Discover 7 Secrets To Eliminate Porn Addiction Forever


Be Mindful of the Therapist You Choose

Be Mindful of the Therapist You Choose

A while back I posted a video about why some straight men watch gay or transgender porn.

It’s a common thing for men who start progressing in their porn  addiction counseling use past the initial stages. But it creates a lot of confusion when men don’t understand why they’re watching what they’re watching. Until they learn more about porn addiction, some wonder whether they’re bisexual or gay.

I believe that most men who watch these genres of pornography aren’t bisexual or gay. Porn addiction is a progressive condition. This means that you need to seek increasingly intense or stimulating scenes over time to achieve the same effect. Gay and trans porn is oftentimes a part of this porn progression for many otherwise straight men.

A licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) commented on this video, though, with a different take. He said:

“I’m fully aware of and support your work, as well as the notion that pornography and other sexual behaviors are addictive. My theory based on my work, though, is that we live in a society where the majority of people are bisexual and a fringe number of people are either fully straight or fully gay. Many men who watch gay porn are likely part of this larger bisexual category.”

This worries me. I already have my opinions about men with porn addiction seeking help from most traditional therapists. The comment left by this LCSW on my video backs up my concerns and shows how misunderstood porn addiction still is.

Many therapists out there do not understand the concept of porn addiction. They see nothing wrong with men watching porn and masturbating daily. Sure, this might be fine for a normal man but men with porn addiction aren’t like other normal men. 

It’s even more serious for men whose porn use progresses past “vanilla” porn. When they start looking for more provocative genres of pornography, insight from an uninformed therapist can be downright dangerous.

For example, some therapists (like the LCSW who commented on my post) will be quick to brand a man watching gay or trans porn as bi-curious at the very least. However, I’ve worked with hundreds of men who delved into these genres but are as straight as they come. Branding men who are already confused and vulnerable as their sexuality only complicates things further.

Professionally speaking, I’ll admit that every human being exists somewhere on the spectrum from straight to gay. I don’t believe that means the number of people who are either strictly straight or gay are the minority, though. Plenty of men can recognize the attractive aesthetics of another man without identifying as gay.

So, again, does watching gay porn make you gay? I’ve seen from my own experiences working with men addicted to pornography that this oftentimes isn’t the case. You need to cut pornography from your life and begin rebooting before you can make an honest appraisal of that, though. 

Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. There are hundreds of men in the Porn Reboot program who also see a therapist to work through issues outside my scope of expertise. But they spent time vetting the therapist they now work with and ensured it was a therapist who understands the severity of porn addiction and the directions it can progress. 

Seeking help from a therapist who doesn’t understand porn addiction won’t be helpful. They’re more likely to focus on your attraction to men than your issues with porn. From my experience, you need to address your porn issues and let your confused sense of attraction sort itself out during your reboot.


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Does Your Reboot Need to Be a Priority?

Does Your Reboot Need to Be a Priority?

I recently had a one-on-one with a brother who brought up a very interesting point I want to cover here today. This brother is in the middle stage of his reboot. He’s doing well in most aspects of his reboot but still struggles to control his behavior with porn and masturbation. 

However, he’s so focused on his slips that he can’t see all the progress he’s making in other areas. No matter what positives I pointed out, he couldn’t recognize the improvements in his career, his relationship, and his finances. He firmly believed that unless he was completely and totally free from porn, no other improvements mattered.

As we talked, it came up that in the past he came across Gary Wilson, one of the early greats in the realm of porn addiction. If you aren’t already familiar, he’s the one who developed concepts like “Your Brain on Porn” and “NoFap.” While I have great respect for the work he did to bring awareness to the detriments of porn, he and I differ in a few areas of thought.

One of the primary differences between our views on porn addiction recovery is his abstinence-only approach. His programs focus so heavily on a man’s porn  addiction problem that they neglect to see the importance of simultaneously building up other areas of your life. They didn’t talk about things like relationships, social life, financial well-being, physical health, and mental health.

This led our brother, and thousands of others like him, to view his slips as meaning his entire reboot was a failure. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t blowing his paychecks the day they arrived, that he wasn’t neglecting his girlfriend, or that he was finally showing up to work on time. No, the few slips here and there meant the whole reboot was unsuccessful.

I don’t adhere to that thought. I’m not saying that you should continue watching porn, jerking off, and having compulsive sex during your reboot. The whole point of the Porn Reboot program is to rewire your brain so you can separate from these out-of-control behaviors. I am saying that putting all the emphasis on porn and ignoring progress in other areas is a recipe for disaster.

Yes, your reboot needs to be a priority. But when I say your reboot, I mean the whole reboot process. I mean building physical, social, emotional, mental, and spiritual reboot capital. I mean your morning routine, meditation, journaling, and getting to the gym. I mean spending time with your partner, being a good employee, and checking in with your accountability partner.

All of these things are just as important as whether you view porn or not. Do you know why? Because if you only based your success on whether you slipped or relapsed, you would destroy your self-esteem.

You’re here because of your problem with porn, sex, and masturbation, brother. You won’t end those things all at once right away. You spend years developing those habits and it will take at least a few months to end them. As I often talk about, even though I don’t support “counting days”, it takes at least 90 days to reboot and up to two years to fully rewire your brain.

Men with high self-esteem are less likely to act out sexually than men with low self-esteem. If you don’t measure success in these other areas alongside your compulsive behavior, you will feel like you’re a failure. We want to build your self-esteem, not tear it down. And incorporating your reboot capital as a benchmark of success is a crucial way to do that.

There was no Porn Reboot system when I worked to end my out-of-control behavior. My experiences were the original case study for the program. While I couldn’t quit watching porn and jerking off, I knew there had to be other things I could do in the meantime. Trying to measure my success by my time away from porn made me feel worse and worse.

Instead, I first focused on building my physique. I was 21, tall, and lanky. I felt weak. I didn’t feel attractive. But I recognized that there were more resources on building a strong physique than quitting porn, so I started there. I stuck to a meal plan, lifted weights progressively, and within 90 days my body began to change. Within a year I put on some significant size. And the reactions from people boosted my confidence. I still struggled with my out-of-control behavior, but I finally had something to feel proud of.

Then I shifted my focus to my social anxiety. I was so uncomfortable around people in public, both men and women, and knew it was something I needed to overcome. So I began the process by interacting with people at the bar to learn to hold conversations. As I learned to converse, I started asking some of the women I talked with on dates. It was a slow process but my progress was as evident as it was when working on my physique.

I didn’t stop working on controlling my behavior with porn during this time. I still dealt with slips and relapses, but they became less frequent as I gained confidence. I realized that by focusing on things other than porn, porn naturally became less of a problem. This led to my concept for the Porn Reboot system that thousands of men use today.

So again, brother, yes, your reboot needs to be a priority. Your compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation brought you here. Obviously, things are not going well and you want to control your behavior. But I encourage you to make your entire reboot a priority, not just the aspects that have to do with your porn problem.

I watched the process work for myself and the many men I’ve worked with during the years. You’re far from alone in dealing with this struggle, brother. You’ve landed among a community of men who know exactly what you’re going through. If you haven’t already, I invite you to join our FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. Start there and read through some experiences. You’ll find others rebuilding their lives, from work to relationships to their physique and more.

Come join us on our Porn Addiction Counseling as we make our reboots a priority in all aspects of our lives.

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Can Porn Addiction Be Cure: Myths and Realities

Can Porn Addiction Be Cure: Myths and Realities

I’ve got another great question from a brother in the Porn Reboot Facebook group for you today. He asks: 

“J.K., do you think that you can ever be cured of porn addiction problems? When it plays such a pivotal role in your life from adolescence into adulthood, do you always have to fight urges? Do you have to be careful about relapses for the rest of your life?

“Let’s use you as an example. You feel that you’ve recovered from your porn addiction. Do you ever get urges still? Do you occasionally watch pornography once a month, every six months, or even once a year? Do you have to tiptoe around relapses? Is it a constant battle every day?”

I’m hesitant to use the term “cure.” Con artists have been hucking quick cures since the dawn of time. I believe the only cures you should seek are those from a medical professional. Since I’m not a doctor, nor am I a con artist, I prefer not to view myself or my clients as “cured” of their porn addiction problems.

However, I do know for a fact that you can rewire your brain to no longer need pornography. The Porn Reboot system is designed for that exact purpose. From developing healthy coping mechanisms; to understanding the driving forces behind your behavior; to whatever else pushes you to lean on porn, sex, and masturbation; that’s what Porn Reboot helps you do.

Something in this brother’s question stuck out to me. He asked: “Do you ever get urges even now? Do you still occasionally watch pornography once a month, every six months, or a year?” It’s something that a lot of brothers wonder about at the start of the porn addiction recovery process.

In my case, as well as the cases of many of our brothers, I do not need to. Why? Because I simply do not have the self-image of a man who needs pornography. I’m not interested in watching porn occasionally as a “treat”. I have no reason to.

Most men cannot conceptualize a life free of pornography when they first arrive at the program. They’ve spent years consumed by compulsive porn use. Porn was an everyday thing. The idea that you can go a day, week, month, or year without using porn, not because you have to but because you don’t want to, is unfathomable.

Look at it this way. Why would you want to engage once a month, every six months, or a few times a year, in something that may have ruined your marriage? Something that destroyed your career? Something that shattered your self-esteem? Why would you still want a taste of that? What about that sounds enticing to you?

I know the answers to those questions because I spent years trapped in the cycle myself. And that’s the point of the Pornography Addiction Treatment. I’m not here to “cure” men of their porn addiction. I don’t concern myself with the thought of whether it’s something that can be or should be cured. Instead, I focus on helping men completely rewire their brains so that they never feel the need to go back to that behavior again.

That may sound like you’ll fight a constant battle for the rest of your life from where you’re standing right now, but I promise that it’s not. If you implement the Porn Reboot system, over time you’ll build a life that leaves you with no need for porn or compulsive sexual behavior. You’re going to find yourself immersed in a life far more incredible than you ever imagined, wondering why you ever bothered with porn in the first place. 

If quitting porn still feels like a fight, you haven’t fully committed to the process. There’s still a part of you that believes you can use porn normally. You haven’t accepted that you’re not like other men, a “civilian” as I like to call them. You have a problematic relationship with pornography and you need to replace that neural pathway with something new.

That means joining us here in the Porn Reboot program. We developed a system that has helped thousands of men over the last decade. We’re an ever-expanding network of brothers who know the struggle of porn addiction and know the freedom that can come after it. I invite you to join us, brother, and see for yourself what a porn-free life can be.

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Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot

Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot

I want to bring you a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group today. He asked:

“My girlfriend and I decided that to protect her heart, I don’t share anything about my reboot slip-ups unless she specifically asks exactly what she wants to know. Sometimes when we’re catching up about our days, though, I’ll have acted out that day. Like she’ll ask how my midday nap was but I watched porn instead of taking a nap. I feel horrible lying to her but I want to keep our agreement. How do I handle this?”

This is a fantastic question because it’s something many men in committed relationships deal with during their reboot. Many spouses and partners of men with a porn addiction problem experience extreme betrayal trauma. 

When a man first ends his out-of-control behavior with porn, sometimes his spouse wants to know where he is going and what he is doing at all times. She wants to know whether he’s still watching porn, what type of porn, or what the women he’s watching look like. These women feel unbelievably hurt and for good reason. 

This brother’s question means he and his girlfriend are in a good position given the situation. She is aware of his out-of-control behavior and he understands how his behavior hurts her. It sounds like she’s allowing him enough space to work on his reboot without her getting too invested or involved.

However, it also sounds like this brother is someone trapped by the idea that he needs to be honest at all costs. I don’t hold to this belief, especially when it comes to the reboot process. I don’t believe you should lie to your partner but I also don’t think you need to tell her about every slip that occurs.

I think you should have a conversation with her upfront instead. Let her know that slips are often part of the reboot process but you don’t want to put her in the middle of things. Explain that you have a coach, a therapist, and accountability partners to work through those slips with. Tell her you understand that she didn’t sign up to be your accountability partner, nor did she sign up to be hurt. Acknowledge the damage you’ve done and help her see how talking with her about any future slips will only do more harm than good.

If you’re honest about the possibility of slips from the beginning, it eliminates the need to feel like you’re lying by omission. You shouldn’t drag your partner through the weeds every time you slip; it’s your responsibility to fix it and keep her from dealing with the repercussions of your behavior.

Find a way to discuss situations like the one our brother outlined above without bringing up the slip. For example, he could tell her that he had a lot on his mind when he laid down so he wasn’t able to go to sleep. 

He doesn’t need to bring up watching porn because it’s ultimately irrelevant. He should talk about the emotions that led up to the slip instead. Perhaps he was tired from the gym or stressed about an intense workload. He could bring these things up and talk them through with his girlfriend so he is honest without needing to talk about his slip.

I recommend you do the same in your relationship, brother. It’s not your partner’s burden to bear, it’s yours. You must find a way to work on your behavior without stringing her along through the process. You don’t need to be completely transparent about every slip but you do need to let her in on what’s going on.

Knowing the fine balance of how much to share is something you learn during the reboot process. Over time you won’t deal with slips as frequently, either, so you won’t have to keep skirting around the topic. The Porn Reboot system works, brother, and both you and your partner will benefit from the work you do.


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How to Be Happy: Finding Fulfillment In Problem-Solving

How to Be Happy: Finding Fulfillment In Problem-Solving

Early in the reboot process, you might find yourself wondering when things get better. You’ve spent years trapped in the vicious cycle of porn addiction problems and masturbation addiction. It’s no wonder you want to finally feel some relief. But at the same time, achieving that point of relief and happiness probably seems impossible some days.

I’ve spent 15 years working at my reboot now and I understand the rush to feel “happy.” When I first started ending my out-of-control behavior it had been so long since I felt truly happy. I had no idea what true happiness was, though, because I developed a false sense of fulfillment through porn, sex, and masturbation.

Too many men focus on achieving happiness as an end goal, not recognizing that their understanding of happiness will shift over time. I’ve found that the benchmark for happiness is arbitrary and fleeting and always changing. Things that you think will make you happy may not be what you thought they would be once you achieve them. 

At the start of my reboot, I believed that things would be perfect once I had my finances together, once I had the woman, once I had a social life, and once I controlled my sexual behavior. However, I realized as time went on that my belief that the elimination of problems would bring happiness wasn’t true. It’s almost as if problems are a prerequisite for happiness.

If there’s one promise in life it’s that problems will always arise. You can’t experience life to the fullest without also experiencing your fair share of problems. The elimination of all your problems isn’t the pathway to happiness because more will always crop up sooner or later. 

Also, think about how you feel when you solve a problem. It may be difficult at the moment, whether that’s a few days, weeks, or even years, but once you work through it you’re likely left feeling incredibly fulfilled. The sense of accomplishment that comes with solving a problem runs deeper than any fleeting sense of happiness ever could.

In my experience, pursuing this deep sense of fulfillment is far more meaningful and lasting than the pursuit of happiness. And I also find that over time, the fulfillment eventually becomes happiness. This means I believe that accepting the inevitability of problems is the first step to happiness.

Recognize the reality that you will never fully escape your problems. You’re always going to have them to some extent. Instead of fighting them, though, try accepting each one as it comes. Shift your perspective and see them as an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow.

The shift won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen easily. Men who struggle with compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation are always looking for an easy fix. I know that because I spent most of my early life doing the same thing. But quick fixes are not lasting fixes; they only put a bandaid over a wound that needs intensive care.

If you commit to shifting your beliefs about problem-solving, I guarantee you’ll find happiness much faster than the way you’re approaching it now. Sure, things like promotions, raises, having children, and going on trips are great ways to experience happiness. At the same time, once the excitement wears off you’ll find yourself back where you started.

Learning to appreciate the fulfillment of problem-solving and use it as my primary source of happiness has completely changed my life. I welcome the problems I know will inevitably arise and use them as an opportunity to better myself. There will always be a problem to solve; why not use it as the pathway to happiness?

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How to Be Compassionate with Yourself

If you’re anything like me, brother, you’re probably pretty hard on yourself.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us are pretty hard on ourselves even after we start gaining a hold on our out-of-control behavior. We spent so many months and years consumed by pornography and compulsive sexual behavior that it’s difficult to look at how our lives panned out.

I remember I hated myself when I was still struggling with my behavior. I was very hard on myself because I’d become the type of guy who said I’d do something but never followed through. I was also the type of guy who could see that I was doing something that was hurting me but I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I can’t tell you how many times I promised myself that this would be the last time, that it wasn’t going to happen again. Then I would relapse and end up back where I started, or in an even worse place, over and over again. Eventually, I lost trust in myself because I continued doing this week after week, month after month, year after year.

Imagine depending on someone who tells you they’re going to do something, but whenever the time comes they have an excuse. Every single time you need them they let you down. This person you depend on has some reason or another to let you down each time you look to them to follow through.

It’s pretty hard to love this sort of person especially when the things they mess up are important to you. But that’s exactly the type of person that many of us believe ourselves to be. We’ve let ourselves down time and time again so we’ve lost faith in ourselves over the years.

You have to build that faith and trust back up if you want to be successful in your reboot. It’s not easy at the beginning when you have little reason to believe that this time will be different, though. One tool you can use to get yourself through these lulls in belief is self-compassion.

The idea of being compassionate with yourself might sound silly or even impossible. You might think it’s cheesy or woo-woo science. But today I ask that you leave behind whatever preconceived notions you have about self-compassion.

I started using a very specific technique to practice self-compassion in my life. Think about the way your grandmother views you. If you don’t have a grandmother around, consider the typical ways grandparents treat their grandchildren. 

More often than not, grandparents don’t carry the burden of raising their grandchildren so there’s some space between them and that responsibility. This is why you see the stereotype of grandparents who spoil their grandchildren; they love endlessly and often lack the weight that comes with raising you themselves.

Think of the compassion your grandmother or grandfather holds in their heart for you. They have so much love, compassion, and forgiveness. They want what’s best for you and want to see you do well. No matter the mistakes you make, your grandparents will continue loving you through it.

I still struggle with the self-compassion aspect of my reboot to this day. It’s not easy to cut myself some slack or give myself a break. I expect myself to be a high performer at all times. So I adopted this practice of viewing myself as my grandparents would in the last few weeks. I’ve been working on it as a way to allow myself to be more compassionate toward myself.

When I look at myself as a grandparent would, I feel endlessly loving and forgiving. I feel like I wouldn’t give up on myself. I would be patient with myself. No matter what happens, I would always find love for myself despite the circumstances.

I’d love for you to try this out and let me know what you think. If self-compassion is difficult for you to achieve like it is for me, this practice may be useful for you, too. After trying it for a few days, hop over into our Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot Facebook group and let us know about your experience!

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