Sometimes when I speak to clients to check in on their progress, they’ll say that things are going great.
Life couldn’t be better. Their relationship with their wife has improved. She’s going through her process of dealing with betrayal trauma. He’s so much more focused at work.
He’s communicating well with his accountability partners. He’s glad that he finally has serious accountability partners. He’s overcome some urges using coping strategies and tools learned in the Porn Reboot program. He hasn’t yet experienced a slip.
Everything sounds well and good, but then our concierge or a reboot strategist checks in with him and the story is different. The picture he painted for me sounded a lot different than the one he explains to the concierge or strategist. It’s not always complete chaos but it’s often not as accurate as the story I received.
It’s not only men in the Porn Reboot program, either. Some guys schedule a call to learn more about the program and connect with one of our reboot specialists. They aren’t ready to commit yet for one reason or another but say they’ll talk to their wife then give us a call back.
When we don’t hear back from these guys, we wait a few days and then reach out to them. They usually let us know they haven’t talked to their wife yet but say that things are much better than a few days ago. They’re implementing some of the strategies they discussed on the phone and found control over their behavior again. In reality, most of these guys have already slipped.
Why do men do this? Are they purposely trying to lie?
I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve done this myself in the past before I successfully rebooted. I found that there was a story I told myself about where I believed I should be that didn’t line up where I was. I wanted so badly to overcome my behavior and kept telling myself I was fine even though I couldn’t stop slipping.
Here’s the thing: we lie about where we’re at because of shame. It’s the reason I lied to myself about where I was and it’s the reason men who get on calls with me do it, too. The shame we feel about where we are led us to create a fictional story about where we believe we should be.
We have plenty of men who join the program but don’t implement it the way they could right away. They get two or three weeks in and feel they should be further ahead of where they actually are. So they create this story in their head and tell themselves they’re doing great when, in reality, they’re still right where they started.
It’s not easy to admit that you’re struggling. It’s even harder to admit that you’re struggling because of the choices you made. But until you’re willing to get honest about where you are in your reboot, you’ll continue to sell yourself short. You can’t progress in the Porn Reboot program until you tell the truth about where you are in the process.
Once you admit the truth to yourself, though, then you can start moving forward in your reboot. You can uncover the things getting in the way of you doing the work that needs to be done. Honesty is the missing piece in the equation.
I want you to take some time to sit down and write honestly about where you are in your reboot right now. If you’ve been around for a while you know that I’m a big supporter of putting pen to paper. There’s nothing more powerful than writing out your thoughts and putting them on the page in front of you.
What is it that’s getting in your way and keeping you from progressing? Are you struggling with the discipline necessary to reboot? Is laziness a problem in your life that gets in the way of you doing the things you need to do? Do you honestly want to reboot in the first place or are you not ready to do the work?
It might be painful to honestly recognize these things but I promise it’s far less painful to do this than to continue down the path of addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. The short-term pain required to overcome the long-term struggle will be worth it in the end.
There’s nothing you’re dealing with that another man in the Porn Reboot program hasn’t already struggled with. It feels embarrassing to admit these things sometimes but I can promise you that you aren’t alone.
You can move forward from where you stand, no matter where you are. Once you know the truth about where you are in your reboot, you’ve laid the foundation for getting back on track. Get honest with yourself, get honest with the group, and keep moving forward in your reboot.