And I have decided that this will be my last year coaching.
Before I explain what that means, please allow me to share some basic data.
I’ve been porn free and rebooted for 16 years now.
I’ve been coaching for 12 years.
There are many stats I can share – but the most important one is the men who ended their out-of-control behavior.
In all honesty, my tracking of rebooted clients was sloppy till 2020, when I actually hired someone to track rebooted brothers.
All men were full-time members of our program. This data does not include the hundreds of men who ended or controlled their behavior using our free resources, nor does it include those still in the program who have yet to reboot.
2020: 282 men
2021: 238 men
2022: 264 men
2023: 323 men (out of those who enrolled in Dec 2022)
I don’t know if those numbers are “impressive” or not because I don’t give a sh*t what any other program or therapist accomplishes.
What I do know is that these men were done with this behavior inside of a year; their behavior was tracked, and their lives were transformed.
I love reboot coaching. It changed my life, the life of the Elevated Recovery team, and that of thousands of men.
However, as you can see from the numbers above – my impact is limited.
If we could add a “0” to the end of those numbers every two years or so, the world would be a much better place.
Growing older has me thinking of the impact I can make and HOW I can make it.
Right now – it isn’t through coaching. And let’s keep it real – 16 years is a long time. I don’t know what’s out there these days in terms of porn. I just know how to free men from its bondage.
The world is rapidly sexualizing and morally rotting.
You see it.
Sex trafficking, Onlyfans, AI girlfriends, normalization of child s*xual abuse…
It’s disgusting.
It is time for PornReboot to become a movement.
A force beyond me. Something which every rebooted man can teach other men.
That’s why 2024 will be my last year coaching men in groups.
I will still coach select clients one-on-one on a limited basis. You can learn more about that here.
I will remain the CEO of Elevated Recovery, but coaching in Elevated Recovery will be carried by our Certified Reboot Coaches – men who have been my personal clients and trained with me for 2-4 years while demonstrating mastery of their reboot.
Remember, we have coaching 7 Days a week in the Implementation program – sessions also run by Coach Milan, Dr. Eastman, etc. Personally, I will continue to coach my a$$ off until the end of this year.
Our goal is 700 men rebooted. More than double last year.
You can still catch me group coaching in the Implementation Program and every week in the Intensive program (which includes 1-1 coaching every Wednesday afternoon) through December 2024.
If you’d like to be coached by me during this last year of coaching to end your out-of-control behavior, schedule a call with my team here: https://elevatedrecovery.org/survey.
Having a purpose is a necessity while you’re rebooting.
Stagnation is one of the main causes of your problem with pornography. You had nothing else driving you in life to keep you from your continued engagement with your behavior. If you don’t find a purpose while rebooting, it won’t take long for you to fall back into your old behaviors.
But how can you find your purpose if you have no idea what it is?
When men ask me about finding their purpose, they’re often alluding to something deep within them. It’s something that comes from an unquestionable place of consciousness. It’s the firm understanding of what you’re supposed to be doing with your life.
There are certain conditions under which your soul will reveal your purpose to you, that unquestionable and unshakable truth that comes up from within you. You need to reach a place of peace, trust, truth, and authenticity within yourself before your purpose will be revealed.
When you’re dealing with something like pornography addiction, that leads to the opposite of those conditions. Nothing about pornography is real. It’s not a real way of dealing with your problems. It’s not real intimacy. So how can you expect to find your purpose when you’re stuck in the cycle of pornography addiction?
Your purpose won’t reveal itself the moment you decide to reboot. It won’t suddenly become clear after you have a week free from pornography. But if you commit to the system, focus on your reboot, and adhere to the path, you’ll create that ideal environment within yourself. After that, your soul and your consciousness will take care of the rest for you.
“Hey J.K. I feel much more emotionally aware and in-tune after drawing some of the exercises in the program and meditating for years.
“How can I balance being more in tune with my feelings and cultivating awareness while going hard at work and working out?
“I feel like what I’ve been doing is letting go of negative emotions like sadness and fear, but sometimes it feels like I’m not able to work as hard because I’m too in touch with my feelings. Now I’m trying to develop positive feelings around working and working out with positive visualizations.
“What are the proper ways to be a beast while still being in touch with and aware of my feelings?”
A lot of guys in our programs are relatively successful men but are unaware of their emotions. They’ve tuned out so many of their emotions over their years of looking on how to stop porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. They have almost no remorse. They become more narcissistic. They’re increasingly unable to empathize with their partners.
These men cannot connect with these feelings because they have become so out of touch with their emotions. Helping men develop an awareness of their emotions and learn to reconnect with them is a vital part of the Porn Reboot process. It tends to be rather challenging but is well worth the work in the end.
Do you relate to this at all?
This brother’s question is a good one. As some men become aware of their emotions, they have trouble being productive while remaining connected with this awareness. Feelings like fear, sadness, guilt, shame, and empathy are new and they’re not sure what to do with them. They can be so overwhelming after blocking them out for so long that they interfere with productivity.
How can you begin to handle your emotions while still maintaining your high-performance capabilities?
Don’t Suppress Emotions
When you feel these new feelings come up your instinct is to push them back down. It’s your go-to way of coping after stuffing your feelings for years. Too many men suppress their emotions, though, and it’s a very unhealthy thing to do. Learning to change this, though, requires ongoing, dedicated practice.
It may feel difficult to sit with these emotions while remaining productive during the day but you’ll learn to do it over time. You must learn to be comfortable enough with any sort of emotion while still meeting your daily responsibilities.
Allow Yourself to Take Breaks
High-performing men who struggle with feeling their emotions tend to fire on all cylinders at all times. They work long hours week after week, leaving little time for themselves or their families. Doing this is a guaranteed way to continue the cycle of your compulsive sexual behavior.
Everyone needs time to rest and rejuvenate. If all you do is work yourself into the ground every day, pressure builds up and you need to find some sort of release. Until you learn to control your behavior, you tend to find that relief by acting out in your out-of-control behavior.
Allow yourself to take breaks instead. Taking a break doesn’t mean you’re lazy and it doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your responsibilities. You need time to refresh and reset, and intentionally setting aside this time leaves you less likely to act out in your compulsive behavior.
Your Emotions Don’t Dictate Your Day
As you start to feel these emotions, you may feel tempted to lean into some of them. For example, maybe you wake up one day and feel an incredible amount of anxiety about your workload that day. Don’t allow these feelings to dictate your day, though. You can feel these emotions while still accomplishing the things you need to do.
As you go through your day and handle your responsibilities, you’ll likely realize that these feelings of anxiety tend to dissipate. Oftentimes taking action counters any negative feelings that arise. It’s not always easy to move forward while holding space for those difficult emotions but the more you practice the easier it becomes.
Talk it Out
Reaching out to another brother in the porn addiction recovery program is one of the best ways to handle emotions as a high performer. Most men in the group are hardworking successful men who understand the difficulties that come with balancing emotions and responsibilities. If you’re having a hard time with this right now, I know you’ll find someone in the group who would be more than willing to talk with you about it.
Stop by the free Porn Reboot Facebook group to find someone to talk with. You’re never alone in any struggle you experience; there’s always another man who knows exactly what you’re going through. Come join us today, brother, and you’ll learn the skills needed to live a full, successful, happy, porn-free life.
No, I did not. Masturbating is not a big deal. But that comes with a serious caveat.
I’m bringing this up because it’s a common topic in the Porn Addiction Counseling– Reboot Facebook group. Tons of men think that removing pornography from their lives means they’ll never be able to masturbate again. And that’s exactly what creates this problem.
Masturbation and pornography are not connected by default. You don’t have to watch porn to masturbate. But since you’ve spent the last 5, 10, 20, or more years associating masturbation with pornography, you have some work to do. You probably won’t be able to masturbate without slipping or relapsing, especially during the early phases of your reboot.
Masturbating puts men like you at serious risk of relapse if they’re still adherent to this false belief. If you don’t know how to separate masturbation from pornography, you have to go through the reboot process before you’ll be able to do it successfully.
Let Go During Your Reboot
How did you feel reading those last few paragraphs? Is letting go of masturbation something that sounds feasible? Or does that sound like a huge sacrifice you aren’t willing to make? Do you still believe that you’ll be able to watch porn and masturbate in moderation some day?
If your response was more aligned with the latter, you’re way too attached to masturbation and porn. You’ve got an unhealthy relationship with it and you need to take a break from it. That doesn’t mean you’re never going to masturbate again but it does mean you need to shift your view of it.
You need to completely remove pornography from your life and that often means letting go of masturbation during your reboot, too. There is no such thing as moderation for men who struggle with pornography addiction. You must give yourself the time to focus on the reboot process, learn to manage your emotions, and fix the issues in your life.
How the Reboot Process Works for Masturbation
The first 90 days of your reboot process are imperative. It’s when you first focus on letting go of pornography and masturbation and removing them from your life. Sure, you may slip during this period but you then come back with new data points and a deeper understanding of your condition.
As you build reboot capital, you begin developing coping strategies. What started as an intentional practice of letting go becomes less forced over time. You come to realize that there are other things more fulfilling than pornography, sex, and masturbation. You begin to experience joy within yourself and wonder why you’d want to ruin it with pornography.
This is the point where you realize that there are times to masturbate and times to enjoy other things. Masturbating isn’t your go-to form of pleasure or release anymore; you have many other areas of your life filled with things to enjoy. Masturbation isn’t directly connected to pornography anymore. It’s something you can enjoy now that your brain is rewiring.
Reconnecting With Healthy Sexual Behavior
Pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior destroy your concept of intimacy. There is nothing intimate about porn. Even the opening scenes that may feign tender moments are cast aside once the intercourse begins. Masturbating to a wide variety of these sorts of scenes creates an unhealthy idea of what sex is about.
Everyone has an intrinsic understanding of what intimacy is. It’s one of those things we are naturally created with. So it’s not like you have to build something that was never there; instead, you’re stripping away the hardened layers you’ve covered that innate intimacy with over the years.
Sexual urges are just as natural as intimacy, too. But when you’re used to experiencing urges based on your compulsive sexual behavior, it’s difficult to separate the two. Having wet dreams or feeling turned on around beautiful women are normal experiences. As you work on your reboot you’ll begin to reconnect with and understand the difference between your old behaviors and healthy sexual behavior.
Having Support Along the Way
You must have support as you work through the early stages of your reboot. Reconnecting with a healthy sexuality and recognizing when you’re testing the line is easier if you’re surrounded by support.
Like I mentioned earlier, this is a topic we often cover in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. It’s a private group filled with men in various stages of their reboot, from those in their very first days to those with a few years free from porn and compulsive behavior. If you haven’t stopped by already, I’d love for you to join us in the group today!
They can be a helpful way to keep you off of and away from sites that you know will send you right back to relapsing. You can use them to block the websites you usually use to watch porn and are useful for some people.
On the other hand, porn filters are also easy to get around. There are so many sites that contain pornographic content that you couldn’t possibly filter all of them out. And I also see far too many men put the responsibility for their recovery on these filters. If the filter fails they blame it for their relapse instead of looking at their behavior.
Are porn filters reliable or are they a waste of time? Is placing that power into the hands of a computer program the right way to approach your reboot?
If you’re serious about ending your behavior with pornography, porn filters only act as a band-aid over the real problem. Most men in the Porn Reboot program are past the point where it’s about pornography; it’s about the rush of feel-good chemicals released by the entire process of their compulsive behavior.
Slapping a porn filter on your web browser isn’t a long-term solution. It may keep you away from porn for a few days or a few weeks but it’s not going to keep you away for months or years. Staying off of porn requires a shift in your entire mindset and lifestyle, not just a computer program that blocks you from “bad sites.”
If you truly want to control your out-of-control behavior, you’ll do the work it takes to overcome your problem. Things like NoFap and semen retention are the same type of approach. Sure, they solve the porn problem for a short period but they don’t address what your problem actually is. They won’t lead to any lasting change.
There’s nothing wrong with using a filter in the beginning stages of your reboot when you’re still learning to control your behavior. They can be a great tool to keep you away from those tempting sites. But they can’t be the first and last line of defense against your pornography addiction. If you have a serious porn problem then they will not make any long-term difference.
However, if you use them as part of a comprehensive approach to ending your behavior with porn and masturbation, then you’re using them for the right reasons. Porn filters aren’t a waste of time when you know they aren’t the true solution to your problem. If you’re going to install a porn filter and think that’s the end of things, then they’re not worth it for you.
I’ve often used the word “recovery” when writing here on the blog, speaking in YouTube videos or podcasts, or other Porn Reboot spaces.
I use the term for ease of communication when I talk about overcoming your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior.
It’s a familiar word that’s now commonly associated with the process of overcoming addictive behavior. This makes it easy for the largest number of people to understand what I’m talking about.
At the same time, I do believe it’s important to distinguish between what happens in traditional recovery approaches and what happens with the Porn Reboot system. What we do here is not the same thing you’ll find in the majority of other recovery modalities.
Recovery takes you back to what is familiar. You’re eliminating your addictions to regain the life you had before. Sure, some might take it further and build a better life than the one they had while using substances. But most people stick within the bounds of what society expects from them.
There’s nothing wrong with this approach. It still leads to a decent life. If you’re not interested in launching yourself to the next level then recovery is the best thing for you. You’re probably well-suited for a traditional rehab program, 12-step group, or religious group.
On the other hand, rebooting is exactly what it sounds like. It’s restarting your entire life. It’s refusing to settle for what you had before and crossing over into a new life. It’s also refusing to limit yourself to what society expects from you but pushing past those confines into what you want to make out of your life instead.
Men who are successful in the Porn Reboot system are men who fall into the second category. They want to step outside the bounds of the traditional. They tend to be high-performing men. These include guys who are artists, business owners, entrepreneurs, and more. They’re men who will not hold themselves back from everything possible.
The porn addiction recovery system requires a lot more from you than a traditional recovery approach does. When you come to the Porn Reboot program we ask you to change your entire life. You’re encouraged to build up areas that you may have never considered pursuing before. We want to trigger a transformation of your entire being, not just one aspect of you.
This means you’re going to have to say yes to the unknown. You must be willing to admit you know much less about yourself than you think you do. You need to be ready to have the truth about yourself revealed and to take action once you discover it.
One of these truths is the understanding that your recovery or your reboot is not part of your identity.
This is something that I see in traditional recovery communities all the time. People embody their recovery as an identity and find themselves wrapped up in something that never ends.
Once an addict, always an addict, right?
Sure, you have a problem with porn and compulsive sexual behavior. It’s a serious problem, too, otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. But you are not your porn addiction. You are not your out-of-control behavior. It’s a problem you deal with but it is not a part of you.
The Porn Reboot system will never ask you to embody your porn problem as part of yourself. We also see ourselves as a tool for you to use but not a crutch for you to rely on. After you reboot successfully, you do not need Porn Reboot anymore. You don’t need to keep coming back week after week to rehash old problems.
That’s the point of rebooting – you reboot and you move on, you don’t reboot and stick around forever. And that’s also what separates Porn Reboot from traditional approaches to recovery. We want to get you reconnected with life and back into the world, not sitting in rooms for the rest of your life talking about your identity as an addict.
You’re welcome to take whichever avenue seems most suitable for you. You might not want to do all the work that’s required for a successful reboot. But those who do decide their problem is severe enough and are willing to do the work will be rewarded with a life far greater than they ever imagined possible for themselves.
Apathy is something a lot of men run into while working through their porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. It’s frustrating when it happens because we know the pain that brought us to reboot. We understand the serious impact that our porn addiction counseling had and still has, yet we often reach a point where we don’t give a damn about our reboot.
I want to reassure you that apathy is a very normal part of the process. If you’re at this point you’re not alone. In fact, if a man doesn’t experience feelings of apathy during the reboot process then something is wrong.
A recent question from one of our brothers summed this up perfectly:
“After doing the feelings exercise for a solid while, I’ve observed that a strong emotion I encounter which tends to lead to a slip or an unproductive day is apathy. It’s a very constant factor where I don’t feel like doing anything because it seems like nothing matters.
“Does anyone have any advice on how I can work on dealing with this? How can I snap myself out of the pit of apathy that I tend to fall into now?”
I’ve found that apathy begins the moment you run into a challenge, especially when you realize it might take a while to overcome it.
What are some things you feel apathetic about? Are they things that you don’t actually care about? If you’re honest with yourself, they’re usually things you care a lot about but it’s going to take time and effort to accomplish or work through them.
In reality, apathy is often an avoidance mechanism. This is exactly why apathy is a common part of the reboot process. When you get to the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program and realize how much work it takes to implement the system, apathy kicks in and you try to convince yourself that you don’t really care.
Overcoming apathy is an important part of the reboot process. You need to trust that these feelings are normal and that they will pass so you don’t give in and relapse as a result.
The first step to overcoming apathy is learning to recognize your apathetic thoughts. Maybe you tell yourself that you don’t have enough willpower to be successful with your reboot. It might be the belief that you’ll never control your urges. Perhaps you think you couldn’t possibly do this every day for the rest of your life.
Next, you need to understand that any time you tell yourself you can’t do something you’re really saying that you won’t do it. It’s not can’t, it’s won’t. It’s a refusal to do the things that you know will take work because putting in the effort sounds exhausting.
You always have a choice. Let’s say you need to wake up earlier in the morning to have enough time for your morning routine. Although you’re perfectly capable of waking up early, you probably don’t want to because you already have a set way of doing things. Maybe it’s the journaling or writing exercises that you object to. You don’t want to write for any assignments because it’s not a pleasurable, dopamine-inducing activity.
I’ll never lie to you and tell you that rebooting is easy but I will tell you that the result is worth it. Pushing through the feelings of apathy and doing things you don’t want to do will make you unrecognizable over the coming months.
Remember – you don’t feel apathetic towards something you truly care about. Apathy arises when you’re resistant to doing the work it takes to get there. While apathy is a normal part of rebooting, overcoming those feelings is also a critical part of the process.
You’re not alone in dealing with feelings of apathy. Every man in the Porn Reboot program deals with them at one time or another. You may overcome them now and then have to deal with them again in the future. So long as you’re willing to do the work it takes to move through the apathy, though, you’re still on the right track.
Today I’m bringing you another question from a brother in the group. He said:
“Hey, J.K., as I continue to improve for my reboot, I notice that I go about my days doing work, studying for certifications, and looking for entertainment options, but I realized that I don’t have a consistent, fulfilling hobby that I’m good at.
Sometimes I think I’m not good at anything or that I can’t do anything special. I know you’ve talked about having a purpose as being a luxury, but what is your take on how to discover hobbies or interests? Is it better to focus on controlling my behavior and sticking with things that feel boring or mundane for the time being? Or do you recommend seeking out hobbies?”
If you’re struggling with an out-of-control sexual behavior or porn addiction, chances are some parts of your life are suffering. Maybe your marriage is failing, your career is backsliding, or your friendships are nonexistent. There are at least one or two things that drove you to finally address your compulsive behavior.
This means your reboot should consume most of your attention, time, and energy. Managing your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation must take the front seat if you truly want to change your life. You can’t address these difficulties in your life if you don’t dedicate yourself to fixing the thing that’s causing them.
At the same time, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any fun, either. The Porn Reboot system is a structured approach to controlling your behavior but it doesn’t mean that you have to live a miserable life after learning how to stop porn addiction. If life were boring and unfulfilling without porn, men would never be able to leave their compulsive behaviors behind.
You can find endless amounts of excitement and fulfillment in a porn-free life. It’s not a dull, unbearable way to go through life. In fact, cutting porn out of your life allows you to reconnect and re-engage with life in a way you haven’t been able to for years.
I fully support you going out and finding hobbies you enjoy. Although your reboot always needs to come first, there is plenty of time in your day outside of your reboot routine and activities that you can fill with interests and hobbies.
I’m sure you have some things you enjoyed before you sunk into an ever-worsening cycle of porn addiction. You had hobbies as a teenager or young adult that you enjoyed. Start by getting back into some of these things. Join an adult sports league in your community or find a local meetup for outdoor activities you loved in the past.
If you can’t think of any past hobbies you enjoyed, use your spare time as an opportunity to explore all the possibilities available to you. Think of things you always considered trying but never found the time to get around to doing. Maybe you’ve wanted to run a Spartan race, try your hand at an open mic, or take cooking classes at a local community college. You have the freedom to try these things today – make use of it!
I believe having a hobby helps immensely during the reboot process. When you quit using porn and masturbating multiple times throughout the day you’ll find that there’s likely a lot of time to fill. Your addiction consumed much of your days, nights, weeks, and months; take that time back and use it to your advantage now.
If you need some ideas for hobbies to try out or to share your hobbies with some of the porn addiction recovery brothers, check out our free Facebook group. Let us know what you’ve been doing with all your spare time and find some brothers who share the same interests and hobbies. Or maybe you’ll find an activity you never thought of trying before. Come and join us today!
Empathy is a vital skill that you need to develop as you work through your reboot.
It’s a key emotion to work on as you develop emotional reboot capital. Empathy is something that everyone is capable of cultivating but it works just like a muscle: it atrophies if you don’t use it. However, you can also build it up with consistent training and practice.
What is Empathy?
In a nutshell, empathy is your ability to recognize and embrace another person’s point of view. It’s the practice of putting yourself in their shoes, experiencing what they’re experiencing, and understanding what they’re going through.
There are three different kinds of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy. Knowing the difference between these three forms of empathy can help you create good responses depending on context. You may not need all of them at every moment but it’s useful to learn which situations require which form of empathy.
Cognitive empathy means knowing what the other person is going through. You’re able to put yourself in their shoes while maintaining some distance. For example, when someone feels hurt or ashamed you intellectually embrace what they’re going through while keeping an appropriate distance, or “staying out of the problem.”
Emotional empathy means sharing another person’s experience with them. Think about the ways people describe physical manifestations of their emotions, like a feeling in their gut or a pain in their chest. In this way, emotions are almost contagious. Emotional empathy occurs when you tap into these deep emotional experiences.
Finally, compassionate empathy is a combination of both cognitive and emotional empathy. It’s a perfectly balanced empathy that allows you to use all available information to relate to another person. It’s the most effective and emotionally intelligent way to empathize with those around you. It limits the emotional distance of cognitive empathy but lessens the intensity of emotional empathy.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
Before you can develop empathy it’s important to distinguish empathy from sympathy. While sympathy sounds like a nice characteristic, it can actually cause a lot of harm. Too many people use sympathy as a way to enable someone’s excuses. It often turns into feeling sorry for the person which keeps them stuck in the perpetual victim state.
No one can grow when they’re sitting in this position. They believe everything is happening to them, not around them. They think the world is out to do them wrong. They insist they have no power or control over the situation they’re in. And sympathizing with this type of person will only make their problems worse.
However, empathy offers a clear perspective on their situation. It allows room for understanding while leaving no room for excuses or stagnant behavior. Empathy accepts and acknowledges a person’s starting point but then holds them accountable for moving forward and taking action to change their circumstances. It shows you want the best for them.
Empathy and Accountability
Empathy is an especially important skill to develop when it comes to accountability partnerships. If you lack empathy while working with an accountability partner you limit your capability to be helpful. If you only have sympathy then you enable your partner’s poor behavior and excuses.
You’re most effective when you develop a strong sense of empathy. You can listen to your accountable partners and relate to their difficulties while still holding them to a higher standard.
You’re in a unique position to empathize with your brothers in the porn addiction recovery program, too, because you understand exactly what they’re going through. You know how challenging it is to overcome your out-of-control behavior. At the same time, though, you also know it’s possible and can keep your brothers on track.
How Can You Develop Empathy?
Years of porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior likely destroyed your capacity for empathy. You may feel incapable of love, kindness, and understanding. If you’re in this position you’re far from alone. Many brothers share the same struggles when they first arrive at the Porn Reboot program.
Like I said earlier, though, empathy is like a muscle. While it may have atrophied over the years you can begin to build it back up through intentional practice. Developing empathy is possible as you learn to control your behavior and end your pornography addiction.
The best way to begin your practice is to start with yourself. Focus on cultivating compassion and empathy toward yourself before attempting to turn it outward. It’s like every airplane safety video you’ve ever heard: “In the event of an emergency, please affix your oxygen mask before helping others around you.”
I have a simple practice you can use to begin developing empathy. First, think about a problem you’re dealing with right now. Put that problem into words. “I’m really worried about __________. I feel __________.” Learn to identify the feelings you experience as a result of this particular situation.
Now, remind yourself that other people likely experience similar feelings during similar situations. There is always someone who understands and has gone through whatever it is you’re going through. Think about the ways you’re feeling and recognize that someone else feels the same way. Don’t you want to offer them the reassurance you’d like to feel?
Next, call to mind three to five people in your life whom you admire and respect. Consider the things they may say to encourage you through this struggle. They might tell you to be kind to yourself, to take care of yourself, to nurture yourself, to love yourself, and so on. Hear these people you care about telling you these things in your mind and begin embracing them.
Another way to develop self-compassion is to see yourself through the eyes of a loving grandparent. They’re somewhat removed from your upbringing and therefore have a more gentle view of you. While your parents deal with your every difficult attribute, your grandparents are less inclined to focus only on the negative. Try to view yourself the way your grandparents may see you.
Reach Out For Help
Developing empathy doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Sure, you may make some progress without leaning on others. But true compassion for yourself and those around you happens when you bring the practice into the real world.
I suggest joining us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group and finding some men who are working to cultivate empathy. It’s a bunch of regular guys just like you who struggle with the same exact things. They know what you’re dealing with and can walk you through their own experiences with developing empathy.
It’s not something that happens all at once but I guarantee you it’s worth the effort. The benefits of cultivating empathy expand far outside yourself and your immediate circle; they impact everyone you come in contact with each day of your life.
Today I want to dive into what I consider to be a superpower for many men: self-talk.
You may have heard of the term self-talk in different self-improvement circles but I view it a bit differently. I want to help you understand what it is, the important role it plays, and how you can develop it in your life, not only for rebooting but to help you achieve all your goals.
What is Self-Talk?
Self-talk is your intra-personal communication. It is the way you speak to yourself internally and the story you tell yourself, both of which also contribute to the way you communicate with others. Everybody talks to themselves, it’s a normal thing. Some have a more constant inner dialogue than others but everyone experiences it to some degree.
When you pay attention to your inner dialogue you’ll see that it reflects your thoughts and emotions. It provides a running commentary on everything going on around you, on your hopes for the future, your regrets about the past, and more.
People often think that self-talk is something innate that can’t be changed. It’s part of who you are and is the way that it is. However, I know that’s far from the truth. You have more control over your self-talk than you’d like to admit or believe.
Paying attention to your self-talk helps you get to know yourself in a deeper, more honest way. You discover your thinking patterns and how you react to events outside your control. Once you notice these patterns, it allows you to do something about them.
Dysfunctional vs. Constructive Self-Talk
Some people are programmed for positive self-talk. It doesn’t take much for their headspace to remain upbeat and beneficial as they move through their lives. However, others are prone to negative self-talk. Their inner monologue tends to carry a critical view of the world around them and especially themselves.
This means there are two types of self-talk: constructive and dysfunctional. Dysfunctional self-talk tells a bad story that makes you feel helpless and hopeless. Constructive self-talk makes you feel awesome, like you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
Dysfunctional self-talk is what creates negative feelings. It causes things like anxiety and depression, further instills insecurity, and exacerbates negative emotion. On the other hand, constructive self-talk provides access to all kinds of wonderful emotions. It leaves you feeling happy, confident, and full of optimism.
Getting your self-talk to this constructive space is when it becomes a superpower that makes you unstoppable.
Why is Self-Talk So Important?
Self-talk has a direct impact on how you feel. Negative self-talk makes you feel terrible while positive self-talk makes you feel incredible. This isn’t the only thing that makes it important, though. The interesting thing about self-talk is that it amplifies your perception of experiences.
For example, if you’re stressed out and overwhelmed with negative thoughts, it makes your stressful situation even more stressful. But if you’re filled with positive thoughts, you’ll have an easier time talking yourself through this moment of difficulty, trusting that it won’t last forever.
Ultimately, your self-talk creates a feedback loop. The positivity or negativity of that loop depends on the way you talk to yourself. If your inner dialogue amplifies both negative and positive things, which would you prefer it amplifies?
Learning to Control Self-Talk
You’re not a victim of your inner dialogue. While you may not know how to control it yet, the good thing is you can learn how to. You can incorporate different practices that help you develop an awareness of how you talk to yourself and then change those negative thought patterns.
The first step to controlling your self-talk is to make a conscious effort to pay attention to your thoughts. Do this as you go through your day. Listen to the way your mind reacts to whatever happens around you. Observe the patterns of thought that happen automatically with little input from your conscious mind.
The more you pay attention, the more you’ll recognize the trend of your thoughts. Are you more prone to positive or negative thinking? If you’re here in the Porn Reboot program and early in your reboot, you’re more likely to err on the side of dysfunctional self-talk.
Next, write down a list of your most common thought patterns. What are the things you regularly tell yourself? Are you encouraging or do you tear yourself down? What specific phrases do you repeat? Write all of these things down on paper so you have them in front of you in black and white.
Read each thought and ask yourself whether there is any truth behind it. It may be difficult at first when you’re still programmed to see yourself negatively. The more you read through this list, though, the more you realize most of the things you tell yourself are far from true. In fact, many of them are probably ridiculous.
Self-Talk and Your Reboot
You’ve spent so many years of your life telling yourself all sorts of terrible things; no wonder you feel so poorly all the time. Learning to control your self-talk is crucial if you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery.
If you tell yourself that you’re a loser every time you slip it will be much harder for you to overcome these setbacks. But if you accept your imperfections, tell yourself that you’re working hard, and that you learn from your mistakes, it will be much easier to avoid these mistakes.
Working on your self-talk is an important part of your reboot. There are tons of men in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group who understand the difficulties of controlling self-talk. If you’re having a hard time with changing your dysfunctional thinking, jump into the group and find some support from your brothers as you work on it!
