have a coach, a therapist, and accountability partners to work through those slips with. Tell her you understand that she didn’t sign up to be your accountability partner, nor did she sign up to be hurt. Acknowledge the damage you’ve done and help her see how talking with her about any future slips will only do more harm than good.

If you’re honest about the possibility of slips from the beginning, it eliminates the need to feel like you’re lying by omission. You shouldn’t drag your partner through the weeds every time you slip; it’s your responsibility to fix it and keep her from dealing with the repercussions of your behavior.

Find a way to discuss situations like the one our brother outlined above without bringing up the slip. For example, he could tell her that he had a lot on his mind when he laid down so he wasn’t able to go to sleep. 

He doesn’t need to bring up watching porn because it’s ultimately irrelevant. He should talk about the emotions that led up to the slip instead. Perhaps he was tired from the gym or stressed about an intense workload. He could bring these things up and talk them through with his girlfriend so he is honest without needing to talk about his slip.

I recommend you do the same in your relationship, brother. It’s not your partner’s burden to bear, it’s yours. You must find a way to work on your behavior without stringing her along through the process. You don’t need to be completely transparent about every slip but you do need to let her in on what’s going on.

Knowing the fine balance of how much to share is something you learn during the reboot process. Over time you won’t deal with slips as frequently, either, so you won’t have to keep skirting around the topic. The Porn Reboot system works, brother, and both you and your partner will benefit from the work you do.

The post Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

1) Letting down others. Your success and wealth place you in a position of influence. You may be a mentor to some people, have family members who look up to you and employees, partners and business associates who look to you for guidance and leadership. You also know that demonstrations of power, wealth, and leadership lead others to sometimes assume that you are a model for not just financial success, but personal integrity as well. Your fear of letting down all these people can keep you from taking the responsibility of admitting that have a serious problem and seeking help.
This also ties in with entitlement. You may feel that you deserve everything you have and more-including your current sexual life- as out of control as it might be. A sense of entitlement can cause you to believe that it is impossible to have a problem with addiction. Others around you whom you employ, or who depend on you financially may be reluctant to point out your self destructive behavior for fear of losing your support or their jobs. Seeking help and recovery from your addiction will put you in contact with recovery professionals whose opinion is not influenced by your status or affluence.

2) There is no rock bottom: Unfortunately, for a high successful person, there is rarely a “rock-bottom” moment such as losing a spouse, losing your job or home. An abundance of resources and a secure financial situation insulates you from these revealing experiences, making it difficult to realize that there is a serious problem affecting you. A good example would be the numerous sexual assault accusations which have been publicized in recent months beginning with Harvey Weinstein. When there is a legitimate sexual addiction involved, it is not until a woman publicizes the behavior of an addict- usually a symptom of their compulsive behavior that they experience “rock bottom” for the first time in their life. Even then, in many cases, the “rock bottom” effect which exposes one to potentially life saving consequences can be reduced by well deployed public relations and legal action.

3) Financial concerns. If you are a highly successful person who is facing a challenging financial transition in your business, an out of control sexual behavior does not help. You may have a tendency to dismiss treatment for your addiction because you feel that it is a waste of time and resources when compared to the financial emergency at hand. For instance, some of my clients have dipped into their company expenses to finance their compulsion to hire high end prostitutes, others maintain the lifestyle of multiple mistresses and feel obligated to do so for fear of losing them- against the advice of their accountants and financial advisers. You don’t make the best financial decisions when compulsively chasing sexual highs or when high on substances. The reality is that your decisions made while under the influence of addiction leads to a worsening of any existing financial crisis and seeking support for your addiction can only help you.

4) Fear of leaving work.  Your position at work is important to you and is the ultimate validation of your achievement. To maintain this position and identity, you may have the belief that you cannot take breaks or vacations. If you do, you might jeopardize the success of your company or position which you have achieved through incredible amounts of hard work. When you struggle with a sexually compulsive disorder, your performance at work is adversely affected .This is inevitable and the fear of losing your career can slowly build up. You may even have started mixing drugs with your work and sex to enhance both the experience and to keep you working longer, more focused hours.You feel that you can balance both work and your out of control sexual life by using drugs.

5) Inability to identify with other addicts: The common stereotypes of addicts are poorly dressed, homeless, disheveled people on the street. Popular culture, TV shows and what you see on the streets on the way to work emphasize this . Your self image as an individual who is in control, who dresses well and who has power makes it difficult to accept the reality that addiction can affect anyone. Sex and Porn addiction is no different than a substance addiction. You are still addicted to chemicals, albeit the chemical cocktail that is released in your brain when you expose yourself to pornographic material or chase a sexual experience compulsively. Addiction can affect anyone regardless of net worth, social status, or how functioning you believe you may be.

6) Risk to reputation: No successful, wealthy professional wants to risk their addiction affecting their reputation in anyway. If there is even the slightest risk that there will be a legal record of their behavior, the fear will cause them to conceal their behavior even more. However, it is precisely for this reason that you should seek professional help with your addictive behavior- the longer you wait to seek help, the higher the chances of legal repercussions and damage to your reputation.

7) Hidden by other disorders: Sometimes, a sexual addiction is hidden by addiction to other substances such as pain killers, opioids or anti depressants. Often, a highly successful individual may spend years dependent on prescription medication which keeps them oblivious to other issues that they may struggle with. A past history of trauma could also be obsured by not only the abuse of prescription medication and opioids ,but by false beliefs such as the belief that one has a high sex drive even though your sexual behavior may be causing adverse effects to your relationship, your career, health and finances.

8) Divorce and Children: Its no secret that the divorce rate among highly successful CEOs, business owners, executives and other affluent individuals is high. Admitting to sex addition can not only be a one way ticket to divorce, but can put the successful persona at a serious disadvantage when it comes to custody of their children or even in divorce proceedings. This fear only serves to make you conceal your behavior even more- much to your detriment. In the meantime, you try your best to maintain the illusion of a perfect family.

9) Rationalizing Behavior: High confidence can cause you to rationalize your behavior to extremes. Some common rationalizations I usually hear are:
“ I have sex with prostitutes because I too busy and don’t have time for relationships “
“ I watch porn because its the only way I can get an erection these days.”
“ Its how I de-stress from a busy day.”
“ I only do these things when I’m on the road/ on business trips.”
For those who mix substances with their out of control sexual behavior, I also hear variations of:
“ My doctor prescribed this medication, that why I take it”
“ Drinking helps me deal with stress.”
“ Sex is much better on (insert substance) and I can still work the next day.”
The dark side of great confidence is a great rationalization for addictive behavior.

10) The stigma of addiction: Sex and Porn addiction come with the stigma of weakness, failure, and poor judgment which are not qualities associated with successful, high performing individuals. If you are a celebrity in your industry or highly visible, the stigma of such an addiction can make it very difficult to become vulnerable and honestly seek help.

J.K Emezi is an Addiction Recovery Professional and the Founder of Elevated Recovery International, which offers solutions for sexually compulsive disorders in high achieving professionals.
You can visit his practice at www.elevatedrecovery.org as well as his Youtube Channel

The post 10 Reasons Why Highly Successful People Don’t Seek Help for Sex & Porn Addiction appeared first on Elevated Recovery.