Overcoming Unwanted Fantasies

This series is for men who are still struggling with their pornography addiction. It’s for men who haven’t made much progress and feel like they can’t stop the cycle. If you’re still slipping here and there, or if you’ve been stuck in a relapse, this series is for you.

Overcoming unwanted fantasies is a vital part of your reboot. You’re not going to make much progress in your reboot until you let go of these fetishes. I’m going to cover two techniques you can use to overcome your unwanted fantasies and move forward with your reboot.

What counts as an unwanted fantasy? When you’re done with your orgasm, an unwanted fantasy leaves you feeling:

Disgusted with yourself
Like you’re not a normal person
Self-loathing for having this fantasy
Like the fetish or fantasy is a deviant behavior

I want to stress that you’re not alone if you’re still stuck watching these unwanted fantasies. Men who struggle with pornography addiction usually find themselves watching different types of porn over time. What aroused you when you first started watching pornography likely isn’t as exciting as it was before.

Eventually, you might find yourself watching things you wouldn’t have even thought of at first. If your fetishes or fantasies leave you feeling uncomfortable after you’ve orgasmed, you’re at the point of unwanted fantasies. Most of us progress through various fetishes until we’re watching things we would have never imagined ourselves watching before.

So how can you overcome them? That’s what this series is about.

The first technique you can use to overcome unwanted fantasies is masturbation.

Yep. You read that right. You can use masturbation to destroy your unwanted fantasies.

Again, this technique isn’t for everyone. If you’re making progress in your reboot this post isn’t for you. It’s not an excuse to slip. You can’t use this as a cop-out to go deeper into your fantasy. This is for men still stuck at the beginning of their reboot. But how can you use masturbation to overcome your unwanted fantasies?

How to Use Masturbation to Overcome Unwanted Fantasies

First, you need to accept that this particular fantasy is unwanted. Sit down and spend some time thinking about the fantasy you want to let go of. For example, maybe you’re a straight man who watches gay pornography but you’re not actually gay. This is one of many different examples I could use.

Once again, this technique is only for men who are still struggling to stop their behaviors. It assumes you’re in the middle of a slip because you can only carry out the second step the next time you’re masturbating to your unwanted fantasy.

The second step happens in two parts.

First, once you’re masturbating to an unwanted type of pornography, switch your focus right before orgasm. Shift your focus to a fantasy that you’re okay with when you’re about to climax. This can be anything you find acceptable. For example, think about sex with your current partner or someone you’ve had sex with in the past and finish with this in mind.

At this moment you might normally feel disgusted with yourself. Since you’ve switched your focus, though, you should hopefully feel more comfortable. It might not be the best orgasm you could have had but it was better than finishing yourself off to the unwanted fantasy.

This next part is key. As soon as you’re limp I want you to immediately begin the unwanted fantasy again. This means if you were watching pornography with that unwanted fetish, I want you to go back to whatever you were looking at.

Now I want you to watch it again for about 10 minutes and don’t change it to anything else, regardless of how uncomfortable you feel. It doesn’t matter what your thoughts are or how awkward you might feel. I just want

you to watch it while you’re in the limp state.

Each time you find yourself slipping or relapsing to an unwanted fantasy I want you to do the same thing. Switch your focus from the unwanted fantasy to one you’re comfortable with right before you finish. Then go back and watch it over again after you’re limp.

After you try this for a while, you’re going to notice that your unwanted fantasies become less preferable. You’re going to lean more toward your desirable fantasy and away from the uncomfortable, unwanted one.

If you find this strategy isn’t helpful for you, though, there’s another approach you can try. There is a way out of the pornography cycle, brothers, I promise you that. You don’t have to feel controlled by your unwanted fantasies any longer. Stay here with the Porn Reboot group and you’ll uncover the parts of the system that work for you.

Opportunity-induced Pornography Addiction

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

Brother, addiction to pornography is a big problem in our society today. Many people are developing a pornography addiction as a result of easy access to pornographic content on the internet. It’s crucial to realize that not everyone who views pornography develops an addiction to it. Pornography addiction can occur for a number of reasons, but one of the most important causes is opportunity-induced addiction.

When someone develops a pornography addiction as a result of having easy access to pornographic content, this is known as opportunity-induced addiction. For those who struggle with poor self-control, unstable emotions, and humiliation, this is frequently the case. We shall delve into these three aspects of pornography addiction in more detail.

Low Self-Control

You’ve probably heard of self-control before. It’s the ability to regulate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals. However, some of us struggle with low self-control, and that can make us more vulnerable to addiction.

When it comes to pornography addiction, low self-control is a big factor. People who struggle with self-control are more likely to indulge in pornography when given the opportunity. They might not set any boundaries for themselves or have any moderation in their behavior. As a result, they can quickly become addicted to pornographic material.

If you find yourself struggling with self-control, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Many people struggle with this, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, it’s crucial to take steps to strengthen your self-control and prevent addiction.

One way to do this is to set clear boundaries for yourself around pornography use. Try to limit your viewing time and avoid using pornography when you’re feeling vulnerable or emotional. It’s also helpful to find alternative ways to cope with stress and negative emotions, such as exercise or meditation.

Emotional Instability

Emotions are a big part of being human. We all experience sadness, frustration, grief, loss, loneliness, or anger at some point in our lives. It’s important to have healthy ways to express and deal with these emotions. But sometimes, we might not know how to handle them in a healthy way, and that’s where emotional instability comes in.

People who struggle with emotional instability may not know how to express or deal with their emotions in a healthy way. They might bury their emotions and try to ignore them. This can lead to emotional distress and even mental health problems.

In some cases, people turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with their emotions. Pornography addiction is one of these coping mechanisms. When people experience negative emotions, they might turn to porn or other sexual activities to distract themselves from their emotions and feel better. Unfortunately, this can lead to addiction and make things worse in the long run.

That’s why it’s important to learn healthy ways to deal with our emotions. Talking to a therapist or Reboot coach can be a great way to start. They can help you identify your emotions and teach you healthy coping mechanisms to deal with them. Exercise, meditation, and spending time with loved ones are also great ways to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way.

Remember brother, emotional instability is a common factor in pornography addiction. By learning healthy ways to deal with our emotions, we can avoid falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms and addiction.

Shame

Shame is a difficult emotion to deal with, especially when it comes to addiction. It’s understandable why people turn to pornography to distract themselves from the shame they feel. But it’s important to remember that there are healthier ways to deal with shame.

One common cause of shame in pornography addiction is secrecy. When people keep secrets, it can create a pattern of behavior where they feel like they have to lead a double life. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness and shame. If you’re feeling ashamed of your addiction, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. There are resources available to help you overcome your addiction.

Another cause of shame in pornography addiction can come from discrimination. If you grew up in a household where your parents discriminated against certain groups of people, you may have internalized those beliefs. This can lead to shame if you find yourself attracted to someone outside of those beliefs. It’s important to challenge those beliefs and remind yourself that love knows no boundaries.

Shame can also come from past traumas or experiences, such as sexual abuse or assault. People who have experienced trauma may feel intense shame and guilt, even if they were not at fault for what happened to them. This shame can lead them to turn to pornography as a way to cope with their emotions and feelings of worthlessness.

In addition, shame can also arise from religious or cultural beliefs. Many religions and cultures view sexual activity outside of marriage or certain norms as sinful or shameful. Individuals who grew up in such environments may feel deep shame and guilt for engaging in pornography or other sexual activities, even if they do not necessarily believe it is wrong.

It’s important to recognize that shame is a complex emotion and can arise from many different factors. However, dealing with shame is an important step in overcoming pornography addiction. This can involve seeking therapy or counseling to address underlying issues and learning healthy ways to cope with difficult emotions.

By addressing the root causes of shame and developing healthy coping mechanisms, individuals can work towards breaking free from the cycle of addiction and living a happier, more fulfilling life.

Pornography addiction is a big problem, but understanding the causes of opportunity-induced addiction can help people take steps to prevent addiction and seek help if necessary. If you struggle with low self-control, emotional instability, or shame, it’s important to talk to someone about it. Addiction can be overcome, but it takes effort and support. Remember that you’re not alone, brother. There’s help available, and you can break free from addiction.

Why You Can Change Your Mindset

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

Brother, I want to talk to you about something that’s affecting a lot of men these days – porn addiction. I know it’s not an easy topic to discuss, but it’s important to address it because it can have a significant impact on your mental health and relationships.

Firstly, let’s talk about what porn addiction is. It’s a condition where a person has an uncontrollable urge to view pornography, often leading to compulsive and excessive use. Porn addiction can lead to a range of negative consequences, including relationship problems, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

Now, let’s talk about why porn addiction is so prevalent today. With the widespread availability of the internet and smartphones, accessing pornography has become easier than ever. Moreover, many people view pornography as a harmless and acceptable form of entertainment, not realizing the harm it can cause.

Let me level with you real quick. Porn addiction is a straight-up trap, my dude. It’s all fun and games until you find yourself deep in the rabbit hole, feeling like you can’t get out. You might think it’s harmless or just a way to blow off some steam, but let me tell you, it can mess you up big time.

First of all, let’s talk about your brain. When you’re watching porn, your brain releases a ton of dopamine, which is basically a chemical that makes you feel good. But the thing is, your brain gets used to this rush of dopamine, and it starts to crave it more and more. Before you know it, you’re addicted and you can’t get that same feeling from anything else.

And let’s not forget about the impact porn can have on your relationships, man. If you’re constantly watching porn, it can make you feel disconnected from your partner and can even lead to erectile dysfunction. Plus, it’s just not fair to your partner if you’re getting all your sexual needs met through a computer screen.

But maybe the scariest part of all is the way porn can warp your view of sex and relationships. Constantly seeing unrealistic images of men and women in pornography can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. It can make you believe that you’re not attractive or desirable enough, leading to further negative thoughts and behaviors.

So, what can you do about it? Well, the first step is to recognize that you have a problem. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re addicted to something, but it’s the only way you can start to make a change. From there, it’s all about taking small steps to break the addiction.

But the truth is that porn addiction is a serious problem that can have lasting effects on your well-being. Here are some of the ways that porn addiction can harm you:

Health problems

Porn addiction can also have physical health consequences. Excessive use can lead to problems such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and loss of libido. It can also lead to poor sleep patterns, fatigue, and other health issues.

Mental health problems

Porn addiction can also have a significant impact on your mental health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation and loneliness. It can also make it difficult to concentrate and perform well at work or school.

Hey man, if you’re feeling like porn has taken over your life, there are some things you can do to take control. Here are a few steps you can take:

First off, it’s important to admit to yourself that you have a problem. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the first step in overcoming any addiction.

Next, consider seeking professional help. There are plenty of resources out there, like therapy, support groups, and Porn Reboot, that can give you the guidance and support you need to make positive changes.

Developing healthy habits like exercise, meditation, and mindfulness can also be really helpful in coping with the stress and anxiety that can come with addiction. Plus, they’ll help you build a more positive self-image and improve your overall well-being.

It’s also important to try to limit your exposure to pornography. This might mean setting limits on your internet and smartphone usage or avoiding triggers like certain websites or social media accounts.

Finally, building a support network can make a big difference. Surrounding yourself with people who understand what you’re going through and support your journey can be a huge help. Joining a support group or online community can give you a sense of belonging and accountability. Remember, you’re not alone, brother.

Medication for a High Sex Drive

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

Some mental health professionals carry a dangerous belief that porn addiction is not a real condition. You may have experienced this at some point if you went to a mental health professional for help with your out-of-control behavior. Occasionally a therapist will suggest that your problem isn’t porn addiction but a high sex drive and encourage you to take medication for that problem.

Now as you read this, remember that I’m not a doctor and therefore cannot provide legitimate medical advice. I can only speak anecdotally about my experiences and the experiences of the men I’ve worked with over the years. At the same time, a lot of therapists who recommend medication aren’t doctors and cannot provide prescriptions, either. They also don’t have the same level of knowledge about and experience with pornography addiction. So keep these things in mind.

This recently happened to a brother in our group and he brought up a great question. He said,

“My counselor says that I have an exceptionally high libido that interferes with my life, and recommends that I see someone for medication to lower it. I used to take Wellbutrin to help with impulse control but stopped taking it a while ago. Is anyone in the group doing this along with their reboot, or does anyone have experience with taking medication specifically to help you control your behavior?”

Before I dive into my response, I want to share an incredible response from another brother in the group. He responded before I had a chance to and provided an incredibly well-thought-out answer. He replied,

“I also have an exceptional libido, but libido itself has never been the issue for me. Rather, the issue has been my refusal to feel what I feel and know what I know, and my pattern of using sexual indulgence to escape my own experience. Temporarily taking medication or supplements to reduce libido may help you out of a crisis and through withdrawals, but I recommend against them as a long-term strategy of self-control.

“My ultimate objective is the integration of my libido and my integrity without suppression or indulgence. I personally experienced a dramatic reduction in libido for several weeks after minor surgery, and I haven’t noticed anything else in my life that obviously reduced libido.”

I believe this brother hit the nail on the head. Regardless of the “cause” of your out-of-control behavior, I don’t believe that medication is a long-term solution for anything. In my experience, medication often serves as a bandage rather than a true method of healing. It covers up the problem for a short time but eventually, you need to deal with the true source of the issue.

People who take medication for long periods typically become dependent on it. If you choose to take medication for a “high sex drive”, there’s a chance that you’ll eventually have to deal not only with your out-of-control behavior but also with getting off of that medication.

I noticed another red flag in our brother’s original question. He mentioned that his counselor jumped straight from diagnosing him with a high sex drive to offering medication. If this is truly how the process played out, that therapist missed a lot of opportunities to consider and address other important factors at play when it comes to compulsive sexual behaviors.

I’ve found that many therapists don’t truly understand how porn addiction works. While some take the time to learn about the reality of the condition, many dismiss it as not a “real” problem. Occasionally brothers find themselves under the care of these dismissive therapists and that’s a dangerous place to be. These therapists aren’t familiar with the complexities of out-of-control sexual behavior and often neglect to consider alternatives to medications.

They likely don’t understand the importance of anchoring your day. They probably don’t encourage you to find an accountability partner. They might work with you on developing emotional awareness or boundaries, but not through the lens of compulsive sexual behavior. They often don’t understand factors like time of day or specific environmental triggers either. They just want to stick you on medication and call it a day.

Another thing to think about is therapists who suggest that porn addiction is really a high sex drive often neglect to take a blood work panel before recommending medication. How can they possibly know the cause of your supposed high sex drive if they don’t have any data or numbers to back it up? I always recommend taking a blood work panel before making any decisions like that.

I don’t want this to turn into an anti-medication rant. I’m not at all anti-medication; in fact, I think it’s a helpful tool in certain situations. But I do not believe that medication is an effective long-term solution, especially for brothers struggling with compulsive sexual behavior. I think there are many alternatives that therapists and doctors often neglect to recommend before jumping straight to medication.

I think there is a checklist you should run through before deciding to take medication for your compulsive sexual behavior. First, determine whether your therapist is knowledgeable about porn addiction in the first place. Second, get a blood work panel and find out what your total testosterone and free testosterone levels are. Third, identify whether there is any childhood trauma at play that may fuel your behavior. And finally, after checking all of these boxes you can make an informed decision about whether a short-term medication plan is right for you.

I know medication wasn’t necessary for my situation and it often isn’t for the brothers that I work with. We learn to control our out-of-control behaviors by working with our biology to rewire our brains. We don’t need to use medication as a crutch; we lean on each other during tough times and lift one another when we’re on an upswing.

The Porn Reboot program is designed specifically to help you end your out-of-control sexual behavior. We don’t push meds, therapy, or psychiatry on you, nor are we opposed to using those tools when they’re necessary. We simply encourage you to identify the approach that works best for you and take the appropriate action to end your behavior with porn for good.

Three Modes of Reboot Progress

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

I often hear from guys in our Porn Reboot groups who were doing well for a period then fell off seemingly out of nowhere. Everything was going right: they were eating well, they were on a good trajectory in their career, their family life was calm, and they were staying away from porn and masturbation. But all of a sudden something happened, a little unexpected twist, and they slipped.

I know I have some experience with that, too. There were times in my life when my gym routine was on point, I could take rejection from women without batting an eye, I was eating well, and my performance at work was top-notch. Then a little thing would happen and completely throw me off.

I have this concept that I think describes these situations perfectly. I call it the three modes of reboot progress. These three modes include:

Survival Mode
Thrive Mode
Impact Mode

If you keep struggling with taking three steps forward and three steps back, this might be helpful for you. I encourage you to read this post and then do some journaling to determine which mode you may be in at the moment.

So, what does each mode entail?

Survival Mode

The dictionary defines survival as continuing to exist or remaining intact. Living in survival mode means doing just enough to get by without completely breaking down. From what I’ve noticed in over a decade of working with men and observing general human behavior, the majority of people live their whole lives in survival mode. They spend the entirety of their time on this planet doing what they can scrape by but never moving beyond this.

When you’re in survival mode you lack clarity, purpose, or aim; you’re simply doing all you can to make it through the day. You’re treading water trying to pay the bills, support your family, and make ends meet. Maybe your ideal weight is 175 but you’re sitting at an overweight 230 pounds doing what you can to keep the scale from climbing higher, but nothing to bring that number down.

People living in survival mode are terrified of taking risks. They aren’t willing to bet on themselves. They’re not willing to step out of their comfort zone (no matter how uncomfortable it looks from the outside) and do what it takes to rise above. And if you’re in survival mode, you’re going to stay stuck in the same miserable cycle of three steps forward, three steps back.

Men living in survival mode feel entitled. They believe the government should take care of them, that women owe them sex, and that they deserve compliments for completing even the most basic of tasks. If you’re stuck in survival mode, chances are you’re too busy blaming others for your problems or looking for shortcuts to take responsibility for your actions. But realizing and accepting personal responsibility is necessary to escape the survival mode cycle.

I don’t work with men stuck in survival mode. There’s nothing I can do to help them. Until they are willing to step up to the plate and take responsibility for their lives, there isn’t a single thing I can do to make them see what they need to do. If this is you, I suggest you swallow your pride, own up to the truth of your reality, and get ready to make some changes as soon as possible.

Thrive Mode

The next mode is thrive mode. Men in thrive mode have escaped survival mode but are now stuck in a different type of downward spiral, and often can’t understand why. These men are experiencing growth in every area of their reboot, doing well in their careers, rebuilding their families, and getting their health in order, but they don’t know when to stop. It’s like the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other.

Thrive mode is deceiving because it feels like you’re in a good place. You make good money, you have nice things, you don’t need to worry about your bills, and you can often afford to do whatever you want to do. Sure, you still experience challenges but they are different types of challenges than those you face in survival mode.

The men in our implementation and intensive programs typically tend to be in thrive mode. Men who make the financial commitment to our group have usually escaped survival mode and recognize the worth of investing in themselves. However, they still can’t seem to make it over the final mental hump. They still have an empty pit inside that they try to fill with this insatiable hunger for success, but no matter how far they move up the ladder they still feel like they aren’t winning.

Does this feel familiar? If so, there’s one final piece of the puzzle that you’re missing. The seeming strengths that brought you this far will continue to be your weaknesses. You can continue building your business, expanding your stock portfolio, adding 0’s to your bank account, and showering your family with everything they could possibly need or want, but you won’t fill that emptiness inside of you until you move into the final mode.

Impact Mode

Impact mode is the third and final mode of reboot progress. It’s the most difficult one to come to terms with but it’s also the most rewarding. I didn’t get there myself until just the last few years but I believe it’s something that every man should aim for. You transition into impact mode once you recognize that you didn’t move from survival mode to thrive mode alone, no matter how self-made you believe you are.

People paved the way and lifted you up in different ways along your journey. It happened with a little bit of kindness here or an important bit of well-timed wisdom or advice there. Now you’re at a place surrounded by abundance, every area of your reboot is thriving, and you have more than you could ever need. Your life is so full that you have almost no choice but to help other people, but if you choose to continue amassing things trying to fill that empty pit then you miss the beauty of impact mode.

Once you realize that true joy and fulfillment come from helping others, you cross the bridge from thrive mode to impact mode. It’s a wonderful gift to turn around and help others the way you were helped along the way, too. You’re not consumed by the fear of not making it in life or the fear of losing everything; you know that you’re in a good place and you want to share the path to this place with others.

What Mode Are You In?

So I want you to ask yourself, brother, what mode are you in? Put your ego aside, look around you, and answer honestly. If you’re in survival mode, stop blaming other people. Start hanging out with those doing better than you are and set some goals. If you’re in thrive mode, start asking yourself what you can do to remove the focus from you and shift it to others.

Set some time aside, do some writing, and figure out which mode you are in. Once you can answer honestly, start doing the work to move into the next phase, with the goal of ultimately arriving at impact mode. And on the off chance that you are already in impact mode, what can you do to create more impact? Can you turn up the volume? Can you do more?

As men who have learned to control their out-of-control behavior, I believe we have a responsibility to help others. Aside from meditation, I feel most fulfilled when I’m working with other men. Maybe you disagree with that, but I know it’s the case for me. And maybe it’s because you haven’t reached impact mode yet, brother, because there is so much more to life than simply amassing things. We have the opportunity to impact the world for the better.

Should You Surrender?

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

I work with many men who tried to work their way through their porn addiction in a 12-step group before arriving at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not the biggest fan of these groups myself but I know some people find their solution in those rooms. I want to cover a topic today that is a big part of the 12-step approach to recovery: surrender.

Anyone who spends even a few weeks around a 12-step group will undoubtedly hear the idea that you must surrender to a higher power to overcome your addiction. The dictionary defines surrender as ceasing resistance to an enemy or opponent and submitting to their authority. 12-step groups are loosely based on Christian principles so surrendering to a higher power makes sense in that context.

The issue with surrender, though, is that a lot of men aren’t willing to do that. It’s not that they’re necessarily unwilling to surrender to a higher power; it’s that they aren’t willing to surrender at all. It’s not a part of their nature. They don’t like to submit. They won’t accept that something might be more powerful than they are, and in this case, it’s their porn addiction.

Surrender and the Porn Reboot System

I won’t tell you that you have to submit to a higher power or God or Jesus. That’s not what the Porn Reboot system is about. We aren’t a religious organization and we surely aren’t based on Christianity. That doesn’t mean the Porn Reboot system isn’t aligned with religious values; you’ll find nothing here that goes against however you choose to live your life. But it does mean that it’s accessible to any man regardless of his personal beliefs.

That being said, I do believe that surrender is necessary to overcome your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I’m not saying you have to go to church or pray a rosary to end your porn addiction, but you do have to accept that it’s beyond your control. If you were truly able to do something about it, you wouldn’t be here reading this blog post right now, I guarantee you that.

Why Surrender is Helpful

Surrendering isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. It takes strength to surrender, to recognize when you are in over your head, and to accept that you can’t handle everything life throws at you. That’s hard to come to terms with, especially for men in the Porn Reboot program.

We have a lot of self-made men among our ranks who built massive businesses, climbed corporate ladders, and made names for themselves. Yet they were still brought to their knees by a porn addiction that they couldn’t manage to control.

Surrendering doesn’t mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t smart, strong, or capable. It simply means that you’re willing to recognize when you’re in over your head and are ready to accept a new approach. And that’s where the Porn Reboot system comes in.

Surrender and the Porn Reboot Program

Surrender is a big part of the Porn Reboot program. When men aren’t successful with the system, I usually find it’s because they’re unwilling to surrender in a certain area. There are three primary areas where I find surrender is necessary for success in your reboot.

Surrender to the need for a new way of living

Surrender to the fact that you need a new way to live. If your way of living was successful you wouldn’t be on my website right now reading this blog post. You wouldn’t have done the Google searches necessary to land you here. There’s something about your life that isn’t working and you know it’s true. So it’s time for you to surrender to the need for a new way of living, and you can find that path to live in the system and tools taught in Porn Reboot.

Surrender to the need for accountability

Surrender to the need for accountability. It’s hard for men to let go of the vision they have of themselves, especially when they’ve accomplished so much on their own. This might be the case for you, too. You don’t want to let go of the idea that you’re self-made. You want to believe you can figure this thing out without help. But if that were true then, again, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now. You need support. You need encouragement from men you can respect. You’ll find those things and more in the Porn Reboot groups, from the free Facebook group to the implementation group to the intensive group.

Surrender to the need for reprioritization

Surrender to the need for reprioritization. You probably have very specific ways of managing your time during the week. Trust me, I get it. I still work many 80-hour weeks to this day. But in the early phases of your reboot, you’ll probably have to rearrange some of your schedules. It’s hard to step away from work sometimes but find an hour or two during the week where you can focus completely on yourself and your reboot. These few hours per week will pay dividends in the long run.

Where Do You Need to Surrender?

So, how can you start? I want you to take some time and identify the areas where you’re refusing to surrender. Is it one of the three above? Those are the most common ones I find that hold men back but maybe something else applies to you. Maybe it’s time with your family, maybe it’s your ego, maybe it’s your fear of financial commitment.

Once you identify where you’re unwilling to surrender, face it head-on. Bring it up in the group, send me an email, or talk about it with a reboot strategist. Find someone you can share with and let them know. Putting that reason out in the open takes power away from it and puts you on the path to surrender.

Surrender is an important part of any transformation, brother. It’s not a negative thing. It’s the first step to freedom from anything holding you back and sets you on the right track to reframe your life.

Porn Addicts and Strip Clubs

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

One of our brothers brought up a great question to the group recently. He said:

“What are your thoughts on strip clubs? I regularly attended clubs once or twice a month for two years before starting my reboot. At first, I thought it was good practice for me to talk to girls because it was almost guaranteed to happen every time.

“After a while, though, I got very attached to a few of the girls and it became difficult to manage my emotions around that. I knew they just wanted my money but it felt like something more at times. I loved the attention and the feelings of intimacy, even though I know it wasn’t genuine. What do you think?”

I want to preface my answer by saying I never went to strip clubs during my addiction. They were never my thing. I didn’t step foot into a strip club until just a few years ago when I was invited to coach a group of men during a conference. The conference was in Vegas and the particular session I headed up was held in the VIP room of one of the biggest strip clubs in the city.

I was over 10 years into my reboot by this point so the atmosphere did nothing for me. We arrived before the club was open to the public, before the seeming glitz and glamor of the night show. The girls sat around on their phones or chatting with one another but weren’t dolled up for the evening yet and they looked like normal girls to me. Without the heels and makeup, they seemed like any other girl.

When the session ended and we had to leave the club, though, the clients had arrived for the night and the girls’ transformations were complete. They were in their G-strings and stilettos, strutting around and commanding the attention of nearly every man in the room. It was a pretty wild thing to see, to watch the dynamic between these women and men. And it further confirmed everything I thought about strip clubs up to this point.

I don’t appreciate strip clubs because I believe we must earn intimacy. True intimacy is not something you can trade for a few dollar bills or drinks. It doesn’t happen under the flashing lights on a stage. It’s not going to stride up to you in 6-inch heels and sit down on your lap. Intimacy is something you earn through working on yourself and building a relationship with someone else, not buying their attention night after night.

Women who work in strip clubs are doing a job. They will say and do whatever it takes to get you to pull another bill from your wallet. This brother knows that’s true because he pointed it out in his question, too. But they’re good at what they do and it’s easy to believe that they truly care about you. This isn’t a knock on these women; they’re on their hustle, too. It’s a knock on the men who believe that they’re buying genuine intimacy for a few 20s and a couple of shots.

I believe strip clubs are a crutch. They keep you from having to do the work necessary to build true intimacy. Why would you transform yourself? Why bother learning to be vulnerable, open up, communicate, listen, and touch when you could get it immediately the moment you walk into a strip club? Sure, it might seem like good practice on the surface but it will only stunt your capabilities in the long run.

Strip clubs also feed into the false belief that women owe you attention and intimacy. A woman does not have to be sexual with you. She doesn’t owe you a damn thing, brother. But when you walk into a strip club, you believe that with a few dollars, you can convince a woman to do anything you want her to do.

Again – this is her JOB. Take away the environment you’re in and that woman wouldn’t give you the time of day. You aren’t building intimacy or practicing true connection by going to strip clubs and I encourage you to avoid them, brother. You’re fooling yourself if you truly think a strip club is a good place to work on talking to women.

Instead, I encourage you to learn the hard way. Reject the shortcuts and build the resilience it takes to earn true intimacy. Turn your focus inwards. Start sharpening your game. Figure out what you still need to work on and start working on it. How is your physique? Are you confident in your career? Do you have the financial resources to take women out or care for one when you do find a woman you’d like to date long-term?

It’s easy to resort to strip clubs when your self-esteem is low and you feel like you’ll never end up with someone. This is why working on yourself is so important. The more you build yourself up the more confident you become. You feel better about yourself when you look good and can provide for yourself. No woman wants a man who doesn’t care about his appearance or place in the world.

Even if strip clubs aren’t your thing, brother, this is a great approach to take. Anything we use in place of true intimacy, whether it’s strip clubs or porn or chat rooms or cam girls, all of it detracts from your ability to build genuine relationships. Once you remove these things from your life and begin building yourself up, you’ll start to see why earning intimacy is the preferable path.

Sure, it takes work. Sure, it comes with some rejection and heartache. But the potential relationships waiting for you on the other side are more than worth it. Take it from me – I’m with a woman I never would have landed while still in my addiction. It took turning my focus inwards, though, and building myself up to reach a point where I was ready for this type of relationship.

I am confident that porn addicts have no place in strip clubs. I’m sure my answer doesn’t surprise anyone who has been around for a while, but I wanted to expand on my thoughts a bit more. Until next time, brother.

Pornography is NOT the Problem

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

I noticed something while reading some discussions in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group that I wanted to expound upon a bit. I realized that lots of brothers still blame pornography for the problems in their lives, some who are still in the early stages of their reboot, and others who have been around the program for a few months.

Some men were more overt about placing blame while others did it subconsciously and may not have noticed. Either way, these brothers are all wrong. Pornography is NOT the problem. You might think it is. After all, isn’t that why the Porn Reboot program exists in the first place? But it’s not. Pornography is not as powerful as you think it is.

Think about it. Pornography has existed for much longer than you can imagine. Porn came about as soon as men realized they were able to draw on cave walls. We have ancient dick art on the walls of caves that date back hundreds of centuries! You might think porn is the issue but millions of people watch it without responding to it the way we do. While the detrimental effects of porn are another conversation entirely, it still doesn’t have the same effects on others as it does on men with out-of-control sexual behavior.

If you still believe porn is the problem, you’ll keep yourself stuck in the cycle of porn addiction. It probably feels like an endless problem because you’ll see it everywhere if that’s what you’re focused on. Things shown in television programs are increasingly lewd, Hollywood can get away with more suggestive scenes in lower-rated films, and some social media posts are as close to porn as you can get. I’m not denying that temptations exist, brother. I’m fully aware of everything that’s out there. But so long as you continue believing that those temptations are the problem, you’ll continue acting out time and time again.

You’re looking at the wrong problem, brother.

The problem is not pornography.

The problem is that you are using pornography to medicate.

It’s not the porn that keeps you trapped in the cycle. It’s the emotion that comes up right before you turn back to porn to keep yourself from feeling it. You can’t treat the problem when you still believe it exists outside yourself. The moment you stop treating pornography as the problem and recognize the problem for what it truly is is the moment you begin to reboot.

Remember that we treat slips as data here at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not interested in porn so much as I’m interested in what led up to it. I don’t mean the conversation with your buddies at the bar either, the one that got your mind racing and led you to relapse the minute you got through your door at home. I’m interested in the in-between: what emotion did that conversation spark and what were you trying to medicate by watching porn and jerking off when you got home?

It’s not the porn, brother. Your buddies at the bar can go home and leave PornHub running on their TV without a second thought, but not you. And not me, either. We aren’t like those guys, but why? If it were the porn itself, your buddies wouldn’t be able to control themselves with porn on the TV in the living room. So why can’t we?

It’s the emotions we’re using porn to medicate.

You must recognize that the problem lies within yourself, not on PornHub or YouPorn or Instagram, or Hollywood movies. It’s not the women at the gym or women at work or women anywhere.

It’s you.

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, though. It doesn’t mean you’re evil or pathetic or weak-willed. It simply means that you don’t respond to porn the way that other people do. But it also means that it’s your responsibility to find a way through. And it’s relieving to know that I’m the problem, not the porn because that means I am also the solution.

The same applies to you, brother. If you are the problem then you are also the solution. Your freedom from out-of-control sexual behavior doesn’t sit with any of the porn sites or social media or what women choose to wear. Your freedom from out-of-control behavior is within your power. It’s up to you to recognize that truth, take responsibility for it, and get into action.

It’s also relieving to know that you aren’t alone. You may feel like the only person in the world struggling with this problem, but if you were then the Porn Reboot program wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t have pages of blog posts, hundreds of YouTube videos, and millions of podcast downloads. The problem affects thousands more men than you, brother, and all it takes is a quick look in our free Facebook group to realize you are not alone.

I invite you to take responsibility for the real problem and to join us on the path to freedom from out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Once you accept that you’re the problem and recognize that you’re also the solution, you can only go up from there. Join us, brother, and find the freedom you’ve been searching for. It’s right here; all you have to do is join in.

What’s Your Biggest Fear?

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

I believe that when a man decides to move from the pre-reboot to the early reboot stage, he does so for one of three reasons:

Love
Duty
Fear

These three forces are the primary driving factors that push us to take the action necessary to end our out-of-control behavior. We all end up here for one reason or another but 99% of the time that reason falls into one of the three categories above.

Today I want to focus on fear.

Whether it’s the primary driving force or not, most men arrive at the Porn Reboot program filled with fear. Porn accompanied you for a large portion of your life and the thought of letting it go is terrifying. What does a life without porn look like? How will you handle stress or boredom? What will you do when an urge arises?

Pornography became your main coping skill over the years. Instead of using things like the gym, reading, or meditation to work through intense emotions or experiences, you turned to porn. That means most of the major events of your life were also coupled with porn use. Every big thing in your life has the hidden shadow of pornography behind it.

If you’re still young you may not realize the full extent of this yet. However, men who show up in their forties or fifties know exactly what I’m talking about. From getting married to launching businesses to making big career moves to having children, their porn use was always quietly along for the ride.

When these men finally make it to the Porn Reboot program, they’re terrified, and rightfully so.

I had a conversation with a potential client a couple of weeks ago. He’s a very successful executive who spent many years repressing his out-of-control behavior. He never fully committed to any one program and always put work ahead of any attempt to end his behavior. He ended up on a call with one of my reboot strategists and they passed him along because they thought he could benefit from a direct call with me.

This man explained everything I just wrote about. He didn’t know how to experience anything in life, good or bad, without turning to porn. He’s in his mid-forties with multiple decades of porn addiction under his belt and no tools to handle the problem. He was paralyzed by the thought of a life without pornography, no matter how beautiful it may be.

This fear drives men to the program but also keeps them from fully engaging with the system. Working through this fear is an important part of the early stage of their reboot so they can move forward into the middle and late stages.

Another fear that brings men to the Porn Reboot program is the fear of pain. Our compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation cause a lot of pain. They instill pain not only in our lives but the lives of those we care about whether they know it or not. Even if your wife or children aren’t aware of your porn use, they’re aware of your inability to fully engage in their lives. They’re aware that you aren’t present the majority of the time.

The pain of this reality brings men into calls with our reboot strategists every day. He doesn’t want to feel it anymore and he wants to stop causing his family pain, too. Fear of further pain is a strong motivator and can quickly push you from the pre-reboot to the early stage.

Another common fear I hear is the fear of exposure, of people finding out the truth about your behavior. Maybe you’re a pastor or youth group leader, maybe you’re an executive or C-suite employee, or maybe you’re the coach of your kid’s soccer team. No matter what level you’re at, there’s a ton of shame that comes with pornography addiction. The thought of people discovering what you do or the things you watch when you’re by yourself at night is horrifying.

This fear brings men into the program willing and ready to do just about anything to end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. They can’t bear the thought of bringing shame to their wife and kids because of their behavior. The possibility of tainting the name of their business or company if someone found out about their addiction brings them to their knees.

So if fear brought you to the program, what exactly is that fear? What do you worry will happen or what has already happened that you fear will get worse? Fear is a powerful tool when it comes to ending your out-of-control behavior. But fear will only get you so far.

Fear is a good way to get into the program but you must take action to ensure you stay. I’ve talked with countless terrified men who eventually returned to the shadows of their addiction because they weren’t willing to commit to the work. They didn’t want to give up certain aspects of their life necessary for a successful reboot.

Fear is a motivator but it is not enough. No external force is enough to keep you engaged in the work required for reboot success. That driving force must come from within. You must reach a point during your reboot when it becomes about quitting for you, not for anyone else. When you’re ready to move past those fears and discover what you’re capable of, that’s when you find freedom in your reboot.

So, brother, what are you afraid of and what are you going to do to move through that and immerse yourself in the Porn Reboot system?

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker

Over the years I’ve noticed that some brothers struggle with adopting the Porn Reboot system. There are various reasons why a brother might have a hard time implementing the system, whether it’s an exceptionally busy life, a learning disability, or some other circumstance. I found a few tips that have helped these men learn the Porn Reboot system quicker so they can get on to the deeper aspects of the program and I want to share them with you today.

1. Decide you’re going to focus on rebooting.

It’s easy to say you want to focus on your reboot but actually doing it is something else entirely. If you’re having a hard time implementing the system, you must make a firm decision you will focus on rebooting.

Once you do, you must intentionally set aside time for your reboot activities. This could include time to watch a few videos, listen to a podcast, or read some pages from a book that is part of the curriculum.

2. Set realistic expectations of what you can absorb at one time.

If you struggle with learning the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system, it’s unlikely that you’re going to absorb big aspects of the program all at once. I suggest you set realistic expectations for what you can hope to achieve in one focused session.

Don’t sit down expecting yourself to read multiple chapters of a book in one session. Instead, set a goal to read a few pages at a time. The more you set yourself up for small wins, the easier it will be to persevere until the system stick.

3. Get the right feedback.

Anyone who has been around the Porn Reboot program for even a short period knows how important I think accountability is. I firmly believe that we should not operate in isolation. We spent large portions of our lives isolating ourselves from our porn addiction; we need to do the opposite if we want to control our out-of-control behavior.

If you want to learn the Porn Reboot system quicker, you need to make sure you get the right feedback. This means checking in with someone else to talk about your progress. Find someone in the free Facebook group and offer to be accountability partners. You can work with them to find what worked and what didn’t, and they can offer neutral feedback from their third-party perspective.

4. Don’t compare yourself to other brothers.

You’re obviously learning the Porn Reboot system with the long-term goal of controlling your out-of-control sexual behavior. However, I notice that men tend to compare themselves to other men who are much further ahead in the program. You might look at your accountability partner or another brother in the program and compare your progress to his.

Maybe you wonder why he can function well on four or five hours of sleep while you need seven or eight to feel optimal. But you’re focused on the wrong thing; the ultimate goal is controlling your behavior. The minute details don’t matter as much as the long-term outcome of ending your porn addiction.

5. Don’t compare yourself to an idealized version of yourself.

Sure, the only person you should compare yourself to is who you were yesterday, but that’s also not an excuse to beat yourself up if you fall short. Don’t develop an idealized version of yourself that you then use to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard. I’ve talked before about the fact that ideals are not grounded in reality; don’t fall prey to the temptation of ideals.

You’ll only delay your progress in the Porn Reboot program if you choose to constantly beat yourself up based on what you “could have” or “should have” been. No one can ever achieve perfection, even the most driven of us in the group. Focus on who you are today and take small steps to become 1% better tomorrow.

6. Know when to stop learning something and start applying it.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in and distracted by the learning process that you never apply it. The learning process also has the illusion of safety. If you constantly spend your time learning but never applying things, you trick yourself into believing that you aren’t exposing yourself to the possibility of failure.

In reality, the longer you stay in the learning phase, the longer you delay your progress. You live in a hypothetical world until you start applying what you’ve learned to your real life. You must know when it’s time to pause the podcast and implement these strategies in your work life, family life, and sex life. Take moments to apply what you learn before returning to absorb more information.

7. Avoid chasing clarity.

Too many men think they must have absolute clarity before making a decision. I have news for you, though; you’ll never have all of the answers or information you need to decide. You have to learn to make decisions without full clarity. Delaying things based on a lack of clarity will leave you delaying things for the rest of your life.

No matter what you do, you will always have insufficient information. That doesn’t mean constantly making blind decisions about everything in your life. I mean you must learn to trust yourself to know when you have enough information to make an informed decision and move forward with your life.

8. Recognize that you don’t need to know everything to succeed.

You don’t need to understand every aspect of the Porn Reboot system to succeed. You also don’t need to understand every single aspect of sexually compulsive behavior to end your porn addiction.

I’ve learned so many things since ending my out-of-control behavior but I didn’t need to know them to end it in the first place. It’s okay if there are things you don’t know right now; just get started and you’re bound to learn as you go.

9. Understand how you learn best.

Every person has certain ways they prefer to learn that work best for them. Some are visual learners, some are kinesthetic learners, some are auditory learners, and some learn through writing and reading. Personally, I learn more from reading and listening but not as much from watching. I understand that about myself so I choose to read books and take notes when I want to learn about a topic.

Figure out which approach to learning works for you and follow through on it. Don’t worry which way works best for others; that goes back to not comparing yourself. Focus on the ways that work for you and lean into them.

10. Employ the power of visualization.

Whenever you learn about a new aspect of the Porn Reboot system, take a moment to visualize you using it in real life. This is a good way to practice what the strategy might look like or how it may play out before a situation arises when you need to use it.

Visualization is a powerful tool and is great for men struggling to implement the Porn Reboot system. If you’re trying to learn the system quicker and aren’t using visualization, you’re missing out. I still use this method to this day for many different things I’m working on in my life. It takes practice but once you become adept at it, you’ll realize how beneficial it can be.

Discover 7 Secrets To Eliminate Porn Addiction Forever

J.K Emezi

How to Use Masturbation to Overcome Unwanted Fantasies

Survival Mode

Thrive Mode

Impact Mode

What Mode Are You In?

Surrender and the Porn Reboot System

Why Surrender is Helpful

Surrender and the Porn Reboot Program

Surrender to the need for a new way of living

Surrender to the need for accountability

Surrender to the need for reprioritization

Where Do You Need to Surrender?

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker

1. Decide you’re going to focus on rebooting.

2. Set realistic expectations of what you can absorb at one time.

3. Get the right feedback.

4. Don’t compare yourself to other brothers.

5. Don’t compare yourself to an idealized version of yourself.

6. Know when to stop learning something and start applying it.

7. Avoid chasing clarity.

8. Recognize that you don’t need to know everything to succeed.

9. Understand how you learn best.

10. Employ the power of visualization.