And I have decided that this will be my last year coaching.
Before I explain what that means, please allow me to share some basic data.
I’ve been porn free and rebooted for 16 years now.
I’ve been coaching for 12 years.
There are many stats I can share – but the most important one is the men who ended their out-of-control behavior.
In all honesty, my tracking of rebooted clients was sloppy till 2020, when I actually hired someone to track rebooted brothers.
All men were full-time members of our program. This data does not include the hundreds of men who ended or controlled their behavior using our free resources, nor does it include those still in the program who have yet to reboot.
2020: 282 men
2021: 238 men
2022: 264 men
2023: 323 men (out of those who enrolled in Dec 2022)
I don’t know if those numbers are “impressive” or not because I don’t give a sh*t what any other program or therapist accomplishes.
What I do know is that these men were done with this behavior inside of a year; their behavior was tracked, and their lives were transformed.
I love reboot coaching. It changed my life, the life of the Elevated Recovery team, and that of thousands of men.
However, as you can see from the numbers above – my impact is limited.
If we could add a “0” to the end of those numbers every two years or so, the world would be a much better place.
Growing older has me thinking of the impact I can make and HOW I can make it.
Right now – it isn’t through coaching. And let’s keep it real – 16 years is a long time. I don’t know what’s out there these days in terms of porn. I just know how to free men from its bondage.
The world is rapidly sexualizing and morally rotting.
You see it.
Sex trafficking, Onlyfans, AI girlfriends, normalization of child s*xual abuse…
It’s disgusting.
It is time for PornReboot to become a movement.
A force beyond me. Something which every rebooted man can teach other men.
That’s why 2024 will be my last year coaching men in groups.
I will still coach select clients one-on-one on a limited basis. You can learn more about that here.
I will remain the CEO of Elevated Recovery, but coaching in Elevated Recovery will be carried by our Certified Reboot Coaches – men who have been my personal clients and trained with me for 2-4 years while demonstrating mastery of their reboot.
Remember, we have coaching 7 Days a week in the Implementation program – sessions also run by Coach Milan, Dr. Eastman, etc. Personally, I will continue to coach my a$$ off until the end of this year.
Our goal is 700 men rebooted. More than double last year.
You can still catch me group coaching in the Implementation Program and every week in the Intensive program (which includes 1-1 coaching every Wednesday afternoon) through December 2024.
If you’d like to be coached by me during this last year of coaching to end your out-of-control behavior, schedule a call with my team here: https://elevatedrecovery.org/survey.
Having a purpose is a necessity while you’re rebooting.
Stagnation is one of the main causes of your problem with pornography. You had nothing else driving you in life to keep you from your continued engagement with your behavior. If you don’t find a purpose while rebooting, it won’t take long for you to fall back into your old behaviors.
But how can you find your purpose if you have no idea what it is?
When men ask me about finding their purpose, they’re often alluding to something deep within them. It’s something that comes from an unquestionable place of consciousness. It’s the firm understanding of what you’re supposed to be doing with your life.
There are certain conditions under which your soul will reveal your purpose to you, that unquestionable and unshakable truth that comes up from within you. You need to reach a place of peace, trust, truth, and authenticity within yourself before your purpose will be revealed.
When you’re dealing with something like pornography addiction, that leads to the opposite of those conditions. Nothing about pornography is real. It’s not a real way of dealing with your problems. It’s not real intimacy. So how can you expect to find your purpose when you’re stuck in the cycle of pornography addiction?
Your purpose won’t reveal itself the moment you decide to reboot. It won’t suddenly become clear after you have a week free from pornography. But if you commit to the system, focus on your reboot, and adhere to the path, you’ll create that ideal environment within yourself. After that, your soul and your consciousness will take care of the rest for you.
“Hey J.K. I feel much more emotionally aware and in-tune after drawing some of the exercises in the program and meditating for years.
“How can I balance being more in tune with my feelings and cultivating awareness while going hard at work and working out?
“I feel like what I’ve been doing is letting go of negative emotions like sadness and fear, but sometimes it feels like I’m not able to work as hard because I’m too in touch with my feelings. Now I’m trying to develop positive feelings around working and working out with positive visualizations.
“What are the proper ways to be a beast while still being in touch with and aware of my feelings?”
A lot of guys in our programs are relatively successful men but are unaware of their emotions. They’ve tuned out so many of their emotions over their years of looking on how to stop porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. They have almost no remorse. They become more narcissistic. They’re increasingly unable to empathize with their partners.
These men cannot connect with these feelings because they have become so out of touch with their emotions. Helping men develop an awareness of their emotions and learn to reconnect with them is a vital part of the Porn Reboot process. It tends to be rather challenging but is well worth the work in the end.
Do you relate to this at all?
This brother’s question is a good one. As some men become aware of their emotions, they have trouble being productive while remaining connected with this awareness. Feelings like fear, sadness, guilt, shame, and empathy are new and they’re not sure what to do with them. They can be so overwhelming after blocking them out for so long that they interfere with productivity.
How can you begin to handle your emotions while still maintaining your high-performance capabilities?
Don’t Suppress Emotions
When you feel these new feelings come up your instinct is to push them back down. It’s your go-to way of coping after stuffing your feelings for years. Too many men suppress their emotions, though, and it’s a very unhealthy thing to do. Learning to change this, though, requires ongoing, dedicated practice.
It may feel difficult to sit with these emotions while remaining productive during the day but you’ll learn to do it over time. You must learn to be comfortable enough with any sort of emotion while still meeting your daily responsibilities.
Allow Yourself to Take Breaks
High-performing men who struggle with feeling their emotions tend to fire on all cylinders at all times. They work long hours week after week, leaving little time for themselves or their families. Doing this is a guaranteed way to continue the cycle of your compulsive sexual behavior.
Everyone needs time to rest and rejuvenate. If all you do is work yourself into the ground every day, pressure builds up and you need to find some sort of release. Until you learn to control your behavior, you tend to find that relief by acting out in your out-of-control behavior.
Allow yourself to take breaks instead. Taking a break doesn’t mean you’re lazy and it doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your responsibilities. You need time to refresh and reset, and intentionally setting aside this time leaves you less likely to act out in your compulsive behavior.
Your Emotions Don’t Dictate Your Day
As you start to feel these emotions, you may feel tempted to lean into some of them. For example, maybe you wake up one day and feel an incredible amount of anxiety about your workload that day. Don’t allow these feelings to dictate your day, though. You can feel these emotions while still accomplishing the things you need to do.
As you go through your day and handle your responsibilities, you’ll likely realize that these feelings of anxiety tend to dissipate. Oftentimes taking action counters any negative feelings that arise. It’s not always easy to move forward while holding space for those difficult emotions but the more you practice the easier it becomes.
Talk it Out
Reaching out to another brother in the porn addiction recovery program is one of the best ways to handle emotions as a high performer. Most men in the group are hardworking successful men who understand the difficulties that come with balancing emotions and responsibilities. If you’re having a hard time with this right now, I know you’ll find someone in the group who would be more than willing to talk with you about it.
Stop by the free Porn Reboot Facebook group to find someone to talk with. You’re never alone in any struggle you experience; there’s always another man who knows exactly what you’re going through. Come join us today, brother, and you’ll learn the skills needed to live a full, successful, happy, porn-free life.
Empathy is a vital skill that you need to develop as you work through your reboot.
It’s a key emotion to work on as you develop emotional reboot capital. Empathy is something that everyone is capable of cultivating but it works just like a muscle: it atrophies if you don’t use it. However, you can also build it up with consistent training and practice.
What is Empathy?
In a nutshell, empathy is your ability to recognize and embrace another person’s point of view. It’s the practice of putting yourself in their shoes, experiencing what they’re experiencing, and understanding what they’re going through.
There are three different kinds of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy. Knowing the difference between these three forms of empathy can help you create good responses depending on context. You may not need all of them at every moment but it’s useful to learn which situations require which form of empathy.
Cognitive empathy means knowing what the other person is going through. You’re able to put yourself in their shoes while maintaining some distance. For example, when someone feels hurt or ashamed you intellectually embrace what they’re going through while keeping an appropriate distance, or “staying out of the problem.”
Emotional empathy means sharing another person’s experience with them. Think about the ways people describe physical manifestations of their emotions, like a feeling in their gut or a pain in their chest. In this way, emotions are almost contagious. Emotional empathy occurs when you tap into these deep emotional experiences.
Finally, compassionate empathy is a combination of both cognitive and emotional empathy. It’s a perfectly balanced empathy that allows you to use all available information to relate to another person. It’s the most effective and emotionally intelligent way to empathize with those around you. It limits the emotional distance of cognitive empathy but lessens the intensity of emotional empathy.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
Before you can develop empathy it’s important to distinguish empathy from sympathy. While sympathy sounds like a nice characteristic, it can actually cause a lot of harm. Too many people use sympathy as a way to enable someone’s excuses. It often turns into feeling sorry for the person which keeps them stuck in the perpetual victim state.
No one can grow when they’re sitting in this position. They believe everything is happening to them, not around them. They think the world is out to do them wrong. They insist they have no power or control over the situation they’re in. And sympathizing with this type of person will only make their problems worse.
However, empathy offers a clear perspective on their situation. It allows room for understanding while leaving no room for excuses or stagnant behavior. Empathy accepts and acknowledges a person’s starting point but then holds them accountable for moving forward and taking action to change their circumstances. It shows you want the best for them.
Empathy and Accountability
Empathy is an especially important skill to develop when it comes to accountability partnerships. If you lack empathy while working with an accountability partner you limit your capability to be helpful. If you only have sympathy then you enable your partner’s poor behavior and excuses.
You’re most effective when you develop a strong sense of empathy. You can listen to your accountable partners and relate to their difficulties while still holding them to a higher standard.
You’re in a unique position to empathize with your brothers in the porn addiction recovery program, too, because you understand exactly what they’re going through. You know how challenging it is to overcome your out-of-control behavior. At the same time, though, you also know it’s possible and can keep your brothers on track.
How Can You Develop Empathy?
Years of porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior likely destroyed your capacity for empathy. You may feel incapable of love, kindness, and understanding. If you’re in this position you’re far from alone. Many brothers share the same struggles when they first arrive at the Porn Reboot program.
Like I said earlier, though, empathy is like a muscle. While it may have atrophied over the years you can begin to build it back up through intentional practice. Developing empathy is possible as you learn to control your behavior and end your pornography addiction.
The best way to begin your practice is to start with yourself. Focus on cultivating compassion and empathy toward yourself before attempting to turn it outward. It’s like every airplane safety video you’ve ever heard: “In the event of an emergency, please affix your oxygen mask before helping others around you.”
I have a simple practice you can use to begin developing empathy. First, think about a problem you’re dealing with right now. Put that problem into words. “I’m really worried about __________. I feel __________.” Learn to identify the feelings you experience as a result of this particular situation.
Now, remind yourself that other people likely experience similar feelings during similar situations. There is always someone who understands and has gone through whatever it is you’re going through. Think about the ways you’re feeling and recognize that someone else feels the same way. Don’t you want to offer them the reassurance you’d like to feel?
Next, call to mind three to five people in your life whom you admire and respect. Consider the things they may say to encourage you through this struggle. They might tell you to be kind to yourself, to take care of yourself, to nurture yourself, to love yourself, and so on. Hear these people you care about telling you these things in your mind and begin embracing them.
Another way to develop self-compassion is to see yourself through the eyes of a loving grandparent. They’re somewhat removed from your upbringing and therefore have a more gentle view of you. While your parents deal with your every difficult attribute, your grandparents are less inclined to focus only on the negative. Try to view yourself the way your grandparents may see you.
Reach Out For Help
Developing empathy doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Sure, you may make some progress without leaning on others. But true compassion for yourself and those around you happens when you bring the practice into the real world.
I suggest joining us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group and finding some men who are working to cultivate empathy. It’s a bunch of regular guys just like you who struggle with the same exact things. They know what you’re dealing with and can walk you through their own experiences with developing empathy.
It’s not something that happens all at once but I guarantee you it’s worth the effort. The benefits of cultivating empathy expand far outside yourself and your immediate circle; they impact everyone you come in contact with each day of your life.
It’s easier to get through the week because your time is likely scheduled already. You have your full-time job, your gym routine, and other things you need to handle throughout the week. There isn’t much time left for you to act out because much of your week is already set up.
However, weekends can feel like a free-for-all. You don’t have 8 hours of the day accounted for by your job. Your kids aren’t in school. Many men keep their gym days to weekdays so they can use the weekends to rest. Having all this free time is a recipe for disaster for men who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior.
If you find that weekends are especially difficult for you, you may need to adjust how you rest on the weekends. You set yourself up for failure when you work yourself ragged Monday through Friday and completely let go on the weekends. You’re more likely to slip when you’re exhausted, which is inevitable after a full week.
I find that too much free time isn’t a good thing for me, though, weekends included. I schedule every day of my life because I find it’s a more effective approach for me. At the start of my porn addiction recovery , the idea of leaving a day completely open was appealing to me, especially after a long week. But porn inevitably found its way into that lazy day so I had to do something different.
Most men do not have a schedule during the weekends. I see that a lot when I talk to men who are new to the system. I’ve found that creating a schedule on Saturdays and Sundays, just like I do Monday through Friday, is the best way for me to manage my weekends.
I’m not saying that you need to be busy all of Saturday and Sunday, too. You can still rest on the weekends without letting them go completely. I find that men in the Porn Reboot program need to adjust the way they rest. Rest doesn’t have to mean lying on the couch watching football all Sunday. I find that active rest is the best way for me to use my time on the weekends.
Active rest involves some form of mental or physical stimulation that doesn’t break your body down. This could include things like going for a walk, taking a hike, reading a book, or playing board games with friends. You can even schedule dates during your weekend afternoons or evenings if you’re at that stage of your reboot.
There are plenty of ways to fill your weekend without being busy for the sake of being busy, and without lazing around all day. Both of these extremes are harmful because they aren’t sustainable. But the best approach is to find enjoyable activities to fill your weekends with. These should be things that are fun to do that don’t leave you feeling exhausted on Sunday night.
It will take some time to get used to active rest on the weekends but it’s the best way to manage them during your reboot. The best way to start this process is to outline your plan with your accountability partner. Let them know what your schedule is for the weekend and ask that they hold you accountable for it.
If you don’t already have an accountability partner, come join us in the Free Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can connect with men working on various stages of their reboot and find some who will help keep you accountable. The two of you can support one another in your reboot process and ensure you both stay on track!
