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“Help! I’m Attracted To Other Women While Married!”

Porn Addiction Effect / By

One of our brothers brought a great question to the group recently.

“Part of my desire to look at porn has to do with the fact that I still want to have sex with other women even though I’m in a relationship. I act out to give me that experience without ‘cheating.’ How do I reframe this mindset to have the right perspective about having a healthy porn-free sex life?”

First of all, wanting to have sex with multiple women is natural. Whether that’s a “good” or “bad” thing depends on you, your values, and what you were raised to do. Plenty of men enjoy a fun, hookup-filled youth. They slept with many different women and made the most of it during the times they could. 

Having these sexual experiences is crucial early on, before choosing to settle down with a partner. I think that we can all agree that being in a committed relationship does mean that having multiple partners is out of the question. 

Some men choose to get married early and never have a hookup phase. They found a woman they love and care about but sacrificed the opportunity to have a range of sexual experiences. After a decade or two, though, I find that some of these men regret never giving themselves that chance.

This brother admits that part of the reason he views porn addiction problems is to keep him loyal to his partner. He suppresses the biological urge to sleep with a variety of women by watching things play out on a screen. While I think that’s an important realization to come to, it doesn’t work for men who deal with compulsive sexual behavior.

Committed relationships make our lives easier as civilized human beings. It relieves us of the time-consuming biological aspect of jealousy. This frees you up to focus on other important aspects of your life such as caring for your family and performing well at work. It also increases the vital sense of intimacy between you and your partner.

Pornography robs you of your ability to be intimate with your partner. Sure, you may have sex. You might even have a lot of sex. But sex doesn’t necessarily equate to intimacy. Watching hours and hours of porn caters to your most primal desires and strips away all intimacy, one of the most important aspects of human relationships.

Although it’s natural to want to sleep with many different women, you’ve decided to commit to the woman you’re in a relationship with. Millions of men over the years have found a way to be in committed relationships and remain monogamous which means you can do the same.

Feeling attraction for other women isn’t a reason to act out on your compulsive behavior. It’s not ran excuse to continue watching porn. You can’t justify the detrimental effects that your behavior has by saying it keeps you from stepping out on the relationship. There are plenty of more fulfilling ways to live your life that don’t involve cheating on your partner.

If this is something you’re actively struggling with, I invite you to join us in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. There are tons of men in there who understand exactly what you’re going through and can likely share a story or two about their own experience. You’re anything but alone in this experience, brother. All you have to do is reach out for help.

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The Difference Between Porn Addiction and Other Addictions

Porn Addiction Symptoms / By

Today’s topic comes from a few questions brought by a brother to our intensive group.

The Porn Reboot Intensive Group is a group of high-performing men who are serious about controlling their behavior with sex, porn, and masturbation. They aren’t trial rebooters or half-in, half-out – they are dedicated to doing the work required to make a change. 

I don’t often share responses to these questions outside of the Intensive Group. It’s a high-level group for only those who truly want to control their behavior. But this brother’s questions are of real importance to our everyday brothers, too, and I’m choosing to share them with you today.

“In opiate addicts, the brain is flooded with external opiates which stop the brain from producing natural opiates. This is part of what causes the extreme withdrawals that these addicts experience when they try to get clean. 

“Does the same apply to dopamine and porn addiction? Is recovery partly about satisfying the natural chemical deficit until it reaches its original levels? Is this what defines your timeline of up to two years for a successful reboot? And are there different activities that satisfy specific neurotransmitter deficits?”

Substance Addiction vs. Behavioral Addiction

This brother is comparing a substance addiction (opiate addiction) to a behavioral addiction (porn addiction). While the concept is the same, they’re two different forms of addiction which mean withdrawal is a bit different.

With porn addiction, your brain only has access to natural opiates during the moment you orgasm, but that’s it. It releases some other chemicals in the process too, like dopamine and norepinephrine. But you’re more addicted to the process of reaching that point (porn and masturbation) than you are to the climax at the end.

This is why you do things like run multiple tabs, progress in the genres of porn you watch, and even edge for hours. You’re not as concerned with the orgasm as you are with the process that gets you there. Sure, there’s a mild case of chemical deficit like our brother mentioned but the chemical reaction in your brain isn’t what you’re pursuing.

This is what makes porn addiction a behavioral addiction. Rebooting isn’t about overcoming the addiction to dopamine and norepinephrine, it’s about overcoming your addiction to consuming alarming amounts of pornography. An effective reboot involves breaking the relapse cycle and changing the habits, lifestyle, self-image issues that trigger your addiction in the first place.

Two Years to Reboot Success

He also asks about the two-year timeline for the Porn Reboot process. As may already know, it takes about a year and a half to two years for men to successfully rewire their brains. I say successfully rewire the brain because rebooting is about much more than simply quitting porn and controlling masturbation. If you make no changes beyond this you’ll end up relapsing again.

This is another reason porn addiction differs from substance addiction. For some addicts, eliminating the substance eliminates the problem as a whole. For most porn addicts, removing porn is only a small part of the entire equation. It takes a systematic approach to build the resilience and self-efficacy needed to be successful in your reboot.

The two-year timeline is based on my 10 years of experience working with men who struggle with porn addiction symptoms and masturbation. I have a lot of data gathered from every man’s progression through the different stages of the program. I’ve since used that data to inform the two-year timeline I talk about in the Porn Reboot system.

Neurotransmitter Deficits

Our brother’s final question addressed targeting specific neurotransmitter deficits. Again, his question frames things from the perspective of substance addiction instead of behavioral addiction. While you do experience certain deficits in neurotransmitters, that isn’t the main problem we’re focusing on.

At the same time, the porn addiction recovery system does address the habit and lifestyle changes necessary to reboot. We don’t look at it from the standpoint of addressing particular neurotransmitter deficits, though. The changes you make in the Porn Reboot system address the problematic behaviors that lead you to relapse.

Our system encourages you to change your morning routine, exercise regimen, nutrition, supplementation, relationships, behavior with technology, and more. We offer a curriculum and a pathway to make these changes and over time you’ll notice an incredible shift in your mindset and outlook on life.

The Reboot Recovery Difference

The Porn Reboot system asks a lot more of you than traditional approaches to recovery. At the same time, we deliver a lot more than those traditional approaches, too. Eliminating pornography and compulsive sexual behavior is only the start of the process. Recovery from pornography addiction in the Porn Reboot system dives much deeper than that.

If you follow through with the system, though, you’ll undergo a complete change in your view of yourself, your family, your friends, and the world around you. You’ll eventually lose the drive to view pornography because you realize how much better life can be without it. The quality of recovery you develop through the Porn Reboot system is unlike anything you’ve tried before, brother. Join us and experience it for yourself.

 

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Telling Your Wife That You’re Turned On By Other Women

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Telling Your Wife That You’re Turned On By Other Women

Disclaimer: I do not recommend doing this.

However, it came up during a discussion in the Porn Reboot group and I think it’s important to cover it here, too.

One of our brothers said:

“I need some advice. I offended my wife by saying that it’s possible for other women to turn me on. She now thinks that I’m turned on by every woman I see. She says that she would never feel turned on by another man so the fact that I could be by another woman means I’m not committed to the relationship. How would you respond? Am I in the wrong and not committed to the relationship?”

Two things got our brother in trouble here, aside from having that discussion in the first place. First is his out-of-control behavior. Second is the language he used to describe how he feels about the other women.

Saying “turned on” means sexually aroused. And while most men feel sexually aroused by many different women outside of their relationship, overtly explaining that isn’t the best course to take. This is especially true when you struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. You can find yourself turned on by other women you know nothing about because of the porn you watch.

Your partner probably doesn’t find herself sexually aroused by random men, though. The fact that you’re sexually aroused by random women is threatening to her. Whether it’s true or not, she likely feels like she isn’t good enough for you when she hears this.

A better way to approach the conversation (if it needs to be approached at all) is to use more intentional language. Using the phrase “attracted to” is a much more tame and acceptable way to discuss other people outside your relationship if it comes up. Everyone finds people outside their relationship attractive. After all, haven’t you ever heard of the term “hall pass”?

And even if you do find yourself turned on by other women, while it is a natural thing, it’s something you must learn to control. You can’t walk around a slave to your broken biological functioning. You destroyed your normal sexual functioning and rewired your brain to feel sexually aroused by a whole range of different women. Developing sexual control is crucial not only if you want to have a successful relationship but in every other area of your life.

You must learn to interact with women without sexualizing them. This is difficult to do after months or years of compulsive porn addiction problems use but you have to develop the skill. Porn addiction effects teaches you to view women as sexual objects but that’s not how the real world works, brother. You can’t walk around turned on by every single woman you see. 

Finding yourself immediately sexually aroused whenever you see an attractive woman is not what normal, civilized adult men do. Well-adapted men can maintain their composure around women. They don’t break down into mindless, sex-addled animals. You need to develop sexual control if you want to have a successful reboot.

Again, most women in monogamous relationships are aroused by their partner alone. Sure, they may find other men attractive. But they don’t often find themselves interested in being sexually intimate with anyone other than you, their partner.

While you might find yourself aroused by women outside your relationship, there’s no need to express this to your wife. You may be turned on by any even slightly attractive woman but it’s not an effective way to navigate life. 

Instead, you should also take time to develop sexual control and keep yourself from losing your composure around every woman you see. Being successful in our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot is about so much more than simply quitting porn. And learning sexual control is a critical component of the process.

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Porn Addiction Problem: Insecurity Around Other Men

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Porn Addiction Problem: Insecurity Around Other Men

A brother in our group noticed this recently and initiated a great conversation and by the way, he had major porn addiction problems. He said,

“I went to a bachelor party for my cousin not too long ago. When I arrived at the place and saw nothing but brand new BMWs, Benzes, Audis, and all these other luxury cars. There were like 50 of these different cars. Meanwhile, I pulled up in my Honda Civic with a different colored door.

“I saw a ton of guys with loads of money walking in and out of the building so I didn’t walk in. I didn’t even make it past the parking lot. I left because I was so filled with feelings of shame, anxiety, and inferiority. Have you guys ever experienced something like this?”

I appreciate these vulnerable posts because they often express something most of us deal with. You might think you’re alone in feeling a certain way but I can almost guarantee you that at least one other brother in the group relates to what you’re going through.

Feeling insecure around other men is a big problem for guys like us. As you may know, I grew up in poverty and my academic performance was terrible. When I was in my twenties and took my first job in door-to-door sales, I realized it would take many years for me to get those nice things our brother talked about in his post. 

Although I couldn’t immediately acquire these nice external resources, I realized that I could maximize my internal resources and my external physique in the meantime. I developed a dedicated gym routine. I started working on my social skills. I was determined to overcome my crippling anxiety. I knew that honing these skills would make a massive difference as I worked to get some of those nicer things I wanted. 

While these things didn’t get me a nice car or a nice apartment, they did keep me from worrying so much about the station wagon I drove around. I felt strong and confident, less concerned about what others thought of me. That confidence played into how I carried myself, how I integrated with others, and how I felt about myself as a whole.

Here’s the thing, brother: yes, it’s great to drive a nice car. It feels awesome to have a huge house, an expensive watch, designer clothing, and luxurious vacations. I won’t deny that those are all enjoyable things.

But here’s the other thing: if you don’t do any internal work and develop some confidence, none of your external circumstances matter. You could roll up in the most expensive Maserati on the planet but if you don’t know how to carry yourself then you’ll still feel insecure. You might be able to cling to your possessions for some time but they’ll eventually give way and you’ll find yourself feeling inferior again.

I truly believe that you should first focus on developing yourself. Work on your personality, your character, the energy you give out, the way you carry yourself, and your physique. When you focus on developing these things to the highest possible level, the result shines much brighter than even the nicest car you could buy.  Eliminating porn addiction problems along the way.

Of course, there’s also nothing wrong with upgrading your vehicle to one that has four doors that match. But developing yourself allows you to carry yourself with confidence regardless of your circumstances, and that is something that no one can take away from you.

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