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What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life

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What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life

“I’m feeling sad that I missed my hookup phase. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 with the girl I’m still currently with. I’m now about to turn 27. This issue has been weighing on me for a while. I’m starting to realize that porn made me feel like I would still get to have sex with a variety of women. I love my girlfriend very much but there is no getting around the fact that I still want to have sex with other women.

“I feel like I have two options. One, I can accept that she’s the only girl I will ever have sex with and potentially regret that. Or two, I could leave her in favor of living out the hookup phase that I feel like I missed out on, but I may regret that later on. I don’t want to lose her just so I can have casual sex with women that may not even be as great as I imagine.

“Will I be able to make peace with the fact that she’s the only one I will be with, or will I have to accept this unfading feeling of regret? I’m frustrated with myself for not sacking up and being with some women while I was younger, before getting into a serious relationship. Does anyone have any advice?”

This brother brings a great question to the table. It’s something lots of men who get married while young find themselves feeling once they end their out-of-control behavior. If you missed the hookup stage of your life, you likely compensated for it with porn and masturbation. But once you remove these things, you’re faced with the reality of your choices.

Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer this question. Input from some of the brothers in the program may help but you’re the one who must live with your decision for the rest of your life. It’s useful to talk to men in similar situations and hear their experiences. However, no one is exactly like you and you need to choose for yourself.

First, I want to point out that pornography isn’t the reason you want to have sex with many women. Biology is responsible for that. Biologically speaking, you’re wired to spread your genes by fertilizing as many females as possible. Unfortunately, pornography hijacked this natural mechanism and magnified it to an unrealistic point.

Second, this brother mentions that he missed his “hookup phase.” I want to point out that there are brothers in the porn addiction recovery group in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s who are having sex with multiple women. Your “hookup phase” is only over when you decide that it is. Our brother is only 27 – far from missing the window for having casual sex.

Personally, I don’t believe it is wrong to sleep with multiple women as long as you’re not leading anyone astray or being dishonest about your intentions. While some men see casual sex as an empty and unfulfilling engagement, I see it as the exact opposite. I never felt empty after having sex with a woman I wasn’t dating; I felt masculine, powerful, and primal.

I’ve now been in a relationship with a woman for 12 years, though, and have left my casual sex days behind. It’s not because I’m no longer attracted to other women but I was ready for the next season of my life. I made the conscious decision to let go of casual sex in favor of this next phase.

I had some time in my life when I had wild encounters with different women. It was a great time exploring myself through these different experiences. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. But I also reached a point where I was ready to leave those escapades behind because I found a woman who was worth letting go of those casual relationships for.

No one could tell me what the right decision or right timing was. Only I could determine that for myself. Through the porn addiction counseling process, I learned what was true for me and that enabled me to make choices that I feel no regrets about.

I assure you it’s not as late as you think. There isn’t only one woman in the world who is right for you. If you believe you’ll live the rest of your life regretting not engaging with more women, take the risk and experience it. Unless you’re married with kids you likely don’t have much to lose.

If that doesn’t sit well with you, though, then coming to terms with your situation doesn’t have to be filled with regret either. Pour yourself into building a deeper relationship and a stronger sense of intimacy with your partner. It’s likely you haven’t even scratched the surface of what you can develop together.

There is no right or wrong answer to feeling like you missed the hookup phase; there is only the answer that works for your particular situation. Don’t let the opinions or judgments of others get in the way of what you know to be true for you. As you progress in your reboot, the truth will be made clear to you and you’ll know which direction to go.

Until then, brother, you can find support in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can throw yourself into building different areas of your reboot capital. There is so much more to life than sex. You have so many opportunities and experiences awaiting you. Don’t neglect those as you wait for clarity on this one part!

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Managing Anger: Mastering Emotional Reboot Capital

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Managing Anger: Mastering Emotional Reboot Capital

We’re in the middle of a small series on the concept of reboot capital. Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:

Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social

Today I want to continue last week’s post on emotional reboot capital. Getting in touch with your emotions and learning to identify them is one of the greatest challenges of your early reboot.

There is one emotion, in particular, that tends to stand out as men start feeling their feelings again: anger.

Anger is one of the most common emotions in men dealing with out-of-control sexual behavior. Oftentimes therapists will teach men to “let out their anger” as long as they again learn to “manage it.”

Sure, this may be true, but encouraging that early in your reboot is like handing a hand grenade to a child. You have no experience controlling strong emotions. Leaning into an emotion as intense as anger can lead to an explosive and even dangerous outcome.

Anger is a normal experience. You’re not a bad person because you’re walking around feeling angry most of the time. Many men who had no experience with anger issues before find that they feel incredible rage when they first start the reboot process. You’re not to blame for the anger that swells up during the early days of your reboot.

You are, however, responsible for learning to control it. If you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery you must not let your anger control you. It’s one of the most powerful relapse triggers, right after fear, shame, and doubt. Controlling your anger begins with understanding the causes of it and how it works.

Most men use porn and masturbation to suppress anger issues early in life. They pushed this emotion down deep instead of allowing it to run its course. Like all suppressed emotions, the anger comes out tenfold when it’s finally given some space.

Anger is like any other emotion, such as joy. It’s neither good nor bad. What makes anger bad is the poor ways that people tend to handle it. When you use it as an excuse to fly off the handle and end up in a rage, anger is bad. When you add on the internal challenges of guilt, depression, burnout, loneliness, and paranoia, it only adds fuel to the fire.

Some of the main causes of anger include:

Fear
Irrational beliefs
Unrealistic expectations
Uncommunicated needs

Every time you have an expectation that goes unmet or a false belief that you seek proof for, it triggers the anger deep within you. As you progress through your reboot you’ll naturally work through each of these areas. You’ll learn to face your fear. You’ll learn to challenge your irrational beliefs. You’ll learn to drop your unrealistic expectations. You’ll learn to speak up about your needs.

In the meantime, though, incorporating some things can help you avoid and work through anger. You spent years anesthetizing your emotions with porn, sex, and masturbation. Now that you no longer have these “tools”, what can you do instead?

I recommend starting with exercise. Regular exercise is an effective way to free yourself of pent-up frustration through the natural release of endorphins. When you feel that anger rise inside, go for a long walk, lift weights at the gym, shoot some hoops at the basketball court. Find a form of exercise that works for you and implement it – it will make more of a difference than you can imagine.

Next, keep a journal of the things that trigger you. What are the events, situations, people, and circumstances that cause the anger? What are some other feelings that come up during these moments? Writing is a crucial tool to use when learning to work through anger and other emotions, not only at the start of your reboot but throughout it.

Mindfulness meditation is another helpful practice to incorporate when you’re starting to work through your anger. The practice of mindfulness involves being present in the moment and paying attention to what’s going on around you. It also involves not sinking into or dwelling in your feelings. Instead, you observe them and then let them pass by.

Anger is a normal part of life, brother, and learning to live with it will make your porn addiction counseling much more successful. These three practices, exercise, journaling, and mindfulness, are each an antidote to your anger. The more often you incorporate each one, the easier it will be to work through anger when it arises.

However, if you choose not to involve practices to address your anger it will contribute much distress and unhappiness in your life. You leave yourself more at risk of relapse, you’ll treat others poorly, and you’ll continue to struggle. If you want to find freedom from your out-of-control behavior, finding freedom from anger is a vital part of the process.

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Mastering Your Self-Talk: A Reboot Superpower

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Mastering Your Self-Talk: A Reboot Superpower

Today I want to dive into what I consider to be a superpower for many men: self-talk.

You may have heard of the term self-talk in different self-improvement circles but I view it a bit differently. I want to help you understand what it is, the important role it plays, and how you can develop it in your life, not only for rebooting but to help you achieve all your goals.

What is Self-Talk?

Self-talk is your intra-personal communication. It is the way you speak to yourself internally and the story you tell yourself, both of which also contribute to the way you communicate with others. Everybody talks to themselves, it’s a normal thing. Some have a more constant inner dialogue than others but everyone experiences it to some degree.

When you pay attention to your inner dialogue you’ll see that it reflects your thoughts and emotions. It provides a running commentary on everything going on around you, on your hopes for the future, your regrets about the past, and more.

People often think that self-talk is something innate that can’t be changed. It’s part of who you are and is the way that it is. However, I know that’s far from the truth. You have more control over your self-talk than you’d like to admit or believe.

Paying attention to your self-talk helps you get to know yourself in a deeper, more honest way. You discover your thinking patterns and how you react to events outside your control. Once you notice these patterns, it allows you to do something about them.

Dysfunctional vs. Constructive Self-Talk

Some people are programmed for positive self-talk. It doesn’t take much for their headspace to remain upbeat and beneficial as they move through their lives. However, others are prone to negative self-talk. Their inner monologue tends to carry a critical view of the world around them and especially themselves.

This means there are two types of self-talk: constructive and dysfunctional. Dysfunctional self-talk tells a bad story that makes you feel helpless and hopeless. Constructive self-talk makes you feel awesome, like you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

Dysfunctional self-talk is what creates negative feelings. It causes things like anxiety and depression, further instills insecurity, and exacerbates negative emotion. On the other hand, constructive self-talk provides access to all kinds of wonderful emotions. It leaves you feeling happy, confident, and full of optimism.

Getting your self-talk to this constructive space is when it becomes a superpower that makes you unstoppable.

Why is Self-Talk So Important?

Self-talk has a direct impact on how you feel. Negative self-talk makes you feel terrible while positive self-talk makes you feel incredible. This isn’t the only thing that makes it important, though. The interesting thing about self-talk is that it amplifies your perception of experiences.

For example, if you’re stressed out and overwhelmed with negative thoughts, it makes your stressful situation even more stressful. But if you’re filled with positive thoughts, you’ll have an easier time talking yourself through this moment of difficulty, trusting that it won’t last forever.

Ultimately, your self-talk creates a feedback loop. The positivity or negativity of that loop depends on the way you talk to yourself. If your inner dialogue amplifies both negative and positive things, which would you prefer it amplifies?

Learning to Control Self-Talk

You’re not a victim of your inner dialogue. While you may not know how to control it yet, the good thing is you can learn how to. You can incorporate different practices that help you develop an awareness of how you talk to yourself and then change those negative thought patterns.

The first step to controlling your self-talk is to make a conscious effort to pay attention to your thoughts. Do this as you go through your day. Listen to the way your mind reacts to whatever happens around you. Observe the patterns of thought that happen automatically with little input from your conscious mind.

The more you pay attention, the more you’ll recognize the trend of your thoughts. Are you more prone to positive or negative thinking? If you’re here in the Porn Reboot program and early in your reboot, you’re more likely to err on the side of dysfunctional self-talk.

Next, write down a list of your most common thought patterns. What are the things you regularly tell yourself? Are you encouraging or do you tear yourself down? What specific phrases do you repeat? Write all of these things down on paper so you have them in front of you in black and white.

Read each thought and ask yourself whether there is any truth behind it. It may be difficult at first when you’re still programmed to see yourself negatively. The more you read through this list, though, the more you realize most of the things you tell yourself are far from true. In fact, many of them are probably ridiculous.

Self-Talk and Your Reboot

You’ve spent so many years of your life telling yourself all sorts of terrible things; no wonder you feel so poorly all the time. Learning to control your self-talk is crucial if you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery.

If you tell yourself that you’re a loser every time you slip it will be much harder for you to overcome these setbacks. But if you accept your imperfections, tell yourself that you’re working hard, and that you learn from your mistakes, it will be much easier to avoid these mistakes.

Working on your self-talk is an important part of your reboot. There are tons of men in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group who understand the difficulties of controlling self-talk. If you’re having a hard time with changing your dysfunctional thinking, jump into the group and find some support from your brothers as you work on it!

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The Importance of Values To Your Reboot

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The Importance of Values To Your Reboot

What are some values that are important to you?

Could you list 5 or 10 clear values that define how you believe it’s important to live?

Whenever I ask a brother what his value system is, I tend to get vague responses. They fumble around and offer general things like being a good guy and doing the right thing. The problem is that being a good guy and doing the right thing looks different to different people. Not everyone has the same idea of what a “good guy” looks like. Those values are empty and meaningless. They don’t offer any real direction or purpose in your life.

I believe that a man must have clearly defined values to fully recover from his porn addiction and change his self-image. This may sound terrifying if you struggled to define clear values but I promise that I can help. Values are of the utmost importance in your reboot and I want to help you understand how to define those which are important to you.

What Are Values?

Values are generalizations that describe things that are important to you. They help you define what is good or bad, right or wrong. Your values have a massive impact on your actions because they drive behavior and provide motivation for all of your actions.

An easy way to think about values is to see them as buttons that either attract or repel you from things in life. They move you closer towards or further away from an outcome. Values are typically closely connected to your beliefs. These things work together to help you outline how you want to live.

Why Are Values Important?

To put it simply, values are the key to unlocking your mindset. You’re going to feel uncomfortable if you do something that goes against your value system. Understanding your values is a vital part of uncovering mental roadblocks and determining whether you’re moving in the right direction.

For example, I’m very open about my belief that casual sex is just fine once you’re past a certain point in your reboot. Some men in the Porn Reboot program are Christians, though, and don’t want to engage in casual sex. It goes against their value system and doing so would make them feel bad and maybe even put them at risk of a relapse.

Just because I view casual sex as something that isn’t a big deal doesn’t make my Christian brothers’ value systems any less important or valid. This is why you must get clear on what your personal value system is; no one else can define it for you.

Values Determine Your Priorities

It’s easier to prioritize your life once you’re clear on your values. You can organize your life to fit your needs when you know what is most important to you. Let’s say you’re a man with a wife and kids who absolutely loves his family. Your family is one of your greatest values. Understanding the value of family in your life means you may have to sacrifice time for them but it’s worth it because you value them.

Getting clear on my values is what enables me to do all the things that I do. Brothers in the group often ask me how it is that I can meditate for two hours and get to the gym every day while still having time to meet with men in the porn addiction recovery group and interact with my partner.

I don’t have any more time in a single day than you do, brother. There’s no secret behind my daily routine that adds an extra hour or two. It’s simple. I can do all these things because I value them. I value my mental wellbeing, I value my physical health, I value my work, and I value my partner. Each aspect is important to me so I make sure I dedicate time to each of them every single day.

Dissatisfaction Means Unmet Values

If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unfulfilled it likely means that you’re living out of congruence with your values. Let’s say you believe that you value fitness and health. You know you want to eat whole foods and commit to a regular gym routine. When lunchtime comes, though, you swing through a fast food drive thru and pick up a greasy burger and fries.

The more you engage in actions that are out of alignment with your values, the more dissatisfied you become. There’s nothing wrong with admitting your original values may not be your true values, but trying to force yourself into a value system that isn’t your own will leave you feeling discontent.

On the other hand, you’re going to feel satisfied and at peace when you live in congruence with your values. If you say you value fitness and health then spend your time meal prepping and getting to the gym after work, you will feel much more at ease. Even if the actions required to meet your values are tiring, the results make you feel invigorated.

Get Clear on Your Values

You must get clear on your values if you want to be successful in your reboot. Part of the reboot process is understanding truths about yourself and then taking the action required to align with those truths. You will feel much better when you align your behavior with your value system. But you can’t do that until you understand what your value system is.

If you’re having a hard time determining what your values are, I invite you to join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can reach out to some brothers who have worked through the process and are willing to share their experience. Surrounding yourself with men who have done the work will make it easier for you to do your own work, too.

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Unlocking Emotional Reboot Capital

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Unlocking Emotional Reboot Capital

Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital.

Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:

Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social

Now that we’ve covered the spiritual and mental aspects of your reboot, emotional wellbeing is the next area to pursue. Building emotional reboot capital requires you to feel and experience life at a deeper level. Your emotional side is the part of you that seeks meaningful contact with others.

A pornography-laden life creates distance between you and those you love. This applies not only in a physical sense because of the time you spend watching it. This also applies in an emotional sense because it dampens your emotions and holds you back from building fulfilling relationships with the people you care about.

Over time, the truth begins to blur as you justify your increasingly harmful behavior. You shut down emotionally to block out the negative feelings that stem from your porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior. The deeper you fall into your addiction, the more you’re forced to numb your emotions.

A successful reboot requires you to reconnect with your emotions so you can once again fully engage with life. At the same time, it also requires learning to keep your emotions from controlling you. This means you need to address your emotional deficiencies and build emotional reboot capital. What does emotional reboot capital entail?

Most men who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior stunted their emotional growth. They are emotionally immature. If you started watching porn during your childhood or early teenage years, you’re more likely to experience adverse results, cognitive disorders, and social challenges during adulthood.

Emotionally immature men remain stuck in their negative emotions and seem to have no way out of them. For example, you may feel uncomfortable in your skin and find it difficult to deal with the everyday challenges of life. When faced with problems you may become short-tempered or feel unable to cope. Some men even develop learned helplessness, meaning they depend too heavily on others because they don’t believe they have the power to enact change for themselves.

There are many dangers of unaddressed emotional immaturity. These include things like:

Loneliness
Lack of intimacy
Difficulties with interpersonal relationships
Struggles with building new friendships
Inability to face life on life’s terms
Greater risk of slips or relapse

On the other hand, emotionally mature men recognize, understand, and manage their emotions. This enables them to define success for themselves, relate with others, and create the life they desire. Emotionally mature men do not need to numb the intensity of life’s ups and downs; they take each moment as it comes and make the best of it.

Some of the traits of emotionally mature men include:

Not a victim of their emotions
Easier to live in the moment
Able to be of use to others
Experience less stress
Build stronger, more effective relationships
Overall optimism about the future

Working through your emotional immaturity is critical if you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery. Emotionally immature men do not have a successful porn addiction counseling. They blame others for their problems and refuse to take responsibility. And while you may struggle with emotional immaturity now, you have the power to work through and overcome this serious handicap.

Building emotional reboot capital is a bit more challenging than spiritual and mental capital. These emotional deficiencies plague us our entire lives up to the point where we are today. I’m going to unpack the ways you can build emotional reboot capital over the next few days before we launch into the rest of the series.

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Psychedelics and Rebooting from Porn Addiction

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Psychedelics and Rebooting from Porn Addiction

Psychedelic drugs aren’t a new phenomenon.

The 60s and 70s are notorious for the spread of psychedelics and the influence these drugs had on lots of the music and art during that period. They’re often touted as a way to get in touch with your spirituality and to increase your awareness of and feelings of oneness with the world.

Lots of brothers ask about the effects of psychedelics on their reboot. They wonder whether the spiritual awareness and awakening that comes from psychedelics have any benefit on their relationship to porn, sex, and masturbation. It comes up often enough that I feel it’s finally important to address here on the blog.

Full disclosure, I don’t have much experience with psychedelics. The only time I’ve used any psychedelic drug is when I microdosed psilocybin. Although it was an interesting experience it also wasn’t out of the ordinary. I’ve never gone on a full trip but I also don’t feel the need to have one, either. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to try different psychedelics but I’ve chosen to focus on other practices for my reboot instead.

I choose to lean into my meditation practice for the time being rather than test the waters of psychedelics. I’ve known many psychonauts who credit their psychedelic experiences for their insight. I may explore that avenue of consciousness and spirituality at some point and I hope it enhances my life as I’ve seen it do with others.

That being said, I have never seen anyone end their out-of-control sexual behavior with psychedelics.

Sure, men gain plenty of insight when using these substances. I’ve seen men become more empathetic, seen them uncover a deep-seated roadblock, seen them work through unresolved belief systems. It provides a way to get in touch with a lot of your suppressed emotions or develop a spirituality you felt incapable of cultivating before. Psychedelics offer an avenue for exploration and self-discovery that is unique to this experience alone.

However, they aren’t a requirement for you to successfully overcome your porn addiction. I know many men who stress the magic of psychedelics but still battle with their compulsive behavior. I also know many men who, like me, have never had a psychedelic experience yet live happy, fulfilling lives free from their behavior with porn and masturbation.

I’m not saying that psychedelics are an absolute no or that they don’t have their uses. But I am saying that they aren’t a necessity. You don’t need to trip to get in touch with your emotions. You don’t need to trip to develop reboot capital or develop a routine. You don’t need to trip to control your behavior.

At the same time, if you believe a psychedelic experience will offer you deeper insight into the work you’re already doing, then by all means go ahead. I’m not here to discourage or dissuade anyone from doing something they may find helpful for their porn addiction recovery. But I’m also not here to tell anyone they need to do something when it’s far from being a necessity.

Another thing to consider is the effects that psychedelics can have. People who are prone to depression or anxiety aren’t the best candidates for psychedelic experiences. From what I understand, trips can be difficult to control and if you panic at any point the experience can become very overwhelming very fast.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question other than you do not have to take psychedelics to overcome your out-of-control behavior. The tools you learn in the Porn Reboot system are more than enough to help you gain control of your porn addiction and masturbation.

If you’re concerned that psychedelics may not be a good experience for you, there’s nothing wrong with not using them. However, if you’re doing the work to control your behavior and feel that psychedelics may enhance the process, you might find them to be a useful tool. Psychedelics work for some but not for all. Whatever decision you make, I promise you that rebooting is still possible.

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Save Your Insights and Save Your Life

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Save Your Insights and Save Your Life

I find that a lot of traditional approaches to porn addiction recovery hand deliver foundational concepts for you.

Take the 12-step recovery community, for example. They have these phrases like “one day at a time” and “once an addict, always an addict.” This religion of recovery is a detrimental approach to controlling your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.

I see too many people latch onto these concepts like they’re the one and only approach to a fulfilling life. It makes sense because you don’t show up to recovery groups until you’ve reached at least some level of desperation. You wouldn’t ask for help if you weren’t seriously struggling. So I understand why people latch onto these concepts like they’re the sole way to a better life.

But I don’t agree with that. I don’t think adopting someone else’s foundational concepts leads to a lasting and fulfilling life. Adopting someone else’s ideas as your own and parroting them as if you wholeheartedly believe in them only sets you up for failure. You’re likely to end up in a deeper, darker place than before and I don’t want to see that happen.

I think that the “gospel of recovery” as I like to call it preys on the innocent. It scoops you up during your worst moments and promises to save you from yourself if you only think the way that you’re told to. In my opinion, anything that strips you of personal responsibility and individuality isn’t the way to go.

I believe that the person who knows you best is yourself. You sit with yourself every day, you listen to yourself think, you watch yourself move through the world. While you may have some skewed thinking when you first arrive at the Porn Reboot program, you’re still the best expert there is on you.

The Porn Addiction Counseling or Porn Reboot system is outlined to help you uncover the things that get in your way and built reboot capital so you no longer have to rely on porn, sex, and masturbation. It’s not a dogmatic set of beliefs you must adopt, it’s simply a path of simple actions that empower you to reconnect with yourself.

You’ll find nothing in the Porn Reboot program that forces you to believe any one particular thing. Instead, I encourage you to dig deep within yourself and discover the insights that are inherently there. You spend years blocking them out with your out-of-control behavior, but once you have some time away from it you’ll find those insights are still there.

Taking on someone else’s insights instead of getting in touch with your own is dishonest to your existence. It’s denying what you know to be inherently true. Every person has a fundamental understanding and idea of the world that works for them. Trying to force yourself into someone else’s mold is a recipe for disingenuous living and discontentment.

You don’t need someone to force feed you a set of insights that may or may not align with your beliefs. Instead, your morning reflection, your reading, your journaling, and your checking in with your accountability partner will outline a clear idea of what is right and wrong for you.

Saving your insights will save your life. You don’t need me to tell you what is important. I trust that with enough time free from porn you’ll develop the mental clarity necessary to determine that for yourself. The Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot system has much more faith in you than traditional recovery programs do.

No one knows you better than you know yourself, brother. Once you truly understand that fact, you’ll find a freedom and sense of relief that you never dreamed was possible.

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Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot

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Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot

A brother in our Porn Reboot Intensive group brought a fantastic question forward the other day and I want to share it here.

“J.K., which boundaries can I release in the late and maintenance phases of my reboot? On one podcast you mentioned that we can let go of certain boundaries during these phases, but you didn’t give any examples. You said not all boundaries should stay active forever.

“This answer is clear for some situations, like the program that shuts my computer down at 9:00 PM. I needed it during the early stages of my reboot but now that I prefer sleeping to staying on my computer late, I don’t need it anymore.

“You often mention your period of gathering dating experience for two years, and then you went to parties. What were your boundaries for sleep since you were still rebooting at that time? I’m assuming you didn’t go home at 10:00 PM to get to sleep.

“I’m not sure if I should keep a bedtime boundary forever, or if thinking this way is a quick path to trial rebooting.”

I think some men who aren’t in our coaching groups and only engage with our free content develop a bit of a skewed view of the porn addiction problem solving system. They seem to think it’s a very straight line from being trapped in your out-of-control behavior to being fully rebooted.

While the system does offer a clear-cut path to recovery, the process of following that path doesn’t always tend to be a straight shot. The system remains the same but every man going through the Porn Reboot process has a different experience. Each man has a different lifestyle and a different set of circumstances that led to his compulsive behaviors.

This skewed understanding makes some sense, though. You’ll notice that most of the free content I offer, from this blog to our YouTube channel to our podcast and so on, discusses the system in a general way. I’m trying to reach a wide audience filled with a variety of men from different backgrounds. I don’t want to get too specific because I’m more focused on helping as many people as possible during the early stages.

It’s why I didn’t outline specific boundaries to release during the late and maintenance phases of the reboot. There is no cookie-cutter methodology for letting go of boundaries. What one man might need to keep as a boundary for years may not apply to another man.

Determining which boundaries to let go of is a personal and individual process. If you don’t have access to someone who is fully rebooted it may take a lot of trial and error. But as you progress through your reboot you’ll start to recognize which boundaries are useful and which you can consider letting go of. It’s something you figure out on your own while hopefully surrounded by support and accountability.

Our brother also asked about my experience with releasing my bedtime boundary. You have to remember, though, that there was no Porn Addiction Counseling system when I rebooted. I was my case study. I went through so much trial and error to determine what worked and what didn’t. So even my process of rebooting wasn’t the straight shot that some men believe it to be.

However, I did maintain very strong boundaries regarding bedtime during my dating phase. I was always in bed by 11:00 PM or sometimes a rare midnight. Whenever I went on a date with a woman, I always made sure to be home in time to go through my evening routine before getting in bed.

I also maintained a two-date rule. The first date was a quick coffee date, no more than an hour, to determine whether there was a possibility of intimacy. If we didn’t get along or I didn’t see myself sleeping with this woman, I would finish up the date and move on with my life. If I was interested in pursuing something with her, I would invite her over to my house for a second date.

My boundaries were especially important during this second date because I still maintained my 11:00 PM bedtime. This meant I needed to meet with my date earlier in the evening so I had enough time to make my curfew.

I hate to break it to you, brother, but you do not have the luxury of living out a romantic Hollywood fantasy. There’s no hanging out with a chick for three or four hours and losing track of time. Maintaining your boundaries is crucial. If you’re rebooting, you must have a deadline for a chick to leave your place.

But again, determining boundaries is a personal experience. You will know what your boundaries should be if you’re willing to be honest with yourself. Checking in with an accountability partner will also help you determine whether you’re on the right track with releasing some old boundaries during the late and maintenance phases.

If you don’t already have an accountability partner or a group of men to check in with, now is a great time to find some. The Free Porn Reboot Facebook group is a great place to find brothers working on their reboot in all stages of the process. Come join us today and let us know where you’re at. Whether you’re still checking out the Porn Reboot system or you’re in the late stage and ready to release some boundaries, there are plenty of men who can help!

Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot Read More »

The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence

Porn Addiction Counseling / By Automation Agency Concierge

The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence

Confidence is something most of the brothers in the Porn Addiction Counseling Program our own reboot system struggle with.

It’s easy to feel defeated, ashamed, and remorseful when you struggle with out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. You’ve spent years hiding away from the world and trying to keep people from finding out what you do behind closed doors. Of course your confidence levels will be next to nothing.

Today I want to cover a simple process you can use to start building confidence. There are many different ways to achieve a level of confidence as you work through the Porn Reboot system, but I want to give you something actionable that you can implement immediately.

Confidence comes down to a mindset shift. I want you to look at the target you have in mind: quitting your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Ending your out-of-control behavior is the end goal, and it likely has been for some time already.

So if you made the decision many years ago that you’re going to permanently end your behavior, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve second-guessed yourself, whether you’ve failed in your attempts before, or how many times you’ve tried. What matters is that you chose to better your life in the first place.

I guarantee there are thousands of men hidden away behind their computers wishing they could have the strength to make that decision. They haven’t even attempted to end their behavior; they’ve resigned themselves to a miserable porn-filled life. But you, brother, are taking steps to leave that life behind for good.

Confidence can come from the knowledge of that simple fact. You chose to do something different with your life instead of continuing digging yourself deeper into that dark hole of misery, depression, and hopelessness. Even if you’re in the middle of a slip right now, you can always get back on the beam.

This is the easiest way to bridge the gap between you and the confidence you so badly need. You wouldn’t be here reading this if you weren’t at least somewhat set on deciding to end your behavior. I know it may sound silly or even too simple but sit there with that knowledge brother. Let it sink in and give yourself credit for choosing to take a different path.

Your confidence will continue to grow and strengthen as you progress through the Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot program. Simply embodying the knowledge that you’re ready to forge a new road should give you the boost of confidence it takes to begin. You’re part of something bigger than yourself, brother, and on the way to something incredible. Stay the course and watch as your life changes before your eyes.

The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence Read More »

“At This Moment In My Reboot”

Porn Addiction Counseling / By Automation Agency Concierge

“At This Moment In My Reboot”

Today I’ve got another great question from a brother in the Porn Reboot group. He asked:

“J.K., why do you say ‘At this moment in my reboot’ sometimes? You are 15 years free from pornography. Doesn’t it take two years to reboot, or at least for your brain to rewire? That sounds more like saying ‘At this point in my recovery’, which you regularly point out has no deadline. Don’t you often say you kick people out of the group once their reboot is ‘done’?”

A lot of men who first arrive at the Porn Reboot program assume that it’s just about quitting porn. Sure, quitting your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is the primary goal. However, quitting porn is only the beginning of the Porn Reboot process.

Instead, Porn Reboot is a holistic process. Cutting porn out of your life doesn’t magically heal all the other areas that you harmed. It doesn’t build back reboot capital in the parts of your life that are suffering. Eliminating your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is only the beginning.

Too many men think that quitting porn is all it takes to overcome porn addiction. If it were that simple I wouldn’t be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t work with hundreds of men every year who burn their lives down because of their porn addiction problems. You wouldn’t be here reading this either if you truly believed that quitting porn was the only thing you needed to do.

No, brother. Quitting porn is only the start.

This is exactly why I’m so against things like “no fap.” Yeah, it’s great you stopped jerking off. That’s wonderful. But that’s not going to fix your financial issues. It’s not going to fix your mental health issues. It won’t fix your attachment issues or your social anxiety. Truthfully, quitting porn does nothing but magnify your lack of effective coping skills.

Remember that something made you rely on porn in the first place. Maybe it was medicating stress, maybe it was rejection at school, or maybe it was simple curiosity and seeking pleasure. Whatever the reason, though, porn became your solution to problems instead of actual problem-solving skills.

Eliminating porn is the first step. But developing coping skills and building a life worth living is where the true work lies. The system will get you to the point where you are no longer dependent on pornography, but it doesn’t mean the unresolved issues in your life are suddenly resolved. And that may take much longer than the two years required to rewire your brain.

I’m not some magical guru who has fixed every area of his life. I’m very aware of the areas where I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m also more than aware of the areas where I’m not where I want to be. I use the phrase “At this moment in my reboot” because I recognize that I still have work to do, too.

I view rebooting as a lifestyle, meaning I apply the principles I used to control my behavior to dealing with other unresolved issues. The system isn’t only useful for pornography, it’s useful for every area I want to work on in my life. I practice what I preach which means I’m still working on myself to this day.

Our brother was keen to recognize this point and I’m grateful that he brought it up. I don’t want you thinking that I believe I’ve got all the answers. I don’t. I simply have a system that works for me and the other men in the Porn Addiction Counseling group. And I don’t just sit here writing blog posts, making YouTube videos, and recording podcasts without continuing to do the work.

When you hear me say “At this point in my reboot,” I’m not referring to my sexual behavior or my behavior with pornography. I’m referring to the other unresolved issues that I’m dealing with in my life. I’m no better and no worse than you, brother. I’m on my own journey through life and dedicated to helping others escape the same hellish cycle I found myself in.

While I don’t believe we are porn addicts forever, I do believe we are forever works in progress. Very few people will ever truly achieve enlightenment. We’re always going to have things we need to work through in life. But when you remove your out-of-control sexual behavior from the equation, working on these issues becomes far more effective and manageable. And life becomes that much more beautiful, too.

“At This Moment In My Reboot” Read More »

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