Nearly everyone understands what it feels like to be insecure.
Insecurity is one of those common experiences that most human beings share at some point. But a lot of men who enter the Porn Reboot program experience both this regular sense of insecurity coupled with what I call “porn-induced insecurity.”
Men who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, whether it’s watching porn, masturbating, or something else, develop a negative self-image over time. The longer they struggle with this behavior, the deeper their sense of self-loathing and hatred becomes. They never learn to handle their general insecurities then compound them with the shame and guilt that comes with porn addiction.
Oftentimes, men with porn-induced insecurity form the deep-seated idea that they aren’t worthy of love. When you believe you aren’t worthy of love, it becomes very challenging to believe that anyone else should love you. And this makes it almost impossible to trust someone who says they do.
Most men won’t share this dark belief with others but we eventually get to it as we work together. If you want to form true bonds with others, though, you need to overcome your porn-induced insecurity. How can you go about doing this?
My Experience with Porn-Induced Insecurity
I was a shy, introverted kid. My parents thought I was a little bit slow when my sisters came along and they were hailed to be brilliant. They asked, “What’s wrong with JK? He’s not doing that well in school.” It created this sense of not being enough that I eventually started medicating with pornography.
In retrospect, I saw as I went through my reboot that I did have many opportunities to improve myself. When I was a teenager there were plenty of opportunities to be around the right people. But unfortunately the moment I found pornography, I felt I had something way more attractive than hanging out with other people. These people could have helped me shift the way I felt about myself but I didn’t know any better. So I chose porn because it was so addictive.
I started generating a lot of shame when it turned into compulsive behavior, especially when my tastes started to escalate. I started watching these things that weren’t aligned with any of the values I grew up with. My moral fiber started falling apart and I realized I needed to end this behavior. When I found I couldn’t, though, that made the sense of shame even worse.
I was alone and desperately trying to end this behavior but failing over and over again. I thought to myself, “I am someone who watches this horrible stuff but I can’t stop.” So I started believing that I was this terrible person which led to the feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred that feed what I call porn-induced insecurity.
How to Overcome Porn-Induced Insecurity
Address Your Low Self-Esteem
Self-confidence is the way you feel about the things you do. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person.
You might have plenty of self-confidence but still have nearly nonexistent self-esteem. You could be a great businessman with a multi-million dollar business or a top-tier bodybuilder with a perfectly chiseled body but still lack self-esteem.
Addressing your low self-esteem is the first step to overcoming porn-induced insecurity. However, it’s not as easy as deciding you like yourself and moving forward, especially if you struggle with compulsive sexual behavior.
There’s a saying that goes, “Self-esteem comes from esteeming acts.” Porn addiction and other compulsive behaviors are not esteeming acts. As you work through these things, and replace them with positive, healthy behaviors, your self-esteem will follow. It’s a slow process but it’s well worth the effort.
Become Comfortable in Social Situations
You can probably navigate your way around the relationships you’re already in. You’re likely not afraid of being around your employees, colleagues, or peers. You do a great job of handling things at home with your family or while you’re out with friends.
But when it comes to a social situation with someone that’s not familiar, you experience a lot of fear. The moment you meet a stranger and it goes beyond small talk, when there’s a chance you might truly get to know this person, you start feeling afraid. You don’t believe you’re worth others’ time so you’re likely to cut them off before they can get to know you.
Becoming comfortable in social situations takes practice, but it happens over time. The more you work on and develop your reboot skills, the more you’ll have to talk about. The more you have to talk about, the better you’ll do in social situations with strangers. As you become comfortable with yourself, you’ll become comfortable around people you don’t know.
Learn How to Express What You Truly Want
Almost every time I talk with a new man in the group struggling with porn-induced insecurity, he has no idea what he wants. If he does know what he wants, he has no idea how to express it. He doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love or being listened to, so he questions the point of asking for what he wants from the people around him.
Learning to express what you truly want is the ultimate goal of overcoming porn-induced insecurity. It’s difficult to ask for what you want when you’re too busy looking to others for direction and validation. You can’t know what’s good for you if you lack a sense of self. But you’ll feel justified in expressing your needs as you start feeling confident and sure of yourself.
Finding Support in the Porn Reboot Group
The Porn Reboot Facebook group is one of the best places for you to find support on your path to overcoming insecurity. It’s filled with brothers in this struggle who know exactly what you’re dealing with and where you’re coming from.
Some men are new to the journey, men who are well on their way to overcoming insecurity, and men who have handled their self-esteem and now hang around to help others. You shouldn’t have to overcome your insecurities alone; the brotherhood is here to help you. Drop in today and let us know what you’re struggling with, and let us support you as you move forward in your reboot!
