addicts

One of our brothers brought up a great question to the group recently. He said:

“What are your thoughts on strip clubs? I regularly attended clubs once or twice a month for two years before starting my reboot. At first, I thought it was good practice for me to talk to girls because it was almost guaranteed to happen every time. 

“After a while, though, I got very attached to a few of the girls and it became difficult to manage my emotions around that. I knew they just wanted my money but it felt like something more at times. I loved the attention and the feelings of intimacy, even though I know it wasn’t genuine. What do you think?”

I want to preface my answer by saying I never went to strip clubs during my addiction. They were never my thing. I didn’t step foot into a strip club until just a few years ago when I was invited to coach a group of men during a conference. The conference was in Vegas and the particular session I headed up was held in the VIP room of one of the biggest strip clubs in the city. 

I was over 10 years into my reboot by this point so the atmosphere did nothing for me. We arrived before the club was open to the public, before the seeming glitz and glamor of the night show. The girls sat around on their phones or chatting with one another but weren’t dolled up for the evening yet and they looked like normal girls to me. Without the heels and makeup, they seemed like any other girl.

When the session ended and we had to leave the club, though, the clients had arrived for the night and the girls’ transformations were complete. They were in their G-strings and stilettos, strutting around and commanding the attention of nearly every man in the room. It was a pretty wild thing to see, to watch the dynamic between these women and men. And it further confirmed everything I thought about strip clubs up to this point.

I don’t appreciate strip clubs because I believe we must earn intimacy. True intimacy is not something you can trade for a few dollar bills or drinks. It doesn’t happen under the flashing lights on a stage. It’s not going to stride up to you in 6-inch heels and sit down on your lap. Intimacy is something you earn through working on yourself and building a relationship with someone else, not buying their attention night after night.

Women who work in strip clubs are doing a job. They will say and do whatever it takes to get you to pull another bill from your wallet. This brother knows that’s true because he pointed it out in his question, too. But they’re good at what they do and it’s easy to believe that they truly care about you. This isn’t a knock on these women; they’re on their hustle, too. It’s a knock on the men who believe that they’re buying genuine intimacy for a few 20s and a couple of shots.

I believe strip clubs are a crutch. They keep you from having to do the work necessary to build true intimacy. Why would you transform yourself? Why bother learning to be vulnerable, open up, communicate, listen, and touch when you could get it immediately the moment you walk into a strip club? Sure, it might seem like good practice on the surface but it will only stunt your capabilities in the long run.

Strip clubs also feed into the false belief that women owe you attention and intimacy. A woman does not have to be sexual with you. She doesn’t owe you a damn thing, brother. But when you walk into a strip club, you believe that with a few dollars, you can convince a woman to do anything you want her to do.

Again – this is her JOB. Take away the environment you’re in and that woman wouldn’t give you the time of day. You aren’t building intimacy or practicing true connection by going to strip clubs and I encourage you to avoid them, brother. You’re fooling yourself if you truly think a strip club is a good place to work on talking to women.

Instead, I encourage you to learn the hard way. Reject the shortcuts and build the resilience it takes to earn true intimacy. Turn your focus inwards. Start sharpening your game. Figure out what you still need to work on and start working on it. How is your physique? Are you confident in your career? Do you have the financial resources to take women out or care for one when you do find a woman you’d like to date long-term?

It’s easy to resort to strip clubs when your self-esteem is low and you feel like you’ll never end up with someone. This is why working on yourself is so important. The more you build yourself up the more confident you become. You feel better about yourself when you look good and can provide for yourself. No woman wants a man who doesn’t care about his appearance or place in the world.

Even if strip clubs aren’t your thing, brother, this is a great approach to take. Anything we use in place of true intimacy, whether it’s strip clubs or porn or chat rooms or cam girls, all of it detracts from your ability to build genuine relationships. Once you remove these things from your life and begin building yourself up, you’ll start to see why earning intimacy is the preferable path.

Sure, it takes work. Sure, it comes with some rejection and heartache. But the potential relationships waiting for you on the other side are more than worth it. Take it from me – I’m with a woman I never would have landed while still in my addiction. It took turning my focus inwards, though, and building myself up to reach a point where I was ready for this type of relationship.

I am confident that porn addicts have no place in strip clubs. I’m sure my answer doesn’t surprise anyone who has been around for a while, but I wanted to expand on my thoughts a bit more. Until next time, brother.