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Why You Need Standards in The Porn Reboot Program

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Why You Need Standards in The Porn Reboot Program

There are lots of misconceptions surrounding the terms values, principles, and standards.

Other times people simply think they’re the same thing. Each term is similar and all three are related but there are unique differences that separate them.

Values are your long-lasting beliefs on certain issues and things that are important to you. They are essentially the foundation of your principles. Some examples of values are integrity, compassion, patience, and generosity.

Principles are indisputable, unchanging rules you hold that are based on your values. For example, “treat others the way you want to be treated” is a principle. Another one I apply in my life is “don’t dip your pen in company ink”, meaning don’t get involved with women at your work.

Standards are actions or behaviors that you expect yourself to live up to based on your values and principles. These include things like working hard, being rigorously honest, committing to your physical well-being, and supporting your family. 

How do values, principles, and standards play a role in your reboot?

Oftentimes I notice that people tend to pick up values, principles, or standards because they think they sound cool. They hear someone they admire or respect throw one of these things out and so they adopt it without thinking. However, if that value, principle, or standard doesn’t align with your truth, it’s not going to hold up over time.

Values, principles, and standards are all very personal things. You can’t simply look at someone else and take theirs as your own. Sure, there will always be some crossover between you and other people. But the system as a whole will differ slightly from person to person.

There isn’t necessarily a “right” or “wrong” way to approach these things. Everyone has a different way of thinking and believing. Our value systems are shaped by factors like the society you live in, the area you grow up in, your family, and your friends. At first, you’ll likely share some similar values, principles, and standards with those around you. Over time, though, you may start to recognize where the values you learned when you were young don’t align with how you see the world as an adult.

As you grow up, you develop a set of values and principles that fit with your beliefs. This results in a set of standards that you live your life by. An important distinction between values and principles and standards is that standards are very personal. People often try to impose their standards on others and it leads to problems. Values and principles are used to determine who you surround yourself with but standards aren’t something you can force others to adhere to.

I’ve talked about values and principles before and their importance in the reboot process. I don’t think I’ve dedicated enough attention to standards, though, and that’s what I want to focus on today. Developing standards is a crucial part of your reboot and I want to help you begin that process.

1. You must create personal standards that you adhere to at all times.

There is no avoiding developing a set of standards as a man in porn addiction recovery, sex, and masturbation. You cannot live a directionless life free from personal standards, nor can you simply adopt the standards of those around you. 

Your standards inform your decisions, from the job you take to the people you spend time with. If you don’t have standards you’ll be left to react to whatever happens around you. Successful men who are strong in their convictions do not live a reactionary life. They develop a set of standards and stick to them without question.

2. Recognize that your standards are not goals.

Some men mistake standards for goals. They believe that they’re ideals to work towards at some point in the future. However, standards are not something off in the distance. They should inform your life as it is right now in the present moment. Your standards serve as the filter for your decision-making and behaviors.

Every time a decision comes up you should run it by your personal standards. Does going out to the strip club with your buddies align with your standards for maintaining your reboot? Does slacking off at work align with the type of man you’re working to become? These aren’t distant decisions; they are happening right now and your standards inform your choices.

3. Your standards are yours and yours alone.

Again, standards are a personal framework for living. Standards are something you determine for yourself based on your values and principles. They are not something you impose on your friends and family. Nor are they something you adopt from the people around you. 

Drawing your standards from others leads to a dishonest life. Imposing your standards on others creates unrealistic expectations that will inevitably be unmet at some point. Your standards should work for you and you alone and serve as the driving force for your actions, not for others.

4. Standards are for personal fulfillment, not for impressing others.

Do not outline standards that you think will impress others. Even if they are aligned with your values and principles, standards aren’t a tool for boosting your ego. You’re still developing a dishonest set of standards if you approach them this way.

Instead, outline standards that leave you feeling personally fulfilled. They should be a framework for living that lets you put your head on the pillow at night knowing that you’re being true to yourself. Ultimately, the most important part of living a successful life is ensuring your thoughts and actions align with your beliefs. Standards are the way to ensure that happens.

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The Importance of Values To Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
The Importance of Values To Your Reboot

What are some values that are important to you?

Could you list 5 or 10 clear values that define how you believe it’s important to live?

Whenever I ask a brother what his value system is, I tend to get vague responses. They fumble around and offer general things like being a good guy and doing the right thing. The problem is that being a good guy and doing the right thing looks different to different people. Not everyone has the same idea of what a “good guy” looks like. Those values are empty and meaningless. They don’t offer any real direction or purpose in your life.

I believe that a man must have clearly defined values to fully recover from his porn addiction and change his self-image. This may sound terrifying if you struggled to define clear values but I promise that I can help. Values are of the utmost importance in your reboot and I want to help you understand how to define those which are important to you.

What Are Values?

Values are generalizations that describe things that are important to you. They help you define what is good or bad, right or wrong. Your values have a massive impact on your actions because they drive behavior and provide motivation for all of your actions. 

An easy way to think about values is to see them as buttons that either attract or repel you from things in life. They move you closer towards or further away from an outcome. Values are typically closely connected to your beliefs. These things work together to help you outline how you want to live.

Why Are Values Important?

To put it simply, values are the key to unlocking your mindset. You’re going to feel uncomfortable if you do something that goes against your value system. Understanding your values is a vital part of uncovering mental roadblocks and determining whether you’re moving in the right direction. 

For example, I’m very open about my belief that casual sex is just fine once you’re past a certain point in your reboot. Some men in the Porn Reboot program are Christians, though, and don’t want to engage in casual sex. It goes against their value system and doing so would make them feel bad and maybe even put them at risk of a relapse.

Just because I view casual sex as something that isn’t a big deal doesn’t make my Christian brothers’ value systems any less important or valid. This is why you must get clear on what your personal value system is; no one else can define it for you.

Values Determine Your Priorities

It’s easier to prioritize your life once you’re clear on your values. You can organize your life to fit your needs when you know what is most important to you. Let’s say you’re a man with a wife and kids who absolutely loves his family. Your family is one of your greatest values. Understanding the value of family in your life means you may have to sacrifice time for them but it’s worth it because you value them.

Getting clear on my values is what enables me to do all the things that I do. Brothers in the group often ask me how it is that I can meditate for two hours and get to the gym every day while still having time to meet with men in the porn addiction recovery group and interact with my partner.

I don’t have any more time in a single day than you do, brother. There’s no secret behind my daily routine that adds an extra hour or two. It’s simple. I can do all these things because I value them. I value my mental wellbeing, I value my physical health, I value my work, and I value my partner. Each aspect is important to me so I make sure I dedicate time to each of them every single day.

Dissatisfaction Means Unmet Values

If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unfulfilled it likely means that you’re living out of congruence with your values. Let’s say you believe that you value fitness and health. You know you want to eat whole foods and commit to a regular gym routine. When lunchtime comes, though, you swing through a fast food drive thru and pick up a greasy burger and fries.

The more you engage in actions that are out of alignment with your values, the more dissatisfied you become. There’s nothing wrong with admitting your original values may not be your true values, but trying to force yourself into a value system that isn’t your own will leave you feeling discontent.

On the other hand, you’re going to feel satisfied and at peace when you live in congruence with your values. If you say you value fitness and health then spend your time meal prepping and getting to the gym after work, you will feel much more at ease. Even if the actions required to meet your values are tiring, the results make you feel invigorated.

Get Clear on Your Values

You must get clear on your values if you want to be successful in your reboot. Part of the reboot process is understanding truths about yourself and then taking the action required to align with those truths. You will feel much better when you align your behavior with your value system. But you can’t do that until you understand what your value system is.

If you’re having a hard time determining what your values are, I invite you to join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can reach out to some brothers who have worked through the process and are willing to share their experience. Surrounding yourself with men who have done the work will make it easier for you to do your own work, too.

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Developing Reboot Capital for Lasting Change

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By
Developing Reboot Capital for Lasting Change

If you’ve been around the Porn Reboot program for some time you’ve probably seen me write about reboot capital before.

However, I’ve never dedicated a post to explaining what reboot capital is. It’s a foundational part of the porn addiction recovery – reboot system so I want to help you understand what it is and the role it plays.

Reboot capital is the way I look at building up your life so you can stay off pornography and masturbation. These parts of life are what allow you to wake up each morning and face the day, feeling full of joy and purpose. The five areas of life where you need to build reboot capital are:

  • Mental
  • Social
  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Emotional

Disconnection from any one of these five areas leads you back to a slip in your out-of-control behavior. Reconnection is not only the path back to these areas of your life, but also the antidote to letting them go. The pain you experience exists when you’re out of sync in one or more of these areas. The stronger you build up these five areas of your life, the more fulfilled you’ll feel and the less likely you are to return to pornography. 

Reboot capital is the concept I use to keep all of them in check. Just as a person needs capital when they start a business, a man needs capital to stay afloat when ending his behavior with porn and masturbation. 

When you deplete capital in any of these five areas, you begin a subtle but sure spiral toward a slip. But when all five areas are working together, you experience contentment, fulfillment, and balance in your life.

Ending your out-of-control behavior doesn’t mean life becomes amazing forever. You must always monitor and ensure each area has sufficient capital flowing into it to keep you moving forward when times get tough. And times will inevitably get tough, brother, because that’s the way life happens. 

Over the next few days I’m going to take a deep dive into how to build reboot capital in these five areas. To stay off pornography for life and rewire your brain without fear of returning to your behavior, you must heal, nurture, and develop each of them. Learning how to stop porn addiction and check back in a few days to read more about the building mental reboot capital.

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Unlocking Emotional Reboot Capital

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Unlocking Emotional Reboot Capital

Last week I mentioned starting a small series on the concept of reboot capital. 

Just like a business needs capital to grow, your reboot needs capital to be positive and productive. There are five areas of your life where you need to build up reboot capital: 

  • Spiritual
  • Mental
  • Emotional
  • Physical
  • Social

Now that we’ve covered the spiritual and mental aspects of your reboot, emotional wellbeing is the next area to pursue. Building emotional reboot capital requires you to feel and experience life at a deeper level. Your emotional side is the part of you that seeks meaningful contact with others.

A pornography-laden life creates distance between you and those you love. This applies not only in a physical sense because of the time you spend watching it. This also applies in an emotional sense because it dampens your emotions and holds you back from building fulfilling relationships with the people you care about.

Over time, the truth begins to blur as you justify your increasingly harmful behavior. You shut down emotionally to block out the negative feelings that stem from your porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior. The deeper you fall into your addiction, the more you’re forced to numb your emotions.

A successful reboot requires you to reconnect with your emotions so you can once again fully engage with life. At the same time, it also requires learning to keep your emotions from controlling you. This means you need to address your emotional deficiencies and build emotional reboot capital. What does emotional reboot capital entail?

Most men who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior stunted their emotional growth. They are emotionally immature. If you started watching porn during your childhood or early teenage years, you’re more likely to experience adverse results, cognitive disorders, and social challenges during adulthood.

Emotionally immature men remain stuck in their negative emotions and seem to have no way out of them. For example, you may feel uncomfortable in your skin and find it difficult to deal with the everyday challenges of life. When faced with problems you may become short-tempered or feel unable to cope. Some men even develop learned helplessness, meaning they depend too heavily on others because they don’t believe they have the power to enact change for themselves.

There are many dangers of unaddressed emotional immaturity. These include things like:

  • Loneliness
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Difficulties with interpersonal relationships
  • Struggles with building new friendships
  • Inability to face life on life’s terms
  • Greater risk of slips or relapse

On the other hand, emotionally mature men recognize, understand, and manage their emotions. This enables them to define success for themselves, relate with others, and create the life they desire. Emotionally mature men do not need to numb the intensity of life’s ups and downs; they take each moment as it comes and make the best of it.

Some of the traits of emotionally mature men include:

  • Not a victim of their emotions
  • Easier to live in the moment
  • Able to be of use to others
  • Experience less stress
  • Build stronger, more effective relationships
  • Overall optimism about the future

Working through your emotional immaturity is critical if you want to be successful in your porn addiction recovery. Emotionally immature men do not have a successful porn addiction counseling. They blame others for their problems and refuse to take responsibility. And while you may struggle with emotional immaturity now, you have the power to work through and overcome this serious handicap.

Building emotional reboot capital is a bit more challenging than spiritual and mental capital. These emotional deficiencies plague us our entire lives up to the point where we are today. I’m going to unpack the ways you can build emotional reboot capital over the next few days before we launch into the rest of the series.

 

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7 Skills To Master When Dating During Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Recovery / By
7 Skills To Master When Dating During Your Reboot

Learning to how to quit porn addiction, sex, and masturbation isn’t easy. It’s a big challenge after struggling with your behavior for years. But there’s something that might be an even greater challenge: dating during your reboot.

Years of porn addiction problem destroy your humanity and affect how you view women. It keeps you from building true, authentic, intimate relationships with the women you date. Learning to have healthy relationships after overcoming compulsive behaviors with porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation can be difficult.

However, I’ve got some skills that you can master while dating during your reboot. These will get you on the right track as you start getting back out into the dating world. Take time to implement each of these skills into your life and I guarantee it will make a noticeable difference.

1. Starting and maintaining interesting conversations

Lots of men don’t know how to hold interesting conversations. We are logical creatures and can keep things very surface level. We don’t need to dive too deep into our conversations with other men because we don’t find it necessary. Shooting the breeze is good enough for us.

However, conversing with women is different. You can’t take the bad habits you have from conversing with other men (speaking too fast, keeping things too surface level, talking about yourself too much, etc.) and expect a woman to be interested. Talking to her in this way is a massive turn-off and she won’t want to stick around.

You must learn to have interesting conversations by asking the right questions, listening, and  framing things in a funny way. You don’t have to be hilarious or exceptionally intelligent to have an interesting conversation. All you need to do is show some general interest in things outside yourself. Ask her questions about things that interest her and dig into her answers.

2. Demonstrate high social value

No woman wants to go out with a guy who is quiet and meek all the time. She’s interested in a man who holds his own, keeps his head up high, and interacts well with others. How do you interact with others when you’re out on a date? How do you converse with the server while you’re out to dinner? What do you do when someone approaches you on the street asking for money?

You shouldn’t talk about your high social value, you should show it. For example, confident men don’t need to parade around looking for assurance; they simply command it by the way they interact with people around them. Developing the ability to demonstrate high social value is crucial.

3. Ability to handle rejection

Dating is a numbers game, brother. You’re not going to land every single woman you talk to. You must get comfortable with being rejected. It shouldn’t be a big deal if a woman flakes on you or ghosts you. There’s no reason to get angry; it’s part of the game.

You must learn to handle rejection without having a big emotional response to it. The more you react when you experience rejection, the less interesting a woman will find you. The less you let it faze you, the better you will fare in the dating world.

4. Killer instinct

Killer instinct is a term I coined myself. It means learning to recognize when a woman is ready for you to make a move. When is it time to get her number? When is she ready for a kiss? When is it time to take her to your place? When is the time to initiate sex?

When you develop a killer instinct you’re no longer second-guessing yourself, you just know it’s time to make a move. You aren’t making them too early or waiting too long. Instead, when you have a killer instinct, you’re more forward and confident which makes you more attractive to women.

5. Developing stances and opinions

It’s in a woman’s nature to test a man’s opinions. She may test you by throwing out a statement to see if you’ll agree with her. She wants to see if you blindly agree with everything she says or if you have your own thoughts and opinions on matters.

Men who are afraid of having strong opinions or saying something contradictory are a turn-off to women. You’re not challenging her if you simply agree with everything she says. How is that interesting at all? Instead, develop your own stances and opinions and stick to them when a woman challenges your thoughts.

6. A sense of empathy

Just like dating isn’t the only thing going on in your life, dating shouldn’t be the only thing going on in her life either. You don’t want a woman who has no friends or hobbies because she won’t allow you the space and time to enjoy yours. 

This means she won’t have a schedule that’s completely open and ready to spend time with you. This also means she may have things that come up. An empathetic man will understand that she has things outside of dating that are also important. He doesn’t take it personally if she isn’t able to meet up at the drop of a hat.

However, don’t confuse empathy with being a doormat, either. If she bails on you regularly or consistently doesn’t have the time you’re looking for, it’s time to move on.

7. The ability to end an interaction

You must know when and how to end a text message thread, a phone call, a date, or a relationship the moment she crosses the line of what you find appropriate. You should already have a solid set of values, standards, and boundaries in place before starting to date. Once she oversteps too many of these things, it’s time to end your interaction.

You should respect yourself enough to end the interaction when it no longer serves you. You shouldn’t hang around simply because you want some attention or want to get laid. Recognize that there are more women out there and get back in the game. Don’t sit around waiting on this one girl who has shown you that she isn’t worth your time.

These Are Only the Start

These skills are just some of the skills that will help you develop a confident air while dating. They are some of the primary things your behavior with porn and masturbation took away from you. And bringing them back into your life will make a massive difference when you begin dating again.

If you have any other ideas about necessary skills while dating during your reboot, come share them with the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’ll find plenty of brothers getting back into the dating game who you can learn from, and who you can share your tips with as well. Come join the conversation today!

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Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Letting Go of Boundaries During Your Late Stage Reboot

A brother in our Porn Reboot Intensive group brought a fantastic question forward the other day and I want to share it here.

“J.K., which boundaries can I release in the late and maintenance phases of my reboot? On one podcast you mentioned that we can let go of certain boundaries during these phases, but you didn’t give any examples. You said not all boundaries should stay active forever. 

“This answer is clear for some situations, like the program that shuts my computer down at 9:00 PM. I needed it during the early stages of my reboot but now that I prefer sleeping to staying on my computer late, I don’t need it anymore. 

“You often mention your period of gathering dating experience for two years, and then you went to parties. What were your boundaries for sleep since you were still rebooting at that time? I’m assuming you didn’t go home at 10:00 PM to get to sleep. 

“I’m not sure if I should keep a bedtime boundary forever, or if thinking this way is a quick path to trial rebooting.”

I think some men who aren’t in our coaching groups and only engage with our free content develop a bit of a skewed view of the porn addiction problem solving system. They seem to think it’s a very straight line from being trapped in your out-of-control behavior to being fully rebooted. 

While the system does offer a clear-cut path to recovery, the process of following that path doesn’t always tend to be a straight shot. The system remains the same but every man going through the Porn Reboot process has a different experience. Each man has a different lifestyle and a different set of circumstances that led to his compulsive behaviors.

This skewed understanding makes some sense, though. You’ll notice that most of the free content I offer, from this blog to our YouTube channel to our podcast and so on, discusses the system in a general way. I’m trying to reach a wide audience filled with a variety of men from different backgrounds. I don’t want to get too specific because I’m more focused on helping as many people as possible during the early stages.

It’s why I didn’t outline specific boundaries to release during the late and maintenance phases of the reboot. There is no cookie-cutter methodology for letting go of boundaries. What one man might need to keep as a boundary for years may not apply to another man. 

Determining which boundaries to let go of is a personal and individual process. If you don’t have access to someone who is fully rebooted it may take a lot of trial and error. But as you progress through your reboot you’ll start to recognize which boundaries are useful and which you can consider letting go of. It’s something you figure out on your own while hopefully surrounded by support and accountability.

Our brother also asked about my experience with releasing my bedtime boundary. You have to remember, though, that there was no Porn Addiction Counseling system when I rebooted. I was my case study. I went through so much trial and error to determine what worked and what didn’t. So even my process of rebooting wasn’t the straight shot that some men believe it to be.

However, I did maintain very strong boundaries regarding bedtime during my dating phase. I was always in bed by 11:00 PM or sometimes a rare midnight. Whenever I went on a date with a woman, I always made sure to be home in time to go through my evening routine before getting in bed.

I also maintained a two-date rule. The first date was a quick coffee date, no more than an hour, to determine whether there was a possibility of intimacy. If we didn’t get along or I didn’t see myself sleeping with this woman, I would finish up the date and move on with my life. If I was interested in pursuing something with her, I would invite her over to my house for a second date.

My boundaries were especially important during this second date because I still maintained my 11:00 PM bedtime. This meant I needed to meet with my date earlier in the evening so I had enough time to make my curfew. 

I hate to break it to you, brother, but you do not have the luxury of living out a romantic Hollywood fantasy. There’s no hanging out with a chick for three or four hours and losing track of time. Maintaining your boundaries is crucial. If you’re rebooting, you must have a deadline for a chick to leave your place. 

But again, determining boundaries is a personal experience. You will know what your boundaries should be if you’re willing to be honest with yourself. Checking in with an accountability partner will also help you determine whether you’re on the right track with releasing some old boundaries during the late and maintenance phases.

If you don’t already have an accountability partner or a group of men to check in with, now is a great time to find some. The Free Porn Reboot Facebook group is a great place to find brothers working on their reboot in all stages of the process. Come join us today and let us know where you’re at. Whether you’re still checking out the Porn Reboot system or you’re in the late stage and ready to release some boundaries, there are plenty of men who can help!

 

 

 

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The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
The Simple Way to Increase Reboot Confidence

Confidence is something most of the brothers in the Porn Addiction Counseling Program our own reboot system struggle with.

It’s easy to feel defeated, ashamed, and remorseful when you struggle with out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. You’ve spent years hiding away from the world and trying to keep people from finding out what you do behind closed doors. Of course your confidence levels will be next to nothing.

Today I want to cover a simple process you can use to start building confidence. There are many different ways to achieve a level of confidence as you work through the Porn Reboot system, but I want to give you something actionable that you can implement immediately.

Confidence comes down to a mindset shift. I want you to look at the target you have in mind: quitting your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Ending your out-of-control behavior is the end goal, and it likely has been for some time already. 

So if you made the decision many years ago that you’re going to permanently end your behavior, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve second-guessed yourself, whether you’ve failed in your attempts before, or how many times you’ve tried. What matters is that you chose to better your life in the first place.

I guarantee there are thousands of men hidden away behind their computers wishing they could have the strength to make that decision. They haven’t even attempted to end their behavior; they’ve resigned themselves to a miserable porn-filled life. But you, brother, are taking steps to leave that life behind for good.

Confidence can come from the knowledge of that simple fact. You chose to do something different with your life instead of continuing digging yourself deeper into that dark hole of misery, depression, and hopelessness. Even if you’re in the middle of a slip right now, you can always get back on the beam.

This is the easiest way to bridge the gap between you and the confidence you so badly need. You wouldn’t be here reading this if you weren’t at least somewhat set on deciding to end your behavior. I know it may sound silly or even too simple but sit there with that knowledge brother. Let it sink in and give yourself credit for choosing to take a different path. 

Your confidence will continue to grow and strengthen as you progress through the Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot program. Simply embodying the knowledge that you’re ready to forge a new road should give you the boost of confidence it takes to begin. You’re part of something bigger than yourself, brother, and on the way to something incredible. Stay the course and watch as your life changes before your eyes.

 

 

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“At This Moment In My Reboot”

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
“At This Moment In My Reboot”

Today I’ve got another great question from a brother in the Porn Reboot group. He asked:

“J.K., why do you say ‘At this moment in my reboot’ sometimes? You are 15 years free from pornography. Doesn’t it take two years to reboot, or at least for your brain to rewire? That sounds more like saying ‘At this point in my recovery’, which you regularly point out has no deadline. Don’t you often say you kick people out of the group once their reboot is ‘done’?”

A lot of men who first arrive at the Porn Reboot program assume that it’s just about quitting porn. Sure, quitting your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is the primary goal. However, quitting porn is only the beginning of the Porn Reboot process. 

Instead, Porn Reboot is a holistic process. Cutting porn out of your life doesn’t magically heal all the other areas that you harmed. It doesn’t build back reboot capital in the parts of your life that are suffering. Eliminating your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation is only the beginning.

Too many men think that quitting porn is all it takes to overcome porn addiction. If it were that simple I wouldn’t be doing what I was doing. I wouldn’t work with hundreds of men every year who burn their lives down because of their porn addiction problems. You wouldn’t be here reading this either if you truly believed that quitting porn was the only thing you needed to do.

No, brother. Quitting porn is only the start.

This is exactly why I’m so against things like “no fap.” Yeah, it’s great you stopped jerking off. That’s wonderful. But that’s not going to fix your financial issues. It’s not going to fix your mental health issues. It won’t fix your attachment issues or your social anxiety. Truthfully, quitting porn does nothing but magnify your lack of effective coping skills.

Remember that something made you rely on porn in the first place. Maybe it was medicating stress, maybe it was rejection at school, or maybe it was simple curiosity and seeking pleasure. Whatever the reason, though, porn became your solution to problems instead of actual problem-solving skills.

Eliminating porn is the first step. But developing coping skills and building a life worth living is where the true work lies. The system will get you to the point where you are no longer dependent on pornography, but it doesn’t mean the unresolved issues in your life are suddenly resolved. And that may take much longer than the two years required to rewire your brain. 

I’m not some magical guru who has fixed every area of his life. I’m very aware of the areas where I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m also more than aware of the areas where I’m not where I want to be. I use the phrase “At this moment in my reboot” because I recognize that I still have work to do, too.

I view rebooting as a lifestyle, meaning I apply the principles I used to control my behavior to dealing with other unresolved issues. The system isn’t only useful for pornography, it’s useful for every area I want to work on in my life. I practice what I preach which means I’m still working on myself to this day.

Our brother was keen to recognize this point and I’m grateful that he brought it up. I don’t want you thinking that I believe I’ve got all the answers. I don’t. I simply have a system that works for me and the other men in the Porn Addiction Counseling group. And I don’t just sit here writing blog posts, making YouTube videos, and recording podcasts without continuing to do the work.

When you hear me say “At this point in my reboot,” I’m not referring to my sexual behavior or my behavior with pornography. I’m referring to the other unresolved issues that I’m dealing with in my life. I’m no better and no worse than you, brother. I’m on my own journey through life and dedicated to helping others escape the same hellish cycle I found myself in.

While I don’t believe we are porn addicts forever, I do believe we are forever works in progress. Very few people will ever truly achieve enlightenment. We’re always going to have things we need to work through in life. But when you remove your out-of-control sexual behavior from the equation, working on these issues becomes far more effective and manageable. And life becomes that much more beautiful, too.

 

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Conservative Reboot Dating: Balancing Values and Experiences

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Conservative Reboot Dating: Balancing Values and Experiences

I’ve got another question from a brother today that addresses his concerns about his conservative views on casual dating. He asks: 

“I’ve had a dialogue in my head for quite some time about the approach I should take to dating. I grew up in a very conservative family in a very conservative area. I have carried the value of only needing one woman for the rest of my life. 

“However, recently I’ve considered the idea of dating casually without any intent for a long-term commitment. I feel a lot of resistance to this, though, and oftentimes sabotage opportunities with women I’m interested in. Am I wrong for only having gone out on a couple of dates with one person in his life? Is it wrong to have this sort of value?”

If you’ve been around the our Porn Addiction Counseling program for a while, you know that I recommend dating casually when you’re early in your reboot. I support you talking with and dating multiple women at a time because the primary goal is learning to enjoy interacting with women without expectations. 

Dating multiple women at a time makes you less likely to be overly engaged, needy, and dependent while casually dating. You don’t see the woman you’re with as your only option which keeps you from feeling and behaving desperately. 

However, if you hold a conservative view of dating you may struggle with seeing more than one woman at once. Some conservative segments of society frown upon the practice. Even if you aren’t ready to settle down, the idea that you would see multiple women isn’t an acceptable approach to the dating process.

I believe this is an antiquated concept. Dating in the Western world has changed a ton over the last few decades. Most people see nothing wrong with casually dating multiple people. It’s almost assumed that you’re seeing more than one person at once until exclusivity or commitment is explicitly mentioned.

Casual dating allows you to interact with and enjoy the company of other women. You’ve spent so many years isolating yourself from the world and lost touch with the skills necessary to build a relationship. If you only date one woman at a time, you hold yourself back from engaging with as many of them as possible. Why put yourself at a disadvantage there?

You should also consider that the way society views sex is much different than it used to be. Things are far more sexualized today than they ever were before. I was watching a show on HBO Max the other day and saw more penises at once than I ever had in my life. Everything is sexual nowadays. 

Casual sex is also much more common. Both men and women are more likely to have more sexual partners before settling down than our predecessors did. Most of the women you date have likely sex with at least one or two people before. The majority of people are no longer “waiting ‘til marriage” like we were told to do when we were young.

Unfortunately, I see many of our conservative brothers rushing into marriage for the sole purpose of having sex. If your only focus is sex, brother, you’re going to have a miserable marriage. It won’t take long for men who hurry into these lifelong commitments based on the expectation regular sex to realize they made an incredible mistake.

Dating shouldn’t automatically equate to marriage just like dating shouldn’t automatically equate to sex. I support casual dating without the expectation of either prospect. You’ve spent the entirety of your porn addiction learning to objectify women, whether you realize it or not. Porn addiction problems strips all intimacy from the equation and destroys your ability to have healthy interactions with women. Casual dating is the first step to learning how to engage with women without objectifying them. 

I’m not recommending you abandon your values, brother. You’ll find no one more supportive than me when it comes to adhering to your values. But I want to challenge you to reframe your beliefs about dating. Dating multiple women casually doesn’t have to mean rejecting your values. It’s simply a way to relearn how to interact with them without unrealistic expectations.

I do want to point out, though, that not everyone adheres to the same values as you. There’s nothing wrong with holding to your conservative values, but expecting the women you date to hold them as well is likely to set you up for frustration and disappointment. I’m not saying that every woman lacks these values but far fewer are sticking to them than they were before.

I also want to mention that if you’re dating for the sole purpose of getting married, I think you should pump the brakes a bit. Your brain is still rewiring and you don’t want to make a lifelong commitment without fully thinking it through. 

If you aren’t already married then you have no reason to rush into things. It’s better to take your time and get to know some different women at a deeper level than what they have to offer physically. There is plenty of time in your life for marriage, brother, but right now is likely not the time. You don’t want to find yourself regretting your decision in the future.

Instead, focus on asking yourself whether casual dating truly goes against your conservative values. Do they need to be mutually exclusive or can you find a balance between the two? I firmly believe that you can have both, but it’s up to you to decide what is best for you.

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Women Ghosting You During Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Women Ghosting You During Your Reboot

Today’s post is for the single brothers out there who are getting back into dating and having some trouble. A brother in our group asked:

“Hey, J.K., I’ve noticed something as I’ve been meeting women and starting to date again. Whether it’s a girl I’ve dated casually for a few months or just a girl I’ve been texting with, women eventually start to ghost me. They just disappear. I’m now starting to assume that every woman I talk to will eventually ghost me. How can I balance having low expectations without indirectly negatively impacting my future opportunities with women?”

Regardless of your past experiences, brother, I don’t think you should have low expectations when it comes to dating women. I think that there aren’t enough men who understand what is going on in a woman’s world. I see it all the time with men who first start dating again after separating from their compulsive behavior, and they’re thoughts I struggled with, too.

Women grow up in a very different world than men do. They grow up in a world where they are fearful of being judged. They grow up in a world where they are at risk of being hurt or sexually assaulted. This means the way they communicate with men is much different than the ways that men communicate with each other.

Over time, I started realizing that many women don’t see the men they’re communicating with on apps or dating sites as “real” until she meets them in person. If she’s swiping on Tinder or has a profile on Plenty of Fish, you’re not the only man she’s talking to. She has all sorts of men throwing themselves at her. Chances are she has many more prospects than you do.

Oftentimes guys are far too communicative and it causes the girl to lose interest. If you’re available all the time it tells her that you don’t have anything interesting going on in your life. You shouldn’t have time to sit around sending walls of text all day. There’s no need to get yourself that invested when you haven’t even met her in person yet.

I don’t recommend spending a ton of time chit-chatting over text when you get a woman’s number. Get her number and set up the first date as soon as possible. You want to engage with her in person sooner rather than later so you become something more than just another name on the list on her phone. The sooner you meet up with her the better.

At the end of the day, though, dating in this day and age is a numbers game. You need to put in the numbers and let the results work themselves out. You’ll probably reach out to 20 or 30 women just to meet up with only two or three of them. I know it seems like a lot but that’s part of the process if you want to get back into the dating game.

There isn’t much you can do to keep a woman from ghosting you aside from maintaining her interest. Don’t make yourself overly available, meet up with her in person within a few days of initiating contact, and let the rest play out. 

Both men and women have essentially instant access to hundreds of people for attention and validation. You shouldn’t take it personally when a woman ghosts you. That’s unfortunately just part of the dating process now whether we like it or not. All you can do is keep from investing too heavily into any one woman right away. If you’re overly invested you’ll find yourself feeling hurt if she ghosts.

Instead, continue focusing on yourself, brother. Keep building reboot capital or Pornography Addiction Counseling as you get back into the dating phase. If a woman cancels on you, you have plenty of other things to do. It’s no skin off your back because you’re building a life that’s worth waiting for the right one. You don’t need to take whatever you can get; there’s always another woman out there to meet with.

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