Is that hard for you to believe? If so, you aren’t alone. A brother in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group heard it on another YouTube channel and brought it to our group. He was having trouble wrapping his head around the idea that sex isn’t necessarily the thing to strive for. The way he sees it, men strive to work and generate wealth so they can attract women into their lives.
I notice this a lot with men who are still early on in their reboot. If you’re thinking this way you’re not the only one, but it also indicates where you’re at in your reboot. When men first start their reboot, they believe they need to experience a lot of novelty relationships with different women in order to feel satisfied.
Now don’t get me wrong – you’re biologically wired to think this way. At the same time, your pornography addiction destroyed your natural biological functioning over the years and left you thinking that sex is the end goal. It creates the false idea that your whole purpose as a man is to have sex with women. This seems to be especially true if you are a man who isn’t particularly successful with women to begin with.
I want to make it clear that I don’t believe having sex with a variety of beautiful women is a bad thing. In fact, I think it’s a wonderful thing and it’s something that I experienced and enjoyed before my committed relationship. If you don’t have any cultural or religious beliefs holding you back from that, go ahead and explore that aspect of life as a man if you would like to.
At the same time, don’t think that simply generating wealth and becoming a high-value man will automatically give you opportunities to have sex. There are plenty of men with little to no capital who can still pull women because they’re high-value in their own way. You don’t have to be a wealthy man to sleep with women.
As you progress in your reboot, you’ll start realizing that sex for the sake of sex isn’t necessarily success. Porn wants you to think that sex is the greatest thing you can get but there are far more important things to work for. But once you’re free from your porn addiction symptoms you can create your own definition of what success is.
Instead of building wealth to pull women, why don’t you build wealth to pursue freedom? Wealth provides you with freedom to live where you want, freedom of time, freedom from depending on others, freedom to pursue things you’re truly interested in, and more.
Success doesn’t necessarily mean wealth, either. Plenty of men define success by the quality of the family they have, by keeping their relationship strong, and by raising confident, independent children. Others view success through the lens of their spiritual or religious pursuits and draw a great sense of joy and purpose from them.
Another great definition of success is giving back and being of service. I’m one of those people who finds deep fulfillment in helping others. Now that I’ve overcome my compulsive sexual behavior, there are plenty of times I’m interested in being of service than I am in having sex.
Sure, sex will come as a byproduct of your success and there’s nothing wrong with that. But pursuing sex as the end goal or the definition of success will leave you feeling empty and hollow. Sex for the sake of sex is a biological need but it’s far from fulfilling when it’s the only pursuit in your life. Pursue things that interest you instead and you’ll find much more contentment in life. After that, sex will simply be an added bonus.
You see it on inspirational Instagram influencers’ pages, hear it in TedTalks, and read it in just about every self-help book you could ever pick up.
But it’s my thought for the day and it’s important so I need you to stick with me.
Sexually compulsive behavior erodes your value system over time. It deteriorates the values introduced to you and built up by your society, religion, family, culture, and so on. Many of us were exposed to pornography at a very young age so we learned feelings of shame and guilt early on. Those feelings carried into our teenage years and adulthood and have lingered ever since.
How do you put together a sturdy set of values when your perception is skewed? Where do you begin when you’re still filled with guilt and shame after losing control of one of your most basic instincts at a very young age? What do you do to establish a strong foundation and build up your values again?
A Quote From Sir Richard Francis Burton
Sir Richard Francis Burton was a British explorer who lived during the 19th century. He’s credited with discovering areas throughout Asia, Africa, and the Americas. Burton is also well-known for being a polyglot, meaning he spoke multiple languages fluently. His historical resume is impressive and did a lot of incredible things during his lifetime.
I read a biography about him one time and found a quote in the book that has stuck with me ever since:
“Do what thy manhood bids thee do, from no one but self expect applause. He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws.”
Now, bear in mind before you continue, Sir Richard Francis Burton was a racist. There’s no denying his awfully racist beliefs. Morally speaking, he’s nowhere close to being a role model, a mentor, or someone whose main ideas you should adhere to. But when it comes to courage, there’s a lot you can learn from him.
If you can learn to expect applause from no one but yourself, you become unstoppable. There’s no groveling for the attention or approval of others. You don’t need to look to anyone else for validation when you can validate yourself. This is the first step toward re-developing the self confidence and self-esteem that you lost long ago.
Admittedly, there are all kinds of definitions of noble. Again, it’s undeniable that Burton was a racist. His self-made laws included abhorrent beliefs about people of African descent. Still, he had a solid set of self-made laws he lived by unapologetically.
Create Your Own Laws
You have to make your own laws to live by. I don’t mean live a lawless life full of adultery and killing; those are not noble pursuits. What I mean is you need to set your own standards while you’re rebooting because you have a long way to go to get beyond average.
Men who develop pornography addiction early on fall behind as they grow up. Trying to measure yourself by the success and standards of your peers will leave you feeling less than and not good enough. And you need to move beyond the status quo, anyways. You have a lot to make up for after squandering the gift of life you’ve been given.
Men also have different ideas of what happiness and success look like. For some, having a wife and kids is the pinnacle of a well-lived life. For others, building a successful business and creating jobs is the ultimate goal to work toward. Don’t look externally for a set of standards to live by; determine them for yourself and start working toward them.
Be Wary of What Testosterone Bids You To Do
The first part of that quote is shaky ground for men who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior. You can never fight against your biology but you must be wary of what testosterone would have you do. The standards and values you develop should be far from the things that led you down the path of pornography addiction.
Run your urges through your filters and talk them over with an accountability partner. While you always need to follow your self-made laws at the end of the day, you should also be cautious when it comes to laws about your sexual behavior.
Take Honest Stock Of Your Life
Where are you at in life right now? How are you doing? Take a moment to consider this and answer honestly. If you look around and realize you’re not living a good life, it’s time to make some changes. You might be poor, lazy, or weak. Maybe you don’t feel masculine or you’re constantly envious of other men.
So ask yourself, what does your manhood bid you do?
For me, my manhood bids me work hard so I can live the life I want to and not be broke. My manhood bids me take care of my aging parents and my family. My manhood bids me work hard in the gym so I can stay strong, in shape, and have a good physique. My manhood bids me continue building a strong relationship with my long-term partner.
My manhood also bids me help men like you in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot program who are trying to overcome their out-of-control sexual behavior. My self-made laws center around helping other men out of the same predicament I found myself in all those years ago.
When I base my life around these self-made laws, I feel like I’m on the right path and heading in the right direction. I never question the way I’m going because I’ve made and am now keeping my self-made laws.
Now it’s your turn. What are your self-made laws and how do you plan to keep them? It’s time to get to work, brother. We’re in pursuit of a noble life.
Having a purpose is a necessity while you’re rebooting.
Stagnation is one of the main causes of your problem with pornography. You had nothing else driving you in life to keep you from your continued engagement with your behavior. If you don’t find a purpose while rebooting, it won’t take long for you to fall back into your old behaviors.
But how can you find your purpose if you have no idea what it is?
When men ask me about finding their purpose, they’re often alluding to something deep within them. It’s something that comes from an unquestionable place of consciousness. It’s the firm understanding of what you’re supposed to be doing with your life.
There are certain conditions under which your soul will reveal your purpose to you, that unquestionable and unshakable truth that comes up from within you. You need to reach a place of peace, trust, truth, and authenticity within yourself before your purpose will be revealed.
When you’re dealing with something like pornography addiction, that leads to the opposite of those conditions. Nothing about pornography is real. It’s not a real way of dealing with your problems. It’s not real intimacy. So how can you expect to find your purpose when you’re stuck in the cycle of pornography addiction?
Your purpose won’t reveal itself the moment you decide to reboot. It won’t suddenly become clear after you have a week free from pornography. But if you commit to the system, focus on your reboot, and adhere to the path, you’ll create that ideal environment within yourself. After that, your soul and your consciousness will take care of the rest for you.
I’ve got a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot implementation group for you today. He asked:
“What do I do when I’m going on long vacations, when I’m traveling, or moving to a place for a long period of time? How do I manage my reboot under these circumstances?”
When answering this question I thought about it from the perspective of men who are either married or in committed relationships. These men make up an important segment of the group so I wanted to address this in regards to their situation specifically. So if you’re part of that group, this could be helpful for you. So how to stop porn addiction in this case?
Don’t Neglect Your Reboot
You may have spent months building up a solid routine while in the comfort of your everyday environment. As soon as you go out of town, though, it doesn’t often take long for those things to fall by the wayside. It’s easy to get caught up in your trip and distracted when you’re traveling for business or on vacation. But this is a fast track to a slip or relapse.
One of the primary principles of the Porn Reboot system is that everything in your life must revolve around your reboot during the beginning stages. Your reboot comes before everything: your business, your relationships, your friendships, and even your family. Your reboot must be your priority if you want to set a solid foundation to rebuild your life.
This includes going on vacation. It doesn’t matter whether it’s for business or pleasure; you must not neglect your reboot when traveling. If you want to remain porn-free your reboot must remain at the forefront of your mind.
Plan Ahead
Planning is crucial if you want to manage your reboot while traveling. Slips and relapses are more likely to happen when you aren’t prepared. Unexpected stressors can lead you back to compulsive sexual behavior or watching porn when you’re still early in your reboot.
Planning includes making calls to men in the group and setting up times to check in with your accountability partners. Let your trusted friends know that you’ll be away for a few days and that you might need some additional on-call support. You can also set a curfew and ask someone to hold you to that time. Don’t neglect your morning routine and other reboot essentials, either.
Bring a Picture Of Your Spouse
This may sound a little cheesy but it’s something I still use because I find that it works: bring along a framed picture of your spouse and place it next to your bed. Keep it there so you can remember that you have someone important to you back home who is trusting in you to stay the course and continue with your reboot.
You may even want to print out a couple of photos to keep them on hand. And I mean it when I say print them – having a digital format on your phone doesn’t count. Having a physical photo of your significant other provides a tactile reminder of one of the important reasons you’re committed to rebooting.
Get On a Call With Your Coach or Therapist
Be sure to connect with your coach or therapist before you leave for your trip. This is especially important if it’s your first time traveling after starting your reboot. Use that time to unpack any underlying fears or hesitations that arise when you’re thinking about being away. Talking through these concerns with your therapist or coach will put you in the right headspace as you go out of town.
Don’t Fall Victim to Environmental Triggers
If you’re staying in a hotel, call the front desk and ask them to disconnect the cable in your room. You don’t need the added pressure of television offering an endless supply of risqué channels and pay-per-view videos for you to avoid. Ensuring the television is disconnected before you even arrive eliminates this potential trigger.
Be aware of other environmental triggers you may be exposed to. For example, if one of your old behaviors involved visiting massage parlors or hiring escorts, recognize that the temptation may come up. Make sure your plan involves alternative activities if these triggers or temptations arise.
Avoid Isolating Yourself
The best thing you can do to manage reboot while traveling is to avoid isolation. It’s easier to convince yourself that something is okay when you don’t run that idea by anyone else. If you’re connected with other men in the group and your accountability partners, though, it’s harder to rationalize things that aren’t aligned with your reboot.
No matter what you do, don’t isolate yourself entirely while traveling. Call your trusted brothers, check in with the Facebook group, and don’t spend too much time on your own. The more you’re surrounded by people with your best interests at heart, the more likely you are to make it through your travels unscathed.
It warps your perception and twists your mind over time. It’s a difficult addiction to live with and learning to control your sexual behavior is no easy feat. But just because it’s a challenge doesn’t mean that it’s impossible.
The Porn Reboot system is the result of overcoming my behavior with pornography. Thousands of men have used it to control their out-of-control behavior as well. We make up some of the greatest success stories when it comes to porn addiction effects and compulsive sexual behavior.
Over the years I’ve noticed that porn addiction plays tricks on men as they work through the Porn Reboot system. It tells them different things that simply aren’t true. These tricks are your addict mind’s attempt to push you back into behaviors that aren’t good for you.
How does porn addiction try to lie to you as you work to overcome it?
You’ll Think You’re Not Getting Better
Porn addiction will have you believing that you’re not making any progress or getting better. It doesn’t matter which system you use, whether it’s Porn Reboot or another system; the experience is the same. Your porn addiction will try to trick you into thinking that you’re not making any changes in your life.
You’re consistent. You’re putting in the work. You’re doing your morning routine, having dialogues, and staying accountable. In many cases, you haven’t even slipped or relapsed. But you’ll still find yourself feeling like the system you’re using isn’t doing anything. This can happen to you at any point during your early reboot, whether you’re at 60 days, 90 days, 120 days, or even a year in.
The moment you fall for this, though, you’re mentally done with whatever system you’re using. You could be working with a therapist, attending a 12-step program, or using the Porn Reboot system, but the moment you buy into this trick you’re done. You’ll believe you haven’t made progress and that it’s too challenging.
But here’s the thing: you ARE making progress. If you have a morning routine, are conversing with men in the group, staying accountable, and starting to make changes, you’re progressing. It’s easy to overlook this progress when you’re in the middle of it but it’s happening.
A good way to determine your progress is to look to those around you. Seek some input from the people who are important to you. Maybe it’s your good friends, your parents, your girlfriend, or your spouse. They have a good understanding of who you are and where you’ve come from. They’ll have the best insight into how well you’re doing.
If these people notice a change in you then it means something is happening. You might not be able to see the changes because you live with yourself every day but trust those who care about you; they’ll have your best interest at heart and more realistic insight on whether you’re getting better.
You’ll Believe You Aren’t Smart Enough
Porn addiction will try to trick you into thinking that you’re not smart enough to reboot. It’ll have you believing that rebooting is an intensive process and requires a lot of intelligence to be successful.
This is another trick, brother. It is a flat-out lie. Rebooting is a simple process. The Porn Reboot system specifically is a very straightforward process. Sure, we have hundreds of videos, blog posts, podcast episodes, and more. It might seem like there’s an intricate, complicated procedure behind the whole thing. But there isn’t.
When you find yourself thinking that the reboot process is too complex, you’ve likely ingested too much information. You probably consumed too much content and haven’t applied enough of it to your life. It’s not bad to watch videos, read posts, or listen to podcasts, but at some point, you need to bring it into the real world.
Rebooting isn’t about being smart, it’s about making changes in your behavior that lead to overcoming porn addiction. Simple. If you’re at the point where you believe you’re not smart enough to reboot, you need to take a step back from learning new information. It’s time to lay off of it for a few days and put some of what you’ve already learned into practice instead.
Stick With the Porn Reboot System
The best thing you can do when your mind starts telling you these lies is to keep doing what you’re already doing. Our Porn Reboot system isn’t just about quitting porn; it’s about rebooting your entire life. While your porn addiction wants to keep you trapped in its grips with these tricks, you’re in the process of moving far beyond your out-of-control behavior.
Stick to your morning routine. Continue journaling and getting exercise. Don’t give up on the process before it progresses past habits and into a complete lifestyle change. If you’re doing the work, you’re on the right track. Keep going, brother – you’re doing the right thing.
I most often talk about rebooting in terms of rewiring your brain.
You have to rewire your brain if you want to be successful in your reboot. But pornography addiction affects far more than your brain chemistry and thought processes alone. Rebooting includes hitting the reset button on all the aspects of your life that your out-of-control sexual behavior affected.
Today I want to cover the ten attributes you need to be successful in your reboot. I’ve covered these things before but this list is a bit different than usual. I put it together because I often have a lot of men ask me how to determine whether they’re making progress in their reboot. They aren’t sure when they cross from early stages into later stages. They’re looking for changes to mark their progress by. So today I want to give that to you.
1. Values and Standards
Determining your values and standards is the first requirement for a successful reboot. You might think you have them already, but are they set in stone? Do you have them written down? Do you know what you’re willing to sacrifice for them? What are you willing to give up to adhere to your values and standards?
Think about it. When you experienced strong urges in the past, your values and standards would shift to accommodate whatever urges arose. They changed according to the circumstances that came up. The only values and standards you had up to this point were those that fulfilled your need for instant gratification. You need to have a solid understanding of your values and standards before you can ever be successful in your reboot.
2. Strong Boundaries
People often think about setting boundaries in terms of other people. They think it’s placing limits on who you spend time with or how you allow people to treat you. While this is an accurate understanding of boundaries, they also encompass more than that. You must set boundaries not only with the people you hang out with but with the places you go or activities you participate in.
Let’s say you’re an individual who often relapses when you smoke weed or drink alcohol. There’s a very real possibility you may have to give up marijuana or alcohol if you want your reboot to be successful. But if you refuse to give these things up and set strong boundaries, you remain stuck in the reboot and relapse cycle until you’re ready.
3. Awareness
The next thing you need to be successful in your reboot is awareness. Not only self-awareness but a general awareness of both your emotions and feelings as well as the science behind this behavior. You should have emotional and intellectual awareness regarding your behavior with pornography. You also need a basic understanding of psychology, of things like trauma, unresolved issues, abandonment, and neglect.
This awareness allows you to simultaneously understand that your feelings and emotions are not only a result of things happening at the surface, but they’re also the result of neurochemical reactions in your brain. Having a deeper understanding and awareness of what’s going on in your brain makes it easier to deal with things as they arise.
4. Accountability
Accountability is a crucial part of every successful reboot. You can’t reboot in a vacuum; you need input from other men who have been where you are. Lots of men point to a lack of accountability when dissecting what happened before they relapsed. Avoid this pitfall by finding accountability partners early and stay in contact with them.
At the same time, you also need to be accountable to yourself. You’re a grown man. You shouldn’t have to rely on another grown man to remind you that your behavior is out of control. It’s good to have accountability partners to lean on when times are tough but at the end of the day, your ultimate goal is to be accountable to yourself.
5. Self-Discipline
I view self-discipline as having the ability to restrain and repress your instincts in favor of doing things that are beneficial to you in the long run. When you start your reboot, you’re going to have an extreme lack of self-discipline. You’ve operated on the principle of instant gratification for years.
Your pornography use and compulsive sexual behavior damaged your prefrontal cortex. Over time you’re going to have to develop self-discipline. You don’t have to stress out about it, though. It will happen naturally as you follow the system and your brain rewires.
6. Patience
Patience doesn’t come easily to men who constantly succumb to instant gratification. If you want to be successful, though, you need to develop patience. You’re not going to feel a massive sudden shift. There are no quick fixes in learning how to stop porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. It takes time to reboot.
Sure, you can change some of your habits and lay a solid foundation in 90 days. But you won’t rewire your brain or change your entire lifestyle in that short period. It takes more than a year to create lasting change. You must be patient if you want to be successful in your reboot.
7. Open-Mindedness
Every man comes into the Porn Reboot program with preconceived notions. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your background is; everyone has a set of assumptions and ideas they need to break down. You have to be willing to let go of some of your false beliefs about what recovery should be.
There is no one path to recovery. As you go through your reboot, you’ll be exposed to things other than the Porn Reboot system. There are plenty of useful resources outside of our system that may help you along the way. Remain open-minded to alternatives while still understanding the need to stick to a system that works for you.
8. Truth
Porn addicts are liars. I don’t care who you are or how honest you believe yourself to be. Every porn addict is a liar. The act of hiding your behavior itself is a lie. Pornography addiction and compulsive behavior come with a lot of shame and guilt. So overcoming these behaviors means you must learn to be honest.
Even after you’ve gained control over your sexual behavior, you probably still have a tendency to lie. You must learn to tell the truth if you want to be successful in your reboot, not only to others but most importantly to yourself.
9. Love
There is nothing loving about pornography. Even the love involved in some of the fake storylines is empty. Pornography lacks intimacy and connection. Over time, consuming lots of porn, especially aggressive or violent porn, kills the love you have for your fellow human beings. How can you watch people being hurt then go tuck your kid into bed or tell your partner you love them?
Building up your capacity to love again is vital for a successful reboot. It won’t happen all at once. It needs to be worked on. It’s easier to work on when you come out of isolation, start speaking to others again, and connect with a community of people where love is already present, such as the Porn Reboot Facebook group.
10. Stoicism
All kinds of things will happen during your reboot. Life doesn’t take a pause because you decided to end your behavior with pornography. There will be ups and downs along the journey to controlling your behavior and rewiring your brain. You will have rough days, you’ll feel insulted, you’re going to reach breaking points at times. You must learn to get through these things without turning back to pornography.
Learning to be stoic is an incredible gift. It means you observe what’s happening in life without attaching to the events or assigning emotional meaning to them. You develop a calm within you as you face the world around you. I’m not suggesting that you have to become a perfect being of enlightenment but honing this quality will make you more successful in your reboot.
Determining Your Reboot Progress
How many of these attributes can you say you have? Maybe you’re successful with a few of them and are working your way toward the others. Write this list down and store it somewhere you can see it. It provides a good gauge for how you’re doing in your reboot and which areas you need to continue working on.
Rebooting is an ongoing process. There is no “end point”. A successful rebooter never ends his quest to better himself and the world around him. So where are you at in your reboot?
If you interpret certain experiences as beneficial, then your brain will generate positive emotions when those experiences come up again. Conversely, if you interpret an experience as negative, your brain generates negative emotions when you have a similar experience.
Let’s say you’re an independent consultant, made the mistake of taking on too many clients, and failed at delivering certain tasks. Some of your clients decided to terminate their agreements with you because you failed to deliver.
Later on, you again find yourself in a similar situation where you have too many clients and not enough time to complete the work. Your brain will still conclude that you’re going to end up with more terminated agreements, even if you haven’t lost the client or even failed to deliver yet.
These negative emotions aren’t necessarily bad because they let you assess your current situation. But the benefits of those emotions depend on how you choose to interpret them. If you give in to the negativity then you’ll inevitably lose your clients. If you instead let it push you to find alternative solutions, you may find yourself with a bigger business and increased income.
The same thing applies to your out-of-control sexual behavior. There are two main things you experience: the strong urge to watch porn or act out on your behavior, and the feeling of powerlessness over those urges. How you interpret these two feelings has everything to do with your success in your reboot.
When you experience strong urges to act out, you can either interpret it as a normal male desire or you can recognize that you’re different from other men. The first interpretation serves as an excuse to continue acting out on your compulsions. The second interpretation helps you realize that you can’t carry yourself the same way as most other men.
Realizing that you need to take a different approach to these urges keeps you from internalizing that urge. You understand that it has no bearing on your worth as a person. It doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible partner. It simply means that you have a predisposition to compulsive sexual behavior and you need to use tools to deal with those urges.
When it comes to feelings of powerlessness, you also have two choices. You can view yourself as hopelessly addicted to pornography with no choice in the matter, or you can view yourself as a man who has aporn addiction problems but who can make a decision for himself whether he’ll act on his impulses or not.
You don’t have to fall into self-pity or believe that you’re the victim of some unfair hand that life dealt you. You’re not powerless over your pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. It takes work to reach a place where you can interpret your strong sexual urges in a positive way rather than a negative one, but it’s very possible to get there.
The less you allow your sexual urges to control you, the more successful you will be with your reboot. It’ll be a difficult but rewarding experience because you know the freedom that awaits you on the other side of rebooting. You’re more than capable of controlling your urges, brother, and we’re here to help you along the way.
