Over the years, many brothers asked me something to the effect of, “When you began this journey, J.K., how did you have the confidence to believe you would end your out-of-control behavior? How did you know? It feels like there are so many things standing in my way, like I’ve tried different things but made next to no progress.”
Brothers rattle off a long list of reasons they feel they can’t control their behavior. Lacking willpower. Not having time. Managing a busy career. Caring for a large family. Having no self-respect or self-esteem. Experiencing an insatiable sex drive. Never meeting someone who has successfully overcome their behavior.
I’ve heard just about every excuse in the books yet here I stand before you more than a decade free from my porn addiction. So, what is my secret?
Once I was beaten down to a point I could no longer handle, I knew I was done with porn and masturbation.
I outlined exactly what I wanted my life to look like. I didn’t consider the ifs, ands, or buts. I didn’t hang out or spend time with anyone who didn’t align with this new vision for my life. I fully dedicated myself to achieving this goal and did everything I could to reach it.
I find this is something that most men who come to the Porn Reboot program have trouble with. I ask them what they want and they can’t clearly define it. Sure, they know they want to overcome their compulsive behavior. They want peace of mind. They want to stop cheating on their partner. They want to live up to their potential. They want to be more focused. But they don’t have a clear definition of what life looks like after that.
That’s like going to the ticket counter at the airport and telling the person at the counter that you want a ticket. They ask where you want a ticket to and all you say is “somewhere warm.” What is that person supposed to do? How can they give you a plane ticket when you can’t define where you want to go?
The same applies to your reboot. You may know that you can’t handle your behavior anymore but you don’t know what life looks like without it. You can’t articulate the end goal. And that’s what separates my experience from yours.
An important part of Porn Reboot is to help you clearly define your reboot. It provides a path for you to control your behavior in 90 days so you can rewire your brain and be free from porn forever. But we don’t dictate how you live your life, we only provide the tools to overcome your behavior. What your life looks like as a rebooted man is up to you.
So how can you get there if you aren’t sure what it looks like?
I want you to sit down and write out your goal. Define the ultimate goal for your reboot and then consider whether there’s something more. Go through several iterations of it until you outline a very clear definition of what life looks like when you’ve overcome your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation.
It’s that simple.
Clearly define your reboot, commit to the process, and don’t allow anyone to derail you once you’ve made your decision. Confidence will come from your faith and trust in yourself; you don’t need anyone else to provide it for you. Surround yourself with Porn Reboot brothers when you feel unsure and keep moving forward. It will be the best choice you ever make, brother, I guarantee it.
Empathy is a vital skill that you need to develop as you work through your reboot.
It’s a key emotion to work on as you develop emotional reboot capital. Empathy is something that everyone is capable of cultivating but it works just like a muscle: it atrophies if you don’t use it. However, you can also build it up with consistent training and practice.
What is Empathy?
In a nutshell, empathy is your ability to recognize and embrace another person’s point of view. It’s the practice of putting yourself in their shoes, experiencing what they’re experiencing, and understanding what they’re going through.
There are three different kinds of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy. Knowing the difference between these three forms of empathy can help you create good responses depending on context. You may not need all of them at every moment but it’s useful to learn which situations require which form of empathy.
Cognitive empathy means knowing what the other person is going through. You’re able to put yourself in their shoes while maintaining some distance. For example, when someone feels hurt or ashamed you intellectually embrace what they’re going through while keeping an appropriate distance, or “staying out of the problem.”
Emotional empathy means sharing another person’s experience with them. Think about the ways people describe physical manifestations of their emotions, like a feeling in their gut or a pain in their chest. In this way, emotions are almost contagious. Emotional empathy occurs when you tap into these deep emotional experiences.
Finally, compassionate empathy is a combination of both cognitive and emotional empathy. It’s a perfectly balanced empathy that allows you to use all available information to relate to another person. It’s the most effective and emotionally intelligent way to empathize with those around you. It limits the emotional distance of cognitive empathy but lessens the intensity of emotional empathy.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
Before you can develop empathy it’s important to distinguish empathy from sympathy. While sympathy sounds like a nice characteristic, it can actually cause a lot of harm. Too many people use sympathy as a way to enable someone’s excuses. It often turns into feeling sorry for the person which keeps them stuck in the perpetual victim state.
No one can grow when they’re sitting in this position. They believe everything is happening to them, not around them. They think the world is out to do them wrong. They insist they have no power or control over the situation they’re in. And sympathizing with this type of person will only make their problems worse.
However, empathy offers a clear perspective on their situation. It allows room for understanding while leaving no room for excuses or stagnant behavior. Empathy accepts and acknowledges a person’s starting point but then holds them accountable for moving forward and taking action to change their circumstances. It shows you want the best for them.
Empathy and Accountability
Empathy is an especially important skill to develop when it comes to accountability partnerships. If you lack empathy while working with an accountability partner you limit your capability to be helpful. If you only have sympathy then you enable your partner’s poor behavior and excuses.
You’re most effective when you develop a strong sense of empathy. You can listen to your accountable partners and relate to their difficulties while still holding them to a higher standard.
You’re in a unique position to empathize with your brothers in the porn addiction recovery program, too, because you understand exactly what they’re going through. You know how challenging it is to overcome your out-of-control behavior. At the same time, though, you also know it’s possible and can keep your brothers on track.
How Can You Develop Empathy?
Years of porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior likely destroyed your capacity for empathy. You may feel incapable of love, kindness, and understanding. If you’re in this position you’re far from alone. Many brothers share the same struggles when they first arrive at the Porn Reboot program.
Like I said earlier, though, empathy is like a muscle. While it may have atrophied over the years you can begin to build it back up through intentional practice. Developing empathy is possible as you learn to control your behavior and end your pornography addiction.
The best way to begin your practice is to start with yourself. Focus on cultivating compassion and empathy toward yourself before attempting to turn it outward. It’s like every airplane safety video you’ve ever heard: “In the event of an emergency, please affix your oxygen mask before helping others around you.”
I have a simple practice you can use to begin developing empathy. First, think about a problem you’re dealing with right now. Put that problem into words. “I’m really worried about __________. I feel __________.” Learn to identify the feelings you experience as a result of this particular situation.
Now, remind yourself that other people likely experience similar feelings during similar situations. There is always someone who understands and has gone through whatever it is you’re going through. Think about the ways you’re feeling and recognize that someone else feels the same way. Don’t you want to offer them the reassurance you’d like to feel?
Next, call to mind three to five people in your life whom you admire and respect. Consider the things they may say to encourage you through this struggle. They might tell you to be kind to yourself, to take care of yourself, to nurture yourself, to love yourself, and so on. Hear these people you care about telling you these things in your mind and begin embracing them.
Another way to develop self-compassion is to see yourself through the eyes of a loving grandparent. They’re somewhat removed from your upbringing and therefore have a more gentle view of you. While your parents deal with your every difficult attribute, your grandparents are less inclined to focus only on the negative. Try to view yourself the way your grandparents may see you.
Reach Out For Help
Developing empathy doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Sure, you may make some progress without leaning on others. But true compassion for yourself and those around you happens when you bring the practice into the real world.
I suggest joining us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group and finding some men who are working to cultivate empathy. It’s a bunch of regular guys just like you who struggle with the same exact things. They know what you’re dealing with and can walk you through their own experiences with developing empathy.
It’s not something that happens all at once but I guarantee you it’s worth the effort. The benefits of cultivating empathy expand far outside yourself and your immediate circle; they impact everyone you come in contact with each day of your life.
I came across something on social media the other day that hit me: the topic of suffering.
When I first got into a relationship as a rebooting porn addict with serious porn addiction problems, I was scared. So scared. In fact, I had a mental breakdown at one point. I met a genuinely good woman, innocent, well-raised, feminine, beautiful, caring, and so out of my league that I was convinced God was playing a cruel trick on me.
Would I hurt her with my behavior? Could I keep my commitments? Could I, a filthy-minded porn addict who had acted out in the most disgusting ways, deserve such happiness? What if she found out about my past, the drunken weed- and porn-filled nights that I woke up from? Should I tell her? How much? And what if I lost her?
These thoughts hurdled through my mind with such intensity that I was rendered useless for weeks. While driving to work one morning I randomly and inexplicably burst into tears. I remember pulling over to a gas station, bewildered and confused, and calling my mother. I was sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere and didn’t understand what was going on.
That relationship did a number on me. My heart literally hurt whenever I was with her during our first year together. The pressure of my shame and low self-worth crushed me from within. I went through the motions of daily life like a zombie with dread in my heart and a seemingly permanent lump in my throat.
I couldn’t handle intimacy.
I couldn’t handle someone loving me.
I wasn’t worthy.
A part of me craved intimacy while another part was terrified by its potential. I was scared of the long, four-hour calls at night. I feared cuddles and long hugs. Hand-holding was so alien to me. I remember hearing the words “I love you” on the phone for the first time and they elicited this internal reaction akin to an addict living in secrecy for years.
When sex is exclusively used for pleasure and escape from your irresponsible reality, intimacy in any form is a threat to your existence. Eventually, I became convinced that if I did not take drastic measures I was going to lose my mind.
I went on a long silent meditation retreat and what followed were the most painful days of my life. No access to the internet, no phone, no books. Just 11 days of silence and 10 hours of meditation per day.
My urges, which I thought were under control at that point, rose with a vengeance. I had wet dreams almost nightly. I woke up with panic attacks and fear so severe that I wet the bed on two occasions. All I could do was whisper to myself, “Please, God, make it stop.”
When the sun rose each morning it was a sweet relief from my agonizing, lonely nights. But after a few hours, the sleep deprivation sunk in and all my fears gathered like a dark storm. They enveloped me almost the entire time I spent at that retreat.
Have you ever experienced a mental pain so intense that you would have one of your limbs sawed off in exchange for relief? That’s what it felt like. That’s how painful it was during the last few days of the retreat. I slowly realized the pain was not going away, either. Not any time soon.
There was no way I could continue living with this insanity but I had to accept that it might never truly leave me. It was my hell on earth, the price I had to pay for my years of compulsive sexual behavior and running from the pain.
Something peculiar happened when I returned from the retreat, though. As I slowly accepted the insanity and suffering, I stopped resenting it. As I saw with it, it became slightly more bearable. But the moment I tried to run from it, it became intense again.
I realized that if I stopped struggling, stopped wishing it would go away, then I could manage it. It was still painful but it was bearable moment to moment. I finally experienced some relief.
The sense of relief has grown throughout the almost 15 years that I’ve been porn-free now achieving porn addiction recovery completely. I still experience some unwelcome visits from time to time. Occasionally I have nightmares and wake up with feelings of pure terror and panic. But those are fewer and further between the more time goes by.
I know I’m not the only man who goes through this. Many men are forced through that experience of their self-made hell. I want you to know that if you’ve experienced this, or you’re in the middle of it right now, it’s okay. You don’t have to walk alone. You’ll have to do the work on your own and come to your conclusions in solitude, but I’m here to walk by your side.
I will keep you company through that landscape of irrationality, fear, dread, depression, and temporary madness. I’ll be there until you arrive at your destination of understanding. The understanding that I had to come to myself. The realization that while pain is a requirement of the human condition, suffering is only optional.
If you’re a high-performing, successful individual who struggles with out-of-control behavior with porn or masturbation, you likely have certain character traits that interfere with a successful reboot. I say this after years of working with men in your exact position whom I’ve had to help through these same struggles.
Over the last few weeks, I wrote a series on the importance of building reboot capital in five areas of your life. If you haven’t read those yet, I suggest going back and reading the past six or so posts. They are a vital part of your success in the porn addiction recovery program. Much like a startup needs capital to be successful, you need capital to be successful in your reboot.
In the same way, a new business needs to build capital, they also need to limit liabilities. When it comes to your reboot, liabilities are these difficult personality traits that hold you back. Eliminating these is just as important as building strengths in other areas.
Self-defeating behaviors are ways of thinking and acting that develop into habits over time. They have become part of your subconscious behaviors that you act out automatically. When ending an out-of-control sexual behavior you must change your habits before you can change your lifestyle. A strong set of healthy habits are the building blocks you need to create a strong foundation in your reboot.
Even if you do quit porn and masturbation before addressing your self-defeating habits they’ll continue affecting you after you eliminate your out-of-control behavior. These traits hold you back in each area where you need to build capital: spiritual, mental, emotional, social, and physical.
I’ll break down a few of the most common traits I’ve noticed in the men I work with over the years. Which of these habits and traits apply to you?
Caretakers
Caretakers care for others and consider their needs to the point that they depend on them. The caretaker’s self-esteem is based on how much he can do for other people. Unfortunately, this keeps him from ever learning how to care for himself, though, because he’s so focused on others. He also uses this habit as a way to shirk responsibility for his poor behavior.
A caretaker always needs someone dependent around them. Their self-worth hinges upon having someone to take care of. If they cannot find someone dependent then they’ll create the problem in someone around them.
At their lowest points, caretakers feel like they’re being used. It seems like everyone around them is taking advantage of their kind and caring natures. However, your behaviors are self-serving and caretakers rely on people depending on them as much as the dependent people rely on the caretaker.
The first step to stop being a caretaker is to develop a sense of self. You won’t need to seek validation or find purpose in caring for others once you have an understanding of yourself. Next, you must let people take responsibility for their actions. Stop trying to play God; allow things to play out without interfering.
People Pleasers
People-pleasing is the next challenging personality trait when it comes to rebooting. People pleasers base their thoughts and actions around making sure to not upset anyone. These men never want to step out of line, rock the boat, or hurt people’s feelings. They fear that upsetting someone will lead to rejection and abandonment.
People pleasers struggle to build happy, fulfilling relationships because their engagements with others are built on lies. They may not see what they’re doing as lying but dishonesty is the essence of people-pleasing behavior. It’s denying your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs to avoid problems with those around you.
Over time, men who struggle with people-pleasing behaviors build resentment toward everyone around them. They become angry but never express it because it goes against their people-pleasing tendencies. This is a recipe for disaster, though, and these men eventually reach a breaking point.
Like caretaking, eliminating people-pleasing behavior starts with developing a strong sense of self. As you have a better understanding of who you are you’ll feel less inclined to worry about how others feel about you. You’ll notice less frustration with others and more enjoyable relationships when you stop living to please others.
Martyrs
The traditional definition of a martyr is a person who is killed for their faith or beliefs. In the present-day context, though, a martyr suffers in more of a metaphorical sense. They believe life is supposed to be a struggle and operate accordingly. Nothing can ever be fully enjoyed because there’s always an underlying sense of deep pain.
Life is what you believe it to be so if you believe it’s a struggle then it will become one. This self-sacrificial behavior causes men to sabotage their relationships with others. They’re constantly carrying out these self-defeating actions that hold them back from truly experiencing the joy of life.
The solution to martyrdom is to stop viewing life as a vale of tears. Sure, bad things happen. That’s life. But it’s not something to be torturously endured. It’s something to be enjoyed. Cut the negativity and find some happiness in your life if you want to be successful in your reboot.
Workaholics
Workaholics are one of the most common types of men who join the Porn Reboot program. Men who struggle with workaholism base their self-esteem on their productivity. They put work in front of everything else in their life. It’s difficult for these men to relax because they feel they need to be “on” and performing at all times.
I also notice that workaholics try to compensate for the overwhelming shame caused by their out-of-control behavior through productivity at work. They can’t seem to control their behavior with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation so they overcompensate by controlling their work performance.
However, workaholism is only going to derail your reboot. Basing your self-esteem around your productivity and performance is a short-sighted way to live. You can’t build a fulfilling life when your entire focus is on your career.
You can overcome a workaholic mentality by learning to detach your self-worth from your job. Your job is only one part of your life. Building up reboot capital in other areas of your life will help you separate from your career as the only positive in your life. As you separate from your out-of-control behavior and strengthen these other areas, your work won’t be the only thing to be proud of.
Overcoming Challenging Traits
Overcoming these and other challenging traits is a key part of the reboot process. You may make some progress but won’t move very far if you can’t get a handle on them. The Porn Reboot program involves ridding yourself of these traits with the help of our system.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process or wondering whether it’s really possible? You’re far from alone. Many men feel they’ll never reach the point of freedom from their negative traits. I was the same way when I First ended my behavior with porn and masturbation, too. But I promise you, brother, it’s possible. You don’t have to do it alone, either; you have brothers waiting to support you each step of the way.
Today’s topic comes from a brother’s question in the Porn Reboot group.
“Hey J.K., I have a question about how we share our experience in this group. I often find myself trying to explain the goals and benefits of this program without pushing them to sign up. I find some people to be pretty open-minded about what we do here but others seem to think that what I do for my reboot is excessive or even unhealthy.
“I reflect on this in my journaling, knowing that what I do is beneficial for me so it shouldn’t matter what others think. But I still sometimes find myself feeling threatened by their judgment. Do you have any tips for people who find themselves prone to insecurity caused by the judgment from their close friends?”
This is a great question because a lot of men who embark on the reboot process fall off because of the opinions of others in their life. Sometimes it’s a man whose wife thinks he’s being a little too open and vulnerable with men she sees as strangers. She would rather him talk with their pastor or a local therapist instead of work with the porn addiction recovery group.
Other times it is friends who insist that putting aside time for a reboot routine every day is too much to ask. Every man in the Porn Reboot program has a routine that consists of some combination of meditation, journaling, and reading but this is too big of a commitment in some people’s eyes. They think it’s too regimented and think you could find an easier way to accomplish the task.
Ultimately, it’s normal to experience some resistance from those around you whenever you embark on a significant path of change in your life. Oftentimes your moving forward exposes others’ unwillingness to do the same. They want to maintain the status quo and feel bad when they see you progressing.
These people try to take you down a notch as you make these positive changes. There are plenty of phrases that describe the phenomenon, too: “tall poppy syndrome” or “crabs in a barrel.” This is because it’s human nature to feel threatened when others around you are leveling up in life. People tend to bring you down instead of rising alongside you.
They Judged Me, Too
When I was 20, I realized I was a complete loser that was headed for internal destruction if I didn’t make a change. I was lazy, failing out of college, had horribly low self-esteem, and wasn’t sure I was going to survive to see 30.
I didn’t want to see my life end tragically so I decided I was going to transform every aspect of my life. Everyone who knew me, my friends and family, all of them thought I was insane. They all hassled me whenever I made another positive change.
I started lifting weights at the gym and my family told me I wasn’t built to be a buff guy, that I didn’t have the genetics for it. I started a door-to-door sales job to overcome my introversion and my friends insisted I wasn’t cut out for the job.
I didn’t let their judgment bring me down, though. I stuck with my convictions and made a massive transformation in my life. Over time, I became stronger and looked better. I worked through my fear of talking to people and became one of the best salesmen at that company.
Despite my successes, people still gave me a hard time as I continued pushing myself to grow more. When I decided to leave my career and start the porn addiction counseling which is the Porn Reboot program, friends and family tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I was going to forever be the “porn guy” because of the power of internet search engines.
I kept pushing forward, though, and today I help hundreds of men overcome their pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior every year. The work we do here at Porn Reboot is saving lives, saving relationships, saving careers, saving families, and none of it would have been possible if I would have listened to the naysayers when I was in my 20s.
Pushing Through the Judgment
At the end of the day, judgment is part of human nature. It’s natural for people to question you when you decide to make a significant change. Part of it is the threat that comes from your growth but another is genuine concern for your wellbeing. Your loved ones don’t want you to make bad decisions. More often than not they truly care for you.
But you must continue with what you know to be true for you. If you’re facing judgment because of your reboot, trust that it will pay off in the end. Their judgment will mean nothing once you’ve gained control over your behavior with porn addiction problems and masturbation. Nothing can replicate the feeling of overcoming that which has dictated your life for years.
It won’t always be easy to push through the judgment but it will be worth it when porn and masturbation no longer threaten everything important to you. The time your daily routine takes is nothing compared to the time your porn addiction took from you.
If you face extensive judgment from those closest to you, lean into the Porn Reboot group. Our free Facebook group is filled with men who understand what it means to be controlled by porn and compulsive sexual behavior. They recognize the extent we need to go to so we can live normal lives. They will offer support when you feel like you have none from the people in your life. You don’t have to deal with the struggle alone, brother. We’re here for
Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital.
Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
Today I want to kick off our reboot capital series with the spiritual aspect of life. I find this area is difficult for many men in the program to come to terms with. The term “spiritual” brings to mind a certain idea of a specific brand of spirituality, one that makes lots of people bristle with discomfort and antagonism.
I can hear you now: “I’m not sure about that, J.K. I don’t think I need to worry about the spiritual side of things because I’m not a religious person.”
I’m not a religious person either, brother. I’ve always been open about that. But that doesn’t negate my belief that every person needs to connect with the spiritual side of life. I don’t mean giving up your will to a higher power. I don’t mean finding religion. I don’t mean spending hours per day in prayer. I don’t even necessarily mean meditating. Sure, all of these things may have their time and place but they’re not a requirement to develop spirituality.
The way I view spirituality is through the lens of, “Who am I and what am I here for?” Spirituality provides purpose and direction in life. I don’t just mean Christian spirituality, either. Spirituality is as straightforward as connecting with the world around you at a deeper level with greater awareness. It’s about your connection to your existence.
There are two inescapable truths in life:
Everyone will die at some point.
Everyone experiences some form of tragedy or trauma at some point.
There is no way around either of those two things. You will die at some point and you will experience some tragic things that really rock you to the core of your being and make you question your existence. It may be the loss of someone close to you, loss of one of your senses, or loss of your physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing. When this tragedy eventually strikes, what are you going to lean on so you can keep going?
This is where spiritual reboot capital comes into practice. The magnitude of the world and its realities can feel crushing and impossible sometimes. But the spiritual side of life gives you meaning when it feels like there is none. You must develop spiritual reboot capital with the help of porn addiction counseling if you want to make it through these inevitable low points in life.
So, how do you develop spiritual reboot capital?
Start simple. Begin by being kind. Start being kind not only to the people you know but especially to the people you don’t. I believe kindness is the easiest path to spirituality because it requires you to do something for someone else who needs it. This is particularly when you don’t know the person and have no connection to them. They’re just another individual floating around in the world who needs some support.
Brothers who implement this practice slowly begin to develop empathy and start to feel compassion. They begin to reconnect with emotions and feelings that have long been lost to porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior.
It’s easy to end up in a tailspin trying to think your way into your purpose. Start by acting your way into your purpose instead. Sharing kindness with your fellow human beings is the most straightforward possible path to spirituality. It connects you with the world around you in the most intimate and important way possible.
As you develop compassion, empathy, and kindness for others, you’ll inevitably develop it for yourself as well. Those positive feelings will turn inward and you’ll feel a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in the world.
Sharing kindness with your fellows is one of the most basic spiritual practices you can incorporate. Once you’re comfortable with this introduction practice you can start to include other things like reflective writing and meditation. The more time you dedicate to developing spiritual reboot capital the more positive you will feel. You’ll feel more connected with yourself, with others, and with the world as a whole.
If you’re interested in connecting with other brothers and learning about the ways they build their spiritual reboot capital including porn addiction recovery programs which you can attain – join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. We’d love to hear what you’re working on and offer some help if you’re feeling stuck. We look forward to having you, brother!
Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital.
Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
Today I’m going to dig into the importance of building up your mental reboot capital. The mental area of your life refers to your cognitive abilities consisting of your thinking and reasoning skills. It also includes your thoughts, beliefs, and values. Your mental wellbeing is the foundation that your porn addiction recovery is built on.
When you live with an out-of-control sexual behavior, your behaviors hijack your mind. Whether you prefer porn, masturbation, sex, chat sites, cam sites, OnlyFans, escorts, your compulsive behavior distorts your thinking capabilities.
Your out-of-control sexual behavior leads you to develop irrational thinking patterns and severely limits your choices. Couple this with a misaligned set of values and you begin to see the very terrible personal, spiritual, social, and even legal problems that your behavior can cause.
Building mental reboot capital begins with increasing your knowledge about your addictive behavior. You do this by what you’re already doing – reading this blog. You can expand your knowledge by listening to the Porn Reboot podcast, watching videos on our YouTube channel, or engaging with brothers in the free Facebook group.
Further growth comes from challenging your distorted thinking patterns and beliefs. Reestablishing your values is one of the quickest ways to build mental reboot capital. Having a strong values system provides you with a guide for developing every other area of your reboot capital. Knowing the values you prefer to live by clears up any lingering confusion.
You’re going to experience times during your reboot when you feel compelled to relax a bit. You’ll want to let off the gas pedal and set the cruise control. For example, take the holiday season that just passed. Everyone around you is taking it easy and relaxing but you’re still starting your day with a morning routine, getting into the gym, and staying connected with your accountability partners. You wonder why you should have to work so hard while your friends and family check out for the rest of the year.
These are the times your mental reboot capital is most important. If anything, your reboot routine becomes even more crucial during these periods. While there’s nothing wrong with relaxing, taking your foot off the gas pedal is the first way to send yourself into a relapse cycle.
Mental reboot capital helps you remember why you started your reboot in the first place. It reminds you of the importance of building reboot capital in every area of your life. Your mental reboot capital keeps you on the path during the moments you question whether your out-of-control behavior was really “that big of a deal.”
Truth is, brother, you’re not like your friends and family. Sure, you may have plenty of things in common. But if they don’t also have a problem with porn, sex, and masturbation, they don’t have to adhere to the same structure as you. Your pursuit of a porn-free life means you must completely change your perspective and rewire your brain.
There will also be times when you feel challenged and overwhelmed. You’re going to have days where the motivation to move forward simply isn’t there. Building mental reboot capital strengthens you during these days, too. You won’t feel inspired every day but your mental porn addiction counseling program will keep you going when these moments inevitably arise.
Having a deep acceptance of your problem with porn, sex, and masturbation, understanding why it happens, and recognizing how to get out of it are all components of your mental wellbeing. As you work on these aspects of your reboot, your mental reboot capital will grow. Stay committed to the process, brother, and you’ll find yourself able to handle these lulls when they arise!
“I’m feeling sad that I missed my hookup phase. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 with the girl I’m still currently with. I’m now about to turn 27. This issue has been weighing on me for a while. I’m starting to realize that porn made me feel like I would still get to have sex with a variety of women. I love my girlfriend very much but there is no getting around the fact that I still want to have sex with other women.
“I feel like I have two options. One, I can accept that she’s the only girl I will ever have sex with and potentially regret that. Or two, I could leave her in favor of living out the hookup phase that I feel like I missed out on, but I may regret that later on. I don’t want to lose her just so I can have casual sex with women that may not even be as great as I imagine.
“Will I be able to make peace with the fact that she’s the only one I will be with, or will I have to accept this unfading feeling of regret? I’m frustrated with myself for not sacking up and being with some women while I was younger, before getting into a serious relationship. Does anyone have any advice?”
This brother brings a great question to the table. It’s something lots of men who get married while young find themselves feeling once they end their out-of-control behavior. If you missed the hookup stage of your life, you likely compensated for it with porn and masturbation. But once you remove these things, you’re faced with the reality of your choices.
Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer this question. Input from some of the brothers in the program may help but you’re the one who must live with your decision for the rest of your life. It’s useful to talk to men in similar situations and hear their experiences. However, no one is exactly like you and you need to choose for yourself.
First, I want to point out that pornography isn’t the reason you want to have sex with many women. Biology is responsible for that. Biologically speaking, you’re wired to spread your genes by fertilizing as many females as possible. Unfortunately, pornography hijacked this natural mechanism and magnified it to an unrealistic point.
Second, this brother mentions that he missed his “hookup phase.” I want to point out that there are brothers in the porn addiction recovery group in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s who are having sex with multiple women. Your “hookup phase” is only over when you decide that it is. Our brother is only 27 – far from missing the window for having casual sex.
Personally, I don’t believe it is wrong to sleep with multiple women as long as you’re not leading anyone astray or being dishonest about your intentions. While some men see casual sex as an empty and unfulfilling engagement, I see it as the exact opposite. I never felt empty after having sex with a woman I wasn’t dating; I felt masculine, powerful, and primal.
I’ve now been in a relationship with a woman for 12 years, though, and have left my casual sex days behind. It’s not because I’m no longer attracted to other women but I was ready for the next season of my life. I made the conscious decision to let go of casual sex in favor of this next phase.
I had some time in my life when I had wild encounters with different women. It was a great time exploring myself through these different experiences. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. But I also reached a point where I was ready to leave those escapades behind because I found a woman who was worth letting go of those casual relationships for.
No one could tell me what the right decision or right timing was. Only I could determine that for myself. Through the porn addiction counseling process, I learned what was true for me and that enabled me to make choices that I feel no regrets about.
I assure you it’s not as late as you think. There isn’t only one woman in the world who is right for you. If you believe you’ll live the rest of your life regretting not engaging with more women, take the risk and experience it. Unless you’re married with kids you likely don’t have much to lose.
If that doesn’t sit well with you, though, then coming to terms with your situation doesn’t have to be filled with regret either. Pour yourself into building a deeper relationship and a stronger sense of intimacy with your partner. It’s likely you haven’t even scratched the surface of what you can develop together.
There is no right or wrong answer to feeling like you missed the hookup phase; there is only the answer that works for your particular situation. Don’t let the opinions or judgments of others get in the way of what you know to be true for you. As you progress in your reboot, the truth will be made clear to you and you’ll know which direction to go.
Until then, brother, you can find support in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can throw yourself into building different areas of your reboot capital. There is so much more to life than sex. You have so many opportunities and experiences awaiting you. Don’t neglect those as you wait for clarity on this one part!
We’re in the middle of a small series on the concept of reboot capital. Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
Today I want to continue last week’s post on emotional reboot capital. Getting in touch with your emotions and learning to identify them is one of the greatest challenges of your early reboot.
There is one emotion, in particular, that tends to stand out as men start feeling their feelings again: anger.
Anger is one of the most common emotions in men dealing with out-of-control sexual behavior. Oftentimes therapists will teach men to “let out their anger” as long as they again learn to “manage it.”
Sure, this may be true, but encouraging that early in your reboot is like handing a hand grenade to a child. You have no experience controlling strong emotions. Leaning into an emotion as intense as anger can lead to an explosive and even dangerous outcome.
Anger is a normal experience. You’re not a bad person because you’re walking around feeling angry most of the time. Many men who had no experience with anger issues before find that they feel incredible rage when they first start the reboot process. You’re not to blame for the anger that swells up during the early days of your reboot.
You are, however, responsible for learning to control it. If you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery you must not let your anger control you. It’s one of the most powerful relapse triggers, right after fear, shame, and doubt. Controlling your anger begins with understanding the causes of it and how it works.
Most men use porn and masturbation to suppress anger issues early in life. They pushed this emotion down deep instead of allowing it to run its course. Like all suppressed emotions, the anger comes out tenfold when it’s finally given some space.
Anger is like any other emotion, such as joy. It’s neither good nor bad. What makes anger bad is the poor ways that people tend to handle it. When you use it as an excuse to fly off the handle and end up in a rage, anger is bad. When you add on the internal challenges of guilt, depression, burnout, loneliness, and paranoia, it only adds fuel to the fire.
Some of the main causes of anger include:
Fear
Irrational beliefs
Unrealistic expectations
Uncommunicated needs
Every time you have an expectation that goes unmet or a false belief that you seek proof for, it triggers the anger deep within you. As you progress through your reboot you’ll naturally work through each of these areas. You’ll learn to face your fear. You’ll learn to challenge your irrational beliefs. You’ll learn to drop your unrealistic expectations. You’ll learn to speak up about your needs.
In the meantime, though, incorporating some things can help you avoid and work through anger. You spent years anesthetizing your emotions with porn, sex, and masturbation. Now that you no longer have these “tools”, what can you do instead?
I recommend starting with exercise. Regular exercise is an effective way to free yourself of pent-up frustration through the natural release of endorphins. When you feel that anger rise inside, go for a long walk, lift weights at the gym, shoot some hoops at the basketball court. Find a form of exercise that works for you and implement it – it will make more of a difference than you can imagine.
Next, keep a journal of the things that trigger you. What are the events, situations, people, and circumstances that cause the anger? What are some other feelings that come up during these moments? Writing is a crucial tool to use when learning to work through anger and other emotions, not only at the start of your reboot but throughout it.
Mindfulness meditation is another helpful practice to incorporate when you’re starting to work through your anger. The practice of mindfulness involves being present in the moment and paying attention to what’s going on around you. It also involves not sinking into or dwelling in your feelings. Instead, you observe them and then let them pass by.
Anger is a normal part of life, brother, and learning to live with it will make your porn addiction counseling much more successful. These three practices, exercise, journaling, and mindfulness, are each an antidote to your anger. The more often you incorporate each one, the easier it will be to work through anger when it arises.
However, if you choose not to involve practices to address your anger it will contribute much distress and unhappiness in your life. You leave yourself more at risk of relapse, you’ll treat others poorly, and you’ll continue to struggle. If you want to find freedom from your out-of-control behavior, finding freedom from anger is a vital part of the process.
Some things I often see in the Porn Reboot group are:
“I slipped on Twitter.”
“I slipped on Reddit.”
“I slipped on YouTube.”
“For some reason, I can’t stay off social media and I keep slipping.”
If you can’t stay off social media and you continue slipping because of it, brother, I have a hard pill for you to swallow. You’re either a trial rebooter, you lack self-discipline, or you’re lazy. There’s no other way around it. If you won’t remove the thing that’s keeping you trapped in the cycle of porn addiction problems then you have a problem on your hands.
A man who is fully committed to his reboot will recognize when things are more of a hindrance than a help. They will let go of whatever gets in between them and their reboot success. They’re willing to make complete lifestyle changes to avoid ever falling into the cycle of compulsive porn, sex, and masturbation again.
Social media makes it easy to numb out and not think about what’s going on in your life. When you cut out porn you might find that you replace it with endlessly scrolling on Instagram or Facebook or some other social media platform. Whether you realize it or not, you’re doing the same thing with social media that you did with porn, sex, and masturbation: you’re running from pain.
Our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot system is simple but it is not easy. It requires your complete willingness to give up your old thoughts, beliefs, and ideas so you can replace them with newer, healthier, more helpful thinking patterns and habits. Scrolling through social media is another way of disconnecting from the world, especially if it’s leading you to slip.
No one needs social media. It hardly existed 20 years ago. But now it’s become an expected part of engaging with others and it can feel impossible to let go of. However, if it’s getting in the way of your reboot then it will be more than worth the effort to remove it for as long as necessary.
Some brothers are part of the Porn Reboot Facebook group, though, and need the support that the group provides. I know that’s the case for me. If it weren’t for our group I’d never be on Facebook. But it’s a necessary evil so I can stay in contact with all the brothers looking for help.
If you find that social media is problematic for you it might be time to cut it out. If you’re part of our Facebook group, there are a few steps you can take to eliminate all distractions aside from the group itself.
Install a browser plugin or extension that eliminates your Facebook feed. I have one that replaces my entire feed with a single positive quote. Every time I log in all I see is a new quote for the day.
Schedule your Facebook use and limit it to once per day, or twice if you asked for some support and need to check back on your post.
Remove everything from your Facebook profile that does not bring value to your life.
Practice deleting social media from your phone every so often. Disconnecting from the need to feel constantly connected is a great way to reframe your relationship with social media.
Ultimately, social media is a tool. It’s a tool that has grown into an incredible behemoth over the last two decades, but it’s a tool nonetheless. If you choose to use it as such you can receive great benefits from it. But if you allow that tool to control you and determine when you use it, it’s far from helpful.
If social media is too difficult or distracting, it’s best to take some time away from it. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and trying again once your behavior is under control. You may even find that what you gain from social media isn’t worth the trade-off of the freedom you feel when you remove it. Ultimately, the best solution for you is the one that supports your successful reboot.
