Should You Surrender?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

I work with many men who tried to work their way through their porn addiction in a 12-step group before arriving at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not the biggest fan of these groups myself but I know some people find their solution in those rooms. I want to cover a topic today that is a big part of the 12-step approach to recovery: surrender.

Anyone who spends even a few weeks around a 12-step group will undoubtedly hear the idea that you must surrender to a higher power to overcome your addiction. The dictionary defines surrender as ceasing resistance to an enemy or opponent and submitting to their authority. 12-step groups are loosely based on Christian principles so surrendering to a higher power makes sense in that context.

The issue with surrender, though, is that a lot of men aren’t willing to do that. It’s not that they’re necessarily unwilling to surrender to a higher power; it’s that they aren’t willing to surrender at all. It’s not a part of their nature. They don’t like to submit. They won’t accept that something might be more powerful than they are, and in this case, it’s their porn addiction.

Surrender and the Porn Reboot System

I won’t tell you that you have to submit to a higher power or God or Jesus. That’s not what the Porn Reboot system is about. We aren’t a religious organization and we surely aren’t based on Christianity. That doesn’t mean the Porn Reboot system isn’t aligned with religious values; you’ll find nothing here that goes against however you choose to live your life. But it does mean that it’s accessible to any man regardless of his personal beliefs.

That being said, I do believe that surrender is necessary to overcome your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I’m not saying you have to go to church or pray a rosary to end your porn addiction, but you do have to accept that it’s beyond your control. If you were truly able to do something about it, you wouldn’t be here reading this blog post right now, I guarantee you that.

Why Surrender is Helpful

Surrendering isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. It takes strength to surrender, to recognize when you are in over your head, and to accept that you can’t handle everything life throws at you. That’s hard to come to terms with, especially for men in the Porn Reboot program.

We have a lot of self-made men among our ranks who built massive businesses, climbed corporate ladders, and made names for themselves. Yet they were still brought to their knees by a porn addiction that they couldn’t manage to control.

Surrendering doesn’t mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t smart, strong, or capable. It simply means that you’re willing to recognize when you’re in over your head and are ready to accept a new approach. And that’s where the Porn Reboot system comes in.

Surrender and the Porn Reboot Program

Surrender is a big part of the Porn Reboot program. When men aren’t successful with the system, I usually find it’s because they’re unwilling to surrender in a certain area. There are three primary areas where I find surrender is necessary for success in your reboot.

Surrender to the need for a new way of living

Surrender to the fact that you need a new way to live. If your way of living was successful you wouldn’t be on my website right now reading this blog post. You wouldn’t have done the Google searches necessary to land you here. There’s something about your life that isn’t working and you know it’s true. So it’s time for you to surrender to the need for a new way of living, and you can find that path to live in the system and tools taught in Porn Reboot.

Surrender to the need for accountability

Surrender to the need for accountability. It’s hard for men to let go of the vision they have of themselves, especially when they’ve accomplished so much on their own. This might be the case for you, too. You don’t want to let go of the idea that you’re self-made. You want to believe you can figure this thing out without help. But if that were true then, again, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now. You need support. You need encouragement from men you can respect. You’ll find those things and more in the Porn Reboot groups, from the free Facebook group to the implementation group to the intensive group.

Surrender to the need for reprioritization

Surrender to the need for reprioritization. You probably have very specific ways of managing your time during the week. Trust me, I get it. I still work many 80-hour weeks to this day. But in the early phases of your reboot, you’ll probably have to rearrange some of your schedules. It’s hard to step away from work sometimes but find an hour or two during the week where you can focus completely on yourself and your reboot. These few hours per week will pay dividends in the long run.

Where Do You Need to Surrender?

So, how can you start? I want you to take some time and identify the areas where you’re refusing to surrender. Is it one of the three above? Those are the most common ones I find that hold men back but maybe something else applies to you. Maybe it’s time with your family, maybe it’s your ego, maybe it’s your fear of financial commitment.

Once you identify where you’re unwilling to surrender, face it head-on. Bring it up in the group, send me an email, or talk about it with a reboot strategist. Find someone you can share with and let them know. Putting that reason out in the open takes power away from it and puts you on the path to surrender.

Surrender is an important part of any transformation, brother. It’s not a negative thing. It’s the first step to freedom from anything holding you back and sets you on the right track to reframe your life.

Should You Surrender? Read More »

Why Are You Rebooting?

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

Are you absolutely confused about where you are in the process of ending your behavior with pornography? Are you perhaps a little bit jaded or angry at pornography, at your therapist, at the world, or maybe even at me because you seem to be stuck with this thing? Perhaps you feel like you’ve tried so many things yet nothing has worked; your behavior is still not under control.

I have guys who read this blog, watch our YouTube videos, or listen to the podcast and still find themselves at a loss. Some have even been around the Porn Reboot for months yet can’t manage to make progress at ending their out-of-control behavior. They feel frustrated, dejected, and broken down, left wondering whether they’ll ever find their way out.

I was thinking about this recently because I care deeply about these brothers. I care about them because that was a position I spent years in myself before developing the Porn Reboot system. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get my behavior under control despite wanting it more than anything in the world. It was the most important thing to me yet I relapsed time after time, feeling worse about myself with each slip.

Firstly, brother, I want you to remember you’re a human being. Many men who participate in the early phases of the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program are focused on tactics. They take notes while reading blogs or listening to podcasts and outline different ways they should be tackling their problem head-on. But remember, you’re a human being, not a human doing.

Piling on too many tactics or approaches too quickly leaves you feeling overwhelmed. I’m not saying that the tools and strategies implemented in the Porn Reboot system aren’t important. I’m saying that you can’t take on all of them at once during your first week or two in the program.

It’s sort of like the old saying, “Jack of all trades, master of none.” Stretching your focus across too many directions leaves you unable to develop strength in one particular area. But it would be best if you had that single pillar of strength to lean on before you can build another. You’ll find yourself relapsing over and over if you aren’t willing to narrow your focus to one thing at a time.

Even then, anyone can learn tactics. Anyone can pick up a book off the shelf or watch a YouTube video and learn some tips for developing control over their behavior. You could speak to a therapist or a coach who will also outline plenty of tactics for you to employ that could potentially help you end your out-of-control behavior. And chances are you’ve probably done some of these things, too, yet you still find yourself trapped in a slipped cycle.

Why? Why do you continue to struggle?

Principles, brother. Tactics and strategies without principles are null and void. You must understand why you are rebooting before your reboot can be successful. However, at the same time, your “why” can’t be for anyone but yourself. You can’t end your out-of-control behavior for your wife, your kids, your church, your family, or your career.

You must end your out-of-control behavior for yourself and yourself alone.

You have to want this so badly that nothing will distract or derail you from your reboot. At the beginning of the process, your reboot must come before everything else in your life; you will lose whatever you put ahead of it. After all, you’ve spent years neglecting the things you insist are important; if you truly want them back then you need to focus on building yourself back up first.

The Porn Reboot system offers some simple, universal principles that help with the reboot process. For example, one of the principles of the program is that we view slips and relapses as data. We do not attach emotions to them, we simply acknowledge the fact that they happened and use them to ensure they’re less likely to happen again.

Another example is accepting the truth that all sexual urges pass. It doesn’t matter how intense or pressing the urge feels, it will not last forever. I know this from experience and you’ll learn it with time in the program. No matter how strong or overwhelming, no matter how many hours or days it seems to last, the urge will eventually go away. It may come back another time but it will end then, too. All urges eventually go away.

Principles contain patterns and patterns allow for the predictability. Establishing as much predictability as possible is an important part of a reboot. Slips and relapses lie in the unknown; developing consistency and predictability helps ensure your success in the beginning. This means there is power in predictability, something you probably feel you’ve lost over the years. Developing power over your out-of-control behavior is the ultimate goal of the Porn Reboot program.

But again, you must define why you are rebooting. You have to have a reason or every attempt at regaining control will eventually fail. How are you going to reboot? What is it going to look like? Why are you doing it? Without solid answers to these questions, you’ll find yourself spinning in circles week after week, month after month, and year after year.

Get serious about your reboot, brother, because your quality of life is on the line. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by continuing down the path you’re on. On the other hand, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by learning more about the Porn Reboot system and applying it to your life. What are you waiting for?

Why Are You Rebooting? Read More »

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By J.K Emezi

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker

Over the years I’ve noticed that some brothers struggle with adopting the Porn Reboot system. There are various reasons why a brother might have a hard time implementing the system, whether it’s an exceptionally busy life, a learning disability, or some other circumstance. I found a few tips that have helped these men learn the Porn Reboot system quicker so they can get on to the deeper aspects of the program and I want to share them with you today.

1. Decide you’re going to focus on rebooting.

It’s easy to say you want to focus on your reboot but actually doing it is something else entirely. If you’re having a hard time implementing the system, you must make a firm decision you will focus on rebooting.

Once you do, you must intentionally set aside time for your reboot activities. This could include time to watch a few videos, listen to a podcast, or read some pages from a book that is part of the curriculum.

2. Set realistic expectations of what you can absorb at one time.

If you struggle with learning the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system, it’s unlikely that you’re going to absorb big aspects of the program all at once. I suggest you set realistic expectations for what you can hope to achieve in one focused session.

Don’t sit down expecting yourself to read multiple chapters of a book in one session. Instead, set a goal to read a few pages at a time. The more you set yourself up for small wins, the easier it will be to persevere until the system stick.

3. Get the right feedback.

Anyone who has been around the Porn Reboot program for even a short period knows how important I think accountability is. I firmly believe that we should not operate in isolation. We spent large portions of our lives isolating ourselves from our porn addiction; we need to do the opposite if we want to control our out-of-control behavior.

If you want to learn the Porn Reboot system quicker, you need to make sure you get the right feedback. This means checking in with someone else to talk about your progress. Find someone in the free Facebook group and offer to be accountability partners. You can work with them to find what worked and what didn’t, and they can offer neutral feedback from their third-party perspective.

4. Don’t compare yourself to other brothers.

You’re obviously learning the Porn Reboot system with the long-term goal of controlling your out-of-control sexual behavior. However, I notice that men tend to compare themselves to other men who are much further ahead in the program. You might look at your accountability partner or another brother in the program and compare your progress to his.

Maybe you wonder why he can function well on four or five hours of sleep while you need seven or eight to feel optimal. But you’re focused on the wrong thing; the ultimate goal is controlling your behavior. The minute details don’t matter as much as the long-term outcome of ending your porn addiction.

5. Don’t compare yourself to an idealized version of yourself.

Sure, the only person you should compare yourself to is who you were yesterday, but that’s also not an excuse to beat yourself up if you fall short. Don’t develop an idealized version of yourself that you then use to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard. I’ve talked before about the fact that ideals are not grounded in reality; don’t fall prey to the temptation of ideals.

You’ll only delay your progress in the Porn Reboot program if you choose to constantly beat yourself up based on what you “could have” or “should have” been. No one can ever achieve perfection, even the most driven of us in the group. Focus on who you are today and take small steps to become 1% better tomorrow.

6. Know when to stop learning something and start applying it.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in and distracted by the learning process that you never apply it. The learning process also has the illusion of safety. If you constantly spend your time learning but never applying things, you trick yourself into believing that you aren’t exposing yourself to the possibility of failure.

In reality, the longer you stay in the learning phase, the longer you delay your progress. You live in a hypothetical world until you start applying what you’ve learned to your real life. You must know when it’s time to pause the podcast and implement these strategies in your work life, family life, and sex life. Take moments to apply what you learn before returning to absorb more information.

7. Avoid chasing clarity.

Too many men think they must have absolute clarity before making a decision. I have news for you, though; you’ll never have all of the answers or information you need to decide. You have to learn to make decisions without full clarity. Delaying things based on a lack of clarity will leave you delaying things for the rest of your life.

No matter what you do, you will always have insufficient information. That doesn’t mean constantly making blind decisions about everything in your life. I mean you must learn to trust yourself to know when you have enough information to make an informed decision and move forward with your life.

8. Recognize that you don’t need to know everything to succeed.

You don’t need to understand every aspect of the Porn Reboot system to succeed. You also don’t need to understand every single aspect of sexually compulsive behavior to end your porn addiction.

I’ve learned so many things since ending my out-of-control behavior but I didn’t need to know them to end it in the first place. It’s okay if there are things you don’t know right now; just get started and you’re bound to learn as you go.

9. Understand how you learn best.

Every person has certain ways they prefer to learn that work best for them. Some are visual learners, some are kinesthetic learners, some are auditory learners, and some learn through writing and reading. Personally, I learn more from reading and listening but not as much from watching. I understand that about myself so I choose to read books and take notes when I want to learn about a topic.

Figure out which approach to learning works for you and follow through on it. Don’t worry which way works best for others; that goes back to not comparing yourself. Focus on the ways that work for you and lean into them.

10. Employ the power of visualization.

Whenever you learn about a new aspect of the Porn Reboot system, take a moment to visualize you using it in real life. This is a good way to practice what the strategy might look like or how it may play out before a situation arises when you need to use it.

Visualization is a powerful tool and is great for men struggling to implement the Porn Reboot system. If you’re trying to learn the system quicker and aren’t using visualization, you’re missing out. I still use this method to this day for many different things I’m working on in my life. It takes practice but once you become adept at it, you’ll realize how beneficial it can be.

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker Read More »

The Second Step to Leveling Up Your Reboot

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By J.K Emezi

I want to spend the next few posts sharing some tips on how to level up your reboot. I’m going to break my three-step process down into three separate posts and cover each step in-depth. These three steps are crucial in ensuring I follow through on whatever I set my mind to. Each is a crucial part of the process when I accomplish the goals I set for myself.

The first step I use when setting and following through on goals is making a decision based on my current reality without comparing myself to others. I can’t make any progress if I’m constantly using others as a measuring stick to determine what move to make next.

The second step is developing resolve. Resolving is a vital skill for any man who wants to succeed. I recommend you resolve to transform any challenge you experience into an opportunity. Developing this mindset will help you succeed at anything you decide to do, even if that means making a calculated decision to pivot away from your current goal.

Roadblocks are a part of life. Things don’t always go according to plan. Sometimes we have to adapt to circumstances as they arise. If you have no resolve, you’ll find yourself giving up before the challenges ever really begin. And we already covered the fact that giving up is no longer an option in your new approach to life.

Say you’re in a committed relationship with a woman who knows about your out-of-control sexual behavior. However, she doesn’t know that you relapsed and are struggling to get your behavior under control again. You’re keeping it a secret and hoping she doesn’t find out, but what if she does? Are you prepared to deal with the obstacles that arise?

What if you join the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program and stay off pornography and masturbation for a few months, but eventually you relapse? What would you do if you threw away seven porn-free months? Or what if your behavior escalated to a more severe degree than before? Do you have enough resolve to keep going and try again?

Ultimately, brother, you cannot stop just because you hit an obstacle. If I stopped every time I ran up against an obstacle I would never get anything done. That’s why resolving is the second step in this process. Try to remember that every obstacle you face is simply training for the next stage of your reboot and your life.

I have a few tips to help you along the way to embodying this practice of resolve, and a few action steps to help you bridge the gap between the first and second steps.

Decide if this is a journey you’re willing to commit to.

I define commitment as continuing to do something you said you were going to do long after the emotion of making the decision passes. Everyone wants to quit their out-of-control behavior when their life is falling apart, but what about when it starts coming back together? You must be willing to stick with this long after the desperation wears off. This isn’t an overnight process; it takes 90 days to end your behavior but up to two years to rewire your brain. Are you willing to commit no matter how many tries it takes?

Start thinking about what winning in your reboot looks like.

Define what your reboot looks like to you. What do you want it to feel like? What do you want to accomplish after you end your out-of-control behavior? Where do you hope to be in six months or a year? Start thinking about these things and use them to propel you forward. There’s an important caveat, though; you need to think about what winning looks like for you, not for anyone else. Don’t define it by what I think it should look like, or your wife, your pastor, or your friends. Define it for YOU.

Start taking small actions toward your goal.

You don’t need to take on the entire goal at one time. Break it down into smaller steps. Achieving small wins helps you build momentum so you can keep going once the excitement dies down. The action steps are what separate the people who are willing to work for success from those who only stick around for as long as desperation holds.

Schedule regular reminders to get inspired.

Not taking your reboot seriously is a primary way to kill your inspiration, but another way is to let go of your resolve. For example, say you’re going through an extremely challenging experience that takes a lot of effort to overcome, but you’re negative throughout it and resistant to the process. Sure, you might make it through the obstacle, but you didn’t take anything from it. Remember that every obstacle is an opportunity to grow, and sometimes you need to schedule reminders to keep your perspective in check.

Surround yourself with people on the same journey as you.

I’ll never miss an opportunity to stress the importance of community on your journey, especially the one we’re on. Accountability is a critical part of the reboot process. While your reboot is a very personal journey, none of us have to do it alone. It’s so much easier to commit to the process and keep moving forward when you’re surrounded by other people doing the same thing.

So the first two steps: decide and develop resolve. Both of these lay the groundwork for the third step that I’ll share with you in the next post.

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Medication for a High Sex Drive

Pornography Addiction Treatment / By J.K Emezi

Some mental health professionals carry a dangerous belief that porn addiction is not a real condition. You may have experienced this at some point if you went to a mental health professional for help with your out-of-control behavior. Occasionally a therapist will suggest that your problem isn’t porn addiction but a high sex drive and encourage you to take medication for that problem.

Now as you read this, remember that I’m not a doctor and therefore cannot provide legitimate medical advice. I can only speak anecdotally about my experiences and the experiences of the men I’ve worked with over the years. At the same time, a lot of therapists who recommend medication aren’t doctors and cannot provide prescriptions, either. They also don’t have the same level of knowledge about and experience with pornography addiction. So keep these things in mind.

This recently happened to a brother in our group and he brought up a great question. He said,

“My counselor says that I have an exceptionally high libido that interferes with my life, and recommends that I see someone for medication to lower it. I used to take Wellbutrin to help with impulse control but stopped taking it a while ago. Is anyone in the group doing this along with their reboot, or does anyone have experience with taking medication specifically to help you control your behavior?”

Before I dive into my response, I want to share an incredible response from another brother in the group. He responded before I had a chance to and provided an incredibly well-thought-out answer. He replied,

“I also have an exceptional libido, but libido itself has never been the issue for me. Rather, the issue has been my refusal to feel what I feel and know what I know, and my pattern of using sexual indulgence to escape my own experience. Temporarily taking medication or supplements to reduce libido may help you out of a crisis and through withdrawals, but I recommend against them as a long-term strategy of self-control.

“My ultimate objective is the integration of my libido and my integrity without suppression or indulgence. I personally experienced a dramatic reduction in libido for several weeks after minor surgery, and I haven’t noticed anything else in my life that obviously reduced libido.”

I believe this brother hit the nail on the head. Regardless of the “cause” of your out-of-control behavior, I don’t believe that medication is a long-term solution for anything. In my experience, medication often serves as a bandage rather than a true method of healing. It covers up the problem for a short time but eventually, you need to deal with the true source of the issue.

People who take medication for long periods typically become dependent on it. If you choose to take medication for a “high sex drive”, there’s a chance that you’ll eventually have to deal not only with your out-of-control behavior but also with getting off of that medication.

I noticed another red flag in our brother’s original question. He mentioned that his counselor jumped straight from diagnosing him with a high sex drive to offering medication. If this is truly how the process played out, that therapist missed a lot of opportunities to consider and address other important factors at play when it comes to compulsive sexual behaviors.

I’ve found that many therapists don’t truly understand how porn addiction works. While some take the time to learn about the reality of the condition, many dismiss it as not a “real” problem. Occasionally brothers find themselves under the care of these dismissive therapists and that’s a dangerous place to be. These therapists aren’t familiar with the complexities of out-of-control sexual behavior and often neglect to consider alternatives to medications.

They likely don’t understand the importance of anchoring your day. They probably don’t encourage you to find an accountability partner. They might work with you on developing emotional awareness or boundaries, but not through the lens of compulsive sexual behavior. They often don’t understand factors like time of day or specific environmental triggers either. They just want to stick you on medication and call it a day.

Another thing to think about is therapists who suggest that porn addiction is really a high sex drive often neglect to take a blood work panel before recommending medication. How can they possibly know the cause of your supposed high sex drive if they don’t have any data or numbers to back it up? I always recommend taking a blood work panel before making any decisions like that.

I don’t want this to turn into an anti-medication rant. I’m not at all anti-medication; in fact, I think it’s a helpful tool in certain situations. But I do not believe that medication is an effective long-term solution, especially for brothers struggling with compulsive sexual behavior. I think there are many alternatives that therapists and doctors often neglect to recommend before jumping straight to medication.

I think there is a checklist you should run through before deciding to take medication for your compulsive sexual behavior. First, determine whether your therapist is knowledgeable about porn addiction in the first place. Second, get a blood work panel and find out what your total testosterone and free testosterone levels are. Third, identify whether there is any childhood trauma at play that may fuel your behavior. And finally, after checking all of these boxes you can make an informed decision about whether a short-term medication plan is right for you.

I know medication wasn’t necessary for my situation and it often isn’t for the brothers that I work with. We learn to control our out-of-control behaviors by working with our biology to rewire our brains. We don’t need to use medication as a crutch; we lean on each other during tough times and lift one another when we’re on an upswing.

The Porn Reboot program is designed specifically to help you end your out-of-control sexual behavior. We don’t push meds, therapy, or psychiatry on you, nor are we opposed to using those tools when they’re necessary. We simply encourage you to identify the approach that works best for you and take the appropriate action to end your behavior with porn for good.

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Three Modes of Reboot Progress

Porn Addiction Recovery / By J.K Emezi

I often hear from guys in our Porn Reboot groups who were doing well for a period then fell off seemingly out of nowhere. Everything was going right: they were eating well, they were on a good trajectory in their career, their family life was calm, and they were staying away from porn and masturbation. But all of a sudden something happened, a little unexpected twist, and they slipped.

I know I have some experience with that, too. There were times in my life when my gym routine was on point, I could take rejection from women without batting an eye, I was eating well, and my performance at work was top-notch. Then a little thing would happen and completely throw me off.

I have this concept that I think describes these situations perfectly. I call it the three modes of reboot progress. These three modes include:

Survival Mode
Thrive Mode
Impact Mode

If you keep struggling with taking three steps forward and three steps back, this might be helpful for you. I encourage you to read this post and then do some journaling to determine which mode you may be in at the moment.

So, what does each mode entail?

Survival Mode

The dictionary defines survival as continuing to exist or remaining intact. Living in survival mode means doing just enough to get by without completely breaking down. From what I’ve noticed in over a decade of working with men and observing general human behavior, the majority of people live their whole lives in survival mode. They spend the entirety of their time on this planet doing what they can scrape by but never moving beyond this.

When you’re in survival mode you lack clarity, purpose, or aim; you’re simply doing all you can to make it through the day. You’re treading water trying to pay the bills, support your family, and make ends meet. Maybe your ideal weight is 175 but you’re sitting at an overweight 230 pounds doing what you can to keep the scale from climbing higher, but nothing to bring that number down.

People living in survival mode are terrified of taking risks. They aren’t willing to bet on themselves. They’re not willing to step out of their comfort zone (no matter how uncomfortable it looks from the outside) and do what it takes to rise above. And if you’re in survival mode, you’re going to stay stuck in the same miserable cycle of three steps forward, three steps back.

Men living in survival mode feel entitled. They believe the government should take care of them, that women owe them sex, and that they deserve compliments for completing even the most basic of tasks. If you’re stuck in survival mode, chances are you’re too busy blaming others for your problems or looking for shortcuts to take responsibility for your actions. But realizing and accepting personal responsibility is necessary to escape the survival mode cycle.

I don’t work with men stuck in survival mode. There’s nothing I can do to help them. Until they are willing to step up to the plate and take responsibility for their lives, there isn’t a single thing I can do to make them see what they need to do. If this is you, I suggest you swallow your pride, own up to the truth of your reality, and get ready to make some changes as soon as possible.

Thrive Mode

The next mode is thrive mode. Men in thrive mode have escaped survival mode but are now stuck in a different type of downward spiral, and often can’t understand why. These men are experiencing growth in every area of their reboot, doing well in their careers, rebuilding their families, and getting their health in order, but they don’t know when to stop. It’s like the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other.

Thrive mode is deceiving because it feels like you’re in a good place. You make good money, you have nice things, you don’t need to worry about your bills, and you can often afford to do whatever you want to do. Sure, you still experience challenges but they are different types of challenges than those you face in survival mode.

The men in our implementation and intensive programs typically tend to be in thrive mode. Men who make the financial commitment to our group have usually escaped survival mode and recognize the worth of investing in themselves. However, they still can’t seem to make it over the final mental hump. They still have an empty pit inside that they try to fill with this insatiable hunger for success, but no matter how far they move up the ladder they still feel like they aren’t winning.

Does this feel familiar? If so, there’s one final piece of the puzzle that you’re missing. The seeming strengths that brought you this far will continue to be your weaknesses. You can continue building your business, expanding your stock portfolio, adding 0’s to your bank account, and showering your family with everything they could possibly need or want, but you won’t fill that emptiness inside of you until you move into the final mode.

Impact Mode

Impact mode is the third and final mode of reboot progress. It’s the most difficult one to come to terms with but it’s also the most rewarding. I didn’t get there myself until just the last few years but I believe it’s something that every man should aim for. You transition into impact mode once you recognize that you didn’t move from survival mode to thrive mode alone, no matter how self-made you believe you are.

People paved the way and lifted you up in different ways along your journey. It happened with a little bit of kindness here or an important bit of well-timed wisdom or advice there. Now you’re at a place surrounded by abundance, every area of your reboot is thriving, and you have more than you could ever need. Your life is so full that you have almost no choice but to help other people, but if you choose to continue amassing things trying to fill that empty pit then you miss the beauty of impact mode.

Once you realize that true joy and fulfillment come from helping others, you cross the bridge from thrive mode to impact mode. It’s a wonderful gift to turn around and help others the way you were helped along the way, too. You’re not consumed by the fear of not making it in life or the fear of losing everything; you know that you’re in a good place and you want to share the path to this place with others.

What Mode Are You In?

So I want you to ask yourself, brother, what mode are you in? Put your ego aside, look around you, and answer honestly. If you’re in survival mode, stop blaming other people. Start hanging out with those doing better than you are and set some goals. If you’re in thrive mode, start asking yourself what you can do to remove the focus from you and shift it to others.

Set some time aside, do some writing, and figure out which mode you are in. Once you can answer honestly, start doing the work to move into the next phase, with the goal of ultimately arriving at impact mode. And on the off chance that you are already in impact mode, what can you do to create more impact? Can you turn up the volume? Can you do more?

As men who have learned to control their out-of-control behavior, I believe we have a responsibility to help others. Aside from meditation, I feel most fulfilled when I’m working with other men. Maybe you disagree with that, but I know it’s the case for me. And maybe it’s because you haven’t reached impact mode yet, brother, because there is so much more to life than simply amassing things. We have the opportunity to impact the world for the better.

Three Modes of Reboot Progress Read More »

The Third Step to Leveling Up Your Reboot

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By J.K Emezi

I want to spend the next few posts sharing some tips on how to level up your reboot. I’m going to break my three-step process down into three separate posts and cover each step in-depth. These three steps are crucial in ensuring I follow through on whatever I set my mind to. Each is an imperative part of the process when I accomplish the goals I set for myself.

Over the last few days, I wrote about the first two steps to leveling up your porn addiction recovery reboot and progressing in life as a whole. First, I covered the importance of making a firm decision without comparing yourself to others. Second, I covered how crucial it is to develop resolve, mentally prepare yourself for inevitable obstacles, and turn those obstacles into opportunities.

Today I bring you the most important step in the process. Without this you’ll never make the progress you so desperately hope to achieve. The third step to leveling up in your reboot, brother, is taking action, and you must take this step quickly. Speed is critical.

You can’t say I’ll start tomorrow. You can’t say I’ll start once I install a filter on my device. You have to start NOW. Immediate action is vital because your limiting beliefs and habit patterns will keep you trapped in the same cycle you’ve been in for months or years. You cannot give those beliefs and behaviors a chance to pop up; they are powerful and will sabotage you every time. You have less than five seconds to act before your unconscious mind comes up with all sorts of reasons and excuses for slowing down.

I’ll use a simple example for this three-step process. Let’s say you decide you are going to start waking up early at 5:00 AM. Step one is done. Then you resolve to wake up despite any obstacles that arise, such as a late night with your kid, feeling very tired, your bed being too comfortable, whatever it is. This is a new opportunity for you to learn discipline and deal with resistance. Now you’ve done step two.

Step three is to take action. What do you do when the alarm clock goes off the next morning? Your eyes should open and you should immediately jump out of bed. But lots of guys hit the wall when they reach this point. They decide to hit snooze just once and lay in bed for a few more minutes to gather their thoughts.

Boom. They’re already done for. They set the pace for their day with that one small decision.

Immediate action is crucial, brother. You need to jump out of bed immediately when your alarm goes off. You have five seconds to make that decision, resolve yourself, and take action, or your habit patterns that are years in the making will take over every single time.

Procrastination is not part of the routine of any successful rebooter. Men who end their out-of-control behavior with porn and masturbation and successfully rewire their brains are men who take action. That isn’t to say it’s something that happens overnight; you spent years building up this behavior and it will take at least a few weeks to break it back down. But that means weeks of immediate contrary action in the face of instant gratification.

Maybe you’re asking yourself right now, “What if I don’t have enough time to take action right now?” Perhaps it’s a big project that requires some serious man-hours. But here’s the thing: I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. You’re overthinking it. There is always at least one small action you can take to push back against your ingrained habits and move forward. You just need to do something to get started.

For example, I always suggest new brothers in the group introduce themselves within the first 24 hours of joining. All it takes is a quick introduction to get yourself in the middle of the pack. But brothers who choose not to introduce themselves immediately are less likely to participate in the future.

Your mind must receive the message that the task you’re working towards is so important that you must do it immediately. And you can’t tell me you aren’t used to taking immediate action, you just do it in the wrong direction. You’re probably great at taking immediate action toward distracting yourself. I’m sure you’re quick to jump on YouTube or some other website or app that you enjoy when you’re feeling a bit unmotivated.

You apply these three steps but toward something that drags you backward. You decide to watch some videos or scroll on your phone. You resolve yourself to the idea that nothing will derail you from pursuing this relaxing distraction. And then you take immediate action.

See? You’re already using this three-step process. Now you need to use it to take action that will help you level up in your reboot, not down. Make a decision, resolve yourself, and take action. It’s that simple, brother. It takes time to develop this new habit but I’ve seen countless brothers do it, I know you’re more than capable of it, and the results that come from it will amaze you.

The Third Step to Leveling Up Your Reboot Read More »

The Isolated Porn Addict

Porn Addiction Problems / By J.K Emezi

Today’s topic comes from a question brought up in one of our groups. This brother asked,

“J.K., I read your post saying that people who try to live a balanced life tend to not know what their priorities are. I’m headed into my second year of university and my goal is to boost my GPA and improve my social reboot capital by joining clubs at school.

I tend to isolate myself when it comes to my studies, though. I don’t participate in class discussions or answer questions when the teacher asks them. Instead of studying with friends, I go to the library alone and study by myself. I stay in my room, sleep, and repeat.

Is it possible for me to hit both goals or do I need to prioritize one over the other? I don’t want this year in university to be like the first one when I felt overcome by loneliness as I watched my peers connect, but I also don’t want to fail my classes either.”

This is a fantastic question. I appreciate it because it applies not only to our brothers in school but to our brothers in their careers as well. Whether you’re busy with classes and studying or work and trying to build a business or get a promotion, each of these is an important achievement to work towards.

At the same time, many of us find ourselves isolated from our fellows as a result of our out-of-control behavior. We spent years withdrawing from others as we hid away in a cocoon of compulsive porn addiction problem. Reintegrating with the world is a vital part of the reboot process.

But what does rebuilding your social reboot capital look like? It might not look the same for you as it does for other brothers, especially if you’re more of an introvert. This brother mentioned that he prefers studying alone at the library or in his room. He’s attempting to put himself out there by joining some clubs on campus, but he still finds himself spending much of his time alone.

Social reboot capital doesn’t necessarily mean you can tolerate spending hours at a time with people. You must determine who you are as a person when identifying what an effective social reboot looks like for you. That means finding the amount of socialization you can tolerate before losing interest.

Honestly, I’m a pretty big introvert. I find it rejuvenating to spend time alone. I don’t mean isolating myself from people for weeks at a time, but I need some alone time every day. That applies at home, out on the road, or even on guys’ trips with my friends. I recently went to Nashville with some buddies and while they all booked an AirBnB together, I opted to get a hotel room nearby.

I still had some work to do and clients to speak to so I needed space for that. I also prioritize my morning routine and don’t want interruptions, so having my own space made that easier, too. And honestly, there’s only so much catching up I can do with these guys though I still see them as great friends.

We were out there for three days. I had a great time when we went to dinner, hit the gym, or stopped by a bar. I could socialize with them through all of these events and had a blast doing it. At the same time, it was nice to have a space to return to at the end of the night where I didn’t have to deal with guys staying up, talking, and drinking all night. I could maintain my priorities while still having a great time with my friends.

I used to feel like that meant something was wrong with me, but the more time passes, the more I realize that I’m simply an introvert. I need that time alone to recharge my batteries. That might be the case for this brother and it may be the case for you, too. There’s nothing wrong with needing a bit more solitude than those around you.

Don’t use your introverted preferences as a reason to avoid engaging with others, though. It’s important to find some ways to socialize that are interesting and engaging for you. You can join campus clubs, sign up for a dance class, join an improv group, enroll in a martial arts class, or start Brazilian jiu-jitsu, just to name a few. It’s important to put yourself out there socially at least once or twice a week so you start interacting with the world again.

Putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations is the only way we will grow. I had to do it when I was selling Bibles door-to-door as I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about or read here on the blog before. I needed to purposefully put myself in situations where I needed to be social, no matter how uncomfortable I felt at the time.

One of the most important ways you can put yourself out there, brother, is to be a friend. The best way to find a friend is to be a friend. I decided I was going to be the type of friend I was looking for and this was by far the most effective approach I could have taken. I chose to show up for people until they gave me a reason not to. I became far more willing to spend time with people I would not have normally spent time with. And the results were pretty incredible.

I’ll admit not all of those friendships worked out. Some guys I spent time with were needy, others were consistently negative. On the other hand, some of the men I met during this period are still my best friends today. They’re creating exciting lives, building successful businesses, starting beautiful families, and enjoying what the world has to offer.

So I don’t think this brother is abandoning his GPA to build a social life. I think he can find a good balance between the two things by getting honest with himself about who he is and how he prefers to socialize. Perhaps he’s expending more energy than necessary by telling himself he needs to be more social than he prefers. And the same may apply to you, too.

Start by identifying what an effective social reboot looks like for you and go from there. Determine how your progress in your schooling or career fits into that social aspect. And even if you choose to spend more time on your own, don’t neglect the critical component that socialization brings to your reboot either. You can reach a place in the middle that works for you because you alone know what’s best for your social situation.

The Isolated Porn Addict Read More »

Discover 7 Secrets To Eliminate Porn Addiction Forever

J.K Emezi

Surrender and the Porn Reboot System

Why Surrender is Helpful

Surrender and the Porn Reboot Program

Surrender to the need for a new way of living

Surrender to the need for accountability

Surrender to the need for reprioritization

Where Do You Need to Surrender?

How To Learn the Porn Reboot System Quicker

1. Decide you’re going to focus on rebooting.

2. Set realistic expectations of what you can absorb at one time.

3. Get the right feedback.

4. Don’t compare yourself to other brothers.

5. Don’t compare yourself to an idealized version of yourself.

6. Know when to stop learning something and start applying it.

7. Avoid chasing clarity.

8. Recognize that you don’t need to know everything to succeed.

9. Understand how you learn best.

10. Employ the power of visualization.

Survival Mode

Thrive Mode

Impact Mode

What Mode Are You In?