Today I’m bringing you another question from a brother in the group. He said:
“Hey, J.K., as I continue to improve for my reboot, I notice that I go about my days doing work, studying for certifications, and looking for entertainment options, but I realized that I don’t have a consistent, fulfilling hobby that I’m good at.
Sometimes I think I’m not good at anything or that I can’t do anything special. I know you’ve talked about having a purpose as being a luxury, but what is your take on how to discover hobbies or interests? Is it better to focus on controlling my behavior and sticking with things that feel boring or mundane for the time being? Or do you recommend seeking out hobbies?”
If you’re struggling with an out-of-control sexual behavior or porn addiction, chances are some parts of your life are suffering. Maybe your marriage is failing, your career is backsliding, or your friendships are nonexistent. There are at least one or two things that drove you to finally address your compulsive behavior.
This means your reboot should consume most of your attention, time, and energy. Managing your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation must take the front seat if you truly want to change your life. You can’t address these difficulties in your life if you don’t dedicate yourself to fixing the thing that’s causing them.
At the same time, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any fun, either. The Porn Reboot system is a structured approach to controlling your behavior but it doesn’t mean that you have to live a miserable life after learning how to stop porn addiction. If life were boring and unfulfilling without porn, men would never be able to leave their compulsive behaviors behind.
You can find endless amounts of excitement and fulfillment in a porn-free life. It’s not a dull, unbearable way to go through life. In fact, cutting porn out of your life allows you to reconnect and re-engage with life in a way you haven’t been able to for years.
I fully support you going out and finding hobbies you enjoy. Although your reboot always needs to come first, there is plenty of time in your day outside of your reboot routine and activities that you can fill with interests and hobbies.
I’m sure you have some things you enjoyed before you sunk into an ever-worsening cycle of porn addiction. You had hobbies as a teenager or young adult that you enjoyed. Start by getting back into some of these things. Join an adult sports league in your community or find a local meetup for outdoor activities you loved in the past.
If you can’t think of any past hobbies you enjoyed, use your spare time as an opportunity to explore all the possibilities available to you. Think of things you always considered trying but never found the time to get around to doing. Maybe you’ve wanted to run a Spartan race, try your hand at an open mic, or take cooking classes at a local community college. You have the freedom to try these things today – make use of it!
I believe having a hobby helps immensely during the reboot process. When you quit using porn and masturbating multiple times throughout the day you’ll find that there’s likely a lot of time to fill. Your addiction consumed much of your days, nights, weeks, and months; take that time back and use it to your advantage now.
If you need some ideas for hobbies to try out or to share your hobbies with some of the porn addiction recovery brothers, check out our free Facebook group. Let us know what you’ve been doing with all your spare time and find some brothers who share the same interests and hobbies. Or maybe you’ll find an activity you never thought of trying before. Come and join us today!
Today is the final day of our small series on the concept of reboot capital. Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
The final part of our reboot capital series is about physical reboot capital. Physical reboot capital refers to your brain and your body. Spending years trapped in a cycle of porn addiction takes an incredible toll on your physical wellbeing. Exercise, nutrition, and sleep often fall to the wayside in favor of acting out in your behaviors.
When you first arrive at the Porn Reboot program, your biological functioning is worn out. It’s no wonder you feel awful when you first decide to quit your compulsive behaviors. You’ve overloaded your brain with dopamine and deprived your body of the things it needs to perform well. You need a massive physical overhaul. This is where building physical reboot capital becomes a necessity.
Exercise
The first step to optimizing your physical well-being by building reboot capital is through physical activity. Moving your body is a vital part of your physical and mental health. In the beginning, you should aim for 30 minutes of moderate exercise per day. The type of exercise doesn’t matter as much as the simple act of movement. Some ways to get started include:
Walking
Running
Weightlifting
Swimming
Yoga
Hiking
You might not be interested in physical activity, brother, but it’s crucial for your porn addiction recovery – Reboot Program. It’s a very serious priority in my life. Exercise enhances your brain and body’s abilities. It improves functioning, increases focus, decreases negative emotions, and more. Remember, you’re rewiring your brain. Physical exercise is the perfect way to naturally kick-start the process.
Once you build the habit of exercising for 30 minutes each day, start increasing the amount of time. Change up the forms of exercise you incorporate. I prefer weightlifting and some endurance exercises. You might find you enjoy other forms of movement. Whatever your preferences are, though, get yourself moving.
Nutrition
The next part of building physical reboot capital is nutrition. You’ve probably heard the phrase “food is fuel” before and it’s true. The foods you eat have a direct impact on how well you perform. Junk food destroys your capabilities. Whole foods empower you to function optimally.
When porn, sex, and masturbation consume all your time and energy you’re likely seriously neglecting your nutrition. You probably aren’t making home-cooked meals or paying attention to the composition of your food. Instead, you’re probably grabbing some fast food or neglecting to eat much at all because you’re distracted and busy.
You may also struggle with mindless, emotional, or boredom eating. Many people turn to food for comfort for a variety of reasons. If you find yourself eating for any of these reasons, you need to reconsider your eating habits and relationship with food, too.
Building physical reboot capital in regards to nutrition starts with learning the basics about food. Do you know what you’re putting into your body? Find out what macronutrients are, the basic building blocks of food. Start learning about the differences between whole foods and processed foods. The more you understand about the foods you eat the more informed your choices will be.
Once you have a basic understanding of nutrition, start rebuilding your diet. While there’s nothing wrong with going out to eat now and then, it shouldn’t be your primary source of nutrition. Instead, base your diet around healthy, whole foods like meat, fish, vegetables, fruit, oats, eggs, rice, potatoes, and beans. Make sure you eat enough protein every day. Don’t neglect the necessity of beneficial carbs. Keep fats in your diet because they’re important.
It won’t take long for you to notice how much of an impact a healthy diet has. You’ll sleep better, it’s easier to concentrate, your exercise performance skyrockets, and you’ll wonder how you ever got by on a poor diet before. Your mindset shifts entirely when you begin to focus on what you use to fuel your body!
Alcohol, Nicotine, and Drugs
Alcohol, nicotine, and drugs are substances that often accompany a porn- and sex-addicted lifestyle. These things help you numb yourself to the reality of your condition and keep you from thinking about where your life has ended up. Reconsidering your relationship with substances is another way to build physical reboot capital.
While you may or may not suffer with a substance abuse problem, cutting back on or eliminating alcohol, nicotine, and drugs is a good idea at the start of your reboot. Many men find they’re more likely to slip or relapse while they’re under the influence. Their inhibitions are lowered and they’re far more willing to do things they may not do while sober.
Also, substance abuse problems aside, alcohol, nicotine, and drugs truly add nothing to your life. Sure, it’s fun to have a beer with your friends while watching the game or to head out for drinks after a long day at the office. But when you consider everything else that follows, is it really worth it?
All these substances wreak havoc on your physical and mental wellbeing, especially when done in excess. If you find you have little control of your substance intake it may be best to leave them behind during the start of your reboot.
Building Reboot Capital
We’ve reached the end of our reboot capital series. Hopefully, it gave you a deeper understanding of the importance of building reboot capital and some ideas for getting started. I now recommend joining our free Facebook group if you haven’t already. Connect with some brothers who seek help in our porn addiction counseling sessions and talk about which areas you’re actively working on. If you’re struggling in a specific area you’ll find a brother who can help you through it.
No matter where you’re at in your reboot you never have to go through the process alone. There are so many brothers available to help you in the areas you have a hard time with. You can also find some strength and purpose in helping another brother who’s experiencing difficulty in an area you’re strong in.
Finding freedom from your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is only the beginning. The Porn Reboot program helps you build a life far beyond what you ever imagined possible. Building reboot capital is an important part of that process. You’re capable of so much more than you realize, brother, and you’re well on the way to discovering it.
Scientists have discovered a revolutionary new treatment that makes you live longer.
It enhances your memory and makes you more creative. It makes you look more attractive. It keeps you slim and lowers your food cravings. It protects you from cancer and dementia. It wards off colds and the flu. It lowers your risk of heart attacks, stroke, and diabetes. It even helps you feel happier, less depressed, less anxious.
Are you interested in this incredible treatment?
It’s called going to sleep.
Jokes aside, brother, sleep is vital for every aspect of your well-being. In the United States, studies estimate that we get about 6 hours of sleep per night. Most adults report struggling to get 8 to 9 hours of our recommended uninterrupted sleep. But dedicating some time to ensuring good sleep hygiene is crucial for the success of your reboot.
How Sleep Affects Your Performance
The quality of your sleep determines the quality of your life. Sleep affects the physical shape you’re in, including muscle growth and how much fat you store. Poor sleep increases cortisol and decreases growth hormones, testosterone levels, thyroid hormones, and lectin. It affects your decision-making skills, productivity, focus, impulse control, and more.
Sleep also impacts your emotional well-being. When you’re sleep-deprived you’re more likely to be much more irritable and much less patient. You’re quicker to frustration and anger, and you’re less willing to hear out the other side of a conversation. Small stressors can easily become massive catalysts for emotional explosions when you don’t get enough sleep.
If that isn’t enough, sleep quality also affects your intelligence. Not getting enough sleep makes it harder to learn new things. You have a difficult time processing learned information and, thus, retaining new information. Your short-term memory suffers which also means your long-term memory struggles.
But getting good sleep can be a real challenge when you struggle with compulsive sexual behavior. You likely spend most of the night engaged in whichever behavior you prefer, be it porn, sex, masturbation, or whatever else. However, you can’t sacrifice your daytime responsibilities, either, so that likely means you’re operating on very few hours of sleep at any given time.
Tips To Get Good Sleep
When I struggled with my compulsive sexual behavior I tried all the sleep hacks there were. I did everything I could to function as well as possible on as little sleep as possible. But extensive research, as well as my own experience, shows that sleep hacks are not a long-term solution if you want to feel great and perform your best.
Still, I thought I was doing alright. I thought 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night was great. I didn’t realize that I was sleep-deprived. I was so used to operating at this sub-optimal level that I had no idea what I was missing out on. My lower energy levels, reduced performance, increased stress, and irritability was my normal for so long.
If you’re getting this much sleep then you’re probably in the same position whether you realize it or not. I had no idea how poorly I was performing until years later when I finally got my sleep schedule back on track. However, getting good sleep at the start of your reboot can be a real challenge. I’ve got a few tips you can try to get your sleep back on track.
1. Get sunlight in the morning.
Get outside and get some sun first thing in the morning. Try to spend at least 20 to 30 minutes in the sun in the morning, and about an hour total throughout the day. You may live somewhere like me where it isn’t sunny every day during the year, especially areas where it rains or snows frequently. So it’s even more important that you get sunlight in when you can.
2. Turn your screens off.
If you’re anything like the majority of the country, you probably fall asleep while scrolling social media or watching Netflix. This is the worst thing you can do, though. All that bright light is detrimental to your sleep quality. Try to turn your screens off at least two hours before bed. Use a pen and paper if you need to make a note of something and occupy yourself with books to wind down in the evening.
3. Your room is for sleeping and sex.
Limit the activities in your room to two things: sleeping and sex. Don’t eat in your room, don’t watch TV in your room, don’t play video games in your room. You shouldn’t have a television or computer in there, either. Bringing different activities into your bedroom makes it harder to get good sleep at night.
4. Keep your room as dark as possible.
You want your room to be as dark as possible when you’re sleeping and even during the day. Blackout curtains are a great tool to use. Take all the chargers and electronics that emit flashing lights out of your room. Limit the lights to an overhead light or a lamp with a soft glow. If you can’t keep your room this dark, consider buying a good eye mask.
5. Move workouts to earlier in the day.
Working out too close to bedtime can make it harder to get to sleep. This is especially true if you’re consuming stimulant-laden pre-workouts. Guys who go to the gym after work and take pre-workout at 5 or 6 PM find themselves wondering why they can’t fall asleep. Elevating your hormones and combining that with stimulants makes it harder to get good sleep.
6. Leave your phone outside your bedroom.
Charging your phone next to your bed makes it far more tempting to pick it up and check it before you go to sleep or first thing in the morning. It also makes it harder to avoid temptations to scroll through risky websites and apps, or even to completely relapse. Charge your phone in your kitchen or living room instead to keep the temptation at bay.
7. Get a good mattress.
Having a low-quality mattress can lead to getting poor-quality sleep. You spend almost a third of your life in bed so invest in a good mattress. Fighting against an uncomfortable bed will make it hard to sleep well. It’s much easier to get good, uninterrupted sleep when you have a comfortable mattress that’s tuned to your preferences.
8. Set aside some time to unwind before going to sleep.
Trying to go to sleep straight from the gym or work will keep you from getting good sleep. Your cortisol levels are still too elevated if you don’t give yourself some time to relax and unwind. It’s important to set aside some time at night away from your phone and computer to de-stress before you go to sleep. Read a book, do a word puzzle, write in a journal, or practice meditation before you lay down in bed.
9. Take a hot shower before getting in bed.
Taking a hot shower or bath before bed is a great way to calm down and unwind before trying to fall asleep. It also decreases your internal body temperature which can help you fall asleep faster once you lay down.
10. Consider sleep trackers.
There are hundreds of gadgets and apps available that help you track your sleep. Understanding how long it takes you to fall asleep, how much time you spend in the REM sleep stages, and how much time you spend in deep sleep can help you adjust your daytime approaches to getting better sleep. Avoid using one directly on your phone, though, so you can continue storing it outside your room.
The Benefits of Good Sleep
Once you take control of your sleep schedule the benefits are undeniable. You’ll feel more attentive, focused, calm, collected, and present throughout the day. You’ll perform better physically and mentally. You’re going to be a better partner, colleague, and father. And you’ll feel far less tempted to slip than you do when you get poor sleep.
Taking time to ensure good sleep hygiene is crucial for men in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program. It isn’t easy at first but it’s well worth the work that it takes. Until you get your sleep on track, you have no idea what you’re missing. Trust me, brother; this one is worth investing in.
If you’re a high-performing, successful individual who struggles with out-of-control behavior with porn or masturbation, you likely have certain character traits that interfere with a successful reboot. I say this after years of working with men in your exact position whom I’ve had to help through these same struggles.
Over the last few weeks, I wrote a series on the importance of building reboot capital in five areas of your life. If you haven’t read those yet, I suggest going back and reading the past six or so posts. They are a vital part of your success in the porn addiction recovery program. Much like a startup needs capital to be successful, you need capital to be successful in your reboot.
In the same way, a new business needs to build capital, they also need to limit liabilities. When it comes to your reboot, liabilities are these difficult personality traits that hold you back. Eliminating these is just as important as building strengths in other areas.
Self-defeating behaviors are ways of thinking and acting that develop into habits over time. They have become part of your subconscious behaviors that you act out automatically. When ending an out-of-control sexual behavior you must change your habits before you can change your lifestyle. A strong set of healthy habits are the building blocks you need to create a strong foundation in your reboot.
Even if you do quit porn and masturbation before addressing your self-defeating habits they’ll continue affecting you after you eliminate your out-of-control behavior. These traits hold you back in each area where you need to build capital: spiritual, mental, emotional, social, and physical.
I’ll break down a few of the most common traits I’ve noticed in the men I work with over the years. Which of these habits and traits apply to you?
Caretakers
Caretakers care for others and consider their needs to the point that they depend on them. The caretaker’s self-esteem is based on how much he can do for other people. Unfortunately, this keeps him from ever learning how to care for himself, though, because he’s so focused on others. He also uses this habit as a way to shirk responsibility for his poor behavior.
A caretaker always needs someone dependent around them. Their self-worth hinges upon having someone to take care of. If they cannot find someone dependent then they’ll create the problem in someone around them.
At their lowest points, caretakers feel like they’re being used. It seems like everyone around them is taking advantage of their kind and caring natures. However, your behaviors are self-serving and caretakers rely on people depending on them as much as the dependent people rely on the caretaker.
The first step to stop being a caretaker is to develop a sense of self. You won’t need to seek validation or find purpose in caring for others once you have an understanding of yourself. Next, you must let people take responsibility for their actions. Stop trying to play God; allow things to play out without interfering.
People Pleasers
People-pleasing is the next challenging personality trait when it comes to rebooting. People pleasers base their thoughts and actions around making sure to not upset anyone. These men never want to step out of line, rock the boat, or hurt people’s feelings. They fear that upsetting someone will lead to rejection and abandonment.
People pleasers struggle to build happy, fulfilling relationships because their engagements with others are built on lies. They may not see what they’re doing as lying but dishonesty is the essence of people-pleasing behavior. It’s denying your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs to avoid problems with those around you.
Over time, men who struggle with people-pleasing behaviors build resentment toward everyone around them. They become angry but never express it because it goes against their people-pleasing tendencies. This is a recipe for disaster, though, and these men eventually reach a breaking point.
Like caretaking, eliminating people-pleasing behavior starts with developing a strong sense of self. As you have a better understanding of who you are you’ll feel less inclined to worry about how others feel about you. You’ll notice less frustration with others and more enjoyable relationships when you stop living to please others.
Martyrs
The traditional definition of a martyr is a person who is killed for their faith or beliefs. In the present-day context, though, a martyr suffers in more of a metaphorical sense. They believe life is supposed to be a struggle and operate accordingly. Nothing can ever be fully enjoyed because there’s always an underlying sense of deep pain.
Life is what you believe it to be so if you believe it’s a struggle then it will become one. This self-sacrificial behavior causes men to sabotage their relationships with others. They’re constantly carrying out these self-defeating actions that hold them back from truly experiencing the joy of life.
The solution to martyrdom is to stop viewing life as a vale of tears. Sure, bad things happen. That’s life. But it’s not something to be torturously endured. It’s something to be enjoyed. Cut the negativity and find some happiness in your life if you want to be successful in your reboot.
Workaholics
Workaholics are one of the most common types of men who join the Porn Reboot program. Men who struggle with workaholism base their self-esteem on their productivity. They put work in front of everything else in their life. It’s difficult for these men to relax because they feel they need to be “on” and performing at all times.
I also notice that workaholics try to compensate for the overwhelming shame caused by their out-of-control behavior through productivity at work. They can’t seem to control their behavior with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation so they overcompensate by controlling their work performance.
However, workaholism is only going to derail your reboot. Basing your self-esteem around your productivity and performance is a short-sighted way to live. You can’t build a fulfilling life when your entire focus is on your career.
You can overcome a workaholic mentality by learning to detach your self-worth from your job. Your job is only one part of your life. Building up reboot capital in other areas of your life will help you separate from your career as the only positive in your life. As you separate from your out-of-control behavior and strengthen these other areas, your work won’t be the only thing to be proud of.
Overcoming Challenging Traits
Overcoming these and other challenging traits is a key part of the reboot process. You may make some progress but won’t move very far if you can’t get a handle on them. The Porn Reboot program involves ridding yourself of these traits with the help of our system.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process or wondering whether it’s really possible? You’re far from alone. Many men feel they’ll never reach the point of freedom from their negative traits. I was the same way when I First ended my behavior with porn and masturbation, too. But I promise you, brother, it’s possible. You don’t have to do it alone, either; you have brothers waiting to support you each step of the way.
Today’s topic comes from a brother’s question in the Porn Reboot group.
“Hey J.K., I have a question about how we share our experience in this group. I often find myself trying to explain the goals and benefits of this program without pushing them to sign up. I find some people to be pretty open-minded about what we do here but others seem to think that what I do for my reboot is excessive or even unhealthy.
“I reflect on this in my journaling, knowing that what I do is beneficial for me so it shouldn’t matter what others think. But I still sometimes find myself feeling threatened by their judgment. Do you have any tips for people who find themselves prone to insecurity caused by the judgment from their close friends?”
This is a great question because a lot of men who embark on the reboot process fall off because of the opinions of others in their life. Sometimes it’s a man whose wife thinks he’s being a little too open and vulnerable with men she sees as strangers. She would rather him talk with their pastor or a local therapist instead of work with the porn addiction recovery group.
Other times it is friends who insist that putting aside time for a reboot routine every day is too much to ask. Every man in the Porn Reboot program has a routine that consists of some combination of meditation, journaling, and reading but this is too big of a commitment in some people’s eyes. They think it’s too regimented and think you could find an easier way to accomplish the task.
Ultimately, it’s normal to experience some resistance from those around you whenever you embark on a significant path of change in your life. Oftentimes your moving forward exposes others’ unwillingness to do the same. They want to maintain the status quo and feel bad when they see you progressing.
These people try to take you down a notch as you make these positive changes. There are plenty of phrases that describe the phenomenon, too: “tall poppy syndrome” or “crabs in a barrel.” This is because it’s human nature to feel threatened when others around you are leveling up in life. People tend to bring you down instead of rising alongside you.
They Judged Me, Too
When I was 20, I realized I was a complete loser that was headed for internal destruction if I didn’t make a change. I was lazy, failing out of college, had horribly low self-esteem, and wasn’t sure I was going to survive to see 30.
I didn’t want to see my life end tragically so I decided I was going to transform every aspect of my life. Everyone who knew me, my friends and family, all of them thought I was insane. They all hassled me whenever I made another positive change.
I started lifting weights at the gym and my family told me I wasn’t built to be a buff guy, that I didn’t have the genetics for it. I started a door-to-door sales job to overcome my introversion and my friends insisted I wasn’t cut out for the job.
I didn’t let their judgment bring me down, though. I stuck with my convictions and made a massive transformation in my life. Over time, I became stronger and looked better. I worked through my fear of talking to people and became one of the best salesmen at that company.
Despite my successes, people still gave me a hard time as I continued pushing myself to grow more. When I decided to leave my career and start the porn addiction counseling which is the Porn Reboot program, friends and family tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I was going to forever be the “porn guy” because of the power of internet search engines.
I kept pushing forward, though, and today I help hundreds of men overcome their pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior every year. The work we do here at Porn Reboot is saving lives, saving relationships, saving careers, saving families, and none of it would have been possible if I would have listened to the naysayers when I was in my 20s.
Pushing Through the Judgment
At the end of the day, judgment is part of human nature. It’s natural for people to question you when you decide to make a significant change. Part of it is the threat that comes from your growth but another is genuine concern for your wellbeing. Your loved ones don’t want you to make bad decisions. More often than not they truly care for you.
But you must continue with what you know to be true for you. If you’re facing judgment because of your reboot, trust that it will pay off in the end. Their judgment will mean nothing once you’ve gained control over your behavior with porn addiction problems and masturbation. Nothing can replicate the feeling of overcoming that which has dictated your life for years.
It won’t always be easy to push through the judgment but it will be worth it when porn and masturbation no longer threaten everything important to you. The time your daily routine takes is nothing compared to the time your porn addiction took from you.
If you face extensive judgment from those closest to you, lean into the Porn Reboot group. Our free Facebook group is filled with men who understand what it means to be controlled by porn and compulsive sexual behavior. They recognize the extent we need to go to so we can live normal lives. They will offer support when you feel like you have none from the people in your life. You don’t have to deal with the struggle alone, brother. We’re here for
Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital.
Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
Today I want to kick off our reboot capital series with the spiritual aspect of life. I find this area is difficult for many men in the program to come to terms with. The term “spiritual” brings to mind a certain idea of a specific brand of spirituality, one that makes lots of people bristle with discomfort and antagonism.
I can hear you now: “I’m not sure about that, J.K. I don’t think I need to worry about the spiritual side of things because I’m not a religious person.”
I’m not a religious person either, brother. I’ve always been open about that. But that doesn’t negate my belief that every person needs to connect with the spiritual side of life. I don’t mean giving up your will to a higher power. I don’t mean finding religion. I don’t mean spending hours per day in prayer. I don’t even necessarily mean meditating. Sure, all of these things may have their time and place but they’re not a requirement to develop spirituality.
The way I view spirituality is through the lens of, “Who am I and what am I here for?” Spirituality provides purpose and direction in life. I don’t just mean Christian spirituality, either. Spirituality is as straightforward as connecting with the world around you at a deeper level with greater awareness. It’s about your connection to your existence.
There are two inescapable truths in life:
Everyone will die at some point.
Everyone experiences some form of tragedy or trauma at some point.
There is no way around either of those two things. You will die at some point and you will experience some tragic things that really rock you to the core of your being and make you question your existence. It may be the loss of someone close to you, loss of one of your senses, or loss of your physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing. When this tragedy eventually strikes, what are you going to lean on so you can keep going?
This is where spiritual reboot capital comes into practice. The magnitude of the world and its realities can feel crushing and impossible sometimes. But the spiritual side of life gives you meaning when it feels like there is none. You must develop spiritual reboot capital with the help of porn addiction counseling if you want to make it through these inevitable low points in life.
So, how do you develop spiritual reboot capital?
Start simple. Begin by being kind. Start being kind not only to the people you know but especially to the people you don’t. I believe kindness is the easiest path to spirituality because it requires you to do something for someone else who needs it. This is particularly when you don’t know the person and have no connection to them. They’re just another individual floating around in the world who needs some support.
Brothers who implement this practice slowly begin to develop empathy and start to feel compassion. They begin to reconnect with emotions and feelings that have long been lost to porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior.
It’s easy to end up in a tailspin trying to think your way into your purpose. Start by acting your way into your purpose instead. Sharing kindness with your fellow human beings is the most straightforward possible path to spirituality. It connects you with the world around you in the most intimate and important way possible.
As you develop compassion, empathy, and kindness for others, you’ll inevitably develop it for yourself as well. Those positive feelings will turn inward and you’ll feel a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in the world.
Sharing kindness with your fellows is one of the most basic spiritual practices you can incorporate. Once you’re comfortable with this introduction practice you can start to include other things like reflective writing and meditation. The more time you dedicate to developing spiritual reboot capital the more positive you will feel. You’ll feel more connected with yourself, with others, and with the world as a whole.
If you’re interested in connecting with other brothers and learning about the ways they build their spiritual reboot capital including porn addiction recovery programs which you can attain – join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. We’d love to hear what you’re working on and offer some help if you’re feeling stuck. We look forward to having you, brother!
Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital.
Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
Today I’m going to dig into the importance of building up your mental reboot capital. The mental area of your life refers to your cognitive abilities consisting of your thinking and reasoning skills. It also includes your thoughts, beliefs, and values. Your mental wellbeing is the foundation that your porn addiction recovery is built on.
When you live with an out-of-control sexual behavior, your behaviors hijack your mind. Whether you prefer porn, masturbation, sex, chat sites, cam sites, OnlyFans, escorts, your compulsive behavior distorts your thinking capabilities.
Your out-of-control sexual behavior leads you to develop irrational thinking patterns and severely limits your choices. Couple this with a misaligned set of values and you begin to see the very terrible personal, spiritual, social, and even legal problems that your behavior can cause.
Building mental reboot capital begins with increasing your knowledge about your addictive behavior. You do this by what you’re already doing – reading this blog. You can expand your knowledge by listening to the Porn Reboot podcast, watching videos on our YouTube channel, or engaging with brothers in the free Facebook group.
Further growth comes from challenging your distorted thinking patterns and beliefs. Reestablishing your values is one of the quickest ways to build mental reboot capital. Having a strong values system provides you with a guide for developing every other area of your reboot capital. Knowing the values you prefer to live by clears up any lingering confusion.
You’re going to experience times during your reboot when you feel compelled to relax a bit. You’ll want to let off the gas pedal and set the cruise control. For example, take the holiday season that just passed. Everyone around you is taking it easy and relaxing but you’re still starting your day with a morning routine, getting into the gym, and staying connected with your accountability partners. You wonder why you should have to work so hard while your friends and family check out for the rest of the year.
These are the times your mental reboot capital is most important. If anything, your reboot routine becomes even more crucial during these periods. While there’s nothing wrong with relaxing, taking your foot off the gas pedal is the first way to send yourself into a relapse cycle.
Mental reboot capital helps you remember why you started your reboot in the first place. It reminds you of the importance of building reboot capital in every area of your life. Your mental reboot capital keeps you on the path during the moments you question whether your out-of-control behavior was really “that big of a deal.”
Truth is, brother, you’re not like your friends and family. Sure, you may have plenty of things in common. But if they don’t also have a problem with porn, sex, and masturbation, they don’t have to adhere to the same structure as you. Your pursuit of a porn-free life means you must completely change your perspective and rewire your brain.
There will also be times when you feel challenged and overwhelmed. You’re going to have days where the motivation to move forward simply isn’t there. Building mental reboot capital strengthens you during these days, too. You won’t feel inspired every day but your mental porn addiction counseling program will keep you going when these moments inevitably arise.
Having a deep acceptance of your problem with porn, sex, and masturbation, understanding why it happens, and recognizing how to get out of it are all components of your mental wellbeing. As you work on these aspects of your reboot, your mental reboot capital will grow. Stay committed to the process, brother, and you’ll find yourself able to handle these lulls when they arise!
We’re in the middle of a small series on the concept of reboot capital. Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital:
Spiritual
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Social
Today I want to continue last week’s post on emotional reboot capital. Getting in touch with your emotions and learning to identify them is one of the greatest challenges of your early reboot.
There is one emotion, in particular, that tends to stand out as men start feeling their feelings again: anger.
Anger is one of the most common emotions in men dealing with out-of-control sexual behavior. Oftentimes therapists will teach men to “let out their anger” as long as they again learn to “manage it.”
Sure, this may be true, but encouraging that early in your reboot is like handing a hand grenade to a child. You have no experience controlling strong emotions. Leaning into an emotion as intense as anger can lead to an explosive and even dangerous outcome.
Anger is a normal experience. You’re not a bad person because you’re walking around feeling angry most of the time. Many men who had no experience with anger issues before find that they feel incredible rage when they first start the reboot process. You’re not to blame for the anger that swells up during the early days of your reboot.
You are, however, responsible for learning to control it. If you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery you must not let your anger control you. It’s one of the most powerful relapse triggers, right after fear, shame, and doubt. Controlling your anger begins with understanding the causes of it and how it works.
Most men use porn and masturbation to suppress anger issues early in life. They pushed this emotion down deep instead of allowing it to run its course. Like all suppressed emotions, the anger comes out tenfold when it’s finally given some space.
Anger is like any other emotion, such as joy. It’s neither good nor bad. What makes anger bad is the poor ways that people tend to handle it. When you use it as an excuse to fly off the handle and end up in a rage, anger is bad. When you add on the internal challenges of guilt, depression, burnout, loneliness, and paranoia, it only adds fuel to the fire.
Some of the main causes of anger include:
Fear
Irrational beliefs
Unrealistic expectations
Uncommunicated needs
Every time you have an expectation that goes unmet or a false belief that you seek proof for, it triggers the anger deep within you. As you progress through your reboot you’ll naturally work through each of these areas. You’ll learn to face your fear. You’ll learn to challenge your irrational beliefs. You’ll learn to drop your unrealistic expectations. You’ll learn to speak up about your needs.
In the meantime, though, incorporating some things can help you avoid and work through anger. You spent years anesthetizing your emotions with porn, sex, and masturbation. Now that you no longer have these “tools”, what can you do instead?
I recommend starting with exercise. Regular exercise is an effective way to free yourself of pent-up frustration through the natural release of endorphins. When you feel that anger rise inside, go for a long walk, lift weights at the gym, shoot some hoops at the basketball court. Find a form of exercise that works for you and implement it – it will make more of a difference than you can imagine.
Next, keep a journal of the things that trigger you. What are the events, situations, people, and circumstances that cause the anger? What are some other feelings that come up during these moments? Writing is a crucial tool to use when learning to work through anger and other emotions, not only at the start of your reboot but throughout it.
Mindfulness meditation is another helpful practice to incorporate when you’re starting to work through your anger. The practice of mindfulness involves being present in the moment and paying attention to what’s going on around you. It also involves not sinking into or dwelling in your feelings. Instead, you observe them and then let them pass by.
Anger is a normal part of life, brother, and learning to live with it will make your porn addiction counseling much more successful. These three practices, exercise, journaling, and mindfulness, are each an antidote to your anger. The more often you incorporate each one, the easier it will be to work through anger when it arises.
However, if you choose not to involve practices to address your anger it will contribute much distress and unhappiness in your life. You leave yourself more at risk of relapse, you’ll treat others poorly, and you’ll continue to struggle. If you want to find freedom from your out-of-control behavior, finding freedom from anger is a vital part of the process.
Today I want to dive into what I consider to be a superpower for many men: self-talk.
You may have heard of the term self-talk in different self-improvement circles but I view it a bit differently. I want to help you understand what it is, the important role it plays, and how you can develop it in your life, not only for rebooting but to help you achieve all your goals.
What is Self-Talk?
Self-talk is your intra-personal communication. It is the way you speak to yourself internally and the story you tell yourself, both of which also contribute to the way you communicate with others. Everybody talks to themselves, it’s a normal thing. Some have a more constant inner dialogue than others but everyone experiences it to some degree.
When you pay attention to your inner dialogue you’ll see that it reflects your thoughts and emotions. It provides a running commentary on everything going on around you, on your hopes for the future, your regrets about the past, and more.
People often think that self-talk is something innate that can’t be changed. It’s part of who you are and is the way that it is. However, I know that’s far from the truth. You have more control over your self-talk than you’d like to admit or believe.
Paying attention to your self-talk helps you get to know yourself in a deeper, more honest way. You discover your thinking patterns and how you react to events outside your control. Once you notice these patterns, it allows you to do something about them.
Dysfunctional vs. Constructive Self-Talk
Some people are programmed for positive self-talk. It doesn’t take much for their headspace to remain upbeat and beneficial as they move through their lives. However, others are prone to negative self-talk. Their inner monologue tends to carry a critical view of the world around them and especially themselves.
This means there are two types of self-talk: constructive and dysfunctional. Dysfunctional self-talk tells a bad story that makes you feel helpless and hopeless. Constructive self-talk makes you feel awesome, like you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
Dysfunctional self-talk is what creates negative feelings. It causes things like anxiety and depression, further instills insecurity, and exacerbates negative emotion. On the other hand, constructive self-talk provides access to all kinds of wonderful emotions. It leaves you feeling happy, confident, and full of optimism.
Getting your self-talk to this constructive space is when it becomes a superpower that makes you unstoppable.
Why is Self-Talk So Important?
Self-talk has a direct impact on how you feel. Negative self-talk makes you feel terrible while positive self-talk makes you feel incredible. This isn’t the only thing that makes it important, though. The interesting thing about self-talk is that it amplifies your perception of experiences.
For example, if you’re stressed out and overwhelmed with negative thoughts, it makes your stressful situation even more stressful. But if you’re filled with positive thoughts, you’ll have an easier time talking yourself through this moment of difficulty, trusting that it won’t last forever.
Ultimately, your self-talk creates a feedback loop. The positivity or negativity of that loop depends on the way you talk to yourself. If your inner dialogue amplifies both negative and positive things, which would you prefer it amplifies?
Learning to Control Self-Talk
You’re not a victim of your inner dialogue. While you may not know how to control it yet, the good thing is you can learn how to. You can incorporate different practices that help you develop an awareness of how you talk to yourself and then change those negative thought patterns.
The first step to controlling your self-talk is to make a conscious effort to pay attention to your thoughts. Do this as you go through your day. Listen to the way your mind reacts to whatever happens around you. Observe the patterns of thought that happen automatically with little input from your conscious mind.
The more you pay attention, the more you’ll recognize the trend of your thoughts. Are you more prone to positive or negative thinking? If you’re here in the Porn Reboot program and early in your reboot, you’re more likely to err on the side of dysfunctional self-talk.
Next, write down a list of your most common thought patterns. What are the things you regularly tell yourself? Are you encouraging or do you tear yourself down? What specific phrases do you repeat? Write all of these things down on paper so you have them in front of you in black and white.
Read each thought and ask yourself whether there is any truth behind it. It may be difficult at first when you’re still programmed to see yourself negatively. The more you read through this list, though, the more you realize most of the things you tell yourself are far from true. In fact, many of them are probably ridiculous.
Self-Talk and Your Reboot
You’ve spent so many years of your life telling yourself all sorts of terrible things; no wonder you feel so poorly all the time. Learning to control your self-talk is crucial if you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery.
If you tell yourself that you’re a loser every time you slip it will be much harder for you to overcome these setbacks. But if you accept your imperfections, tell yourself that you’re working hard, and that you learn from your mistakes, it will be much easier to avoid these mistakes.
Working on your self-talk is an important part of your reboot. There are tons of men in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group who understand the difficulties of controlling self-talk. If you’re having a hard time with changing your dysfunctional thinking, jump into the group and find some support from your brothers as you work on it!
There are lots of misconceptions surrounding the terms values, principles, and standards.
Other times people simply think they’re the same thing. Each term is similar and all three are related but there are unique differences that separate them.
Values are your long-lasting beliefs on certain issues and things that are important to you. They are essentially the foundation of your principles. Some examples of values are integrity, compassion, patience, and generosity.
Principles are indisputable, unchanging rules you hold that are based on your values. For example, “treat others the way you want to be treated” is a principle. Another one I apply in my life is “don’t dip your pen in company ink”, meaning don’t get involved with women at your work.
Standards are actions or behaviors that you expect yourself to live up to based on your values and principles. These include things like working hard, being rigorously honest, committing to your physical well-being, and supporting your family.
How do values, principles, and standards play a role in your reboot?
Oftentimes I notice that people tend to pick up values, principles, or standards because they think they sound cool. They hear someone they admire or respect throw one of these things out and so they adopt it without thinking. However, if that value, principle, or standard doesn’t align with your truth, it’s not going to hold up over time.
Values, principles, and standards are all very personal things. You can’t simply look at someone else and take theirs as your own. Sure, there will always be some crossover between you and other people. But the system as a whole will differ slightly from person to person.
There isn’t necessarily a “right” or “wrong” way to approach these things. Everyone has a different way of thinking and believing. Our value systems are shaped by factors like the society you live in, the area you grow up in, your family, and your friends. At first, you’ll likely share some similar values, principles, and standards with those around you. Over time, though, you may start to recognize where the values you learned when you were young don’t align with how you see the world as an adult.
As you grow up, you develop a set of values and principles that fit with your beliefs. This results in a set of standards that you live your life by. An important distinction between values and principles and standards is that standards are very personal. People often try to impose their standards on others and it leads to problems. Values and principles are used to determine who you surround yourself with but standards aren’t something you can force others to adhere to.
I’ve talked about values and principles before and their importance in the reboot process. I don’t think I’ve dedicated enough attention to standards, though, and that’s what I want to focus on today. Developing standards is a crucial part of your reboot and I want to help you begin that process.
1. You must create personal standards that you adhere to at all times.
There is no avoiding developing a set of standards as a man in porn addiction recovery, sex, and masturbation. You cannot live a directionless life free from personal standards, nor can you simply adopt the standards of those around you.
Your standards inform your decisions, from the job you take to the people you spend time with. If you don’t have standards you’ll be left to react to whatever happens around you. Successful men who are strong in their convictions do not live a reactionary life. They develop a set of standards and stick to them without question.
2. Recognize that your standards are not goals.
Some men mistake standards for goals. They believe that they’re ideals to work towards at some point in the future. However, standards are not something off in the distance. They should inform your life as it is right now in the present moment. Your standards serve as the filter for your decision-making and behaviors.
Every time a decision comes up you should run it by your personal standards. Does going out to the strip club with your buddies align with your standards for maintaining your reboot? Does slacking off at work align with the type of man you’re working to become? These aren’t distant decisions; they are happening right now and your standards inform your choices.
3. Your standards are yours and yours alone.
Again, standards are a personal framework for living. Standards are something you determine for yourself based on your values and principles. They are not something you impose on your friends and family. Nor are they something you adopt from the people around you.
Drawing your standards from others leads to a dishonest life. Imposing your standards on others creates unrealistic expectations that will inevitably be unmet at some point. Your standards should work for you and you alone and serve as the driving force for your actions, not for others.
4. Standards are for personal fulfillment, not for impressing others.
Do not outline standards that you think will impress others. Even if they are aligned with your values and principles, standards aren’t a tool for boosting your ego. You’re still developing a dishonest set of standards if you approach them this way.
Instead, outline standards that leave you feeling personally fulfilled. They should be a framework for living that lets you put your head on the pillow at night knowing that you’re being true to yourself. Ultimately, the most important part of living a successful life is ensuring your thoughts and actions align with your beliefs. Standards are the way to ensure that happens.
