How To Quit Porn
Hi, I am J.K. Emezi.
I help ambitious men to quit their sexually, out of control behavior like porn, masturbation, and sex addiction so that you can maximize your life, perform at your potential and remain in the driver’s seat which is what you need to do in order to have or maintain the success that you want in life.
Now, I wanna ask you if you ever experienced any of these challenges. For instance, have you ever been in a situation where due to your out of control sexual behavior, you experienced any of these symptoms? I’m going to list them out for you.
Do you sometimes find yourself feeling lost as if you really have no idea what you want to do in life and this been goin’ on for a while?
Do you have no real focus path for where your life is headed?
Do you feel like a fraud sometimes? Like, everyone thinks you’re this nice, normal, confident, responsible or funny guy but in reality, if they found out the sort of nasty, porn that you watch, they would be absolutely shocked.
Have you been facing the challenge of second-guessing every decision that you make? Like you start something, then halfway through, you just quit and decide that you’re going to do something else. And then you end up having this life history of starting things and never finishing them.
Maybe you’ve been using porn or sex to cope with stress and anxiety in your life. You know, you’re dealing with a situation that’s out of your control and the only way to feel better about it or to relax is by watching porn and masturbating.
Do you feel a lot of regret after using porn because you feel like you have no control over your urges when they take over? Like you’re promising yourself that you’ll stop, but you’re constantly letting yourself down.
Have you started feeling like you’re becoming more awkward in your social life?
More withdrawn and spending more and more time alone and disconnected from those around you?
Or, you feel that you have no drive or motivation to accomplish anything in life? You know you have a lot of potential but you’re really doing nothing about it. Maybe you suffer from PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction) which is holding you back from your relationships. Basically, you can’t get an erection unless you’re watching pornography.
Have you gotten to a point where you feel that you’ve started really wrong things? And those are the only kind of things that get you aroused.
Do you feel that you have constant mood swings and fatigue? Like you’re tired all the time.
Do you find that you hate yourself and that you have a lot of self-loathing? You’re constantly thinking that others are much better than you? Now that was a long list of different ways you could feel but I struggled with all of these issues as well.
See I was exposed to pornography at the age of eight. And I began using it compulsively when I was 13. Now by the time I turned 18, I was pretty much a full-blown porn addict.
I remember thinking that I had a problem when I was about 20 years old and I started going to college just totally exhausted because I would watch porn for hours and hours all night looking for that perfect scene. And sometimes I would masturbate, four or five times a night.
Eventually, I discovered live cam sites and began spending my entire paycheck on watching my favorite cam girls strip. I was so seduced by them, and many times, you know because I was socially awkward and I wasn’t good at talking to women, the women on these cam sites, they gave my ego a boost.
You know they were good looking and they told me that I was attractive. And before I knew it, I had just reached a limit for the amount that I could spend that day. I think back then it was about $100.
Click here to find out if you are addicted to porn.
So, I’d been trying to quit for a few years but I only started to so seriously when I turned 22. And I realized that my sexual behavior was escalating. Basically, sex with women was not enough for me. It just wasn’t exciting enough. That thrill just wasn’t there. I didn’t feel an adrenaline rush from being with a woman.
I needed porn and I needed really disturbing porn. I need the cam sites. And I started looking for sexual encounters beyond my relationships with women that I was seeing.
You know, I tried meditation. I tried mindfulness. I got into SAA and 12 step groups. I used my will power. I bought all sorts of books on changing your habits and replacing one habit with another habit. I tried working on my issues from the past through therapy. I had group therapy. I even joined these spiritual groups for men which promised to rid men of all their issues from the past.
Now, some of these things gave me relief. Sometimes I even felt, “you know what, this is it. I’m going to quit porn this time.”
And many of these approaches that I tried helped me stay off porn for really long periods of time like 80 days, three weeks. But I always relapsed. Eventually, I stopped trying to quit in 90 days. I realized that this might actually take a while and I accepted that. So I spent the next two years tracking my slips, my relapses, and studying others who had successfully recovered. Now, I’m a very driven person and I realized that many ambitious men actually secretly struggled with an out of control sexual behavior.
But the one difference between them and the other men who struggled was that they actually had a focus and a purpose in life that was bigger than the pain they were medicating with sex or porn, a purpose that was bigger than they need to orgasm. They also realized that they would never achieve anything worthwhile as men while they struggled with addiction.
I learned that many of the things that were holding me back in life were connected to my out of control sexual behavior. So I was basically using this behavior because it was the only coping mechanism that I had available to deal with my pain. So instead of developing skills to deal with adversity, you know, like loneliness, stress, strong emotions, conflict, I reached for porn. Now all these things, stress, loneliness, strong emotion, and conflict, ironically these are things that every man, especially ambitious men need to overcome in life to become somebody.
Now, I’m not talking about becoming somebody for the world or for society, I literally mean somebody that you can look in the mirror and be proud of and say you know what, in my own way, as a man, I fought my battles and I won and now I can stand tall and proud among other men knowing that I’ve earned my place. Not, and I can pay that price every day. You know the speaker, Rory Vaden said, “Success is never owned, only rented. “And that rent is due every day.”
And you know, once I understood this and the biological reasons for my addicted behavior, something clicked within me. And I knew that I found a solution that would not only end that behavior, but that would actually fuel my ambition and my eventual success. And to be honest with you, it did. And it did so many times over.
Do you know how sometimes you, you dream of being a certain type of man or living a specific type of lifestyle, just you know just dream movie, almost movie-like lifestyles?
Well, the result I got from overcoming my out of control sexual behavior gave me the keys to living the life that I wanted.
Now first off, my self-confidence grew. As I perfected my recovery system, I began to experience small, little wins. Like you know for the first time in my life, I was able to actually start a self-improvement project that required months of consistent work and I actually complete it. Now once I figured out that recovery could be self-development, then I went crazy with it. So I focused on my biggest sticking points which, at that point was really social anxiety and motivation.
Now six years ago, I would die at the prospect of standing in front of a camera and talking about sexual issues that I had because I come from a relatively conservative background. But I was learning skills which I used to deal with my pain, instead of using sex and porn to deal with it.
So, the more that I applied these skills, the better results I experienced and over time, my social anxiety went from like 90% which is really bad to something like 5%. So, it’s still there. The only difference is that I can act in spite of me. And my recovery taught me that motivation is not external. It’s literally within you. You were born with the ability to be self-reliant and we’ve been born into a modern world that actually gives us all sorts of crutches to lean on.
Now, this self-motivation became almost like the superpower that I could turn on within myself and it made me believe that I could accomplish anything that I put my mind to.
Now, of course, I set realistic goals and I started to go for them. So in the summer of 2012, I was in a happy relationship. I was running my own business. I’ve been in control of my sexual behavior for a while. No porn, no masturbation, for a few years actually.
And I realized that I had actually stumbled onto something that had improved my life drastically. And, maybe I was taking it for granted. You know maybe I was just lucky. Maybe certain life circumstances came together and just you know, put me in a position to recover.
But, I just couldn’t help but wonder how many other men like me were out there and this was actually their solution. So I started writing anonymously about my experience and my system on a blog online.
Within two years, that blog had blown up and thousands of followers and men started asking me to work with them one on one. So, I started teaching my system of recovery.
Now within three to six months, men who had struggled with porn and sex addiction for most of their lives were gaining control over their behavior in the same way that I had. Men who had social anxiety couldn’t believe how social they had become and it’s a very exhilarating and liberating feeling to naturally come out of your shell.
Do you know? Guys who are always demotivated and getting tired every time they tried to go for their goals were getting work done in less time than they ever had. So, their focus and drive had increased. So many men wanted to give back to the world. They wanted to contribute and help others. But, they were stuck because they couldn’t even help themselves. When I began hearing back from men, six months later telling me that they found what they were going to do in life and many times, it actually involved serving other men.
You know others just wanted a solid, happy, you know a stable relationship with a good woman and they got it. A lot of them were normal guys. Great personalities, good looking but they never had much success with women. As their anxiety reduced and their confidence increased, they actually found that missing piece and truly became attractive men.
And many men also wanted to be financially successful, so many. They wanted good careers. A huge number of them wanted to be entrepreneurs. But they knew that unless they learned how to manage loneliness, stress, their emotions, and conflict, they could never succeed at running their own business. It was impossible!
So, my system taught them how to replace their unhealthy pornography and sexual habits with the skills that they could actually use to become ambitious, successful, fulfilled and happy men. So basically, the energy that they were using for porn, started to be used for growth. Now, unfortunately, today, many treatment professionals still don’t believe that porn or sex addiction exists and many that do have ineffective treatment methods. That’s just the truth.
Click here to read 10 Reasons Why Highly Successful People Don’t Seek Help for Sex & Porn Addiction
Just like, you know how back in the day, when doctors cosigned on cigarette and tobacco use, many medical professionals still advocate actions which are hurting people and destroying lives. Here are a few examples of some of the things that you still hear which are just ludicrous to me.
The first is that masturbation is healthy.
Now, it’s important to know that masturbation is a normal human function, okay? There’s nothing wrong with it.
However, the old way of thinking doesn’t take into account the fact that most masturbation today is done with the aid of online pornography which leads to altering your natural masturbation pattern and masturbation combined with high-speed internet, becomes a tool that alters the way that you’re aroused. The way that you’re naturally turned on.
Another one that we hear often is that porn can enhance your relationship.
Now for a small number of couples, it actually does. But for the vast majority, however, porn ends up creating unrealistic expectations in the relationship. It leads to infidelity or cheating and it also trains a couple to perhaps engage in sexual behavior which might break the emotional bond. Such as swinging or engaging in different sorts of fantasies.
Now sex and porn addiction are a result of guilt. That’s a big one.
Now some professionals still talk about porn addiction being a label picked up by religious individuals struggling with their guilt. And I actually happened to believe that there are some people who label themselves as porn or sex addicts because of religious or cultural guilt. And when they come through my practice and get professionally evaluated, I let them know that you know what, you’re not an addict but I would like you guys to know that this is a very negligible demographic.
They’re not many.
Now there’s another group that says that there’s good porn and I’ve started seeing this recently and usually from people who are trying to take advantage of porn addicts. They claim that porn has become you know worse, more violent, it’s easily accessible which is true. It’s very demeaning to women and so on. And their solution is to create what they call healthy porn or good porn. Now, this is the same thing as people saying that the problem with cigarettes is nicotine so we’re going to start vaping. First off, while vaping is definitely safer than smoking a cigarette, there’s no conclusive evidence that points to it being safe. Also, it doesn’t get to the root of the problem. Why do you need to vape all the time?
Now good porn is still porn and it becomes a substitute for a porn addict and besides, everyone who’s ever been hooked on porn knows that you don’t just go back to the plain, vanilla porn that you, you know once you’ve progressed and gotten past the certain level of explicit material, you’re either in to porn at a certain point or you’re not.
Now in terms of recovery, the most popular method out there is based on will power.
So you know guys make a decision to not masturbate or fap for 90 days or one year or forever. Now this works but again, only for a very small subsection of people. Yes, you know using your will power and certain techniques can help you rewire or reboot your brain. But the vast majority of men simply don’t have the will power to do so.
A large number of people are also using pornography to medicate an emotion or a feeling. It could be stress, emotional discomfort, lack of an intimate connection with another human being, or loneliness, conflict in their life. You know like being unsure of their values or principles in life. And if these issues are not addressed, no matter how long a man stays off porn, he will relapse.
So after all of this, what is the solution?
Now since my recovery, I’ve worked with over 1,200 men. And I’ve noticed that there are seven things that those who are fully recovered and actually living amazing and fulfilling lives do. And I’m going to share these things with you today.
The first is that they accept that they have a problem and they don’t minimize it.
Listen, if you don’t take a serious look at yourself in the mirror, if you don’t humble yourself and admit that you don’t have control over your behavior with pornography, you’ll always struggle with it.
All my successful clients realize that as tough as it might be to admit that they had an addiction, everything would become so much simpler if they did.
So for a temporary period of time, they treated it like a big deal. They made recovery their priority. And after that time, they were done with pornography forever. Now you may also still be holding on because you don’t know what you could maybe replace porn within your life.
Let me assure you brother, there is always something more healthy that can replace porn in your life.
They have a morning routine. This is the second thing.
Now men who work with me who have successfully quit porn, I’ve noticed they all start their days right. So instead of struggling with their urges throughout the day, they put aside time in the morning to prepare themselves for the entire day.
That way, they know that whether they have strong urges or not during the day, they have all the tools and skills necessary to help them.
And this usually involves them waking up early, writing out their recovery goals, journaling, working on exercises which improve their connection with their emotions. And also exercises which help them manage their urges and identify them, how’d they call it, the motivations behind their problems with porn and sex.
They also are involved in gratitude exercises in the morning what they are thankful for, meditation, some of them pray and they use a few other tools. They don’t necessarily do all these things. But they pick what’s most effective and consistently prepare their minds for having an amazing porn free day.
The third thing is that they have a filter or a deterrent.
And this means that they have a filter installed in all their devices. We all know that filters can be bypassed. But a point of a filter is to do two things. The first is to buy you time and the second is to provide accountability. And this is why I highly recommend Covenant Eyes.
Because it not only provides filtering services but allows an accountability partner to actually monitor your activity online.
Next is that they have accountability.
Now every man who has worked with me and who have successfully overcome their porn addiction has included accountability in their life for a period of time, they have someone who helps them stay on track with their recovery.
Now whether it’s via text, phone calls or some sort of app, they incorporate accountability into their recovery from porn use.
Next is that they are part of a healthy, preferably recovery-based community.
Now porn addiction thrives in secrecy. There’s a lot of shame and guilt involved. And the people whom you associate with, they have a huge impact on your behavior. So men who have successfully quit porn are part of the recovery community. Maybe it’s SAA, Sex Addicts Anonymous, a 12 steps groups or a mentoring group or a men’s group.
The purpose is to show them that they are not alone in their struggle and it also provides them with healthy, masculine support.
Next is that they have a coach or mentor.
And this could be online, it could be through a book, whatever it is. Now obviously, these men are my clients, then they’ve worked with me at some point.
But they have the direct support of someone who is either overcome this addiction, who can guide them along the right path or a person who is professionally trained to guide them to a life free of addiction from pornography and out of control sexual behaviors and they’re willing to invest in that.
Now personally, over the years of my recovery, I invested thousands of dollars to not just understand my addiction but to catch up on the areas of life that I’d actually lost through to pornography.
You know I saw that most successful people in their fields had coaches. So I did what they did. I invested in learning how to build healthy relationships with women; I invested in learning how to manage my money better; I invested in training myself to be more mentally tough and disciplined and I did all these things by seeking out professionals who had accomplished these things in their lives.
And as a result, I saved years when it came to building the life that I wanted. So a mentor or a coach can save you an immense amount of time. And every man that I’ve worked with that not only quit porn but came closer to achieving their potential, invested in a coach or a mentor in different areas of their life.
Still not convinced that you need a coach or mentor? Read my article on “10 Reasons Why You Need a Coach or Mentor”
Now finally, they constantly learned about themselves and their addiction.
Men who successfully quit porn took the time to fully understand how porn affects the brain and their lives. They studied; They read books; They watched videos; They educated themselves and some of them even became experts on themselves.
This is part of taking responsibility for their problem. They didn’t put all their faith in one person or in a system to help them. They also strive to understand the problem and the different approaches to overcoming it.
Now while these are the seven things that I’ve noticed that guys who successfully quit porn have done, there are two more things that I gotta talk about and these are the two things that actually hold guys back from overcoming their porn addiction.
And the first one, which I’ve mentioned several times is minimizing your problem. So many guys, it’s been six years, eight years, nine years, 12 years, 20 years, and they still haven’t admitted that they have no control over it.
I have guys emailing me and they tell me, “Hey JK, I don’t really have an addiction. I have more like a dependency on porn”, “Or I have more like a bad porn habit.”
I’m like, “Dude, you’ve been struggling with this thing for 22 years. You have a very serious problem and you’re still minimizing it.”
It’s not a bad habit. It’s something that is out of your control and until you accept the fact that it’s a big deal, nothing’s really gonna happen. You could watch all the videos, you could read all the books, you’re not gonna help yourself.
And the next is, they think that they can do this on their own.
Now is it possible to quit porn addiction on your own? Yes, just as it’s possible to quit any addiction on your own, but you must understand that it’s only a very small, minority of people who achieve this.
If you’ve noticed your life passing you by, let’s say you’ve lost relationships, you’re getting older, you’re losing money, your kids are looking at you and going like wow what kind of dad do I have? If so many things are happening in your life and the years are passing you by, you’re losing your focus, you have no motivation in life, your dick is not working anymore, if these things are happening and you’re still thinking, you know what I can do this on my own. You’re on the forums and you’re online, believing in yourself. You’ve tried to quit.
Guys call me and they are like, “Yeah man, I’ve been trying to do this on my own for a while.”
And I’m like, “Well, what’s the longest amount of time that you’ve spent off porn?”, “What’s your longest streak?”
And they will be like, “Well, 17 days. “And how long have you been trying to quit?” “Like four years.”
So in four years, you’ve achieved 17 days. And then after that, maybe you achieve, a week. After that maybe two weeks. But it’s never anything that’s lasting a long time. It’s never anything that’s producing serious results in your life. Listen, if you’re one of these guys that keeps starting and stopping, it’s time to stop believing that you can do this on your own.
Humble yourself and get help, from a therapist, from a professional. There all kinds of programs out there. Get some help. Admit that you have a problem. You are not an island. No man is an island. You’re not a lone wolf. We are human beings and human being need help.
Now here’s the first thing to do. The first thing that you need to do to quit porn is very simple. Decide what you want. Decide why you want to quit watching porn and masturbating compulsively to pornography. Write out what I call a statement of purpose. Again, a statement of purpose, you start by accepting the fact that you have a problem. You write down why you want to overcome it. And you vividly describe your life three years from now, living without this problem.
It’s easier for us to imagine what our life is like in three years than it is to imagine what it’s like in five years. So take that piece of paper and you read it every day. You constantly remind yourself of your purpose. It needs to be on your mind every day until you overcome it. It’s your new priority. That is the one thing that will make the most difference in your recovery. It’s the one thing that will bring everything else that I’ve talked about in this video together.
Now, if you have any questions about anything mentioned in this video, leave your question in the comment section below. If you have a question which you maybe don’t feel comfortable leaving in the comments and you wanna ask me privately, you can simply email me at elevatedrecovery@gmail.com. And if you want to work with me, one on one, click this link now.
And now, there’s usually a four to six-week wait to work with me but someone from my office will get back to you within 24 hours.
Now don’t forget to subscribe to my Youtube Channel and as always, I wish you all the best in overcoming your challenges with pornography addiction and your out of control sexual behavior.
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