Today’s topic comes from a question one of our brothers posed in the Porn Reboot group.

It’s a potentially taboo topic but I’m thankful he brought it up because it’s a common thing men observe when starting their reboots. He asked:

“I’ve seen how the interracial genre pornography has affected me growing up and objectifying all women, but particularly white women, South American women, and Asian women. It’s confusing to me because I’m in an interracial relationship and I don’t want to believe that my porn use has influenced it. 

“How can I come to terms with this? Are there deeper reasons why I have preferred to watch a black man performing over another race? Or is it simply because I could relate to being a black man myself?”

I’m glad this brother brought up his concerns about how his viewing interracial pornography might have influenced his real-life preferences. And based on the responses he received, he’s not alone in his experience. There are a few points I want to bring up and ways I’m going to address his question.

Experiences Shape Your Preferences

First, your preference for a particular race is influenced by multiple things. Sure, pornography probably plays at least some role but it’s far from the only factor. Your preferences are influenced by your culture and the environment you grew up in. They’re influenced by popular culture like the media, social media, TV, and movies. Sometimes even your religion plays a part.

If you grew up in an area surrounded by people who are the same race as you, you’re likely to end up with someone who looks like you. Statistically and generally speaking, human beings evolved to be attracted to people who look similar to them. This environmental factor is a significant contributor to your preferences.

At the same time, the rise of popular culture over the last few decades has shaped preferences, too. You’re impacted by the movies you watch, the music you listen to, and the media you consume. For example, if you’re a white man who grew watching B.E.T., you might end up preferring Black or Latina women.

Movies and television play a real role in the development of your arousal template. Many of us look at the women we’re with right now and can trace some of her features back to a TV show or movie we grew up watching. The particular women they portrayed likely programmed your arousal template and influenced your specific preferences.

Pornography’s Role in Preferences

Though the movies and TV you watch shape your preferences, there’s a difference between these influences and pornography. Porn is an entirely different beast. Movies involve emotion and intimacy when portraying the women you see on screen. They shoot the scene in a way that highlights the woman’s femininity, or even her sexuality, but still within reason.

Pornography is not about intimacy or emotion at all. There are the flimsy storylines that everyone jokes about, but it’s really about sex and that’s it. When you struggle with pornography addiction, it’s flooding your senses with these over-the-top performances of sexuality and heavily influencing what you look for in real life.

Our brother is rightfully concerned about the role porn has played in his preferences for women. Pornography involves extensive objectification. Then, interracial porn adds the detrimental components of stereotyping and racism. This genre influences the way men look at and fantasize about different races.

Men like us who deal with pornography addiction then bring our porn preferences into our real lives. Men who aren’t prejudiced or racist in their everyday lives find themselves acting out their fantasies when it comes to sex. This creates a lot of guilt and shame and explains exactly what our brother is worried about in his relationship. 

Preferences Aren’t Always Wrong

There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to particular types of people. Nobody has a say in how your arousal template develops. Again, your sexual arousal preferences are shaped by a mix of environment, culture, and media. The issue isn’t with your preferences but with how you express them.

Problems arise for men who haven’t overcome their porn addiction. If you’re still trapped by stereotypical, racist fantasies portrayed in pornography, you’re going to have a skewed perception of your preferences. You’re likely looking for women with whom you can express these negative fantasies rather than a partner with whom you can form a trusting relationship.

Through the responses he received, our brother realized there’s nothing wrong with his interracial relationship. Even if the porn he used to watch played a role, it’s not the deciding factor for why he’s with his partner today. They have a strong connection and loving relationship that’s built on shared interests and direction in life.

If he were treating his partner poorly based on the harmful fantasies portrayed in interracial pornography, it would be a problem. Since he’s overcome his compulsive behavior and pornography addiction, though, his relationship doesn’t stem from that place. His relationship with his girlfriend is a healthy, normal partnership.

Interracial porn may have influenced you at some point but once you overcome your addiction you’ll learn what your true preferences are. As you progress through your reboot, you’ll notice that your preferences may change, too. When your focus shifts from strictly physical to one that is based on intimacy, you develop a better understanding of your true preferences.

Eventually, your focus becomes finding a partner who shares your interests, passions, and values. You shift from caring only about sex to finding someone you can build an intimate connection with. This might sound impossible now but once you control your out-of-control behavior, you’ll find that a healthy relationship with a compatible partner awaits you, too!