How do you draw the line between success and failure in your reboot?
What does failure mean to you and what does success look like?
Men who are working to end their out-of-control behavior with porn and masturbation often have a goal attached to it. Maybe you hope that you’ll have a happier, more fulfilling relationship with your partner once you control your behavior. You might think that you’ll find freedom from shame and guilt on the other side of your reboot. Perhaps you believe that you’re going to accomplish your physical goals, find peace of mind, or focus on your career.
However, when you slip or relapse it all seems to fall out of your reach. It feels like all of these goals slip away and you have to start over again, worried you’ll never accomplish what you’re ultimately hoping to do.
I want to challenge that belief, though. I want you to reconsider the way you look at what success and failure in your reboot mean.
Too many guys come in here thinking that the only path to reboot success is never slipping again. They think that Porn Reboot will wipe away their desires immediately, that they’ll never deal with an urge to act out again.
If this is what success looks like to you, brother, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Sure, some guys have never slipped, but I find that slips are a common part of the experience in the beginning. You’re working to rewire your brain after years of pornography addiction and compulsive behavior. It’s not all going to change at once.
Guys who carry this mentality are the ones who lose all hope when they slip. They’re the guys who feel their goals are out of reach when they relapse, falsely believing that they lost all their progress. They fear they’re going to be stuck in this painful cycle forever.
I want to challenge you to look at it differently. We’ve talked before about the idea that slips are data and nothing more. A slip doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, that you’re not going to accomplish anything, that you’ll never overcome your behavior. A slip is simply a slip. It’s a side effect of the process of rewiring your brain away from porn and masturbation.
You need to reframe your view on it. Having a slip doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person with no willpower who doesn’t deserve to reboot. It means you’re a man who’s on a path to better himself and is working one day at a time to get closer to the man he knows he’s capable of becoming.
If you’re still having a hard time and feel like a failure, you can join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’re not the first person to struggle with these feelings and I guarantee you won’t be the last. Rebooting is a long process that takes dedication and drive, but anyone who sets their mind to it can reboot. It helps to have support along the way, though, so come join us in the group and let us know where you’re at.
How much time do you spend scrolling through social media looking at people whose lives you envy?
People post up the positive snapshots in their lives and you start asking yourself what they’re doing that you’re missing.
“What do I need to do to get to that level of happiness?”
“Why does that guy have a six-pack?”
“How is this guy crushing it in his business?”
“Why does this guy look like he has a perfect family?”
“How did this guy buy his dream home?”
This applies to your reboot, too. Men start setting benchmarks at points where they think they’ll reach happiness. Whether it’s 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, even a year, they apply timelines and limits to being happy.
Why do people do this?
I think it has to do with the rush that we’re always in. Everyone is trying to get wherever it is they’re going faster. We’re rushing to a place where we believe we’ll finally be happy and free of pain, where the grass is greener than the spot we’re currently standing in.
I hate to break it to you, brother, but that’s not really possible.
Sure, there are hundreds of moments in your life that are going to leave you feeling happy beyond measure. You’re going to experience incredible moments of joy and bliss as you move through your life. But those moments of joy also come at a price.
Why?
Because life is 50-50.
For every positive aspect of your life, every little bit of happiness, it’s going to balance out with something that we would label as bad or negative. It’s one of those painful universal truths; you cannot have happiness without balancing it out with sadness.
The beauty of the 50-50 concept, though, is that for every sad moment you’ll also experience a happy moment. Just as sadness is inevitable, happiness is also always possible if you maintain the right outlook.
I don’t mean to be a downer today but this is something that I’ve had on my mind lately. We all rush to reach certain goals or milestones or aspirations, but at one point or another, we’re going to experience the opposite. Pain is inevitable and difficulties are going to arise, brothers. Rushing through these experiences denies you of all the things you can learn.
There will always be experiences to learn from that set you up for the future. Trying to rush through the pain only elongates the process. Instead, learn to sit with the difficult times and the emotions that come from them. You’ll always come out stronger on the other end when you refuse to rush through the battles in life.
You might think this is an odd question to ask considering the point of the Porn Reboot system is to end your behavior. It’s a serious question, though. When men put applications in for our programs, we ask them this exact question during the interview and I usually get one of two answers.
The first group of men admits that they don’t really believe that they can stop. They doubt themselves and don’t know how to accomplish what feels like an insurmountable obstacle. These men have low self-esteem and struggle to follow through on their goals.
The second group looks at me in disbelief, shocked that I’d even ask. They’re confident they can end their behavior but they just haven’t figured out how. Given the right tools they know they can leave their behaviors behind.
I have less faith in the first group of men. Sure, they’re honest about their feelings on whether they can stop their compulsive behavior. But at the same time, their inability to believe in themselves holds them back. Men who don’t believe in themselves are more likely to give up when things get difficult.
On the other hand, the second group is filled with men who have a better chance of learning to control their behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation. They may appear overconfident but their belief in themselves is what keeps them pushing forward. Many of these guys have tried and failed with a few programs before arriving at Porn Reboot and they’re still confident they’re going to overcome their behavior.
When I ask them how they maintain this self-confidence, most give a simple, straightforward answer.
“Because I choose to believe I will be happy and end this behavior, I’m not going to live with it for the rest of my life.”
Some men are naturally inclined to this positive line of thinking. It’s ingrained in them to keep pushing, keep working, keep striving. They know there’s an answer to their problem out there, whatever that problem might be at the moment, and they just have to find it.
Other men are naturally inclined to not believe in themselves. They throw in the towel when things get tough and have a hard time keeping their chin up. They don’t truly believe they can accomplish the things they set out to do.
At the same time, though, these men still took the initiative to apply for the Porn Reboot program. They have some spark of belief that they can overcome their behavior otherwise they wouldn’t have requested an initial consultation. If they choose to, these men can make the shift from not believing in themselves over to recognizing what they’re capable of.
I truly believe that anyone can control their out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, or what your story is. I know that with enough belief in yourself and a firm willingness to do the work needed to change, you can end your behavior.
It doesn’t matter how much I believe in you, though; if you don’t believe in yourself you’re not going to overcome your struggles. You can do anything you set your mind to in this world, from quitting porn to launching your own business to starting a family. If you make the decision to believe harder and back that belief up with action, you can accomplish whatever you can imagine.
When you develop enough belief in yourself, that drive will keep you moving forward. It will propel you through whatever obstacles arise as you move towards your goals. This self-belief helps you first in your reboot and then carries over into any endeavor in your life. All it takes is a spark of belief in yourself and I know you have it because you’re here reading this post.
So, let me ask you again. Are you going to end your behavior?
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the things you’re tolerating in your life.
I asked you to consider people and situations you put up with that shouldn’t be a part of your life anymore. There are so many men tolerating unreasonable situations from things in their marriages to their careers and more.
One thing a lot of men settle for is a sexless marriage. When you’ve been with your girlfriend or wife for a long time sometimes the sex and intimacy slow down. There are also cases where your out-of-control behavior affects sex and intimacy with your partner. But if your marriage or relationship remains sexless for months or years and you do nothing to fix it, you’re settling.
Tolerating and settling for situations you can’t stand holds you back. It’s often a contributing factor to your porn addiction cycle, too. If you’re in a sexless marriage, what can you do to keep from settling for the situation? How can you save your sexless marriage?
Acknowledge Your Betrayal of Your Partner
Women typically view your out-of-control sexual behavior as a betrayal. It doesn’t matter whether you sought contact outside your relationship or you stayed in your office and watched porn; they often see it as the same thing. Your problems with compulsive behavior create the idea and lead to the belief that she isn’t enough for you.
Your partner will not want to be intimate with you when she feels betrayed. You have to be willing to accept she may not want to have sex with you for a while because you broke her trust. Acknowledging this element of betrayal is the first thing you need to do when you’re in a relationship.
Do Some Work On Yourself
Another reason for sexless marriages is that some women lose interest in having sex with their partner. It happens in many monogamous relationships at one point or another. Women get used to their partner and start viewing them as a best friend or roommate instead of a sexual companion.
You might want to blame your partner for this but I recommend you look at yourself. Have you stopped taking care of yourself? I find this is often the case. You start dressing down, neglecting hygiene and grooming, letting your hobbies fall to the wayside. Your behavior causes you to lose your sense of purpose, adventure, and excitement for life.
You must prioritize taking care of yourself and being the man she got together with in the first place. If she’s starting to lose interest, the responsibility lies with you to get it back. Start caring for your physical appearance, get ambitious again, find some enthusiasm, stay driven, and work toward your goals.
Learn to Communicate Your Needs
You need to learn to communicate your sexual needs with your wife. Women and men have different sex drives from a biological standpoint and you have to let her know what you need from her. Some men avoid expressing their needs out of fear of vulnerability or being shut down. But she’s far more likely to respond to the honest communication of your needs than shutting down and not asking for what you want.
There’s nothing wrong with having sexual needs. Both men and women are sexual creatures and it’s part of our makeup. If you don’t want to be in a sexless marriage, you must start communicating your sexual needs with your partner.
Find Fellowship With Other Men
Your partner shouldn’t be the sole focus in your life as you work on fixing your relationship or marriage. You need to devote time to yourself and also to being part of a group of men. Building friendships with other men who understand what you’re going through is crucial.
Join a group like the Porn Reboot group on Facebook and surround yourself with a group of strong, like-minded men. You’re not the only one struggling with this problem – men in the group bring it up regularly. This came from a question someone initially asked in the group, after all. If you’re having a hard time in a sexless marriage, come join us for support as you address your out-of-control behavior and work through your relationship with your partner.
Today’s topic comes from a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group.
And based on the responses this brother received in our group, he’s not alone in his experience. It’s a potentially taboo subject but I’m glad he brought it up because it’s a common thing men observe when they begin their reboot journey and it’s important to talk about. He asked:
“I’ve seen how the interracial genre of pornography has affected me growing up and learning to objectify all women, particularly white, South American, and Asian women. It’s confusing to me because I’m in an interracial relationship and I don’t want to believe that my porn use influenced it.
“How can I come to terms with this? Are there deeper reasons I prefer to watch a Black man performing over another race or is it simply because I relate to him as a Black man myself?”
There are quite a few things to unpack here.
First, your preference for a particular race is influenced by multiple things. Sure, porn probably plays a role in at least some of it but it’s far from being the only factor. Your preferences are influenced by your culture, the environment you grew up in, popular culture, and sometimes even religion.
If you grew up in an area surrounded by people who are the same race as you, you’re likely to end up with someone of the same race. Statistically and generally speaking, humans evolved to develop an attraction to people who look similar to them. This biological factor is a significant contributor to your sexual preferences.
At the same time, the rise of popular culture over the last few decades has shaped preferences, too. You’re impacted by the movies you watch, the music you listen to, and the media you consume. For example, if you’re a white guy who grew up watching BET, you might end up having a preference for Black or Latina women.
But what role does porn play in these preferences?
There’s a significant difference between the way movies and TV shape your preferences compared to pornography. Movies and TV involve emotion and intimacy when portraying the women you see on the screen. They shoot the scene in a way that highlights the women’s femininity, her sexuality, and her humanness. But porn is an entirely different beast.
Pornography is not about emotion or intimacy at all. Sure, there are the flimsy storylines everyone jokes about but they’re only there to serve one purpose: get the woman (or women) naked and ready for sex.
Porn floods your senses with these over-the-top performances of raw sexuality. It involves extensive objectification. When you add the interracial genre into the mix, you also add the detrimental components of stereotyping and racism.
Interracial pornography influences the way we look at and fantasize about different races. Men like us who deal with porn addiction tend to bring our pornographic preferences into real life. So men who aren’t prejudiced or racist in their real lives suddenly find themselves acting out these stereotypical interracial sexual fantasies when it comes to sex.
This creates a lot of guilt and shame and explains exactly why this brother is worried about his relationship. He is rightfully concerned about the role pornography may have played in his preference for particular women.
I do want to point out that your preferences aren’t necessarily wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to different types of women, certain ethnicities, or various body types. Unless you’re hurting someone, it’s not anyone’s business how your particular arousal template develops. But problems arise for men who haven’t overcome their porn addiction.
If you’re still trapped by stereotypical racist fantasies portrayed in pornography, you’re going to have a skewed perception of your preferences. You’re more likely to look for women with whom you can express these negative fantasies, rather than a partner with whom you can form a trusting relationship.
Through the responses our brother received on his post, he realized there’s nothing wrong with his relationship. He’s overcome his behavior and addiction and his old porn preferences had nothing to do with his existing partner.
But that doesn’t mean it may not be different for you. Look at your relationship or current sexual partners and ask yourself whether you’re playing out stereotypical interracial fantasies. How far have you come in your reboot? If you’re still struggling with slips, your preferences might still be skewed.
Feel free to reach out to the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know whether this is something you’re struggling with. Are you having a hard time determining if porn is still influencing your preferences? We’re here to help you unpack your problems and set you straight with some active action you can implement today.
A recent study performed by two professors at Oklahoma University found that divorce rates double in men that start watching porn. One of the main reasons why these rates are so high is because hiding porn addiction from a partner can feel a lot like cheating. Putting your addiction behind you and moving on to the next chapter in your life can be difficult if your partner still holds resentment and hurt for your past actions. Instead of lashing out and positioning yourself as the victim in this situation, you need to look at things from your partner’s point of view.
You need to realize that porn addiction can lead to the trust in a marriage getting depleted. If you want to rebuild trust with your partner after porn addiction, consider the helpful information below.
Be Willing to Set Up Boundaries
Once you seek out treatment for your porn addiction, you will have to find a way to completely retool the way you live your life. Falling back into old habits is easy if you make no discernable changes. One of the first changes you need to make when trying to rebuild trust with your partner is setting and abiding by new boundaries. You need to show your significant other that the changes in your life are real.
This is why you need to do things like installing Internet protection software designed to track your activity online. You may also want to provide your partner with a list of your email addresses and passwords. Going to marriage counseling is also something you should volunteer to do. By establishing these boundaries and providing this information, you can show your partner you don’t intend on going back to your old habits.
Take Responsibility For Your Actions
The worst thing a recovering porn addict can do when trying to rebuild trust with their partner is making excuses for their bad behavior. If all you provide your significant other with is excuses, they will have a hard time believing what you tell them. This is why you need to lay all of your cards on the table and take responsibility for all of the hurt you have caused. While this will require you to swallow your pride, it is worth it to keep your relationship healthy.
Put Physical Intimacy on the Back Burner for a While
Porn addiction can take away your ability to be affectionate with your partner without expecting sex. If you want to show your partner that your recovery is real, then you need to take sex off of the table for a while. Not only will this take the pressure off of your partner, it can also help you focus on other things besides sex.
If you are currently waging a battle against your porn addiction, you need to realize you don’t have to do this alone. With the help of Elevated Recovery, you can put porn addiction behind you for good.
Mental energy is a vital component of your daily life.
You need to organize your day to focus on important tasks and fulfill your responsibilities. It takes a certain amount of mental energy to get through your day and accomplish everything you need to do.
When you struggle with compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, though, you’ll notice low energy levels from time to time. That sense of mental exhaustion makes it difficult to complete the things you need to get done.
If you’re here reading this I’m sure you’re familiar with that feeling.
That mental exhaustion is inconvenient especially if you’re a high-performing man. Overcoming your out-of-control behavior and taking back your life is a lot harder when you’re tired all the time.
What can you do to manage your mental energy during your reboot?
Why Do You Have Low Energy?
Before you can effectively manage your mental energy you need to know what keeps it low. Porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior keep your mind active almost all the time. Whether you’re thinking about your behavior or engaging in it, your mind is constantly consumed with it.
The negative emotions and negative self-image caused by your behavior also consume your mental energy. Men feel immense guilt and shame about the pornography they watch, the things they do, and the slips that happen when they try to quit. The cycle is exhausting.
Sound familiar?
There’s also the general exhaustion that comes with staying up late when you act out. You might try to go to sleep on time but end up blowing it by staying up all night watching porn. Of course you’re going to feel depleted when you get terrible sleep.
Your exhaustion takes sense from a biological standpoint, too. Years of compulsive sexual behavior destroy the reward system in your brain. Eventually, you need something extra exhilarating to get the dopamine release you’re looking for.
Ultimately, your mental energy is drained in every capacity.
Embracing Realistic Optimism
As you start working on your mental energy drain in your reboot, I suggest incorporating a practice that I call realistic optimism. Realistic optimism is when you accept the reality of the world with a positive, optimistic attitude, regardless of whether things are positive or negative.
That doesn’t mean you deny the reality of your situation. You must recognize that your compulsive behavior impacts every area of your life: your work, your family, your spirituality, your finances, your potential, and more. All these things experience at least some sort of fallout from your behavior but realistic optimism means you remain hopeful in the face of it.
Realistic optimism also is not a passive take on your life. It’s not sitting back and trusting things will work out without putting anything into it. Realistic optimism requires action. It means that as you take action, no matter how your life looks right now, continue believing that things will turn out well in everything that you do in every area of your life.
Taking Steps to Manage Your Mental Energy
It’s not easy to incorporate the things needed to manage your mental energy. Developing these strategies and adopting them is challenging during the beginning stages of your reboot. You first need to control your immediate behaviors before any of these steps can be effective. Once you have a hold on your more pressing behaviors, try these steps out.
Implement Positive Self-Talk
I know this might sound a bit woo-woo to some of you but don’t knock it until you try it. You may think it’s simplistic but the way you talk to yourself has a massive impact on your mindset. If you spend the day telling yourself that you’re a terrible person, it’s going to affect the way you see yourself. When you believe that you’re a terrible person it’s harder to overcome your harmful behavior.
For example, consider how you talk to yourself when you slip. Do you call yourself weak or a loser, or do you view it as a mistake and encourage yourself to make a different choice next time? The second view is far more productive than the first view. Practice talking to yourself this way instead.
Practice Visualization
Again, I know some of you guys think these things have no ground but I want you to try them before you discredit them. It’s an approach I’ve found very effective in my own experience and it’s helped me not only in my reboot but in other areas of my life.
Think about a point where you felt shame and humiliation. Call that memory to mind and notice how you can still feel it to this day, you get visceral feelings as if it’s still happening. This physiological response to visualizing something in the past is powerful.
The power of visualization runs deep. Your brain cannot differentiate between a vividly imagined experience and something you experienced in reality. It works with things in the past so why shouldn’t it work with things in the future? Take that power of visualization and direct it forward. Visualize yourself successfully overcoming the things currently blocking you.
Learn Effective Time Management
Effective time management is a crucial component of any successful reboot. It’s something that can be difficult to gain control over, especially at the beginning. You’re used to following whatever drive and desire come to mind. They’re usually things that pull you down into a dark spiral of out-of-control behavior.
Practice effective time management instead. This doesn’t only apply to work or your general responsibilities but it’s about getting these things done and still finding enjoyment in them. Learning to manage your time while enjoying it will leave you far more likely to stick with your schedule.
It Won’t Happen All At Once
The biggest mistake I see men make is in expecting drastic results. They think things are going to change in big ways right away, not thinking about the many years it took to reach this point. You didn’t develop your addiction and compulsive behaviors in a few weeks or months; you’re undoing years of conditioning.
Your behavior won’t change immediately and you’re not going to fix all the damage you caused all at once. You’re still going to have your head on a swivel at the beginning or you might objectify women at times. incredible damage their behavior caused along the way. Looking at the reality of that destruction is painful but maintaining realistic optimism while working on your reboot will help.
Come join us over in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know which tips were most helpful for you. If you’re struggling to keep from slipping, the support you’ll find in the group makes a massive difference. Join us today!
I believe one of the most important things I can do is share the mistakes I’ve made.
I have no shame in admitting that I’ve made mistakes because I know it helps others avoid those same pitfalls. If you can learn from the things I’ve done wrong then it was worth going through the struggles.
Mentors have served as an important part of my process and journey. I don’t believe I’d be where I am today without the guidance and the support I received from my various mentors. They helped me in many areas of my life from my relationships, to my business, to my health, and more.
At the same time, I’ve learned quite a few lessons along the way. Some of these lessons have been quite expensive ones, too, to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. Other mentors guided me into making decisions that hurt me emotionally. Some of the worst experiences simply left me stuck spinning in one place and ultimately wasting a ton of time.
I’m a big fan of mentors because I believe they help you save a lot of time and money. They’ve “seen the movie before,” so to say, so you can learn from their experiences. In a world of information overload and internet gurus, though, it’s easy to find yourself led astray. Everyone’s an expert on one thing or another, but you don’t want to put your faith in these self-proclaimed professionals.
I want to help you make sure that you choose the right mentor for you. The sports cars and watches might make it look like their life is put together. A few well-placed ads can drive that message home. But being a good marketer and being a good mentor are two entirely different things. Hopefully, you can learn from the mistakes I made.
Getting Distracted By Material Success
Too often men find themselves caught up and distracted by material wealth. Someone’s material success has nothing to do with their overall lifestyle and happiness. Just because someone has a Rolex on their wrist and a Lambo in their driveway doesn’t mean they’re qualified to offer you any advice. Their possessions have little to do with their life as a whole.
Now I overlook the flashy exterior and into the type of life they live. I take advice based on their overall happiness, not whether they’re stacking millions in the bank. They have to prove their understanding of the particular subject matter and show me they are skilled enough to get me from one point to the other. If they can’t do that, I’m not interested, no matter how many 0’s follow the 1 in their bank account.
Looking For Mentors Outside My Age Range
Age isn’t an immediate indicator of a mentor’s success but it is something to consider. You should look for a mentor who is around the same stage of life as you, but who is also a bit removed. They should be a few steps ahead of you but close enough to still relate.
If you’re a man in your fifties, there’s little to nothing that a 20-something mentor can offer you. They can’t advise you on how to build healthy long-term relationships or navigate massive career decisions. Their life experience is too limited.
On the other hand, if you’re in your twenties and looking to a 50- or 60-something mentor for advice, he might be a bit disconnected from your stage as well. He might not be forthcoming about his whole story and may alter certain parts to make it seem like he sailed through areas where you’re currently struggling.
I think the best option is to look for a mentor who is no more than a few years younger or five to ten years older than you, but no more than that. They’re going to be an individual who you can envision yourself growing into and having some aspects of their life you can replicate during the next few years. Their success feels more realistic and achievable because they’re closer to where you’re at in life.
Believing in the Fallacy of the Self-Made Man
There’s no such thing as a self-made man. I said it. I didn’t get to this point in my life on my own. There’s no way I could have done it on my own, not at all. No one gets to where they are without at least some sort of support. Whether it’s social, emotional, or financial, there’s always some assistance along the way.
That doesn’t mean these men don’t have drive and self-belief. They had some help along the way, sure, but they took that guidance and used it to the best of their abilities. I use my dedication and persistence to keep moving forward with the help I receive, but I still need someone to walk alongside me and keep me on the right path.
Seeking Help From Someone Too Far From Your Experience
Think about what it is you want to accomplish with this mentor and consider what you need from them to do it. If you want to work on your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, what are their qualifications to help you in that area? Have they found a way to work through and overcome their problem? Do they have personal experience with it?
You can’t look at someone with a general qualification, something like substance abuse, to help you with a pornography problem. They may have similar struggles but they’re unique enough that you need someone with the same experience. Look for mentors who found success in the areas you hope to be successful in if you want a positive mentoring relationship.
Before I dive too far into this analogy, I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a big sports fan. I’m warning you now because some of my examples might not make sense to the die-hard sports fans in our group. Cut me some slack because I think that overall it’s a good comparison.
When you’re part of the Porn Reboot group and using the system in your life, you’re part of the game. Every day that you wake up, you have a new opportunity to play the game and stack up wins. I get to function as a coach here in the group and I will never quit on you so long as you never quit on yourself. As long as you’re in the game I’ll be here alongside you.
You might lose a game here and there. Maybe you lose a few in a row. But as long as you stick in the middle and keep playing the game, you can always come back with a win or two or ten. I’m never going to quit on you no matter how many losses you have, as long as you stay in the game and keep playing. And as I’ve coached hundreds of men over the years, I’ve noticed four types of people involved in the Porn Reboot game.
The Critic
The critic is the guy who throws shade from the stands. He always disagrees with whatever is going on. He’s yelling at the players, arguing with the referees, and complaining about one thing or another the whole time. But he’s never actually in the game.
When it comes to rebooting, these are the guys who judge others on their reboot. He insists men who struggle with porn are losers who can’t get laid or are dealing with deep-seated religious guilt. He doesn’t believe porn addiction is a real problem and that men who can’t control it are weak-willed.
He watches as you improve your life in all areas, from your marriage to your diet to your fitness to your finances. As you separate yourself from your old behaviors, he’s always on the sidelines trying to drag you down.
Meanwhile, the critic often has his own out-of-control behaviors with pornography but he’s in denial and convinced he doesn’t have a real problem. He’s too afraid to make moves of his own so he’ll tear you down for yours instead. He hides behind passive aggression and a victim mentality to avoid looking at his issues.
The Cheerleader
The cheerleader is your all-around good guy. He’s always encouraging other players on the field and rooting for them to win. He wants the best for the people around him and he’s a great guy to know. Similar to the critic, though, he’s not on the field himself. He’s a lot more enjoyable to be around but he’s still not in the game.
This is the guy who pushes you to do your best but doesn’t carry the same enthusiasm for himself. He isn’t able to internalize the positivity he has for others and use it to believe in himself. He’s the guy who tells himself he isn’t smart or talented enough, or that he’s too much for people.
His self-doubt keeps him on the sidelines the entire game. Even though he’s a positive, fun guy to be around, he wastes his own life watching others go after what he’s too scared to try. While he’s terrified of putting himself out there, there are plenty of guys who aren’t as smart or talented as he is who succeed because they’re at least willing to try.
The Competitor
The competitor is the guy who’s a fan of the underdog, rags-to-riches stories. He loves all of the motivational videos, inspirational speeches, and uplifting books that outline the pathway others used to find success. He gets into the game himself and gets knocked down into the dirt, but he also gets back up every single time.
Unlike the critic and the cheerleader, the competitor has skin in the game. He’s made his way from the sidelines onto the field. But there’s still a drawback to being this type of player.
The problem with the competitor is he’s inspired by the fight against adversity. He’s hooked on the motivation he gets from overcoming obstacles. Since the setbacks are what keep him striving, he’ll never truly overcome them. He doesn’t know how to succeed without finding something blocking him first.
There’s nothing wrong with fighting adversity but deriving your motivation from it is a dangerous place to be. These players usually have everything it takes to rewire their brain but they’re missing the final piece of the puzzle. They’ll stay stuck in the competitor role until they escape the underdog mindset and sit down in the driver’s seat of their life.
The Champion
The champion is the real winner of the game. This is the type of player in the Porn Reboot game that you ultimately want to be. He’s the man who comes out on top and overcomes his out-of-control behavior.
Every champion starts as a competitor at some point but not all champions overcome their adversity mindset. Those who focus on adversity stay stuck; those who focus on winning become champions.
Too many people end up trapped in the victim mentality and the vicious cycle of always overcoming adversity. They’re so focused on the grind and the hustle but never set out a timeline or establish an end goal. They have no picture of what it looks like once they win so they aren’t sure how to make the shift.
There are plenty of gurus online who build their business on the story of overcoming adversity. They have an appealing underdog vibe to them but those programs only build competitors who stay stuck in the cycle.
The Porn Reboot system builds champions. Ultimately you’re not supposed to stay around with us for years. You’re here to overcome your out-of-control behavior, build new habits, and move on with your life. You don’t need to be with us beyond the two-year mark. You’re a champion. You rebuild your life, establish your reboot capital, and continue moving forward.
Which Type of Player Are You?
So the question I have for you, brother, is which player are you? Which role do you occupy?
I often find that men start as critics. It’s the easiest player to be, after all. But I also find they make their way through each role as they progress through their reboot. They start as cynical critics, move into being encouraging cheerleaders, start fighting back as competitors, then finally discover they have what it takes to be a champion.
And that’s exactly what the Porn Reboot system does. It’s built to help you do just that. Our group is filled with men leveling up in the world and becoming the champions they’ve always been capable of becoming.
We want you to become a champion in your life, to take back control of your out-of-control behaviors. So what are you waiting for?
We live in a culture where people identify with their dysfunctions.
When someone receives a diagnosis, they internalize whatever that particular diagnosis may be. I’m sure you’ve heard it from plenty of people before.
“I’m A.D.D.”
“I’m A.D.H.D.”
“I’m dyslexic.”
“I’m depressed.”
Some people even go as far as to integrate their diagnoses into their personalities. They center their thoughts around this one aspect of their life and use it to frame their entire worldview.
I read a study the other day that said individuals who believe in the concept of repressed childhood trauma are more likely to uncover it during therapy. On the other hand, those who don’t believe in it are less likely to discover any repressed childhood trauma.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying people never repress their traumatic experiences during childhood. I am saying, though, that the beliefs you carry leave you more susceptible to certain things. If you go into a therapy session convinced that you’ll find some memories you’ve tucked away in your mind, why wouldn’t you?
There’s no denying the rise in people who identify with their diagnoses. The problem is they don’t realize how much embodying these medical labels limits their potential. You cut yourself off from so much possibility by staying in the box a therapist or psychiatrist ascribes to you.
If you’re considering seeking out a psychologist for a diagnosis for your out-of-control behavior, you might want to reconsider. There are plenty of alternative approaches to controlling your behavior that don’t require you to slap a label on yourself. If the goal is to end your out-of-control behavior, shouldn’t you do it through the most effective avenue possible?
Therapy and Porn Addiction
Most therapists center their approach around exposing the root causes of your everyday behavior. They dive into your history and look for experiences that explain your current struggles. This is a great approach for individuals who struggle with serious mental illness that affects their quality of life.
Although your porn addiction probably affects your daily life if you’re here reading this, it’s not the result of a moral or mental issue. It’s not something that you’re going to solve with a weekly talk therapy session. You might know this from personal experience after trying it yourself, too.
Therapists are fantastic at helping people manage and learn to live with their mental illness. But unless you also deal with some type of co-occurring mental health issue, a therapist isn’t going to be your best option for overcoming your out-of-control behavior with sex, porn, and masturbation.
Depending on the modality they use, they’ll likely encourage you to dig deep into areas that might not be troublesome. You could find yourself spinning in circles trying to uncover the source of your behavior when there may not be a source to look at other than a lack of emotional development and maturity.
I’ve found over the years that men in our group usually aren’t dealing with any serious mental health issues. You might experience some depression or anxiety as a result of hiding your out-of-control behavior, but that’s not the same thing as a clinical depressive disorder. Once you start addressing your porn addiction, you’ll notice these feelings dissipate on their own.
Successful Men vs. Narcissistic Men
A lot of successful men display strong, assertive characteristics like self-assurance and confidence. Depending on how you handle them and who you ask, though, these might be labeled as narcissistic traits. If you fall in this category and seek therapy, you might be encouraged to label these traits as character defects. In reality, though, they’re often character assets.
Successful, high-performing men don’t take no for an answer. They didn’t rise to the top by rolling over and acting like a doormat. These men tend to have lofty, aspirational dreams. Reaching these dreams and goals requires ambition, hard work, and determination.
You don’t want to slap a diagnosis on yourself and start overanalyzing your positive characteristics. As long as you’re not using them to dominate the people around you or hold a grandiose view of yourself because of them, these are good things to have. They can be incredibly helpful traits when you use them to better yourself and the world around you.
The Porn Reboot Difference
The men in the Porn Reboot group are people who won’t find their answer sitting on a therapist’s couch. We don’t view the problem as a mental or moral failing; we view it as a biological problem. Trying to overcome your behavior through therapy or moral convictions is counter-productive when you’re working with a biological issue.
The Porn Reboot program uses a system that leads to lasting change. It’s the only thing that worked for me and the hundreds of other ambitious, high-performing men in our group. It teaches you to take control of the narrative in your life instead of allowing outside people to dictate it for you.
You might struggle with a porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior but that doesn’t reflect on you as a person. It doesn’t mean that you’re bad, that you’re immoral, or that you’re hopeless. It simply means that you didn’t develop the ability to cope properly in certain situations without turning to porn or certain behaviors for relief.
Hopefully, this provides some reassurance that you can change your situation without a diagnosis. You don’t need a label from some therapist to find a solution to your problem. You can start developing and working on a set of skills and coping strategies to rewire your brain instead.
Eventually, you won’t need pornography, sex, or masturbation to cope with difficulties in life. You won’t turn to these out-of-control behaviors whenever you feel stressed or overwhelmed. But I want to reassure you that you don’t need a diagnosis to overcome these behaviors. In fact, you’re probably better off without it.
If you’re ready to make a change, you can start taking the steps to overcome your addiction and compulsive behaviors today. Read through some more blog posts here on the site, check out our YouTube channel, or tune into the Porn Reboot podcast on your platform of choice. Join our free Facebook group for support from brothers just like you who know what you’re going through.
There are plenty of resources available that don’t require a psychiatric diagnosis. Feel free to look through our site and join us when you’re ready!
