“Part of my desire to look at porn has to do with the fact that I still want to have sex with other women even though I’m in a relationship. I act out to give me that experience without ‘cheating.’ How do I reframe this mindset to have the right perspective about having a healthy porn-free sex life?”

First of all, wanting to have sex with multiple women is natural. Whether that’s a “good” or “bad” thing depends on you, your values, and what you were raised to do. Plenty of men enjoy a fun, hookup-filled youth. They slept with many different women and made the most of it during the times they could. 

Having these sexual experiences is crucial early on, before choosing to settle down with a partner. I think that we can all agree that being in a committed relationship does mean that having multiple partners is out of the question. 

Some men choose to get married early and never have a hookup phase. They found a woman they love and care about but sacrificed the opportunity to have a range of sexual experiences. After a decade or two, though, I find that some of these men regret never giving themselves that chance.

This brother admits that part of the reason he views porn addiction problems is to keep him loyal to his partner. He suppresses the biological urge to sleep with a variety of women by watching things play out on a screen. While I think that’s an important realization to come to, it doesn’t work for men who deal with compulsive sexual behavior.

Committed relationships make our lives easier as civilized human beings. It relieves us of the time-consuming biological aspect of jealousy. This frees you up to focus on other important aspects of your life such as caring for your family and performing well at work. It also increases the vital sense of intimacy between you and your partner.

Pornography robs you of your ability to be intimate with your partner. Sure, you may have sex. You might even have a lot of sex. But sex doesn’t necessarily equate to intimacy. Watching hours and hours of porn caters to your most primal desires and strips away all intimacy, one of the most important aspects of human relationships.

Although it’s natural to want to sleep with many different women, you’ve decided to commit to the woman you’re in a relationship with. Millions of men over the years have found a way to be in committed relationships and remain monogamous which means you can do the same.

Feeling attraction for other women isn’t a reason to act out on your compulsive behavior. It’s not ran excuse to continue watching porn. You can’t justify the detrimental effects that your behavior has by saying it keeps you from stepping out on the relationship. There are plenty of more fulfilling ways to live your life that don’t involve cheating on your partner.

If this is something you’re actively struggling with, I invite you to join us in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. There are tons of men in there who understand exactly what you’re going through and can likely share a story or two about their own experience. You’re anything but alone in this experience, brother. All you have to do is reach out for help.

The post “Help! I’m Attracted To Other Women While Married!” appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

“Hey, J.K., as I continue to improve for my reboot, I notice that I go about my days doing work, studying for certifications, and looking for entertainment options, but I realized that I don’t have a consistent, fulfilling hobby that I’m good at. 

Sometimes I think I’m not good at anything or that I can’t do anything special. I know you’ve talked about having a purpose as being a luxury, but what is your take on how to discover hobbies or interests? Is it better to focus on controlling my behavior and sticking with things that feel boring or mundane for the time being? Or do you recommend seeking out hobbies?”

If you’re struggling with an out-of-control sexual behavior or porn addiction, chances are some parts of your life are suffering. Maybe your marriage is failing, your career is backsliding, or your friendships are nonexistent. There are at least one or two things that drove you to finally address your compulsive behavior.

This means your reboot should consume most of your attention, time, and energy. Managing your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation must take the front seat if you truly want to change your life. You can’t address these difficulties in your life if you don’t dedicate yourself to fixing the thing that’s causing them.

At the same time, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any fun, either. The Porn Reboot system is a structured approach to controlling your behavior but it doesn’t mean that you have to live a miserable life after learning how to stop porn addiction. If life were boring and unfulfilling without porn, men would never be able to leave their compulsive behaviors behind.

You can find endless amounts of excitement and fulfillment in a porn-free life. It’s not a dull, unbearable way to go through life. In fact, cutting porn out of your life allows you to reconnect and re-engage with life in a way you haven’t been able to for years.

I fully support you going out and finding hobbies you enjoy. Although your reboot always needs to come first, there is plenty of time in your day outside of your reboot routine and activities that you can fill with interests and hobbies.

I’m sure you have some things you enjoyed before you sunk into an ever-worsening cycle of porn addiction. You had hobbies as a teenager or young adult that you enjoyed. Start by getting back into some of these things. Join an adult sports league in your community or find a local meetup for outdoor activities you loved in the past.

If you can’t think of any past hobbies you enjoyed, use your spare time as an opportunity to explore all the possibilities available to you. Think of things you always considered trying but never found the time to get around to doing. Maybe you’ve wanted to run a Spartan race, try your hand at an open mic, or take cooking classes at a local community college. You have the freedom to try these things today – make use of it!

I believe having a hobby helps immensely during the reboot process. When you quit using porn and masturbating multiple times throughout the day you’ll find that there’s likely a lot of time to fill. Your addiction consumed much of your days, nights, weeks, and months; take that time back and use it to your advantage now.

If you need some ideas for hobbies to try out or to share your hobbies with some of the porn addiction recovery brothers, check out our free Facebook group. Let us know what you’ve been doing with all your spare time and find some brothers who share the same interests and hobbies. Or maybe you’ll find an activity you never thought of trying before. Come and join us today!

The post Does Having a Hobby Help Your Reboot? appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

These brothers have been asking for help for ten years now. Some were 22 when I first heard from them, and now they’re 32 with a life that looks the same, or worse. Others were about to turn 40 and I warned them that this was their last shot to get their lives together, get into a relationship, and start a family. Today they’re 50 years old and still pitifully addicted to pornography.

We’re in a difficult time right now. The last few years were filled with adversity. The men who chose to control their behavior from the first time they reached out fared well throughout the chaos and uncertainty. Those who were focused, disciplined, and mentally strong continued to thrive during these times. 

However, men who used porn, sex, and masturbation as coping mechanisms may have survived, but they surely didn’t thrive. Relying on compulsive sexual behavior only resulted in a miserable struggling existence. 

And if you’re in that latter group, today’s message is for you. 

The stress reflects physically on your body. You found yourself soft, pudgy, and weak from stress eating. You’re fueled by sugar and caffeine. Your girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to have sex with you if you can’t achieve an erection. You can’t get hard or stay hard because you chose pornography over her. You’ve become boring. You chose a life of domesticity over adventure and learning. No one wants to sleep with the man they argue with over the dishes every night.

If you’re single, you may wonder why women won’t date you. You don’t bother to groom yourself. You dress comfortably, which is a nice way of saying you’re a grown man who dresses like a schoolboy. You’re overweight and your best features are obscured by the bloat from the fast food you shovel into yourself every day.

You feel entitled to women who are 10s because you watch them in porn while you’re barely a 5 on your best day. You lack ambition. You play video games all night. You smoke weed every day. You live to be entertained. If you ever manage to get a girlfriend, she’ll have to find a sugar daddy because you’re too busy seeking pleasure to be a provider.

You’ll likely have to settle for the lowest-hanging fruit when it comes to women. You’ll hang onto her because you know you won’t find better. And then you will spend the rest of your life secretly jerking off to women you truly find attractive online.

You’re weak. You’re stunted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re unable to prioritize. You’re mentally consumed by a constant diet of unfiltered garbage information that you allow into your head. The news, nonsense YouTube videos, pointless podcasts, endless Reddit threads, Wikipedia black holes, and perma-scrolling Twitter, of it, fill your head with useless information that makes you think you’re smart.

When was the last time you created something? What was the last original thought or idea you formulated? I’m not talking about repeating talking points that someone else gave you or buying into the hive mind of whatever group you’re a part of.

Your emotional capacity is next to nothing but you’re always emotionally charged. Your erratic emotional range consists of numbness, irritation, anger, depression, loneliness, excitement, and fear. Instead of experiencing the emotional capacity of a Boeing 747 that flies intercontinental, you’re a paper plane that can barely reach the back of the classroom and is destined for the trash.

You’re spiritually bankrupt, too, even if you believe yourself to be a Christian. Your religious affinity only pays lip service to the type of man you wish you were. But what would your congregation think if they saw your browser history, your secret apps, and your external hard drives? I bet they tell a different story.

Your behavior is a growing cancer of the soul. You’ve spent empty years lying, desperately trying to hold up your shining image while living a double life. This is no way to live, brother. You’re falling apart, relying on your limited social circle for validation while destroying yourself every day.

If you’re at all interested in rebuilding your life and thriving in the years to come, it’s time to seriously reconsider your life. You could have saved yourself this last decade of destruction had you only followed through on the help you initially sought.

Honestly ask yourself what holds you back from taking action to overcome your porn addiction problems. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe you just don’t care and you’re stuck in a cycle of apathy. You know you have a problem but you’re fooling yourself by thinking you can handle it alone if you’re stuck in the same place 10 years later.

I know I sound harsh today but I feel disheartened. It’s painful to look at an email thread I can follow back to 2012 with a man who has clearly done nothing to change his circumstances. It feels wrong and I can’t sit back without saying something, especially as a man who has been where you are.

I think men who struggle with porn addiction live on a slightly altered timeline. We don’t seem to realize how time flies. The years slip by but we’re so busy consumed by our porn addiction symptoms that we miss the signs. Instead of seeing ourselves as the problem, though, we blame other things for our wide range of shortcomings.

The description above is probably painful to read. It may not describe every aspect of your life but I’m sure there are at least a few attributes that describe you. And it might seem like there’s nothing you can do to change, but professional help will make a difference. I’ve watched hundreds of men change their lives throughout the last decade of the Porn Reboot program a form of porn addiction counseling only with a better and effective method proven for years.

Have you reached a point that you can’t handle anymore? Are you ready to take responsibility for your life? I would love to see you join us in the Porn Reboot group and get started. Even if you don’t participate in the intensive, getting involved in our free Facebook group is a great place to start. You can learn what the Porn Reboot program is about and start implementing the system in your life today.

Quit watching time pass you by, brother. Take control of your life. Today can be the day that shifts the trajectory and pulls you from the pit of hopelessness you’ve landed yourself in.

The post Men Who Refuse to Seek Professional Help appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

1) Letting down others. Your success and wealth place you in a position of influence. You may be a mentor to some people, have family members who look up to you and employees, partners and business associates who look to you for guidance and leadership. You also know that demonstrations of power, wealth, and leadership lead others to sometimes assume that you are a model for not just financial success, but personal integrity as well. Your fear of letting down all these people can keep you from taking the responsibility of admitting that have a serious problem and seeking help.
This also ties in with entitlement. You may feel that you deserve everything you have and more-including your current sexual life- as out of control as it might be. A sense of entitlement can cause you to believe that it is impossible to have a problem with addiction. Others around you whom you employ, or who depend on you financially may be reluctant to point out your self destructive behavior for fear of losing your support or their jobs. Seeking help and recovery from your addiction will put you in contact with recovery professionals whose opinion is not influenced by your status or affluence.

2) There is no rock bottom: Unfortunately, for a high successful person, there is rarely a “rock-bottom” moment such as losing a spouse, losing your job or home. An abundance of resources and a secure financial situation insulates you from these revealing experiences, making it difficult to realize that there is a serious problem affecting you. A good example would be the numerous sexual assault accusations which have been publicized in recent months beginning with Harvey Weinstein. When there is a legitimate sexual addiction involved, it is not until a woman publicizes the behavior of an addict- usually a symptom of their compulsive behavior that they experience “rock bottom” for the first time in their life. Even then, in many cases, the “rock bottom” effect which exposes one to potentially life saving consequences can be reduced by well deployed public relations and legal action.

3) Financial concerns. If you are a highly successful person who is facing a challenging financial transition in your business, an out of control sexual behavior does not help. You may have a tendency to dismiss treatment for your addiction because you feel that it is a waste of time and resources when compared to the financial emergency at hand. For instance, some of my clients have dipped into their company expenses to finance their compulsion to hire high end prostitutes, others maintain the lifestyle of multiple mistresses and feel obligated to do so for fear of losing them- against the advice of their accountants and financial advisers. You don’t make the best financial decisions when compulsively chasing sexual highs or when high on substances. The reality is that your decisions made while under the influence of addiction leads to a worsening of any existing financial crisis and seeking support for your addiction can only help you.

4) Fear of leaving work.  Your position at work is important to you and is the ultimate validation of your achievement. To maintain this position and identity, you may have the belief that you cannot take breaks or vacations. If you do, you might jeopardize the success of your company or position which you have achieved through incredible amounts of hard work. When you struggle with a sexually compulsive disorder, your performance at work is adversely affected .This is inevitable and the fear of losing your career can slowly build up. You may even have started mixing drugs with your work and sex to enhance both the experience and to keep you working longer, more focused hours.You feel that you can balance both work and your out of control sexual life by using drugs.

5) Inability to identify with other addicts: The common stereotypes of addicts are poorly dressed, homeless, disheveled people on the street. Popular culture, TV shows and what you see on the streets on the way to work emphasize this . Your self image as an individual who is in control, who dresses well and who has power makes it difficult to accept the reality that addiction can affect anyone. Sex and Porn addiction is no different than a substance addiction. You are still addicted to chemicals, albeit the chemical cocktail that is released in your brain when you expose yourself to pornographic material or chase a sexual experience compulsively. Addiction can affect anyone regardless of net worth, social status, or how functioning you believe you may be.

6) Risk to reputation: No successful, wealthy professional wants to risk their addiction affecting their reputation in anyway. If there is even the slightest risk that there will be a legal record of their behavior, the fear will cause them to conceal their behavior even more. However, it is precisely for this reason that you should seek professional help with your addictive behavior- the longer you wait to seek help, the higher the chances of legal repercussions and damage to your reputation.

7) Hidden by other disorders: Sometimes, a sexual addiction is hidden by addiction to other substances such as pain killers, opioids or anti depressants. Often, a highly successful individual may spend years dependent on prescription medication which keeps them oblivious to other issues that they may struggle with. A past history of trauma could also be obsured by not only the abuse of prescription medication and opioids ,but by false beliefs such as the belief that one has a high sex drive even though your sexual behavior may be causing adverse effects to your relationship, your career, health and finances.

8) Divorce and Children: Its no secret that the divorce rate among highly successful CEOs, business owners, executives and other affluent individuals is high. Admitting to sex addition can not only be a one way ticket to divorce, but can put the successful persona at a serious disadvantage when it comes to custody of their children or even in divorce proceedings. This fear only serves to make you conceal your behavior even more- much to your detriment. In the meantime, you try your best to maintain the illusion of a perfect family.

9) Rationalizing Behavior: High confidence can cause you to rationalize your behavior to extremes. Some common rationalizations I usually hear are:
“ I have sex with prostitutes because I too busy and don’t have time for relationships “
“ I watch porn because its the only way I can get an erection these days.”
“ Its how I de-stress from a busy day.”
“ I only do these things when I’m on the road/ on business trips.”
For those who mix substances with their out of control sexual behavior, I also hear variations of:
“ My doctor prescribed this medication, that why I take it”
“ Drinking helps me deal with stress.”
“ Sex is much better on (insert substance) and I can still work the next day.”
The dark side of great confidence is a great rationalization for addictive behavior.

10) The stigma of addiction: Sex and Porn addiction come with the stigma of weakness, failure, and poor judgment which are not qualities associated with successful, high performing individuals. If you are a celebrity in your industry or highly visible, the stigma of such an addiction can make it very difficult to become vulnerable and honestly seek help.

J.K Emezi is an Addiction Recovery Professional and the Founder of Elevated Recovery International, which offers solutions for sexually compulsive disorders in high achieving professionals.
You can visit his practice at www.elevatedrecovery.org as well as his Youtube Channel

The post 10 Reasons Why Highly Successful People Don’t Seek Help for Sex & Porn Addiction appeared first on Elevated Recovery.