December 16, 2020

Over the years I’ve put out different lists covering things that cause men who have been off pornography to slip. These are more geared towards men with a year or two away from porn, though. They’re more suited for clients who have been through the Porn Reboot system or worked with me privately.

If you’re a man who has gained a couple of months without any intensive help, though, you’re probably wary of slipping. You might be wondering, “What is it that I could do that might cause me to slip? I really want to avoid that.”

I don’t want to give you a long list because I don’t want to complicate things. I’m going to keep it simple and break it down into four things you shouldn’t do when quitting porn. If you can stick to these four things then it doesn’t matter whether you’re in my system or not; you’re going to have a very good chance of maintaining your reboot and letting your brain rewire.

1. Don’t stop planning

One of the biggest mistakes I see men make is they suddenly stop planning. Chances are that you didn’t just randomly make it to four, five, or six months of pornography, masturbation, or whichever behavior you deal with. You had a plan. There was a vision in your mind that got you here and now is not the time to lose sight of where you’re heading.

You might stop planning once you reach the longest time you’ve had free from your behaviors. This is the furthest you’ve ever made it and you’re just excited to be there. You might be tempted to relax a little bit and let off the gas but this is right where people slip. You start to become reactive when you rest on your accomplishments.

It took some discipline to get to where you are, and there are certain things you did to reach this point. You started with this goal for a reason. We’re not perfect, and we’re going to get distracted sometimes but you have to keep your plan in mind.

Men who aren’t ruled by their sexual behaviors maintain their plans. They plan for months and years ahead of time. There are men with plans for six months from now or even the next year, two years, three years, or five years. In some cases, some people even plan a decade in advance. If you aren’t used to making plans, it might seem difficult at first but you will learn over time. 

2. Don’t forget the price you paid to get to where you are

I don’t care whether you’ve been off pornography for nine weeks or nine months. There will likely be times where you find yourself stuck reminiscing about the “good old days.” The days where you were chatting with random women on the internet and masturbating together. Days when you would drink or get high, enjoy pornography, and still feel good about it.

Catch yourself when your thoughts start straying like this. You paid a heavy price back then and you’re paying a heavy price to get to where you are right now. Any time you reminisce about past behavior that you no longer want in your life, you’re investing in it emotionally. 

There’s only so much energy you have to invest in the things you want. It’s better to invest that energy into your actions for today and your plans for the future. You want to focus on making positive choices that set you up for success. 

3. Don’t get attached to the past

Don’t get confused – this is different from the point I just made. You don’t want to forget the price you paid but you also want to detach from the past. Rebooting and rewiring your brain requires change. It doesn’t matter how far ahead you are or how much progress you’ve made. Chances are you’re going to need to continue making changes in different areas.

You might need to hang out with new friends or in different places. You may need to change your environment. It might be time to try some new hobbies or activities. The pull to return to the familiar can be very, very strong but you need to continue looking forward, not at the past.

Perhaps you set up a new routine where you go to bed at 10:00 PM every night. Suddenly your friends who haven’t seen you for a while reach out and ask you to come to hang out. You might convince yourself that you’re isolating and you need to spend some time with your friends. 

So you go hang out with them, have a few drinks, and return home at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. You’re a bit tipsy, maybe even drunk, and your inhibitions are down. You succumb to the temptation that arises and end up relapsing. You’ll probably try to rationalize it but the truth is you were attached to the past instead of focused on your future.

4. Don’t chase the highs all the time

A lot of men that I’ve worked with who have an out-of-control behavior really enjoy the thrill of it. It’s the thrill of acting out, of stepping out on your partner, of watching some sort of taboo type of pornography. Then, you find yourself chasing that high in other aspects of your life.

Now that you’ve gotten to a point where you’ve been off of your behavior for a while, living a life where you had a lot of highs, it makes it easy to feel more down during the lows. When something negative happens or you’re feeling a little sad, you’ll probably start to feel a bit more sorry for yourself. 

You might feel tempted to chase a thrill or an adventure for the brief high to distract you from the low. You don’t need to chase these highs anymore, though, because they usually end in a crash that involves a relapse or a depressive episode. It serves to distract or derail you from your reboot in the end when you were only searching for a quick distraction. 
Chasing the highs is no longer worth it in your new approach to life. It’s better to sit with the mild feelings of discomfort and avoid relapse than it is to risk what you’ve worked for. There is no high in the world that is worth.