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10 Attributes You Need to Quit Pornography and Stay Quit

10 Attributes You Need to Quit Pornography and Stay Quit

I most often talk about rebooting in terms of rewiring your brain.

You have to rewire your brain if you want to be successful in your reboot. But pornography addiction affects far more than your brain chemistry and thought processes alone. Rebooting includes hitting the reset button on all the aspects of your life that your out-of-control sexual behavior affected.

Today I want to cover the ten attributes you need to be successful in your reboot. I’ve covered these things before but this list is a bit different than usual. I put it together because I often have a lot of men ask me how to determine whether they’re making progress in their reboot. They aren’t sure when they cross from early stages into later stages. They’re looking for changes to mark their progress by. So today I want to give that to you.

1. Values and Standards

Determining your values and standards is the first requirement for a successful reboot. You might think you have them already, but are they set in stone? Do you have them written down? Do you know what you’re willing to sacrifice for them? What are you willing to give up to adhere to your values and standards?

Think about it. When you experienced strong urges in the past, your values and standards would shift to accommodate whatever urges arose. They changed according to the circumstances that came up. The only values and standards you had up to this point were those that fulfilled your need for instant gratification. You need to have a solid understanding of your values and standards before you can ever be successful in your reboot.

2. Strong Boundaries

People often think about setting boundaries in terms of other people. They think it’s placing limits on who you spend time with or how you allow people to treat you. While this is an accurate understanding of boundaries, they also encompass more than that. You must set boundaries not only with the people you hang out with but with the places you go or activities you participate in. 

Let’s say you’re an individual who often relapses when you smoke weed or drink alcohol. There’s a very real possibility you may have to give up marijuana or alcohol if you want your reboot to be successful. But if you refuse to give these things up and set strong boundaries, you remain stuck in the reboot and relapse cycle until you’re ready.

3. Awareness

The next thing you need to be successful in your reboot is awareness. Not only self-awareness but a general awareness of both your emotions and feelings as well as the science behind this behavior. You should have emotional and intellectual awareness regarding your behavior with pornography. You also need a basic understanding of psychology, of things like trauma, unresolved issues, abandonment, and neglect.

This awareness allows you to simultaneously understand that your feelings and emotions are not only a result of things happening at the surface, but they’re also the result of neurochemical reactions in your brain. Having a deeper understanding and awareness of what’s going on in your brain makes it easier to deal with things as they arise.

4. Accountability

Accountability is a crucial part of every successful reboot. You can’t reboot in a vacuum; you need input from other men who have been where you are. Lots of men point to a lack of accountability when dissecting what happened before they relapsed. Avoid this pitfall by finding accountability partners early and stay in contact with them.

At the same time, you also need to be accountable to yourself. You’re a grown man. You shouldn’t have to rely on another grown man to remind you that your behavior is out of control. It’s good to have accountability partners to lean on when times are tough but at the end of the day, your ultimate goal is to be accountable to yourself.

5. Self-Discipline

I view self-discipline as having the ability to restrain and repress your instincts in favor of doing things that are beneficial to you in the long run. When you start your reboot, you’re going to have an extreme lack of self-discipline. You’ve operated on the principle of instant gratification for years. 

Your pornography use and compulsive sexual behavior damaged your prefrontal cortex. Over time you’re going to have to develop self-discipline. You don’t have to stress out about it, though. It will happen naturally as you follow the system and your brain rewires.

6. Patience

Patience doesn’t come easily to men who constantly succumb to instant gratification. If you want to be successful, though, you need to develop patience. You’re not going to feel a massive sudden shift. There are no quick fixes in learning how to stop porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. It takes time to reboot.

Sure, you can change some of your habits and lay a solid foundation in 90 days. But you won’t rewire your brain or change your entire lifestyle in that short period. It takes more than a year to create lasting change. You must be patient if you want to be successful in your reboot.

7. Open-Mindedness

Every man comes into the Porn Reboot program with preconceived notions. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your background is; everyone has a set of assumptions and ideas they need to break down. You have to be willing to let go of some of your false beliefs about what recovery should be.

There is no one path to recovery. As you go through your reboot, you’ll be exposed to things other than the Porn Reboot system. There are plenty of useful resources outside of our system that may help you along the way. Remain open-minded to alternatives while still understanding the need to stick to a system that works for you.

8. Truth

Porn addicts are liars. I don’t care who you are or how honest you believe yourself to be. Every porn addict is a liar. The act of hiding your behavior itself is a lie. Pornography addiction and compulsive behavior come with a lot of shame and guilt. So overcoming these behaviors means you must learn to be honest.

Even after you’ve gained control over your sexual behavior, you probably still have a tendency to lie. You must learn to tell the truth if you want to be successful in your reboot, not only to others but most importantly to yourself.

9. Love

There is nothing loving about pornography. Even the love involved in some of the fake storylines is empty. Pornography lacks intimacy and connection. Over time, consuming lots of porn, especially aggressive or violent porn, kills the love you have for your fellow human beings. How can you watch people being hurt then go tuck your kid into bed or tell your partner you love them?

Building up your capacity to love again is vital for a successful reboot. It won’t happen all at once. It needs to be worked on. It’s easier to work on when you come out of isolation, start speaking to others again, and connect with a community of people where love is already present, such as the Porn Reboot Facebook group.

10. Stoicism

All kinds of things will happen during your reboot. Life doesn’t take a pause because you decided to end your behavior with pornography. There will be ups and downs along the journey to controlling your behavior and rewiring your brain. You will have rough days, you’ll feel insulted, you’re going to reach breaking points at times. You must learn to get through these things without turning back to pornography.

Learning to be stoic is an incredible gift. It means you observe what’s happening in life without attaching to the events or assigning emotional meaning to them. You develop a calm within you as you face the world around you. I’m not suggesting that you have to become a perfect being of enlightenment but honing this quality will make you more successful in your reboot.

Determining Your Reboot Progress

How many of these attributes can you say you have? Maybe you’re successful with a few of them and are working your way toward the others. Write this list down and store it somewhere you can see it. It provides a good gauge for how you’re doing in your reboot and which areas you need to continue working on.

Rebooting is an ongoing process. There is no “end point”. A successful rebooter never ends his quest to better himself and the world around him. So where are you at in your reboot?

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Opportunity-induced Pornography Addiction

Opportunity-induced Pornography Addiction

Brother, addiction to pornography is a big problem in our society today. Many people are developing a pornography addiction as a result of easy access to pornographic content on the internet. It’s crucial to realize that not everyone who views pornography develops an addiction to it. Pornography addiction can occur for a number of reasons, but one of the most important causes is opportunity-induced addiction.

When someone develops a pornography addiction as a result of having easy access to pornographic content, this is known as opportunity-induced addiction. For those who struggle with poor self-control, unstable emotions, and humiliation, this is frequently the case. We shall delve into these three aspects of pornography addiction in more detail.


Low Self-Control

You’ve probably heard of self-control before. It’s the ability to regulate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals. However, some of us struggle with low self-control, and that can make us more vulnerable to addiction.

When it comes to pornography addiction, low self-control is a big factor. People who struggle with self-control are more likely to indulge in pornography when given the opportunity. They might not set any boundaries for themselves or have any moderation in their behavior. As a result, they can quickly become addicted to pornographic material.

If you find yourself struggling with self-control, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Many people struggle with this, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, it’s crucial to take steps to strengthen your self-control and prevent addiction.

One way to do this is to set clear boundaries for yourself around pornography use. Try to limit your viewing time and avoid using pornography when you’re feeling vulnerable or emotional. It’s also helpful to find alternative ways to cope with stress and negative emotions, such as exercise or meditation.


Emotional Instability

Emotions are a big part of being human. We all experience sadness, frustration, grief, loss, loneliness, or anger at some point in our lives. It’s important to have healthy ways to express and deal with these emotions. But sometimes, we might not know how to handle them in a healthy way, and that’s where emotional instability comes in.

People who struggle with emotional instability may not know how to express or deal with their emotions in a healthy way. They might bury their emotions and try to ignore them. This can lead to emotional distress and even mental health problems.

In some cases, people turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with their emotions. Pornography addiction is one of these coping mechanisms. When people experience negative emotions, they might turn to porn or other sexual activities to distract themselves from their emotions and feel better. Unfortunately, this can lead to addiction and make things worse in the long run.

That’s why it’s important to learn healthy ways to deal with our emotions. Talking to a therapist or Reboot coach can be a great way to start. They can help you identify your emotions and teach you healthy coping mechanisms to deal with them. Exercise, meditation, and spending time with loved ones are also great ways to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way.

Remember brother, emotional instability is a common factor in pornography addiction. By learning healthy ways to deal with our emotions, we can avoid falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms and addiction.



Shame is a difficult emotion to deal with, especially when it comes to addiction. It’s understandable why people turn to pornography to distract themselves from the shame they feel. But it’s important to remember that there are healthier ways to deal with shame.

One common cause of shame in pornography addiction is secrecy. When people keep secrets, it can create a pattern of behavior where they feel like they have to lead a double life. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness and shame. If you’re feeling ashamed of your addiction, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. There are resources available to help you overcome your addiction.

Another cause of shame in pornography addiction can come from discrimination. If you grew up in a household where your parents discriminated against certain groups of people, you may have internalized those beliefs. This can lead to shame if you find yourself attracted to someone outside of those beliefs. It’s important to challenge those beliefs and remind yourself that love knows no boundaries.

Shame can also come from past traumas or experiences, such as sexual abuse or assault. People who have experienced trauma may feel intense shame and guilt, even if they were not at fault for what happened to them. This shame can lead them to turn to pornography as a way to cope with their emotions and feelings of worthlessness.

In addition, shame can also arise from religious or cultural beliefs. Many religions and cultures view sexual activity outside of marriage or certain norms as sinful or shameful. Individuals who grew up in such environments may feel deep shame and guilt for engaging in pornography or other sexual activities, even if they do not necessarily believe it is wrong.

It’s important to recognize that shame is a complex emotion and can arise from many different factors. However, dealing with shame is an important step in overcoming pornography addiction. This can involve seeking therapy or counseling to address underlying issues and learning healthy ways to cope with difficult emotions.

By addressing the root causes of shame and developing healthy coping mechanisms, individuals can work towards breaking free from the cycle of addiction and living a happier, more fulfilling life.

Pornography addiction is a big problem, but understanding the causes of opportunity-induced addiction can help people take steps to prevent addiction and seek help if necessary. If you struggle with low self-control, emotional instability, or shame, it’s important to talk to someone about it. Addiction can be overcome, but it takes effort and support. Remember that you’re not alone, brother. There’s help available, and you can break free from addiction.

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Pornography is NOT the Problem

Pornography is NOT the Problem

I noticed something while reading some discussions in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group that I wanted to expound upon a bit. I realized that lots of brothers still blame pornography for the problems in their lives, some who are still in the early stages of their reboot, and others who have been around the program for a few months.

Some men were more overt about placing blame while others did it subconsciously and may not have noticed. Either way, these brothers are all wrong. Pornography is NOT the problem. You might think it is. After all, isn’t that why the Porn Reboot program exists in the first place? But it’s not. Pornography is not as powerful as you think it is.

Think about it. Pornography has existed for much longer than you can imagine. Porn came about as soon as men realized they were able to draw on cave walls. We have ancient dick art on the walls of caves that date back hundreds of centuries! You might think porn is the issue but millions of people watch it without responding to it the way we do. While the detrimental effects of porn are another conversation entirely, it still doesn’t have the same effects on others as it does on men with out-of-control sexual behavior.

If you still believe porn is the problem, you’ll keep yourself stuck in the cycle of porn addiction. It probably feels like an endless problem because you’ll see it everywhere if that’s what you’re focused on. Things shown in television programs are increasingly lewd, Hollywood can get away with more suggestive scenes in lower-rated films, and some social media posts are as close to porn as you can get. I’m not denying that temptations exist, brother. I’m fully aware of everything that’s out there. But so long as you continue believing that those temptations are the problem, you’ll continue acting out time and time again.

You’re looking at the wrong problem, brother. 

The problem is not pornography.

The problem is that you are using pornography to medicate.

It’s not the porn that keeps you trapped in the cycle. It’s the emotion that comes up right before you turn back to porn to keep yourself from feeling it. You can’t treat the problem when you still believe it exists outside yourself. The moment you stop treating pornography as the problem and recognize the problem for what it truly is is the moment you begin to reboot. 

Remember that we treat slips as data here at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not interested in porn so much as I’m interested in what led up to it. I don’t mean the conversation with your buddies at the bar either, the one that got your mind racing and led you to relapse the minute you got through your door at home. I’m interested in the in-between: what emotion did that conversation spark and what were you trying to medicate by watching porn and jerking off when you got home?

It’s not the porn, brother. Your buddies at the bar can go home and leave PornHub running on their TV without a second thought, but not you. And not me, either. We aren’t like those guys, but why? If it were the porn itself, your buddies wouldn’t be able to control themselves with porn on the TV in the living room. So why can’t we?

It’s the emotions we’re using porn to medicate.

You must recognize that the problem lies within yourself, not on PornHub or YouPorn or Instagram, or Hollywood movies. It’s not the women at the gym or women at work or women anywhere. 

It’s you. 

That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, though. It doesn’t mean you’re evil or pathetic or weak-willed. It simply means that you don’t respond to porn the way that other people do. But it also means that it’s your responsibility to find a way through. And it’s relieving to know that I’m the problem, not the porn because that means I am also the solution.

The same applies to you, brother. If you are the problem then you are also the solution. Your freedom from out-of-control sexual behavior doesn’t sit with any of the porn sites or social media or what women choose to wear. Your freedom from out-of-control behavior is within your power. It’s up to you to recognize that truth, take responsibility for it, and get into action.

It’s also relieving to know that you aren’t alone. You may feel like the only person in the world struggling with this problem, but if you were then the Porn Reboot program wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t have pages of blog posts, hundreds of YouTube videos, and millions of podcast downloads. The problem affects thousands more men than you, brother, and all it takes is a quick look in our free Facebook group to realize you are not alone.

I invite you to take responsibility for the real problem and to join us on the path to freedom from out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Once you accept that you’re the problem and recognize that you’re also the solution, you can only go up from there. Join us, brother, and find the freedom you’ve been searching for. It’s right here; all you have to do is join in.

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Medication for a High Sex Drive

Medication for a High Sex Drive

Some mental health professionals carry a dangerous belief that porn addiction is not a real condition. You may have experienced this at some point if you went to a mental health professional for help with your out-of-control behavior. Occasionally a therapist will suggest that your problem isn’t porn addiction but a high sex drive and encourage you to take medication for that problem.

Now as you read this, remember that I’m not a doctor and therefore cannot provide legitimate medical advice. I can only speak anecdotally about my experiences and the experiences of the men I’ve worked with over the years. At the same time, a lot of therapists who recommend medication aren’t doctors and cannot provide prescriptions, either. They also don’t have the same level of knowledge about and experience with pornography addiction. So keep these things in mind.

This recently happened to a brother in our group and he brought up a great question. He said, 

“My counselor says that I have an exceptionally high libido that interferes with my life, and recommends that I see someone for medication to lower it. I used to take Wellbutrin to help with impulse control but stopped taking it a while ago. Is anyone in the group doing this along with their reboot, or does anyone have experience with taking medication specifically to help you control your behavior?”

Before I dive into my response, I want to share an incredible response from another brother in the group. He responded before I had a chance to and provided an incredibly well-thought-out answer. He replied,

“I also have an exceptional libido, but libido itself has never been the issue for me. Rather, the issue has been my refusal to feel what I feel and know what I know, and my pattern of using sexual indulgence to escape my own experience. Temporarily taking medication or supplements to reduce libido may help you out of a crisis and through withdrawals, but I recommend against them as a long-term strategy of self-control. 

“My ultimate objective is the integration of my libido and my integrity without suppression or indulgence. I personally experienced a dramatic reduction in libido for several weeks after minor surgery, and I haven’t noticed anything else in my life that obviously reduced libido.”

I believe this brother hit the nail on the head. Regardless of the “cause” of your out-of-control behavior, I don’t believe that medication is a long-term solution for anything. In my experience, medication often serves as a bandage rather than a true method of healing. It covers up the problem for a short time but eventually, you need to deal with the true source of the issue.

People who take medication for long periods typically become dependent on it. If you choose to take medication for a “high sex drive”, there’s a chance that you’ll eventually have to deal not only with your out-of-control behavior but also with getting off of that medication.

I noticed another red flag in our brother’s original question. He mentioned that his counselor jumped straight from diagnosing him with a high sex drive to offering medication. If this is truly how the process played out, that therapist missed a lot of opportunities to consider and address other important factors at play when it comes to compulsive sexual behaviors.

I’ve found that many therapists don’t truly understand how porn addiction works. While some take the time to learn about the reality of the condition, many dismiss it as not a “real” problem. Occasionally brothers find themselves under the care of these dismissive therapists and that’s a dangerous place to be. These therapists aren’t familiar with the complexities of out-of-control sexual behavior and often neglect to consider alternatives to medications.

They likely don’t understand the importance of anchoring your day. They probably don’t encourage you to find an accountability partner. They might work with you on developing emotional awareness or boundaries, but not through the lens of compulsive sexual behavior. They often don’t understand factors like time of day or specific environmental triggers either. They just want to stick you on medication and call it a day.

Another thing to think about is therapists who suggest that porn addiction is really a high sex drive often neglect to take a blood work panel before recommending medication. How can they possibly know the cause of your supposed high sex drive if they don’t have any data or numbers to back it up? I always recommend taking a blood work panel before making any decisions like that.

I don’t want this to turn into an anti-medication rant. I’m not at all anti-medication; in fact, I think it’s a helpful tool in certain situations. But I do not believe that medication is an effective long-term solution, especially for brothers struggling with compulsive sexual behavior. I think there are many alternatives that therapists and doctors often neglect to recommend before jumping straight to medication.

I think there is a checklist you should run through before deciding to take medication for your compulsive sexual behavior. First, determine whether your therapist is knowledgeable about porn addiction in the first place. Second, get a blood work panel and find out what your total testosterone and free testosterone levels are. Third, identify whether there is any childhood trauma at play that may fuel your behavior. And finally, after checking all of these boxes you can make an informed decision about whether a short-term medication plan is right for you.

I know medication wasn’t necessary for my situation and it often isn’t for the brothers that I work with. We learn to control our out-of-control behaviors by working with our biology to rewire our brains. We don’t need to use medication as a crutch; we lean on each other during tough times and lift one another when we’re on an upswing.

The Porn Reboot program is designed specifically to help you end your out-of-control sexual behavior. We don’t push meds, therapy, or psychiatry on you, nor are we opposed to using those tools when they’re necessary. We simply encourage you to identify the approach that works best for you and take the appropriate action to end your behavior with porn for good.

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5 Tips For Dating During Your Reboot

At some point during the reboot process, single brothers in the Porn Reboot program are going to begin dating.

Some methods for overcoming porn addiction have you holding your seed and abstaining from intimacy for long periods. I disagree with that, though. I believe that having an outlet for your romantic and intimate needs is a very normal, healthy progression. 

It’s not good for you to hold yourself back from intimacy or connection with the women around you. That’s a one-way ticket to sexual repression which is another serious problem. Learning to date in a healthy way during your reboot is a vital part of the process. You need to begin working on building relationships with women in a positive way.

Now if you’re a single man who’s been focused strictly on his reboot for months, getting into the dating game probably makes you feel a bit nervous. Dating in today’s world does come with its challenges and you might find yourself in a tough situation. If you’re early in your reboot, you might have no idea how to have a normal conversation with the opposite sex.

Don’t worry, no matter how extreme your out-of-control behavior is, you’re never too far gone. You can rebuild an amazing and active sex and dating life regardless of how far your behavior progressed. It will take some work but that’s what the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is here to do. So, how can you get back to dating during your reboot?

1. Figure out whether you’re ready to date

In my experience, I recommend that a man has his behavior under control for at least 6 to 12 months before beginning to date. During that time you should be actively working on bettering yourself, not just using willpower to keep your behavior at bay

You should have different areas of your reboot capital built up, should be aware of your triggers, and should have strong boundaries in place. These are things that take a few months to set up, not a few weeks. If these things aren’t in place, you aren’t ready to date.

2. Put together a dating plan

Once you decide that you’re ready to date, you should approach dating like you do other major life changes during your reboot: with a plan. Of course, different men’s plans will vary according to their lifestyle and what they want. But having a plan in place for your particular situation, lifestyle, and wants will help you out.

Where will you find your potential dates? How often should you see them before having sex? What will you do to reflect on your dates and determine whether this person is someone you actually want to continue seeing? And who will be your accountability partner or partners during the dating process?

3. Date without expectations

Building up expectations for your dates puts you on the fast track to disappointment and letdown. That’s not to say every date you go on will be miserable, but it’s also a reminder that not every date will be something you’re interested in. Keeping a hold of your emotional balance is critical and dating without expectations is an important way to do that.

Take time to get to know the women you’re dating. Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk. Slow things down and take the weeks or months needed to determine whether this woman is someone you’re actually interested in.

4. The dating process is not about sex, nor strictly about finding a partner

I know this might sound counterintuitive but trust me on this one. Early in your reboot, the main point of dating is to go out and literally practice meeting people. If you’ve struggled with porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior for years, you’re going to need that practice.

Go out and have a good time with some different women. Observe how you react emotionally during the process. Be honest with yourself when reflecting on the experience after you get home. You might even find out that you’re not quite ready for dating yet. You’re simply on a fact-finding mission at this point.

5. Have some standards

In the past, you probably would have slept with anyone who gave you the time of day. You weren’t very concerned about the types of women you were with, you only cared about whether you could score at the end of the night. Now that you’re rebooting, though, it’s a different story.

Today you need to have standards, brother. Once you drop your focus on sex, you begin to notice how uninteresting many of the women you saw before were. You’re much less interested in interacting with toxic women. You can begin to determine how you’d like to be treated and find a woman who meets those needs. 

Get Some Support Along the Way

One of the most important things to keep in mind is you shouldn’t head into dating alone. Trying to manage your dating life during your reboot without any support is a disaster waiting to happen. Get yourself in the middle of a group of men, like we have in the Porn Reboot Facebook group, who know exactly what you’re going through. 

The more you surround yourself with support, the better your experience will be. You’ll have men who you can talk to when you’re having a difficult time with dating or you feel like you’re at risk of slipping. Dating during your reboot doesn’t have to be an impossible feat, brother. It’s a natural part of life and you can do it with the right support and approach!

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