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Navigating Abstinence for Christian Brothers

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Navigating Abstinence for Christian Brothers

Today’s post is for my Christian brothers.

While this is not a Christian system and nor am I a Christian, I do have a lot of Christian clients. I work with men who are ministers, monks, former monks, believers, and even pastors of megachurches. There are plenty of religious men who are part of the Porn Reboot group and I want to help these men today.

A brother asked,

“Hey J.K. I’m a Christian and I want to wait until marriage to have sex because I’m still a virgin and would like to save myself for my spouse. I also believe that masturbation is probably wrong. Is there anything different I should be doing if I plan to have absolute abstinence from all sexual contact before marriage? 

“I’m also worried that my future spouse will have a lower sex drive than me. What is a good way to determine whether she and I will match in sex drive? How important is that overall, anyways? Thanks, brother.”

Again, while I am not a religious person and this is not a religious system, I fully support my Christian brothers. If you’re a Christian man who struggles with porn addiction problems, I understand what an overwhelming thing it can be. I hold no animosity or judgment for my Christian brothers and mean no disrespect to any religion here at Porn Reboot.

I want to break down this important question for you if these are some things you’re having a hard time with, too.

Is Masturbation Wrong?

This gentleman mentioned that masturbation is “probably” wrong. I hear that from a lot of my Christian and Muslim clients. They believe that masturbation is wrong but you can almost always hear the hesitation in their voice when they say this.

Here’s the thing, brother. You either believe in something or you don’t. You cannot believe that something is “probably” right or wrong. If you’re in this position, you “probably” don’t believe that’s the truth. Someone may have implied that it’s wrong, suggested that it’s temptation, or even explicitly told you that it’s wrong, but deep in your heart, you may not believe that.

At the same time, this half-belief creates a deep sense of guilt and shame. Once you’re addicted to porn and can’t control your sexual behavior, you’re left feeling like a sinner, like a weakling, like less of a man. You might believe that you’re going to hell for your actions.

In reality, though, you may not be as awful as you think. Your porn addiction might not be an addiction at all, either. You may be so conditioned by your religious beliefs to see yourself as a sick, compulsive, sexual person but realize after talking with us that your behavior isn’t as compulsive as you originally thought.

Sometimes we’ve even talked with Christian men who believed they had a problem when they showed up to the Porn Reboot group. After spending some time around the group, though, they realize their problem wasn’t as severe as they thought. They’re able to go about their lives with a newfound understanding of masturbation and come to terms with their natural, inherent, biological sexual drive.

Abstinence Before Marriage

Abstinence before marriage is a personal decision for every person. While I never recommend complete abstinence, nor is the Porn Reboot system based around it, I’ll never tell a man what he should do when it comes to his personal beliefs.

I have found that complete abstinence works for some men but not for others. We teach control over your sexual behavior and help you learn to manage your sexual urges. We also teach you how to accept yourself as a sexual being and that means we don’t recommend complete abstinence.

If abstinence is part of your religious convictions, though, you may want to leave these aspects of the Porn Reboot system aside. There’s nothing wrong with abstinence before marriage if that’s the path you choose to take but it will mean leaving behind some parts of the system that don’t align with your personal religious beliefs.

Sexual Repression

The biggest problem I notice among my Christian clients is the shift toward sexual repression. A lot of men who remain abstinent end up in the realm of sexual repression rather than rebooting. They believe that being free from porn and masturbation for a few years means they’ve successfully rebooted, but that might not be the case.

I hear from men with these porn-free years who find they still experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. They haven’t acted out on their behaviors for years but still cannot achieve an erection naturally. Men who are in this position haven’t rebooted, they’ve only repressed themselves sexually.

While having sex isn’t a required part of the Porn Reboot system, we do require that you don’t repress yourself sexually. We need to find out what that looks like for you, especially if you’re choosing to remain completely abstinent until marriage. But when you fall into this space you’re still not fully rebooted and have some more work to do.

Differences in Sex Drive

This is a problem I hear often from men who choose to remain abstinent until marriage. The truth is, there’s no way for you to know what your future wife’s sex drive is like. You’ll never know until the two of you finally have sex. 

At the same time, there’s also no way for you to know what your sex drive is really like either, especially at the start of your reboot. You are dealing with compulsive behavior. You do not know the difference between your actual sex drive and the urges you’re medicating with porn, masturbation, and sex.

You’ll only learn what your natural sex drive is as your brain rewires over time. Men who actively have sex during their reboot can learn about healthy sex sooner than men who choose to remain abstinent. You won’t have the opportunity to engage in any sexual behavior when you choose to remain abstinent, though, so you’ll miss out on finding out what your baseline sex drive is until you’re married. 

Matching Sex Drives

The final part of our brother’s question asked whether matching sex drives is truly important. In my opinion, finding a partner whose sex drive matches yours is imperative. I think when you’re an individual who has successfully rebooted and wants to have a healthy sex life, your partner should want to have sex as frequently as you do.

Admittedly this is a deeper topic that I could expound upon in another post, the basics of it are the same. I do believe that partners should have similar sex drives otherwise this creates even more problems down the line. But if you choose to remain abstinent until marriage, you’ll never know whether you and your partner have matching sex drives until you get married.

Christians and Porn

Ultimately, brother, being a Christian and struggling with porn addiction recovery doesn’t make you a terrible person. I don’t believe it means that you’re going to hell or that you’re beyond saving. I know many Christian men who have overcome their compulsive sexual behavior and become incredible, stand-up members of society.

The choice to remain abstinent until marriage is yours alone. It’s not something that I recommend but I still know men who have been successful in their reboots while remaining abstinent. If you’re looking for some help with similar struggles, come check out the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’re guaranteed to find another man who can share his experience with you and support you along the way, whatever you decide to do.

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The Number One Thing Holding Christian Men Back

Porn Addiction Effect / By
The Number One Thing Holding Christian Men Back

Did you grow up in a Christian household or still consider yourself a Christian today?

I’ve found over the years that men who were raised in a religious household or are still a practicing Christian have trouble ending their out-of-control sexual behavior. It’s not impossible but these men do face a unique challenge.

I was indoctrinated into Christianity at a very early age. I’m not religious anymore but I was raised in a strict Catholic household. This meant praying every evening, saying the rosary, going to Catholic school, and attending mass every Sunday. I developed a very binary view of the world; something was either sinful or it was not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not out to attack Christianity. Just because it doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean that it can’t work for you. There are plenty of Christian brothers in the Porn Reboot program working to end their compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I do believe this gives me some insight into the particular struggles our Christian brothers have.

Christianity holds a very conservative view of sexual behavior and sexuality in general. Growing up I believed that sex was a bad thing because of all the rules surrounding it. I believed that having sexual relations with a woman outside of marriage meant I was doing something very, very wrong. Something sinful.

This concept of sin is a powerful idea and it’s something that leaves my Christian brothers conflicted. It holds them back subconsciously as they start the reboot process. They can accept the scientific parts of their out-of-control behavior but it’s almost impossible for them to let go of the idea that they’ve sinned.

When I was in my 20s I worked as a door-to-door salesman selling books for one of the leading publishers in the world. Our best-selling book was a high-quality study Bible. They included the Greek translations as well as a Latin and Greek dictionary to give readers deeper insight into the texts.

I spent much of my free time reading and studying the Bible during my time at that job. Admittedly, I didn’t study it because I was religious; I studied it because it was the primary product I sold. However, I did enjoy reading the Bible immensely, especially having the Greek translations alongside the verses.

As I read it, I came across the definition of the word sin. Sin is called “harmatia” in Greek, which means a tragic flaw. I’ve carried that definition of sin with me ever since because it makes perfect sense. If sin is a tragic flaw, something we need salvation from, that means sin is part of our nature. It means that we have something within us as men that we cannot outrun, escape, or deny.

This also implies that your compulsive behavior with pornography, sex, and masturbation is part of your intrinsic makeup. This is where my Christian brothers find themselves stuck. They develop the belief that something is inherently wrong with them because of this sinful nature. They believe they aren’t worthy of being loved because they cannot seem to control their sin.

The more I read that study Bible, though, the more I learned. Eventually, I realized that there was an even earlier definition for “harmatia”: to miss the mark. Sin isn’t some inherent tragic flaw in your makeup; it’s simply missing the mark. It’s falling short in some way but it also implies that you have another chance to hit the target.

Your struggle with porn addiction effects, sex, and masturbation doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Your compulsive behavior doesn’t make you a terrible person. Missing the mark doesn’t mean you’ll be a failure forever. It doesn’t mean you can’t change. All it means is that you make mistakes just like every other person in the world. That’s just part of being human.

I understand that Christianity frames the way you view the world. I know that reframing your idea of sin may feel like a challenge to your beliefs. But all I’m suggesting is that you’re no less worthy of love than anyone else because of your out-of-control behavior. You may have missed the mark but now you have the opportunity to take another shot.

The idea that you’re inherently flawed and not worthy of love will hold you back until you challenge it. It’ll keep you from moving forward and finding success in your reboot.  But once you accept that you can maintain your Christian beliefs while also recognizing some of the burdens that your beliefs placed on you, you’ll step closer to freedom from your behavior. 

You’ll find nothing in the porn addiction recovery program that runs contrary to your beliefs; in fact, you’ll likely find yourself capable of building a deeper connection with God once you clear away your out-of-control behavior. Once you overcome this roadblock, your path to a porn-free life and a stronger faith becomes clearer than ever before.

If you’re struggling to balance your Christian beliefs with your reboot, come join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. We have plenty of brothers who are both working through and have overcome their battles with self-loathing brought about by their Christian upbringing. You’ll find plenty of understanding and support to keep you from feeling like you have to struggle alone!

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