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10 Attributes You Need to Quit Pornography and Stay Quit

How To Stop Porn Addiction / By
10 Attributes You Need to Quit Pornography and Stay Quit

I most often talk about rebooting in terms of rewiring your brain.

You have to rewire your brain if you want to be successful in your reboot. But pornography addiction affects far more than your brain chemistry and thought processes alone. Rebooting includes hitting the reset button on all the aspects of your life that your out-of-control sexual behavior affected.

Today I want to cover the ten attributes you need to be successful in your reboot. I’ve covered these things before but this list is a bit different than usual. I put it together because I often have a lot of men ask me how to determine whether they’re making progress in their reboot. They aren’t sure when they cross from early stages into later stages. They’re looking for changes to mark their progress by. So today I want to give that to you.

1. Values and Standards

Determining your values and standards is the first requirement for a successful reboot. You might think you have them already, but are they set in stone? Do you have them written down? Do you know what you’re willing to sacrifice for them? What are you willing to give up to adhere to your values and standards?

Think about it. When you experienced strong urges in the past, your values and standards would shift to accommodate whatever urges arose. They changed according to the circumstances that came up. The only values and standards you had up to this point were those that fulfilled your need for instant gratification. You need to have a solid understanding of your values and standards before you can ever be successful in your reboot.

2. Strong Boundaries

People often think about setting boundaries in terms of other people. They think it’s placing limits on who you spend time with or how you allow people to treat you. While this is an accurate understanding of boundaries, they also encompass more than that. You must set boundaries not only with the people you hang out with but with the places you go or activities you participate in. 

Let’s say you’re an individual who often relapses when you smoke weed or drink alcohol. There’s a very real possibility you may have to give up marijuana or alcohol if you want your reboot to be successful. But if you refuse to give these things up and set strong boundaries, you remain stuck in the reboot and relapse cycle until you’re ready.

3. Awareness

The next thing you need to be successful in your reboot is awareness. Not only self-awareness but a general awareness of both your emotions and feelings as well as the science behind this behavior. You should have emotional and intellectual awareness regarding your behavior with pornography. You also need a basic understanding of psychology, of things like trauma, unresolved issues, abandonment, and neglect.

This awareness allows you to simultaneously understand that your feelings and emotions are not only a result of things happening at the surface, but they’re also the result of neurochemical reactions in your brain. Having a deeper understanding and awareness of what’s going on in your brain makes it easier to deal with things as they arise.

4. Accountability

Accountability is a crucial part of every successful reboot. You can’t reboot in a vacuum; you need input from other men who have been where you are. Lots of men point to a lack of accountability when dissecting what happened before they relapsed. Avoid this pitfall by finding accountability partners early and stay in contact with them.

At the same time, you also need to be accountable to yourself. You’re a grown man. You shouldn’t have to rely on another grown man to remind you that your behavior is out of control. It’s good to have accountability partners to lean on when times are tough but at the end of the day, your ultimate goal is to be accountable to yourself.

5. Self-Discipline

I view self-discipline as having the ability to restrain and repress your instincts in favor of doing things that are beneficial to you in the long run. When you start your reboot, you’re going to have an extreme lack of self-discipline. You’ve operated on the principle of instant gratification for years. 

Your pornography use and compulsive sexual behavior damaged your prefrontal cortex. Over time you’re going to have to develop self-discipline. You don’t have to stress out about it, though. It will happen naturally as you follow the system and your brain rewires.

6. Patience

Patience doesn’t come easily to men who constantly succumb to instant gratification. If you want to be successful, though, you need to develop patience. You’re not going to feel a massive sudden shift. There are no quick fixes in learning how to stop porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior. It takes time to reboot.

Sure, you can change some of your habits and lay a solid foundation in 90 days. But you won’t rewire your brain or change your entire lifestyle in that short period. It takes more than a year to create lasting change. You must be patient if you want to be successful in your reboot.

7. Open-Mindedness

Every man comes into the Porn Reboot program with preconceived notions. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your background is; everyone has a set of assumptions and ideas they need to break down. You have to be willing to let go of some of your false beliefs about what recovery should be.

There is no one path to recovery. As you go through your reboot, you’ll be exposed to things other than the Porn Reboot system. There are plenty of useful resources outside of our system that may help you along the way. Remain open-minded to alternatives while still understanding the need to stick to a system that works for you.

8. Truth

Porn addicts are liars. I don’t care who you are or how honest you believe yourself to be. Every porn addict is a liar. The act of hiding your behavior itself is a lie. Pornography addiction and compulsive behavior come with a lot of shame and guilt. So overcoming these behaviors means you must learn to be honest.

Even after you’ve gained control over your sexual behavior, you probably still have a tendency to lie. You must learn to tell the truth if you want to be successful in your reboot, not only to others but most importantly to yourself.

9. Love

There is nothing loving about pornography. Even the love involved in some of the fake storylines is empty. Pornography lacks intimacy and connection. Over time, consuming lots of porn, especially aggressive or violent porn, kills the love you have for your fellow human beings. How can you watch people being hurt then go tuck your kid into bed or tell your partner you love them?

Building up your capacity to love again is vital for a successful reboot. It won’t happen all at once. It needs to be worked on. It’s easier to work on when you come out of isolation, start speaking to others again, and connect with a community of people where love is already present, such as the Porn Reboot Facebook group.

10. Stoicism

All kinds of things will happen during your reboot. Life doesn’t take a pause because you decided to end your behavior with pornography. There will be ups and downs along the journey to controlling your behavior and rewiring your brain. You will have rough days, you’ll feel insulted, you’re going to reach breaking points at times. You must learn to get through these things without turning back to pornography.

Learning to be stoic is an incredible gift. It means you observe what’s happening in life without attaching to the events or assigning emotional meaning to them. You develop a calm within you as you face the world around you. I’m not suggesting that you have to become a perfect being of enlightenment but honing this quality will make you more successful in your reboot.

Determining Your Reboot Progress

How many of these attributes can you say you have? Maybe you’re successful with a few of them and are working your way toward the others. Write this list down and store it somewhere you can see it. It provides a good gauge for how you’re doing in your reboot and which areas you need to continue working on.

Rebooting is an ongoing process. There is no “end point”. A successful rebooter never ends his quest to better himself and the world around him. So where are you at in your reboot?

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Be Mindful of the Therapist You Choose

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Be Mindful of the Therapist You Choose

A while back I posted a video about why some straight men watch gay or transgender porn.

It’s a common thing for men who start progressing in their porn  addiction counseling use past the initial stages. But it creates a lot of confusion when men don’t understand why they’re watching what they’re watching. Until they learn more about porn addiction, some wonder whether they’re bisexual or gay.

I believe that most men who watch these genres of pornography aren’t bisexual or gay. Porn addiction is a progressive condition. This means that you need to seek increasingly intense or stimulating scenes over time to achieve the same effect. Gay and trans porn is oftentimes a part of this porn progression for many otherwise straight men.

A licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) commented on this video, though, with a different take. He said:

“I’m fully aware of and support your work, as well as the notion that pornography and other sexual behaviors are addictive. My theory based on my work, though, is that we live in a society where the majority of people are bisexual and a fringe number of people are either fully straight or fully gay. Many men who watch gay porn are likely part of this larger bisexual category.”

This worries me. I already have my opinions about men with porn addiction seeking help from most traditional therapists. The comment left by this LCSW on my video backs up my concerns and shows how misunderstood porn addiction still is.

Many therapists out there do not understand the concept of porn addiction. They see nothing wrong with men watching porn and masturbating daily. Sure, this might be fine for a normal man but men with porn addiction aren’t like other normal men. 

It’s even more serious for men whose porn use progresses past “vanilla” porn. When they start looking for more provocative genres of pornography, insight from an uninformed therapist can be downright dangerous.

For example, some therapists (like the LCSW who commented on my post) will be quick to brand a man watching gay or trans porn as bi-curious at the very least. However, I’ve worked with hundreds of men who delved into these genres but are as straight as they come. Branding men who are already confused and vulnerable as their sexuality only complicates things further.

Professionally speaking, I’ll admit that every human being exists somewhere on the spectrum from straight to gay. I don’t believe that means the number of people who are either strictly straight or gay are the minority, though. Plenty of men can recognize the attractive aesthetics of another man without identifying as gay.

So, again, does watching gay porn make you gay? I’ve seen from my own experiences working with men addicted to pornography that this oftentimes isn’t the case. You need to cut pornography from your life and begin rebooting before you can make an honest appraisal of that, though. 

Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. There are hundreds of men in the Porn Reboot program who also see a therapist to work through issues outside my scope of expertise. But they spent time vetting the therapist they now work with and ensured it was a therapist who understands the severity of porn addiction and the directions it can progress. 

Seeking help from a therapist who doesn’t understand porn addiction won’t be helpful. They’re more likely to focus on your attraction to men than your issues with porn. From my experience, you need to address your porn issues and let your confused sense of attraction sort itself out during your reboot.

 

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Why You Feel So Hopeless In Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Why You Feel So Hopeless In Your Reboot

A lot of men come to the Porn Reboot program with severe limiting beliefs.

Many of these beliefs originate in childhood then continue developing as you age. They come from traumatic incidents, unhealthy relationships, repeated failure, and more. 

The culmination of these limiting beliefs often results in an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Men arrive at the program worn out, beaten down, and broken, exhausted after years of self-deprecation and repeated inability to control their behavior.

You probably feel this way to some extent.

Maybe you’re thinking something to the effect of, “There’s no point anymore, I’m going to fail no matter what I do.”

I’m here to reassure you, my brother, that that’s not true. You may feel hopeless now but there is a solution in the porn addiction recovery system that can save you from your porn addiction problems and compulsive sexual behavior. Men who adhere to the system find themselves able to control their out-of-control behavior within 90 days and then continue to build better lives for themselves well into the future.

But you don’t have to worry about the future right now, brother. Let’s focus on the present and work through why you feel so hopeless in your reboot. Hopelessness is a feeling that stems from the belief that you’re stuck. You have no reason to feel positive expectations or move toward the future in your life. These beliefs keep you stuck in the same place, creating a downward spiral.

Four main elements create feelings of hopelessness:

  • Victim Mindset: Men with a victim mindset view life as happening to them. They believe that you’re standing on the side of the road watching things happen with little say in how they play out, encouraging feelings of hopelessness.
  • Irresponsibility: Irresponsibility ties into the victim mindset. When a man believes life is happening to him, he’s refusing to take responsibility for the aspects he can control. This refusal to take responsibility further instills hopelessness.
  • Blaming: A man who won’t take responsibility for his circumstances instead looks for someone or something else to blame. He believes he’s in his present situation because of his parents, partner, politics, or whatever else he can think to blame.
  • Powerlessness: Men who blame others for their problems put themselves in a position of powerlessness. Those who see themselves as victims, who won’t take responsibility for their situation, back themselves into a corner with no clear way out.

These four elements combine to create an overwhelming, looming sense of hopelessness. It causes men to lose drive, energy, and motivation. They no longer have hope for the future because it feels like there’s nothing they can do that will make a difference.

Does this sound familiar?

Thankfully there’s a solution to that looming sense of hopelessness. It starts with recognizing that you are responsible for your life. You determine how things go. Sure, you might not have control over certain aspects of life but you have full control over how you respond to them.

It’s up to you to make the adjustments necessary to change your life.

Start by asking yourself questions that will shift your thinking and perspective. 

“How am I causing this?”

“What am I doing to make this my reality?”

“What am I pretending not to know to keep things the way they are?”

These are far better questions than asking yourself why things are happening “to” you.

These questions also encourage self-reflection and your answers give you actionable steps to take, helping you realize that you’re anything but stuck.

Once you take ownership of your life and begin applying solutions, you start to reclaim the control that you spent years giving away. You’ll experience small wins here and there that encourage you to keep going. You’re going to notice your life taking a new direction and likely find that things play out differently than you always expected they would.

As you take responsibility for your life and recognize the areas you can change, your feelings of hopelessness diminish. You’ll feel hopeful for the future when you see just how much say you have in your life. You’re no longer at the mercy of whatever happens; you take your power back and decide how you’re going to respond no matter what may happen.

I understand that you may feel hopeless now, brother, but those feelings will change. You won’t feel stuck forever. Seeking help on  porn addiction counseling asap. It’s difficult to arrive at the Porn Reboot group and recognize how much work there is to do but it’s also empowering to know that you have the power to shift your life.

Are you ready?

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Should You Trust Me?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Should You Trust Me?

Today I want to respond to a concern that I receive from time to time.

I get it in responses on my YouTube videos, comments to the group, and even direct emails from time to time. It may be a question you’ve even thought to yourself before. I never want to assume no one else has this thought aside from those few who bring it up so today I want to address it.

The comment in question reads:

“How can we trust you when you take so much money upfront for your training? Is it a classic narcissistic trick to exploit vulnerable people and then blame them if they fail? I’m not trying to be negative or anything but it’s a genuine concern that I’ve had with you.”

Here’s the thing: you don’t have to trust me. You don’t have to trust anyone, honestly. Anyone who’s followed me for a significant amount of time knows that I say assume B.S. with everything. Second-guess all of it. Whether it’s a podcast, a YouTube video, or an email in your inbox, question anything you see until you know it’s proven to work.

Here’s the other thing: my entire system is free. It’s free on YouTube. It’s free on my podcast. It’s free here on the blog, too. I recently wrote an in-depth set of posts on the stages of the Porn Reboot system as an update to the set I wrote a few months ago.

Of course, these things aren’t tailored to your experience or personalized for you; it’s a general outline of how the Porn Reboot system works for any man who wants to use it. It’s the system I used to overcome my out-of-control behavior with porn and masturbation over a decade ago. Since then, I’ve worked with hundreds of men who used this same system to overcome their behavior, too.

You don’t have to join the Porn Reboot intensive group if you don’t want to. You’ll find none of my necessary content hidden behind a paywall. Everything you could need to overcome your porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior is available on my site, my YouTube channel, my podcast, and my free Facebook group. I don’t charge for any of it.

The system doesn’t change whether you’re in the free group or the Porn Reboot intensive group. The path to rebooting remains the same regardless of which avenue you choose to take. The stages of the Porn Reboot program don’t look any different once you become a paying member of the group.

The difference is that the Porn Reboot intensive is for men who want to take the extra step with their reboot. They want ongoing accountability, regular support calls, and access to an exclusive group of high-performing men working to control their out-of-control behavior. 

They aren’t the trial rebooters who browse my free content but never truly apply these concepts and practices in their lives. The men in the intensive take themselves and their compulsive behavior seriously and back that intensity with their actions.

We deliver results to men whose behaviors cause them to lose much more than the fees we charge. From the relationships they destroy, the careers they tear apart, the business deals they lose out on, what they have to lose far outweighs the cost of the Porn Reboot program. 

I have dozens of high-performing men who come to the program looking for help with little concern for what the cost may be. I work with CEOs on the edge of blowing massive business opportunities. I work with men in line for life-changing promotions that may miss it because of their out-of-control behavior. I work with fathers who are at risk of losing their families because of their behaviors.

Men in these situations think less about the cost of the program and more about the results it will get them. The things they have to lose are worth far more than the price tag attached to the Porn Reboot intensive group. Our program fees are a small price to pay compared to the things on the line for these men.

Here’s another way to look at it: you wouldn’t question why the doctor who treats your cancer charges what he does. Most extensive treatments and surgeries cost more than a person’s life savings. Hospitals charge enormous amounts to provide their services but you wouldn’t hesitate to pay them, you’d seek treatment and then figure it out.

Men who qualify for the porn addiction recovery intensive are looking to treat their porn addiction problems with the same sense of urgency that people with life-threatening illnesses have. They’ve reached a point where their out-of-control behavior is life-threatening in one way or another, whether in terms of their livelihood, their family, or their life itself.

I was at this point when I finally had enough. I knew that if I didn’t do something to get my behavior under control that I was going to destroy everything. I paid the price for a professional intervention because I had reached a place where I was almost gone beyond recall.

If you haven’t reached these types of depths in your porn addiction counseling then you’re a lucky man. There’s a chance you may reach it later on down the road if you don’t find a way to end your behavior. But you might not need to become a member of the Porn Reboot intensive to do that. 

Plenty of Porn Reboot brothers never become paying members in the intensive and still overcome their behavior. They use the content I provide for free and do the work without making excuses. They’re the same type of determined men who join the group but didn’t join for one reason or another, yet they still learned to control their behavior with the Porn Reboot system.

So no, I don’t think you need to trust me. I think if you’re even asking yourself that question then the Porn Reboot intensive isn’t for you. I’ve shared plenty of success stories on my YouTube channel and within the Facebook group for you to know that it works. If you don’t think it’s worth the cost, though, then the Porn Reboot intensive group isn’t right for you.

Still, I welcome you to read some more blog posts, listen to the podcast, watch some videos, and join us in the free Facebook group. Even if you don’t trust me I’d love for you to see what Porn Reboot is all about. I want to help men just like you whether you’re paying me or not. Because helping men get their lives back is where I find my true success and purpose.

Should You Trust Me? Read More »

What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
What to Do if You Missed the Hookup Stage of Your Life

“I’m feeling sad that I missed my hookup phase. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 with the girl I’m still currently with. I’m now about to turn 27. This issue has been weighing on me for a while. I’m starting to realize that porn made me feel like I would still get to have sex with a variety of women. I love my girlfriend very much but there is no getting around the fact that I still want to have sex with other women. 

“I feel like I have two options. One, I can accept that she’s the only girl I will ever have sex with and potentially regret that. Or two, I could leave her in favor of living out the hookup phase that I feel like I missed out on, but I may regret that later on. I don’t want to lose her just so I can have casual sex with women that may not even be as great as I imagine.

“Will I be able to make peace with the fact that she’s the only one I will be with, or will I have to accept this unfading feeling of regret? I’m frustrated with myself for not sacking up and being with some women while I was younger, before getting into a serious relationship. Does anyone have any advice?”

This brother brings a great question to the table. It’s something lots of men who get married while young find themselves feeling once they end their out-of-control behavior. If you missed the hookup stage of your life, you likely compensated for it with porn and masturbation. But once you remove these things, you’re faced with the reality of your choices.

Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer this question. Input from some of the brothers in the program may help but you’re the one who must live with your decision for the rest of your life. It’s useful to talk to men in similar situations and hear their experiences. However, no one is exactly like you and you need to choose for yourself.

First, I want to point out that pornography isn’t the reason you want to have sex with many women. Biology is responsible for that. Biologically speaking, you’re wired to spread your genes by fertilizing as many females as possible. Unfortunately, pornography hijacked this natural mechanism and magnified it to an unrealistic point.

Second, this brother mentions that he missed his “hookup phase.” I want to point out that there are brothers in the porn addiction recovery  group in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s who are having sex with multiple women. Your “hookup phase” is only over when you decide that it is. Our brother is only 27 – far from missing the window for having casual sex.

Personally, I don’t believe it is wrong to sleep with multiple women as long as you’re not leading anyone astray or being dishonest about your intentions. While some men see casual sex as an empty and unfulfilling engagement, I see it as the exact opposite. I never felt empty after having sex with a woman I wasn’t dating; I felt masculine, powerful, and primal.

I’ve now been in a relationship with a woman for 12 years, though, and have left my casual sex days behind. It’s not because I’m no longer attracted to other women but I was ready for the next season of my life. I made the conscious decision to let go of casual sex in favor of this next phase.

I had some time in my life when I had wild encounters with different women. It was a great time exploring myself through these different experiences. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. But I also reached a point where I was ready to leave those escapades behind because I found a woman who was worth letting go of those casual relationships for.

No one could tell me what the right decision or right timing was. Only I could determine that for myself. Through the porn addiction counseling process, I learned what was true for me and that enabled me to make choices that I feel no regrets about.

I assure you it’s not as late as you think. There isn’t only one woman in the world who is right for you. If you believe you’ll live the rest of your life regretting not engaging with more women, take the risk and experience it. Unless you’re married with kids you likely don’t have much to lose.

If that doesn’t sit well with you, though, then coming to terms with your situation doesn’t have to be filled with regret either. Pour yourself into building a deeper relationship and a stronger sense of intimacy with your partner. It’s likely you haven’t even scratched the surface of what you can develop together.

There is no right or wrong answer to feeling like you missed the hookup phase; there is only the answer that works for your particular situation. Don’t let the opinions or judgments of others get in the way of what you know to be true for you. As you progress in your reboot, the truth will be made clear to you and you’ll know which direction to go.

Until then, brother, you can find support in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group. You can throw yourself into building different areas of your reboot capital. There is so much more to life than sex. You have so many opportunities and experiences awaiting you. Don’t neglect those as you wait for clarity on this one part! 

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Why You Need Standards in The Porn Reboot Program

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Why You Need Standards in The Porn Reboot Program

There are lots of misconceptions surrounding the terms values, principles, and standards.

Other times people simply think they’re the same thing. Each term is similar and all three are related but there are unique differences that separate them.

Values are your long-lasting beliefs on certain issues and things that are important to you. They are essentially the foundation of your principles. Some examples of values are integrity, compassion, patience, and generosity.

Principles are indisputable, unchanging rules you hold that are based on your values. For example, “treat others the way you want to be treated” is a principle. Another one I apply in my life is “don’t dip your pen in company ink”, meaning don’t get involved with women at your work.

Standards are actions or behaviors that you expect yourself to live up to based on your values and principles. These include things like working hard, being rigorously honest, committing to your physical well-being, and supporting your family. 

How do values, principles, and standards play a role in your reboot?

Oftentimes I notice that people tend to pick up values, principles, or standards because they think they sound cool. They hear someone they admire or respect throw one of these things out and so they adopt it without thinking. However, if that value, principle, or standard doesn’t align with your truth, it’s not going to hold up over time.

Values, principles, and standards are all very personal things. You can’t simply look at someone else and take theirs as your own. Sure, there will always be some crossover between you and other people. But the system as a whole will differ slightly from person to person.

There isn’t necessarily a “right” or “wrong” way to approach these things. Everyone has a different way of thinking and believing. Our value systems are shaped by factors like the society you live in, the area you grow up in, your family, and your friends. At first, you’ll likely share some similar values, principles, and standards with those around you. Over time, though, you may start to recognize where the values you learned when you were young don’t align with how you see the world as an adult.

As you grow up, you develop a set of values and principles that fit with your beliefs. This results in a set of standards that you live your life by. An important distinction between values and principles and standards is that standards are very personal. People often try to impose their standards on others and it leads to problems. Values and principles are used to determine who you surround yourself with but standards aren’t something you can force others to adhere to.

I’ve talked about values and principles before and their importance in the reboot process. I don’t think I’ve dedicated enough attention to standards, though, and that’s what I want to focus on today. Developing standards is a crucial part of your reboot and I want to help you begin that process.

1. You must create personal standards that you adhere to at all times.

There is no avoiding developing a set of standards as a man in porn addiction recovery, sex, and masturbation. You cannot live a directionless life free from personal standards, nor can you simply adopt the standards of those around you. 

Your standards inform your decisions, from the job you take to the people you spend time with. If you don’t have standards you’ll be left to react to whatever happens around you. Successful men who are strong in their convictions do not live a reactionary life. They develop a set of standards and stick to them without question.

2. Recognize that your standards are not goals.

Some men mistake standards for goals. They believe that they’re ideals to work towards at some point in the future. However, standards are not something off in the distance. They should inform your life as it is right now in the present moment. Your standards serve as the filter for your decision-making and behaviors.

Every time a decision comes up you should run it by your personal standards. Does going out to the strip club with your buddies align with your standards for maintaining your reboot? Does slacking off at work align with the type of man you’re working to become? These aren’t distant decisions; they are happening right now and your standards inform your choices.

3. Your standards are yours and yours alone.

Again, standards are a personal framework for living. Standards are something you determine for yourself based on your values and principles. They are not something you impose on your friends and family. Nor are they something you adopt from the people around you. 

Drawing your standards from others leads to a dishonest life. Imposing your standards on others creates unrealistic expectations that will inevitably be unmet at some point. Your standards should work for you and you alone and serve as the driving force for your actions, not for others.

4. Standards are for personal fulfillment, not for impressing others.

Do not outline standards that you think will impress others. Even if they are aligned with your values and principles, standards aren’t a tool for boosting your ego. You’re still developing a dishonest set of standards if you approach them this way.

Instead, outline standards that leave you feeling personally fulfilled. They should be a framework for living that lets you put your head on the pillow at night knowing that you’re being true to yourself. Ultimately, the most important part of living a successful life is ensuring your thoughts and actions align with your beliefs. Standards are the way to ensure that happens.

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Women Ghosting You During Your Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Women Ghosting You During Your Reboot

Today’s post is for the single brothers out there who are getting back into dating and having some trouble. A brother in our group asked:

“Hey, J.K., I’ve noticed something as I’ve been meeting women and starting to date again. Whether it’s a girl I’ve dated casually for a few months or just a girl I’ve been texting with, women eventually start to ghost me. They just disappear. I’m now starting to assume that every woman I talk to will eventually ghost me. How can I balance having low expectations without indirectly negatively impacting my future opportunities with women?”

Regardless of your past experiences, brother, I don’t think you should have low expectations when it comes to dating women. I think that there aren’t enough men who understand what is going on in a woman’s world. I see it all the time with men who first start dating again after separating from their compulsive behavior, and they’re thoughts I struggled with, too.

Women grow up in a very different world than men do. They grow up in a world where they are fearful of being judged. They grow up in a world where they are at risk of being hurt or sexually assaulted. This means the way they communicate with men is much different than the ways that men communicate with each other.

Over time, I started realizing that many women don’t see the men they’re communicating with on apps or dating sites as “real” until she meets them in person. If she’s swiping on Tinder or has a profile on Plenty of Fish, you’re not the only man she’s talking to. She has all sorts of men throwing themselves at her. Chances are she has many more prospects than you do.

Oftentimes guys are far too communicative and it causes the girl to lose interest. If you’re available all the time it tells her that you don’t have anything interesting going on in your life. You shouldn’t have time to sit around sending walls of text all day. There’s no need to get yourself that invested when you haven’t even met her in person yet.

I don’t recommend spending a ton of time chit-chatting over text when you get a woman’s number. Get her number and set up the first date as soon as possible. You want to engage with her in person sooner rather than later so you become something more than just another name on the list on her phone. The sooner you meet up with her the better.

At the end of the day, though, dating in this day and age is a numbers game. You need to put in the numbers and let the results work themselves out. You’ll probably reach out to 20 or 30 women just to meet up with only two or three of them. I know it seems like a lot but that’s part of the process if you want to get back into the dating game.

There isn’t much you can do to keep a woman from ghosting you aside from maintaining her interest. Don’t make yourself overly available, meet up with her in person within a few days of initiating contact, and let the rest play out. 

Both men and women have essentially instant access to hundreds of people for attention and validation. You shouldn’t take it personally when a woman ghosts you. That’s unfortunately just part of the dating process now whether we like it or not. All you can do is keep from investing too heavily into any one woman right away. If you’re overly invested you’ll find yourself feeling hurt if she ghosts.

Instead, continue focusing on yourself, brother. Keep building reboot capital or Pornography Addiction Counseling as you get back into the dating phase. If a woman cancels on you, you have plenty of other things to do. It’s no skin off your back because you’re building a life that’s worth waiting for the right one. You don’t need to take whatever you can get; there’s always another woman out there to meet with.

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When Should You Seek Porn Addiction Counseling?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
When Should You Seek Porn Addiction Counseling?

What do you think of when you think of getting help for mental health problems?

If you answered counseling, you’re like the majority of people throughout the country.

Counseling is the go-to solution for a wide range of mental health struggles. From depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder and substance use disorder, counseling is a primary form of treatment. Working through problems in a safe environment where you can express your deepest thoughts is a crucial part of healing.

It would make sense to think that porn addiction counseling is a go-to method for overcoming compulsive problems with porn and masturbation too, right? While many people seek the help of counselors, therapists, and psychologists for their porn addiction, I don’t fully agree with the practice.

Look through any medical journal and you’ll still find a plethora of conflicting opinions on the “validity” of porn addiction. Some clinicians suggest that pornography addiction isn’t really an addiction at all. They propose various other explanations for this type of compulsive behavior.

Some people who seek porn addiction counseling receive a much different service than they anticipated. I find that too many therapists dig too deep into underlying causes while neglecting to put enough focus on porn itself. How does counseling for pornography addiction typically work for people struggling to control their porn use?

Porn Addiction and Mental Health Treatment

Mental health treatment still seems to have mixed views and beliefs about pornography addiction. For example, the World Health Organization confirmed compulsive sexual behavior as a mental disorder in 2019.1 Although they did not specify porn addiction as a diagnosis, they do refer to repetitive sexual behaviors.

However, the American Psychiatric Association continues to reject compulsive sexual behavior as a diagnosable condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).2 The DSM is the psychologist’s version of the Bible, yet it still does not recognize porn addiction, or general compulsive sexual behavior, as a “real” problem.

Should You Seek Porn Addiction Counseling?

The same confusion and mixed beliefs are rampant in the counseling community. Many brothers who are part of the Porn Reboot program initially sought a solution from therapists and counselors. They believed that a counselor could help them with their problem, and understandably so.

However, porn addiction counseling often turns out to not be the same helpful solution it should be. Counselors dig into root causes and often derail men from receiving an actionable solution. This is especially important for men struggling with illegal or harmful genres of porn or compulsive sexual behaviors.

During the years of working with men to help them overcome their compulsive sexual behavior, I’ve found that immediate action is often necessary. The root causes and deep-seated issues can be handled at a later date; their porn addiction and the fallout it’s creating is the most pressing issue in the beginning.

Porn Addiction Counseling Alternatives

As clinicians continue disagreeing on the truth of porn addiction, it holds people back from the help they desperately need. Thankfully, there are some alternatives to porn addiction counseling that seem to be more effective.

One option is porn addiction recovery groups, such as 12-step groups. These programs outline a path of recovery from porn addiction, as well as other substance and behavioral addictions. While they are not my preferred method for overcoming porn addiction, they do help thousands of people every year.

Online communities are another form of finding support when trying to overcome porn addiction. Oftentimes these groups are filled with people using methods like NoFap or semen retention. These forced abstinence approaches are somewhat closer to a more effective approach, but I still find they miss the mark in providing actionable help for lasting results.

Porn Reboot vs. Porn Addiction Counseling

The Porn Reboot program is the only thing that has helped me in my journey to end my out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Porn addiction counseling and therapy weren’t helpful. NoFap proved unsuccessful. I tried the willpower method, too, and failed every time.

I developed the Porn Reboot system through my own experiences by trial and error. I assessed what worked and what didn’t, and developed a system from it. I realized that all efforts to control my porn addiction problems through willpower were of no use. I needed to work with my body instead of against it.

This led to the Porn Reboot system that’s used today by thousands of men. It has helped men end their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. It has equipped them with the tools to rebuild the lives that porn addiction stole from them. It has enabled them to develop strong relationships, perform in exceptional careers, and become standup members of their communities.

The Porn Reboot system can help you, too. If you’re wondering whether porn addiction counseling is for you, I invite you to join us in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group. Find out what we’re about and see whether our approach may work for you, too. We’ll ensure you never need to struggle alone again, brother; we’ll be here every step of the way.

References

  1. National Center on Sexual Exploitation. (2019). World Health Organization Confirms Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder to be in ICD-11.
  2. Addiction. (2016). Diagnosis of hypersexual or compulsive sexual behavior can be made using ICD-10 and DSM-5 despite rejection of this diagnosis by the American Psychiatric Association.

 

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Humor, Healing & Growth: Porn Addiction Recovery Insights with Porn Reboot Program

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Humor, Healing & Growth: Porn Addiction Recovery Insights with Porn Reboot Program

I like to find or make funny memes and post them in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot Facebook group about once a week. Like a lot of others, I find that humor is a great way to cope with topics and experiences that can be difficult and painful at times. So our weekly memes are something that brothers in the group often look forward to.

A couple of weeks ago I made a meme that I thought was pretty funny. It was a picture of Mr. Clean, that bald white mascot for a cleaning company, wringing water out a sponge. The caption on the image said, “Your wife’s panties after hearing you decided to quit pornography and join Porn Reboot.”

It was pretty hilarious if I do say so myself, and lots of guys in the group thought it was great, too. We spent so many years more interested in porn than sex with our wives or partners. Lots of us struggled with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, too. No wonder our spouse is excited when we’re finally ready to quit porn. And any man with the same experience can relate. 

But some brothers had some choice words in response.

“Bad. Just bad.”

“What little interest I had in joining your program is gone now.”

“Completely unprofessional.”

“Do you wanna be taken seriously?”

“You charge folks for porn reboot coaching and you post this crap?”

“Apologize to the group and take it down right now.”

I was astounded at how many people were offended by a simple joke. I didn’t think it would cause that much of a problem. But it also got me thinking about what being offended by things means at a deeper level.

It reminds me of when I was a confused Catholic guy in my 20s. During my freshman year of college, I remember watching drunk girls come home with a guy and judging them. Night after night I sat with my friends calling these women all sorts of names, but then went back to my dorm room and angrily jerked off at the same girls I judged.

I judged women I couldn’t be with. I judged comedians who made vulgar jokes on late-night television about different actresses and celebrities. And then I would masturbate while thinking of whatever woman made me angry earlier.

Over time I realized that I wasn’t actually angry at these women or those jokes.

I was really just angry at myself.

I was upset at my lack of sexual control and how quickly I betrayed my perceived values. Those things that I thought made me angry really just aroused shame, guilt, and jealousy. It wasn’t the world that had the problem, it was me. I was the one with a messed-up view of the world, looking at everything through the lens of my porn-addled brain.

Lots of the men in the Porn Reboot program grew up in households held together by Catholicism or Christianity. We weren’t taught that sexual jokes are okay. And then our closet porn addiction stunted our ability to relate with women, but we believed our lack of sexual experience was their problem.

I spent so much time placing blame on others that I never bothered to consider the common denominator every time I was offended: me. I was the one finding fault in everything when really I was the one at fault.

I imagine the brothers who lashed out at the simple, silly meme I posted are dealing with something similar. Many of us share similar experiences and they’re probably dealing with underlying self-loathing, shame, and guilt. They haven’t yet employed the tools we use in the Porn Reboot program to determine the source of these feelings.

Instead, they lash out at perceived offenses or injustices. They allow external circumstances to dictate their internal condition. And I know from experience because I did the same thing. Thankfully, I learned to respond to situations and circumstances, not react. It isn’t an overnight process but it’s possible.

If you’re struggling with finding offense in everything around you, then your reboot will help. Porn Reboot is about so much more than pornography. Sure, porn addiction is what gets you in the door but you’ll find more than that waiting for you once you commit to the process. Freeing yourself from the need to feel offended is one of the most important things you can do. Join us today and find out for yourself just how incredible that freedom can be.

Humor, Healing & Growth: Porn Addiction Recovery Insights with Porn Reboot Program Read More »

Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot

Porn Addiction Counseling / By
Honesty in Relationship Recovery: Balancing Transparency for Successful Reboot

I want to bring you a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group today. He asked:

“My girlfriend and I decided that to protect her heart, I don’t share anything about my reboot slip-ups unless she specifically asks exactly what she wants to know. Sometimes when we’re catching up about our days, though, I’ll have acted out that day. Like she’ll ask how my midday nap was but I watched porn instead of taking a nap. I feel horrible lying to her but I want to keep our agreement. How do I handle this?”

This is a fantastic question because it’s something many men in committed relationships deal with during their reboot. Many spouses and partners of men with a porn addiction problem experience extreme betrayal trauma. 

When a man first ends his out-of-control behavior with porn, sometimes his spouse wants to know where he is going and what he is doing at all times. She wants to know whether he’s still watching porn, what type of porn, or what the women he’s watching look like. These women feel unbelievably hurt and for good reason. 

This brother’s question means he and his girlfriend are in a good position given the situation. She is aware of his out-of-control behavior and he understands how his behavior hurts her. It sounds like she’s allowing him enough space to work on his reboot without her getting too invested or involved.

However, it also sounds like this brother is someone trapped by the idea that he needs to be honest at all costs. I don’t hold to this belief, especially when it comes to the reboot process. I don’t believe you should lie to your partner but I also don’t think you need to tell her about every slip that occurs.

I think you should have a conversation with her upfront instead. Let her know that slips are often part of the reboot process but you don’t want to put her in the middle of things. Explain that you have a coach, a therapist, and accountability partners to work through those slips with. Tell her you understand that she didn’t sign up to be your accountability partner, nor did she sign up to be hurt. Acknowledge the damage you’ve done and help her see how talking with her about any future slips will only do more harm than good.

If you’re honest about the possibility of slips from the beginning, it eliminates the need to feel like you’re lying by omission. You shouldn’t drag your partner through the weeds every time you slip; it’s your responsibility to fix it and keep her from dealing with the repercussions of your behavior.

Find a way to discuss situations like the one our brother outlined above without bringing up the slip. For example, he could tell her that he had a lot on his mind when he laid down so he wasn’t able to go to sleep. 

He doesn’t need to bring up watching porn because it’s ultimately irrelevant. He should talk about the emotions that led up to the slip instead. Perhaps he was tired from the gym or stressed about an intense workload. He could bring these things up and talk them through with his girlfriend so he is honest without needing to talk about his slip.

I recommend you do the same in your relationship, brother. It’s not your partner’s burden to bear, it’s yours. You must find a way to work on your behavior without stringing her along through the process. You don’t need to be completely transparent about every slip but you do need to let her in on what’s going on.

Knowing the fine balance of how much to share is something you learn during the reboot process. Over time you won’t deal with slips as frequently, either, so you won’t have to keep skirting around the topic. The Porn Reboot system works, brother, and both you and your partner will benefit from the work you do.

 

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