“Hey J.K., I have a question about how we share our experience in this group. I often find myself trying to explain the goals and benefits of this program without pushing them to sign up. I find some people to be pretty open-minded about what we do here but others seem to think that what I do for my reboot is excessive or even unhealthy.

“I reflect on this in my journaling, knowing that what I do is beneficial for me so it shouldn’t matter what others think. But I still sometimes find myself feeling threatened by their judgment. Do you have any tips for people who find themselves prone to insecurity caused by the judgment from their close friends?”

This is a great question because a lot of men who embark on the reboot process fall off because of the opinions of others in their life. Sometimes it’s a man whose wife thinks he’s being a little too open and vulnerable with men she sees as strangers. She would rather him talk with their pastor or a local therapist instead of work with the porn addiction recovery group.

Other times it is friends who insist that putting aside time for a reboot routine every day is too much to ask. Every man in the Porn Reboot program has a routine that consists of some combination of meditation, journaling, and reading but this is too big of a commitment in some people’s eyes. They think it’s too regimented and think you could find an easier way to accomplish the task.

Ultimately, it’s normal to experience some resistance from those around you whenever you embark on a significant path of change in your life. Oftentimes your moving forward exposes others’ unwillingness to do the same. They want to maintain the status quo and feel bad when they see you progressing.

These people try to take you down a notch as you make these positive changes. There are plenty of phrases that describe the phenomenon, too: “tall poppy syndrome” or “crabs in a barrel.” This is because it’s human nature to feel threatened when others around you are leveling up in life. People tend to bring you down instead of rising alongside you.

They Judged Me, Too

When I was 20, I realized I was a complete loser that was headed for internal destruction if I didn’t make a change. I was lazy, failing out of college, had horribly low self-esteem, and wasn’t sure I was going to survive to see 30.

I didn’t want to see my life end tragically so I decided I was going to transform every aspect of my life. Everyone who knew me, my friends and family, all of them thought I was insane. They all hassled me whenever I made another positive change.

I started lifting weights at the gym and my family told me I wasn’t built to be a buff guy, that I didn’t have the genetics for it. I started a door-to-door sales job to overcome my introversion and my friends insisted I wasn’t cut out for the job. 

I didn’t let their judgment bring me down, though. I stuck with my convictions and made a massive transformation in my life. Over time, I became stronger and looked better. I worked through my fear of talking to people and became one of the best salesmen at that company.

Despite my successes, people still gave me a hard time as I continued pushing myself to grow more. When I decided to leave my career and start the porn addiction counseling which is the Porn Reboot program, friends and family tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I was going to forever be the “porn guy” because of the power of internet search engines.

I kept pushing forward, though, and today I help hundreds of men overcome their pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior every year. The work we do here at Porn Reboot is saving lives, saving relationships, saving careers, saving families, and none of it would have been possible if I would have listened to the naysayers when I was in my 20s.

Pushing Through the Judgment

At the end of the day, judgment is part of human nature. It’s natural for people to question you when you decide to make a significant change. Part of it is the threat that comes from your growth but another is genuine concern for your wellbeing. Your loved ones don’t want you to make bad decisions. More often than not they truly care for you.

But you must continue with what you know to be true for you. If you’re facing judgment because of your reboot, trust that it will pay off in the end. Their judgment will mean nothing once you’ve gained control over your behavior with porn  addiction problems and masturbation. Nothing can replicate the feeling of overcoming that which has dictated your life for years.

It won’t always be easy to push through the judgment but it will be worth it when porn and masturbation no longer threaten everything important to you. The time your daily routine takes is nothing compared to the time your porn addiction took from you. 

If you face extensive judgment from those closest to you, lean into the Porn Reboot group. Our free Facebook group is filled with men who understand what it means to be controlled by porn and compulsive sexual behavior. They recognize the extent we need to go to so we can live normal lives. They will offer support when you feel like you have none from the people in your life. You don’t have to deal with the struggle alone, brother. We’re here for

The post What to Do When Others Judge Your Reboot appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

“I feel like I have two options. One, I can accept that she’s the only girl I will ever have sex with and potentially regret that. Or two, I could leave her in favor of living out the hookup phase that I feel like I missed out on, but I may regret that later on. I don’t want to lose her just so I can have casual sex with women that may not even be as great as I imagine.

“Will I be able to make peace with the fact that she’s the only one I will be with, or will I have to accept this unfading feeling of regret? I’m frustrated with myself for not sacking up and being with some women while I was younger, before getting into a serious relationship. Does anyone have any advice?”

This brother brings a great question to the table. It’s something lots of men who get married while young find themselves feeling once they end their out-of-control behavior. If you missed the hookup stage of your life, you likely compensated for it with porn and masturbation. But once you remove these things, you’re faced with the reality of your choices.

Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer this question. Input from some of the brothers in the program may help but you’re the one who must live with your decision for the rest of your life. It’s useful to talk to men in similar situations and hear their experiences. However, no one is exactly like you and you need to choose for yourself.

First, I want to point out that pornography isn’t the reason you want to have sex with many women. Biology is responsible for that. Biologically speaking, you’re wired to spread your genes by fertilizing as many females as possible. Unfortunately, pornography hijacked this natural mechanism and magnified it to an unrealistic point.

Second, this brother mentions that he missed his “hookup phase.” I want to point out that there are brothers in the porn addiction recovery  group in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s who are having sex with multiple women. Your “hookup phase” is only over when you decide that it is. Our brother is only 27 – far from missing the window for having casual sex.

Personally, I don’t believe it is wrong to sleep with multiple women as long as you’re not leading anyone astray or being dishonest about your intentions. While some men see casual sex as an empty and unfulfilling engagement, I see it as the exact opposite. I never felt empty after having sex with a woman I wasn’t dating; I felt masculine, powerful, and primal.

I’ve now been in a relationship with a woman for 12 years, though, and have left my casual sex days behind. It’s not because I’m no longer attracted to other women but I was ready for the next season of my life. I made the conscious decision to let go of casual sex in favor of this next phase.

I had some time in my life when I had wild encounters with different women. It was a great time exploring myself through these different experiences. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. But I also reached a point where I was ready to leave those escapades behind because I found a woman who was worth letting go of those casual relationships for.

No one could tell me what the right decision or right timing was. Only I could determine that for myself. Through the porn addiction counseling process, I learned what was true for me and that enabled me to make choices that I feel no regrets about.

I assure you it’s not as late as you think. There isn’t only one woman in the world who is right for you. If you believe you’ll live the rest of your life regretting not engaging with more women, take the risk and experience it. Unless you’re married with kids you likely don’t have much to lose.

If that doesn’t sit well with you, though, then coming to terms with your situation doesn’t have to be filled with regret either. Pour yourself into building a deeper relationship and a stronger sense of intimacy with your partner. It’s likely you haven’t even scratched the surface of what you can develop together.

There is no right or wrong answer to feeling like you missed the hookup phase; there is only the answer that works for your particular situation. Don’t let the opinions or judgments of others get in the way of what you know to be true for you. As you progress in your reboot, the truth will be made clear to you and you’ll know which direction to go.

Until then, brother, you can find support in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can throw yourself into building different areas of your reboot capital. There is so much more to life than sex. You have so many opportunities and experiences awaiting you. Don’t neglect those as you wait for clarity on this one part! 

The post What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

“From what I understand, one of the goals of our middle reboot is to eventually cultivate a brand new sense of identity and embrace our new porn-free life. I believe that I’m still in this stage. However, do you ever look back at your past with strong emotions like pity or resentment for how you used to be? I’m having trouble reaching a place of compassion for how I used to be because today I see it as wildly repulsive and against my values.”

After talking with men for over a decade about overcoming their out-of-control behavior, I know how common this feeling is. Most men feel repulsed by their past selves at various points during their reboot. As you move further away from the man you once were, it’s normal to almost feel bad for that person.

No man wants to return to that dark and evil place from the past. It makes sense to think that way. But you’ll probably be surprised to hear that I don’t support looking at it this way at all. There’s some part of us that wants to see our past selves as evil people. 

In reality, though, that was never your intention. You didn’t set out to become an isolated, self-loathing man addicted to pornography and masturbation. That wasn’t your plan when you first stumbled upon a porn film or experienced an orgasm. You only wanted to feel that sense of pleasure and relief. Unfortunately, you chased that feeling for too long and reached a point where you lost control of your behavior.

Still, no matter what you did, that wasn’t what you set out to do. You aren’t the horrible person you believe yourself to be. And I think chastising yourself in this manner only serves to harm you, not help you. It does not make your reboot any easier.

You also needed that person to become who you are today. I don’t hate the old J.K. because if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I needed the darkness, the repulsive thoughts, and the abhorrent behavior to help the men that I get to help each day of my life now.

Shame and guilt are two very corrosive feelings. They are why you find yourself feeling the way you do about the past version of you. When you feel shame or guilt about the things you watched, places you went, or experiences you had, it makes you want to deny your old self.

You can’t brand the person you were in the past as evil and still think that you’ll become a good person in the future. If you do that, you’ll always want to keep your past hidden and suppressed. It will be the dirty secret you keep from the world, but how is that any different than when you were trapped in the cycle of your out-of-control behavior?

I’m not suggesting that you lead with the fact that you’re a porn addict. You don’t need to tell everyone you meet that you struggled with compulsive porn use and masturbation. But you also don’t need to hide from it either. You may find yourself in a position to help another man dealing with the same problem. But if you’re too busy engulfed in shame, you won’t use your experience to help him escape the cycle.

It might seem impossible to reach that place at times, especially when you first start in the Porn Reboot program. I’ve talked with hundreds of men and heard their deepest, darkest secrets. These are things they swore never to tell another soul because we know the black depths we can sink into during our pornography addictions.

Then after a few months of implementing the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system, I get to see these same men learn to love themselves despite their past. They embrace their flaws and accept the things they used to do instead of fighting against the reality of it. There is nothing more empowering than watching a man reclaim his life instead of letting his past life claim him.

Men come to the Porn Reboot program and learn to develop a set of standards and values that work for them. You don’t come here and adopt every thought, action, and behavior that I tell you to; you become empowered to find that truth for yourself. No one knows you better than you. The system equips you with the tools to determine what is right for you and to develop the confidence to stand on that deep sense of self-understanding without needing approval from anyone else.

I don’t leave you to figure it out all on your own, though. The Porn Reboot system includes tools you can use to embrace your past self. Self-compassion is a revolutionary approach that empowers you to view the old version of yourself with love and tolerance, not pity and hatred. Accepting your past is the only way to move forward in life, otherwise, your old behavior will still control you, even after you leave porn behind.

It’s an exciting thing to witness and I truly feel grateful for the experience. Selfishly, what I do makes my life worth it because I get a front-row seat to watch men overcome something I know the pain of struggling with. I never imagined I could overcome my pornography addiction and neither do many of the brothers I talk with every single day. But here we are years later living lives we only dreamed of.

When you have moments where you hate your past, brother, trust that it’s part of the process. We were all there at one point. As you learn to forgive yourself, though, you’ll find a new, beautiful life growing before your eyes. It takes time, work, determination, and dedication, but you’re now part of hundreds of men who have done and continue to do the same. It’s an incredible thing to experience, brother, and I can’t wait to see what you do.

The post What to Do When You Hate Your Past appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

It sounds cliché.

“You do you!”

You see it on inspirational Instagram influencers’ pages, hear it in TedTalks, and read it in just about every self-help book you could ever pick up.

But it’s my thought for the day and it’s important so I need you to stick with me.

Sexually compulsive behavior erodes your value system over time. It deteriorates the values introduced to you and built up by your society, religion, family, culture, and so on. Many of us were exposed to pornography at a very young age so we learned feelings of shame and guilt early on. Those feelings carried into our teenage years and adulthood and have lingered ever since.

How do you put together a sturdy set of values when your perception is skewed? Where do you begin when you’re still filled with guilt and shame after losing control of one of your most basic instincts at a very young age? What do you do to establish a strong foundation and build up your values again?

A Quote From Sir Richard Francis Burton

Sir Richard Francis Burton was a British explorer who lived during the 19th century. He’s credited with discovering areas throughout Asia, Africa, and the Americas. Burton is also well-known for being a polyglot, meaning he spoke multiple languages fluently. His historical resume is impressive and did a lot of incredible things during his lifetime.

I read a biography about him one time and found a quote in the book that has stuck with me ever since:

“Do what thy manhood bids thee do, from no one but self expect applause. He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws.”

Now, bear in mind before you continue, Sir Richard Francis Burton was a racist. There’s no denying his awfully racist beliefs. Morally speaking, he’s nowhere close to being a role model, a mentor, or someone whose main ideas you should adhere to. But when it comes to courage, there’s a lot you can learn from him.

If you can learn to expect applause from no one but yourself, you become unstoppable. There’s no groveling for the attention or approval of others. You don’t need to look to anyone else for validation when you can validate yourself. This is the first step toward re-developing the self confidence and self-esteem that you lost long ago.

Admittedly, there are all kinds of definitions of noble. Again, it’s undeniable that Burton was a racist. His self-made laws included abhorrent beliefs about people of African descent. Still, he had a solid set of self-made laws he lived by unapologetically.

Create Your Own Laws

You have to make your own laws to live by. I don’t mean live a lawless life full of adultery and killing; those are not noble pursuits. What I mean is you need to set your own standards while you’re rebooting because you have a long way to go to get beyond average. 

Men who develop pornography addiction early on fall behind as they grow up. Trying to measure yourself by the success and standards of your peers will leave you feeling less than and not good enough. And you need to move beyond the status quo, anyways. You have a lot to make up for after squandering the gift of life you’ve been given.

Men also have different ideas of what happiness and success look like. For some, having a wife and kids is the pinnacle of a well-lived life. For others, building a successful business and creating jobs is the ultimate goal to work toward. Don’t look externally for a set of standards to live by; determine them for yourself and start working toward them.

Be Wary of What Testosterone Bids You To Do

The first part of that quote is shaky ground for men who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior. You can never fight against your biology but you must be wary of what testosterone would have you do. The standards and values you develop should be far from the things that led you down the path of pornography addiction.

Run your urges through your filters and talk them over with an accountability partner. While you always need to follow your self-made laws at the end of the day, you should also be cautious when it comes to laws about your sexual behavior.

Take Honest Stock Of Your Life

Where are you at in life right now? How are you doing? Take a moment to consider this and answer honestly. If you look around and realize you’re not living a good life, it’s time to make some changes. You might be poor, lazy, or weak. Maybe you don’t feel masculine or you’re constantly envious of other men.

So ask yourself, what does your manhood bid you do?

For me, my manhood bids me work hard so I can live the life I want to and not be broke. My manhood bids me take care of my aging parents and my family. My manhood bids me work hard in the gym so I can stay strong, in shape, and have a good physique. My manhood bids me continue building a strong relationship with my long-term partner.

My manhood also bids me help men like you in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot program who are trying to overcome their out-of-control sexual behavior. My self-made laws center around helping other men out of the same predicament I found myself in all those years ago. 

When I base my life around these self-made laws, I feel like I’m on the right path and heading in the right direction. I never question the way I’m going because I’ve made and am now keeping my self-made laws.

Now it’s your turn. What are your self-made laws and how do you plan to keep them? It’s time to get to work, brother. We’re in pursuit of a noble life.

The post You Do You appeared first on Elevated Recovery.