As I promised you last week, this is the next part in a series on the stages of the Porn Reboot system.
I’m breaking down each stage down into separate blog posts over the next few days. Consider it a quick summary of the Porn Reboot program to help kickstart or refresh your reboot. You can find the other parts here:
Once you’re through Stages 1, 2, and 3, the basics are in place and you’ve created a solid routine for yourself throughout the week. Now it’s time to dig a little bit deeper. I like to think of Stage 4 as the late stage of the Porn Reboot system. During this stage, we identify, resolve, and stabilize any life issues related to your porn, sex, or masturbation problem.
The Keys to Success for Stage 4
Once you’re at the point where you’ve created the right habits and built up a successful lifestyle, you start noticing other areas of your life that might have atrophied off to the side. These are things like your social life, your dating life, or your financial situation. Repairing these aspects will reduce stress and help you build a more well-rounded life.
What is the best way for you to address these underlying concerns?
Learn From People Who Solved The Problem
When it comes to fixing other areas of your life, my philosophy is that you should take the quickest route possible. I believe this means finding individuals who have already taken care of the problem you’re struggling with. You want to consult people who have faced it and successfully overcome it. Most importantly, though, they need to know how to teach you how to overcome it, too.
I’m not just talking about your reboot. I’m talking about your relationships, your finances, your fitness. Find an expert in the area you’re having a hard time with and seek their guidance. You can find a coach for just about anything today and there are plenty of qualified individuals who are available to help.
I know a lot of men shy away from this. There’s a belief that if you ask somebody for help, then you’re either weak or you’re needy. Or that if you seek help from somebody who helps you kind of bypass the obstacles then it’s somehow cheating yourself out of the process. But these false ideas couldn’t be further from the truth.
Why would you waste time fumbling when you can learn from someone who’s been through it before? You want to work smarter, not harder. These individuals have seen the movie before and are going to help you accomplish your goals while avoiding unnecessary pitfalls. They’re the perfect resource that can help get you to where you want to be.
I’ve shared before about my experience with mentors. I’ve worked with many different mentors over the years who each helped me with a specific area I struggled in. They helped me save time and avoid making mistakes that they made in the past. As long as I remained teachable and coachable, their input has made a ton of difference in my life.
Begin the Process of Your Personality Change
As you’re changing your self-image, your personality is going to follow suit. Some people might push back but there is nothing wrong with this at all. A lot of men are very attached to their personalities at first. As a recovering porn addict, though, you’re quickly going to realize that certain personality traits are no longer beneficial to carry with you moving forward.
The goal here is to create a positive change in your personality. This doesn’t mean your entire personality will change, just certain traits. You’re going to leave behind the parts that are no longer serving you and adopt better alternatives. Like developing your identity, your personality shift will continue throughout the later stages of your reboot, too.
Start Developing Healthy Relationships
Your personality change comes about as you learn to trust yourself. Along with this comes the ability to start developing healthy relationships. You’re recognizing how relationships work, from platonic friendships to romantic partnerships.
For example, you’ll learn to develop healthy intimacy with women, something you’ve likely struggled with for years. You may have started this process during one of the earlier stages but the later stages of your reboot are when you start to hit your stride.
At this point, you have control over your sexual behavior and have started working through your unresolved issues. You have a stronger sense of self-esteem, more self-confidence, and your reboot capital is higher than ever. Your relationships are no longer based on a sense of groveling or neediness; you enter relationships with a level of comfortability with yourself.
Learn How to Express Your Feelings
Pornography and masturbation served as a tool for you to avoid your feelings for years. Now that you’ve removed that tool, your feelings have returned and you’re learning how to handle them. It’s an uncomfortable but necessary part of the process of overcoming your porn and masturbation problem.
Stage 4 is when you start working on being vulnerable, open, and honest in your relationships in ways you never were before. It’s an ongoing process like many other parts of the Porn Reboot system. You’re not going to be forthcoming with your feelings all at once right away, but you’ll learn to shed those unnecessary layers one at a time.
Leaning In To Taking Risks
Another part of Stage 4 learning how to take risks. Now, I’m not talking about the same type of risks you would take when you were acting out in your compulsive behaviors. I mean taking emotional risks. I’m talking about the risk of being hurt by being vulnerable, by expressing your feelings.
Another one of these risks is the loss of traditional structure in your life. You became used to doing the same thing year after year, trapped in a negative, downward spiral of addiction. You’re now moving away from that old structure, those past patterns that no longer work for you.
Once you’re at Stage 4, you’re taking more risks and stripping away these unhelpful parts of the old structure. You have to change the structure of your life to make room for the new approaches. You’re interacting with friends differently, being more engaged with your partner, trying new activities, experiencing things you wouldn’t have before. This might feel like a risk at first but the longer you sit in that uncomfortable space, the more open your life becomes.
After you’ve made your way through these benchmarks, you’re finally approaching the final stage of your reboot: Stage 5.
