I like to cover the topic often, though, because it’s something that men ask a lot of questions about. Many brothers want to know which stage of their reboot they’re in and when they pass from one stage to the next. 

We’ve had some changes in the system since I last wrote about the Porn Reboot stages so it’s time for an update. 

Stage One: Pre-Reboot

The Pre-Reboot stage occurs when you’re still realizing that you struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. You’re motivated to find something that will help you change your habits and behavior that you’ve struggled to control on your own. But you’re still not sure whether the problem is truly as serious as you think.

There are three primary goals during the Pre-Reboot stage. First, you need to fully recognize your compulsive behavior. You must understand that you have a problem with pornography and out-of-control sexual behavior and that it’s negatively impacting your life. 

Second, you need to agree to behavior control. This doesn’t mean you have to decide to quit for good from the very first day but you do have to acknowledge that something needs to be done about your behaviors.

Third, you need to prepare yourself for dealing with the current crises in your life and the inevitable withdrawal that occurs. Maybe your marriage or long-term relationship is breaking down. You might feel stuck in your career or business, held back by your compulsive behaviors. Or worse, your porn use may be progressing into illegal material.

Finally, you need to allow others to help you. You’ll feel a lot of fear and resistance during the Pre-Reboot stage. Your limiting beliefs will crop up and try to convince you that you can’t fully commit to the process. But you’ll also begin to develop the trust and hope you need to move forward with your reboot when you open up and let others help you along the way.

Mastery of Stage One happens when you fully trust the Porn Reboot system with no excuses. You have no excuses to backtrack, quit, procrastinate, wait for the right time, speak to the right person, or even the old, threadbare idea that you can do it on your own. Once you have no more reservations left and are ready to commit, you’ve completed the Pre-Reboot stage.

Stage Two: Early Reboot

Stage Two is the Early Reboot stage. You’ve accepted that you have a problem with porn and compulsive sexual behavior and are ready to do something about it. You’re part of the Porn Reboot system now, whether that’s our free group or the implementation group, and know that it’s time to do some work.

The first goal of the Early porn addiction recovery stage is to finish processing the crises that brought you to the Porn Reboot system. Whether you lost your family, drove your business into the ground, ruined your career, or simply had a “come to Jesus” moment when you realized you couldn’t keep going doing what you were doing.

The second goal is to overcome any distractions that might arise and derail you from rebooting. You must be ready to deal with the strong emotions, the unresolved issues, and the stress that arises once you remove your coping mechanisms. Stage Two is when you recognize and eliminate these distractions without turning to porn and masturbation to do so.

Think about how many times you jerk off during the day. Wake up in the morning? Masturbate. Come back home after a heavy day at the gym? Masturbate. See a hot girl at the grocery store? Masturbate. Finish up a long day at the office? Masturbate. Get into an argument with your wife? Masturbate. 

This is exactly what we’re trying to combat during Stage Two. You’re going to learn skills to handle these situations without masturbating. You will set goals, develop routines, cultivate strong motivation, generate discipline and diligence, and learn to be fully present in each moment of your day.

Each of these skills is a win. You want to begin working to reach a place where you rely on these skills instead of pornography to make it through difficult moments. Developing them and experiencing these early wins is critical to building back your self-esteem. As self-esteem grows, you gather motivation and momentum that pushes you further along in your reboot.

The dangers of Stage Two include resistance, procrastination, fatigue, impatience, boredom, and apathy. You might find yourself feeling like you want to move through the process faster or bored with the routine of your new behavior-free life. If you choose not to apply your newfound skills and instead give in to these feelings, you’ll relapse before you even realize what’s happening.

The post Mastery of the Porn Reboot System: Part 1 appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

I like to cover the topic often,  because it’s something that men ask a lot of questions about. Many brothers want to know which stage of their reboot they’re in and when they pass from one stage to the next. 

We’ve had some changes in the system since I last wrote about the Porn Reboot stages so it’s time for an update. A few days ago I wrote about the first three stages of the porn addiction counseling – Porn Reboot system. Today I’m going to write about Stage Four and Stage Five.

Stage Three: Middle Reboot

You reach Stage Three once you’ve committed to the process of long-term rebooting. You’re starting to overcome the lack of motivation, distraction, negativity, and impatience that arose when you first experienced withdrawals. You may not notice any immediate results but are willing to stick with the system for the long run.

Porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior shrink your life down to a very small, isolated existence. You’re not as concerned with things like going to the gym, having an active social life, or connecting with your spirituality. You neglect and abandon these different areas of your life as your compulsive behaviors take over.

Now that the Pre-Reboot and Early Reboot stages set your healthy habits firmly in place you can shift your attention to your lifestyle. You can focus most of your time and energy on your mindset and behaviors. Stage Three is when you start to build these forgotten but crucial areas of your life back up. 

The Middle Reboot stage is also when you begin to develop a new identity. Since you’re not as consumed by porn addiction problems and masturbation, you have time to engage in activities that you enjoy. You no longer see yourself as hopeless or too far gone; you finally see that you have a chance to eliminate and overcome your compulsive behavior.

Skills you need to develop during Stage Three include increased awareness and not taking your reboot for granted. The second one is especially important because you’re starting to make progress now that you’re maintaining a consistent routine. This progress may lead you to believe that you can let off the gas a bit, but doing so will put you in the headspace for a relapse.

One of the significant dangers at this stage of your reboot is the feeling of being stuck. At this point some men find themselves overwhelmed with guilt that keeps them from taking further action. The guilt stems from remembering the things they have done, behaviors they engaged in, or people they have hurt. 

The overwhelming guilt is something that most men experience at one point or another during Stage Three. If you experience it during the Middle Reboot stage you’re far from alone. This is why it’s so important to have a guide that’s been through the process before you. You have someone who can walk you through these challenging emotions that begin to arise.

Another danger of Stage Three is finding yourself distracted by other self-improvement strategies. Now that you’re no longer acting out you may feel the need to look in other areas for additional paths to improvement.  While there’s nothing wrong with finding complementary approaches, you want to make sure that nothing takes precedence over your reboot.

Stage Four: Late Reboot

One of the major parts of Stage Four is addressing and working through the problems that brought you to porn addiction recovery in the first place. Stages One through Three keep most of the focus on you from overcoming your behavior to setting your new habits firmly in place.

The Late Reboot stage is when you can begin to tackle these external circumstances. Maybe you’re a man who is separated from your wife because of your behavior. You might not have the right to see your children because of your behavior. Perhaps you’re a single guy who’s avoided dating due to your porn-induced erectile dysfunction.

Whatever your particular circumstances are, Stage Four is when we start working through these. Part of this process involves changing your self-image and learning to develop true intimacy. You’ll only develop stronger relationships with healthy intimacy once you feel comfortable with yourself.

The skills you’ll build during the Late Reboot stage are self-trust, relationship skills, learning to live with pain, and asking people to meet your needs. Most men in the program never learned how to do these things because we shied away from the discomfort and sunk into our compulsive behaviors to self-medicate. However, each of these is a critical component of establishing strong relationships with people in your life.

Dangers of Stage Four include the fear of venturing into the unknown. You’re in situations that you’ve either never experienced or haven’t been in in years. You will feel worried about making a mistake or making the wrong decisions. This is a normal part of the process but allowing these fears and worries to completely consume you puts you at the risk of a relapse.

Another danger of this stage is the belief that you have no control over your life. Stages One through Three were about setting new habits in place. Now that you operate in the confines of these new routines, you’ll find there are certain things you can’t do anymore. Recognize that things like staying out late, binge drinking, or sleeping in aren’t the most conducive activities to building the life you want. You might slip if you allow resentment to take over instead.

The biggest danger of the Late Reboot stage is letting your attention stray from your reboot. Everything you’ve done up to this point, your routine, learning skills, and building reboot capital, all of it is necessary to be successful. If you neglect to keep working on these things, relapse is inevitable. No matter what happens in your life, keep your reboot the primary focus and everything else will work itself out.

Stage Five: Maintenance Stage

Stage Five is the Maintenance Stage. At this point your routine is in place, you’ve developed the skills you need, your relationships are stronger than ever before. You’ve built up a good amount of reboot capital, feel better about yourself, and are in the process of mending the situations that brought you to your breaking point.

Your focus during the Maintenance State is fixing the long-term neurological damage caused by your porn addiction and compulsive behavior. This is the stage where the true rewiring of your brain takes place. You’re removing old thought patterns that took years to establish and replacing them with newer, healthier patterns.

The goals in the Maintenance Stage are further growth and development. This is where you learn how to sustain your emotional control. When you deal with highly stressful situations that most normal people would crack under, you’re reaching a point where they no longer phase you.

You’ll come up against situations that you would have medicated with porn and masturbation in the past but realize that you don’t even consider these behaviors an option anymore. Pornography isn’t something you think of using to combat discomfort; you’ve learned to face and handle situations without hiding.

Stage Five is when you begin experiencing long periods of happiness, joy, and contentment that last. This is an important distinction: you’re no longer chasing short stints of false happiness through dopamine release; you’re now in a place where happiness is your state of being.

Sure, life will still happen. You’re going to have moments where you’re upset or angry, but these feelings are temporary now. They don’t consume you the way they used to in the past. You return to your state of contentment and peace without needing to act out on your compulsive behavior.

Overconfidence and complacency are the two most dangerous threats to Stage Five. While you no longer necessarily need the Porn Recovery Program once you’re at this stage, taking it easy is not an option. Being in the Maintenance Stage doesn’t mean you’re “healed” or “cured.” It means exactly what it says, that you need to maintain your success through continued action.

Overconfidence will have you thinking that you’ve got this, that maybe you were making a big deal out of nothing. You might convince yourself that you can go back to your old stomping grounds or spend time with buddies from before. Getting into this mindset is a slippery slope that will put you on a path to relapse faster than you realize.

There is never a time where you’ll be able to watch porn “normally”, brother. Even when you’re in the Maintenance Stage and no longer need the Porn Reboot program, you must remember what brought you to this program in the first place. You were crushed by a crisis you couldn’t overcome alone. Don’t take yourself back to that space. Stay the course and continue forward in this beautiful life that you’ve built back up.

Finding Support at Every Stage

The Porn Reboot program consists of two groups: the paid intensive group and the free Facebook group. If you’re new to the porn addiction recovery program and wondering whether the intensive is right for you, come check us out on Facebook. We’re a strong group of men in varying stages of our reboots and ready to offer support wherever you might be in yours.

You never need to handle your reboot alone, brother. Join us and find yourself immediately surrounded by a group of brothers who understand your struggle and are actively working to overcome their behaviors. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in Stage One or Stage Five; there’s a place for you among us.

The post Mastery of the Porn Reboot System: Part 2 appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

Porn addiction aside, the one thing that sucks the most is relapsing. In my years of living with an addiction to internet porn, I’ve made the decision to quit more times than I choose to remember.

I vividly remember the first time I relapsed after my longest streak without porn or masturbation. At that time, it was such a challenge to even go 1 week without getting on my favorite site. This time, I had managed 2 full months.

I relapsed on Day 92.

After that relapse I felt three main things:

1) Disbelief and Confusion: “How did this happen?” “I was doing so well!”.
2) Shame
3) Less confidence in myself. I basically looked at my self as someone who couldn’t be trusted to keep his word.

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you can relate quite well to all three emotions.

I’d like you to do something for yourself for a moment, though…

Think back to your last relapse- specifically, the week BEFORE your relapse.

Now honestly answer these questions:

Did you have a recovery plan?

Did you have boundaries or actions to take if you were triggered?

Were you checking in with anyone regularly?

Was there someone who helped to keep you accountable?

Were you being proactive about your recovery?

Were you being aware of the places you went, media you exposed yourself to and the thoughts you had?  

Or were you a little more “relaxed” about everything?

Did you have a self-care plan?

A support network of people who understood your problem?

Were you meditating, using affirmations, exercising, eating right, managing stressful situations, getting enough sleep or taking time off to relax?

The truth is, if you relapsed, there is bound to be a “No” or a couple of No’s in response to these questions.

All those questions above are related to something called RECOVERY.

When you are in recovery, your brain will inevitably REBOOT with time and you will be free of your compulsive behavior with pornography. It’s that simple.

Simple- but not easy.

So why aren’t most guys in recovery?

Well, I realized- after years of relapsing myself, that our way of viewing recovery is pretty skewed.

See,

“Wanting to be in recovery”, is NOT recovery
“ Installing a filter”, is NOT recovery
“ 90 Days NoFap” is NOT recovery

“Changing my habits” is NOT recovery

Those questions you answered earlier? That’s recovery.

Many of us think that a “relapse” is an event. Something that “happened”.

NO.

A relapse is not ONE event!

A relapse begins when you start missing parts of your recovery.

For instance, before your relapse:

Were you aware of your triggers?

Did you feel entitled? Like- “I’ve been doing so well without porn and masturbation. It has been a hard day, I deserve a break to watch porn.”

Were you watching Youtube videos with “sexy” content- you know, those triggering thumbnails?

Did you quit doing something that was really good for you- such as working out regularly, or eating well?

Were you frustrated with a particular situation, or dealing with strong emotions-perhaps a family issue?

When you experience any of the above and don’t fix them immediately, your relapse has ALREADY BEGUN.

Again, a relapse is not an event.

It is a state of mind.

So how do tell exactly when your relapse begins if it isn’t a solitary event?

Well, here is another set of questions to help you determine if your relapse has begun.

Who did you call after you relapsed?

What was the consequence to applied to yourself due to that behavior?

Did you change anything in your environment after the relapse? For instance, if you found out that a certain site on your device wasn’t blocked by your filter, did you immediately block it?

What sort of self-care behavior did you engage in after the relapse to uplift your mind, body, and emotions?

Now if your answer to these is “ I don’t do any of those.” or you only applied one of the four suggested actions, then you are STILL RELAPSING.

By now, some of you may be realizing that you’ve been in a state of relapse for YEARS.

Write this down on a piece of paper and stick it somewhere you can see it:

Your relapse is never over till you bring someone else in.

Having an accountability partner pulls you out of the cycle of relapse and helps your process the events prior to to the relapse while taking the next steps.

As time goes on, you will be able to answer these questions on your own and within moments. Getting to this level will require bringing someone else into your life as an accountability partner.

But what if you don’t have access to an accountability partner, or you don’t know anyone who could help you with accountability?

Well, we’ve got you covered with a solution. Before I get into it, I’d like to share a quick story from a college student who took advantage of this.

Case Study:

I had a college student reach out to me, at his wits end about his repeated relapses- we’ll call him “S.P” for privacy purposes. S.P was 22 years old, had been exposed to porn at 10 years old and been using porn and masturbating daily since he was 12. However, he had educated himself on porn addiction and made some changes in his life. The biggest change he made was installing one of the best internet filters on his laptop. This had managed to keep him off porn for two months.

The main problem was his smart phone which eventually led him to slip.

S.P fully understood the need for an accountability partner and had got on a call with me to find out if I could be his accountability partner for a time. Unfortunately, at the time, I was fully booked and couldn’t keep up with any more clients in terms of accountability.

He was in a permanent state of relapse and desperately needed something to help him in the moments before and after a slip. I gave him access to what a few hundred guys who didn’t have accountability partners or a structure to their recovery had been using and received an email from him two weeks later.

Here’s an excerpt:

“It’s such a change from the person I was 14 days ago who could barely put together a sentence in front of new people to the guy now who can talk with almost anyone without thinking about it. Also,  a couple of people have been telling me I look different, I’m not sure if its the way I carry myself or something else but they said they could barely recognize me from a distance. I do feel different though. I can’t wait until day 30 to see how much more I can change. I’m not going to sit around and wait for the changes though. I’m going to live and have fun and what happens happens.”

So, what got S.P back on track?

I gave him access to our free Facebook Group. The group contains a collection of actionable step by step videos where I walk you through what do after and before a relapse or when you feel an urge.

Every video equips you with a different skill set to manage your triggers, overcome your urges and make sure that you have control over your porn and masturbation habits

 

If you don’t have control of your urges and haven’t developed the necessary skills to manage them, then this private group is the best place to begin

Get access to the Group

To recap, here are the 10 Questions to ask yourself after a relapse.

1)Were you checking in with anyone regularly? Was there someone who helped to keep you accountable?

2) Were you being proactive about your recovery? Were you being aware of the places you went, media you exposed yourself to and the thoughts you had?  Or were you a little more “relaxed” about everything?

3) Did you have a self-care plan? A support network of people who understood your problem? Were you meditating, using affirmations, exercising, eating right, managing stressful situations, getting enough sleep or taking time off to relax?

4) Did you feel entitled? Like- “I’ve been doing so well without porn and masturbation. It been a hard day, I deserve a break to watch porn.”

5) Were you watching Youtube videos with “sexy” content- you know, those triggering thumbnails?

6) Did you quit doing something that was really good for you- such as working out regularly, or eating well?

7) Were you frustrated with a particular situation, or dealing with strong emotions-perhaps a family issue?

8) Who did you call after you relapsed?

9) What was the consequence to applied to yourself due to that behavior?

10) Did you change anything in your environment after the relapse? For instance, if you found out that a certain site on your device wasn’t blocked by your filter, did you immediately block it?

And if you have a question or comment, please post below – I’m always interested in hearing from you and I love answering your questions.

The post 10 Questions To Ask Yourself After a Relapse appeared first on Elevated Recovery.