Can you spot the difference between these two statements?
“I will not bring my phone to bed.”
“I do not bring my phone to bed.”
There’s obviously a one-word difference between the two but do you know what that difference is?
The phrasing. How you phrase things matters. If you’ve been around, you’ve read my thoughts about working with your brain instead of against it. Too many programs for porn addiction use methods that work against your brain. They employ willpower to control your behavior which never works long-term.
If you know that bringing your phone with you to bed is something that causes you to slip, then leaving your phone outside your room is important. But how you get to that end goal is just as important as the end goal itself.
When you tell yourself, “I will not bring my phone to bed,” you’re automatically working against your brain. The negative statement implies a fight. It activates your willpower and your brain is ready to push against the statement.
When you tell yourself, “I do not bring my phone to bed,” you’re stating a fact. It’s a simple, straightforward statement about something you do not do. Your brain is on board with the plan because it sees it as something you already do.
It might seem like this minor difference doesn’t have much effect on the outcome but think about it. Tell yourself those two phrases in your head right now, one at a time.
When you say you will not bring your phone to bed, it sounds like you’re a parent giving instructions to a child. When you say you do not bring your phone to bed, you sound like an adult taking charge of your own life.
Apply it to other things you struggle with. Social media during work hours, navigating to other tabs in your browser, going to the gym consistently, or eating foods that strengthen your body instead of foods that break it down.
Remember, you’re not fighting a war in the Porn Reboot system. It’s not a battle against yourself or your evil addiction. It’s a strategic system put in place to overcome your out-of-control behaviors and live a life free from pornography addiction.
Spirituality is a cornerstone in the lives of plenty of men in the Porn Reboot group.
I have guys in the group who consume lots of books on spirituality, who have a regular meditation practice, who have studied under spiritual teachers, who have even lived in different ashrams around the world.
There’s also the crowd who favors plant medicine, things like ayahuasca, peyote, or psilocybin. They’ve participated in various experiences with drugs that have led to spiritual insights and deepened their connection with the world around them.
At the same time, all of these men are still in the group. They have arrived at using the Porn Reboot system to control their out-of-control behavior. Sure, plenty of them have spiritual practices but those practices weren’t enough to help them control their sexual behavior.
My Experience with Spirituality
My spiritual journey started when I was 17 years old. I was living in Malaysia and going to college then. That was where my introduction to spirituality began. I started a yoga practice that focused on balancing my chakras and the meditative aspect of yoga.
My spiritual pursuit continued once I moved to the U.S. I found a Vipassana yoga center here and joined. I went on a bunch of 10-day meditation retreats. I read a ton of Osho, probably most of his collected works and his discourses as well.
Do you know what it did though? Not much. My out-of-control behavior didn’t stop. I had read dozens of spiritual books and I was meditating regularly but my behavior was escalating. Over that period my life did not change drastically at all. I incorporated plenty of spiritual practices but they couldn’t keep me from acting out.
Two Things You’re Missing
From what I gather when talking with brothers in the group, most have the same experience. There are a lot of brothers who consider themselves spiritual yet are still unhappy and stuck acting on their out-of-control behavior.
The reality seems to be that no matter how much spiritual material you consume, it won’t make a difference with your behavior. Spirituality isn’t a magic pill that solves your porn problem. It’s not that spirituality is inherently useless but it’s that you have a problem that spirituality isn’t going to solve.
You Need to Experience Change
I’m not talking about reading spiritual books, I’m not talking about watching meditation videos, and I’m not talking about listening to podcasts from spiritual gurus. You can consume all the spiritual content in the world but none of it is going to help you quit porn.
I’m also not talking about hallucinogenic experiences. I don’t believe your ayahuasca or psilocybin trips are enough to enact the change you need to undergo. They provide you with insights into the problems you have and point you in the direction of what you need to work on, but that’s it.
You need to experience an actionable change in your life. I mean your actual practices in your daily life. I’m talking about the things you do each day that add up over time and lead to a lasting change, not a quick hit of spirituality that you get from listening to a spiritual teacher’s talk or micro-dosing mushrooms.
You Need to Live in This World
I notice highly spiritual men run up against all sorts of existential conflicts. Their pursuit of spirituality leaves them with deep questions like, “Should I keep my job?” or “Should I stay in the rat race?” While at the same time they’re trapped in the cycle of porn addiction.
Your physical body exists in the physical world. Your consciousness exists on another plane we still don’t know much about. But you live here. Your primary experience is a physical one. Spiritually-inclined men are going to be concerned with the aspects of consciousness that we cannot see, but you still exist here in the physical plane.
You need to get your life together in this world. You have responsibilities in the physical world that no amount of work in the spiritual world can touch. You still need a roof over your head, you still have needs to meet, you still have people to take care of. If you’re living in this world you have a responsibility to give back to it.
Straighten Out Materially, Straighten Out Spiritually
Men wrapped up in spiritual practices have themselves convinced they need to relinquish the hold this world has on them. They’re set on giving up material things and waiting for happiness to find them through spirituality.
Here’s the thing. Pursuing certain material aspects is part of life. You need to be able to support yourself and be at least mildly comfortable in a material sense. When you’re comfortable you can more easily focus on your spiritual practices.
At the same time, you can’t dump all your attention into acquiring material objects. Material items do only bring temporary joy and excitement. Once the newness of something wears off, though, you’re left with the same feelings you had before.
Part of living a full life includes balancing these two paths: material and spiritual. Make sure your basic needs are met as you focus on your spiritual pursuits. Don’t lose sight of your spiritual pursuits as you gain more in the material world.
Helping others is a great way that I stay connected between these two things. I have enough set up in the material world to give me the freedom to pursue the spiritual practices that I prefer. You want to seek a similar balance in your own life.
Until you straighten out materially (including controlling your sexual behavior), you won’t straighten out spiritually. Once you’re aligned in the material world, your pursuits in the spiritual world will be all the more fulfilling.
When you look at truly successful people, how often do you hear them talking about the hard work that goes into it?
They may mention it occasionally but it’s not a central part of their focus. Anyone successful in their endeavor, whether it’s an athlete or an entrepreneur, doesn’t think much about the hard work; they just do it.
The same applies to your reboot. I used to consume a lot of self-help material that pushed the idea that hard work brings results. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that hard work is unnecessary. But I am saying that focusing too much on the work and not as much on the goal is holding you back.
During this phase of my life, I thought a lot about the things getting in the way of me working hard. I thought I needed to uncover my limiting beliefs and look for things to change within me that would help me work harder. These practices helped to an extent but they also held me back in other ways.
I was so focused on the hard work aspect that I wasn’t thinking about the outcome I wanted: control over my sexual behavior. I spent too much time looking at how to work harder and not enough time looking at the problems themselves. I couldn’t control my sexual behavior, I was broke, I wasn’t in a relationship, I had poor social skills, I had health issues, and I was isolating myself. But I was more wrapped up in my poor work ethic.
Are you doing the same thing right now? Have you turned your work ethic into the main problem instead of looking at the real causes of your struggles?
Here’s the thing: when you want something badly enough, you won’t think about the work it takes to get there. Professional athletes want to play at the highest level so they don’t think about the hours of training and practice; they just do it. Successful entrepreneurs want their businesses to do well so they don’t think about the added stress and long nights; they just do it.
Guys ask me about my morning recovery time and my daily routine all the time. They want to know the specifics but aren’t thinking about the reasoning behind the routine in the first place. I take as much time as I need to center myself for the day to keep my behavior under control and continue building a successful life. But I don’t think about the time required because the outcome is more important to me than the work it takes to get there.
Hard work is going to help you overcome your porn addiction but focusing on the hard work alone is going to keep you stuck in it. You have to reach a point where the desire to control your behavior comes from within and the work required to control it becomes second nature.
Your drive to work hard is either there or it isn’t. You don’t need to work on the blocks. If the drive isn’t there, you need to focus on the desire and uncover your “why” for the work required. Once you arrive at this place, the specifics of your input become the backdrop and the outcome of your work takes center stage.
The techniques, tools, and strategies you learn in the Porn Reboot program are an integral part of your progress.
They’re key factors to help you learn to control your out-of-control behavior. You won’t get very far if you don’t learn to implement these things in your daily life.
At the same time, you need more than the techniques, tools, and strategies alone. If you find yourself frustrated at your perceived lack of progress in the program, you might be missing an integral part of the process. You can apply all of these things in your life but if you don’t understand the principles behind them, you’re going to stay stuck.
Men are usually excited to implement the things they learn at the beginning of their reboot. They’re willing to go to bed early, commit to morning recovery time, go to the gym regularly, keep a journal, and check in with their accountability partner. Once they notice some quick results they feel even more inclined to stick with the program.
As time goes on, though, the novelty of the tools and strategies wears off. There are times you’ll want to stay up late watching another episode of a show or skip the gym to hang out with your buddies. You’ll feel like sleeping in instead of sticking to your morning recovery time. You’re not going to feel the need to check in with your accountability partner some days.
This is when the principles behind these techniques come into play. You must understand the principles that drive the habits you learn in the Porn Reboot program. When your motivation to stick to your reboot wanes, your understanding of the principles behind them steps up to keep you committed moving forward.
Here’s another way to look at it. Let’s take the principle of compounding interest on investments. You understand the principle behind compounding interest so you understand the importance of saving and investing your money. There might be times you’d rather make an impulse purchase but you stick to your investment strategies instead.
A person who doesn’t understand the principle behind compounding interest won’t have the same drive to save. They have no incentive to invest because they don’t get that the principle of interest makes their money work for them. They’ll give in to those impulse buys instead of developing an investment strategy.
The same thing applies to your reboot. If you don’t understand the principles behind the small daily habits we utilize, you’re going to skip out on them. That’ll keep you trapped in the never ending cycle of slips and relapses, though, so it’s important to understand why you’re committing to your reboot.
Think about one of the things I stress regularly: you need to work with your brain instead of against it. Understanding that principle means you recognize that willpower will only take you so far. You might feel tempted to slack some days but when you understand that these habits help you work with your brain, you’re going to stick to them.
It’s easy to come into the program and get excited about the system but that excitement isn’t going to last. What are you going to do when that motivation runs out? Unless you get to work on understanding the principles behind the program now, brothers, you’re going to have a difficult time sticking to the system.
People often view marriage as the natural path of progression in a relationship.
You start dating, you get into a committed relationship, and then eventually you get married. But there’s also such an alarming divorce rate nowadays that maybe you should think twice before getting married.
People have marriage problems whether there’s an issue with pornography addiction or not. Issues will arise one way or another because that’s the way life works, but you can make some considerations ahead of time to avoid larger ones later on. Avoiding unhappiness in your marriage starts with considering a few things before you even choose that path.
What are some ways to avoid unhappiness in your own relationship headed in the direction of marriage?
You’re Not “Two Becoming One”
How often do you see men who believe marriage or a committed relationship is about two people becoming one? We’re sold this lie by society as we grow up but you cannot take two separate individuals and make them into one person. Don’t get me wrong; I know what the good book says. But I’m also a realist.
In my relationship and many other successful relationships I’ve seen, the couples are two separate individuals who enhance one another’s lives. They complement each other and increase enjoyment for each other. At the same time, though, they’re also two different people who function independently of one another.
There’s nothing wrong with your partner being your confidant or best friend. You should always support one another in your endeavors. But you shouldn’t operate under the idea that you “complete” each other, either. Successful couples are first successful on their own then come together as two whole people. They aren’t two “halves” who make a whole.
Don’t Force Your Interests on Each Other
You should never try to get rid of or suppress your spouse’s interests and they should offer the same respect to you. Nor should you force them to develop an interest in the things you enjoy doing, either. Whenever you try to make anyone do anything it always ends up badly sooner or later.
Sure, when you’re in a new relationship you’re going to put your best foot forward. They might be interested in something you couldn’t care less about, but you’ll pretend you are to show you care. If you keep acting like you’re interested, though, the cracks are going to form eventually.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any shared interests, either. People who have strong relationships have at least some things in common. But you don’t need to share an identical set of interests to build a strong relationship. Having separate interests is part of being two individuals who come together in a relationship.
You Don’t Have to Agree on Everything
Compromise is part of every relationship. You’re never going to find someone with whom you agree 100% of the time. Every human being has their own unique experience that got them to where they are today so no two people will see the world exactly the same. There’s nothing wrong with this!
Too many people think you and your partner need to agree on everything. If you’re with someone you always agree with, every single time, one of you has most likely lied at one point or another. Agreeing with someone all the time probably means one of you is compromising your individuality.
Disagreements are okay. How you handle them is where the potential issues arise. Compromise and agreeing to disagree are key components of strong relationships. You and your partner don’t always have to see eye to eye but you do need to respect one another and your individual opinions.
A Marriage Certificate Does Not Guarantee Love
I feel that individuals sometimes take marriage certificates as a way to certify or guarantee their love. It’s like they believe they’re buying something that ensures their relationship will last forever. But love and relationships don’t work that way.
You can’t guarantee that someone will love you forever, nor can you guarantee that for someone else. You can’t ever be entirely sure of your future emotions. If you’ve cared for someone for a long period, chances are your feelings will continue. Still, a marriage certificate isn’t going to guarantee your feelings.
You can’t look to a marriage certificate as a way to legitimize your relationship. Sure, it’s a binding contract but it’s not going to make your relationship any stronger, nor will it keep your partner feeling any particular type of way. You and your partner need to do the work on your own to keep your relationship strong; you can’t just rely on a certificate to do that for you.
Decide Whether Marriage is For You
Like I mentioned before, here’s another thing to consider: you and your partner don’t need to get married! There’s a societal expectation for people in a committed relationship to eventually marry one another. You don’t have to conform to that expectation if it isn’t right for your relationship, though!
I’ve been in a relationship with the same woman for 12 years but we aren’t interested in getting married. We’re happy with the way things are right now and aren’t interested in changing the current structure of our relationship. That doesn’t mean our feelings on marriage won’t change in the future, but it isn’t right for us right now so we haven’t pursued that path.
You and your partner need to decide for yourselves whether marriage is right for you. Don’t get married because it’s the thing you’re “supposed” to do. No one else’s opinion on your decision matters; your relationship is between you and your partner. The best way to avoid an unhappy marriage is to avoid changing the parameters of your relationship if it’s not the right thing to do.
I’ll admit – I should have addressed this a long time ago.
Marriage is not only a huge topic for men in the Porn Reboot system; it’s a huge topic for almost every man in the world. From the time we’re young, we’re taught that we will grow up, find a woman who we love and adore, and eventually marry that woman. But as divorce rates continue holding at an alarming rate, maybe marriage isn’t the thing you should pursue.
It comes up in the Porn Reboot group for all types of men. It’s a question asked by single men, divorced men, and separated men, whether they’re struggling with their compulsive behavior or rebooting from it.
Should you get married?
First of all, I’m neither against marriage nor am I encouraging anyone to get married because there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I work with many unhappily married men who feel trapped in their relationships, and I also work with many men who are happily married in exemplary relationships. There is no one right way to do it; there’s only the way that’s right for you.
Why Do You Want To Get Married?
Before getting married you need to ask yourself honestly what you want from your marriage. Why do you want to get married? What do you think marriage will add to your relationship? It’s not a question to be taken lightly.
One of the biggest reasons I see men get married is because of societal or cultural pressures. I’ve spoken to many men from different cultures who tell me the reason they got married was because of their parents. They wanted to make their parents happy so they found a woman to marry, but they’re left unhappy as a result.
These men are in marriages they regret and are full of rage and resentment toward their parents. They go to marriage counseling and work with professionals to fix their marriages, but they don’t see lasting results. These professionals are fighting a losing battle, though, because the root cause of the unhappiness in the marriage is the fact that the man didn’t want to be married in the first place.
You have to determine why you want to get married before making the decision. Are you doing it because you want to spend your life with this person or because you feel like you have to? If it’s the latter, you’re not only setting yourself up for unhappiness but you’re dragging another person into your unhappiness as well.
Common Reasons Men Get Married
After working with men for years, I’ve found that people get married for all sorts of reasons. For all the different reasons I hear, there are a few common ones that most men share. These aren’t necessarily bad reasons to get married, but they may not be the strongest foundation to build a marriage on.
Improve the Relationship
There’s this shared understanding that marriage is the natural progression of a relationship. If a relationship is going well then marriage will automatically make everything about it better. That’s not necessarily right or wrong; it’s simply a shared understanding I see a lot of the time.
Easy Access to Sex
This is more common with men who come from conservative cultures or religious backgrounds. Men who come from conservative cultures or religious backgrounds aren’t permitted to have sex before marriage. Getting married offers a way to have access to sex without feeling guilt or shame.
Escape Loneliness
No one in the world wants to be lonely. Connection is a basic human need. Some men seek an escape from loneliness through marriage. They aren’t comfortable on their own, want a constant companion, or simply don’t want to feel so lonely anymore.
Avoiding Something More Challenging
This isn’t to say that getting married and raising a family isn’t a challenge, but some men get married to avoid challenging themselves. They reach a point in their life where they can push forward and build or create something, but they choose the easier, expected path of marriage, 2.5 kids, and buying a house.
Financial Benefits
Getting married can be a good decision from a financial point of view. Marriage brings the incomes of two people together, making it easier to pay bills or finance large purchases.
Confirmation of Commitment
Some men get married because they feel it’s the only way to secure their girlfriend’s commitment. They see it as a way to ensure she’s fully invested in their relationship and that they can stay together forever.
Is Marriage Something You Truly Want?
Do any of the reasons above apply to you and your relationship? Do you view marriage as a way to “lock down” your relationship or to get ahead financially? Or are you in a loving and committed relationship where you want to take the next step with the woman you care about?
Getting married isn’t a way to ensure love and commitment for the rest of your life. You can also be in a committed relationship without ever getting married. I promise that love and companionship are available to you whether or not you want to pursue the path of marriage.
Ultimately there is no right or wrong answer to the question, brothers. It’s a very personal question and something that only you and your partner can answer. You should determine your reasons for getting married and weigh whether marriage is the right choice for you.
As you go through your reboot, you need to regularly ask yourself, “Who do I need to become to get to the next level of my reboot?”
As men progress through their reboot, they eventually reach a point where they see different results. They’re no longer masturbating compulsively. Oftentimes they’ve completely stopped viewing pornography or even lost interest in it. Then a lot of behaviors that triggered them before drop off. Eventually, the fear of slips and relapses even leaves.
Once you reach these various points, you might feel a bit bored and restless. You’re wondering what comes next. You feel like you’re ready to move onto the next level of the system but that isn’t always the case. When you’re ready to move into the next stage of your reboot, you first need to find out if you’ve normalized.
What is reboot normalizing, though?
Reboot normalizing is basically taking what you previously viewed as a good result and making it average. You want to carry out behaviors that felt exceptional when you first started doing them until they start feeling normal. It’s getting to a point where things that were once difficult to do are now habitual.
For example, say you’re in a committed relationship or a marriage. One of your biggest triggers was when a former girlfriend or lover texted you. Your initial instinct was to respond or even act out. But as you progressed through your reboot, you learned that you no longer need to go through that emotional reaction. At first this felt nearly impossible but over time it became a normal, rational response.
There are certain criteria at each stage that you can use as guideposts for reboot normalizing. I’ve outlined these before in a series where I broke down the Porn Reboot system. These signs of progress add up over time until you’re behaving in a way you never thought possible at the beginning.
There’s nothing wrong with experiencing the excitement of the first time you overcome an urge or mitigate a trigger. It’s a new thing that felt impossible when you first arrived. But to develop long-term success with your reboot, these exciting moments need to become a normal and routine thing for you.
Reboot normalizing is a sign that you’re headed in the right direction. You might feel bored or restless for a moment. Everyone new to the system reaches that point from time to time. As you realize the next steps you need to take, though, you’ll find yourself charged up and ready to take on what you need to do next.
Eventually you reach the stage where restlessness and boredom are a thing of the past. You build up such a full life that there’s little time to even think of feeling bored. As your ceiling gets higher, you progress further each time. You’re eating well, going to the gym, being productive at work, building a solid network of friends, engaging with your partner or family, or going out to find a healthy relationship.
You don’t have to be at the mercy of your compulsive behaviors anymore. It might seem like that could never be the case for you. I was in your shoes at one point in my life, too. But I promise you, brother, if you stick to the system and follow through on each stage, you’re going to reach this point, too.
I’m very forward with my belief that it takes about two years for your brain to rewire using the Porn Reboot system.
Pretty often I have people reach out and ask where I came up with that two-year mark. I recently had someone ask this question:
“J.K., you recommend that we don’t count days, but you also say that it takes two years to recover. Does this mean two years of being porn-free or does it mean two years of following the system? For example, if a man is in your program and he relapses after one year, does this mean that it takes an additional two years to recover?
“Also, is the two years simply your opinion based on your experience with yourself and your clients, or are there other resources and experts who agree with this timeframe? How did you arrive at this two-year conclusion?”
I know some of you reading this might already know the answer but I think this question is an important one. It presents a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone: how does the two-year period work and where does it come from?
Again, I stand by my belief that it takes about two years for a man’s brain to rewire using the Porn Reboot system. I need to point out that I cannot speak for any other system out there, nor do I want to. I’m strictly familiar with the system we use here.
If you relapse after one year it doesn’t mean that you’ve “undone” all the work he put in. That’s not how the brain works and it’s exactly why I’m so against the concept of counting days. If you’re counting days and you have a slip or relapse you don’t immediately lose all of the progress you made. You didn’t waste the time you spent porn-free; it laid some solid groundwork for you to fall back on.
When men relapse it’s usually because they run into situations they’ve never experienced and are unprepared for. In some cases, it’s a traumatic event. He loses a loved one or goes through a divorce. Other times it’s an extreme circumstance like being laid off from his job or losing his business.
Then there are other situations I’ve not seen before that still arise. Last year a brother in the group had a slip when he didn’t receive any birthday wishes on his 30th birthday. This was the result of his strict boundaries around social media and some internal struggles with turning 30. He was used to receiving birthday wishes on Facebook and didn’t remind anyone in his real-life about his birthday because of those struggles.
So his birthday came around but no one wished him a happy birthday. This triggered some deeper issues related to his insecurities, causing a relapse. Thankfully he made it back right away and recognized where he went wrong in the process. But this relapse didn’t undo all the progress he made before he slipped.
A lot of people have an idea in their head that any recovery program is all about abstinence and how long you stay away from that behavior. When it comes to compulsive sexual behavior, though, I disagree. I think it’s a significant part of the process but it’s about much more than abstinence.
Rewiring your brain takes every area of life into account. That’s why we examine every aspect of your life when you join the Porn Reboot program. We look at your overall health, your biochemistry, what you eat, whether you exercise, when you go to bed, who you spend your time with, how you feel about yourself, and more. Every facet of your life plays an important role in your recovery from pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior.
There are countless challenges online asking little to nothing from you. Think about No Fap November or 90-day No Fap challenges. Sure, you stop jerking off for a few weeks or months but you’re probably back at it and worse than before when the time is up. They consider no other part of your life and you often do little to replace the gap created when you cut out porn.
That’s why I ask you to dedicate two years to the Porn Reboot system. Rewiring your brain is a complex, in-depth process that takes time, commitment, and consistency. You’re not going to fix every single facet of your life in 90 days. So I didn’t come up with the two-year mark out of nowhere. It’s not necessarily something that research backs up but I’ve watched it work time and time again in my program.
I’m going into my 10th year of working with men and sharing the Porn Reboot system. I have hundreds of testimonials from clients in the intensive as well as non-clients who followed the system using our free materials. They all found success and freedom from porn during those two years.
I do want to acknowledge that our system isn’t for everyone. I’ve mentioned that before and I still stand by that, too. Some men need more support than the Porn Reboot intensive can offer. That’s why we have a screening process for anyone who wants to join our intensive program as a client.
Many men have a range of issues from childhood trauma to mental illness to other co-occurring disorders. Overcoming their behavior isn’t as simple as rewiring their brain; these men need therapy and a combination of different approaches.
Still, anyone can follow along using the posts I write here on the blog, the videos we post on YouTube, or the podcast we publish on various platforms. It’s why I create so much free content. I believe in the Porn Reboot system and I trust its ability to help almost any man who is ready to end his behavior and willing to do what it takes.
I’ll admit that requires dedication and persistence during those two years, but if you commit to it I promise it will change your whole life.
Today I’m answering another question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group.
He brought an excellent question to the group and it’s one of those that needs to be shared here. Our brother asked:
“I don’t understand why having a coach, or even accountability in general, will speed up the recovery process. I can see how it increases your likelihood of success but I don’t see how it speeds up the recovery process. If you can stay away from pornography and masturbation for a while without coaching or accountability, you’ll still heal just as well as those who had them, right?
“I understand the biological process of porn addiction. I get how it works and I realize the brain needs time to rewire itself. You’ve explained a ton about the concept of neuroplasticity and helped me understand I just need to stay away long enough for my brain to rewire. So do I really need a coach?”
I think this is such a great question because he verbalizes a subconscious thought that a lot of men have. You might have asked yourself this at one point or another. Maybe you’re new to the program and asking yourself this question right now. There’s plenty of information available online so why should you need a coach?
Here’s another way to look at it: why would having a professor or lecturer speed up the education process? You could read the textbook and complete the workbook yourself; how does having a teacher help?
That line of thinking sounds a bit sillier when you look at it that way, right?
Having someone to guide you, whether it’s a professor or lecturer or coach or accountability partner, is crucial if you want prompt results. These people have been through the process before and know what you need to do. They can tell you which pitfalls to avoid because they’ve already fallen into them themselves.
Coaches and accountability partners also relieve the immense weight of shame that many people carry around. Their presence reminds you that you aren’t alone on this journey and gives you hope that you can recover, too.
Another part I noticed in this brother’s question was when he mentioned “staying away from pornography and masturbation.” Thinking you can control your behavior with willpower alone is another mistake thousands of men make. Very few are successful when they attempt to do this with willpower.
Here’s the thing about addiction to pornography and masturbation. Rewiring your brain sounds simple in theory, a straightforward process you can follow out of a book. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. You’re rewiring learned behavior that you developed over months and years of pornography addiction.
During the process of creating that compulsive behavior, you lost your time, clarity, good judgment, and values. You eroded existing relationships as well as the ability to communicate with people and form new ones. As a result, you drove your self-confidence and self-esteem into the ground. And ending your behavior doesn’t result in these things magically returning.
You can’t rewire your brain using half-steam effort for two weeks. It takes months and years of work to undo the months and years of destruction. Trying to do it on your own may lead to success, but having accountability makes the process much smoother. Having a coach during your reboot keeps you on the road to recovery as your brain rewires.
You’re used to doing what you want to do when you want to do it. You wouldn’t be in this position if that wasn’t the case. Maybe it’s time to consult someone with more experience than you have when it comes to controlling your out-of-control behavior. And that’s where working with an accountability partner or coach comes into play.
When you join the Porn Reboot group, we keep you incredibly accountable at the front end. If you don’t show up to something we’re going to check in with you. We want to find out where you are, what you’ve been doing, and why you aren’t participating. The Reboot differs from other programs because you aren’t just another guy in the group; we genuinely care about you and your recovery.
That’s also why this program is for men who are serious about controlling their behavior. You might think serious accountability sounds like babysitting and that’s fine, but that means Porn Reboot isn’t for you. It’s for men who are finally ready to end their compulsive behaviors with pornography and masturbation.
Bringing a coach or accountability partner into your recovery is a fantastic tool and can very much speed up your recovery process. They’re going to help you avoid all the unnecessary detours you’re likely to make if you’re approaching it alone. They know the areas that cause problems and will try to keep you from making the same mistakes they did.
After working with men for over a decade, I can confidently say that you can rewire your brain within two years. When you apply the system, including the use of accountability partners, it takes between a year and a half to two years to rewire. It’s worked for me, it’s worked for the brothers in our group, and it can work for you too.
Ready to make a change? Join us in the Porn Reboot program today.
One of our brothers recently asked how having weak beliefs in the Porn Reboot system differs from being a Type A man. He’s sort of off-track here; weak beliefs and being a Type A man are two separate concepts. Comparing these two concepts isn’t the most effective way to ask this question.
I cover a ton of concepts here on the Porn Reboot blog, in our podcast, and during our videos. Sometimes men confuse the things I talk about and have a hard time clarifying the differences between each of them. I want to clear up the confusion I’ve seen lately when it comes to strong vs. weak beliefs; true vs. trial rebooters; Type A vs. Type B men.
I’ve talked about each of these in-depth at various points on each of my channels. All of these concepts are important aspects of the Porn Reboot process. The type of man you are and the way you approach your reboot says a lot about how successful you are going to be. But just because you’re one thing at one point doesn’t mean you can shift to being another.
I’m going to dive a little into these concepts today and offer you an overview of each. The more you understand each part, the better you can determine where you are in your reboot.
Weak Beliefs vs. Strong Beliefs
Having weak beliefs is a recipe for failure in your reboot. I want to clarify, though: I’m not talking about religious beliefs or moral beliefs. The belief I’m referring to is your belief in the Porn Reboot program. The program works for you to the exact extent you believe it will.
You might think you’re a special or unique case and the system won’t help you control your out-of-control behavior. But telling yourself that it isn’t going to work means that it won’t work. If you have weak beliefs in the Porn Reboot program, it’s only a matter of time before you relapse.
On the other hand, having strong beliefs in the Porn Reboot program means you’ll have a better outcome. You trust the system will work in your life the same way it has for hundreds of men just like you. You’re harnessing the power of your mind, rewiring your brain, and accepting the fact that you can overcome your behavior.
Both Type A and Type B men can have weak beliefs in the program. The type of man you are doesn’t necessarily determine how strong your belief in the Porn Reboot system is. Something I’ve noticed over the years, though, is that Type A men tend to hold the same type of beliefs.
Type B Men vs. Type A Men
I talk a lot about Type A and Type B men. Type A men are those men who are action-oriented, high-performing go-getters who take life by the horns. Type B men are men who are more hesitant, cautious, and passive when they approach life. Most men naturally lean in one direction or the other.
Type A men come into the program with a plan to control their behavior. They’re the type of people who take a ton of action. They have a general idea of what they want and need to do because they simply see their compulsive behavior as another roadblock in the way of their goals. Type A men might not know how to overcome it but they know they need to.
Type B men hesitantly make their way into the Porn Reboot program. They’re the type who reach out with indirect questions and feel helpless about their current situation. These men send a message asking for help or tips or to express their frustration, but aren’t necessarily ready to jump into action.
I notice that Type A men tend to have a naturally strong belief in the Porn Reboot program. They come into the group understanding what needs to be done but they don’t know how to approach the problem. Type A men don’t need their hands held; they just need to be told what to do.
Type B men are more difficult to work with because they need more support and encouragement. They also believe they’ll never make the change to being a Type A kind of man but this simply isn’t true. Taking the program seriously and developing strong beliefs in the system is the precise way a Type B man can become a Type A man.
Trial Rebooters vs. True Rebooters
Trial rebooters are the men who come into the Porn Reboot program to test the waters but don’t truly want to commit. They aren’t sure whether they have a problem with pornography or they’re making a big deal out of nothing.
These men won’t give up their old behaviors yet, things like staying up late, binging Netflix, skipping the gym, and eating poorly. At the same time, they can’t figure out how to quit watching porn. These trial rebooters are stuck in a constant loop of wanting to stop and then convincing themselves there isn’t a problem.
True rebooters are the men who come in ready to work. They understand that their behavior is problematic and are willing to do what it takes to stop. True rebooters recognize they need to let go of their old coping skills, learn new alternatives, and make some big changes in their lives. They have come to peace with the reality of their situation and know it’s time to do something different.
Making the Switch
Most men walk around feeling satisfied with being average. They are okay with playing video games for hours and drinking heavily every weekend. They’re fine with going to the gym occasionally and only putting in half-effort at work. But they also receive the results of being an average Type B man.
This might be the case for you right now but you also are not stuck being the same type of man forever. You may come into the Porn Reboot program as a Type B trial rebooter with weak beliefs but you can make a switch. Over time you can take the action required to become a Type A man with strong beliefs who is committed to his reboot.
It’s not going to happen all at once and it’s not going to be easy, but you can shift from being one type of man to the other. You can become whatever you want to be in life so long as you’re willing to put in the work. Overcoming your out-of-control behavior takes dedication and effort but the results are more than worth it.
Ready to find out how you can make these changes in your life? Come cultivate the self-awareness necessary to keep going forward alongside your brothers in the Porn Reboot group. What are the roadblocks you’re running up against and what are you doing to move around them? Join us in the Porn Reboot group today, let us know where you’re at, and we’ll be here to help you.
