December 30, 2020

I want to talk about a question that came in from a brother recently because it’s a great question. It’s one that I think many of us can relate to in the Porn Reboot program. It’s also a crucial part of overcoming your pornography addiction and eliminating the accidental slips in your life. He wrote:

Hey brothers,

I have managed to stay away from masturbation for a long time, thanks to the program. I’ve also stayed away from pornography for the most part, except for some slips which were not picked up by my pornography filters. 

However, I’ve had a hard time getting rid of what you would call substitutes. Like whenever I see an attractive actress in a movie, a beautiful musician, or a stunning girl in real life, I want to check her out online.

Also, I have a hard time sometimes stopping myself from checking out bikini or lingerie pictures. I’ve added most online shopping sites that are an issue for me to my filter. But it always seems as if pictures are slipping through still.

I’ve also blocked Instagram and Twitter, which used to be triggers. I still have Facebook because of necessity, both for work and for the program, so it works okay for me most of the time. 

Any ideas on how I could deal with this issue?

Let me break down my answer for you.

There Are No Substitutes

The first thing to do when you find yourself in this situation is you’ve got to examine your beliefs. In this case, that starts with the idea of the word “substitutes”. Do you see these things as substitutes?

When you’re serious about your reboots, there are no substitutes. 

Everything mentioned comes under the umbrella of pornography for this brother. This is probably the case for you, too. If you’re looking up pictures of actresses online, or even women you’ve seen in real life, it’s a slip. If you masturbate to models wearing lingerie or bikinis, that counts as a slip. 

If you become aroused by viewing these images, you should treat it the same way you treat any other pornographic content. It doesn’t matter whether other people see them as “lesser of two evils”. Once you slip it’s going to feel the same way. Whether you slip on a porn site or a shopping site, all slips lead to identical feelings of shame.

Dissect Your Behavior

Once you accept that substitutes are no longer acceptable, now you need to look at your behavior. The best way to do this is by writing it down in your journal as an exercise. You want to really dissect what it is that you’re doing when acting out this way.

Ask yourself, “Why am I looking up an actress, musician, or woman in real life online?”

Why do you do this? What is the purpose of that behavior? It doesn’t matter whether you saw her on the big screen, the small screen, or in real life. Why do you automatically feel the need to search for them on Instagram?

Have you ever even paused to ask yourself this?

If you’re like most of us, probably not. You’re likely stuck in a thinking loop that you’ve never bothered to question. Once you dissect the behavior, though, you realize it doesn’t serve any logical purpose at all. There’s no good reason to look her up online that isn’t connected to your addiction or out-of-control behavior.

Porn Substitutes Stem From Objectification

Here’s the root of the problem: when you look this woman up online, you’re objectifying her. Your urge to look her up online implies that what you’ve seen of her already is not enough. It isn’t enough for you until you can find more images of her and judge her from a sexual standpoint. Until you can objectify this woman, it’s not enough for you.

Now you need to ask yourself, “What does this say about me?”

When you have a habit of objectifying women it will ruin your relationships with them for as long as the behavior continues. You cannot truly love a woman because you value her only for her looks, not for her as a person. 

You likely don’t realize these things you view as porn substitutes only make the problem worse. You’re looking at these women as objects, not as another human being with attributes for you to appreciate. She has value outside of her looks but you’re incapable of seeing them when you’re valuing her only on her appearance. 

The problem persists even after you’ve cut pornography and other out-of-control behaviors from your life. You’re not going to progress in your reboot until you address this core internal issue. You must work through your objectification of women if you want to overcome the desire to look at these substitutes.

Strengthening Boundaries Takes Practice

Your Porn Reboot won’t be successful all at once. It takes practice to build these internal boundaries. Pornography is a clear issue for every man who comes to the program, but many neglect to consider why these substitutes are a problem, too.

Part of a serious reboot is examining each of these boundaries as they come up. Unpack your behavior. Why are you doing the things you do? What do you hope to achieve by taking a certain action? The more you dissect your behavior, the more you understand yourself. The more you understand yourself, the stronger your boundaries become.

Each time you find that your inner addict is searching for something and find it, it’s time to sit down and examine it. Rebooting takes time but you’ll make progress as long as you’re committed to the process. It doesn’t happen overnight but you’ll continue progressing as long as you stick with the system.