How often do you have sex? If it’s not often I think that needs to change.
Now, I know not everyone is going to agree with my beliefs. You might even think I’m encouraging some people to push their boundaries by recommending that you have a lot of sex. But having sex is an important thing for you as a man and it’s something you need to address.
When you were stuck in your addiction and problems with compulsive masturbation, you likely ended up putting actual sex on the back burner. Sure, it was something that was on your radar but you were busy wrapped up in your fantasy world of pornography.
Now that you’re in the process of rewiring your brain it’s time to look at your relationship with sex. Real sex, not pornography sex. Why do I think you should have lots of it? I’m going to cover a few reasons that I’ve realized during my years of working with men in the Porn Reboot program.
Why You Avoid Sex
Over the years I’ve learned that a lot of men do not prioritize sex for a variety of reasons. Your avoidance usually falls into one of three categories:
- Conservative or religious upbringing
- Societal reasons
- Loss of confidence
Conservative or Religious Upbringing
Men who grow up in a conservative or religious household tend to adopt restrictive views on sex. They believe they need to wait until they’re in a committed relationship or they’re married. They need to achieve a certain level of stability before they can start forming sexual relationships.
Some men who live in a society where it’s frowned upon to have casual sex also develop limiting beliefs about sex. They’re surrounded by people who insist that sex is something that needs to be taken seriously, not casually.
Loss of Confidence
Finally, the third group tends to be men who lost confidence in their ability to have sex. They’ve struggled with their behavior for so long that their feelings of guilt and shame are too great. Their lack of self-confidence transformed into de-prioritizing sex for one reason or another, whether due to rejection, porn-induced erectile dysfunction, or something else.
Sex is As Old As Time
We wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for sex. Our civilization would not exist. The majority of the world’s population wasn’t made in a petri dish, after all. People have had sex for thousands and thousands of years. It might seem obvious but it’s true. There’s nothing wrong with or bad about sex in general; it’s necessary for humanity to continue.
But it’s odd that the same society that exists as a result of sex also diminishes it. Society carries many limiting or flat-out false beliefs about sex that hold men back from following through on their urges. What are some of these false beliefs?
Why Your Understanding of Sex Might Be Wrong
Our society built a bunch of ideas around sex to control the way you think and behave. Some of these ideas do come from a logical place. For example, it’s not the best idea to go around having a ton of unprotected sex. You can get sick or you can pass something onto someone else. But if you’re safe and responsible about your behavior, there’s nothing wrong with having sex.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the compulsive sexual behaviors that got you here in the first place. If having sex is part of your out-of-control behavior you need to address that issue first. But if you’re simply a man with a high sex drive who wants to have a lot of it, that doesn’t make you a freak, a nympho, an addict, or any of those labels people use.
Another misunderstanding is the idea that if you’re truly in love with someone you don’t have to have sex all the time. If you’re not having sex with your partner then something is wrong. Sexual urges are part of a healthy relationship and are nothing to be ashamed of. When you’re with a partner who insists you don’t need to have as much sex as long as you’re in love, it might be time to re-evaluate that relationship.
You Don’t Need To Avoid Sex During Your Reboot
I talk with a lot of men at the beginning of their reboot who believe they need to avoid sex entirely. Unless your compulsive behaviors involved problematic or compulsive sex, you can absolutely have sex during your reboot. Whether it’s with your girlfriend, your wife, or casual relationships with women, you can still have sex while going through your reboot.
At the same time, it’s important to learn how to be intimate. I’ve talked before about the problems that pornography creates in terms of how we view women. You should be actively working on your reboot and cultivating awareness as you start engaging in sexual relationships with women again. But you shouldn’t feel like you need to avoid it or be entirely abstinent during your reboot.
If you don’t struggle with compulsive sex as part of your out-of-control behavior, I don’t see any benefit to abstinence. Sex on its own is a healthy and beautiful thing, a necessary part of being human. I see too many men trained to stay away from sex because of this negative spin on it. They see it as something shameful or dirty, not something that is a natural desire.
As you work through your reboot, getting connected with your sexuality is part of the progression. If you have the opportunity to have healthy and intimate sex, you definitely should. And I also want you to know that if you’re a man who’s avoiding sex for religious reasons, you shouldn’t feel pressured to partake, either.
My point is you shouldn’t allow the beliefs of others to hijack your personal belief system. Every man needs to determine how sex fits into his life based on his own beliefs and morals. You should decide for yourself whether casual sex is going to be a part of your experience and you shouldn’t feel ashamed if you decide if it’s for you.