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Two Biggest Reboot Mistakes

Two Biggest Reboot Mistakes

When you look back over the last year, do you feel like you aren’t where you thought you would be? Perhaps you set a few goals last year and imagined yourself in a far different place in your career, your relationship, or your reboot than you’re in right now. If this applies to you, maybe there’s some frustration or anger about your lack of progress. Maybe you’re wondering where you went wrong. Maybe you feel like even though you did the best you could, you’re still far off from where you should be. If you feel that way, I’m writing this for you today. I want to cover two common mistakes I see a lot of professional brothers make in their reboot.

You Mistake Your Ideals for Goals

An ideal is something that exists only in your imagination. It is something that is perfect or desirable but is not likely to become a reality. Let’s say that your dream life involves being in full control of your sexual behavior, having a powerful focus, and having freedom from experiencing shame, guilt, and uncertainty. 

You want to have mind-blowing orgasms with your dream woman, a beautiful partner who brings you so much joy that you thank the heavens for blessing you with such a goddess. You plan to make $600 to $700,000 after taxes every year, have a seven- or eight-figure net worth, and contribute to causes that you believe in. Finally, you also want to have a fit, healthy body and become a master of your chosen field as you head into middle age.

Doesn’t that sound like the perfect life?

Sure it does, because it’s ideal. That life won’t be a reality for the majority of people. That’s the first biggest reboot mistake I see: mistaking your ideals for goals. There’s nothing wrong with setting some big goals for yourself but attaching to an ideal is where many men fall short. 

Ideals are grandiose, imaginary scenarios. Goals are real-life milestones you establish in pursuit of those ideals. Unfortunately, I often work with men who think they’re chasing after their ideals but they don’t have a single goal in place. You must use your ideals to inform your goals, and as you achieve your goals you’ll find yourself closer to your ideals.

You Mistake Belief for Commitment

There’s nothing wrong with believing in your goals. In fact, you should be your biggest supporter in life. No one understands you quite as you do and no one can show up for you better than you can show up for yourself. Believing in yourself and your goals is a critical component of success. 

Committing to your goals is the next step. Commitment means making a decision with an unwavering determination to execute the plans you set in place. You can’t follow through on your goals if you don’t commit to them. If you only make a half-hearted effort to meet your goals then you’ll never fully accomplish what you set out to achieve.

However, the second biggest reboot mistake I see is men who mistake belief for commitment. You can also believe in the alluring pull of lavish ideals, but you cannot commit to them. You can only commit to well-established goals. But even then you can believe in yourself and believe in your goals but that doesn’t mean you’ve committed to them, either.

Mistaking belief for commitment looks like a lot of exuberance and energy on the front end with little to no persistence or perseverance on the back end. It looks like setting some massive goals and feeling excited about them at first but losing steam once that excitement wears off.

There’s nothing wrong with believing in yourself but that belief only does something when you commit and execute. Too often I see men thrilled about their new pursuit of a porn-free life but when their reboot tasks become monotonous and the desperation wears off, they realize they were operating on belief rather than commitment.

Becoming Successful in Your Reboot

So, how do you avoid these mistakes and become successful in your reboot? First, you must define what your reboot looks like. Some guys are confused by this notion when I first bring it up. You might feel that way, too, and find yourself wondering, “Wait, J.K., isn’t that what I’m here for? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for me?”

No, brother. No one can define your ideals except for you. Maybe the ideal life outlined above doesn’t even sound appealing to you. Perhaps you have a different outcome than you hoped for. That’s why you’re the only person who can define your ideals. Don’t set your ideals based on anyone’s expectations or standards but your own. It’s not up to your parents, your partner, your friends, or the gurus you follow online to tell you what your ideals are. It’s up to you alone.

Once you define your ideals, then you can set specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals to achieve them. You can commit to your goals and begin pursuing your ideals. 

Then you can share those goals with the group and receive support on your way to achieving your dream life. While each of our ideals and goals may differ slightly, the persistence and dedication required to achieve them are the same for all of us. Lean into the group because we can offer guidance based on our experience pursuing our specific goals and ideals.

Although some aspects of your reboot are highly individualized, that doesn’t mean you have to work on them alone. That’s what the Porn  Addiction Recovery – Reboot group is for. We exist to surround one another and bring each other up on our individual journeys. You can easily avoid these two big reboot mistakes by getting in the middle of the group as you progress through your reboot.

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What’s Your Biggest Fear?

Pornography is NOT the Problem

I believe that when a man decides to move from the pre-reboot to the early reboot stage, he does so for one of three reasons:

  • Love
  • Duty
  • Fear

These three forces are the primary driving factors that push us to take the action necessary to end our out-of-control behavior. We all end up here for one reason or another but 99% of the time that reason falls into one of the three categories above.

Today I want to focus on fear.

Whether it’s the primary driving force or not, most men arrive at the Porn Reboot program filled with fear. Porn accompanied you for a large portion of your life and the thought of letting it go is terrifying. What does a life without porn look like? How will you handle stress or boredom? What will you do when an urge arises? 

Pornography became your main coping skill over the years. Instead of using things like the gym, reading, or meditation to work through intense emotions or experiences, you turned to porn. That means most of the major events of your life were also coupled with porn use. Every big thing in your life has the hidden shadow of pornography behind it.

If you’re still young you may not realize the full extent of this yet. However, men who show up in their forties or fifties know exactly what I’m talking about. From getting married to launching businesses to making big career moves to having children, their porn use was always quietly along for the ride.

When these men finally make it to the Porn Reboot program, they’re terrified, and rightfully so. 

I had a conversation with a potential client a couple of weeks ago. He’s a very successful executive who spent many years repressing his out-of-control behavior. He never fully committed to any one program and always put work ahead of any attempt to end his behavior. He ended up on a call with one of my reboot strategists and they passed him along because they thought he could benefit from a direct call with me.

This man explained everything I just wrote about. He didn’t know how to experience anything in life, good or bad, without turning to porn. He’s in his mid-forties with multiple decades of porn addiction under his belt and no tools to handle the problem. He was paralyzed by the thought of a life without pornography, no matter how beautiful it may be.

This fear drives men to the program but also keeps them from fully engaging with the system. Working through this fear is an important part of the early stage of their reboot so they can move forward into the middle and late stages.

Another fear that brings men to the Porn Reboot program is the fear of pain. Our compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation cause a lot of pain. They instill pain not only in our lives but the lives of those we care about whether they know it or not. Even if your wife or children aren’t aware of your porn use, they’re aware of your inability to fully engage in their lives. They’re aware that you aren’t present the majority of the time.

The pain of this reality brings men into calls with our reboot strategists every day. He doesn’t want to feel it anymore and he wants to stop causing his family pain, too. Fear of further pain is a strong motivator and can quickly push you from the pre-reboot to the early stage.

Another common fear I hear is the fear of exposure, of people finding out the truth about your behavior. Maybe you’re a pastor or youth group leader, maybe you’re an executive or C-suite employee, or maybe you’re the coach of your kid’s soccer team. No matter what level you’re at, there’s a ton of shame that comes with pornography addiction. The thought of people discovering what you do or the things you watch when you’re by yourself at night is horrifying.

This fear brings men into the program willing and ready to do just about anything to end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. They can’t bear the thought of bringing shame to their wife and kids because of their behavior. The possibility of tainting the name of their business or company if someone found out about their addiction brings them to their knees.

So if fear brought you to the program, what exactly is that fear? What do you worry will happen or what has already happened that you fear will get worse? Fear is a powerful tool when it comes to ending your out-of-control behavior. But fear will only get you so far.

Fear is a good way to get into the program but you must take action to ensure you stay. I’ve talked with countless terrified men who eventually returned to the shadows of their addiction because they weren’t willing to commit to the work. They didn’t want to give up certain aspects of their life necessary for a successful reboot.

Fear is a motivator but it is not enough. No external force is enough to keep you engaged in the work required for reboot success. That driving force must come from within. You must reach a point during your reboot when it becomes about quitting for you, not for anyone else. When you’re ready to move past those fears and discover what you’re capable of, that’s when you find freedom in your reboot.

So, brother, what are you afraid of and what are you going to do to move through that and immerse yourself in the Porn Reboot system?

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