The word addiction tends to bring a negative connotation to the mind. The fact of the matter is that the negative consequences of addictive behavior are of concern. One such negative consequence is that it prevents you from paying attention to anything or anyone else. For instance, what starts as a keen interest in pornography turns into an obsession with porn to the exclusion of all else.
Virtual versus real-life
Ideally, a sexual relationship, with the operative word being relationship, requires that you engage with another individual to express interest, affection, respect, and a healthy attitude towards sharing those feelings.
This would be the real-life scenario. However, with pornography, you are on your own with just a video for excitement. Moreover, there is no communication leave alone an expression of affection. Added to these aspects is the exaggerated albeit artificial enhancements and responses.
Unfortunately, the result of too much pornography is that fantasy begins to overshadow reality. People addicted to pornography begin to look to themselves for pleasure instead of seeking it with a partner. If you are in a relationship, a certain amount of guilt and shame also creep in.
If you are single, you become more and more withdrawn erasing the human need for companionship. Like all addictions, porn addiction can become so pervasive that you start experimenting with extreme pornography to recapture what you once experienced with basic porn.
Acknowledge the addiction
The road to recovery starts with recognizing that you have an addiction. When your partner and friends step away from you for the total lack of attention you show them, when you find yourself unable to stop yourself from turning to porn, when it affects your work, and family responsibilities, you know you have a problem. In short, you now have a problem.
Get help for your porn addiction
There need be neither shame nor fear in seeking help. In fact, it is the brave ones that acknowledge the need for help and are willing to ask for it. Organizations the world over offer support programs and guide you through the recovery process be it from co-dependent relationships, substance abuse, or addiction to pornography.
Addiction is an area that needs expert and professional guidance, and a person can rarely get over an addiction by themselves. Qualified and trained professionals can take you through the entire process and be there to lift you up if you slip. Their purpose is to free you from the addiction and shore up your self-esteem and erase your guilt.
You are not alone
Remember that you are not alone. You do not have to handle the addiction on your own. Accept that it is a hard thing to overcome and seek professional help. Once you start working on your problem, you can pat yourself on the back for having reached out and getting started on the road to recovery.
How often do you have sex? If it’s not often I think that needs to change.
Now, I know not everyone is going to agree with my beliefs. You might even think I’m encouraging some people to push their boundaries by recommending that you have a lot of sex. But having sex is an important thing for you as a man and it’s something you need to address.
When you were stuck in your addiction and problems with compulsive masturbation, you likely ended up putting actual sex on the back burner. Sure, it was something that was on your radar but you were busy wrapped up in your fantasy world of pornography.
Now that you’re in the process of rewiring your brain it’s time to look at your relationship with sex. Real sex, not pornography sex. Why do I think you should have lots of it? I’m going to cover a few reasons that I’ve realized during my years of working with men in the Porn Reboot program.
Why You Avoid Sex
Over the years I’ve learned that a lot of men do not prioritize sex for a variety of reasons. Your avoidance usually falls into one of three categories:
Conservative or religious upbringing
Societal reasons
Loss of confidence
Conservative or Religious Upbringing
Men who grow up in a conservative or religious household tend to adopt restrictive views on sex. They believe they need to wait until they’re in a committed relationship or they’re married. They need to achieve a certain level of stability before they can start forming sexual relationships.
Societal Reasons
Some men who live in a society where it’s frowned upon to have casual sex also develop limiting beliefs about sex. They’re surrounded by people who insist that sex is something that needs to be taken seriously, not casually.
Loss of Confidence
Finally, the third group tends to be men who lost confidence in their ability to have sex. They’ve struggled with their behavior for so long that their feelings of guilt and shame are too great. Their lack of self-confidence transformed into de-prioritizing sex for one reason or another, whether due to rejection, porn-induced erectile dysfunction, or something else.
Sex is As Old As Time
We wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for sex. Our civilization would not exist. The majority of the world’s population wasn’t made in a petri dish, after all. People have had sex for thousands and thousands of years. It might seem obvious but it’s true. There’s nothing wrong with or bad about sex in general; it’s necessary for humanity to continue.
But it’s odd that the same society that exists as a result of sex also diminishes it. Society carries many limiting or flat-out false beliefs about sex that hold men back from following through on their urges. What are some of these false beliefs?
Why Your Understanding of Sex Might Be Wrong
Our society built a bunch of ideas around sex to control the way you think and behave. Some of these ideas do come from a logical place. For example, it’s not the best idea to go around having a ton of unprotected sex. You can get sick or you can pass something onto someone else. But if you’re safe and responsible about your behavior, there’s nothing wrong with having sex.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the compulsive sexual behaviors that got you here in the first place. If having sex is part of your out-of-control behavior you need to address that issue first. But if you’re simply a man with a high sex drive who wants to have a lot of it, that doesn’t make you a freak, a nympho, an addict, or any of those labels people use.
Another misunderstanding is the idea that if you’re truly in love with someone you don’t have to have sex all the time. If you’re not having sex with your partner then something is wrong. Sexual urges are part of a healthy relationship and are nothing to be ashamed of. When you’re with a partner who insists you don’t need to have as much sex as long as you’re in love, it might be time to re-evaluate that relationship.
You Don’t Need To Avoid Sex During Your Reboot
I talk with a lot of men at the beginning of their reboot who believe they need to avoid sex entirely. Unless your compulsive behaviors involved problematic or compulsive sex, you can absolutely have sex during your reboot. Whether it’s with your girlfriend, your wife, or casual relationships with women, you can still have sex while going through your reboot.
At the same time, it’s important to learn how to be intimate. I’ve talked before about the problems that pornography creates in terms of how we view women. You should be actively working on your reboot and cultivating awareness as you start engaging in sexual relationships with women again. But you shouldn’t feel like you need to avoid it or be entirely abstinent during your reboot.
If you don’t struggle with compulsive sex as part of your out-of-control behavior, I don’t see any benefit to abstinence. Sex on its own is a healthy and beautiful thing, a necessary part of being human. I see too many men trained to stay away from sex because of this negative spin on it. They see it as something shameful or dirty, not something that is a natural desire.
As you work through your reboot, getting connected with your sexuality is part of the progression. If you have the opportunity to have healthy and intimate sex, you definitely should. And I also want you to know that if you’re a man who’s avoiding sex for religious reasons, you shouldn’t feel pressured to partake, either.
My point is you shouldn’t allow the beliefs of others to hijack your personal belief system. Every man needs to determine how sex fits into his life based on his own beliefs and morals. You should decide for yourself whether casual sex is going to be a part of your experience and you shouldn’t feel ashamed if you decide if it’s for you.
Too many people hold onto false beliefs that keep them from trying things they want to try. Whether it’s something their parents told them when they were young, the religion they grew up in, or societal expectations in general, people hold themselves back from experiences in life.
When I was younger, my mom raised my siblings and me to believe we needed to build simple lives for ourselves. She insisted we didn’t need to chase after big things. A good spouse, some kids, and a little house were all we needed to have a good life in her mind.
The religion I was raised in insisted that we shouldn’t have sex with multiple people. Women who have sex with too many men and men who have sex with too many women are committing a sin and immoral in the mind of God.
Society taught me that the same applied to amassing wealth. The more material things I gained, the more I’d grow attached to them, and the more unhappy I’d become as a result. I’m not supposed to want material things in life because it’s going to lead me down a path of misery.
How are you currently trying to achieve happiness? What are you doing that you think will lead you to feel happy? Are you basing your happiness on when/then ideas?
“When I’m in a relationship, then I’ll be happy.”
“When I’m financially stable, then I’ll be happy.”
“When I build a family, then I’ll be happy.”
“When I gain control over my urges, then I’ll be happy.”
You make these agreements with yourself that you’ll feel happy once you accomplish these things, but there are two problems with that way of thinking.
There’s no guarantee that you’ll feel happy once you arrive.
Happiness is a byproduct of experiences, not a destination to reach. It’s like those sayings you hear about life being all about the journey, not about the destination. You might think it’s cheesy but it’s true. If you don’t stop to enjoy the process you’re going to miss the entire point of your life.
Life is still going on as you pursue your goals whether you’re paying attention or not. Every day you’re alive presents an opportunity to be very grateful. There are precious little moments in your everyday existence that you overlook too often, distracted by your long-term pursuits.
I believe that you can achieve happiness and have optimal mental health without having all the material things you’re chasing after. You don’t need to have a bunch of sex, a nice car, a nice house, a full family, or whatever it is you think you want. You can’t buy or sleep or date your way to happiness. You can be happy before ever achieving any of those things.
At the same time, that doesn’t mean the pursuit of these material things is wrong. There’s nothing bad about sleeping with different women, working to make money, or trying to build a family. All of these experiences add joy and depth to your life. But you can’t base your happiness around any of these things because, again, nothing is guaranteed.
Denying Yourself Leads To Misery, Too
You also can’t neglect material things as a result of your false beliefs. Making yourself a martyr and denying yourself pleasures in life is only going to make you miserable, too. It’s not an all-or-nothing thing.
For example, I speak with men who had strong urges to sleep with different women when they were younger. Various things keep them from acting on these desires, from religion to family to society. So they don’t follow through on it but that doesn’t mean the urges go away, either.
Once they’ve grown older and their sex drive drops off, the desires are still there. They had these urges they never acted on and now have to come to terms with the opportunities they missed. These men tried pushing their urges away but now he’s left feeling unfulfilled and in pain as he processes that truth.
I did the same thing, too. I was the same type of man when I started my reboot. As my brain rewired, though, I examined certain beliefs and realized they weren’t my own. I knew I adopted them early in life and carried them up to that point. So I made the decision to go out and act on these urges I had, to “get it out of my system” in a way.
I spent a two-year period going out there and fulfilling most of my desires, all the things I thought I wanted from pornography. The interesting thing was I quickly discerned fantasy from reality as a result of my own experience rather than what someone told me. I learned it’s much different when I’m doing something for myself rather than relying on the experiences of others.
I certainly had my share of negative learning experiences along the way, don’t get me wrong. But what it did for me was allow me to come to terms with what my true urges and desires are, and it gave me a realistic view of them. I found it easier to do those things myself and then go back and draw my conclusions from my experiences.
Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late
Don’t take my word for it, go out and experience it yourself. There’s no better teacher than your own experiences, after all. And this doesn’t only apply to sexual desires and urges. I applied the same practices to my beliefs about finances and relationships, too.
The most important thing is that you don’t wait until it’s too late. Don’t allow false beliefs about happiness to get in the way of you trying things for yourself. You don’t want to be in your 60s or 70s wishing you had done things differently while you still had time.
Realize that there’s plenty out there waiting for you to go and experience it. The things you deny yourself when you’re young become your prison when you’re older. Don’t automatically adopt the beliefs of others. Sit with yourself and question the things you consider to be true. Take responsibility for your life as you start to reboot and don’t leave yourself with regrets later in life!
I’m a huge advocate of getting your testosterone levels checked when you join the Porn Reboot system.
Spending months or years addicted to pornography leaves your testosterone levels in the dirt. I’ve helped hundreds of men realize how far off their levels are from normal. Low testosterone levels lead to dozens of problems like low energy, limited sex drive, poor emotional regulation, and more.
An effective reboot essentially means rewiring your brain. But how can you rewire your brain when your testosterone levels are so low? I’ll be the first to admit that biochemistry is a complex and complicated science. It’s far more intricate than I could explain to you in a blog post. But I do have a basic understanding of how it works in regards to testosterone levels and pornography addiction.
There are a few different chemicals that come into play during your reboot. Today I want to focus on dopamine, prolactin, and cortisol. Of course, there are plenty more things involved in your compulsive behavior, these are the four I want to keep it to for now. How can manipulating these chemicals lead to higher levels of testosterone?
Prolactin
Let’s start with prolactin. Prolactin is the chemical released every time you orgasm. Whether that’s an orgasm due to intercourse or an orgasm due to masturbation, prolactin is released. It’s the chemical that leaves you feeling laidback, lazy, and chill.
These increased levels of prolactin in your system are part of what has you feeling unmotivated during the early days of your reboot. If you’ve been jerking off every single day for months or years, there are exorbitant amounts of it circulating in your system. High prolactin levels also mean lower testosterone levels. It’s no wonder your testosterone levels are so low when your prolactin levels are so high.
As you start controlling your out-of-control behaviors, the high concentrations of prolactin will dissipate. You’re not masturbating multiple times per day so you’re draining your testosterone. This means you’re going to feel more motivated during the day to stick to your new reboot skills.
Dopamine
Dopamine is that feel-good chemical that everyone wants to experience. It’s part of the reward system that got you trapped in the pornography cycle in the first place. But dopamine isn’t the enemy and you can find healthier ways to harness its power.
Studies have shown that the higher your testosterone levels are, the more dopamine your brain will release throughout the day. This isn’t the case when you’re lounging around and stroking one out but it does apply to healthier outlets for dopamine release.
For example, when you’re trying to be a high performer and hit your goals, testosterone and dopamine work in tandem. You’re going to feel an incredible amount of accomplishment, and thus a dopamine release when you finish a difficult task or complete a hard project.
Cortisol
Cortisol is the chemical released whenever you’re feeling stressed. I do want to admit that I have an admittedly non-scientific definition of stress, but I also find that it applies to many of the men in our Porn Reboot group.
I see stress as the feeling that results when you want to do two things at the same time.
Let’s say you’re working on one project but you’re distracted by the deadline attached to something else you want to do. If you haven’t mastered how to focus your attention on managing one task at a time, you’re going to worry about both things at once.
You send your cortisol levels off the charts when you let yourself stay in a state of stress, frustration, and anger. But having elevated cortisol levels lowers your testosterone, too. If you’re running around stressed out all the time you’re leaving yourself open to low testosterone levels. Mitigating stress is a crucial part of controlling your testosterone.
Use Your Biology to Change Your Behavior
The Porn Reboot program is based around working with your biology to change your behavior, not against it. But I don’t dive too deep into the biochemistry of your reboot. I know all these chemicals are at play but I’m also not here to overcomplicate it or overwhelm you. You want to control your behavior with pornography and masturbation and I’m here to help.
Porn Reboot equips you with the tools, coping skills, and strategies you need to leave your struggles with pornography behind. We help you address your struggles and overcome them so you can build the life you’ve been working toward. You reconnect with that high-performing man you’re capable of becoming, free from the grips of pornography addiction.
You also don’t have to do this on your own. There is an entire group of people in the Porn Reboot system sharing their struggles and ready to help you. Want to take the next step to control your out-of-control behavior? Join us today.
I have a good question from the group for you today.
First, I want to point out that this brother of ours has some good starts to his self-awareness. He realizes it isn’t the system’s fault and he also realizes that there’s something he’s doing wrong. But he can’t quite make the connection, so he reached out for help, just like I encourage all of you to do. He asked:
I’ve been in a cycle of relapsing about once a week for the last month. Every time I do, I add new barriers that I didn’t know would be issues, so I change things in my daily life to face the last problem. I’ve tried meditation, self-dialogue, different tools from the system, and things like that.
Even though I’m making progress, I still face an intense urge to take a break and look back at something that inevitably leads to relapse. Clearly, something is wrong with my approach because I’m still dealing with it. I feel that I would have to depend on willpower to face this going forward. What are some ways I can use the system to control my urges?
You can tell this brother is still early in his journey. He’s made a lot of progress but he still has a ways to go in terms of controlling his regular relapses. One common thing I see for men at the start of their reboot is this pattern of rewarding progress. What do I mean?
You know you’re making progress in your reboot because you’re journaling. You’re recording daily wins because it helps reinforce the rewiring process. Now, say you’ve been very disciplined for a week or two, then your brain tells you that you deserve a reward for your commitment. This leaves you with the urge to take a break.
For our brother, and maybe for you, too, this means a slip back into his out-of-control behavior. He’s rewarding his discipline by sliding backward which is completely counter-productive. But it does make sense in a way.
Think about someone who has never been a runner but wants to train for a 5K race. They start by alternating walking and running for a few minutes at a time. Eventually, they can run half-miles at a time. After a few weeks, they’re running full miles without stopping.
But some days during their runs, their brain pipes up and says, “Oh man, that’s too much of an effort. I’m not going to be able to run a full mile.” Bear in mind they’ve run a mile before, but their mind comes up with all these excuses for why it can’t happen and why they should take it easy.
They’re still not accustomed to running these longer distances. They know they can do it but they’re so early into the process that they talk themselves out of it. And the same thing applies to our brother’s reboot, and maybe to yours.
He knows he can remain disciplined because he’s done it before, but he convinces himself that his slips are okay. What he needs to do is properly train his mind until he can make it through these rocky periods.
Say something you struggle with is working a full day. Your ability to remain focused and disciplined is little to nothing at the beginning. You might tell yourself you can work two or three hours straight, but if you haven’t trained yourself to do this you’re going to relapse.
Instead of setting out to work hours at a time, break your work into 30- or 45-minute blocks and take a small break. Make sure that break involves doing something healthy such as taking a walk, reading a chapter of a book, meditating, or stretching. Then get back into your work. It’s about managing your energy levels through the day, recognizing that your brain is not where it could optimally be.
Remember, there’s a neurological impact that results from pornography addiction. You’ve given in to the pull of instant gratification time and time again. You’re used to the constant distractions and on-demand dopamine release. And you can’t just cut it out right away on command. You have to rewire everything you’ve spent years developing.
That’s something else I noticed in our brother’s question. He mentioned the need to “win over” his urges. This isn’t a battle to be fought, though. It’s not anything to be won. Winning implies that you’re fighting, and fighting means you’re working against your brain. We work with your brain in the Porn Reboot system and that’s what sets us apart.
You’re going to develop tons of practical tools and skills you can incorporate into your life. For example, the time blocks I talked about above, I make use of in my life today. I break my day down into blocks of time because it’s how I stay productive for long periods. These things I teach in the Porn Reboot program are things I’ve incorporated into my lifestyle over the years.
Rather than fighting these urges, I want you to observe them. I want you to watch what’s taking place and practice cultivating awareness. You don’t need to attach to every thought or feeling that flies through your mind; you are not a victim of your emotions and urges.
Again, though, this doesn’t happen all at once. You’re not going to learn it overnight. It takes time. Be patient with yourself and be patient with the process. Remember that it takes up to 90 days of consistent application to make a successful start. Then it takes a year and a half to two years for your brain to fully rewire.
There are a few basic principles I want you to keep in mind today: progress over perfection and working with your brain, not against it. Be patient with yourself, brother. It’s not a battle but an entire change in your life.
As men, we’re commonly raised to believe we can’t ask for help.
We’re told we should be able to handle whatever life throws at us and remain strong and stoic throughout it. There’s more of a push now for men to share their feelings, but that doesn’t immediately undo all the years we’ve been taught to stuff things down.
That’s left many men feeling hopeless but unable to ask for help. If you want to be successful in your reboot, you have to know how to ask for help. You need to learn to put aside your ego and reach out to other men in the group. A simple post can release a lot of pressure and shame you’re feeling.
A couple of big things are holding you back in your reboot. You’re not going to make the progress you hope for until you overcome these issues, either. How are you getting in your own way during your reboot?
You’re Not Helpless
Something I’ve noticed with some men in the group is this attitude of learned helplessness. They’ve taken on a challenging task and are having a hard time, so they hold the belief that they’re helpless and can’t do it.
Sometimes men are raised like this. They have parents who bailed them out whenever they had problems. If you got into trouble or had a difficult time, someone was always there to help. So you became this adult who always needs help and relies on others to get him through whatever he’s facing.
I know this because I used to be that kind of guy, too. My mom bailed me out of a lot of things when I was younger. Even the littlest things like not having money for gas, she would send me $20 or more. I was dependent on her kindness in my late teens and became this helpless young man who couldn’t do things on his own.
The problem with this, aside from the glaring neediness of being a helpless adult man, is that it spills into every area of your life.
I remember one of my good friends finally pointing it out to me. I was complaining to him one night about my problems, about a woman who flaked on a date and how challenging things were in my life at the time. And I remember him stopping me and saying, “Dude, why are you complaining about this, man? Why don’t you just figure it out?”
That was the best thing he could have done for me.
And that’s my point, brother. Sometimes you need to put your ego aside and ask for help. But there’s a difference between sticking to this helpless mindset and asking for help.
Don’t Sell Yourself Short
I know sometimes when you first end up in the system that you feel out of place and aren’t sure what you’re doing. You have a hard time figuring things out and it seems like there’s something you aren’t implementing. The idea of overcoming your out-of-control behavior is so daunting that you can’t imagine you could be doing it right.
But I’m here to tell you that you’re probably doing better than you believe you are.
You might find yourself in a place where you feel like you’ve plateaued. Maybe you used to slip every day but now you’re slipping every two weeks. Even if it has been going on for two months, it takes 90 days alone just to learn how to control your behavior. And remember that it takes a year and a half to two years to fully rewire your brain.
I’ve written before about the way I prefer to view slips. Too many men look at slips and relapses as a moral issue or personal failure. Don’t attach these labels and emotions to them, though. Look at slips as data. Break them down and look at why they happened. Use them as opportunities to build your awareness.
Then implement the right coping strategies to deal with your slips. Continue practicing the tools and skills you learn in the Porn Reboot system. Don’t use your steps back as a reason to give up completely. That’s what helpless men do. Instead, look at them as an opportunity for learning and growth.
Accept that you’re not going to be perfect at the very beginning. It’s going to take time for you to learn the skills you need to rewire your brain and control your out-of-control behavior. But don’t sell yourself short before you’ve given yourself a real chance.
Recognize that you’re going to need some help, move forward knowing that you’re going to make mistakes, and watch how much your life will shift. You have so much awaiting you if you only give yourself the chance to make the change. Join us in the Porn Reboot group today and reach out. You don’t have to deal with your addiction alone, ever again.
We had a great question in the Porn Reboot group the other day from a brother grappling with a range of things.
We usually get direct questions about specific topics but our brother had a few different questions running through his head. It’s a long question but it covers a lot of important points. He said:
“I’ve been struggling with escort sites and forums over the past two weeks and I’ve been getting hooked on it. This novelty thing is so strong it gives me a rush so I slipped to it last night. I’ve also been negotiating my boundaries with social media, YouTube, and online tabloids.
I recently watched a video of yours where you explained that average men don’t quit pornography. I recognize that I tend to limit myself. Since I read a lot about spirituality and incorporate these practices in my life, I have this belief that I don’t need to be a high performer or have a lot of money. All I need to do is be present.
However, I still want to be disciplined to achieve my goals and pursue my career. Of course, these conflicting beliefs, especially when it comes to quitting porn, are kind of driving me crazy. I know it sounds silly but these are the things I’ve been thinking about. What are some of your ideas on this?”
I’m going to break this one down piece by piece.
Average Men Don’t Quit Pornography
If you want to end your compulsive behavior, you cannot live like an average individual for a certain amount of time. That simply means there are certain things you’re going to see your friends do that you might not be able to participate in. These friends may not have the same struggles that you have so their particular habits and lifestyle don’t affect them the same way as you.
For instance, some of your friends can wake up in the morning, roll out of bed, and start their day. You don’t have that luxury because you have to anchor your day. They are going to go through their day and maybe get upset or angry at a certain point, but their response won’t be the same as yours. Watching pornography has always been your response to these emotions.
This is why you must take time in the morning to center yourself every day. You can’t just get out of bed and go straight into your day. Your morning recovery time helps you learn to manage your emotional responses and replace old coping mechanisms with new ones.
There are plenty of other common habits and behaviors your friends have that you need to leave behind for some time. These are things like watching your self-talk, being aware of the things you put into your body, avoiding excessive drinking, exercising daily, and more. Average men can’t commit to life changes like these. That’s why they can’t quit porn.
Escort Sites
Our brother’s concern with escort sites is simple. If you find yourself visiting escort or erotica sites, or any other site that triggers you or sexually arouses you, it’s no different than visiting a pornography site.
If you’re arguing in your mind or justifying it by telling yourself that it’s not porn, all you’re doing is rationalizing your behavior. It’s simply cognitive dissonance and a way for you to avoid taking responsibility for what’s happening.
It doesn’t matter whether you slip to an erotica site or pornography; the damage has already been done to your brain. You’re activating that same harmful neural pathway that drags you down time and time again. Leave the escort sites behind.
Spirituality
Our brother also talks about incorporating spiritual books and practices into his life, but there’s an important caveat. He specifically mentioned reading a lot of books on spirituality. Truth is, spirituality has little to do with books. I’ve noticed lots of men who consume these books and digest them intellectually, but do little to bring these practices into their real lives.
I used to be like that in my late teens and early twenties, too. Men who consume these books and intellectualize them rather than practice them tend to have a conflicting understanding of what spirituality means. These men are the ones who wonder if they become better people for giving up their pursuit for material things.
This gentleman and many others, have bought into the belief that being spiritual requires you to discard all material pursuits. There’s this idea that you have one of two choices. Firstly, you can give up all worldly pleasures and become a monk. Or you can live in the material world, achieve material goals, but lack any sort of spirituality.
This simply isn’t true! As long as you’re not attached to your material possessions, material success and spirituality can coexist. It’s possible. You don’t need to confine yourself to a temple or monastery for the rest of your life to achieve spirituality. You can live a life based on spiritual principles while still pursuing your goals and having success.
Overcoming His Obstacles
Something I noticed from this brother’s question is that he lacks mentioning any solution. He doesn’t speak about boundaries, he never mentions accountability, he didn’t talk about identifying triggers or self-care. This post is more of a report that he’s been acting out without offering any constructive steps.
At the same time, there’s room to grow because this post reveals his victim mindset. If this brother wants to overcome these obstacles, and if you’re struggling with the same type of problems, you need to overcome your victim mindset.
You’re not a victim to your circumstances and you don’t lack control in your life. There are many things you can do to overcome the things you’re struggling with and we outline them all here at Porn Reboot. There’s nothing wrong with feeling stuck and asking for help, but you also need to recognize where you’re at fault.
Start asking yourself some questions. Where is your accountability? Which triggers cropped up that caused you to act out? What does your self-care look like right now? How are your boundaries holding up? Why did you break the boundaries you have in place and what are you going to do to make them stronger next time?
If you’re still having a hard time answering these questions on your own, come join us in the Porn Reboot group. We support each other and lift one another while providing honest feedback and accountability. You can’t make much progress in your reboot without reaching out for help. Come build your community with us today!
Today I want to talk about something I don’t address often enough: you cannot live like a civilian when you’re in your reboot.
If you’re not familiar with what I mean by civilian, it’s the way we in the Porn Reboot system refer to average guys struggling with porn and masturbation. These are the men who don’t know that they have a problem or can’t figure out how to quit.
Civilians are the men who don’t get enough sleep but still hit the snooze button. They’re the men who wake up in the middle of the night with a hard-on and jerk off before going back to bed. Maybe they have porn-induced erectile dysfunction or feel depressed every day. But these men are ignorant of the fact that their lives are falling apart because of their behavior.
This is what I call the civilian, brothers. And you can’t afford to do that.
Don’t Be a “Trial Rebooter”
Too many men are what I think of as “trial rebooters.” They’re trial rebooters because while they want to quit their compulsive behavior, they also want to be a civilian. They want to stay up late playing video games or watching Netflix. They want to hit the snooze button in the morning. They want to skip a day at the gym. They want to eat sugar and carbs all day long.
But then they wonder why they can’t quit their compulsive behaviors with porn and masturbation. They can’t do it because they haven’t committed to getting rid of the things that keep them average. And this is because this lifestyle isn’t for everyone.
Does this apply to you? Have you considered the possibility that you truly can give these things up? You don’t have to live your life chained to your behaviors and at the will of your compulsive sexual behavior. You can refuse to be a trial rebooter, to be an average man who won’t take control of his life.
Commit to Being a High Performer
Even if you believe this lifestyle isn’t for you, you can become something you thought you never could be. You can commit to being a high performer. And when you finally decide to make that commitment, you’re going to change your entire life.
This means you become the guy who comes home with the energy to be fully engaged with your children and be intimate with your wife later in the night. You have the discipline to wake up in the morning and get a workout in. You develop the excitement for life to get up, go out, and crush the day.
Men who first arrive at the Porn Reboot program are often high-performing men that lost direction along the way. They’re ambitious men who simply need to learn a new set of behaviors and recommit to being the high performers they already are.
Are You Average?
Look at where you’re at right now. Are you okay with the direction your life is heading? Or do you want to make a change while you still can? If today was your last day, with the way you’re living right now, what would you be doing? What are you contributing? How are you living?
Are you addicted to sugar and video games and porn? Are you hooked on Reddit and Twitter? Are you scrolling through social media, watching video after video as your life slips away? What kind of life is that?
Take responsibility for your life. Get your finances together. Have kids and take care of your family. Go on adventures. See the world. Get into an exercise routine that you enjoy. Do something worthwhile with the beautiful life you’ve been given. Don’t waste it jerking off and playing video games all day.
Make the decision to no longer be a civilian today. You cannot afford to do that if you want to end your behavior. If you make that decision and you come into the group committed, no matter how many times you fall, I’ve got your back. The brothers in the Porn Reboot system have your back, too. Make the choice to be responsible for your life and we’ll meet you there.
Having a relapse prevention plan is crucial if you plan to overcome your compulsive sexual behavior.
You need to have some things in place to protect yourself from the inevitable triggers and temptations that arise. If you already have a relapse prevention plan that’s a great start. However, your relapse prevention plan isn’t going to work unless you have these things.
There are three stages involved in a relapse: emotional, mental, and physical. You can use behavioral and cognitive coping strategies to manage the first two stages. But once you get into the physical stage of your relapse it’s impossible to turn back time. So how can you get your relapse prevention plan to work for you?
1. You need to be motivated
I’m not a big fan of external forms of motivation where people tell you what to do. This includes inspirational books, motivational videos, and all other types of external encouragement. There’s nothing wrong with receiving support but these outside motivators are not sustainable and don’t lead to lasting change.
I find that the best form of motivation is reminding yourself of the negative consequences. I often say that men end their behaviors with porn and masturbation for one of three reasons: out of love, out of duty, or out of fear.
Men who end their behaviors out of love are concerned about losing their wife or girlfriend, or not being a good father to their children. Men who end their behavior out of duty are thinking of their duty to their family, business, or career. Men who end their behavior out of fear are worried about the material they watch or behaviors they act on putting them in trouble with authorities.
Remember the things you have to lose when you’re creating your relapse prevention plan. Looming consequences can be some of the strongest motivators.
2. You need awareness and mindfulness
Most relapse warning signs are unconscious. You don’t realize that they’re happening right away. It’s why you find yourself saying, “Dude, the next thing I knew I had an orgasm even though I swore hours before that I wasn’t going to do it.”
It’s unconscious. But you can build up the skills to become mindful and aware of when these thoughts arise. Mindfulness and awareness are critical tools you need in your relapse prevention toolkit. You can think about your thinking when you decide to practice it.
We all want a magic pill. It’s part of the human condition to want the easiest way to do something or to arrive at the solution as fast as possible. But the truth is that it takes determination and willingness to overcome challenges and learn new skills.
You can’t just decide one day that you’re going to be aware. You have to practice it every day. Sometimes it feels like you’re not seeing results in your day-to-day life but you’ll notice a shift in your thinking over time. It’s something a lot of men don’t want to put the work into but will find that it makes an incredible difference when they do.
3. You need to be teachable
You have to be teachable if you want to overcome your problem with porn and masturbation. Too many men are too smart for their own good. Plenty of intelligent men who read a lot of books have a basic understanding of how porn addiction works. But their problem is they spend too much time consuming information and not enough time implementing practical solutions.
You might be one of these gentlemen who believes your solutions lie in these books. You’re stuck in the habit of watching tons of videos and listening to dozens of podcasts. You think you have all the answers you need. If this were true, though, you wouldn’t be stuck in the same cycle and looking for solutions.
You not only need to be open to new ideas but you need to be open to trying new things. Once you get the information, you need to implement it and notice the results. Being teachable isn’t just about consuming new information, it’s about implementing that knowledge into your real life.
I’m going to keep it short and sweet today. I don’t know who needs to read this but I feel the need to share it today:
You are a winner.
Our world was thrown into chaos over a year ago. Everything we knew was pushed to the side and replaced with an overwhelming sense of uncertainty. I remember it like it was yesterday, wondering whether things would ever be the same again.
Men who had made incredible progress in their reboot were certain they would relapse. They feared they’d go back to their behaviors in a worse way than they had before. They were emotionally crushed, lost focus, and retreated into a sense of apathy. Many lost relationships during the last year that they thought they’d be in forever.
But many pulled through successfully. Whether you slipped or not, you made it to this point today. You took your self-care to another level, stepped up, and led your family and loved ones by example. You released limiting beliefs and you took responsibility for your life. Despite setbacks, slips, or relapses, you kept coming back.
You were the man who found wins within the most hopeless of situations, situations where no one could possibly believe there was a win. You’re part of a community of men who are stronger than they ever believed possible, who supported each other during the last year of incredible pain, struggle, and fear.
You emerged as a winner. I’m proud of the progress you made over the past 12 months. No matter where you’re at in your reboot, you’re still here. You’re going to continue working hard and stepping into the space you’re supposed to be. And I look forward to seeing it.
