I can hear you now, though.

“What?! J.K. what is happening? Did you relapse?”

No, I did not. Masturbating is not a big deal. But that comes with a serious caveat.

I’m bringing this up because it’s a common topic in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot Facebook group. Tons of men think that removing pornography from their lives means they’ll never be able to masturbate again. And that’s exactly what creates this problem.

Masturbation and pornography are not connected by default. You don’t have to watch porn to masturbate. But since you’ve spent the last 5, 10, 20, or more years associating masturbation with pornography, you have some work to do. You probably won’t be able to masturbate without slipping or relapsing, especially during the early phases of your reboot.

Masturbating puts men like you at serious risk of relapse if they’re still adherent to this false belief. If you don’t know how to separate masturbation from pornography, you have to go through the reboot process before you’ll be able to do it successfully.

Let Go During Your Reboot

How did you feel reading those last few paragraphs? Is letting go of masturbation something that sounds feasible? Or does that sound like a huge sacrifice you aren’t willing to make? Do you still believe that you’ll be able to watch porn and masturbate in moderation some day?

If your response was more aligned with the latter, you’re way too attached to masturbation and porn. You’ve got an unhealthy relationship with it and you need to take a break from it. That doesn’t mean you’re never going to masturbate again but it does mean you need to shift your view of it.

You need to completely remove pornography from your life and that often means letting go of masturbation during your reboot, too. There is no such thing as moderation for men who struggle with pornography addiction. You must give yourself the time to focus on the reboot process, learn to manage your emotions, and fix the issues in your life.

How the Reboot Process Works for Masturbation

The first 90 days of your reboot process are imperative. It’s when you first focus on letting go of pornography and masturbation and removing them from your life. Sure, you may slip during this period but you then come back with new data points and a deeper understanding of your condition.

As you build reboot capital, you begin developing coping strategies. What started as an intentional practice of letting go becomes less forced over time. You come to realize that there are other things more fulfilling than pornography, sex, and masturbation. You begin to experience joy within yourself and wonder why you’d want to ruin it with pornography.

This is the point where you realize that there are times to masturbate and times to enjoy other things. Masturbating isn’t your go-to form of pleasure or release anymore; you have many other areas of your life filled with things to enjoy. Masturbation isn’t directly connected to pornography anymore. It’s something you can enjoy now that your brain is rewiring.

Reconnecting With Healthy Sexual Behavior

Pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior destroy your concept of intimacy. There is nothing intimate about porn. Even the opening scenes that may feign tender moments are cast aside once the intercourse begins. Masturbating to a wide variety of these sorts of scenes creates an unhealthy idea of what sex is about.

Everyone has an intrinsic understanding of what intimacy is. It’s one of those things we are naturally created with. So it’s not like you have to build something that was never there; instead, you’re stripping away the hardened layers you’ve covered that innate intimacy with over the years.

Sexual urges are just as natural as intimacy, too. But when you’re used to experiencing urges based on your compulsive sexual behavior, it’s difficult to separate the two. Having wet dreams or feeling turned on around beautiful women are normal experiences. As you work on your reboot you’ll begin to reconnect with and understand the difference between your old behaviors and healthy sexual behavior.

Having Support Along the Way

You must have support as you work through the early stages of your reboot. Reconnecting with a healthy sexuality and recognizing when you’re testing the line is easier if you’re surrounded by support.

Like I mentioned earlier, this is a topic we often cover in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. It’s a private group filled with men in various stages of their reboot, from those in their very first days to those with a few years free from porn and compulsive behavior. If you haven’t stopped by already, I’d love for you to join us in the group today!

The post Is Masturbating During Your Reboot a Big Deal? appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

Awareness is one of my favorite topics to discuss. It’s a crucial tool for every person but it’s especially necessary for men recovering from out-of-control behavior with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation. Men who struggle with these behaviors are not incapable of controlling them; they’re simply unaware of how much control they truly have.

You’re unaware of the things that motivate you, the pain you experience, the source of your stress, and the impact of your limiting beliefs. You have every faculty necessary to recognize them but you’re not aware of how to access them. Teaching you to develop that awareness is the main part of what the Porn Reboot system does.

What is Awareness?

Awareness is the knowledge or understanding that something is happening. Self-awareness includes the ability to think about your thoughts, emotions, or feelings; to determine whether your behaviors align with your standards; to recognize why you take some actions and avoid others.

There are two main types of awareness. Public self-awareness involves understanding and focusing on how you appear to others. Private self-awareness refers to reflecting on your internal states. Both of these forms of awareness are crucial for being successful in eliminating your Porn Addiction Problems.

Why is Awareness Important?

Developing self-awareness is important because it gives you insight into your beliefs and values so you can determine whether your choices and habits are aligned with them. This knowledge empowers you to see where changes need to be made and to make informed choices. It gives you a direction to go so you can make progress and be successful.

The Benefits of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness involves so many positive benefits that it’s hard to think of reasons why you shouldn’t pursue it. Developing self-awareness not only keeps you in the present moment but it bolsters your emotional intelligence. It deepens your sense of empathy. It improves your listening skills and removes you from your head.

Self-awareness not only improves your internal awareness, though; it brings you outside of yourself, too. Cultivating self-awareness brings to your attention just how much time you spend in your head. It helps you see how removed you’ve been from the world you live in. 

One of the greatest benefits of self-awareness is the sense of confidence you develop. You derive self-confidence from gaining a more thorough understanding of yourself. You move through the world with your head held high because you have more clarity and positive intent. Your communication skills improve, too, which only increases your self-confidence.

How Do You Develop Self-Awareness?

Journaling is one of the most effective and quickest ways to become more self-aware. Write down your thoughts, emotions, and plans. Work through your mental stumbling blocks on paper. Once you start writing things down, you can track your progress over time to see what works and what doesn’t.

Meditation is another practice that helps you develop self-awareness. It doesn’t have to be as difficult as you may think, either. Too many people have false ideas of what meditation means. Sure, sitting on a cushion and remaining silent for hours of reflection is meditation. But you can also meditate while lying in bed, while sitting on your couch, or even while on your daily commute.

Meditation means developing mindfulness of your surroundings. It means bringing yourself into the moment so you can fully experience what is happening around you and identify how you respond to these things.

Here is an easy introduction practice to meditation. Start by closing your eyes right now and think of three things happening around you or within you. For example, focus on how your feet feel on the ground or your back on the chair. Pay attention to the sensations in your hands or on your face. Identify thoughts that cross your mind. Listen to the sounds in your environment. 

Pull three of these things to the front of your mind and focus on them. Recognize the responses you have to them. Don’t attach yourself to them, simply observe. Once you can hold three things at a time, add three more. Begin opening your awareness a bit at a time. Then bring more things into your consciousness as you progress.

Another important way to develop self-awareness is to reach out for help and support. Surround yourself with brothers in the Porn Reboot program who understand what you’re going through. Ask for guidance when you find yourself stuck. Seek out the experiences of other men who have been where you are now.

One of the best places to find this is in the Free Porn Reboot Facebook group. It’s filled with men at various stages of their reboot who know what you’re going through and are working through the same struggles. You never have to deal with your out-of-control behavior alone again; we’re here to help.

The post What Is Awareness While Quitting Porn? appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

People have varying goals and aspirations, things they want to see, places they want to visit, and hopes they want to see come to fruition. Maybe you want to have a family, buy a house, or start a business. Perhaps you want to move to a different part of the country or another area in the world.

At the same time, if you struggle with out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, you may feel hopeless about your future. You might believe that you’ve brought yourself to a point that you can’t come back from. Your future might look dark, dreary, and void of anything worth living for.

This is especially true for men early in their reboot. Most men don’t arrive at the Porn Reboot group until they’ve reached a low point. It takes a lot for a man to admit he has a problem and reach out for help. Some lose their jobs, some lose their homes, some lose their families, and some lose everything they have before they find us.

They come to the program simply hoping to end their compulsive behavior. They’ve likely tried at least a few different programs or approaches before. Nothing has worked, though, and their porn-free stints become fewer and further between. This builds a story in their minds that nothing will ever keep them from acting out or completely ending their behavior.

But then they find the Porn Reboot program and begin implementing the system in their lives. They find themselves able to live free from pornography, not because they’re forced to but because they want to. The future doesn’t seem as hopeless as it did before. They can see a light at the end of the tunnel, one with more worthwhile experiences than they imagined.

Here’s the problem with that mentality, though: the future never arrives. You’ll only ever find yourself in the present moment. I know this may sound a bit philosophical and woo-woo, but it’s true. You’re never going to find yourself in that far-reaching future; even when you get there it’ll still be now.

The only way to control your future is to control the present moment, brother. Whatever you hope to achieve in the future, take steps to achieve that today. Too many people view the future as a destination, an arrival point they’ll reach one day where all their hopes and dreams are fulfilled.

Sure, that may happen. You can take steps to set yourself up for the situation you want to live in. But at the same time, nothing is guaranteed. You could do everything necessary to build a successful life but there are always uncontrollable or unpredictable factors at play. And you never know when they’ll step in to disrupt your path.

You must release the false belief that your future is a destination. It only sets you up for failure. This is a more high-level approach for men who are new to the Porn  Addiction Counseling – Reboot system. It’s not easy to view the world this way and may even strengthen your sense of apathy if you haven’t yet gained a good hold on it. But it’s also one of the most freeing ways to move through life.

When you finally recognize that today is the only day you’ll ever have, you begin to approach each one with hope, enthusiasm, and love. Every moment becomes more precious to you. You embrace the fact that you never know when it will all be over and come to appreciate the true beauty of each day.

I challenge you to shift your perspective and take this approach today. I want to offer encouragement to my brothers who may feel down and out right now. There is hope and healing in the Porn Reboot program, something that seems so far off and impossible at times. But I promise you that we’re a group of men who have a solution that we used to think was impossible, too. I invite you to join us today.

The post Future is Not a Destination: Embracing the Present appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

I’ve noticed the same problems in many of the clients I work with, especially when they begin their reboot. It’s not a good thing when you want everything right now and when you need it to go your way.

Oftentimes this extends to wanting people to behave the same way you do. This creates a lot of frustration because people will never act exactly how you want them to. People are usually predictable to a certain extent, but you can never fully know what someone is going to do.

Intolerance and impatience are two of the most detrimental roadblocks to a successful reboot. I know this from experience because my impatience caused me to lose at least a few big opportunities in the past. I had to learn to let things play out the way they’re supposed to instead of the way that I believe they should.

Life doesn’t operate on your timeline; it operates on a timeline independent of your thoughts and feelings about it. Fighting against life only leads to frustration and disappointment. You must learn to detach yourself from expectations of all kinds.

Learning patience is a necessary skill in this type of porn addiction counseling. You’ll find that you don’t get everything you want the moment that you want it. This applies to work, to relationships, to developing skills, to success in your hobbies, and more. 

You can’t go out and expect things to change the moment you decide to do something. It takes time for change to take place. This means you likely won’t overcome your out-of-control behavior right away, which I make sure to emphasize in the Porn Reboot program.

It also means that the first woman you date during your reboot likely isn’t “the one” you’ve been waiting for. It means that you won’t bench press three places during your first few weeks in the gym. It means that you’re probably not going to be the star player in your rec league when you start playing.

But if you learn to be patient and stick with things, you’ll find that the results become more incredible as time passes. The more patience you have with the process, the more you’ll grow. If you develop the ability to carry out consistent actions you’ll be shocked at the things that will happen.

The old adage is right: patience is truly a virtue. It’s not easy to be patient at first but learning the skill will make a massive difference in your life. This is true for anything you set your mind to, from your reboot to your relationships to your career to your gym routine. No matter what you do in life, learning to be patient with the process will make all the difference.

The post Impatience is Not a Virtue: Embracing Patience in Recovery appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

Some men were more overt about placing blame while others did it subconsciously and may not have noticed. Either way, these brothers are all wrong. Pornography is NOT the problem. You might think it is. After all, isn’t that why the Porn Reboot program exists in the first place? But it’s not. Pornography is not as powerful as you think it is.

Think about it. Pornography has existed for much longer than you can imagine. Porn came about as soon as men realized they were able to draw on cave walls. We have ancient dick art on the walls of caves that date back hundreds of centuries! You might think porn is the issue but millions of people watch it without responding to it the way we do. While the detrimental effects of porn are another conversation entirely, it still doesn’t have the same effects on others as it does on men with out-of-control sexual behavior.

If you still believe porn is the problem, you’ll keep yourself stuck in the cycle of porn addiction. It probably feels like an endless problem because you’ll see it everywhere if that’s what you’re focused on. Things shown in television programs are increasingly lewd, Hollywood can get away with more suggestive scenes in lower-rated films, and some social media posts are as close to porn as you can get. I’m not denying that temptations exist, brother. I’m fully aware of everything that’s out there. But so long as you continue believing that those temptations are the problem, you’ll continue acting out time and time again.

You’re looking at the wrong problem, brother. 

The problem is not pornography.

The problem is that you are using pornography to medicate.

It’s not the porn that keeps you trapped in the cycle. It’s the emotion that comes up right before you turn back to porn to keep yourself from feeling it. You can’t treat the problem when you still believe it exists outside yourself. The moment you stop treating pornography as the problem and recognize the problem for what it truly is is the moment you begin to reboot. 

Remember that we treat slips as data here at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not interested in porn so much as I’m interested in what led up to it. I don’t mean the conversation with your buddies at the bar either, the one that got your mind racing and led you to relapse the minute you got through your door at home. I’m interested in the in-between: what emotion did that conversation spark and what were you trying to medicate by watching porn and jerking off when you got home?

It’s not the porn, brother. Your buddies at the bar can go home and leave PornHub running on their TV without a second thought, but not you. And not me, either. We aren’t like those guys, but why? If it were the porn itself, your buddies wouldn’t be able to control themselves with porn on the TV in the living room. So why can’t we?

It’s the emotions we’re using porn to medicate.

You must recognize that the problem lies within yourself, not on PornHub or YouPorn or Instagram, or Hollywood movies. It’s not the women at the gym or women at work or women anywhere. 

It’s you. 

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, though. It doesn’t mean you’re evil or pathetic or weak-willed. It simply means that you don’t respond to porn the way that other people do. But it also means that it’s your responsibility to find a way through. And it’s relieving to know that I’m the problem, not the porn because that means I am also the solution.

The same applies to you, brother. If you are the problem then you are also the solution. Your freedom from out-of-control sexual behavior doesn’t sit with any of the porn sites or social media or what women choose to wear. Your freedom from out-of-control behavior is within your power. It’s up to you to recognize that truth, take responsibility for it, and get into action.

It’s also relieving to know that you aren’t alone. You may feel like the only person in the world struggling with this problem, but if you were then the Porn Reboot program wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t have pages of blog posts, hundreds of YouTube videos, and millions of podcast downloads. The problem affects thousands more men than you, brother, and all it takes is a quick look in our free Facebook group to realize you are not alone.

I invite you to take responsibility for the real problem and to join us on the path to freedom from out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Once you accept that you’re the problem and recognize that you’re also the solution, you can only go up from there. Join us, brother, and find the freedom you’ve been searching for. It’s right here; all you have to do is join in.

The post Pornography is NOT the Problem appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

Is that hard for you to believe? If so, you aren’t alone. A brother in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group heard it on another YouTube channel and brought it to our group. He was having trouble wrapping his head around the idea that sex isn’t necessarily the thing to strive for. The way he sees it, men strive to work and generate wealth so they can attract women into their lives.

I notice this a lot with men who are still early on in their reboot. If you’re thinking this way you’re not the only one, but it also indicates where you’re at in your reboot. When men first start their reboot, they believe they need to experience a lot of novelty relationships with different women in order to feel satisfied.

Now don’t get me wrong – you’re biologically wired to think this way. At the same time, your pornography addiction destroyed your natural biological functioning over the years and left you thinking that sex is the end goal. It creates the false idea that your whole purpose as a man is to have sex with women. This seems to be especially true if you are a man who isn’t particularly successful with women to begin with.

I want to make it clear that I don’t believe having sex with a variety of beautiful women is a bad thing. In fact, I think it’s a wonderful thing and it’s something that I experienced and enjoyed before my committed relationship. If you don’t have any cultural or religious beliefs holding you back from that, go ahead and explore that aspect of life as a man if you would like to.

At the same time, don’t think that simply generating wealth and becoming a high-value man will automatically give you opportunities to have sex. There are plenty of men with little to no capital who can still pull women because they’re high-value in their own way. You don’t have to be a wealthy man to sleep with women.

As you progress in your reboot, you’ll start realizing that sex for the sake of sex isn’t necessarily success. Porn wants you to think that sex is the greatest thing you can get but there are far more important things to work for. But once you’re free from your porn addiction symptoms you can create your own definition of what success is.

Instead of building wealth to pull women, why don’t you build wealth to pursue freedom? Wealth provides you with freedom to live where you want, freedom of time, freedom from depending on others, freedom to pursue things you’re truly interested in, and more. 

Success doesn’t necessarily mean wealth, either. Plenty of men define success by the quality of the family they have, by keeping their relationship strong, and by raising confident, independent children. Others view success through the lens of their spiritual or religious pursuits and draw a great sense of joy and purpose from them.

Another great definition of success is giving back and being of service. I’m one of those people who finds deep fulfillment in helping others. Now that I’ve overcome my compulsive sexual behavior, there are plenty of times I’m interested in being of service than I am in having sex.

Sure, sex will come as a byproduct of your success and there’s nothing wrong with that. But pursuing sex as the end goal or the definition of success will leave you feeling empty and hollow. Sex for the sake of sex is a biological need but it’s far from fulfilling when it’s the only pursuit in your life. Pursue things that interest you instead and you’ll find much more contentment in life. After that, sex will simply be an added bonus.

The post Is Sex Success? appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

What is porn addiction?

Porn addiction problems, which includes an addiction to internet-based sex is becoming more common.

Watching a lot of pornography online does not mean that you have a porn addiction. But there are many people who find that they can’t stop watching porn even if they really want to. That is when a hobby becomes an addiction.

How Can Porn Addiction Affect Your Life?

Now, porn addiction can affect your career, your family life, and your ability to date or develop intimate relationships.

The internet has made it easy to access various ways of fulfilling your sexual desires and have anonymous sex. This can be very problematic for anyone who feels that they don’t have much control over their sexual impulses.

Porn addiction is using pornography to the point where you experience negative consequences. Porn addicts feel an absolute lack of control over their ability to stop watching pornography even in the face of severe negative consequences in their life.

You find yourself wasting a significant amount of time, taking away from the time you usually dedicate to your family, friends, or career.

Your ability to be sexually and emotionally intimate with a real person drastically reduces. This sometimes fears of intimacy and social anxiety because it’s much easier to watch a video than to go out and interact with a real person.

Internet Sex and Porn Addiction

Porn addiction also includes an addiction to the internet or cyber sex. This happens through chat rooms, smartphone apps, various types of social media and websites.

A lot of people enjoy internet sex because it doesn’t require intimacy and your fantasies can be easily fulfilled. Internet sex is so dangerous because it is a gateway to dangerous and risky situations such as anonymous sex. This happens when you’ve used internet porn and internet sex to the point that you become desensitized to it.

Compulsive masturbation with or without pornography often accompanies internet porn addiction. Porn addicts can spend hours and hours isolated in a world of fantasy and masturbation.

If you feel an obsession with pornography and masturbation in addition to a loss of control over your life, it’s important to seek help. Working with an addiction recovery coach is a necessary step to overcome porn addiction, masturbation addiction, and internet sex addiction.

A trained recovery coach can help you stop your most compulsive behaviors and also overcome your feelings of guilt and shame.

The post What is Porn Addiction? appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

Do you have a resistance to admitting that you have a “porn addiction”?

I admit- when I began my journey to end my out of control porn addiction problems and masturbation behavior, I simply refused to categorize myself as an “addict”. After all, I came from an educated, moderately religious family with conservative values.

I experienced a relatively happy, and memorable childhood. I never tried any hardcore drugs, and in early adulthood, I tried to live my life by the book.

Yet, I would find myself acting like a possessed heroin junkie anytime I went without porn or masturbating for three days.

Many men find it really difficult to admit they have a problem with pornography because it simply hasn’t been labeled an addiction my the mainstream media or society in general. That’s going to change over the next few years, but in the meantime, I’d like to point out why porn and masturbation addiction is so much trickier to beat than other addictions.

In fact, some of my clients who recovered from alcohol and drug addictions confirm that porn, sex, and masturbation are harder to quit than those substances.

There are two simple criteria when it comes to identifying where a persons porn use is addictive:

1) You have no control over it. This means you’ve made a firm decision to quit, but gave in several times.
2) Negative Consequences. It is affecting your emotions, career, relationships, productivity, academics or lifestyle in a negative way.

Both criteria must be met for porn, sex or masturbation to be classified as an addiction.

But the LEVEL of loss of control and the level of negative consequences must also be considered when trying to stop this behavior.

In my experience, the LEVEL of porn addiction varies depending on different factors in your life.

This is one crucial fact that many things all the “quit fapping” influencers on YouTube and even therapists don’t understand.

Excuse me while I rant for a moment.

This is not a game or a “challenge”- it is a serious problem that destroys lives. A handful of techniques, tips, and philosophies MIGHT help a 21-year-old who spends 80% of his day glued to his smartphone or computer- but it will do nothing for the 28-year-old young professional who is trying to succeed at his career, or the 33 year old who realizes that he’s thrown away his twenties, or the 40-year-old who feels that he sabotaged his career and serious life relationships perhaps losing his kids to divorce, or the 52-year-old who feels that its pretty much over for him.

Just because a high testosterone 21 year old feels guilty about masturbating twice a day doesn’t mean that a 27+-year-old man going places in life has the same problems as he does.

Some young men don’t know what it like to go through a break up( because they are so stuck on porn, that they can’t get in a relationship), deal with real-life stress such as paying mortgages, keeping employees on payroll, juggling work and kids, taking care of aging parents, paying taxes, deal with workplace politics- the list goes on.

Any 18-24-year-old reading this email is without a doubt above average and has some big aspirations in life. Take your problem with porn seriously, handle it and start living your best life instead of spending years playing 90 Day challenges.

Rant Over.

Ever wonder why sometimes, you binge watch porn for weeks and sometimes you have the ability to 100% abstain for months or even years?

I used to wonder the same thing as well.

This happens because your level of porn addiction and your COMMITMENT to quit varies depending on life circumstances such as your :
1) Emotions
2) Stress
3) Relationships
4) Financial situation
5) Family

Next time you are watching a video, reading a book, or looking for a counselor to help you with your porn addiction, screen them to find out if they understand this.

Here are the levels of behavior with pornography:

Level 1

This is the person who watches pornography three or four times a year. In fact, if you can count the number of times you’ve watched porn in a 12 month period on one hand, then this is the level you are at.
Due to the highly sexualized world we live in, there is of course always a risk of increasing involvement with pornography. If you have well established healthy ways of managing your emotions, stress, and family life, you are in a good place.

Level 2

At this level- you are not addicted either. However, you have watched porn and masturbated to it 6 to 12 times in a year. In some of those cases, you were not simply aroused. One or more sessions may have been triggered by curiosity due to something you came across online or perhaps because of a reference someone made. At this level, you may have watched porn to medicate/feel better about some undesirable situation in your life.

Level 3

At this point, pornography is quite likely to become a problem. You are viewing porn at least once a month, possibly for a few months or years. You know you are at level three when you try to stop yourself each month, but no matter how hard you try, you always end up slipping. Usually, you binge for a while, then try to quit again.
This is the point where many men begin to use their willpower and count down the days which they have spent off porn. It’s not an out of control problem yet, but it does take an effort to quit since the porn you are watching at this point is no longer soft core porn- your tastes are gradually changing.

FANTASY is what moves you from level 3 to level 4.

At Level 3, when you are not watching porn, there is a very high chance that you are fantasizing or sexualizing your encounters with other people. When you fantasize intensely for prolonged periods of time- away from your device, you release chemicals which make you feel good- a feeling that only gets better by watching porn.

Level 4

At this level, pornography is having an obvious effect on your life. You may start noticing that porn is affecting your career, your family or your school work.
Your fantasies are out of control at this point. When you are not watching porn, you often find yourself fantasizing about porn and sex.

You are watching pornography a couple of times a month and you have been trying to different ways to stop. Usually, nothing works at this point and you start getting worried about why it seems so difficult to quit.
This is the point where you may search for “how to stop watching porn” online.

In my experience, this level is also your final chance to end your porn use on your own. Beyond this, your entire life, whether you realize it or not, will begin to be dictated by your porn addiction. The reason why is that left unchecked, your behavior with pornography begins to generate deeper psychological issues.

Over the years, I’ve realized that there are only TWO responses to level 4. For the purpose of simplicity, I’ve divided these responses into two groups of men which we will call “Type A” and “Type B”.

Type A:

This is an already accomplished person who understands what it takes to achieve success on a consistent basis. They have usually established themselves in their career, and have a relatively balanced lifestyle. This means that you have friends, close bonds with family, take care of your health and know how to go about getting most of the things you want in life. If you are a student, you are also relatively successful in your academic life.
Type A men, once they understand that they have a problem, see it as an obstacle to their life. Their natural reaction is the same as it is to every other obstacle in their life- to get rid of it by any means necessary because they have places to go. They will usually visit a counselor, get a mentor or invest in something actionable to get back their edge on their own. When searching for help online, they screen everyone for results and success- that is, whomever they seek help from must be moving forward in their life as well. Action has always worked for them and thanks to this habit, they usually experience positive results in their recovery.
Some of my most successful clients are driven lawyers, engineers, students in law school, student-athletes, salespeople, doctors and business owners.

It must be noted that some Type A people do not seek help- usually because they are never informed that one could have a compulsive behavior with porn, they are misdiagnosed by a counselor or they are at a level of financial success that insulates them from the true impact of their problem.

Type B:

This person has usually not achieved their goals or is lagging behind for one reason or the other. Typically, they have good intentions but already have problems motivating themselves, have developed bad habits such as social media/smartphone addiction/internet addiction, bad diets, play video games compulsively or a minor drug/alcohol problem.

They may have a career or be in college, but they would not rate themselves at anywhere near their potential. Some have a genuine desire to be successful and have tried, but their repeated failures have left them with a lot of self-doubts.

As is sadly the case of most men seeking direction, I have noticed that Type B men were often diagnosed with depression, ADD/ADHD or some other disorder at some point in their life. This diagnosis then served as a subconscious crutch throughout their lives- frequently sabotaging their attempts to excel in life.

Type B men, once they understand that they have a problem, will respond as they have to most things in life. Typically, they will seek the opinion of someone who is similar to them. They gravitate towards influencers on social media who are entertaining or are in a similar demographic to them. They are more likely to accept “popular opinion” as fact as opposed to doing their own research. The popular way, of course, is usually the “easy way”. In the case of quitting porn use, it is :

1) “Stay off porn for 90 Days and count REALLY HARD”
2) “ Improve your lifestyle and be a man”
3) “Watch more videos about not masturbating and the more you watch, the more you will understand”

Type B men take massive action- but their action is typically limited to watching a lot of videos or reading a lot of articles, comments, and opinions. When they do try to curb their behavior with porn, they usually fail since they don’t have a definite plan.
Their self-doubt, reinforced by underachieving in other areas of their lives kicks in.When the effects of porn addiction on their life become too unbearable, the Type B man start seeks help, but unfortunately, because he doesn’t believe in investing in himself, seeks cheap and “quick fixes” which usually makes them prey to scams and hustlers looking to make a quick buck online.

If you fall into the Type B category or are a Type A person with a few character traits of Type B showing up in your life, don’t get discouraged. I was in that category as well till I was fortunate enough to find a mentor who opened my eyes to my self-sabotaging way of thinking.

Level 5

At this point, viewing pornography is a daily habit and a major part of your life. You are watching porn and masturbating just to fall asleep. You sexualize every single woman ( and sometimes even men) you see.

Level 5 is when you stop growing and developing as a person. Your career, your relationships with people- everything is set up to maximize porn use.
For instance, you spend a lot of time alone in front of your computer or phone. You never initiate a social meet up of any sort for dinner or a movie. All your hobbies are solitary and you never step out of the comfort zone of those who were already in your life when you reached Level 5.

Anytime I speak to a man at Level 5, I find that he has paid a heavy price for his porn addiction.
Some of the things he has sacrificed at this point are:

1) Career: He has lost a job, or severely underperformed at his career due to his porn use.
2) Relationships: Intimate relationships have ended. Either due to his partner leaving him because of his incessant porn use or due to him sabotaging the relationship due to his inability to fully commit. He always feels that there is a “better” woman out there..always wondering if perhaps he can “upgrade”.
3) Education: Mediocre to failing performance in academics

When you try to quit at this point, you begin to experience strong withdrawal symptoms such as erectile dysfunction, irritability, extreme daytime fatigue, headaches, problems sleeping and social anxiety- worrying more than often about peoples opinions.

By this point, you quite literally do not know how to stop. Both Type A and Type B men realize that they need help at this point. Again, their responses at Level 5 are quite different.

If you are a Type A person, you will usually disclose your struggle to a trusted friend or some sort of mentor. This is usually a good step, as it brings your porn and masturbation use out of secrecy. You then have the courage to share it with more people. Many Type A men are surprised to learn at this point that the person they shared it with faces the same problem!

If you are a Type B, you will do one of two things. “Break” psychologically and “ignore” the problem-effectively incorporating Level 5 into your life. You might find rationalizations to back up your decisions such as “Everyone does it”, “Sex/porn addiction does not exist”, on and on. At this point, you fall for the ideology of “sex positive” counselors, MGTOW, or some group with relieves your guilt and shame for viewing porn.
The second thing a Type B man does is send desperate emails, comments and a one-liner to others online asking for advice. Since you haven’t developed the habit of taking action like the Type A man- which involves a small element of risk, you take action any way you know how- by seeking help in the most risk-averse way.

Level 6

This level is characterized by feelings of being completely out of control. Every single day of your life involves thoughts of pornography and in an age of free porn, you are spending money on porn in the form of paid sites and cam sites.

Depression and hopelessness are two common feelings at this level. This doesn’t mean that you have no desire to quit. On the contrary, you do want to quit, but your self-doubt and lack of hope are overwhelming. Many men at Level 6 continue using pornography, even after being caught with it.

The type of pornography you are viewing has drastically escalated to violent material including bestiality, gore, snuff ( death), incest, rape, extreme violence and other depraved material. These are the only genres of pornography that can elicit an orgasm and sometimes even an erection. Staying in Level 6 leads to acting out.

This means seeking real-life sexual encounters to satisfy your addiction. This can range from seeking female, male or transgender escorts via different websites and apps, searching for random hookups, or in some cases, predatory behavior towards vulnerable people.

At Level 6, every aspect of your life is filled with lies as you need to do so in order to cover up your secret life. A man at Level 6 can maintain this behavior for years-even decades. When discovered, there is always a very high price to pay. Relationships fall apart in traumatic ways, careers are destroyed, sometimes, men end up in jail.

The good news about Level 6 is that the stakes are so high when you get caught, that it can trigger a very strong emotional desire to quit.

The bad news is that in Levels 5 and 6, you are delusional in your beliefs- that is, while you may acknowledge that your behavior is out of control, you don’t see its true impact on your life. You have also incorporated compulsive lying and manipulation into your day to day life since your behavior must be maintained in secrecy.

Breaking The Armor

Over the years, I’ve developed an exercise which I call “breaking the armor”. The purpose of this exercise is to help a man at Level 5 or 6 drop his conditioning for a brief moment and actually see what his life could look like without porn.

In my opinion- this is VERY important. After years of porn use and masturbation- lets say you started between the ages of 8-14 and carried on for 12-15 years, you truly have no concept of what a life without pornography looks like.

Porn is your first relationship.

Its comforted you as a teen when you were anxious.
It kept you company when you were lonely.
When you were stressed and overwhelmed, porn was always there to take off the edge.
On restless nights it helped you fall asleep
It taught you about sex and perhaps even gave you some sexual confidence
It was always there for you when your heart was broken

Unfortunately, porn overstayed its welcome…

But how do you let go of the one thing you could depend on for years?

What would life look like?

That where Breaking The Armor comes in.

Through a series of coaching questions, we gradually remove all your emotional armor or conditioning. This is a temporary process- but for a brief moment, you are free of your shame, your guilt, your lies and your rationalization. You are YOU. This is a powerful moment for many men.

When some of my clients at Level 5 and 6 see the incredible damage porn has had on their families, finances, careers, relationships, self-esteem, social life and on their emotions, some break down and cry. It’s like being possessed against your will and knowledge by a different personality which pretended to be you for years…and one day realizing who you really are for the first time.

The loss, self-betrayal, and lies you told yourself become evident. You see the man you could have been if porn didn’t get out of control in your life.

At that moment, most men decide that they are done for good. This is when the recovery process truly begins- when you have actually FELT what it’s like your greatest self.

Understanding these levels are so important to your recovery. This is why I have never paid much attention to the all the “fapping/not fapping” movements. It is a willpower solution that only helps men at Level 3.

To effectively recover, you or the person guiding you in your recovery must first determine what level you are at.

Once I determine what level a man is at, I know the exact steps needed to help him recover.

He will be able to identify his boundaries, develop the right amount of self-awareness, control fantasies, dialogue with himself, anticipate urges, deal with strong emotions of sadness, loss or hopelessness, accurately examine his rationalizations and much more- depending on the Level he is at.

Withdrawal symptoms are also experienced differently at each Level. The effects of withdrawals are physical and emotional. In in the past 7 years, I have not met a single client out of 400+ who could identify more than two withdrawal symptoms. They are able to identify them weeks later.

Now, at this point- a Type B man will be thinking: “J.K…man, I really want to quit, but you make it sound so complicated and even impossible.”
If that is you, understand that your habit of taking the easy way is kicking in right at this moment. Fight it.

The Type A man will be thinking of how he can best put this information to good use.

I could keep going, but I’ll end up writing a book. The point is- take the first step of identifying your level of addiction to pornography.

Review this email again and ask yourself whether you have moved from one level to the next( up or down) over the years.

Honestly identify whether you are a “Type A” or a “Type B” kind of man. There is nothing wrong with either-such is life, although the Type B man is clearly at a disadvantage. As I mentioned earlier- I was a typical Type B guy with a few Type A traits till I broke my armor and dedicated several very painful years to change my life.

If you want to hear a little bit about how I changed myself to more of a “Type A” man, watch this Video:

Finally…

I would REALLY like to know your thoughts on what level you are at and what “Type” of man you are.

Leave your response in the comment section.

The post Why Is It So Hard To Quit Porn? appeared first on Elevated Recovery.

One of the bad habits we build when addicted to pornography is going to sleep late and waking up late.

It may not have anything to do with porn necessarily. Maybe you just have a habit of watching movies, TV series or playing videogames late at night.

Perhaps you justify it by saying things like: “ I have trouble sleeping.”

One of the things I learned early in my recovery was the concept of managing my schedule. If you learn this, your recovery will become MUCH easier.

You’re on a Ship.

Think of yourself as being on ship in the ocean. The ocean of life, that is.

The different things which are out of your control daily are the storms in the ocean.

For a recovering porn addict, your Morning Routine is your anchor. It keeps you grounded during a storm.

Your schedule is your lifeline. If get thrown off the ship during a storm( a particularly stressful day) , its the rope that is thrown to you to save your life and pull you back to the safety of the ship.

Your morning routine is what you do every morning to prepare for your day. It should involve:

• A recovery Exercise
• Reading a chapter from an Addiction recovery book
• Goals setting for the day
• Reviewing your boundaries
• Reviewing your Statement of Purpose (Why you want to quit porn)
• Meditation or a Feelings Exercise if meditation is not your thing

It COULD also involve:

• • Visualization
  • Gratitude
  • Exercise- Lifting weights, Calisthenics or Yoga
  • Affirmations or Self Talk

Personally, my Morning Routine involves all of the above because it anchors me for the day. No matter how crazy my day gets, my ship (me) will never sink ( relapse/slip) because I am prepared. You can be too.

With a morning routine, you will know exactly where you are going, why you are doing certain things, where you want to be a few years from now. No one and nothing will throw you off track. Nothing will dissuade you from your goals. You will become what I call “Emotionally Fit”- capable of handling very strong emotions which regular people would collapse under.

Unfortunately, you cant have a morning routine with a bad schedule.

If you go to bed “anywhere between 11pm and 2am”, you will NEVER have a solid morning routine. Your ship will always sink or get damaged in a storm and you will often find yourself drowning.

Again: Your Schedule is Your Lifeline.

Decide on a specific time to go to bed and wake up. At that time, make sure you are in bed- regardless of whether you have problems sleeping or not.

In the early days of my recovery, by 10:30 pm, I was preparing for bed. No TV screens, no devices close by. I was in bed at 11pm. No calls, no emergencies, no homework.

Nothing. It was bedtime, recovery was my priority. If it was a zombie apocalypse, I’d find out in the morning.

I was up by 6 am and done with my morning routine ( including working out, by 8:00 am).

Except for a few days , usually when I was travelling, this schedule did not change. I had a shorter version of the morning routine for days when I travelled and arrived at my destination late or the handful of occasions when I went out with friends to a bar or club. This version lasted about 40 minutes.

Excuses. Porn Addiction Counseling

During recovery, you either make excuses or you take action.

“ My shift at work changed, so I cant wake up early.”

“ My girlfriend works late at night and we don’t get to spend time together, so I stay up late”

“I’m studying for an exam.”

“I have a paper due tomorrow”

“I was hungover”

“I was at a friends party”

These are all excuses. We can’t be perfect, but if you find yourself using these excuses multiple times a year, then you are slacking on your recovery.

In conclusion, many men screw up their recovery simply because they have no discipline with their schedule. They do not respect time. Once you fix you lifeline and your anchor, you immediately cut down on the emotional incidents, the urges which you experience throughout the day.

The post Your Schedule Is Your Life Line appeared first on Elevated Recovery.