And I have decided that this will be my last year coaching.
Before I explain what that means, please allow me to share some basic data.
I’ve been porn free and rebooted for 16 years now.
I’ve been coaching for 12 years.
There are many stats I can share – but the most important one is the men who ended their out-of-control behavior.
In all honesty, my tracking of rebooted clients was sloppy till 2020, when I actually hired someone to track rebooted brothers.
All men were full-time members of our program. This data does not include the hundreds of men who ended or controlled their behavior using our free resources, nor does it include those still in the program who have yet to reboot.
2020: 282 men
2021: 238 men
2022: 264 men
2023: 323 men (out of those who enrolled in Dec 2022)
I don’t know if those numbers are “impressive” or not because I don’t give a sh*t what any other program or therapist accomplishes.
What I do know is that these men were done with this behavior inside of a year; their behavior was tracked, and their lives were transformed.
I love reboot coaching. It changed my life, the life of the Elevated Recovery team, and that of thousands of men.
However, as you can see from the numbers above – my impact is limited.
If we could add a “0” to the end of those numbers every two years or so, the world would be a much better place.
Growing older has me thinking of the impact I can make and HOW I can make it.
Right now – it isn’t through coaching. And let’s keep it real – 16 years is a long time. I don’t know what’s out there these days in terms of porn. I just know how to free men from its bondage.
The world is rapidly sexualizing and morally rotting.
You see it.
Sex trafficking, Onlyfans, AI girlfriends, normalization of child s*xual abuse…
It’s disgusting.
It is time for PornReboot to become a movement.
A force beyond me. Something which every rebooted man can teach other men.
That’s why 2024 will be my last year coaching men in groups.
I will still coach select clients one-on-one on a limited basis. You can learn more about that here.
I will remain the CEO of Elevated Recovery, but coaching in Elevated Recovery will be carried by our Certified Reboot Coaches – men who have been my personal clients and trained with me for 2-4 years while demonstrating mastery of their reboot.
Remember, we have coaching 7 Days a week in the Implementation program – sessions also run by Coach Milan, Dr. Eastman, etc. Personally, I will continue to coach my a$$ off until the end of this year.
Our goal is 700 men rebooted. More than double last year.
You can still catch me group coaching in the Implementation Program and every week in the Intensive program (which includes 1-1 coaching every Wednesday afternoon) through December 2024.
If you’d like to be coached by me during this last year of coaching to end your out-of-control behavior, schedule a call with my team here: https://elevatedrecovery.org/survey.
In an era saturated with digital stimuli, it’s no wonder countless individuals find themselves trapped in the throes of porn addiction. The hidden nature of this addiction often makes it challenging to confront and address. Yet, like any habit, the desire and determination to break free are paramount. If you’re reading this, chances are you’re seeking information on how to stop porn addiction. This article aims to empower you with practical steps, ensuring you regain control of your life and end this overpowering dependency.
Acknowledge and Accept
Denial can be your greatest enemy. Accepting that you’re struggling is the first step towards change. Give yourself the grace to admit the problem without being overly critical. Remember, self-compassion can be a crucial ally in your recovery journey.
Understand Your Triggers
Awareness is power. By identifying specific triggers or situations that lead you to seek out porn, you can develop strategies to counteract or avoid them. It could be loneliness, stress, certain environments, or even specific times of the day.
Create Barriers
Put obstacles between you and the content:
Digital Filters: Use website blockers and parental controls to prevent access to adult sites.
Public Spaces: Using devices in common areas or shared spaces can deter the temptation due to the need for more privacy.
Accountability Software: Tools that track and report your online activities to a trusted friend can add a layer of accountability.
Replace the Habit
Breaking a habit is challenging, but replacing it with another can be more manageable. Identify activities that make you feel fulfilled or happy. It could be a new hobby, exercise, reading, or even learning a new skill.
Seek Professional Guidance
There’s no shame in seeking help. A therapist or counselor specializing in addiction can provide valuable insights and tools to stop porn addiction. They can offer tailored strategies based on your personal experiences and challenges.
Rebuild Relationships
Porn addiction can strain personal relationships. Take proactive steps to mend these ties:
Open Communication: Discuss your struggles with close friends or family. Their support can be invaluable.
Quality Time: Spend genuine, quality time with loved ones. This reinforces real connections over the false intimacy portrayed in pornography.
Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
These techniques can help you become more aware of your cravings and triggers, allowing you to face them head-on rather than act impulsively. Over time, mindfulness can reduce the intensity and frequency of these cravings.
Join a Support Group
There are many groups, like Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), that offer a safe environment to share experiences and learn from others who have faced similar challenges. Knowing you’re not alone in your journey can be immensely comforting.
Educate Yourself
Understanding the repercussions of the porn industry, both on a personal and societal level, can solidify your commitment to break free. There are countless documentaries, articles, and books detailing the negative impact of porn on mental health, relationships, and society.
Celebrate Your Progress
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Celebrate your milestones, no matter how small. Whether it’s a week, a month, or a year of staying clean, each step deserves recognition and celebration.
Stay Vigilant
While celebrating progress is vital, it’s equally crucial to remain alert. Temptations might crop up, and relapses can occur. Instead of wallowing in guilt, understand that recovery is an ongoing process. Learn from relapses and strategize to avoid future slips.
Prioritize Self-Care
Your well-being is paramount. Incorporate self-care routines into your daily life, whether exercising, a spa day, reading, or merely spending time in nature. When you feel good about yourself, the temptation to seek external validation or escape diminishes.
In conclusion, the path to learning how to stop porn addiction is deeply personal, marked with unique challenges and victories. But with determination, support, and the right tools, regaining control over your life is entirely achievable. Remember, every day is an opportunity to empower yourself, make positive changes, and live a life free from addiction.
In our digital age, where a plethora of content is merely a click away, many find themselves ensnared by the gripping net of porn addiction. The easy accessibility and seemingly harmless nature of pornography can make it a problematic habit to recognize and address. However, those seeking information on how to stop porn addiction can find hope in holistic approaches that view the person as a whole – encompassing mind, body, and spirit. This article delves deep into holistic remedies, guiding those on their transformative journey beyond the screen.
The Holistic Paradigm
Holistic health posits that the well-being of an individual is not just a sum of parts but a synergy of the mind, body, and spirit. By addressing all these facets, one can better understand and overcome the underlying issues of addiction.
Mental & Emotional Wellness
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Recognized as one of the most effective treatments for various addictions, CBT helps identify negative thought patterns contributing to the addiction. By restructuring these patterns, individuals can develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Becoming present and grounding oneself in the moment can be a powerful deterrent against the escapism offered by porn. Mindfulness meditation guides individuals to recognize their cravings without acting upon them.
Physical Wellness
Regular Exercise: Physical activity releases endorphins, the feel-good hormones. Establishing an exercise regimen can be both a distraction and a healthy way to manage stress, which might otherwise lead to porn consumption.
Dietary Considerations: A balanced diet emphasizing brain-boosting foods can enhance mental clarity and reduce the desire for short-term dopamine hits from pornography.
Adequate Sleep: Fatigue can reduce one’s ability to make sound decisions. Ensuring you get ample rest can bolster your resolve against relapses.
Spiritual Wellness
Connecting with Nature: Spending time outdoors, be it through walks, hikes, or gardening, can serve as a spiritual cleanse. Nature can offer solace and a space for introspection.
Engaging in Acts of Service: Volunteering or helping others can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment that porn simply cannot offer.
Exploration of Faith or Spirituality: For some, diving deeper into their spiritual beliefs or discovering new spiritual practices can be a source of strength and guidance on how to stop porn addiction.
Community & Relationships
Joining Support Groups: Knowing you’re not alone in your struggle can be comforting. Support groups provide a safe space to share experiences, struggles, and victories. Groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or other similar communities can be beneficial.
Fostering Genuine Relationships: Porn often offers a distorted view of intimacy. By building genuine relationships and connections, one can start valuing real emotional bonds over superficial ones.
Artistic Expressions
Writing: Journaling about your experiences or even trying your hand at fiction can be a therapeutic outlet. It provides a platform to process emotions and experiences.
Music & Dance: Engaging in musical or dance activities can be a cathartic way to release pent-up emotions and stress. It offers a mode of self-expression and can be a potent tool against addiction.
Continuous Learning
Educational Workshops: Attending workshops or seminars on addiction can offer new perspectives and tools to handle the issue.
Reading: Exploring books on addiction, self-help, or fiction can provide distractions and insights into managing one’s cravings.
Setting Boundaries
Digital Detox: Periodically unplugging from the digital world can reduce exposure to triggers and provide a much-needed break to recalibrate one’s mind.
Reallocating Time: If certain times of the day are particularly challenging, schedule engaging activities. It could be a hobby, meeting friends, or attending a class.
The journey to stop porn addiction is multifaceted, and the road to recovery requires embracing oneself wholly. Holistic approaches prioritize mind, body, and spirit interconnectedness, offering tools and strategies that move beyond mere abstinence. It’s a call to transform one’s life comprehensively, ensuring that the void left by porn is filled with meaningful experiences, connections, and personal growth.
In the digital age we live in, where access to explicit content is easier than ever before, the phenomenon of porn addiction has become a growing concern. While it often begins innocently as a mere curiosity, it can quickly progress into a full-fledged compulsion that affects an individual’s mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. Recognizing the signs of porn addiction symptoms is crucial in effectively understanding and addressing this issue. In this article, we will trace the path from curiosity to compulsion, shedding light on the evolving nature of porn addiction and the warning signs.
Understanding Porn Addiction
Porn addiction, clinically known as Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD), refers to the inability to control the consumption of explicit sexual content, leading to negative consequences in various aspects of life. It’s essential to note that porn addiction is a behavioral addiction, similar in many ways to substance addictions like drugs or alcohol. The journey from curiosity to compulsion often unfolds subtly, making recognizing the early signs of porn addiction symptoms challenging.
Curiosity and Initial Exposure
The path to porn addiction typically begins with curiosity. It might start innocently, with a teenager stumbling upon explicit material online or an adult’s interest in exploring new experiences. The initial exposure to pornography is not necessarily problematic. It’s a natural curiosity about human sexuality that most people experience at some point.
However, this initial curiosity can lead to more frequent consumption if not managed responsibly. As access to explicit content becomes more accessible, the line between curiosity and regular consumption can blur.
Escalation in Consumption
One of the earliest signs of potential porn addiction symptoms is the escalation in consumption. What begins as occasional viewing out of curiosity can quickly progress to regular, even daily, consumption. This shift often occurs due to the powerful allure of explicit material, which can lead to increased interest and time spent engaging with it.
Individuals experiencing this escalation may prioritize porn over other activities, including work, social interactions, and personal responsibilities. This can be the first indicator that curiosity is turning into compulsion.
Emotional Impact
As porn consumption becomes more frequent, individuals may experience emotional changes. They might feel guilt or shame about their growing interest in explicit content, especially if it conflicts with their values or beliefs. This emotional turmoil is a significant red flag for potential porn addiction symptoms.
Moreover, individuals struggling with porn addiction may find it increasingly challenging to manage their emotions. They may use pornography to cope with stress, anxiety, or loneliness, leading to a cycle of emotional dependence on explicit material.
Neglecting Responsibilities
A hallmark sign of porn addiction symptoms is the neglect of responsibilities. As consumption escalates, individuals may find it challenging to balance their obligations at work, in school, or in their personal lives. This neglect can result in decreased productivity, missed deadlines, and strained relationships with friends and family members.
When the pursuit of pornography begins to interfere with one’s ability to meet their responsibilities and fulfill their commitments, it becomes evident that curiosity has evolved into something more problematic.
Escalation of Content
Another concerning aspect of porn addiction is the escalation of the content being consumed. What started as curiosity about human sexuality can evolve into a search for more extreme or explicit material. This can lead to an individual seeking out content that they once found shocking or unacceptable.
This escalation in content consumption indicates that curiosity has transformed into a compulsion to find increasingly stimulating material, a classic sign of porn addiction.
Failed Attempts to Quit
Individuals who realize their consumption of explicit content has become problematic may attempt to quit or reduce their habit. However, one of the defining features of addiction is the repeated failure to quit or control the behavior. Those with porn addiction symptoms often make sincere promises to themselves or loved ones to stop but return to the same behavior shortly after.
These failed attempts to quit can be demoralizing and contribute to a sense of helplessness, as the compulsion to consume pornography appears beyond their control.
Isolation and Secrecy
As the addiction deepens, individuals may become increasingly secretive about their behavior. They might clear their browsing history, use private browsing modes, or create separate email accounts to hide their activities. This secrecy is a way to protect the addiction and avoid judgment or intervention.
Simultaneously, individuals grappling with porn addiction symptoms may withdraw from social activities, preferring to spend more time alone. This isolation often stems from shame or embarrassment about their behavior.
Impact on Relationships
One of the most devastating consequences of porn addiction is its impact on relationships. Partners of individuals struggling with porn addiction often feel betrayed, hurt, and inadequate due to their loved one’s excessive consumption of explicit material. This can lead to strained relationships and, in severe cases, separation or divorce.
Recognizing that addiction is not just a personal struggle but also affecting one’s relationships is a significant turning point in acknowledging the depth of the problem.
Seeking Help for Porn Addiction Symptoms
Recognizing these subtle porn addiction symptoms is a critical first step toward addressing the issue. It’s essential to remember that addiction is treatable, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you or someone you know is struggling with porn addiction symptoms, consider taking the following steps:
Self-reflection: Reflect on your behavior and its impact on your life and relationships.
Professional help: Consult a therapist or counselor specializing in addiction for personalized support and guidance.
Support groups: Joining a support group for individuals dealing with porn addiction can provide a sense of community and understanding.
Open communication: If you suspect a loved one is struggling with porn addiction, approach the topic with empathy and open communication to encourage them to seek help.
Digital detox: Consider limiting access to explicit content using website blockers and filters.
Conclusion
The journey from curiosity to compulsion in the realm of pornography addiction can be a perilous one. By recognizing the subtle porn addiction symptoms along this path, we hope to encourage open conversations about this issue and provide support and resources for those in need. Remember, you are not alone; help is available for those seeking it. Let’s break the silence surrounding porn addiction and help individuals find their way back to a healthier, more balanced life.
Having a purpose is a necessity while you’re rebooting.
Stagnation is one of the main causes of your problem with pornography. You had nothing else driving you in life to keep you from your continued engagement with your behavior. If you don’t find a purpose while rebooting, it won’t take long for you to fall back into your old behaviors.
But how can you find your purpose if you have no idea what it is?
When men ask me about finding their purpose, they’re often alluding to something deep within them. It’s something that comes from an unquestionable place of consciousness. It’s the firm understanding of what you’re supposed to be doing with your life.
There are certain conditions under which your soul will reveal your purpose to you, that unquestionable and unshakable truth that comes up from within you. You need to reach a place of peace, trust, truth, and authenticity within yourself before your purpose will be revealed.
When you’re dealing with something like pornography addiction, that leads to the opposite of those conditions. Nothing about pornography is real. It’s not a real way of dealing with your problems. It’s not real intimacy. So how can you expect to find your purpose when you’re stuck in the cycle of pornography addiction?
Your purpose won’t reveal itself the moment you decide to reboot. It won’t suddenly become clear after you have a week free from pornography. But if you commit to the system, focus on your reboot, and adhere to the path, you’ll create that ideal environment within yourself. After that, your soul and your consciousness will take care of the rest for you.
It warps your perception and twists your mind over time. It’s a difficult addiction to live with and learning to control your sexual behavior is no easy feat. But just because it’s a challenge doesn’t mean that it’s impossible.
The Porn Reboot system is the result of overcoming my behavior with pornography. Thousands of men have used it to control their out-of-control behavior as well. We make up some of the greatest success stories when it comes to porn addiction effects and compulsive sexual behavior.
Over the years I’ve noticed that porn addiction plays tricks on men as they work through the Porn Reboot system. It tells them different things that simply aren’t true. These tricks are your addict mind’s attempt to push you back into behaviors that aren’t good for you.
How does porn addiction try to lie to you as you work to overcome it?
You’ll Think You’re Not Getting Better
Porn addiction will have you believing that you’re not making any progress or getting better. It doesn’t matter which system you use, whether it’s Porn Reboot or another system; the experience is the same. Your porn addiction will try to trick you into thinking that you’re not making any changes in your life.
You’re consistent. You’re putting in the work. You’re doing your morning routine, having dialogues, and staying accountable. In many cases, you haven’t even slipped or relapsed. But you’ll still find yourself feeling like the system you’re using isn’t doing anything. This can happen to you at any point during your early reboot, whether you’re at 60 days, 90 days, 120 days, or even a year in.
The moment you fall for this, though, you’re mentally done with whatever system you’re using. You could be working with a therapist, attending a 12-step program, or using the Porn Reboot system, but the moment you buy into this trick you’re done. You’ll believe you haven’t made progress and that it’s too challenging.
But here’s the thing: you ARE making progress. If you have a morning routine, are conversing with men in the group, staying accountable, and starting to make changes, you’re progressing. It’s easy to overlook this progress when you’re in the middle of it but it’s happening.
A good way to determine your progress is to look to those around you. Seek some input from the people who are important to you. Maybe it’s your good friends, your parents, your girlfriend, or your spouse. They have a good understanding of who you are and where you’ve come from. They’ll have the best insight into how well you’re doing.
If these people notice a change in you then it means something is happening. You might not be able to see the changes because you live with yourself every day but trust those who care about you; they’ll have your best interest at heart and more realistic insight on whether you’re getting better.
You’ll Believe You Aren’t Smart Enough
Porn addiction will try to trick you into thinking that you’re not smart enough to reboot. It’ll have you believing that rebooting is an intensive process and requires a lot of intelligence to be successful.
This is another trick, brother. It is a flat-out lie. Rebooting is a simple process. The Porn Reboot system specifically is a very straightforward process. Sure, we have hundreds of videos, blog posts, podcast episodes, and more. It might seem like there’s an intricate, complicated procedure behind the whole thing. But there isn’t.
When you find yourself thinking that the reboot process is too complex, you’ve likely ingested too much information. You probably consumed too much content and haven’t applied enough of it to your life. It’s not bad to watch videos, read posts, or listen to podcasts, but at some point, you need to bring it into the real world.
Rebooting isn’t about being smart, it’s about making changes in your behavior that lead to overcoming porn addiction. Simple. If you’re at the point where you believe you’re not smart enough to reboot, you need to take a step back from learning new information. It’s time to lay off of it for a few days and put some of what you’ve already learned into practice instead.
Stick With the Porn Reboot System
The best thing you can do when your mind starts telling you these lies is to keep doing what you’re already doing. Our Porn Reboot system isn’t just about quitting porn; it’s about rebooting your entire life. While your porn addiction wants to keep you trapped in its grips with these tricks, you’re in the process of moving far beyond your out-of-control behavior.
Stick to your morning routine. Continue journaling and getting exercise. Don’t give up on the process before it progresses past habits and into a complete lifestyle change. If you’re doing the work, you’re on the right track. Keep going, brother – you’re doing the right thing.
If you’ve read our blog for a while you’ll know this isn’t the first time I’ve written about the stages of the Porn Reboot system.
I like to cover the topic often, though, because it’s something that men ask a lot of questions about. Many brothers want to know which stage of their reboot they’re in and when they pass from one stage to the next.
We’ve had some changes in the system since I last wrote about the Porn Reboot stages so it’s time for an update.
Stage One: Pre-Reboot
The Pre-Reboot stage occurs when you’re still realizing that you struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior. You’re motivated to find something that will help you change your habits and behavior that you’ve struggled to control on your own. But you’re still not sure whether the problem is truly as serious as you think.
There are three primary goals during the Pre-Reboot stage. First, you need to fully recognize your compulsive behavior. You must understand that you have a problem with pornography and out-of-control sexual behavior and that it’s negatively impacting your life.
Second, you need to agree to behavior control. This doesn’t mean you have to decide to quit for good from the very first day but you do have to acknowledge that something needs to be done about your behaviors.
Third, you need to prepare yourself for dealing with the current crises in your life and the inevitable withdrawal that occurs. Maybe your marriage or long-term relationship is breaking down. You might feel stuck in your career or business, held back by your compulsive behaviors. Or worse, your porn use may be progressing into illegal material.
Finally, you need to allow others to help you. You’ll feel a lot of fear and resistance during the Pre-Reboot stage. Your limiting beliefs will crop up and try to convince you that you can’t fully commit to the process. But you’ll also begin to develop the trust and hope you need to move forward with your reboot when you open up and let others help you along the way.
Mastery of Stage One happens when you fully trust the Porn Reboot system with no excuses. You have no excuses to backtrack, quit, procrastinate, wait for the right time, speak to the right person, or even the old, threadbare idea that you can do it on your own. Once you have no more reservations left and are ready to commit, you’ve completed the Pre-Reboot stage.
Stage Two: Early Reboot
Stage Two is the Early Reboot stage. You’ve accepted that you have a problem with porn and compulsive sexual behavior and are ready to do something about it. You’re part of the Porn Reboot system now, whether that’s our free group or the implementation group, and know that it’s time to do some work.
The first goal of the Early porn addiction recovery stage is to finish processing the crises that brought you to the Porn Reboot system. Whether you lost your family, drove your business into the ground, ruined your career, or simply had a “come to Jesus” moment when you realized you couldn’t keep going doing what you were doing.
The second goal is to overcome any distractions that might arise and derail you from rebooting. You must be ready to deal with the strong emotions, the unresolved issues, and the stress that arises once you remove your coping mechanisms. Stage Two is when you recognize and eliminate these distractions without turning to porn and masturbation to do so.
Think about how many times you jerk off during the day. Wake up in the morning? Masturbate. Come back home after a heavy day at the gym? Masturbate. See a hot girl at the grocery store? Masturbate. Finish up a long day at the office? Masturbate. Get into an argument with your wife? Masturbate.
This is exactly what we’re trying to combat during Stage Two. You’re going to learn skills to handle these situations without masturbating. You will set goals, develop routines, cultivate strong motivation, generate discipline and diligence, and learn to be fully present in each moment of your day.
Each of these skills is a win. You want to begin working to reach a place where you rely on these skills instead of pornography to make it through difficult moments. Developing them and experiencing these early wins is critical to building back your self-esteem. As self-esteem grows, you gather motivation and momentum that pushes you further along in your reboot.
The dangers of Stage Two include resistance, procrastination, fatigue, impatience, boredom, and apathy. You might find yourself feeling like you want to move through the process faster or bored with the routine of your new behavior-free life. If you choose not to apply your newfound skills and instead give in to these feelings, you’ll relapse before you even realize what’s happening.
If you have one that’s wonderful but if you don’t it’s not the end of the world. You can still live a happy, healthy, fantastic life without having a “purpose.”
The way I see it, purpose is an idea that’s transformed into a product sold by certain individuals in certain institutions. I don’t believe it’s fully understood by most people. Many who claim to have a mission or a purpose don’t really understand what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. They may believe they have a purpose but their motivations are skewed.
Too many people use their imagined purpose as a way to get a book deal and some fame. Then they leverage that “purpose” to sell some products that tell others how to reach the place they’re at. So you pick up that idea and run with it but then you’re left wondering why it’s not working for you.
Here’s the thing, brother. Purpose isn’t something you derive from reading a book by another man who overcame his trials and tribulations. You can’t absorb purpose by osmosis. Purpose is intrinsic. It’s something that you uncover by working through your difficulties.
There are a lot of guys who do not go as deep as they can with their reboot. They have a bad habit of intellectualizing which holds them back from the beauty of a true reboot. These men enjoy listening to intellectuals, to high IQ individuals, to those with credentials behind their names.
They listen to these incredible speakers but then do nothing with the information. They listen for the dopamine release of the “aha” moment but then take no action to implement these realizations in their lives. Sure, they enjoy the material they consume but it’s useless if they choose to do nothing with it.
I’ve noticed this more and more over the years, the growing number of men who enjoy listening to intellectual individuals. They understand most of the material, the concepts make sense, and they enjoy the experience, but they don’t do a single thing with that insight. This mediocre mindset is what holds men back from achieving everything they’re capable of.
You aren’t going to uncover your purpose by listening to thought leaders if you don’t follow it up with action. It’s not only about the action, either. It’s also about the failure that happens during the process and, ultimately, the lessons you take away from the entire experience.
The transformation begins once you finally take action to overcome your out-of-control behavior. It’s not going to be a perfect process. You may slip up a few times in the beginning. But as long as you keep moving forward you’re going to find success. You’ll strip away the layers that no longer serve you and uncover the true confidence hidden within.
Working through your reboot instills a much deeper sense of purpose than any book you read or podcast you listen to. Hypothetical knowledge doesn’t do much for men who have struggles to work through. Nothing compares to getting out in the world and going through your own healing experience.
The Porn Reboot system is about much more than other approaches to quitting porn. It’s more than NoFap, more than semen retention, more than a 90-day challenge. The Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system is a journey to overcoming porn, yes, but it’s about identifying and changing every aspect of your life that porn has impacted.
If you want to find purpose in your reboot, you need to approach it with intention. You cannot be one of those men who doesn’t dig deep into the process. You must let go of the habit of intellectualizing if you want to be successful with your reboot.
There’s one important question you need to continuously ask yourself as you go through the reboot process: “What is the message that my unconscious mind is trying to tell me?”
This is the first step you’re taking to condition yourself into developing a deeper awareness and being receptive to greater concepts. I’ll dive deeper into this practice in a later blog post but I want you to start thinking about this question and all its possible answers. Until then, I’d like you to stop by the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know what answers you’ve uncovered so far.
I recently sent an email filled with dating tips for men who are early in their reboot.
One of our brothers replied to a particular section in the email and I wanted to share his question and my answer with everyone in the group. He said:
“J.K., in your email you mentioned that ‘Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk.’ I’m curious why you believe this is the case. Some men in the group are not currently in committed relationships but would still like to have sex lives.”
The quote this brother pulled removes all the context that surrounded it. My original sentence read:
“Take time to get to know the women you are dating. Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk. Slow things down and take the weeks or months needed to determine whether this woman is somebody you’re actually interested in.”
I don’t want this message to be misconstrued because I don’t have anything against strictly sexual relationships. I think it’s good for men to have sex during their reboot; learning how to reengage with women that way is critical. But the way you go about developing those relationships is important.
A lot of men do not understand that they’re missing the intimacy portion when it comes to sexual relationships. Pornography addiction destroys your understanding of intimacy because porn strips all intimacy out of the equation. It appeals only to your most basic primal urges, but sex in real life doesn’t work that way.
However, until you understand how to build intimacy, sex will always put your reboot at risk. That’s the important distinction I need you to recognize. You cannot develop healthy sexual partnerships (including uncommitted partnerships!) if you do not know how to have an intimate connection with the woman you’re sleeping with.
What are some of the risks that come with uncommitted sex?
Unpredictable Emotions
There’s a lot to learn when you begin the reboot process. Developing emotional awareness and maturity is one of the most difficult parts. You’ve spent so many years numbing and suppressing your emotions that you don’t know how to sit with them at the beginning of your porn addiction recovery.
Having sex outside of a committed relationship means more emotional unpredictability. When you don’t know the woman well you’re not going to know how they’ll react. If you’re still learning to identify your emotions, this possible emotional volatility on her part can negatively impact your ability to manage your feelings.
Inconsistent Sexual Experiences
Developing intimacy is easier when you’re in a committed relationship. You have consistent experiences and can learn about your partner’s particular preferences. You’re more likely to develop healthy sexual behavior at a consistent pace when you have sex in these circumstances.
Having sex with different partners creates an inconsistent experience. You can’t apply a standard across the board; every woman is different. Each has her preferences, needs, and responses to sexual relationships. Intimacy may look different to each of these women, too. You’re going to have a harder time learning to develop intimacy with inconsistent partners.
Expectations
Expectations are the root of many of life’s troubles. People feel let down when they develop expectations of another person that end up unmet. The longer you spend with someone in a committed relationship, the easier it will be to develop healthy expectations of that person. You have a general idea of who they are, how they behave, and what each of you needs.
When you’re not in a committed relationship, though, expectations are harder to manage. You may only want consistent sex while her expectations are more along the lines of going on fun dates. Misaligned expectations can lead to some uncomfortable conversations. If you don’t have the skills to navigate these conversations yet, you’re far more likely to medicate that discomfort with porn or masturbation.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
The best way for you to have sex outside of a committed relationship is to first learn about yourself and your needs. You must understand what it is you want from a casual partner so you can communicate those needs effectively. If you’re not able to determine what they are or you have a hard time setting and maintaining those boundaries, it’s better to focus on yourself for the time being.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I think it’s great to get that out of your system before settling down with a long-term partner. Once you know where your boundaries lie and how to share those boundaries with your potential partners, then you’re more ready for some uncommitted, enjoyable, casual partnerships.
If you’ve read our blog for a while you’ll know this isn’t the first time I’ve written about the stages of the Porn Reboot system.
I like to cover the topic often, because it’s something that men ask a lot of questions about. Many brothers want to know which stage of their reboot they’re in and when they pass from one stage to the next.
We’ve had some changes in the system since I last wrote about the Porn Reboot stages so it’s time for an update. A few days ago I wrote about the first three stages of the porn addiction counseling – Porn Reboot system. Today I’m going to write about Stage Four and Stage Five.
Stage Three: Middle Reboot
You reach Stage Three once you’ve committed to the process of long-term rebooting. You’re starting to overcome the lack of motivation, distraction, negativity, and impatience that arose when you first experienced withdrawals. You may not notice any immediate results but are willing to stick with the system for the long run.
Porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior shrink your life down to a very small, isolated existence. You’re not as concerned with things like going to the gym, having an active social life, or connecting with your spirituality. You neglect and abandon these different areas of your life as your compulsive behaviors take over.
Now that the Pre-Reboot and Early Reboot stages set your healthy habits firmly in place you can shift your attention to your lifestyle. You can focus most of your time and energy on your mindset and behaviors. Stage Three is when you start to build these forgotten but crucial areas of your life back up.
The Middle Reboot stage is also when you begin to develop a new identity. Since you’re not as consumed by porn addiction problems and masturbation, you have time to engage in activities that you enjoy. You no longer see yourself as hopeless or too far gone; you finally see that you have a chance to eliminate and overcome your compulsive behavior.
Skills you need to develop during Stage Three include increased awareness and not taking your reboot for granted. The second one is especially important because you’re starting to make progress now that you’re maintaining a consistent routine. This progress may lead you to believe that you can let off the gas a bit, but doing so will put you in the headspace for a relapse.
One of the significant dangers at this stage of your reboot is the feeling of being stuck. At this point some men find themselves overwhelmed with guilt that keeps them from taking further action. The guilt stems from remembering the things they have done, behaviors they engaged in, or people they have hurt.
The overwhelming guilt is something that most men experience at one point or another during Stage Three. If you experience it during the Middle Reboot stage you’re far from alone. This is why it’s so important to have a guide that’s been through the process before you. You have someone who can walk you through these challenging emotions that begin to arise.
Another danger of Stage Three is finding yourself distracted by other self-improvement strategies. Now that you’re no longer acting out you may feel the need to look in other areas for additional paths to improvement. While there’s nothing wrong with finding complementary approaches, you want to make sure that nothing takes precedence over your reboot.
Stage Four: Late Reboot
One of the major parts of Stage Four is addressing and working through the problems that brought you to porn addiction recovery in the first place. Stages One through Three keep most of the focus on you from overcoming your behavior to setting your new habits firmly in place.
The Late Reboot stage is when you can begin to tackle these external circumstances. Maybe you’re a man who is separated from your wife because of your behavior. You might not have the right to see your children because of your behavior. Perhaps you’re a single guy who’s avoided dating due to your porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
Whatever your particular circumstances are, Stage Four is when we start working through these. Part of this process involves changing your self-image and learning to develop true intimacy. You’ll only develop stronger relationships with healthy intimacy once you feel comfortable with yourself.
The skills you’ll build during the Late Reboot stage are self-trust, relationship skills, learning to live with pain, and asking people to meet your needs. Most men in the program never learned how to do these things because we shied away from the discomfort and sunk into our compulsive behaviors to self-medicate. However, each of these is a critical component of establishing strong relationships with people in your life.
Dangers of Stage Four include the fear of venturing into the unknown. You’re in situations that you’ve either never experienced or haven’t been in in years. You will feel worried about making a mistake or making the wrong decisions. This is a normal part of the process but allowing these fears and worries to completely consume you puts you at the risk of a relapse.
Another danger of this stage is the belief that you have no control over your life. Stages One through Three were about setting new habits in place. Now that you operate in the confines of these new routines, you’ll find there are certain things you can’t do anymore. Recognize that things like staying out late, binge drinking, or sleeping in aren’t the most conducive activities to building the life you want. You might slip if you allow resentment to take over instead.
The biggest danger of the Late Reboot stage is letting your attention stray from your reboot. Everything you’ve done up to this point, your routine, learning skills, and building reboot capital, all of it is necessary to be successful. If you neglect to keep working on these things, relapse is inevitable. No matter what happens in your life, keep your reboot the primary focus and everything else will work itself out.
Stage Five: Maintenance Stage
Stage Five is the Maintenance Stage. At this point your routine is in place, you’ve developed the skills you need, your relationships are stronger than ever before. You’ve built up a good amount of reboot capital, feel better about yourself, and are in the process of mending the situations that brought you to your breaking point.
Your focus during the Maintenance State is fixing the long-term neurological damage caused by your porn addiction and compulsive behavior. This is the stage where the true rewiring of your brain takes place. You’re removing old thought patterns that took years to establish and replacing them with newer, healthier patterns.
The goals in the Maintenance Stage are further growth and development. This is where you learn how to sustain your emotional control. When you deal with highly stressful situations that most normal people would crack under, you’re reaching a point where they no longer phase you.
You’ll come up against situations that you would have medicated with porn and masturbation in the past but realize that you don’t even consider these behaviors an option anymore. Pornography isn’t something you think of using to combat discomfort; you’ve learned to face and handle situations without hiding.
Stage Five is when you begin experiencing long periods of happiness, joy, and contentment that last. This is an important distinction: you’re no longer chasing short stints of false happiness through dopamine release; you’re now in a place where happiness is your state of being.
Sure, life will still happen. You’re going to have moments where you’re upset or angry, but these feelings are temporary now. They don’t consume you the way they used to in the past. You return to your state of contentment and peace without needing to act out on your compulsive behavior.
Overconfidence and complacency are the two most dangerous threats to Stage Five. While you no longer necessarily need the Porn Recovery Program once you’re at this stage, taking it easy is not an option. Being in the Maintenance Stage doesn’t mean you’re “healed” or “cured.” It means exactly what it says, that you need to maintain your success through continued action.
Overconfidence will have you thinking that you’ve got this, that maybe you were making a big deal out of nothing. You might convince yourself that you can go back to your old stomping grounds or spend time with buddies from before. Getting into this mindset is a slippery slope that will put you on a path to relapse faster than you realize.
There is never a time where you’ll be able to watch porn “normally”, brother. Even when you’re in the Maintenance Stage and no longer need the Porn Reboot program, you must remember what brought you to this program in the first place. You were crushed by a crisis you couldn’t overcome alone. Don’t take yourself back to that space. Stay the course and continue forward in this beautiful life that you’ve built back up.
Finding Support at Every Stage
The Porn Reboot program consists of two groups: the paid intensive group and the free Facebook group. If you’re new to the porn addiction recovery program and wondering whether the intensive is right for you, come check us out on Facebook. We’re a strong group of men in varying stages of our reboots and ready to offer support wherever you might be in yours.
You never need to handle your reboot alone, brother. Join us and find yourself immediately surrounded by a group of brothers who understand your struggle and are actively working to overcome their behaviors. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in Stage One or Stage Five; there’s a place for you among us.
