Men in the Porn Reboot program are above-average men.
We don’t settle for less than pursuing the best version of ourselves here in the group. We didn’t leave our out-of-control behaviors behind to remain in that mediocre state. Instead, men in the group build up all areas of their lives to become better men than they ever were before.
Part of being an above-average man means you’re going to be in high-risk relapse situations from time to time. You didn’t learn to control your behavior just to sit at home for the rest of your life, did you? Not at all. You don’t have to live a monk’s life now that you’re leaving pornography and out-of-control sexual behavior behind.
Since you can’t avoid high-risk situations, you need to plan for them ahead of time. You want to be able to go out with your buddies if you’re invited to a bachelor party. You want to be able to go on a date and have a drink or two. You want to be able to crank out long hours on something that you’re passionate about. So how are you going to face these experiences when they come up?
Relationships play a powerful role in helping you avoid high-risk relapse situations. Learning to leverage the power of relationships is an important part of the reboot process. How can you make the most of the relationships in your life?
Identify and remove relationships that cause stress, pressure you to break boundaries, or make you feel negative
Many of the high-risk relapse situations involve other people that you’ve acted out with in the past. This means people who interrupt the things that are a vital part of your reboot. It might mean your buddies who participate in things that don’t align with your new lifestyle. Maybe it’s the woman who you keep on the side and continue flirting with even though you’re in a relationship.
Whatever these high-risk relationships might be, you need to identify them and remove them from your life. They’re only going to drag you down in the long run and leave you more at risk of relapsing. These negative relationships are not with the stress, pressure, and negativity they bring. If you want to avoid acting out, you need to remove these people from your life.
Build up your reboot circle
Leaning on a single person for accountability isn’t good enough. Relying on just one person to support you is not fair to either of you. Sometimes that person isn’t available for you at the moment that you need it. Maybe they’re having a bad day themselves and can’t hold space for you. If you only have one source of support during your reboot it’s not sufficient to avoid relapsing.
You need to build up a reboot circle instead. Your reboot circle is a group of individuals to whom you can reach out for support in your reboot. It’s better to have a group of people available for accountability and support than one single person. Your group should include people who hold you accountable, help you maintain boundaries, and walk by you through difficult times.
Who will you reach out to when you experience strong urges? Who can you rely on to take your calls when you’re in a tough situation? Who will you go to when you have uncomfortable things you need to talk about? Consider each of these things when building your reboot circle.
The men in your reboot circle should understand where you’re coming from so they can support you in the right way. You can include men with a variety of experiences so you have different people to go to for different experiences. Ultimately, your reboot circle should consist of people who you can trust and rely on to be there when you need them and vice versa.
Surround yourself with the right people
Once you have an idea of who you want in your reboot circle, you must ask for their support. I don’t mean a half-hearted informal request for accountability. I mean an assertive, clear request for support and accountability as you move forward in your reboot.
The best way to get commitment from people you’re considering is to ask them directly, “Can I count on you for this?” It develops a strong sense of obligation to one another that you’ll step up and follow through when urges arise.
If approaching men in this manner sounds daunting at the moment, that’s okay. But I want you to sit down and do some writing about that block. Write out what it will take for you to be willing to ask these men to be a part of your circle. List out all the things getting in the way, every excuse that runs through your mind.
“They’re already too busy.”
“I don’t want to obligate them.”
“They’re going to judge me.”
“I’ll feel like I’m just taking from them and not giving anything back.”
Write down every thought that crosses your mind until you’re ready to ask them. As you write your thoughts out, you’ll realize that none of them are as powerful as the risk that relapse poses in your life. If you truly want to avoid high-risk relapse situations, you’ll step up and ask for help. You’ll reach out to men who you trust and request their support in this experience.
One of the best places to find men to support you in your reboot is in the Porn Reboot Facebook group. The group is filled with men who are in various stages of their reboot, from the very beginning days to men who have years free from their behaviors. Feel free to drop in and join us, let us know where you’re at, and ask any questions you may have.
The power of relationships is a critical component of the Porn Reboot process and one you can’t neglect. There are hundreds of men who understand what you’re going through and are ready to help you as they’ve been helped in the past!
