Today I’m going to answer a question that is frequently on the minds of our brothers who are in committed relationships or who are married: “What do I do if I’m in a committed relationship and I still feel the need to be desired by other women? What if I still feel a very strong sexual desire for other women? Does this have something to do with my porn use?”
The first thing I want to let you know is that this is a very common situation. We don’t have many men who speak up about it; though, because of guilt or shame. It often feels wrong to want to be desired by other women when you’re already with somebody. I’m going to dive into the societal, cultural, and religious programming that fills you with these feelings.
The False Ideal of Perfection
Whether it’s influenced by society, culture, or religion, most of us have an ideal programmed into us. We believe there’s a certain level of perfection we need to attain when we’re married or in a committed relationship. I’m generalizing here of course, because not every relationship is the same, but there’s a lot of shared understandings for women and men.
Women have certain expectations to deal with: She cannot gain weight. She is expected to love you forever. She’s expected to not cheat on you. All these things are implied because you put a ring on her finger.
Then men have their own set of expectations on their part. You’re expected to be the provider, and you have to be there for her. It’s your job to take care of her and eventually to take care of your family as well.
There are also expectations of you two as a couple. You’re expected to keep having sex, to remain faithful. Usually, there’s nothing wrong with these expectations. Most of us have an innate biological need to pair up with another person. Again, I’m speaking generally, but many people want to partner up with someone at some point.
Oftentimes, though, we pay too much attention to the social, cultural, or religious programming that got us there. We don’t pay enough attention to the biological part. See, the thing is our biology is our biology. It doesn’t care about the programming. The only thing you can do is force your programming over your biological urges.
Problems arise when you force too much programming onto your biology, though. You repress your biology when you work against it instead of with it. This leads to men or women who feel strong urges eventually stepping out on their relationship by having sex with other people or viewing pornography.
Programming vs. Biology
Chances are if you’re in a relationship and you are here, you most likely watch pornography. What does pornography have to do with being attracted to other women, though?
It’s funny – when I ask men who are in committed relationships, who are okay with viewing porn, “Do you think this has anything with your desire to have sex with other people?” They’ll respond, “No! Absolutely not. It’s just my programming. I love my wife and only want to have sex with my wife. Pornography is just entertainment.”
If there’s no need to have sex with other women, though, why do you watch pornography in the first place? Why aren’t you biologically satisfied with your partner? I get all sorts of answers to this but at the end of the day, it comes down to programming.
Many men who are asked this question usually feel guilty. Both men and women feel that wanting another person means there must be something wrong in the relationship. They also feel that all relationship problems can be fixed. Marriage counseling is a common way couples try to work through these problems.
Truth is, the programming part of the relationship can be fixed. The societal, cultural, and religious programming can be fixed. However, you cannot fix your biology. You only have two options when it comes to your biology: you either work with it or against it.
The Influence of Programming
You have a strong biological urge to continue your lineage by spreading your seed and impregnating different women. It’s why you see other attractive women and feel the urge to have sex with them, even when in a committed relationship.
Your societal, cultural, or religious programming teaches you to repress those urges. You’re conditioned not to act out on it, to stuff it, to not think about it. Repressing it leads to compulsive sexual behavior, though, like porn, masturbation, and sex.
Programming does not explain to you why you shouldn’t act out on these urges, though. Religious programming tells you it’s a sin, that you’re bad and you’re going to burn in hell. Social and cultural programming tells you it’s a bad thing to do, that you’ll be ostracized from your community.
Neither of these things talks about the biology of your attraction to other women, though.
Working With Your Biology in a Relationship
If you want to work with your biology, you have to accept the fact that you have desires for other women. Don’t run away from it. You’re a man, you’re a human being, and you’re going to see other attractive women. There’s actually nothing wrong with that. Once you can accept it, you can start to work with it.
Ultimately, it’s advantageous to be in a committed relationship. I’ve grown incredibly by being in a committed, intimate relationship and it’s the same for most men. At a certain point, many men want to find a partner they can spend their lives with. In order to do this; though, we do something that we call, “rewiring your brain to monogamy.”
You’ll learn to see a woman who is beautiful and attractive without having a significant biochemical reaction to her. You reach a point where you’ve conditioned yourself through the reboot process to acknowledge that about her without carrying it any further.
You can see a woman, appreciate her, and then move on with your life. You have no sexual urge to do anything with this woman because you are committed to your partner. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous she is. You can appreciate that because you’re a human being with biological desires, but you’ve also trained your brain to prioritize monogamous intimacy.
It’s not just sex for the sake of sex with your partner, either. Rewiring your brain for monogamy is much more than that. It’s true intimacy with your partner because you’ve chosen to commit to being intimate with only her.
Over time in the Porn Reboot process, you’ll find that your values and principles will even change. This isn’t only about attraction to other women if you’re in a relationship. It’s much more than that. When you’re going through the reboot process, it’s a complete transformation of your life. We’re not just changing one part; we’re changing the entire thing.
Ready to take the next step?