If you have one that’s wonderful but if you don’t it’s not the end of the world. You can still live a happy, healthy, fantastic life without having a “purpose.”
The way I see it, purpose is an idea that’s transformed into a product sold by certain individuals in certain institutions. I don’t believe it’s fully understood by most people. Many who claim to have a mission or a purpose don’t really understand what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. They may believe they have a purpose but their motivations are skewed.
Too many people use their imagined purpose as a way to get a book deal and some fame. Then they leverage that “purpose” to sell some products that tell others how to reach the place they’re at. So you pick up that idea and run with it but then you’re left wondering why it’s not working for you.
Here’s the thing, brother. Purpose isn’t something you derive from reading a book by another man who overcame his trials and tribulations. You can’t absorb purpose by osmosis. Purpose is intrinsic. It’s something that you uncover by working through your difficulties.
There are a lot of guys who do not go as deep as they can with their reboot. They have a bad habit of intellectualizing which holds them back from the beauty of a true reboot. These men enjoy listening to intellectuals, to high IQ individuals, to those with credentials behind their names.
They listen to these incredible speakers but then do nothing with the information. They listen for the dopamine release of the “aha” moment but then take no action to implement these realizations in their lives. Sure, they enjoy the material they consume but it’s useless if they choose to do nothing with it.
I’ve noticed this more and more over the years, the growing number of men who enjoy listening to intellectual individuals. They understand most of the material, the concepts make sense, and they enjoy the experience, but they don’t do a single thing with that insight. This mediocre mindset is what holds men back from achieving everything they’re capable of.
You aren’t going to uncover your purpose by listening to thought leaders if you don’t follow it up with action. It’s not only about the action, either. It’s also about the failure that happens during the process and, ultimately, the lessons you take away from the entire experience.
The transformation begins once you finally take action to overcome your out-of-control behavior. It’s not going to be a perfect process. You may slip up a few times in the beginning. But as long as you keep moving forward you’re going to find success. You’ll strip away the layers that no longer serve you and uncover the true confidence hidden within.
Working through your reboot instills a much deeper sense of purpose than any book you read or podcast you listen to. Hypothetical knowledge doesn’t do much for men who have struggles to work through. Nothing compares to getting out in the world and going through your own healing experience.
The Porn Reboot system is about much more than other approaches to quitting porn. It’s more than NoFap, more than semen retention, more than a 90-day challenge. The Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system is a journey to overcoming porn, yes, but it’s about identifying and changing every aspect of your life that porn has impacted.
If you want to find purpose in your reboot, you need to approach it with intention. You cannot be one of those men who doesn’t dig deep into the process. You must let go of the habit of intellectualizing if you want to be successful with your reboot.
There’s one important question you need to continuously ask yourself as you go through the reboot process: “What is the message that my unconscious mind is trying to tell me?”
This is the first step you’re taking to condition yourself into developing a deeper awareness and being receptive to greater concepts. I’ll dive deeper into this practice in a later blog post but I want you to start thinking about this question and all its possible answers. Until then, I’d like you to stop by the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know what answers you’ve uncovered so far.
Erectile dysfunction is a problem that lots of men deal with when they first arrive at the Porn Reboot program. Years of compulsive pornography use and masturbation can impact your ability to achieve a natural erection. Eventually, the problem often reaches a point where you have to watch porn if you want to get hard.
Left untreated, porn-induced erectile dysfunction can progress into ED that lasts even after you’ve controlled your sexual behavior. It can be very disheartening to learn that you still have erectile dysfunction after you’ve invested money, time, and energy to end your behavior. That’s why it is crucial for you to address your PIED as soon as possible.
I want to preface this by saying you may not find some of this information in academic journals or publications. That doesn’t make what I have to share on the matter any less significant, though. I’ve developed this understanding over my 10 years of working with men and helping them control their porn addiction problems and out-of-control sexual behavior.
So, what exactly is the root cause of erectile dysfunction?
Cialis and Viagra Are A Crutch
I want to address this before I get too far into the topic. Some guys think their ED is under control because they can always turn to Cialis or Viagra to get them going. Sure, it might work as a temporary solution but do you really want to rely on pills for the rest of your life? What happens if you reach a point where the pills don’t work, either?
Ultimately, Cialis and Viagra are only a crutch. They’re a temporary solution. They may work for now but they’re only making it harder for you to gain control over the problem and work through your erectile dysfunction. Three are too many guys who really believe in them but the truth is these pills only hold them back.
Cialis, Viagra, and other erectile dysfunction medications do nothing to solve the problem. They only put a bandaid over the issue and delay your seeking a true, lasting solution to your ED. If you put these pills to the side and focus on your reboot, you will more than likely regain your ability to achieve natural erections.
Mental Causes of ED
Achieving an erection is oftentimes a huge mental game. Your mindset often determines whether you’ll be able to get hard or not. There are plenty of mental things that can keep you stuck in a cycle of erectile dysfunction.
Fight or Flight Response
Human beings evolved to have a fight or flight response in situations where we feel anxious or threatened. Remember that survival ranks higher than sex in the hierarchy of human needs. This means if your nervous system is in a state of fight-or-flight, you’re not going to get or maintain an erection.
Let’s say you haven’t had sex in a while and you’re on a date. Everything is going well and it’s clear that the two of you are going to have sex later on. If you start freaking out because it’s been so long since you’ve been intimate with someone, you’re likely to send yourself into a state of fight or flight mode and keep yourself from getting hard.
Lack of Sexual Arousal
If you’ve never had sex before or it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, the only recent experiences you have are through porn. I want to remind you, brother, that sex in real life is much different than what you see on the screen. Things may not look, sound, or smell the way you’ve imagined they would and could keep you from feeling aroused.
One solution to this problem is to notice attractive things about the woman you’re with from the beginning. If you have trouble feeling aroused when you start to get intimate, think about whatever it is you find attractive about her and focus on it. Bring that thing front and center in your mind so you can maintain your arousal throughout the experience.
Not Being Present
It’s almost impossible to achieve an erection when you can’t be present in the moment. If you’re nervous and thinking about different things it’s going to make it much more difficult to get hard. Maybe you’re thinking about the next move you’re going to try, maybe you’re worried about the size of your penis, or maybe you’re concerned about your ED.
Obsessing over these things pulls you out of the moment and will make it impossible to get an erection. You must work on staying present in the moment if you want to overcome your erectile dysfunction.
Physical Causes of ED
Achieving an erection isn’t only a mental game, it’s a physical one, too. There are various physical aspects that affect your ability to get hard. You have to address these physical causes, too, before you can overcome your PIED.
Low Testosterone Levels
Low testosterone levels are at the center of a lot of problems for men. Decreased energy, lack of focus, and reduction in sex drive are only part of the equation. Low testosterone levels are also oftentimes responsible for erectile dysfunction.
If you’re struggling with ED or PIED, you need to go to your doctor and get your testosterone levels checked. I recommend it for every man who comes to the porn addiction recovery – Reboot program. Getting your testosterone levels right will make a massive difference not only for your ED but for your overall quality of life.
Weak Pelvic Floor
Having a weak pelvic floor will make it difficult for you to get an erection. You spent more time viewing pornography, edging, and masturbating than you did having actual sex. This resulted in weakened pelvic floor muscles after years of you misusing them.
You can strengthen your pelvic floor muscles with an exercise called Kegels. You may have heard of them as an exercise for females but Kegels work for men, too, and they’ll result in a more enjoyable sexual experience for you.
Low Nitric Oxide
Nitric oxide is responsible for relaxing your blood vessels, resulting in relaxed penile muscle tissue. If your blood vessels are too constricted, there won’t be enough blood flow for you to achieve an erection.
While you can use ED pills like Viagra or Cialis to solve low nitric oxide levels, there are better ways of fixing the problem. Proper diet and supplementation are two vital ways to restore your nitric oxide levels instead of relying on temporary fixes from pills.
Poor Lifestyle Choices
You have two main arteries in your penile region and not caring for your physical health can cause a plaque buildup in them. Making poor choices such as living a sedentary lifestyle, drinking too much alcohol, or smoking can create difficulties when it comes to achieving an erection.
Changing your choices can have a massive impact on your erectile dysfunction. There are different things you can do to improve your physical health that will carry over into your sexual health. This is crucial if you’re struggling with erectile dysfunction.
Addressing the Causes of Erectile Dysfunction
Now that you understand the causes of erectile dysfunction and porn-induced erectile dysfunction, you need to know how to address them. I’m going to turn this blog post into a series so I can get more in-depth with these solutions. ED and PIED are serious problems for many men in the program and I want to dedicate the proper time and attention to the solution.
In the meantime, why don’t you join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group? If you’re having a hard time with erectile dysfunction, you’ll find many men who are in the same boat as you. Let us know who you are and get into the middle of the group and you’ll find many guys ready and waiting to support you along the way.
I recently sent an email filled with dating tips for men who are early in their reboot.
One of our brothers replied to a particular section in the email and I wanted to share his question and my answer with everyone in the group. He said:
“J.K., in your email you mentioned that ‘Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk.’ I’m curious why you believe this is the case. Some men in the group are not currently in committed relationships but would still like to have sex lives.”
The quote this brother pulled removes all the context that surrounded it. My original sentence read:
“Take time to get to know the women you are dating. Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk. Slow things down and take the weeks or months needed to determine whether this woman is somebody you’re actually interested in.”
I don’t want this message to be misconstrued because I don’t have anything against strictly sexual relationships. I think it’s good for men to have sex during their reboot; learning how to reengage with women that way is critical. But the way you go about developing those relationships is important.
A lot of men do not understand that they’re missing the intimacy portion when it comes to sexual relationships. Pornography addiction destroys your understanding of intimacy because porn strips all intimacy out of the equation. It appeals only to your most basic primal urges, but sex in real life doesn’t work that way.
However, until you understand how to build intimacy, sex will always put your reboot at risk. That’s the important distinction I need you to recognize. You cannot develop healthy sexual partnerships (including uncommitted partnerships!) if you do not know how to have an intimate connection with the woman you’re sleeping with.
What are some of the risks that come with uncommitted sex?
Unpredictable Emotions
There’s a lot to learn when you begin the reboot process. Developing emotional awareness and maturity is one of the most difficult parts. You’ve spent so many years numbing and suppressing your emotions that you don’t know how to sit with them at the beginning of your porn addiction recovery.
Having sex outside of a committed relationship means more emotional unpredictability. When you don’t know the woman well you’re not going to know how they’ll react. If you’re still learning to identify your emotions, this possible emotional volatility on her part can negatively impact your ability to manage your feelings.
Inconsistent Sexual Experiences
Developing intimacy is easier when you’re in a committed relationship. You have consistent experiences and can learn about your partner’s particular preferences. You’re more likely to develop healthy sexual behavior at a consistent pace when you have sex in these circumstances.
Having sex with different partners creates an inconsistent experience. You can’t apply a standard across the board; every woman is different. Each has her preferences, needs, and responses to sexual relationships. Intimacy may look different to each of these women, too. You’re going to have a harder time learning to develop intimacy with inconsistent partners.
Expectations
Expectations are the root of many of life’s troubles. People feel let down when they develop expectations of another person that end up unmet. The longer you spend with someone in a committed relationship, the easier it will be to develop healthy expectations of that person. You have a general idea of who they are, how they behave, and what each of you needs.
When you’re not in a committed relationship, though, expectations are harder to manage. You may only want consistent sex while her expectations are more along the lines of going on fun dates. Misaligned expectations can lead to some uncomfortable conversations. If you don’t have the skills to navigate these conversations yet, you’re far more likely to medicate that discomfort with porn or masturbation.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
The best way for you to have sex outside of a committed relationship is to first learn about yourself and your needs. You must understand what it is you want from a casual partner so you can communicate those needs effectively. If you’re not able to determine what they are or you have a hard time setting and maintaining those boundaries, it’s better to focus on yourself for the time being.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I think it’s great to get that out of your system before settling down with a long-term partner. Once you know where your boundaries lie and how to share those boundaries with your potential partners, then you’re more ready for some uncommitted, enjoyable, casual partnerships.
What does your “normal” relationship with porn look like?
For most men who arrive at the porn addiction recovery program, their normal relationship with porn looks like periods of “sobriety” followed by slips and relapses. These slips are accompanied by a loss of clarity and focus, as well as feelings of guilt, shame, and uncertainty. The repetitive process continues to drive self-esteem further into the ground.
However, many of the brothers who participate in the Porn Reboot program experience periods where they do not slip. They enjoy these times when there are no relapses back into watching porn or acting out sexually. These brothers notice something different about their quality of life, often feeling more at peace as they move smoothly through their days.
I want 2022 to be the year you shift what your normal relationship with porn looks like. I want you to move away from the cycle of sobriety and slips. I want your porn addiction problems to become a thing of the past. I want you to build a life that is so incredible you couldn’t ever imagine opening up another browser tab again.
Men view moments when they aren’t engaging in problematic sexual behavior in one of two ways. The first way is looking at it with what I refer to as “big deal” energy. You make a massive deal out of the amount of time it’s been since you last viewed porn, masturbated, had sex, or whatever your preference is. It feels like an incredible feat that you haven’t acted out.
But here’s the thing: while it’s great you’ve stayed away from porn or learned how to stop porn addiction, your preferred behavior for a while, making a big deal out of it will only keep you from staying away from it. You make it harder to stick with your commitment when you make it too big of a deal.
Instead, I want you to shift from “big deal” energy into “of course” energy. You want to view your behavior-free time as the way things should be. Of course this is happening to you because it’s the way your life is supposed to be. This change in perspective comes naturally through the hard work and belief in yourself that develops during your reboot.
Sure, you’re going to experience surges of excitement when you realize your life is changing. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing this important change but you don’t need to hold onto this adrenaline rush. Experience it and then let it pass as you move forward with your progress.
Express Gratitude for the Little Things
Porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior strip you of your ability to appreciate the small things in life. You’re so consumed by out-of-control behavior that you have no time to “stop and smell the roses,” if you will. Your whole world shrinks down and life becomes painfully small.
As you learn to control your behavior, life opens up again. You’re given another chance to experience and appreciate all that life has to offer. There are so many aspects of life that you spent years ignoring; take the time to recognize them now. Expressing gratitude for the things that seem small is an important part of normalizing being porn-free.
Additionally, expressing gratitude adds immense value to these seemingly small things. The more you work on your reboot, the more you realize how many things you took for granted. From your job to your family, your health to your housing, there are countless things that you may have overlooked in the past that you can now express gratitude for.
Gratitude also serves as a counter to “big deal” energy. You can feel grateful for the times you sit through difficult urges, for the strength you’re developing, for your refusal to give in to the struggles of the withdrawal process. Expressing gratitude keeps you humble and encourages you to continue doing the work it takes to achieve these new experiences.
Surround Yourself with Like-Minded Men
No man survives on an island. The same applies to your reboot. Trying to overcome your out-of-control behavior alone may work for a short period but it’s not a long-term strategy. Implementing changes that lead to lasting control of your behavior requires support from men who are working to overcome their behavior, too.
You must surround yourself with a community of men who also view their reboot with “of course” energy. You want to be around men who experience urges and overcome them. You want to be around men who are working on their coping strategies. You want to be around men who fully believe they have better things to do than sit around and watch porn.
Today I surround myself with a community of men who operate with the same energy as I do. They’re dedicated to controlling their sexual behavior. They are top performers in their careers or run successful businesses. Most of these men no longer partake in drinking or drugs. It’s a group of strong, like-minded men who reinforce the “of course” energy I live by.
Commit to a System
Significant life changes don’t happen by accident. They aren’t the result of random occurrences. They happen when you take consistent, dedicated, intentional action. This usually means employing a system in your life. Committing to a system is the best way to maintain all of these changes and normalize being porn-free in 2022.
You’re not going to control your behavior on a whim. It’s not going to happen randomly. You need something that will offer guaranteed results when you follow the outlined path. That’s why finding a system that works is so critical to your success.
I’ve talked about the importance of implementing a system before. A system is a set of actions that produce predictable, reliable, and accurate results time after time. That’s exactly what the Porn Reboot program is. It’s a predetermined path you can follow that leads to lasting changes in your behavior with pornography and masturbation.
Following the Porn Reboot system is a guaranteed way to develop “of course” energy, learn to express gratitude, and surround yourself with like-minded men. All of these aspects are ways you will normalize being porn-free in 2022. Give yourself the opportunity to change your life. Join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and get started today!
If you’ve read our blog for a while you’ll know this isn’t the first time I’ve written about the stages of the Porn Reboot system.
I like to cover the topic often, because it’s something that men ask a lot of questions about. Many brothers want to know which stage of their reboot they’re in and when they pass from one stage to the next.
We’ve had some changes in the system since I last wrote about the Porn Reboot stages so it’s time for an update. A few days ago I wrote about the first three stages of the porn addiction counseling – Porn Reboot system. Today I’m going to write about Stage Four and Stage Five.
Stage Three: Middle Reboot
You reach Stage Three once you’ve committed to the process of long-term rebooting. You’re starting to overcome the lack of motivation, distraction, negativity, and impatience that arose when you first experienced withdrawals. You may not notice any immediate results but are willing to stick with the system for the long run.
Porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior shrink your life down to a very small, isolated existence. You’re not as concerned with things like going to the gym, having an active social life, or connecting with your spirituality. You neglect and abandon these different areas of your life as your compulsive behaviors take over.
Now that the Pre-Reboot and Early Reboot stages set your healthy habits firmly in place you can shift your attention to your lifestyle. You can focus most of your time and energy on your mindset and behaviors. Stage Three is when you start to build these forgotten but crucial areas of your life back up.
The Middle Reboot stage is also when you begin to develop a new identity. Since you’re not as consumed by porn addiction problems and masturbation, you have time to engage in activities that you enjoy. You no longer see yourself as hopeless or too far gone; you finally see that you have a chance to eliminate and overcome your compulsive behavior.
Skills you need to develop during Stage Three include increased awareness and not taking your reboot for granted. The second one is especially important because you’re starting to make progress now that you’re maintaining a consistent routine. This progress may lead you to believe that you can let off the gas a bit, but doing so will put you in the headspace for a relapse.
One of the significant dangers at this stage of your reboot is the feeling of being stuck. At this point some men find themselves overwhelmed with guilt that keeps them from taking further action. The guilt stems from remembering the things they have done, behaviors they engaged in, or people they have hurt.
The overwhelming guilt is something that most men experience at one point or another during Stage Three. If you experience it during the Middle Reboot stage you’re far from alone. This is why it’s so important to have a guide that’s been through the process before you. You have someone who can walk you through these challenging emotions that begin to arise.
Another danger of Stage Three is finding yourself distracted by other self-improvement strategies. Now that you’re no longer acting out you may feel the need to look in other areas for additional paths to improvement. While there’s nothing wrong with finding complementary approaches, you want to make sure that nothing takes precedence over your reboot.
Stage Four: Late Reboot
One of the major parts of Stage Four is addressing and working through the problems that brought you to porn addiction recovery in the first place. Stages One through Three keep most of the focus on you from overcoming your behavior to setting your new habits firmly in place.
The Late Reboot stage is when you can begin to tackle these external circumstances. Maybe you’re a man who is separated from your wife because of your behavior. You might not have the right to see your children because of your behavior. Perhaps you’re a single guy who’s avoided dating due to your porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
Whatever your particular circumstances are, Stage Four is when we start working through these. Part of this process involves changing your self-image and learning to develop true intimacy. You’ll only develop stronger relationships with healthy intimacy once you feel comfortable with yourself.
The skills you’ll build during the Late Reboot stage are self-trust, relationship skills, learning to live with pain, and asking people to meet your needs. Most men in the program never learned how to do these things because we shied away from the discomfort and sunk into our compulsive behaviors to self-medicate. However, each of these is a critical component of establishing strong relationships with people in your life.
Dangers of Stage Four include the fear of venturing into the unknown. You’re in situations that you’ve either never experienced or haven’t been in in years. You will feel worried about making a mistake or making the wrong decisions. This is a normal part of the process but allowing these fears and worries to completely consume you puts you at the risk of a relapse.
Another danger of this stage is the belief that you have no control over your life. Stages One through Three were about setting new habits in place. Now that you operate in the confines of these new routines, you’ll find there are certain things you can’t do anymore. Recognize that things like staying out late, binge drinking, or sleeping in aren’t the most conducive activities to building the life you want. You might slip if you allow resentment to take over instead.
The biggest danger of the Late Reboot stage is letting your attention stray from your reboot. Everything you’ve done up to this point, your routine, learning skills, and building reboot capital, all of it is necessary to be successful. If you neglect to keep working on these things, relapse is inevitable. No matter what happens in your life, keep your reboot the primary focus and everything else will work itself out.
Stage Five: Maintenance Stage
Stage Five is the Maintenance Stage. At this point your routine is in place, you’ve developed the skills you need, your relationships are stronger than ever before. You’ve built up a good amount of reboot capital, feel better about yourself, and are in the process of mending the situations that brought you to your breaking point.
Your focus during the Maintenance State is fixing the long-term neurological damage caused by your porn addiction and compulsive behavior. This is the stage where the true rewiring of your brain takes place. You’re removing old thought patterns that took years to establish and replacing them with newer, healthier patterns.
The goals in the Maintenance Stage are further growth and development. This is where you learn how to sustain your emotional control. When you deal with highly stressful situations that most normal people would crack under, you’re reaching a point where they no longer phase you.
You’ll come up against situations that you would have medicated with porn and masturbation in the past but realize that you don’t even consider these behaviors an option anymore. Pornography isn’t something you think of using to combat discomfort; you’ve learned to face and handle situations without hiding.
Stage Five is when you begin experiencing long periods of happiness, joy, and contentment that last. This is an important distinction: you’re no longer chasing short stints of false happiness through dopamine release; you’re now in a place where happiness is your state of being.
Sure, life will still happen. You’re going to have moments where you’re upset or angry, but these feelings are temporary now. They don’t consume you the way they used to in the past. You return to your state of contentment and peace without needing to act out on your compulsive behavior.
Overconfidence and complacency are the two most dangerous threats to Stage Five. While you no longer necessarily need the Porn Recovery Program once you’re at this stage, taking it easy is not an option. Being in the Maintenance Stage doesn’t mean you’re “healed” or “cured.” It means exactly what it says, that you need to maintain your success through continued action.
Overconfidence will have you thinking that you’ve got this, that maybe you were making a big deal out of nothing. You might convince yourself that you can go back to your old stomping grounds or spend time with buddies from before. Getting into this mindset is a slippery slope that will put you on a path to relapse faster than you realize.
There is never a time where you’ll be able to watch porn “normally”, brother. Even when you’re in the Maintenance Stage and no longer need the Porn Reboot program, you must remember what brought you to this program in the first place. You were crushed by a crisis you couldn’t overcome alone. Don’t take yourself back to that space. Stay the course and continue forward in this beautiful life that you’ve built back up.
Finding Support at Every Stage
The Porn Reboot program consists of two groups: the paid intensive group and the free Facebook group. If you’re new to the porn addiction recovery program and wondering whether the intensive is right for you, come check us out on Facebook. We’re a strong group of men in varying stages of our reboots and ready to offer support wherever you might be in yours.
You never need to handle your reboot alone, brother. Join us and find yourself immediately surrounded by a group of brothers who understand your struggle and are actively working to overcome their behaviors. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in Stage One or Stage Five; there’s a place for you among us.
A common misconception I see men believing in is the idea that good education, good looks, and solid spirituality implies a healthy relationship with money, power, or sexual behavior.
I’m here to tell you, brother, that oftentimes this is not the case. Society tends to operate under the assumption that success comes to those with a combination of good looks, intelligence, and good morals.
Simply put, many of us define success as access to money, power, and sex. Whether you’re upfront about it or not, this combination tends to be the driving force for the majority of men in the Porn Reboot program as well as most of society at large.
Oftentimes people hide these three main desires behind the term “freedom.” They want the freedom to live by their terms, to spend as much time with their family as they want to, to be free from worries about things like finances and health, and so on.
In their pursuit of freedom, men go to school, build up their skills, take care of their bodies, learn to carry themselves well, associate with the right people, establish a place in their church, and more. Working toward all of these things is a positive thing to do. They’re chasing after success and working to become the best possible versions of themselves.
Ultimately, though, what these men hope for after achieving their definition of success is the freedom to purchase any material item they want, to influence or control situations to their advantage, or to fulfill their deepest sexual fantasies with whomever they please. This again boils down to the desire for money, power, and sex.
If you’re honest with yourself this description probably applies to you, too. There’s nothing wrong with the pursuit of these things, though, brother. They’re natural desires and something that everyone in the world works for. But it doesn’t matter how much you achieve if you cannot build a good relationship with these things once you have them.
Again, the idea that men who have these things have a good relationship with them is a misconception. There are plenty of men who have millions of dollars but squander their wealth, men who have more power than you can imagine but use it to cause harm, and men who have their choice of whatever woman they could want but go about their conquests in an abusive way.
Good relationships with money, power, and sex are skills that must be developed. They aren’t necessarily an inherent part of us. Unfortunately, society doesn’t often teach us how to build good relationships with these things. Too often we take our pursuit of them to the extreme.
Our parents, mentors, and teachers told us we need to be smart, knowledgeable, moral, and spiritual. We must follow all of society’s rules. They said that if we adhered to all of these then good things would happen to us. We would find the right woman, have access to sex, experience marital bliss, and have financial prosperity.
But they didn’t teach us the most important part: understanding how money works and what a good relationship with it looks like; understanding power and how it should be wielded; and understanding the truth about our natural sexuality. These are things that weren’t spoken about and it fell on us to develop an understanding for ourselves.
How often have you seen celebrities, politicians, athletes, high standing religious individuals, famous pastors, or people with great intelligence, incredible beauty, or good character lose everything to money, power, or sex? They pursued these things to an extreme and ended up failing because of it.
You may have secretly or even openly judged them but are you honestly any different?
I know I’m not.
As you know, I fell prey to my sexual behavior for many years. Fortunately, during my mid-twenties I developed a system to help me control it. That system was the early beginnings of the porn addiction recovery system that’s still in use today. It changed my entire life and helped me eliminate the control that porn addiction effect had over my life.
Despite this newfound control over my sexual behavior, I still struggled in other areas. I made a decent amount of money in my sales position but squandered it due to my lack of financial understanding. I was a poor leader at the company I worked for, burning many bridges by letting my imagined power get to my head.
While I had learned to control my problem with porn and masturbation, I didn’t have a good relationship with money or power. I had to develop an understanding of what positive demonstrations of these things looked like before I could build a healthy relationship with them like I had with sex.
So now I ask you, brother, how is your relationship with sex going? If it were perfect you wouldn’t be here reading this blog. You’re likely struggling to control your behavior and now realizing that its impact on your life is getting worse.
Or maybe you’re like me at the beginning where you have gained control over your sexual behavior but now you’re struggling with your spending habits or lashing out at your subordinates in the office. You have one part of the equation solved but there are still two more sides to the triangle that you need to even out.
But here’s the thing: eliminating your behavior with porn and masturbation removes a significant roadblock. Men who struggle with porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior cannot develop healthy relationships with money or power, either. Once you control the sexual part of the equation you free yourself up to control the other two aspects.
The skills of managing money, power, and sex are not innate for some men, brother, but the ability to learn them is out there. It’s up to you to take responsibility for learning how to build healthy relationships with these things for yourself.
They can be a helpful way to keep you off of and away from sites that you know will send you right back to relapsing. You can use them to block the websites you usually use to watch porn and are useful for some people.
On the other hand, porn filters are also easy to get around. There are so many sites that contain pornographic content that you couldn’t possibly filter all of them out. And I also see far too many men put the responsibility for their recovery on these filters. If the filter fails they blame it for their relapse instead of looking at their behavior.
Are porn filters reliable or are they a waste of time? Is placing that power into the hands of a computer program the right way to approach your reboot?
If you’re serious about ending your behavior with pornography, porn filters only act as a band-aid over the real problem. Most men in the Porn Reboot program are past the point where it’s about pornography; it’s about the rush of feel-good chemicals released by the entire process of their compulsive behavior.
Slapping a porn filter on your web browser isn’t a long-term solution. It may keep you away from porn for a few days or a few weeks but it’s not going to keep you away for months or years. Staying off of porn requires a shift in your entire mindset and lifestyle, not just a computer program that blocks you from “bad sites.”
If you truly want to control your out-of-control behavior, you’ll do the work it takes to overcome your problem. Things like NoFap and semen retention are the same type of approach. Sure, they solve the porn problem for a short period but they don’t address what your problem actually is. They won’t lead to any lasting change.
There’s nothing wrong with using a filter in the beginning stages of your reboot when you’re still learning to control your behavior. They can be a great tool to keep you away from those tempting sites. But they can’t be the first and last line of defense against your pornography addiction. If you have a serious porn problem then they will not make any long-term difference.
However, if you use them as part of a comprehensive approach to ending your behavior with porn and masturbation, then you’re using them for the right reasons. Porn filters aren’t a waste of time when you know they aren’t the true solution to your problem. If you’re going to install a porn filter and think that’s the end of things, then they’re not worth it for you.
“Oh my God, J.K., it’s so hard to quit. The urges are overwhelming and won’t go away. The withdrawals are unbearable and it’s been like this for days.”
Here’s what I have to say to that, brother.
So what?
Yeah, it’s hard. I’m not going to make light of it. It’s not easy to quit porn. You’ve spent your entire life giving in to the urges every time they come up because you can’t handle sitting with the pain and discomfort it takes to overcome them.
It’s not just that way for you, brother. It’s difficult for everyone who struggles with porn addiction problems. The truth is, no one can make it any less hard. You can complain all you’d like but you’re only going to make it more difficult for yourself.
You can’t go through life without pain. It’s impossible. Difficult experiences are an inevitable part of the human condition. You can’t avoid them no matter what you do.
When you’re in the beginning stages of your reboot, the truth of this is impossible to hide from. You’re finally starting to realize that you’ve spent your entire life medicating with porn and masturbation. You don’t know how to handle challenges when they arise. You can’t sit with these feelings because you’ve never had the strength to do so before.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn.
That’s what the Porn Reboot system is here to do. It’s here to equip you with the tools you need to work through the discomfort. You become part of a group that understands exactly what you’re going through. We’re here to prop you up when you need it and support you during the tough times. But none of the support we offer can match the inner strength you’ll build using the system.
If you only focus on the difficulty you’re making things much harder than they need to be. Instead, focus on developing the skills that will help you overcome your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. You’re going to build up the different areas of your life you’ve spent months and years neglecting.
Sure, it’s not an easy process. You may even slip up from time to time in the beginning. But instead of slipping and giving up, you’re surrounded by people who will encourage you to get right back on the path. You’ll feel encouraged by the brotherhood instead of beaten down by your behavior for the first time in your life.
When you throw yourself fully into rebooting, you stop thinking so much about how hard it is to quit porn. You have a new goal to focus on now. You’ll continue applying the right strategies, making changes to your environment, and learning how to manage your emotions. You begin to notice areas that are lacking and work on them without any external influence. And this will happen before you even realize it.
Again, I know it isn’t easy, brother. I never promised you it would be easy. Rebooting is a long, difficult process. The thing I can promise you, though, is that it’s worth it. Every difficult day, each challenge that comes up, all the things you get through, they’re going to be worth it in the end. When you look back and realize you overcame your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, the arduous journey will be worth every step it took.
One of our brothers brought a great question to the group recently.
“Part of my desire to look at porn has to do with the fact that I still want to have sex with other women even though I’m in a relationship. I act out to give me that experience without ‘cheating.’ How do I reframe this mindset to have the right perspective about having a healthy porn-free sex life?”
First of all, wanting to have sex with multiple women is natural. Whether that’s a “good” or “bad” thing depends on you, your values, and what you were raised to do. Plenty of men enjoy a fun, hookup-filled youth. They slept with many different women and made the most of it during the times they could.
Having these sexual experiences is crucial early on, before choosing to settle down with a partner. I think that we can all agree that being in a committed relationship does mean that having multiple partners is out of the question.
Some men choose to get married early and never have a hookup phase. They found a woman they love and care about but sacrificed the opportunity to have a range of sexual experiences. After a decade or two, though, I find that some of these men regret never giving themselves that chance.
This brother admits that part of the reason he views porn addiction problems is to keep him loyal to his partner. He suppresses the biological urge to sleep with a variety of women by watching things play out on a screen. While I think that’s an important realization to come to, it doesn’t work for men who deal with compulsive sexual behavior.
Committed relationships make our lives easier as civilized human beings. It relieves us of the time-consuming biological aspect of jealousy. This frees you up to focus on other important aspects of your life such as caring for your family and performing well at work. It also increases the vital sense of intimacy between you and your partner.
Pornography robs you of your ability to be intimate with your partner. Sure, you may have sex. You might even have a lot of sex. But sex doesn’t necessarily equate to intimacy. Watching hours and hours of porn caters to your most primal desires and strips away all intimacy, one of the most important aspects of human relationships.
Although it’s natural to want to sleep with many different women, you’ve decided to commit to the woman you’re in a relationship with. Millions of men over the years have found a way to be in committed relationships and remain monogamous which means you can do the same.
Feeling attraction for other women isn’t a reason to act out on your compulsive behavior. It’s not ran excuse to continue watching porn. You can’t justify the detrimental effects that your behavior has by saying it keeps you from stepping out on the relationship. There are plenty of more fulfilling ways to live your life that don’t involve cheating on your partner.
If this is something you’re actively struggling with, I invite you to join us in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. There are tons of men in there who understand exactly what you’re going through and can likely share a story or two about their own experience. You’re anything but alone in this experience, brother. All you have to do is reach out for help.
I’ve spoken and written extensively about the importance of recognizing your limiting beliefs.
These are the things you tell yourself and that you fully believe, things like, “I am hopeless,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not worthy of love,” or “I’m never going to be able to fully recover from my porn addiction.”
A belief is a small idea that either enables you to do something or holds you back from doing something. They are the inner model you use to interact with the world around you. Your beliefs are the framework within which you operate.
Your beliefs determine where you go, the direction you move, and the pace at which you progress. They affect who you are, who you become, and how you bridge the gap between these spaces. If you want to progress in the world you need to continuously recognize, assess, and adjust these beliefs you carry.
What Limiting Beliefs Look Like
Three of the most common limiting beliefs I see in the men I work with are hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. These three beliefs are key reasons why men hold themselves back when they are trying to reboot.
Hopelessness is the belief that you cannot achieve whatever goal it is you have in mind. You don’t believe in yourself enough to trust that what you want to do is possible for you. On the other hand, when you believe in your skills and resources and trust that you’re capable of achieving your goals, you feel hopeful.
Helplessness is the idea that while you know something may be possible for someone else, you don’t believe it’s possible for you. You don’t trust that you have the skills or knowledge to accomplish what it is you want to do. But when you trust yourself and your abilities, you feel empowered.
Worthlessness is based on the idea that you aren’t good enough for or don’t deserve the things you want in life. If you believe you are worthless then you will not take the action necessary to make drastic changes. However, when you recognize your inherent worth as a person, you’ll find yourself willing to do what it takes to change your life.
How Beliefs Work
Think of your belief system as a massive filter for your attention. The beliefs you hold are the filter for everything that happens in your life. Your brain needs an easy way to interpret all the things going on around you and your belief system makes it easier to process.
Your mind always interprets any incoming information or feedback in a way that supports your existing beliefs. If you have limiting beliefs, your mind will pick up on things that further instill this negative view of yourself. But if you have empowering beliefs, your mind will find evidence that supports this more positive, useful frame of mind.
When you operate with limiting beliefs you’re going to overlook any evidence that suggests you’re a good person with positive traits. It’s easier to toss out feedback or information that doesn’t support your view of yourself as hopeless, helpless, worthless, or whatever other limiting beliefs you may have.
When you’re filled with empowering beliefs about yourself, you’re equipped with a much more effective filter. You not only accept the evidence that you’re a good person worthy of good things, but you’re also willing to recognize where you fall short and work on bettering yourself in those areas.
Limiting Beliefs in My Life
I have plenty of experience with limiting beliefs, especially before I learned to control my behavior with porn addiction problems and masturbation. For example, I would see someone doing well financially and it ran through my negative belief filtering system. I’d tell myself I couldn’t get where they were because I wasn’t as smart and couldn’t focus as well as they could.
This limiting belief held me back for years because I thought I didn’t have what it took to accomplish what these men had accomplished. I didn’t recognize my strengths because these negative beliefs kept me trapped. They left me incapable of taking the necessary steps to help myself and move forward.
It wasn’t until I began working with mentors who pointed out this negative filtration system I operated with. I remember one specific turning point when one of my mentors called me out and said:
“Hey, the reason you can’t accomplish what you want to do isn’t that you’re incapable, J.K., it’s because you have this inaccurate, harmful filter that everything passes through. When it comes to money, when it comes to willpower, when it comes to discipline, all these things pass through that filter that tells you you can’t do it. We need to get rid of it.”
It felt like someone finally handed me the keys to freedom that I spent years searching for. While I didn’t overcome all of my limiting beliefs at once, it set me on the right path that helped me work through them over time.
Why Beliefs Matter in Your Reboot
So why are beliefs important to men like you specifically? What makes it urgent and important to pay attention to your beliefs as you start the porn addiction recovery process?
Oftentimes men in the Porn Reboot system come in with limiting beliefs they’ve carried around for years. They never take time to question them, though. Instead, they push forward and drive themselves further into the ruts their negative belief system lands them in.
You’re going to have a hard time moving forward and making progress in your reboot if you never take time to recognize your limiting beliefs. You have heard the idea that beliefs can move mountains, right? The power of beliefs runs deep and you’ll be amazed at the things you can accomplish when you overcome your limiting beliefs.
When you come in with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness, ending your out-of-control behavior will feel impossible. After trying and failing to control your behavior for years, these beliefs will be deeply ingrained in your mind. Until you challenge this negative filtration system, you’ll remain stuck in your prison of limiting beliefs.
Thankfully, the Porn Reboot program offers a solution to your limiting beliefs. We help you understand the precise thoughts holding you back and take action to overcome them. The Porn Reboot Facebook group is filled with men who were once held back by their limiting beliefs. These men now live beautiful, fulfilling, enriching lives free from the control of their porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior.
Still not sure whether you’re capable of overcoming your problem with porn and masturbation? Reach out in the group today – I guarantee you’ll find yourself surrounded by understanding, support, and guidance to get you out of your way.
