“Oh my God, J.K., it’s so hard to quit. The urges are overwhelming and won’t go away. The withdrawals are unbearable and it’s been like this for days.”
Here’s what I have to say to that, brother.
So what?
Yeah, it’s hard. I’m not going to make light of it. It’s not easy to quit porn. You’ve spent your entire life giving in to the urges every time they come up because you can’t handle sitting with the pain and discomfort it takes to overcome them.
It’s not just that way for you, brother. It’s difficult for everyone who struggles with porn addiction problems. The truth is, no one can make it any less hard. You can complain all you’d like but you’re only going to make it more difficult for yourself.
You can’t go through life without pain. It’s impossible. Difficult experiences are an inevitable part of the human condition. You can’t avoid them no matter what you do.
When you’re in the beginning stages of your reboot, the truth of this is impossible to hide from. You’re finally starting to realize that you’ve spent your entire life medicating with porn and masturbation. You don’t know how to handle challenges when they arise. You can’t sit with these feelings because you’ve never had the strength to do so before.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn.
That’s what the Porn Reboot system is here to do. It’s here to equip you with the tools you need to work through the discomfort. You become part of a group that understands exactly what you’re going through. We’re here to prop you up when you need it and support you during the tough times. But none of the support we offer can match the inner strength you’ll build using the system.
If you only focus on the difficulty you’re making things much harder than they need to be. Instead, focus on developing the skills that will help you overcome your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. You’re going to build up the different areas of your life you’ve spent months and years neglecting.
Sure, it’s not an easy process. You may even slip up from time to time in the beginning. But instead of slipping and giving up, you’re surrounded by people who will encourage you to get right back on the path. You’ll feel encouraged by the brotherhood instead of beaten down by your behavior for the first time in your life.
When you throw yourself fully into rebooting, you stop thinking so much about how hard it is to quit porn. You have a new goal to focus on now. You’ll continue applying the right strategies, making changes to your environment, and learning how to manage your emotions. You begin to notice areas that are lacking and work on them without any external influence. And this will happen before you even realize it.
Again, I know it isn’t easy, brother. I never promised you it would be easy. Rebooting is a long, difficult process. The thing I can promise you, though, is that it’s worth it. Every difficult day, each challenge that comes up, all the things you get through, they’re going to be worth it in the end. When you look back and realize you overcame your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, the arduous journey will be worth every step it took.
One of our brothers brought a great question to the group recently.
“Part of my desire to look at porn has to do with the fact that I still want to have sex with other women even though I’m in a relationship. I act out to give me that experience without ‘cheating.’ How do I reframe this mindset to have the right perspective about having a healthy porn-free sex life?”
First of all, wanting to have sex with multiple women is natural. Whether that’s a “good” or “bad” thing depends on you, your values, and what you were raised to do. Plenty of men enjoy a fun, hookup-filled youth. They slept with many different women and made the most of it during the times they could.
Having these sexual experiences is crucial early on, before choosing to settle down with a partner. I think that we can all agree that being in a committed relationship does mean that having multiple partners is out of the question.
Some men choose to get married early and never have a hookup phase. They found a woman they love and care about but sacrificed the opportunity to have a range of sexual experiences. After a decade or two, though, I find that some of these men regret never giving themselves that chance.
This brother admits that part of the reason he views porn addiction problems is to keep him loyal to his partner. He suppresses the biological urge to sleep with a variety of women by watching things play out on a screen. While I think that’s an important realization to come to, it doesn’t work for men who deal with compulsive sexual behavior.
Committed relationships make our lives easier as civilized human beings. It relieves us of the time-consuming biological aspect of jealousy. This frees you up to focus on other important aspects of your life such as caring for your family and performing well at work. It also increases the vital sense of intimacy between you and your partner.
Pornography robs you of your ability to be intimate with your partner. Sure, you may have sex. You might even have a lot of sex. But sex doesn’t necessarily equate to intimacy. Watching hours and hours of porn caters to your most primal desires and strips away all intimacy, one of the most important aspects of human relationships.
Although it’s natural to want to sleep with many different women, you’ve decided to commit to the woman you’re in a relationship with. Millions of men over the years have found a way to be in committed relationships and remain monogamous which means you can do the same.
Feeling attraction for other women isn’t a reason to act out on your compulsive behavior. It’s not ran excuse to continue watching porn. You can’t justify the detrimental effects that your behavior has by saying it keeps you from stepping out on the relationship. There are plenty of more fulfilling ways to live your life that don’t involve cheating on your partner.
If this is something you’re actively struggling with, I invite you to join us in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. There are tons of men in there who understand exactly what you’re going through and can likely share a story or two about their own experience. You’re anything but alone in this experience, brother. All you have to do is reach out for help.
I’ve spoken and written extensively about the importance of recognizing your limiting beliefs.
These are the things you tell yourself and that you fully believe, things like, “I am hopeless,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not worthy of love,” or “I’m never going to be able to fully recover from my porn addiction.”
A belief is a small idea that either enables you to do something or holds you back from doing something. They are the inner model you use to interact with the world around you. Your beliefs are the framework within which you operate.
Your beliefs determine where you go, the direction you move, and the pace at which you progress. They affect who you are, who you become, and how you bridge the gap between these spaces. If you want to progress in the world you need to continuously recognize, assess, and adjust these beliefs you carry.
What Limiting Beliefs Look Like
Three of the most common limiting beliefs I see in the men I work with are hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. These three beliefs are key reasons why men hold themselves back when they are trying to reboot.
Hopelessness is the belief that you cannot achieve whatever goal it is you have in mind. You don’t believe in yourself enough to trust that what you want to do is possible for you. On the other hand, when you believe in your skills and resources and trust that you’re capable of achieving your goals, you feel hopeful.
Helplessness is the idea that while you know something may be possible for someone else, you don’t believe it’s possible for you. You don’t trust that you have the skills or knowledge to accomplish what it is you want to do. But when you trust yourself and your abilities, you feel empowered.
Worthlessness is based on the idea that you aren’t good enough for or don’t deserve the things you want in life. If you believe you are worthless then you will not take the action necessary to make drastic changes. However, when you recognize your inherent worth as a person, you’ll find yourself willing to do what it takes to change your life.
How Beliefs Work
Think of your belief system as a massive filter for your attention. The beliefs you hold are the filter for everything that happens in your life. Your brain needs an easy way to interpret all the things going on around you and your belief system makes it easier to process.
Your mind always interprets any incoming information or feedback in a way that supports your existing beliefs. If you have limiting beliefs, your mind will pick up on things that further instill this negative view of yourself. But if you have empowering beliefs, your mind will find evidence that supports this more positive, useful frame of mind.
When you operate with limiting beliefs you’re going to overlook any evidence that suggests you’re a good person with positive traits. It’s easier to toss out feedback or information that doesn’t support your view of yourself as hopeless, helpless, worthless, or whatever other limiting beliefs you may have.
When you’re filled with empowering beliefs about yourself, you’re equipped with a much more effective filter. You not only accept the evidence that you’re a good person worthy of good things, but you’re also willing to recognize where you fall short and work on bettering yourself in those areas.
Limiting Beliefs in My Life
I have plenty of experience with limiting beliefs, especially before I learned to control my behavior with porn addiction problems and masturbation. For example, I would see someone doing well financially and it ran through my negative belief filtering system. I’d tell myself I couldn’t get where they were because I wasn’t as smart and couldn’t focus as well as they could.
This limiting belief held me back for years because I thought I didn’t have what it took to accomplish what these men had accomplished. I didn’t recognize my strengths because these negative beliefs kept me trapped. They left me incapable of taking the necessary steps to help myself and move forward.
It wasn’t until I began working with mentors who pointed out this negative filtration system I operated with. I remember one specific turning point when one of my mentors called me out and said:
“Hey, the reason you can’t accomplish what you want to do isn’t that you’re incapable, J.K., it’s because you have this inaccurate, harmful filter that everything passes through. When it comes to money, when it comes to willpower, when it comes to discipline, all these things pass through that filter that tells you you can’t do it. We need to get rid of it.”
It felt like someone finally handed me the keys to freedom that I spent years searching for. While I didn’t overcome all of my limiting beliefs at once, it set me on the right path that helped me work through them over time.
Why Beliefs Matter in Your Reboot
So why are beliefs important to men like you specifically? What makes it urgent and important to pay attention to your beliefs as you start the porn addiction recovery process?
Oftentimes men in the Porn Reboot system come in with limiting beliefs they’ve carried around for years. They never take time to question them, though. Instead, they push forward and drive themselves further into the ruts their negative belief system lands them in.
You’re going to have a hard time moving forward and making progress in your reboot if you never take time to recognize your limiting beliefs. You have heard the idea that beliefs can move mountains, right? The power of beliefs runs deep and you’ll be amazed at the things you can accomplish when you overcome your limiting beliefs.
When you come in with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness, ending your out-of-control behavior will feel impossible. After trying and failing to control your behavior for years, these beliefs will be deeply ingrained in your mind. Until you challenge this negative filtration system, you’ll remain stuck in your prison of limiting beliefs.
Thankfully, the Porn Reboot program offers a solution to your limiting beliefs. We help you understand the precise thoughts holding you back and take action to overcome them. The Porn Reboot Facebook group is filled with men who were once held back by their limiting beliefs. These men now live beautiful, fulfilling, enriching lives free from the control of their porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior.
Still not sure whether you’re capable of overcoming your problem with porn and masturbation? Reach out in the group today – I guarantee you’ll find yourself surrounded by understanding, support, and guidance to get you out of your way.
Maintaining a high level of energy is an important thing for men who are high performers.
You need consistent energy levels to accomplish everything you need to do during the day. When you’re new to your reboot, though, you might notice that you feel exhausted at times. Or maybe you’ve been more tired than usual since you started working on overcoming your porn addiction.
Over time, your compulsive sexual behavior robbed you of your ability to recover energy. So much of your mental capacity is consumed either by actively engaging with your behavior or by thinking about it. You eliminate any healthy tools you can use to recharge and instead rely only on the mediocre sleep you get each night.
Human beings aren’t designed to only expend energy and sleep. You’re supposed to have other things you use to recharge your system aside from sleep. But when you destroy your mind and body’s natural functions with compulsive sexual behavior, you often eliminate those techniques from your life.
Having high energy is a requirement for men who want to perform well. What are some ways you can start working on your energy levels during your reboot?
Increase Your Energy Capacity
Recharging your energy levels doesn’t happen only by sleeping 9 hours per night or taking a long vacation every few months. These are helpful ways to ensure you don’t crash in the long run but they’re far from being the only effective tools for increasing energy.
Increasing your energy capacity is one way to have high energy during your reboot. Energy levels are a lot like a muscle – they’ll atrophy if you don’t work on or make use of them for a long time. If you want to have high energy levels, you need to build your energy capacity.
Think about the way the gym works. You don’t start out benching three plates on your first day; you start by using the barbell alone and then increasing the weight week after week. The same goes for increasing your energy levels during your reboot. You need to put in the same level of effort that’s required at the gym.
Energy Levels and Reboot Capital
You’ve likely read about reboot capital here on the blog or heard me talk about it in videos or on the podcast before. Building reboot capital in different areas of your life is crucial if you want to quit porn and be successful. This helps you increase your energy levels, too.
The three main areas of reboot capital that help you raise your energy levels are mental, emotional, and spiritual capital. You need to work on each of these three areas if you want to increase your energy capacity during your reboot.
To increase your mental capital, you need to push yourself mentally every day. This could mean you study or work for an extra 30 minutes than you originally planned to. You might read another chapter of the book you’re reading instead of playing on your phone before bed.
To increase your emotional capital, you need to put yourself in situations that usually make you uncomfortable. Perhaps you have a vulnerable conversation with your spouse that you might have been opposed to in the past. Maybe that means you report a slip or relapse to the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot group instead of keeping it to yourself.
To increase your spiritual capital, you need to incorporate some new mindfulness practices into your life. You could start meditating for five minutes each day for a week and then increase the time with each successive week. You may want to return to the church you grew up in or find a new faith practice that works for you in the present day.
Building Your Energy Over Time
Each of these small mental changes encourages a shift and increase in your energy levels over time. The more you care for your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, the more you can tolerate throughout the days, weeks, months, and years.
Before your reboot, it may have felt almost impossible to function after having a poor night of sleep. As you increase your energy capacity, though, you’ll find it easier to function under less than ideal conditions.
Ultimately, brothers, you must be willing to endure short-term discomfort in your mental, emotional, and spiritual life if you want to build the strength you need to succeed. Success doesn’t come without hard work. But every temporary moment of pain that you sit through makes you stronger in the long run and gives you the energy required to perform well.
Today I want to write about a question from one of our brothers.
“Hey, J.K. I’ve been doing great so far with the Porn Reboot program but I want to know how to discern between healthy flirting and dangerous fantasizing. I’m currently talking to a bunch of women but not sure how to pursue things. Getting too sexual over text may cause me to relapse. Sometimes I’m not sure whether I’m leaning too far into the realm of my compulsive behavior or if it’s simply a genuine interest in a woman. How do I navigate those nuances?”
Do you ever find yourself in a situation similar to this? Are you concerned about where the line between healthy flirting and dangerous fantasizing lies? It might not be as complicated as you’re making it out to be, though.
Here’s the thing: I don’t see any nuances here.
This brother mentions that he’s talking to a bunch of women and worried about getting too sexual because of the risk of relapse. If flirting with women over text puts him in a situation that may lead to relapse, that should be a very clear boundary. He shouldn’t be texting sexually with women if he thinks it could result in a slip.
I want to point out two more important things in his question.
What is the purpose of flirting with a ton of women?
Why does flirting over text equate to things getting sexual?
Flirting with A Ton of Women
The first thing I recommend is getting clear about why he’s flirting with a lot of different women. I do want to mention that I see nothing wrong with having casual sexual partners. I went through a phase like that myself. I also think it’s risky to pursue relationships like this too early in your reboot, but there’s a place for it when you have more control over your behavior.
But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on here. Our brother says he’s talking to a lot of women, not dating a lot of women. What is the purpose of talking with them? Is he trying to learn to become more intimate (the primary priority when rebooting) or is he only looking for sex?
Since he mentioned he’s worried about things getting too sexual I’m guessing that he’s looking for sex.
Again, it’s okay to have casual sex once you’ve rewired your brain. If you’re worried about relapsing because you’re flirting with someone, though, your brain probably hasn’t rewired yet. It might be a better idea for you to focus on building reboot capital in other areas for now instead of flirting with women.
Texting Getting Sexual
This brother also mentions his concerns about texting getting sexual. While texting doesn’t necessarily equate to things getting heated, that is something more common with flirting in today’s world. Sexting and sending explicit pictures have become the norm among men and women today.
This creates a problem for single men who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. You can’t conduct yourself like everyone else, brother. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing; learning to control your behavior should be your priority. This means that sexting, sending dick pics, and receiving naked pictures from women isn’t an option for you.
I’ve been in a relationship for 13 years and neither of us has ever sent an explicit picture to the other. I assure you it’s not because we’re conservative people but it’s because I set a hard boundary early on that it’s not something for me.
Even if you’ve been in a relationship with your partner for a long time, explicit texts are a slippery slope. Naked pictures and videos of your wife or your girlfriend still count as pornography. It doesn’t matter that you see her naked all the time; it’s the fact that it’s a digital image that gets you stimulated.
Texting isn’t inherently sexual but oftentimes it crosses the line into that today. If you can’t keep your text conversations conservative then you need to shift your priority to working on yourself some more.
Focus on Building Intimacy
Your porn use and compulsive sexual behavior destroyed your understanding of intimacy. Porn addiction effect is the furthest thing from intimate. It doesn’t portray the true nature of intimate sexual relations. Building intimacy is an important part of the Porn Reboot process and it won’t happen when you’re only focused on sleeping with women in the early stages.
It takes time, energy, and attention to build intimacy. It doesn’t come from a one-night stand. The more you spend time listening to the women you’re talking to and actually hearing what they say, you’ll build a stronger connection and a healthier relationship.
If you don’t feel like you’re able to build intimacy just yet, though, that’s okay. It comes with time and takes practice. You’ll learn to build these kinds of relationships the longer you stick with your porn addiction recovery. For now, spend some time with us in the free Facebook group and let us know what we can do to help.
They are the religious approach, the 12-step approach, and the therapeutic approach. Each of these works for different people based on personality, background, needs, and so on. However, they also tend to create obstacles where none should actually exist.
I have a hard time with the Big Three because each of them applies archaic and out-of-date methodologies to a very modern problem. For example, problems like alcoholism are relatively predictable. Alcohol has been the same substance for centuries. Flavors and brands may change but the substance itself remains the same.
On the other hand, porn addiction is a modern problem because it’s constantly evolving. What was mostly magazines and VHS tapes a few decades ago is now the most expansive library containing whatever you could possibly want to watch, anytime, anywhere. It’s not the same beast that it was 20 years ago, and it’ll be a completely different beast 20 years from now.
The way that high-speed on-demand pornography has rewired men’s brains is something else entirely. It creates changes that feel as though they’re permanent. Men watch their sexual preferences change as their pornography use progresses. They begin fantasizing about things they would have never imagined themselves attracted to before watching porn.
Applying one of the Big Three methodologies to your porn addiction recovery often neglects this reality. It uses old approaches that don’t take a comprehensive approach that’s required for your recovery. They focus more on porn use and less on the important tools you can use to overcome it.
For example, triggers are a hot topic in these traditional approaches. You’re taught to think that triggers are the main cause of your porn use and compulsive sexual behavior. There’s this belief that if you have a problem with pornography, you need to avoid any potential triggers that could lead you to relapse.
Leaning into this belief about triggers means that if you have a problem with pornography and see a scantily-clad woman that you’ll experience an uncontrollable urge and have no choice but to relapse. Do you realize how ridiculous that is?
I understand that triggers are a real thing and they do create a biochemical reaction that leads to arousal. Men experience a biological response when they see something sexual that falls within their arousal template. But the belief that you have no control once you’re triggered is absolutely unreasonable.
Accepting this belief means your life becomes a quest to avoid triggers. That’ll make you a wildly useless person, though, because triggers are inevitable. What are you going to do, shut yourself away in your house for the rest of your life?
You have a choice in how you respond to triggers. It might not feel like it at the beginning but you do. You lose control over that choice as you fall deeper into your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. But you can regain that control if you use the right system and approach.
That’s exactly what the Porn Reboot program is designed to do. It’s built to help you build a solid foundation for recovery and then equips you with the tools and skills needed to maintain what you’ve built. It’s not a program that teaches you that you’re a victim to circumstances and need to spend your time avoiding triggers. It’s a program that empowers you with the ability to recognize that pornography isn’t something you want as part of your life.
I’ve seen it time and time again with men who use our system. Over time they realize that they prefer not to watch pornography. They build a life that is so fulfilling and preferable to the way they were living before that the idea of watching pornography or engaging in those old compulsive behaviors again is abhorrent.
Whether you believe it or not, brother, you have a choice when it comes to your porn addiction symptoms and compulsive sexual behavior. Sure, compulsive behavior with pornography, sex, and masturbation is real but your response to it is one hundred percent your choice. And regaining that choice is the most important thing you could possibly cultivate within our system.
It’s a common thing for men who start progressing in their porn addiction counseling use past the initial stages. But it creates a lot of confusion when men don’t understand why they’re watching what they’re watching. Until they learn more about porn addiction, some wonder whether they’re bisexual or gay.
I believe that most men who watch these genres of pornography aren’t bisexual or gay. Porn addiction is a progressive condition. This means that you need to seek increasingly intense or stimulating scenes over time to achieve the same effect. Gay and trans porn is oftentimes a part of this porn progression for many otherwise straight men.
A licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) commented on this video, though, with a different take. He said:
“I’m fully aware of and support your work, as well as the notion that pornography and other sexual behaviors are addictive. My theory based on my work, though, is that we live in a society where the majority of people are bisexual and a fringe number of people are either fully straight or fully gay. Many men who watch gay porn are likely part of this larger bisexual category.”
This worries me. I already have my opinions about men with porn addiction seeking help from most traditional therapists. The comment left by this LCSW on my video backs up my concerns and shows how misunderstood porn addiction still is.
Many therapists out there do not understand the concept of porn addiction. They see nothing wrong with men watching porn and masturbating daily. Sure, this might be fine for a normal man but men with porn addiction aren’t like other normal men.
It’s even more serious for men whose porn use progresses past “vanilla” porn. When they start looking for more provocative genres of pornography, insight from an uninformed therapist can be downright dangerous.
For example, some therapists (like the LCSW who commented on my post) will be quick to brand a man watching gay or trans porn as bi-curious at the very least. However, I’ve worked with hundreds of men who delved into these genres but are as straight as they come. Branding men who are already confused and vulnerable as their sexuality only complicates things further.
Professionally speaking, I’ll admit that every human being exists somewhere on the spectrum from straight to gay. I don’t believe that means the number of people who are either strictly straight or gay are the minority, though. Plenty of men can recognize the attractive aesthetics of another man without identifying as gay.
So, again, does watching gay porn make you gay? I’ve seen from my own experiences working with men addicted to pornography that this oftentimes isn’t the case. You need to cut pornography from your life and begin rebooting before you can make an honest appraisal of that, though.
Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. There are hundreds of men in the Porn Reboot program who also see a therapist to work through issues outside my scope of expertise. But they spent time vetting the therapist they now work with and ensured it was a therapist who understands the severity of porn addiction and the directions it can progress.
Seeking help from a therapist who doesn’t understand porn addiction won’t be helpful. They’re more likely to focus on your attraction to men than your issues with porn. From my experience, you need to address your porn issues and let your confused sense of attraction sort itself out during your reboot.
While this is not a Christian system and nor am I a Christian, I do have a lot of Christian clients. I work with men who are ministers, monks, former monks, believers, and even pastors of megachurches. There are plenty of religious men who are part of the Porn Reboot group and I want to help these men today.
A brother asked,
“Hey J.K. I’m a Christian and I want to wait until marriage to have sex because I’m still a virgin and would like to save myself for my spouse. I also believe that masturbation is probably wrong. Is there anything different I should be doing if I plan to have absolute abstinence from all sexual contact before marriage?
“I’m also worried that my future spouse will have a lower sex drive than me. What is a good way to determine whether she and I will match in sex drive? How important is that overall, anyways? Thanks, brother.”
Again, while I am not a religious person and this is not a religious system, I fully support my Christian brothers. If you’re a Christian man who struggles with porn addiction problems, I understand what an overwhelming thing it can be. I hold no animosity or judgment for my Christian brothers and mean no disrespect to any religion here at Porn Reboot.
I want to break down this important question for you if these are some things you’re having a hard time with, too.
Is Masturbation Wrong?
This gentleman mentioned that masturbation is “probably” wrong. I hear that from a lot of my Christian and Muslim clients. They believe that masturbation is wrong but you can almost always hear the hesitation in their voice when they say this.
Here’s the thing, brother. You either believe in something or you don’t. You cannot believe that something is “probably” right or wrong. If you’re in this position, you “probably” don’t believe that’s the truth. Someone may have implied that it’s wrong, suggested that it’s temptation, or even explicitly told you that it’s wrong, but deep in your heart, you may not believe that.
At the same time, this half-belief creates a deep sense of guilt and shame. Once you’re addicted to porn and can’t control your sexual behavior, you’re left feeling like a sinner, like a weakling, like less of a man. You might believe that you’re going to hell for your actions.
In reality, though, you may not be as awful as you think. Your porn addiction might not be an addiction at all, either. You may be so conditioned by your religious beliefs to see yourself as a sick, compulsive, sexual person but realize after talking with us that your behavior isn’t as compulsive as you originally thought.
Sometimes we’ve even talked with Christian men who believed they had a problem when they showed up to the Porn Reboot group. After spending some time around the group, though, they realize their problem wasn’t as severe as they thought. They’re able to go about their lives with a newfound understanding of masturbation and come to terms with their natural, inherent, biological sexual drive.
Abstinence Before Marriage
Abstinence before marriage is a personal decision for every person. While I never recommend complete abstinence, nor is the Porn Reboot system based around it, I’ll never tell a man what he should do when it comes to his personal beliefs.
I have found that complete abstinence works for some men but not for others. We teach control over your sexual behavior and help you learn to manage your sexual urges. We also teach you how to accept yourself as a sexual being and that means we don’t recommend complete abstinence.
If abstinence is part of your religious convictions, though, you may want to leave these aspects of the Porn Reboot system aside. There’s nothing wrong with abstinence before marriage if that’s the path you choose to take but it will mean leaving behind some parts of the system that don’t align with your personal religious beliefs.
Sexual Repression
The biggest problem I notice among my Christian clients is the shift toward sexual repression. A lot of men who remain abstinent end up in the realm of sexual repression rather than rebooting. They believe that being free from porn and masturbation for a few years means they’ve successfully rebooted, but that might not be the case.
I hear from men with these porn-free years who find they still experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. They haven’t acted out on their behaviors for years but still cannot achieve an erection naturally. Men who are in this position haven’t rebooted, they’ve only repressed themselves sexually.
While having sex isn’t a required part of the Porn Reboot system, we do require that you don’t repress yourself sexually. We need to find out what that looks like for you, especially if you’re choosing to remain completely abstinent until marriage. But when you fall into this space you’re still not fully rebooted and have some more work to do.
Differences in Sex Drive
This is a problem I hear often from men who choose to remain abstinent until marriage. The truth is, there’s no way for you to know what your future wife’s sex drive is like. You’ll never know until the two of you finally have sex.
At the same time, there’s also no way for you to know what your sex drive is really like either, especially at the start of your reboot. You are dealing with compulsive behavior. You do not know the difference between your actual sex drive and the urges you’re medicating with porn, masturbation, and sex.
You’ll only learn what your natural sex drive is as your brain rewires over time. Men who actively have sex during their reboot can learn about healthy sex sooner than men who choose to remain abstinent. You won’t have the opportunity to engage in any sexual behavior when you choose to remain abstinent, though, so you’ll miss out on finding out what your baseline sex drive is until you’re married.
Matching Sex Drives
The final part of our brother’s question asked whether matching sex drives is truly important. In my opinion, finding a partner whose sex drive matches yours is imperative. I think when you’re an individual who has successfully rebooted and wants to have a healthy sex life, your partner should want to have sex as frequently as you do.
Admittedly this is a deeper topic that I could expound upon in another post, the basics of it are the same. I do believe that partners should have similar sex drives otherwise this creates even more problems down the line. But if you choose to remain abstinent until marriage, you’ll never know whether you and your partner have matching sex drives until you get married.
Christians and Porn
Ultimately, brother, being a Christian and struggling with porn addiction recovery doesn’t make you a terrible person. I don’t believe it means that you’re going to hell or that you’re beyond saving. I know many Christian men who have overcome their compulsive sexual behavior and become incredible, stand-up members of society.
The choice to remain abstinent until marriage is yours alone. It’s not something that I recommend but I still know men who have been successful in their reboots while remaining abstinent. If you’re looking for some help with similar struggles, come check out the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’re guaranteed to find another man who can share his experience with you and support you along the way, whatever you decide to do.
A lot of men come to the Porn Reboot program with severe limiting beliefs.
Many of these beliefs originate in childhood then continue developing as you age. They come from traumatic incidents, unhealthy relationships, repeated failure, and more.
The culmination of these limiting beliefs often results in an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Men arrive at the program worn out, beaten down, and broken, exhausted after years of self-deprecation and repeated inability to control their behavior.
You probably feel this way to some extent.
Maybe you’re thinking something to the effect of, “There’s no point anymore, I’m going to fail no matter what I do.”
I’m here to reassure you, my brother, that that’s not true. You may feel hopeless now but there is a solution in the porn addiction recovery system that can save you from your porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior. Men who adhere to the system find themselves able to control their out-of-control behavior within 90 days and then continue to build better lives for themselves well into the future.
But you don’t have to worry about the future right now, brother. Let’s focus on the present and work through why you feel so hopeless in your reboot. Hopelessness is a feeling that stems from the belief that you’re stuck. You have no reason to feel positive expectations or move toward the future in your life. These beliefs keep you stuck in the same place, creating a downward spiral.
Four main elements create feelings of hopelessness:
Victim Mindset: Men with a victim mindset view life as happening to them. They believe that you’re standing on the side of the road watching things happen with little say in how they play out, encouraging feelings of hopelessness.
Irresponsibility: Irresponsibility ties into the victim mindset. When a man believes life is happening to him, he’s refusing to take responsibility for the aspects he can control. This refusal to take responsibility further instills hopelessness.
Blaming: A man who won’t take responsibility for his circumstances instead looks for someone or something else to blame. He believes he’s in his present situation because of his parents, partner, politics, or whatever else he can think to blame.
Powerlessness: Men who blame others for their problems put themselves in a position of powerlessness. Those who see themselves as victims, who won’t take responsibility for their situation, back themselves into a corner with no clear way out.
These four elements combine to create an overwhelming, looming sense of hopelessness. It causes men to lose drive, energy, and motivation. They no longer have hope for the future because it feels like there’s nothing they can do that will make a difference.
Does this sound familiar?
Thankfully there’s a solution to that looming sense of hopelessness. It starts with recognizing that you are responsible for your life. You determine how things go. Sure, you might not have control over certain aspects of life but you have full control over how you respond to them.
It’s up to you to make the adjustments necessary to change your life.
Start by asking yourself questions that will shift your thinking and perspective.
“How am I causing this?”
“What am I doing to make this my reality?”
“What am I pretending not to know to keep things the way they are?”
These are far better questions than asking yourself why things are happening “to” you.
These questions also encourage self-reflection and your answers give you actionable steps to take, helping you realize that you’re anything but stuck.
Once you take ownership of your life and begin applying solutions, you start to reclaim the control that you spent years giving away. You’ll experience small wins here and there that encourage you to keep going. You’re going to notice your life taking a new direction and likely find that things play out differently than you always expected they would.
As you take responsibility for your life and recognize the areas you can change, your feelings of hopelessness diminish. You’ll feel hopeful for the future when you see just how much say you have in your life. You’re no longer at the mercy of whatever happens; you take your power back and decide how you’re going to respond no matter what may happen.
I understand that you may feel hopeless now, brother, but those feelings will change. You won’t feel stuck forever. Seeking help on porn addiction counseling asap. It’s difficult to arrive at the Porn Reboot group and recognize how much work there is to do but it’s also empowering to know that you have the power to shift your life.
Today I want to respond to a concern that I receive from time to time.
I get it in responses on my YouTube videos, comments to the group, and even direct emails from time to time. It may be a question you’ve even thought to yourself before. I never want to assume no one else has this thought aside from those few who bring it up so today I want to address it.
The comment in question reads:
“How can we trust you when you take so much money upfront for your training? Is it a classic narcissistic trick to exploit vulnerable people and then blame them if they fail? I’m not trying to be negative or anything but it’s a genuine concern that I’ve had with you.”
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to trust me. You don’t have to trust anyone, honestly. Anyone who’s followed me for a significant amount of time knows that I say assume B.S. with everything. Second-guess all of it. Whether it’s a podcast, a YouTube video, or an email in your inbox, question anything you see until you know it’s proven to work.
Here’s the other thing: my entire system is free. It’s free on YouTube. It’s free on my podcast. It’s free here on the blog, too. I recently wrote an in-depth set of posts on the stages of the Porn Reboot system as an update to the set I wrote a few months ago.
Of course, these things aren’t tailored to your experience or personalized for you; it’s a general outline of how the Porn Reboot system works for any man who wants to use it. It’s the system I used to overcome my out-of-control behavior with porn and masturbation over a decade ago. Since then, I’ve worked with hundreds of men who used this same system to overcome their behavior, too.
You don’t have to join the Porn Reboot intensive group if you don’t want to. You’ll find none of my necessary content hidden behind a paywall. Everything you could need to overcome your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior is available on my site, my YouTube channel, my podcast, and my free Facebook group. I don’t charge for any of it.
The system doesn’t change whether you’re in the free group or the Porn Reboot intensive group. The path to rebooting remains the same regardless of which avenue you choose to take. The stages of the Porn Reboot program don’t look any different once you become a paying member of the group.
The difference is that the Porn Reboot intensive is for men who want to take the extra step with their reboot. They want ongoing accountability, regular support calls, and access to an exclusive group of high-performing men working to control their out-of-control behavior.
They aren’t the trial rebooters who browse my free content but never truly apply these concepts and practices in their lives. The men in the intensive take themselves and their compulsive behavior seriously and back that intensity with their actions.
We deliver results to men whose behaviors cause them to lose much more than the fees we charge. From the relationships they destroy, the careers they tear apart, the business deals they lose out on, what they have to lose far outweighs the cost of the Porn Reboot program.
I have dozens of high-performing men who come to the program looking for help with little concern for what the cost may be. I work with CEOs on the edge of blowing massive business opportunities. I work with men in line for life-changing promotions that may miss it because of their out-of-control behavior. I work with fathers who are at risk of losing their families because of their behaviors.
Men in these situations think less about the cost of the program and more about the results it will get them. The things they have to lose are worth far more than the price tag attached to the Porn Reboot intensive group. Our program fees are a small price to pay compared to the things on the line for these men.
Here’s another way to look at it: you wouldn’t question why the doctor who treats your cancer charges what he does. Most extensive treatments and surgeries cost more than a person’s life savings. Hospitals charge enormous amounts to provide their services but you wouldn’t hesitate to pay them, you’d seek treatment and then figure it out.
Men who qualify for the porn addiction recovery intensive are looking to treat their porn addiction problems with the same sense of urgency that people with life-threatening illnesses have. They’ve reached a point where their out-of-control behavior is life-threatening in one way or another, whether in terms of their livelihood, their family, or their life itself.
I was at this point when I finally had enough. I knew that if I didn’t do something to get my behavior under control that I was going to destroy everything. I paid the price for a professional intervention because I had reached a place where I was almost gone beyond recall.
If you haven’t reached these types of depths in your porn addiction counseling then you’re a lucky man. There’s a chance you may reach it later on down the road if you don’t find a way to end your behavior. But you might not need to become a member of the Porn Reboot intensive to do that.
Plenty of Porn Reboot brothers never become paying members in the intensive and still overcome their behavior. They use the content I provide for free and do the work without making excuses. They’re the same type of determined men who join the group but didn’t join for one reason or another, yet they still learned to control their behavior with the Porn Reboot system.
So no, I don’t think you need to trust me. I think if you’re even asking yourself that question then the Porn Reboot intensive isn’t for you. I’ve shared plenty of success stories on my YouTube channel and within the Facebook group for you to know that it works. If you don’t think it’s worth the cost, though, then the Porn Reboot intensive group isn’t right for you.
Still, I welcome you to read some more blog posts, listen to the podcast, watch some videos, and join us in the free Facebook group. Even if you don’t trust me I’d love for you to see what Porn Reboot is all about. I want to help men just like you whether you’re paying me or not. Because helping men get their lives back is where I find my true success and purpose.
