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August 11, 2023

7 Skills To Master When Dating During Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Recovery / By
7 Skills To Master When Dating During Your Reboot

Learning to how to quit porn addiction, sex, and masturbation isn’t easy. It’s a big challenge after struggling with your behavior for years. But there’s something that might be an even greater challenge: dating during your reboot.

Years of porn addiction problem destroy your humanity and affect how you view women. It keeps you from building true, authentic, intimate relationships with the women you date. Learning to have healthy relationships after overcoming compulsive behaviors with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation can be difficult.

However, I’ve got some skills that you can master while dating during your reboot. These will get you on the right track as you start getting back out into the dating world. Take time to implement each of these skills into your life and I guarantee it will make a noticeable difference.

1. Starting and maintaining interesting conversations

Lots of men don’t know how to hold interesting conversations. We are logical creatures and can keep things very surface level. We don’t need to dive too deep into our conversations with other men because we don’t find it necessary. Shooting the breeze is good enough for us.

However, conversing with women is different. You can’t take the bad habits you have from conversing with other men (speaking too fast, keeping things too surface level, talking about yourself too much, etc.) and expect a woman to be interested. Talking to her in this way is a massive turn-off and she won’t want to stick around.

You must learn to have interesting conversations by asking the right questions, listening, and  framing things in a funny way. You don’t have to be hilarious or exceptionally intelligent to have an interesting conversation. All you need to do is show some general interest in things outside yourself. Ask her questions about things that interest her and dig into her answers.

2. Demonstrate high social value

No woman wants to go out with a guy who is quiet and meek all the time. She’s interested in a man who holds his own, keeps his head up high, and interacts well with others. How do you interact with others when you’re out on a date? How do you converse with the server while you’re out to dinner? What do you do when someone approaches you on the street asking for money?

You shouldn’t talk about your high social value, you should show it. For example, confident men don’t need to parade around looking for assurance; they simply command it by the way they interact with people around them. Developing the ability to demonstrate high social value is crucial.

3. Ability to handle rejection

Dating is a numbers game, brother. You’re not going to land every single woman you talk to. You must get comfortable with being rejected. It shouldn’t be a big deal if a woman flakes on you or ghosts you. There’s no reason to get angry; it’s part of the game.

You must learn to handle rejection without having a big emotional response to it. The more you react when you experience rejection, the less interesting a woman will find you. The less you let it faze you, the better you will fare in the dating world.

4. Killer instinct

Killer instinct is a term I coined myself. It means learning to recognize when a woman is ready for you to make a move. When is it time to get her number? When is she ready for a kiss? When is it time to take her to your place? When is the time to initiate sex?

When you develop a killer instinct you’re no longer second-guessing yourself, you just know it’s time to make a move. You aren’t making them too early or waiting too long. Instead, when you have a killer instinct, you’re more forward and confident which makes you more attractive to women.

5. Developing stances and opinions

It’s in a woman’s nature to test a man’s opinions. She may test you by throwing out a statement to see if you’ll agree with her. She wants to see if you blindly agree with everything she says or if you have your own thoughts and opinions on matters.

Men who are afraid of having strong opinions or saying something contradictory are a turn-off to women. You’re not challenging her if you simply agree with everything she says. How is that interesting at all? Instead, develop your own stances and opinions and stick to them when a woman challenges your thoughts.

6. A sense of empathy

Just like dating isn’t the only thing going on in your life, dating shouldn’t be the only thing going on in her life either. You don’t want a woman who has no friends or hobbies because she won’t allow you the space and time to enjoy yours. 

This means she won’t have a schedule that’s completely open and ready to spend time with you. This also means she may have things that come up. An empathetic man will understand that she has things outside of dating that are also important. He doesn’t take it personally if she isn’t able to meet up at the drop of a hat.

However, don’t confuse empathy with being a doormat, either. If she bails on you regularly or consistently doesn’t have the time you’re looking for, it’s time to move on.

7. The ability to end an interaction

You must know when and how to end a text message thread, a phone call, a date, or a relationship the moment she crosses the line of what you find appropriate. You should already have a solid set of values, standards, and boundaries in place before starting to date. Once she oversteps too many of these things, it’s time to end your interaction.

You should respect yourself enough to end the interaction when it no longer serves you. You shouldn’t hang around simply because you want some attention or want to get laid. Recognize that there are more women out there and get back in the game. Don’t sit around waiting on this one girl who has shown you that she isn’t worth your time.

These Are Only the Start

These skills are just some of the skills that will help you develop a confident air while dating. They are some of the primary things your behavior with porn and masturbation took away from you. And bringing them back into your life will make a massive difference when you begin dating again.

If you have any other ideas about necessary skills while dating during your reboot, come share them with the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’ll find plenty of brothers getting back into the dating game who you can learn from, and who you can share your tips with as well. Come join the conversation today!

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How to Stop Edging and Overcome Porn Addiction

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By
How to Stop Edging and Overcome Porn Addiction

I recently made a video talking about why edging is worse for your brain than masturbating. It led to a lot of dialogue in the Porn Reboot groups as brothers shared their experiences on how to stop porn addiction. Some understood my point while others seemed to miss it. One brother asked: 

“If I find myself edging, would it be beneficial to add a time limit so I can prevent the brain damage it causes? At what point can I reverse course or am I already past the point of no return? Is it a good thing if my slip is of a lesser duration? Thanks for your thoughts.”

Unfortunately, this brother didn’t seem to understand what I was getting at with that video. I don’t believe that slips and edging are “bad things”. I’ve talked about this many times before. Viewing them as “bad” only attaches emotion to an event. They are neither good nor bad. Instead, I believe you should simply view these experiences as data.

When you don’t treat slips or edging as data you begin treating them as an obstacle instead. But what happens when you come up against an obstacle? You must stop it. And how do you stop internal obstacles? You deploy willpower.

However, willpower does not work when it comes to the reboot process. Trying to exert willpower against your out-of-control behavior only works against your biology. But if you continue labeling things as “bad”, you’ll continue struggling with a willpower-based approach to rebooting. 

Here’s the thing, brother. If you find yourself edging as a way to avoid actually masturbating, there’s something else going on. There’s no point in just edging without finishing. If you’re already edging then you should just complete the job. There is no “reversing course”. The slip happens once you start the process.

Porn addiction, sex, and masturbation addiction is a behavioral addiction. You’re more addicted to the process of the experience than the orgasm itself. When you’re edging you’re still participating in part of the process. Looking for any other way around it is just looking for a way to justify your slip.

Instead of making excuses for your behavior, look at what caused it instead. Why did you get to a place where you felt the need to edge? Which area of your reboot capital is lacking? Are you bored? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you carrying out your morning reboot routine? Where are you going astray?

Once you understand where things are wrong, take action to fix them. Employ some of your tools and skills to strengthen the area that you’re struggling with. You’ll never stop edging if you don’t have the discipline and take the time to develop an awareness of your patterns and get to the bottom of the behavior. 

Hold yourself accountable to your accountability partner or the group and get back on track. You don’t need to attach emotional words to objective experiences. The longer you continue that, the longer it will take to overcome your behavior. 

If you’re still having trouble eliminating your behavior and don’t have an accountability partner yet, join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. Hundreds of men in the group understand the struggle and have experiences to learn from. You don’t need to deal with your compulsive behavior alone – there’s an entire brotherhood here to help.

 

 

 

 

 

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Porn Addiction Problem: Struggle With Intimacy

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Porn Addiction Problem: Struggle With Intimacy

I’ve noticed that men feel a sense of urgency to learn to be intimate with their partners as they progress through their reboot.

The years of porn addiction problems eroded their partner’s trust and made it increasingly difficult for them to open up. Developing intimacy is an important part of rebuilding that trust but how can you do that?

Just like your behavior destroyed your partner’s trust, it also affected your ability to be intimate. Before you can learn to rebuild intimacy with your partner you must learn why you struggle with intimacy in the first place. What is it that makes intimacy so difficult for men who are working through an out-of-control behavior?

1. You had no positive examples of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Even though I know my mom and dad loved each other, they never really demonstrated what a healthy relationship entailed. I watched them fight often. I saw him hit her sometimes. She hit him back, threw glasses, screamed. Neither of them provided an example of what a relationship should look like.

I know the same applies to lots of men in porn addiction counseling and our porn addiction recovery reboot program. Their parents didn’t serve as a good model of a healthy relationship. This might be the case for you, too. If you didn’t have a positive example of what a partnership should look like, you won’t inherently know how to build intimacy.

2. You experienced betrayal or inconsistent behavior from people you looked up to while younger.

When role models are absent or inconsistent during your developmental years it makes it difficult to learn how to build intimacy. You adopt negative views of people who are supposed to be taking care of you. Instead, you learn that depending on people leads to hurt and disappointment. You believe that people will never follow through on what they say they’ll do.

These betrayals and inconsistencies don’t create a strong foundation for building intimacy. Trust is a necessity for intimacy. If you can’t trust the people who are supposed to care for you, how can you possibly trust someone else? And if you can’t trust them, how can you build intimacy with them?

3. You believe that lying is the best way to avoid negative consequences.

There were times during my childhood when my parents punished me unjustly. Sometimes they hit me harder than they should have. Other times they were unnecessarily cruel. I didn’t understand why back then but looking back now it was likely because they were stressed out and exhausted. The last thing they wanted to do was deal with a kid who had made a mistake.

I soon learned to lie as a way to avoid those unfair punishments. It kept me somewhat safer while I was younger but it didn’t stay in my childhood. Unfortunately, that practice stuck with me through adolescence and into adulthood. It was easier to be dishonest and avoid discomfort than it was to tell the truth and deal with whatever the outcome was.

While lying may help you avoid those consequences, it’s not a useful practice to keep up as an adult. Eventually, you need to learn to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. This is especially important if you have any hope of building intimacy with your partner.

4. You experienced abandonment.

Abandonment is a painful feeling to experience as a child. Maybe your parents got divorced and one of them left without looking back. When you were let down by those who were supposed to care for you, it often leads to the narrative that everyone you care about will eventually leave.

If you still carry this belief as an adult it will make it impossible to build intimacy. You’ll always be half-in/half-out because you believe your partner will eventually leave you. You must learn to work through these old feelings of abandonment so you can build an intimate relationship.

5. You survived some form of abuse.

Abuse occurs in all forms, from mental and physical to spiritual and sexual abuse. Being a victim of abuse is never your fault no matter what you were told or how it may feel. Abuse destroys your ability to develop intimacy. It causes deep, lasting damage to the psyche and takes time to overcome. 

Experiencing abuse at the hands of someone who says they love you teaches you to associate abuse with intimacy. This is particularly true if it happened while you were a young child. Learning to identify and remove yourself from people who exhibit abusive behaviors is challenging but necessary if you want to overcome your struggles with intimacy.

How to Build Intimacy

Once you understand why you struggle with intimacy, learning to build intimate connections is the next step. I’ll dive into this topic on another day because it deserves its own post. Building intimate connections with your partner is crucial, but understanding intimacy is also important for building fulfilling relationships in general. Unless you can learn to overcome the stumbling blocks above, as well as any others you may experience, you’ll continue having a difficult time building intimate relationships with others.

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What Is Awareness While Quitting Porn?

Porn Addiction Recovery / By
What Is Awareness While Quitting Porn?

Everything you do in the Porn Reboot system exists to bring you closer to awareness. Whether it’s morning reboot time, building an exercise routine, practicing meditation, or checking in with an accountability partner, all of it is aimed at helping you develop awareness.

Awareness is one of my favorite topics to discuss. It’s a crucial tool for every person but it’s especially necessary for men recovering from out-of-control behavior with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation. Men who struggle with these behaviors are not incapable of controlling them; they’re simply unaware of how much control they truly have.

You’re unaware of the things that motivate you, the pain you experience, the source of your stress, and the impact of your limiting beliefs. You have every faculty necessary to recognize them but you’re not aware of how to access them. Teaching you to develop that awareness is the main part of what the Porn Reboot system does.

What is Awareness?

Awareness is the knowledge or understanding that something is happening. Self-awareness includes the ability to think about your thoughts, emotions, or feelings; to determine whether your behaviors align with your standards; to recognize why you take some actions and avoid others.

There are two main types of awareness. Public self-awareness involves understanding and focusing on how you appear to others. Private self-awareness refers to reflecting on your internal states. Both of these forms of awareness are crucial for being successful in eliminating your Porn Addiction Problems.

Why is Awareness Important?

Developing self-awareness is important because it gives you insight into your beliefs and values so you can determine whether your choices and habits are aligned with them. This knowledge empowers you to see where changes need to be made and to make informed choices. It gives you a direction to go so you can make progress and be successful.

The Benefits of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness involves so many positive benefits that it’s hard to think of reasons why you shouldn’t pursue it. Developing self-awareness not only keeps you in the present moment but it bolsters your emotional intelligence. It deepens your sense of empathy. It improves your listening skills and removes you from your head.

Self-awareness not only improves your internal awareness, though; it brings you outside of yourself, too. Cultivating self-awareness brings to your attention just how much time you spend in your head. It helps you see how removed you’ve been from the world you live in. 

One of the greatest benefits of self-awareness is the sense of confidence you develop. You derive self-confidence from gaining a more thorough understanding of yourself. You move through the world with your head held high because you have more clarity and positive intent. Your communication skills improve, too, which only increases your self-confidence.

How Do You Develop Self-Awareness?

Journaling is one of the most effective and quickest ways to become more self-aware. Write down your thoughts, emotions, and plans. Work through your mental stumbling blocks on paper. Once you start writing things down, you can track your progress over time to see what works and what doesn’t.

Meditation is another practice that helps you develop self-awareness. It doesn’t have to be as difficult as you may think, either. Too many people have false ideas of what meditation means. Sure, sitting on a cushion and remaining silent for hours of reflection is meditation. But you can also meditate while lying in bed, while sitting on your couch, or even while on your daily commute.

Meditation means developing mindfulness of your surroundings. It means bringing yourself into the moment so you can fully experience what is happening around you and identify how you respond to these things.

Here is an easy introduction practice to meditation. Start by closing your eyes right now and think of three things happening around you or within you. For example, focus on how your feet feel on the ground or your back on the chair. Pay attention to the sensations in your hands or on your face. Identify thoughts that cross your mind. Listen to the sounds in your environment. 

Pull three of these things to the front of your mind and focus on them. Recognize the responses you have to them. Don’t attach yourself to them, simply observe. Once you can hold three things at a time, add three more. Begin opening your awareness a bit at a time. Then bring more things into your consciousness as you progress.

Another important way to develop self-awareness is to reach out for help and support. Surround yourself with brothers in the Porn Reboot program who understand what you’re going through. Ask for guidance when you find yourself stuck. Seek out the experiences of other men who have been where you are now.

One of the best places to find this is in the Free Porn Reboot Facebook group. It’s filled with men at various stages of their reboot who know what you’re going through and are working through the same struggles. You never have to deal with your out-of-control behavior alone again; we’re here to help.

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Save Your Insights and Save Your Life

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Save Your Insights and Save Your Life

I find that a lot of traditional approaches to porn addiction recovery hand deliver foundational concepts for you.

Take the 12-step recovery community, for example. They have these phrases like “one day at a time” and “once an addict, always an addict.” This religion of recovery is a detrimental approach to controlling your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.

I see too many people latch onto these concepts like they’re the one and only approach to a fulfilling life. It makes sense because you don’t show up to recovery groups until you’ve reached at least some level of desperation. You wouldn’t ask for help if you weren’t seriously struggling. So I understand why people latch onto these concepts like they’re the sole way to a better life.

But I don’t agree with that. I don’t think adopting someone else’s foundational concepts leads to a lasting and fulfilling life. Adopting someone else’s ideas as your own and parroting them as if you wholeheartedly believe in them only sets you up for failure. You’re likely to end up in a deeper, darker place than before and I don’t want to see that happen.

I think that the “gospel of recovery” as I like to call it preys on the innocent. It scoops you up during your worst moments and promises to save you from yourself if you only think the way that you’re told to. In my opinion, anything that strips you of personal responsibility and individuality isn’t the way to go.

I believe that the person who knows you best is yourself. You sit with yourself every day, you listen to yourself think, you watch yourself move through the world. While you may have some skewed thinking when you first arrive at the Porn Reboot program, you’re still the best expert there is on you.

The Porn Addiction Counseling or Porn Reboot system is outlined to help you uncover the things that get in your way and built reboot capital so you no longer have to rely on porn, sex, and masturbation. It’s not a dogmatic set of beliefs you must adopt, it’s simply a path of simple actions that empower you to reconnect with yourself.

You’ll find nothing in the Porn Reboot program that forces you to believe any one particular thing. Instead, I encourage you to dig deep within yourself and discover the insights that are inherently there. You spend years blocking them out with your out-of-control behavior, but once you have some time away from it you’ll find those insights are still there.

Taking on someone else’s insights instead of getting in touch with your own is dishonest to your existence. It’s denying what you know to be inherently true. Every person has a fundamental understanding and idea of the world that works for them. Trying to force yourself into someone else’s mold is a recipe for disingenuous living and discontentment.

You don’t need someone to force feed you a set of insights that may or may not align with your beliefs. Instead, your morning reflection, your reading, your journaling, and your checking in with your accountability partner will outline a clear idea of what is right and wrong for you. 

Saving your insights will save your life. You don’t need me to tell you what is important. I trust that with enough time free from porn you’ll develop the mental clarity necessary to determine that for yourself. The Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot system has much more faith in you than traditional recovery programs do.

No one knows you better than you know yourself, brother. Once you truly understand that fact, you’ll find a freedom and sense of relief that you never dreamed was possible.

 

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Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot

A brother in our Porn Reboot Intensive group brought a fantastic question forward the other day and I want to share it here.

“J.K., which boundaries can I release in the late and maintenance phases of my reboot? On one podcast you mentioned that we can let go of certain boundaries during these phases, but you didn’t give any examples. You said not all boundaries should stay active forever. 

“This answer is clear for some situations, like the program that shuts my computer down at 9:00 PM. I needed it during the early stages of my reboot but now that I prefer sleeping to staying on my computer late, I don’t need it anymore. 

“You often mention your period of gathering dating experience for two years, and then you went to parties. What were your boundaries for sleep since you were still rebooting at that time? I’m assuming you didn’t go home at 10:00 PM to get to sleep. 

“I’m not sure if I should keep a bedtime boundary forever, or if thinking this way is a quick path to trial rebooting.”

I think some men who aren’t in our coaching groups and only engage with our free content develop a bit of a skewed view of the porn addiction problem solving system. They seem to think it’s a very straight line from being trapped in your out-of-control behavior to being fully rebooted. 

While the system does offer a clear-cut path to recovery, the process of following that path doesn’t always tend to be a straight shot. The system remains the same but every man going through the Porn Reboot process has a different experience. Each man has a different lifestyle and a different set of circumstances that led to his compulsive behaviors.

This skewed understanding makes some sense, though. You’ll notice that most of the free content I offer, from this blog to our YouTube channel to our podcast and so on, discusses the system in a general way. I’m trying to reach a wide audience filled with a variety of men from different backgrounds. I don’t want to get too specific because I’m more focused on helping as many people as possible during the early stages.

It’s why I didn’t outline specific boundaries to release during the late and maintenance phases of the reboot. There is no cookie-cutter methodology for letting go of boundaries. What one man might need to keep as a boundary for years may not apply to another man. 

Determining which boundaries to let go of is a personal and individual process. If you don’t have access to someone who is fully rebooted it may take a lot of trial and error. But as you progress through your reboot you’ll start to recognize which boundaries are useful and which you can consider letting go of. It’s something you figure out on your own while hopefully surrounded by support and accountability.

Our brother also asked about my experience with releasing my bedtime boundary. You have to remember, though, that there was no Porn Addiction Counseling system when I rebooted. I was my case study. I went through so much trial and error to determine what worked and what didn’t. So even my process of rebooting wasn’t the straight shot that some men believe it to be.

However, I did maintain very strong boundaries regarding bedtime during my dating phase. I was always in bed by 11:00 PM or sometimes a rare midnight. Whenever I went on a date with a woman, I always made sure to be home in time to go through my evening routine before getting in bed.

I also maintained a two-date rule. The first date was a quick coffee date, no more than an hour, to determine whether there was a possibility of intimacy. If we didn’t get along or I didn’t see myself sleeping with this woman, I would finish up the date and move on with my life. If I was interested in pursuing something with her, I would invite her over to my house for a second date.

My boundaries were especially important during this second date because I still maintained my 11:00 PM bedtime. This meant I needed to meet with my date earlier in the evening so I had enough time to make my curfew. 

I hate to break it to you, brother, but you do not have the luxury of living out a romantic Hollywood fantasy. There’s no hanging out with a chick for three or four hours and losing track of time. Maintaining your boundaries is crucial. If you’re rebooting, you must have a deadline for a chick to leave your place. 

But again, determining boundaries is a personal experience. You will know what your boundaries should be if you’re willing to be honest with yourself. Checking in with an accountability partner will also help you determine whether you’re on the right track with releasing some old boundaries during the late and maintenance phases.

If you don’t already have an accountability partner or a group of men to check in with, now is a great time to find some. The Free Porn Reboot Facebook group is a great place to find brothers working on their reboot in all stages of the process. Come join us today and let us know where you’re at. Whether you’re still checking out the Porn Reboot system or you’re in the late stage and ready to release some boundaries, there are plenty of men who can help!

 

 

 

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The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence

Confidence is something most of the brothers in the Porn Addiction Counseling Program our own reboot system struggle with.

It’s easy to feel defeated, ashamed, and remorseful when you struggle with out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. You’ve spent years hiding away from the world and trying to keep people from finding out what you do behind closed doors. Of course your confidence levels will be next to nothing.

Today I want to cover a simple process you can use to start building confidence. There are many different ways to achieve a level of confidence as you work through the Porn Reboot system, but I want to give you something actionable that you can implement immediately.

Confidence comes down to a mindset shift. I want you to look at the target you have in mind: quitting your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Ending your out-of-control behavior is the end goal, and it likely has been for some time already. 

So if you made the decision many years ago that you’re going to permanently end your behavior, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve second-guessed yourself, whether you’ve failed in your attempts before, or how many times you’ve tried. What matters is that you chose to better your life in the first place.

I guarantee there are thousands of men hidden away behind their computers wishing they could have the strength to make that decision. They haven’t even attempted to end their behavior; they’ve resigned themselves to a miserable porn-filled life. But you, brother, are taking steps to leave that life behind for good.

Confidence can come from the knowledge of that simple fact. You chose to do something different with your life instead of continuing digging yourself deeper into that dark hole of misery, depression, and hopelessness. Even if you’re in the middle of a slip right now, you can always get back on the beam.

This is the easiest way to bridge the gap between you and the confidence you so badly need. You wouldn’t be here reading this if you weren’t at least somewhat set on deciding to end your behavior. I know it may sound silly or even too simple but sit there with that knowledge brother. Let it sink in and give yourself credit for choosing to take a different path. 

Your confidence will continue to grow and strengthen as you progress through the Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot program. Simply embodying the knowledge that you’re ready to forge a new road should give you the boost of confidence it takes to begin. You’re part of something bigger than yourself, brother, and on the way to something incredible. Stay the course and watch as your life changes before your eyes.

 

 

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“At This Moment In My Reboot”

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
“At This Moment In My Reboot”

Today I’ve got another great question from a brother in the Porn Reboot group. He asked:

“J.K., why do you say ‘At this moment in my reboot’ sometimes? You are 15 years free from pornography. Doesn’t it take two years to reboot, or at least for your brain to rewire? That sounds more like saying ‘At this point in my recovery’, which you regularly point out has no deadline. Don’t you often say you kick people out of the group once their reboot is ‘done’?”

A lot of men who first arrive at the Porn Reboot program assume that it’s just about quitting porn. Sure, quitting your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is the primary goal. However, quitting porn is only the beginning of the Porn Reboot process. 

Instead, Porn Reboot is a holistic process. Cutting porn out of your life doesn’t magically heal all the other areas that you harmed. It doesn’t build back reboot capital in the parts of your life that are suffering. Eliminating your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is only the beginning.

Too many men think that quitting porn is all it takes to overcome porn addiction. If it were that simple I wouldn’t be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t work with hundreds of men every year who burn their lives down because of their porn addiction problems. You wouldn’t be here reading this either if you truly believed that quitting porn was the only thing you needed to do.

No, brother. Quitting porn is only the start.

This is exactly why I’m so against things like “no fap.” Yeah, it’s great you stopped jerking off. That’s wonderful. But that’s not going to fix your financial issues. It’s not going to fix your mental health issues. It won’t fix your attachment issues or your social anxiety. Truthfully, quitting porn does nothing but magnify your lack of effective coping skills.

Remember that something made you rely on porn in the first place. Maybe it was medicating stress, maybe it was rejection at school, or maybe it was simple curiosity and seeking pleasure. Whatever the reason, though, porn became your solution to problems instead of actual problem-solving skills.

Eliminating porn is the first step. But developing coping skills and building a life worth living is where the true work lies. The system will get you to the point where you are no longer dependent on pornography, but it doesn’t mean the unresolved issues in your life are suddenly resolved. And that may take much longer than the two years required to rewire your brain. 

I’m not some magical guru who has fixed every area of his life. I’m very aware of the areas where I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m also more than aware of the areas where I’m not where I want to be. I use the phrase “At this moment in my reboot” because I recognize that I still have work to do, too.

I view rebooting as a lifestyle, meaning I apply the principles I used to control my behavior to dealing with other unresolved issues. The system isn’t only useful for pornography, it’s useful for every area I want to work on in my life. I practice what I preach which means I’m still working on myself to this day.

Our brother was keen to recognize this point and I’m grateful that he brought it up. I don’t want you thinking that I believe I’ve got all the answers. I don’t. I simply have a system that works for me and the other men in the Porn Addiction Counseling group. And I don’t just sit here writing blog posts, making YouTube videos, and recording podcasts without continuing to do the work.

When you hear me say “At this point in my reboot,” I’m not referring to my sexual behavior or my behavior with pornography. I’m referring to the other unresolved issues that I’m dealing with in my life. I’m no better and no worse than you, brother. I’m on my own journey through life and dedicated to helping others escape the same hellish cycle I found myself in.

While I don’t believe we are porn addicts forever, I do believe we are forever works in progress. Very few people will ever truly achieve enlightenment. We’re always going to have things we need to work through in life. But when you remove your out-of-control sexual behavior from the equation, working on these issues becomes far more effective and manageable. And life becomes that much more beautiful, too.

 

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Porn Addiction Problem: Insecurity Around Other Men

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Porn Addiction Problem: Insecurity Around Other Men

A brother in our group noticed this recently and initiated a great conversation and by the way, he had major porn addiction problems. He said,

“I went to a bachelor party for my cousin not too long ago. When I arrived at the place and saw nothing but brand new BMWs, Benzes, Audis, and all these other luxury cars. There were like 50 of these different cars. Meanwhile, I pulled up in my Honda Civic with a different colored door.

“I saw a ton of guys with loads of money walking in and out of the building so I didn’t walk in. I didn’t even make it past the parking lot. I left because I was so filled with feelings of shame, anxiety, and inferiority. Have you guys ever experienced something like this?”

I appreciate these vulnerable posts because they often express something most of us deal with. You might think you’re alone in feeling a certain way but I can almost guarantee you that at least one other brother in the group relates to what you’re going through.

Feeling insecure around other men is a big problem for guys like us. As you may know, I grew up in poverty and my academic performance was terrible. When I was in my twenties and took my first job in door-to-door sales, I realized it would take many years for me to get those nice things our brother talked about in his post. 

Although I couldn’t immediately acquire these nice external resources, I realized that I could maximize my internal resources and my external physique in the meantime. I developed a dedicated gym routine. I started working on my social skills. I was determined to overcome my crippling anxiety. I knew that honing these skills would make a massive difference as I worked to get some of those nicer things I wanted. 

While these things didn’t get me a nice car or a nice apartment, they did keep me from worrying so much about the station wagon I drove around. I felt strong and confident, less concerned about what others thought of me. That confidence played into how I carried myself, how I integrated with others, and how I felt about myself as a whole.

Here’s the thing, brother: yes, it’s great to drive a nice car. It feels awesome to have a huge house, an expensive watch, designer clothing, and luxurious vacations. I won’t deny that those are all enjoyable things.

But here’s the other thing: if you don’t do any internal work and develop some confidence, none of your external circumstances matter. You could roll up in the most expensive Maserati on the planet but if you don’t know how to carry yourself then you’ll still feel insecure. You might be able to cling to your possessions for some time but they’ll eventually give way and you’ll find yourself feeling inferior again.

I truly believe that you should first focus on developing yourself. Work on your personality, your character, the energy you give out, the way you carry yourself, and your physique. When you focus on developing these things to the highest possible level, the result shines much brighter than even the nicest car you could buy.  Eliminating porn addiction problems along the way.

Of course, there’s also nothing wrong with upgrading your vehicle to one that has four doors that match. But developing yourself allows you to carry yourself with confidence regardless of your circumstances, and that is something that no one can take away from you.

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Risky Emotions While Rebooting

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Risky Emotions While Rebooting

I’ve got another question from a brother in our group today. He says:

“Hey brothers, I have to stay accountable and report to you. I’ve had multiple slips over the past two days, twice yesterday and once today. It started when I was tired from the gym and came home to no one else in the house. I now recognize that isolation and tiredness were two major vulnerabilities.

“I looked at some images first but it quickly progressed into watching pornography. Then this morning I laid around in bed for a while and ended up looking at images on my phone again. It didn’t take long for me to open up a few tabs of porn again.

“This has happened so many times, easily hundreds. It has left me feeling off and scared, scared that I’m not going to be successful and that I’ll spend the rest of my life a complete mess. I know it’s down to me to change it but what if I don’t have it in me?”

I always appreciate it when a brother comes to us and shares where he is at. Growth only comes when we’re willing to ask for help. I know that at face value this might sound like a great share. It seems like it’s full of authenticity and accountability. However, there are some things in here to be wary of.

First, he ends his post by saying he feels off and scared because it’s something that’s happened “hundreds” of times. He feels his life is a “complete mess.” These statements are full of heavily charged emotions.

He also explains he had multiple slips within 24 hours. Here’s the thing, though. If you slip up repeatedly in a day then you’re now in a relapse, not just a slip. He should just say that he relapsed and leave it at that. A relapse isn’t much worse than a slip; you still get the same result.

Second, he did a great job of identifying his mistakes but he did nothing to change the situation. It’s great to recognize where you’re going wrong but recognition does nothing if you don’t take action to change it. Recognition is the first step but action is where the true change occurs. He needs to take this awareness going forward and apply action next time temptation arises.

Third, there are quite a few issues he could have addressed to keep himself less vulnerable. He mentions feeling tired which arises from a problem with self-care. He also says he was looking at his phone which could have been avoided if he kept his phone out of his room. And he also said he came home to an empty house so he could have reached out to someone because he knew he was in a risky place.

All of these things are valid porn addiction problems during your early reboot. If you don’t have much experience applying the reboot system to your life, they’re likely to arise at some point. The system outlines clear actions to take which can help you avoid these things but many of them are inevitable in the beginning.

Learning from other brothers in the group is a great way to recognize areas where you may eventually fall short or need some help. Take his view of his life as a complete mess, for example. How many times have you thought the same thing? How often have you felt like you’re never going to control your behavior?

Most of these experiences are common for all of us. They’re things we struggle with at various points during our reboot. But they don’t have to be things that take us down for the long run. Every man who arrives with porn addiction problems at the Porn Reboot program has a chance to change his life. None of us are hopeless or beyond recall. We all have the opportunity to become better men.

These emotionally-charged statements will hold you back from recognizing your ability to change, though. If you cannot take control of your emotions you’ll find they will drive your decisions over and over again. The sooner you learn to control your emotions the better. And implementing the Pornography Addiction Counseling which is the Porn Reboot into your life is the best place to start.

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