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J.K Emezi

Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot

I want to bring you a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group today. He asked:

“My girlfriend and I decided that to protect her heart, I don’t share anything about my reboot slip-ups unless she specifically asks exactly what she wants to know. Sometimes when we’re catching up about our days, though, I’ll have acted out that day. Like she’ll ask how my midday nap was but I watched porn instead of taking a nap. I feel horrible lying to her but I want to keep our agreement. How do I handle this?”

This is a fantastic question because it’s something many men in committed relationships deal with during their reboot. Many spouses and partners of men with a porn addiction problem experience extreme betrayal trauma. 

When a man first ends his out-of-control behavior with porn, sometimes his spouse wants to know where he is going and what he is doing at all times. She wants to know whether he’s still watching porn, what type of porn, or what the women he’s watching look like. These women feel unbelievably hurt and for good reason. 

This brother’s question means he and his girlfriend are in a good position given the situation. She is aware of his out-of-control behavior and he understands how his behavior hurts her. It sounds like she’s allowing him enough space to work on his reboot without her getting too invested or involved.

However, it also sounds like this brother is someone trapped by the idea that he needs to be honest at all costs. I don’t hold to this belief, especially when it comes to the reboot process. I don’t believe you should lie to your partner but I also don’t think you need to tell her about every slip that occurs.

I think you should have a conversation with her upfront instead. Let her know that slips are often part of the reboot process but you don’t want to put her in the middle of things. Explain that you have a coach, a therapist, and accountability partners to work through those slips with. Tell her you understand that she didn’t sign up to be your accountability partner, nor did she sign up to be hurt. Acknowledge the damage you’ve done and help her see how talking with her about any future slips will only do more harm than good.

If you’re honest about the possibility of slips from the beginning, it eliminates the need to feel like you’re lying by omission. You shouldn’t drag your partner through the weeds every time you slip; it’s your responsibility to fix it and keep her from dealing with the repercussions of your behavior.

Find a way to discuss situations like the one our brother outlined above without bringing up the slip. For example, he could tell her that he had a lot on his mind when he laid down so he wasn’t able to go to sleep. 

He doesn’t need to bring up watching porn because it’s ultimately irrelevant. He should talk about the emotions that led up to the slip instead. Perhaps he was tired from the gym or stressed about an intense workload. He could bring these things up and talk them through with his girlfriend so he is honest without needing to talk about his slip.

I recommend you do the same in your relationship, brother. It’s not your partner’s burden to bear, it’s yours. You must find a way to work on your behavior without stringing her along through the process. You don’t need to be completely transparent about every slip but you do need to let her in on what’s going on.

Knowing the fine balance of how much to share is something you learn during the reboot process. Over time you won’t deal with slips as frequently, either, so you won’t have to keep skirting around the topic. The Porn Reboot system works, brother, and both you and your partner will benefit from the work you do.

 

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Moderate Masturbation: Navigating Urges in Your Journey

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By
Moderate Masturbation: Navigating Urges in Your Journey

About twice a month, I have conversations with different brothers in our intensive program who ask about masturbation in moderation.

It’s a common curiosity that many share. They’re usually men in the middle to late stage of their reboot who are starting to differentiate between normal, healthy sexual urges and urges caused by their out-of-control behavior. These men usually are not in a relationship but they are casually dating. 

You might have found yourself wondering the same thing at one point or another in your reboot: “Can I masturbate in moderation?”

Personally, I’m not an advocate for masturbation in moderation. When you have a history of pornography addiction, there’s a slim chance that you can masturbate without taking it too far. Some brothers are capable of it but you cannot find out in the early stages of your reboot, anyways. You won’t know whether your attempts are successful until your brain rewires. 

Men who are in the later stages of their reboot have a bit more leeway here, though. While masturbation in moderation doesn’t work for me, nor does it work for plenty of other men, I still try to handle the question on a case-by-case basis.

Typically I find that there’s something deeper at play when a brother brings this question up in our conversation. He might say, “I’m dating but I’m going through a dry spell right now,” or, “I’m in a long-distance relationship and she hasn’t been in town in a long time.” On the surface, this seems fine, but dig a bit further and oftentimes the real question is, “I’m afraid of being vulnerable with or risking rejection from a woman, so can I mask that pain with masturbation?”

Oftentimes brothers use the excuse of seasons when they ask me this question. They insist it’s a season for advancing their career or building their physique, and they don’t have time to dedicate themselves to finding a woman. However, it’s usually that they aren’t willing to risk getting vulnerable or being rejected so they would rather take the easy way out.

I hate to inform you, brother, but life doesn’t work the way that it does in porn. You don’t have instant access to hundreds of beautiful women whenever you want them. That sense of instant gratification instilled by your porn addiction symptoms takes time to overcome, but masturbation in moderation isn’t a technique that will help you get there.

I recommend learning to put yourself out there. I know it isn’t easy given the state of the dating world today. The apps are exhausting and women ghost left and right. It’s tiresome to feel like you’re trying all the time yet getting rejected constantly, but you must learn to experience pain without turning to pornography or masturbation to soothe it.

When you’re feeling like you want to masturbate in moderation, I suggest finding an alternative solution. Go hang out with some friends, join a club, sign up for a class at your local community center, participate in a rec league, get to the gym, read a book, or some other form of entertainment. 

Turning to masturbation as a way to self-soothe or pass the time is not an option for you anymore. You also must learn that you don’t have to submit to every sexual urge you experience. You shouldn’t give your urges that much power over you; your urges do not control you.

Once you learn to identify and handle your emotions properly, though, occasional masturbation may become an option for you. Some brothers are married or in serious relationships and their partner gets sick, is pregnant, or has some mental health struggles. Masturbation may be okay if it’s not within his morals to go out and have sex with another woman.

Again, I ultimately believe this is best considered on a case-by-case basis. Masturbation is not for men in their early reboot. It’s not for men looking to avoid emotional pain or vulnerability or the possibility of rejection. It’s not a way to pass the time or let off some steam. And if you’re not in a position to recognize why that’s the case, then masturbation in moderation probably isn’t for you yet, either.

 

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Visualization Superior to Goal Setting? Your Path to Success

Porn Addiction Recovery / By
Visualization Superior to Goal Setting? Finding Your Path to Success

I have another great question from a brother in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot group for you today. He asks:

“Hey, J.K. Does it make sense to set goals that don’t satisfy one or more components of the SMART system? My experience in the past shows me it’s possible to achieve goals using only visualization. In high school, I consumed a lot of Law of Attraction material that worked well and provided me with some crazy results. 

“Since I started following you, I’ve adopted your approach with the RES system. It’s nice to finally have a scientific explanation for my positive experiences with the Law of Attraction. So I’m wondering, do you believe visualization is superior to goal-setting?”

First off, this brother mentioned the SMART system for goal-setting. You’ve probably heard of some form of it before. It outlines a clear set of aspects that your goals should adhere to if you want them to be successful. A SMART goal is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Based.

Using these parameters to set goals is one of the most effective approaches. Too many people set arbitrary or subjective goals which leave them spinning in circles for months or weeks. However, using a SMART system to set goals ensures you can track your progress and determine precisely when you’ve accomplished them.

I’ve talked about the differences between goals, visualization, and fantasy in the past. It shows the clear distinction between each and helps you understand where you’re at in your approach to setting goals.

In my experience, though, I don’t use visualization when setting goals. I’m familiar with the concept of it and understand that it works for people, but it’s not something I use myself. I don’t use the SMART system to set goals, either. It was a primary approach for the sales organization I worked for before becoming a reboot coach, but it wasn’t something I used.

Instead, I look at goals in a very objective, realistic way. I break large goals down into smaller, actionable steps. I have 90-day goals, one-year goals, three-year goals, and five-year goals. I have a rough sketch of what I want the next few decades to look like and I have an outline of what I need to do to ensure that becomes a reality.

That doesn’t mean I’m married to my plans. I understand that life happens and things out of my control will always come up. I’m able and willing to adapt my goals and actions as needed to meet the demands of my current situation or circumstances. But using the unpredictable nature of life as an excuse not to set goals is a poor way to reject your personal responsibility.

While I don’t use visualization when setting my goals, I believe that it can be successful for others. I don’t believe it’s a superior approach, though; I simply believe that it’s one of many alternatives. There is no single path to setting goals or achieving them. There are many different approaches to the process and you need to determine which works best for you.

This brother prefers visualization but you may prefer the SMART system. You might find that my simple, realistic approach is a better fit for you. No matter which approach you choose, though, you must choose one. You’re not in a position to live a half-lived life. You were freed from the bondage of your out-of-control behavior and have the opportunity to rebuild your life into something incredible.

Take time using each approach to setting goals before deciding which is right for you. You may also find that one approach works in certain situations while a different is more effective in other circumstances. Whatever you do, don’t give up on setting goals. Don’t let yourself settle for a life void of progress and development. You’ve come too far to lose yourself to mediocrity, brother.

 

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Are You Scared to Ask For Sex?

Porn Addiction Effect / By
Are You Scared to Ask For Sex?

Sometimes brothers in the Porn Reboot program ask about masturbating in moderation. Maybe they just got out of a relationship or are going through a divorce. They might be traveling or neck-deep in projects for work and have very little free time. These men want to know if it’s possible to start masturbating again as long as it’s in moderation.

After working with men to end their out-of-control behavior for over a decade, I know what that question usually means. Is this a form of porn addiction effect ? On the surface, it’s about masturbation, but if you look below the facade it’s often a way to avoid facing rejection. Men who want to masturbate in moderation are more often than not using it as a way to keep from being vulnerable and rejected.

Vulnerability puts you at risk for emotional or physical pain. Your ability to step past the fear and be vulnerable in the face of pain is courage. Courage is a very masculine and attractive trait, and it’s something you’ll develop as you work through the reboot process. You’ll learn to identify emotions and become more comfortable with being vulnerable.

This doesn’t mean you’ll spill your emotions to a woman to seek validation. Vulnerability does not mean groveling before a woman in search of attention. It simply means you’ll be able to express your wants and needs without any extreme attachment to the outcome. 

Achieving sexual intimacy requires at least some level of vulnerability. You put yourself at risk of rejection whenever you make a move with a woman. This might be initiating sex with your spouse after a busy week or going in for the kiss with the woman sitting on your couch after a second date.

Ultimately, it’s your responsibility as the man to take the risk. The more you take these vulnerable risks, the more competence you gain. Over time you start to develop what I call “killer instinct,” or the knowledge of when it’s time to make a move and when it’s time to hold back. But that doesn’t come without a few mistakes and rejections along the way.

You might be scared to ask for sex, brother, and that’s okay. It’s nerve-wracking at first, especially when you’re just starting to put yourself out there again. The more you try it, though, the more comfortable you become. 

As you gain confidence through the Porn Reboot system our exclusive porn addiction recovery system, you’ll realize there are plenty of other women with whom you build relationships. After a while, it won’t feel like a big deal when a woman rejects you. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, it simply means she isn’t interested and you can move on to the next.

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Change Mindset: Overcoming Porn Addiction for a Better Life

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Change Mindset: Overcoming Porn Addiction for a Better Life

Brother, I want to talk to you about something that’s affecting a lot of men these days – porn addiction. I know it’s not an easy topic to discuss, but it’s important to address it because it can have a significant impact on your mental health and relationships.

Firstly, let’s talk about what porn addiction is. It’s a condition where a person has an uncontrollable urge to view pornography, often leading to compulsive and excessive use. Porn addiction can lead to a range of negative consequences, including relationship problems, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

Now, let’s talk about why porn addiction is so prevalent today. With the widespread availability of the internet and smartphones, accessing pornography has become easier than ever. Moreover, many people view pornography as a harmless and acceptable form of entertainment, not realizing the harm it can cause.

Let me level with you real quick. Porn addiction is a straight-up trap, my dude. It’s all fun and games until you find yourself deep in the rabbit hole, feeling like you can’t get out. You might think it’s harmless or just a way to blow off some steam, but let me tell you, it can mess you up big time.

First of all, let’s talk about your brain. When you’re watching porn, your brain releases a ton of dopamine, which is basically a chemical that makes you feel good. But the thing is, your brain gets used to this rush of dopamine, and it starts to crave it more and more. Before you know it, you’re addicted and you can’t get that same feeling from anything else.

And let’s not forget about the impact porn can have on your relationships, man. If you’re constantly watching porn, it can make you feel disconnected from your partner and can even lead to erectile dysfunction. Plus, it’s just not fair to your partner if you’re getting all your sexual needs met through a computer screen.

But maybe the scariest part of all is the way porn can warp your view of sex and relationships. Constantly seeing unrealistic images of men and women in pornography can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. It can make you believe that you’re not attractive or desirable enough, leading to further negative thoughts and behaviors.

So, what can you do about it? Well, the first step is to recognize that you have a problem. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re addicted to something, but it’s the only way you can start to make a change. From there, it’s all about taking small steps to break the addiction.

But the truth is that porn addiction is a serious problem that can have lasting effects on your well-being. Here are some of the ways that porn addiction can harm you:

Health problems

Porn addiction can also have physical health consequences. Excessive use can lead to problems such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and loss of libido. It can also lead to poor sleep patterns, fatigue, and other health issues.

Mental health problems

Porn addiction can also have a significant impact on your mental health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation and loneliness. It can also make it difficult to concentrate and perform well at work or school.

Hey man, if you’re feeling like porn has taken over your life, there are some things you can do to take control. Here are a few steps you can take:

First off, it’s important to admit to yourself that you have a problem. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the first step in overcoming any addiction.

Next, consider seeking professional help. There are plenty of resources out there, like therapy, support groups, and Porn Reboot, that can give you the guidance and support you need to make positive changes.

Developing healthy habits like exercise, meditation, and mindfulness can also be really helpful in coping with the stress and anxiety that can come with addiction. Plus, they’ll help you build a more positive self-image and improve your overall well-being.

It’s also important to try to limit your exposure to pornography. This might mean setting limits on your internet and smartphone usage or avoiding triggers like certain websites or social media accounts.

Finally, building a support network can make a big difference. Surrounding yourself with people who understand what you’re going through and support your journey can be a huge help. Joining a support group or online community can give you a sense of belonging and accountability. Remember, you’re not alone, brother.

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How to Be Happy: Finding Fulfillment In Problem-Solving

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
How to Be Happy: Finding Fulfillment In Problem-Solving

Early in the reboot process, you might find yourself wondering when things get better. You’ve spent years trapped in the vicious cycle of porn addiction problems and masturbation addiction. It’s no wonder you want to finally feel some relief. But at the same time, achieving that point of relief and happiness probably seems impossible some days.

I’ve spent 15 years working at my reboot now and I understand the rush to feel “happy.” When I first started ending my out-of-control behavior it had been so long since I felt truly happy. I had no idea what true happiness was, though, because I developed a false sense of fulfillment through porn, sex, and masturbation.

Too many men focus on achieving happiness as an end goal, not recognizing that their understanding of happiness will shift over time. I’ve found that the benchmark for happiness is arbitrary and fleeting and always changing. Things that you think will make you happy may not be what you thought they would be once you achieve them. 

At the start of my reboot, I believed that things would be perfect once I had my finances together, once I had the woman, once I had a social life, and once I controlled my sexual behavior. However, I realized as time went on that my belief that the elimination of problems would bring happiness wasn’t true. It’s almost as if problems are a prerequisite for happiness.

If there’s one promise in life it’s that problems will always arise. You can’t experience life to the fullest without also experiencing your fair share of problems. The elimination of all your problems isn’t the pathway to happiness because more will always crop up sooner or later. 

Also, think about how you feel when you solve a problem. It may be difficult at the moment, whether that’s a few days, weeks, or even years, but once you work through it you’re likely left feeling incredibly fulfilled. The sense of accomplishment that comes with solving a problem runs deeper than any fleeting sense of happiness ever could.

In my experience, pursuing this deep sense of fulfillment is far more meaningful and lasting than the pursuit of happiness. And I also find that over time, the fulfillment eventually becomes happiness. This means I believe that accepting the inevitability of problems is the first step to happiness.

Recognize the reality that you will never fully escape your problems. You’re always going to have them to some extent. Instead of fighting them, though, try accepting each one as it comes. Shift your perspective and see them as an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow.

The shift won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen easily. Men who struggle with compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation are always looking for an easy fix. I know that because I spent most of my early life doing the same thing. But quick fixes are not lasting fixes; they only put a bandaid over a wound that needs intensive care.

If you commit to shifting your beliefs about problem-solving, I guarantee you’ll find happiness much faster than the way you’re approaching it now. Sure, things like promotions, raises, having children, and going on trips are great ways to experience happiness. At the same time, once the excitement wears off you’ll find yourself back where you started.

Learning to appreciate the fulfillment of problem-solving and use it as my primary source of happiness has completely changed my life. I welcome the problems I know will inevitably arise and use them as an opportunity to better myself. There will always be a problem to solve; why not use it as the pathway to happiness?

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What to Do When You Hate Your Past

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
What to Do When You Hate Your Past

I have another question from a brother I want to bring to you today. He said,

“From what I understand, one of the goals of our middle reboot is to eventually cultivate a brand new sense of identity and embrace our new porn-free life. I believe that I’m still in this stage. However, do you ever look back at your past with strong emotions like pity or resentment for how you used to be? I’m having trouble reaching a place of compassion for how I used to be because today I see it as wildly repulsive and against my values.”

After talking with men for over a decade about overcoming their out-of-control behavior, I know how common this feeling is. Most men feel repulsed by their past selves at various points during their reboot. As you move further away from the man you once were, it’s normal to almost feel bad for that person.

No man wants to return to that dark and evil place from the past. It makes sense to think that way. But you’ll probably be surprised to hear that I don’t support looking at it this way at all. There’s some part of us that wants to see our past selves as evil people. 

In reality, though, that was never your intention. You didn’t set out to become an isolated, self-loathing man addicted to pornography and masturbation. That wasn’t your plan when you first stumbled upon a porn film or experienced an orgasm. You only wanted to feel that sense of pleasure and relief. Unfortunately, you chased that feeling for too long and reached a point where you lost control of your behavior.

Still, no matter what you did, that wasn’t what you set out to do. You aren’t the horrible person you believe yourself to be. And I think chastising yourself in this manner only serves to harm you, not help you. It does not make your reboot any easier.

You also needed that person to become who you are today. I don’t hate the old J.K. because if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I needed the darkness, the repulsive thoughts, and the abhorrent behavior to help the men that I get to help each day of my life now.

Shame and guilt are two very corrosive feelings. They are why you find yourself feeling the way you do about the past version of you. When you feel shame or guilt about the things you watched, places you went, or experiences you had, it makes you want to deny your old self.

You can’t brand the person you were in the past as evil and still think that you’ll become a good person in the future. If you do that, you’ll always want to keep your past hidden and suppressed. It will be the dirty secret you keep from the world, but how is that any different than when you were trapped in the cycle of your out-of-control behavior?

I’m not suggesting that you lead with the fact that you’re a porn addict. You don’t need to tell everyone you meet that you struggled with compulsive porn use and masturbation. But you also don’t need to hide from it either. You may find yourself in a position to help another man dealing with the same problem. But if you’re too busy engulfed in shame, you won’t use your experience to help him escape the cycle.

It might seem impossible to reach that place at times, especially when you first start in the Porn Reboot program. I’ve talked with hundreds of men and heard their deepest, darkest secrets. These are things they swore never to tell another soul because we know the black depths we can sink into during our pornography addictions.

Then after a few months of implementing the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system, I get to see these same men learn to love themselves despite their past. They embrace their flaws and accept the things they used to do instead of fighting against the reality of it. There is nothing more empowering than watching a man reclaim his life instead of letting his past life claim him.

Men come to the Porn Reboot program and learn to develop a set of standards and values that work for them. You don’t come here and adopt every thought, action, and behavior that I tell you to; you become empowered to find that truth for yourself. No one knows you better than you. The system equips you with the tools to determine what is right for you and to develop the confidence to stand on that deep sense of self-understanding without needing approval from anyone else.

I don’t leave you to figure it out all on your own, though. The Porn Reboot system includes tools you can use to embrace your past self. Self-compassion is a revolutionary approach that empowers you to view the old version of yourself with love and tolerance, not pity and hatred. Accepting your past is the only way to move forward in life, otherwise, your old behavior will still control you, even after you leave porn behind.

It’s an exciting thing to witness and I truly feel grateful for the experience. Selfishly, what I do makes my life worth it because I get a front-row seat to watch men overcome something I know the pain of struggling with. I never imagined I could overcome my pornography addiction and neither do many of the brothers I talk with every single day. But here we are years later living lives we only dreamed of.

When you have moments where you hate your past, brother, trust that it’s part of the process. We were all there at one point. As you learn to forgive yourself, though, you’ll find a new, beautiful life growing before your eyes. It takes time, work, determination, and dedication, but you’re now part of hundreds of men who have done and continue to do the same. It’s an incredible thing to experience, brother, and I can’t wait to see what you do.

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Men Who Refuse to Seek Professional Help

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Men Who Refuse to Seek Professional Help

This year marks 10 years of professionally coaching men toward freedom from pornography. I’ve seen all kinds of things throughout this last decade and I have a good idea of what happens to men who don’t seek professional help. I see the same brothers hitting me up for tips year after year but then doing nothing to change their life.

These brothers have been asking for help for ten years now. Some were 22 when I first heard from them, and now they’re 32 with a life that looks the same, or worse. Others were about to turn 40 and I warned them that this was their last shot to get their lives together, get into a relationship, and start a family. Today they’re 50 years old and still pitifully addicted to pornography.

We’re in a difficult time right now. The last few years were filled with adversity. The men who chose to control their behavior from the first time they reached out fared well throughout the chaos and uncertainty. Those who were focused, disciplined, and mentally strong continued to thrive during these times. 

However, men who used porn, sex, and masturbation as coping mechanisms may have survived, but they surely didn’t thrive. Relying on compulsive sexual behavior only resulted in a miserable struggling existence. 

And if you’re in that latter group, today’s message is for you. 

The stress reflects physically on your body. You found yourself soft, pudgy, and weak from stress eating. You’re fueled by sugar and caffeine. Your girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to have sex with you if you can’t achieve an erection. You can’t get hard or stay hard because you chose pornography over her. You’ve become boring. You chose a life of domesticity over adventure and learning. No one wants to sleep with the man they argue with over the dishes every night.

If you’re single, you may wonder why women won’t date you. You don’t bother to groom yourself. You dress comfortably, which is a nice way of saying you’re a grown man who dresses like a schoolboy. You’re overweight and your best features are obscured by the bloat from the fast food you shovel into yourself every day.

You feel entitled to women who are 10s because you watch them in porn while you’re barely a 5 on your best day. You lack ambition. You play video games all night. You smoke weed every day. You live to be entertained. If you ever manage to get a girlfriend, she’ll have to find a sugar daddy because you’re too busy seeking pleasure to be a provider.

You’ll likely have to settle for the lowest-hanging fruit when it comes to women. You’ll hang onto her because you know you won’t find better. And then you will spend the rest of your life secretly jerking off to women you truly find attractive online.

You’re weak. You’re stunted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re unable to prioritize. You’re mentally consumed by a constant diet of unfiltered garbage information that you allow into your head. The news, nonsense YouTube videos, pointless podcasts, endless Reddit threads, Wikipedia black holes, and perma-scrolling Twitter, of it, fill your head with useless information that makes you think you’re smart.

When was the last time you created something? What was the last original thought or idea you formulated? I’m not talking about repeating talking points that someone else gave you or buying into the hive mind of whatever group you’re a part of.

Your emotional capacity is next to nothing but you’re always emotionally charged. Your erratic emotional range consists of numbness, irritation, anger, depression, loneliness, excitement, and fear. Instead of experiencing the emotional capacity of a Boeing 747 that flies intercontinental, you’re a paper plane that can barely reach the back of the classroom and is destined for the trash.

You’re spiritually bankrupt, too, even if you believe yourself to be a Christian. Your religious affinity only pays lip service to the type of man you wish you were. But what would your congregation think if they saw your browser history, your secret apps, and your external hard drives? I bet they tell a different story.

Your behavior is a growing cancer of the soul. You’ve spent empty years lying, desperately trying to hold up your shining image while living a double life. This is no way to live, brother. You’re falling apart, relying on your limited social circle for validation while destroying yourself every day.

If you’re at all interested in rebuilding your life and thriving in the years to come, it’s time to seriously reconsider your life. You could have saved yourself this last decade of destruction had you only followed through on the help you initially sought.

Honestly ask yourself what holds you back from taking action to overcome your porn addiction problems. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe you just don’t care and you’re stuck in a cycle of apathy. You know you have a problem but you’re fooling yourself by thinking you can handle it alone if you’re stuck in the same place 10 years later.

I know I sound harsh today but I feel disheartened. It’s painful to look at an email thread I can follow back to 2012 with a man who has clearly done nothing to change his circumstances. It feels wrong and I can’t sit back without saying something, especially as a man who has been where you are.

I think men who struggle with porn addiction live on a slightly altered timeline. We don’t seem to realize how time flies. The years slip by but we’re so busy consumed by our porn addiction symptoms that we miss the signs. Instead of seeing ourselves as the problem, though, we blame other things for our wide range of shortcomings.

The description above is probably painful to read. It may not describe every aspect of your life but I’m sure there are at least a few attributes that describe you. And it might seem like there’s nothing you can do to change, but professional help will make a difference. I’ve watched hundreds of men change their lives throughout the last decade of the Porn Reboot program a form of porn addiction counseling only with a better and effective method proven for years.

Have you reached a point that you can’t handle anymore? Are you ready to take responsibility for your life? I would love to see you join us in the Porn Reboot group and get started. Even if you don’t participate in the intensive, getting involved in our free Facebook group is a great place to start. You can learn what the Porn Reboot program is about and start implementing the system in your life today.

Quit watching time pass you by, brother. Take control of your life. Today can be the day that shifts the trajectory and pulls you from the pit of hopelessness you’ve landed yourself in.

Men Who Refuse to Seek Professional Help Read More »

You Need the Lows

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
You Need the Lows

A few weeks ago I had a pretty rough experience. We had a lot going on at Elevated Recovery. We were hiring new team members and had a few projects simultaneously in the works. These crunch periods are always a time of ongoing work where I get by on four or five hours of sleep because I’m determined to accomplish our goals.

However, three weeks into the crunch period my body completely shut down. I had a full day of coaching the day before and when I woke up the following morning I was in full-blown panic mode. I have maybe one or two random panic attacks each year but this was the worst one I’ve had in a long time. I not only had anxiety and depressive thoughts but also horrible flu-like symptoms.

I couldn’t get out of bed so I texted my assistant, canceled all my appointments, and took the day off. I was so photosensitive that I could only look at my phone for as long as it took to contact my assistant. I did nothing but hydrate and slowly get through the day. I even experienced some occasional hallucinations throughout the feverish period. It was a brutal day.

Over the years I’ve learned that I can’t fight when these things happen. Instead, I become very present and observe myself. I settle into a state of mindfulness and watch what I experience both internally and externally. It was the only option I had during this day of panic because I couldn’t do much of anything else.

When I finally made it through the night and woke up the next morning, though, all the pressure I felt from the weeks of crunch time was gone. I had no fewer deadlines than I did the day before my panic attack. There were still hundreds of people who needed our support. I knew that taking the day off made the workday harder for some of my colleagues. But I still felt no pressure. In fact, I had absolute clarity on what steps to take next.

I reflected on those 24 hours of panic and physical incapability over the following days. I normally take Mondays off but realized I hadn’t taken one off in the three weeks of crunch leading up to the panic attack. I was going all out. I woke up and put on the positive, upbeat, go-getter persona, and took on the day. And eventually, it wore me out.

I bet you’ve had a few of these experiences, too. Everyone burns out eventually when they live and work with the pedal to the floor. You have to hit pause sometimes to avoid completely crashing and burning, but sometimes it takes the low points to remember this. That’s exactly what happened to me. I spent the weeks before the panic attack avoiding pausing and instead pushing to finish everything that we needed to do.

It’s essential that you set limits for yourself and establish boundaries around your schedule. You have to carve time out for yourself or life will find a way of carving it out for you. If you aren’t proactive about taking a break, your body will force you to take one eventually. 

These lows aren’t an enjoyable experience but at the same time, they’re a great reminder and reset point. You can use the break to determine what’s most important and calibrate your focus to accomplish those tasks. You need the lows to remind you of why a break is such an important part of the process.

This is especially important for men in the Porn Addiction Counseling program. While everyone hits the wall at times, men with a porn addiction problem have more to lose. You’re more likely to act out and engage in your compulsive behavior when you reach one of these low points. You have to take breaks before your body demands one of you.

The Porn Reboot program equips you with the self-awareness and discipline to know when it’s time to hit pause. The low points are a necessary part of the Porn Reboot process but you get the chance to use them to your benefit today instead of letting them use you.

You Need the Lows Read More »

The Top 22 Objections to the Porn Reboot Program: Part 1

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
The Top 22 Objections to the Porn Reboot Program: Part 1

I want to cover 22 of the main objections I hear from men when they want to start the Porn Reboot program. I can almost guarantee that you’ve thought at least a few of these things along the way to ending your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. There are solutions to every objection, though, and I want to review the first half of them today.

1. I can do this with willpower alone

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother, but statistics suggest that about 4% of men succeed and 96% of men fail by trying to use willpower alone. Sure, there is a slight chance you might be part of that 4% but there’s a much higher chance of you being part of the majority.

2. I can do this on my own

I see tons of men who believe they can learn to manage their out-of-control behavior on their own. They’re confident that their motivation will propel them to success. You’re far from alone if you’re thinking this, but how many times have you tried the isolated motivation approach before?

3. I’ll try SLAA or another 12-step program instead

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual-based 12-step approach to overcoming porn and sex addiction. However, like the willpower approach, studies show that SLAA fails 92 to 94% of people who try it.

4. I don’t really have that big of a porn problem

I hear this from so many men who show up to Porn Reboot and I have a hard time not chuckling. If you didn’t have a serious problem with porn, brother, then how did you reach this site in the first place? Why are you still reading this blog post?

5. I shouldn’t have to pay to quit watching porn

Sure, that’s an understandable way of thinking. I didn’t want to have to pay to end my out-of-control behavior, either. But if your alternatives leave you with a 4 to 8% success rate, wouldn’t you rather use a more effective approach? Investing in yourself could be the thing that finally helps you end this behavior.

6. I shouldn’t have to pay what your programs cost

No one is telling you that you have to pay for the Porn Reboot program. You’re more than welcome to use a cheaper alternative, but you’ll receive the results that the cheaper alternative offers. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a program that provides the same results at a lower price point.

7. I can spend my money on better things

I won’t argue with you about that. There are plenty of more entertaining ways to spend your money. However, you got yourself to a point where you can no longer control your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Could there really be anything better to spend your money on than learning to control the behaviors actively destroying your life?

8. My wife, friends, or church group can hold me accountable

Tony Robbins, the famous motivational coach, says that friends and spouses are the worst people to look to for accountability. Most of the time your friends and spouse allow you room to cut corners. Your porn problem is not something you can cut corners with, though, or it will only get worse.

9. I fear people will find out that I’m doing this

That’s a reasonable fear, but everything in the Porn Reboot group is private and confidential. Our entire program is hidden from the general public; no one will know that you’re in the Porn Reboot program unless you tell them.

10. I’ll be embarrassed if people know I’m in a porn addiction program

I get it, brother. I felt embarrassed when I first shared that I had a porn addiction problem with others, too. One of the most important things we do in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is to teach members to be confident while powerfully owning and celebrating a porn-free lifestyle.

11. I worry I won’t really like the Porn Reboot community

If you’re like most men who struggle with compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation, chances are you’ll enjoy the group. We share a lot of similar traits and tendencies. I’m selective about who I work with which means our community is fun, welcoming, educated, smart, and successful. It’s a fantastic group of men.

 

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