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The Importance of Values To Your Reboot

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The Importance of Values To Your Reboot

What are some values that are important to you?

Could you list 5 or 10 clear values that define how you believe it’s important to live?

Whenever I ask a brother what his value system is, I tend to get vague responses. They fumble around and offer general things like being a good guy and doing the right thing. The problem is that being a good guy and doing the right thing looks different to different people. Not everyone has the same idea of what a “good guy” looks like. Those values are empty and meaningless. They don’t offer any real direction or purpose in your life.

I believe that a man must have clearly defined values to fully recover from his porn addiction and change his self-image. This may sound terrifying if you struggled to define clear values but I promise that I can help. Values are of the utmost importance in your reboot and I want to help you understand how to define those which are important to you.

What Are Values?

Values are generalizations that describe things that are important to you. They help you define what is good or bad, right or wrong. Your values have a massive impact on your actions because they drive behavior and provide motivation for all of your actions.

An easy way to think about values is to see them as buttons that either attract or repel you from things in life. They move you closer towards or further away from an outcome. Values are typically closely connected to your beliefs. These things work together to help you outline how you want to live.

Why Are Values Important?

To put it simply, values are the key to unlocking your mindset. You’re going to feel uncomfortable if you do something that goes against your value system. Understanding your values is a vital part of uncovering mental roadblocks and determining whether you’re moving in the right direction.

For example, I’m very open about my belief that casual sex is just fine once you’re past a certain point in your reboot. Some men in the Porn Reboot program are Christians, though, and don’t want to engage in casual sex. It goes against their value system and doing so would make them feel bad and maybe even put them at risk of a relapse.

Just because I view casual sex as something that isn’t a big deal doesn’t make my Christian brothers’ value systems any less important or valid. This is why you must get clear on what your personal value system is; no one else can define it for you.

Values Determine Your Priorities

It’s easier to prioritize your life once you’re clear on your values. You can organize your life to fit your needs when you know what is most important to you. Let’s say you’re a man with a wife and kids who absolutely loves his family. Your family is one of your greatest values. Understanding the value of family in your life means you may have to sacrifice time for them but it’s worth it because you value them.

Getting clear on my values is what enables me to do all the things that I do. Brothers in the group often ask me how it is that I can meditate for two hours and get to the gym every day while still having time to meet with men in the porn addiction recovery group and interact with my partner.

I don’t have any more time in a single day than you do, brother. There’s no secret behind my daily routine that adds an extra hour or two. It’s simple. I can do all these things because I value them. I value my mental wellbeing, I value my physical health, I value my work, and I value my partner. Each aspect is important to me so I make sure I dedicate time to each of them every single day.

Dissatisfaction Means Unmet Values

If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unfulfilled it likely means that you’re living out of congruence with your values. Let’s say you believe that you value fitness and health. You know you want to eat whole foods and commit to a regular gym routine. When lunchtime comes, though, you swing through a fast food drive thru and pick up a greasy burger and fries.

The more you engage in actions that are out of alignment with your values, the more dissatisfied you become. There’s nothing wrong with admitting your original values may not be your true values, but trying to force yourself into a value system that isn’t your own will leave you feeling discontent.

On the other hand, you’re going to feel satisfied and at peace when you live in congruence with your values. If you say you value fitness and health then spend your time meal prepping and getting to the gym after work, you will feel much more at ease. Even if the actions required to meet your values are tiring, the results make you feel invigorated.

Get Clear on Your Values

You must get clear on your values if you want to be successful in your reboot. Part of the reboot process is understanding truths about yourself and then taking the action required to align with those truths. You will feel much better when you align your behavior with your value system. But you can’t do that until you understand what your value system is.

If you’re having a hard time determining what your values are, I invite you to join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can reach out to some brothers who have worked through the process and are willing to share their experience. Surrounding yourself with men who have done the work will make it easier for you to do your own work, too.

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Developing Reboot Capital for Lasting Change

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Developing Reboot Capital for Lasting Change

If you’ve been around the Porn Reboot program for some time you’ve probably seen me write about reboot capital before.

However, I’ve never dedicated a post to explaining what reboot capital is. It’s a foundational part of the porn addiction recovery – reboot system so I want to help you understand what it is and the role it plays.

Reboot capital is the way I look at building up your life so you can stay off pornography and masturbation. These parts of life are what allow you to wake up each morning and face the day, feeling full of joy and purpose. The five areas of life where you need to build reboot capital are:

Mental
Social
Spiritual
Physical
Emotional

Disconnection from any one of these five areas leads you back to a slip in your out-of-control behavior. Reconnection is not only the path back to these areas of your life, but also the antidote to letting them go. The pain you experience exists when you’re out of sync in one or more of these areas. The stronger you build up these five areas of your life, the more fulfilled you’ll feel and the less likely you are to return to pornography.

Reboot capital is the concept I use to keep all of them in check. Just as a person needs capital when they start a business, a man needs capital to stay afloat when ending his behavior with porn and masturbation.

When you deplete capital in any of these five areas, you begin a subtle but sure spiral toward a slip. But when all five areas are working together, you experience contentment, fulfillment, and balance in your life.

Ending your out-of-control behavior doesn’t mean life becomes amazing forever. You must always monitor and ensure each area has sufficient capital flowing into it to keep you moving forward when times get tough. And times will inevitably get tough, brother, because that’s the way life happens.

Over the next few days I’m going to take a deep dive into how to build reboot capital in these five areas. To stay off pornography for life and rewire your brain without fear of returning to your behavior, you must heal, nurture, and develop each of them. Learning how to stop porn addiction and check back in a few days to read more about the building mental reboot capital.

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Unlocking Emotional Reboot Capital

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Unlocking Emotional Reboot Capital

Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital.

Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:

Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social

Now that we’ve covered the spiritual and mental aspects of your reboot, emotional wellbeing is the next area to pursue. Building emotional reboot capital requires you to feel and experience life at a deeper level. Your emotional side is the part of you that seeks meaningful contact with others.

A pornography-laden life creates distance between you and those you love. This applies not only in a physical sense because of the time you spend watching it. This also applies in an emotional sense because it dampens your emotions and holds you back from building fulfilling relationships with the people you care about.

Over time, the truth begins to blur as you justify your increasingly harmful behavior. You shut down emotionally to block out the negative feelings that stem from your porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior. The deeper you fall into your addiction, the more you’re forced to numb your emotions.

A successful reboot requires you to reconnect with your emotions so you can once again fully engage with life. At the same time, it also requires learning to keep your emotions from controlling you. This means you need to address your emotional deficiencies and build emotional reboot capital. What does emotional reboot capital entail?

Most men who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior stunted their emotional growth. They are emotionally immature. If you started watching porn during your childhood or early teenage years, you’re more likely to experience adverse results, cognitive disorders, and social challenges during adulthood.

Emotionally immature men remain stuck in their negative emotions and seem to have no way out of them. For example, you may feel uncomfortable in your skin and find it difficult to deal with the everyday challenges of life. When faced with problems you may become short-tempered or feel unable to cope. Some men even develop learned helplessness, meaning they depend too heavily on others because they don’t believe they have the power to enact change for themselves.

There are many dangers of unaddressed emotional immaturity. These include things like:

Loneliness
Lack of intimacy
Difficulties with interpersonal relationships
Struggles with building new friendships
Inability to face life on life’s terms
Greater risk of slips or relapse

On the other hand, emotionally mature men recognize, understand, and manage their emotions. This enables them to define success for themselves, relate with others, and create the life they desire. Emotionally mature men do not need to numb the intensity of life’s ups and downs; they take each moment as it comes and make the best of it.

Some of the traits of emotionally mature men include:

Not a victim of their emotions
Easier to live in the moment
Able to be of use to others
Experience less stress
Build stronger, more effective relationships
Overall optimism about the future

Working through your emotional immaturity is critical if you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery. Emotionally immature men do not have a successful porn addiction counseling. They blame others for their problems and refuse to take responsibility. And while you may struggle with emotional immaturity now, you have the power to work through and overcome this serious handicap.

Building emotional reboot capital is a bit more challenging than spiritual and mental capital. These emotional deficiencies plague us our entire lives up to the point where we are today. I’m going to unpack the ways you can build emotional reboot capital over the next few days before we launch into the rest of the series.

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Psychedelics and Rebooting from Porn Addiction

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Psychedelics and Rebooting from Porn Addiction

Psychedelic drugs aren’t a new phenomenon.

The 60s and 70s are notorious for the spread of psychedelics and the influence these drugs had on lots of the music and art during that period. They’re often touted as a way to get in touch with your spirituality and to increase your awareness of and feelings of oneness with the world.

Lots of brothers ask about the effects of psychedelics on their reboot. They wonder whether the spiritual awareness and awakening that comes from psychedelics have any benefit on their relationship to porn, sex, and masturbation. It comes up often enough that I feel it’s finally important to address here on the blog.

Full disclosure, I don’t have much experience with psychedelics. The only time I’ve used any psychedelic drug is when I microdosed psilocybin. Although it was an interesting experience it also wasn’t out of the ordinary. I’ve never gone on a full trip but I also don’t feel the need to have one, either. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to try different psychedelics but I’ve chosen to focus on other practices for my reboot instead.

I choose to lean into my meditation practice for the time being rather than test the waters of psychedelics. I’ve known many psychonauts who credit their psychedelic experiences for their insight. I may explore that avenue of consciousness and spirituality at some point and I hope it enhances my life as I’ve seen it do with others.

That being said, I have never seen anyone end their out-of-control sexual behavior with psychedelics.

Sure, men gain plenty of insight when using these substances. I’ve seen men become more empathetic, seen them uncover a deep-seated roadblock, seen them work through unresolved belief systems. It provides a way to get in touch with a lot of your suppressed emotions or develop a spirituality you felt incapable of cultivating before. Psychedelics offer an avenue for exploration and self-discovery that is unique to this experience alone.

However, they aren’t a requirement for you to successfully overcome your porn addiction. I know many men who stress the magic of psychedelics but still battle with their compulsive behavior. I also know many men who, like me, have never had a psychedelic experience yet live happy, fulfilling lives free from their behavior with porn and masturbation.

I’m not saying that psychedelics are an absolute no or that they don’t have their uses. But I am saying that they aren’t a necessity. You don’t need to trip to get in touch with your emotions. You don’t need to trip to develop reboot capital or develop a routine. You don’t need to trip to control your behavior.

At the same time, if you believe a psychedelic experience will offer you deeper insight into the work you’re already doing, then by all means go ahead. I’m not here to discourage or dissuade anyone from doing something they may find helpful for their porn addiction recovery. But I’m also not here to tell anyone they need to do something when it’s far from being a necessity.

Another thing to consider is the effects that psychedelics can have. People who are prone to depression or anxiety aren’t the best candidates for psychedelic experiences. From what I understand, trips can be difficult to control and if you panic at any point the experience can become very overwhelming very fast.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question other than you do not have to take psychedelics to overcome your out-of-control behavior. The tools you learn in the Porn Reboot system are more than enough to help you gain control of your porn addiction and masturbation.

If you’re concerned that psychedelics may not be a good experience for you, there’s nothing wrong with not using them. However, if you’re doing the work to control your behavior and feel that psychedelics may enhance the process, you might find them to be a useful tool. Psychedelics work for some but not for all. Whatever decision you make, I promise you that rebooting is still possible.

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Self-Esteem for Porn Addiction Recovery

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Self-Esteem for Porn Addiction Recovery

Self-esteem is something I write and talk a lot about here on the blog and our various other channels.

As men who struggle with a compulsive porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation, our self-esteem tends to be horribly low when we first decide to quit. We hate ourselves, we’re filled with guilt and shame, we believe we’re weak and pathetic, and more.

Unless you rebuild your self-esteem, you’ll always find yourself struggling to maintain your reboot. You’ll never see yourself as a man who can live a life free of compulsive sexual behavior if you don’t address your self-image and self-esteem. What can you do to work on your poor self-esteem when you first arrive at the porn addiction recovery – reboot program?

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself. It’s based on your self-image and how you view yourself. For example, if you see yourself as a pathetic, porn-addicted man who can’t overcome his behavior, you’ll have poor self-esteem. However, if you recognize that everyone makes mistakes, has the power to overcome them, and know that you’re working to be a better man, you’ll have a strong sense of self-esteem.

There are a few different aspects that make up your self-esteem. Addressing each of these areas will help you build up your sense of self-esteem and strengthen the way you feel about yourself.

Identity

Humans naturally feel a desire and drive to belong to something. Your identity is made up of two parts: identity within a group and identity within yourself. In terms of a group, your identity is defined by the kind of people you surround yourself with. This includes your family, friends, colleagues, and community. In terms of yourself, your identity involves all of your characteristics, both positive and negative. Reaching self-acceptance is important for cultivating self-esteem.

Competence

Competence is having trust in your ability to do or not do something. It involves an understanding of your capabilities, limitations, and desire to learn new things. You won’t feel very great if you believe you aren’t capable of much. On the other hand, if you believe in your abilities, you’ll have a deeper sense of self-esteem. Men who feel highly competent tend to have higher levels of self-esteem than those who feel incompetent.

Self-Confidence

Self-confidence is the main feeder of your self-esteem. Your sense of security, both personally and with those around you, contributes heavily to how you feel about yourself. Confident men also have high self-esteem. Building up your self-esteem relies primarily on building up your self-confidence.

Self-Esteem in Extremes

There is an important caveat when it comes to building self-esteem. Going to extremes on either end, whether you have far too much self-esteem or far too little, isn’t a healthy place to be. The most effective approach to self-esteem resides somewhere in a balanced middle point.

For example, some men may have very high self-esteem without realizing that it isn’t grounded in anything. They have an overly inflated sense of self but it isn’t built on anything outside of their perception. Then you have men who tear themselves down any chance they get. These men also carry an unrealistic, extreme view of themselves but on the other end of the spectrum.

Something I notice in high-performing men is their tendency to vacillate between these two spaces. Sometimes they puff themselves up and believe they’re better than others around them. Other times they’re overcome with guilt, shame, and remorse, and believe they will never overcome their behavior or amount to anything.

Typically these extremes of self-esteem stem from coping or compensating. Men who struggle with self-acceptance will swing from one extreme to the other without. They struggle to find a middle ground where they can simply be a small part of the greater whole.

Having self-esteem in extremes is not a helpful way to live. It’s not grounded in reality and it’s built on a false sense of self. You’re neither better than everyone else nor worse than everyone else. You reside somewhere in the middle, a human among other humans, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Importance of Building Self-Esteem

When you develop healthy self-esteem, you know exactly who you are, where you want to be, and what you want to do. This enables you to make better choices in every area of your life. It informs the direction you need to take so you can most efficiently and enjoyably arrive at your intended destination.

Having a clear idea of these three things allows you to make smarter decisions about who you spend time with and which activities you participate in. When you’re operating from a place of healthy self-esteem, you’ll surround yourself with people who understand you and do things that you like doing or will benefit you.

Part of fulfilling these long-term goals involves getting out of your comfort zone. You won’t be able to get out of your comfort zone if your self-esteem is low, though. This is another reason building self-esteem is so important. When you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re more likely to try new things, meet challenges, face your fears, address your insecurities, and more.

A strong sense of self-esteem is also crucial because it increases your resilience to the judgment or rejection of others. You aren’t concerned about what others think of you when you have a strong sense of self and a clear sense of where you’re going.

How to Start Building Self-Esteem

Now that you know why having a strong sense of self-esteem is so important, I’ll leave you with an exercise to practice building it. You might think it sounds silly but I need you to trust me on this one, brother.

Stand in your bedroom or living room, somewhere you can be on your own. Imagine there’s a circle drawn on the ground in front of you. Looking at that circle, call to mind all of the positive things you want to be, the happy feelings you want to feel, the best memories you can think of, and everything you hope for from life. Put the thought and energy of all those great things into that circle that sits on the floor before you.

Then I want you to physically step into that circle and allow the positive energy and image you created to surround you. Feel those incredible feelings and experiences merge with you. When you step into this circle you’re stepping into the new version of yourself. You may not feel it fully yet but you will notice a shift in your mental energy and well-being.

Once you practice this exercise at home you can begin bringing it with you anywhere you go. Imagine that circle is always right in front of you and you can step into it at any time. Then you can step out of it a stronger, more confident version of yourself.

I know, it might sound a bit woo-woo or out there. I want you to try it, though, without judgment. Once you do, head over to the Porn Reboot Facebook group and tell us about your experience with it. Let us know what your experience was and read about some of our other brothers’ experiences with the exercise. It’s a great first step toward building self-esteem as you begin incorporating other aspects of the Porn Reboot program.

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The Number One Thing Holding Christian Men Back

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The Number One Thing Holding Christian Men Back

Did you grow up in a Christian household or still consider yourself a Christian today?

I’ve found over the years that men who were raised in a religious household or are still a practicing Christian have trouble ending their out-of-control sexual behavior. It’s not impossible but these men do face a unique challenge.

I was indoctrinated into Christianity at a very early age. I’m not religious anymore but I was raised in a strict Catholic household. This meant praying every evening, saying the rosary, going to Catholic school, and attending mass every Sunday. I developed a very binary view of the world; something was either sinful or it was not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not out to attack Christianity. Just because it doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean that it can’t work for you. There are plenty of Christian brothers in the Porn Reboot program working to end their compulsive behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I do believe this gives me some insight into the particular struggles our Christian brothers have.

Christianity holds a very conservative view of sexual behavior and sexuality in general. Growing up I believed that sex was a bad thing because of all the rules surrounding it. I believed that having sexual relations with a woman outside of marriage meant I was doing something very, very wrong. Something sinful.

This concept of sin is a powerful idea and it’s something that leaves my Christian brothers conflicted. It holds them back subconsciously as they start the reboot process. They can accept the scientific parts of their out-of-control behavior but it’s almost impossible for them to let go of the idea that they’ve sinned.

When I was in my 20s I worked as a door-to-door salesman selling books for one of the leading publishers in the world. Our best-selling book was a high-quality study Bible. They included the Greek translations as well as a Latin and Greek dictionary to give readers deeper insight into the texts.

I spent much of my free time reading and studying the Bible during my time at that job. Admittedly, I didn’t study it because I was religious; I studied it because it was the primary product I sold. However, I did enjoy reading the Bible immensely, especially having the Greek translations alongside the verses.

As I read it, I came across the definition of the word sin. Sin is called “harmatia” in Greek, which means a tragic flaw. I’ve carried that definition of sin with me ever since because it makes perfect sense. If sin is a tragic flaw, something we need salvation from, that means sin is part of our nature. It means that we have something within us as men that we cannot outrun, escape, or deny.

This also implies that your compulsive behavior with pornography, sex, and masturbation is part of your intrinsic makeup. This is where my Christian brothers find themselves stuck. They develop the belief that something is inherently wrong with them because of this sinful nature. They believe they aren’t worthy of being loved because they cannot seem to control their sin.

The more I read that study Bible, though, the more I learned. Eventually, I realized that there was an even earlier definition for “harmatia”: to miss the mark. Sin isn’t some inherent tragic flaw in your makeup; it’s simply missing the mark. It’s falling short in some way but it also implies that you have another chance to hit the target.

Your struggle with porn addiction effects, sex, and masturbation doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Your compulsive behavior doesn’t make you a terrible person. Missing the mark doesn’t mean you’ll be a failure forever. It doesn’t mean you can’t change. All it means is that you make mistakes just like every other person in the world. That’s just part of being human.

I understand that Christianity frames the way you view the world. I know that reframing your idea of sin may feel like a challenge to your beliefs. But all I’m suggesting is that you’re no less worthy of love than anyone else because of your out-of-control behavior. You may have missed the mark but now you have the opportunity to take another shot.

The idea that you’re inherently flawed and not worthy of love will hold you back until you challenge it. It’ll keep you from moving forward and finding success in your reboot. But once you accept that you can maintain your Christian beliefs while also recognizing some of the burdens that your beliefs placed on you, you’ll step closer to freedom from your behavior.

You’ll find nothing in the porn addiction recovery program that runs contrary to your beliefs; in fact, you’ll likely find yourself capable of building a deeper connection with God once you clear away your out-of-control behavior. Once you overcome this roadblock, your path to a porn-free life and a stronger faith becomes clearer than ever before.

If you’re struggling to balance your Christian beliefs with your reboot, come join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. We have plenty of brothers who are both working through and have overcome their battles with self-loathing brought about by their Christian upbringing. You’ll find plenty of understanding and support to keep you from feeling like you have to struggle alone!

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I’m In Love With my Co-Worker

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I’m In Love With my Co-Worker

I have another question from a brother in one of our groups today that I want to share with you. He said:

“Brothers, I feel like I will end up slipping, if I’m not already slipping, because of a relationship I’m seeking. I got divorced almost three years ago. My ex-wife and I didn’t have any children. I went back to being single the way I was before getting married for a couple of months.

“Now I’ve developed an interest in one of my coworkers. She is much younger than I am, at least 15 years younger. She has already mentioned she’s in a relationship, but I’m still trying to reach out to her in different ways, given that this is work-related. I don’t want to end up in a situation that I’m going to regret. If you have any advice or suggestions I would appreciate it.”

I was the director of a large sales company for many years. I started at the company as a door-to-door salesman, moved up to a management position, and finally was promoted to the director role after a few years. During my time at the company, I maintained a very specific principle: never dip your pen in company ink. Meaning, don’t get involved with women at work.

I’ve always dissuaded employees, interns, and contractors from dating within the organization. Pursuing relationships in the workplace is almost never a good idea. It always comes with so much risk. There’s the loss of productivity, the risk of drama, and the possibility of being accused of harassment.

There are very few exceptions to this rule. In this day and age, separating romance from work is the best thing you can do. Now I want to break down different aspects of our brother’s question. It’s an important one because it’s something many of us consider. Despite the dangers that come with it, most of us spend a large part of our time at work. The idea is bound to come up at some point.

This brother starts by mentioning his fear of slipping. I’m guessing that his concern stems from the possibility of slipping to mitigate the pain of not being in a relationship, meaning the lack of intimacy. The pain of rejection from a coworker is also a possible trigger for a relapse.

He also points out that he went back to being single “the way he was before getting married” for a few months. I assume this means having casual sex with different kinds of women but not pursuing anything serious. While this can be fun for some time, it can also amplify the lack of intimacy and feelings of loneliness, especially after being married.

The woman in question also said she has a boyfriend. Now whether that’s true or not isn’t the point; the point is her saying that means she’s not interested. She made it clear that she doesn’t want to pursue anything with this brother of ours. His continued efforts may place him in the position to be accused of sexual harassment if he doesn’t let up.

There’s also the factor of the 15-year age gap. While I have nothing against age gaps so long as the woman is at least 18 years of age, there are still some concerns. Sure, she may be old enough to date but why would you want to run the risk of fulfilling the “creepy older guy” stereotype? Sometimes it doesn’t matter that she’s 18, 21, or even 25; she might just be too young to pursue.

Ultimately, there are thousands of other women in any area. There are so many options available; why only hold yourself back to the women you see yourself every day? Limiting yourself to seeking relationships in the workplace stems from a scarcity mindset. Get out there, start dating some different women, and realize that she’s not the only one.

Again, this brother is probably suffering and in some emotional pain because of his divorce. It sounds like he’s probably missing some of the intimacy he had with his wife. But seeking that intimacy through causal sex will never fill the void. Nor will pursuing women in the workplace. He needs to get out in the real world and start dating again to rebuild that lost sense of intimacy.

If you’re struggling with the same thing, brother, know that you’re not alone. I know you might think your situation is different and that pursuing this girl at work won’t be a problem, but trust me it will be eventually. Don’t limit yourself to women at work; get out there and start talking with the many different women around you.

In the meantime, join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know what you’re having a hard time with. Maybe it’s workplace romance, maybe it’s getting back into the dating game, maybe it’s simply starting your separation from porn addiction problem, sex, and masturbation. Whatever it is you’re working through there’s another brother dealing with the same thing. Follow our porn addiction recovery program and you never have to handle your difficulties alone; there’s a brotherhood waiting to support you here at Porn Reboot.

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7 Skills To Master When Dating During Your Reboot

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7 Skills To Master When Dating During Your Reboot

Learning to how to quit porn addiction, sex, and masturbation isn’t easy. It’s a big challenge after struggling with your behavior for years. But there’s something that might be an even greater challenge: dating during your reboot.

Years of porn addiction problem destroy your humanity and affect how you view women. It keeps you from building true, authentic, intimate relationships with the women you date. Learning to have healthy relationships after overcoming compulsive behaviors with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation can be difficult.

However, I’ve got some skills that you can master while dating during your reboot. These will get you on the right track as you start getting back out into the dating world. Take time to implement each of these skills into your life and I guarantee it will make a noticeable difference.

1. Starting and maintaining interesting conversations

Lots of men don’t know how to hold interesting conversations. We are logical creatures and can keep things very surface level. We don’t need to dive too deep into our conversations with other men because we don’t find it necessary. Shooting the breeze is good enough for us.

However, conversing with women is different. You can’t take the bad habits you have from conversing with other men (speaking too fast, keeping things too surface level, talking about yourself too much, etc.) and expect a woman to be interested. Talking to her in this way is a massive turn-off and she won’t want to stick around.

You must learn to have interesting conversations by asking the right questions, listening, and framing things in a funny way. You don’t have to be hilarious or exceptionally intelligent to have an interesting conversation. All you need to do is show some general interest in things outside yourself. Ask her questions about things that interest her and dig into her answers.

2. Demonstrate high social value

No woman wants to go out with a guy who is quiet and meek all the time. She’s interested in a man who holds his own, keeps his head up high, and interacts well with others. How do you interact with others when you’re out on a date? How do you converse with the server while you’re out to dinner? What do you do when someone approaches you on the street asking for money?

You shouldn’t talk about your high social value, you should show it. For example, confident men don’t need to parade around looking for assurance; they simply command it by the way they interact with people around them. Developing the ability to demonstrate high social value is crucial.

3. Ability to handle rejection

Dating is a numbers game, brother. You’re not going to land every single woman you talk to. You must get comfortable with being rejected. It shouldn’t be a big deal if a woman flakes on you or ghosts you. There’s no reason to get angry; it’s part of the game.

You must learn to handle rejection without having a big emotional response to it. The more you react when you experience rejection, the less interesting a woman will find you. The less you let it faze you, the better you will fare in the dating world.

4. Killer instinct

Killer instinct is a term I coined myself. It means learning to recognize when a woman is ready for you to make a move. When is it time to get her number? When is she ready for a kiss? When is it time to take her to your place? When is the time to initiate sex?

When you develop a killer instinct you’re no longer second-guessing yourself, you just know it’s time to make a move. You aren’t making them too early or waiting too long. Instead, when you have a killer instinct, you’re more forward and confident which makes you more attractive to women.

5. Developing stances and opinions

It’s in a woman’s nature to test a man’s opinions. She may test you by throwing out a statement to see if you’ll agree with her. She wants to see if you blindly agree with everything she says or if you have your own thoughts and opinions on matters.

Men who are afraid of having strong opinions or saying something contradictory are a turn-off to women. You’re not challenging her if you simply agree with everything she says. How is that interesting at all? Instead, develop your own stances and opinions and stick to them when a woman challenges your thoughts.

6. A sense of empathy

Just like dating isn’t the only thing going on in your life, dating shouldn’t be the only thing going on in her life either. You don’t want a woman who has no friends or hobbies because she won’t allow you the space and time to enjoy yours.

This means she won’t have a schedule that’s completely open and ready to spend time with you. This also means she may have things that come up. An empathetic man will understand that she has things outside of dating that are also important. He doesn’t take it personally if she isn’t able to meet up at the drop of a hat.

However, don’t confuse empathy with being a doormat, either. If she bails on you regularly or consistently doesn’t have the time you’re looking for, it’s time to move on.

7. The ability to end an interaction

You must know when and how to end a text message thread, a phone call, a date, or a relationship the moment she crosses the line of what you find appropriate. You should already have a solid set of values, standards, and boundaries in place before starting to date. Once she oversteps too many of these things, it’s time to end your interaction.

You should respect yourself enough to end the interaction when it no longer serves you. You shouldn’t hang around simply because you want some attention or want to get laid. Recognize that there are more women out there and get back in the game. Don’t sit around waiting on this one girl who has shown you that she isn’t worth your time.

These Are Only the Start

These skills are just some of the skills that will help you develop a confident air while dating. They are some of the primary things your behavior with porn and masturbation took away from you. And bringing them back into your life will make a massive difference when you begin dating again.

If you have any other ideas about necessary skills while dating during your reboot, come share them with the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’ll find plenty of brothers getting back into the dating game who you can learn from, and who you can share your tips with as well. Come join the conversation today!

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How to Stop Edging and Overcome Porn Addiction

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By Automation Agency Concierge

How to Stop Edging and Overcome Porn Addiction

I recently made a video talking about why edging is worse for your brain than masturbating. It led to a lot of dialogue in the Porn Reboot groups as brothers shared their experiences on how to stop porn addiction. Some understood my point while others seemed to miss it. One brother asked:

“If I find myself edging, would it be beneficial to add a time limit so I can prevent the brain damage it causes? At what point can I reverse course or am I already past the point of no return? Is it a good thing if my slip is of a lesser duration? Thanks for your thoughts.”

Unfortunately, this brother didn’t seem to understand what I was getting at with that video. I don’t believe that slips and edging are “bad things”. I’ve talked about this many times before. Viewing them as “bad” only attaches emotion to an event. They are neither good nor bad. Instead, I believe you should simply view these experiences as data.

When you don’t treat slips or edging as data you begin treating them as an obstacle instead. But what happens when you come up against an obstacle? You must stop it. And how do you stop internal obstacles? You deploy willpower.

However, willpower does not work when it comes to the reboot process. Trying to exert willpower against your out-of-control behavior only works against your biology. But if you continue labeling things as “bad”, you’ll continue struggling with a willpower-based approach to rebooting.

Here’s the thing, brother. If you find yourself edging as a way to avoid actually masturbating, there’s something else going on. There’s no point in just edging without finishing. If you’re already edging then you should just complete the job. There is no “reversing course”. The slip happens once you start the process.

Porn addiction, sex, and masturbation addiction is a behavioral addiction. You’re more addicted to the process of the experience than the orgasm itself. When you’re edging you’re still participating in part of the process. Looking for any other way around it is just looking for a way to justify your slip.

Instead of making excuses for your behavior, look at what caused it instead. Why did you get to a place where you felt the need to edge? Which area of your reboot capital is lacking? Are you bored? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you carrying out your morning reboot routine? Where are you going astray?

Once you understand where things are wrong, take action to fix them. Employ some of your tools and skills to strengthen the area that you’re struggling with. You’ll never stop edging if you don’t have the discipline and take the time to develop an awareness of your patterns and get to the bottom of the behavior.

Hold yourself accountable to your accountability partner or the group and get back on track. You don’t need to attach emotional words to objective experiences. The longer you continue that, the longer it will take to overcome your behavior.

If you’re still having trouble eliminating your behavior and don’t have an accountability partner yet, join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. Hundreds of men in the group understand the struggle and have experiences to learn from. You don’t need to deal with your compulsive behavior alone – there’s an entire brotherhood here to help.

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Porn Addiction Problem: Struggle With Intimacy

Porn Addiction Problems / By Automation Agency Concierge

Porn Addiction Problem: Struggle With Intimacy

I’ve noticed that men feel a sense of urgency to learn to be intimate with their partners as they progress through their reboot.

The years of porn addiction problems eroded their partner’s trust and made it increasingly difficult for them to open up. Developing intimacy is an important part of rebuilding that trust but how can you do that?

Just like your behavior destroyed your partner’s trust, it also affected your ability to be intimate. Before you can learn to rebuild intimacy with your partner you must learn why you struggle with intimacy in the first place. What is it that makes intimacy so difficult for men who are working through an out-of-control behavior?

1. You had no positive examples of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Even though I know my mom and dad loved each other, they never really demonstrated what a healthy relationship entailed. I watched them fight often. I saw him hit her sometimes. She hit him back, threw glasses, screamed. Neither of them provided an example of what a relationship should look like.

I know the same applies to lots of men in porn addiction counseling and our porn addiction recovery reboot program. Their parents didn’t serve as a good model of a healthy relationship. This might be the case for you, too. If you didn’t have a positive example of what a partnership should look like, you won’t inherently know how to build intimacy.

2. You experienced betrayal or inconsistent behavior from people you looked up to while younger.

When role models are absent or inconsistent during your developmental years it makes it difficult to learn how to build intimacy. You adopt negative views of people who are supposed to be taking care of you. Instead, you learn that depending on people leads to hurt and disappointment. You believe that people will never follow through on what they say they’ll do.

These betrayals and inconsistencies don’t create a strong foundation for building intimacy. Trust is a necessity for intimacy. If you can’t trust the people who are supposed to care for you, how can you possibly trust someone else? And if you can’t trust them, how can you build intimacy with them?

3. You believe that lying is the best way to avoid negative consequences.

There were times during my childhood when my parents punished me unjustly. Sometimes they hit me harder than they should have. Other times they were unnecessarily cruel. I didn’t understand why back then but looking back now it was likely because they were stressed out and exhausted. The last thing they wanted to do was deal with a kid who had made a mistake.

I soon learned to lie as a way to avoid those unfair punishments. It kept me somewhat safer while I was younger but it didn’t stay in my childhood. Unfortunately, that practice stuck with me through adolescence and into adulthood. It was easier to be dishonest and avoid discomfort than it was to tell the truth and deal with whatever the outcome was.

While lying may help you avoid those consequences, it’s not a useful practice to keep up as an adult. Eventually, you need to learn to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. This is especially important if you have any hope of building intimacy with your partner.

4. You experienced abandonment.

Abandonment is a painful feeling to experience as a child. Maybe your parents got divorced and one of them left without looking back. When you were let down by those who were supposed to care for you, it often leads to the narrative that everyone you care about will eventually leave.

If you still carry this belief as an adult it will make it impossible to build intimacy. You’ll always be half-in/half-out because you believe your partner will eventually leave you. You must learn to work through these old feelings of abandonment so you can build an intimate relationship.

5. You survived some form of abuse.

Abuse occurs in all forms, from mental and physical to spiritual and sexual abuse. Being a victim of abuse is never your fault no matter what you were told or how it may feel. Abuse destroys your ability to develop intimacy. It causes deep, lasting damage to the psyche and takes time to overcome.

Experiencing abuse at the hands of someone who says they love you teaches you to associate abuse with intimacy. This is particularly true if it happened while you were a young child. Learning to identify and remove yourself from people who exhibit abusive behaviors is challenging but necessary if you want to overcome your struggles with intimacy.

How to Build Intimacy

Once you understand why you struggle with intimacy, learning to build intimate connections is the next step. I’ll dive into this topic on another day because it deserves its own post. Building intimate connections with your partner is crucial, but understanding intimacy is also important for building fulfilling relationships in general. Unless you can learn to overcome the stumbling blocks above, as well as any others you may experience, you’ll continue having a difficult time building intimate relationships with others.

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