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“If my wife made more of an effort to care for her appearance we would probably have sex more often.”

“If I wasn’t so stressed about my career, business, and finances, I wouldn’t need to use pornography and masturbation.”

“If I had the right coping strategy and tools, everything would be alright.”

As you started your reboot, did you ever find yourself thinking any of these things? How often did you look for outside solutions to your problem with porn and masturbation? 

Today I want to help you understand that this is the wrong approach. Your insistent drive to discover an external solution is a big part of what still holds you back. The solution to your problem with pornography is within the problem, not outside of it. But how can you find it?

Be Still to Seek Solution

When you’re running around looking for solutions, whether external or internal, you’re making yourself unnecessarily busy. You think you’re doing the right thing by seeking out answers. You’re watching videos, reading articles, listening to podcasts. You’re going to a therapist, trying a 12-step group, installing filter apps. 

Sure, all of these things are helpful in their own right. They add up to a system that helps you overcome your out-of-control behavior. But until you’re sure you’re moving in the right direction, all that busyness only serves as a distraction. You can’t see yourself clearly if you never slow down enough to find the answers within yourself. 

No one knows you better than yourself. Not me, not your parents, not your mentor. Not your therapist, not your partner, not your friends. You are the best expert on you. But you need to divorce yourself from seeking the answer everywhere outside yourself.

It’s like trying to see the bottom of a muddy puddle of water. The murky sediment rises and blocks your view to the bottom when the water is disturbed. You have to wait for the water and sediment to settle before you can see through to the bottom.

You have to do the same thing with your life. If you’ve run full-speed looking for solutions to your problem and are still in the same position, you have to stop. Stop looking outside at the distractions of your wife, your career, or anything else you’re blaming for your problems with pornography. Take time to be still and seek the solution within yourself.

No One Can Solve Your Problem For You

It’s not about counting days or being a recovering addict. It’s about getting to a point where you can take back control of your behavior. But it’s only from a place of stillness that you can set up the system you need to change your life.

The solution to your problem lies in understanding that you alone hold the key to ending your out-of-control behavior. There’s no therapist, 12-step group, or NoFap challenge that can keep you from turning back to pornography. Until you develop a system that you can follow, you’ll stay trapped in the cycle of pornography addiction and blaming everyone but yourself.

You are the only one who can set up and implement the system that will free you from your behavior. The Porn Reboot system is here to help you identify the things holding you back, set up your system, and support you along the way. But we can’t adhere to your program for you. You and you alone are responsible for uncovering and sticking to the solution to your problem.

If you’re a high performer, an entrepreneur, a business owner, or just an ambitious professional man, you already understand how to work hard.

You’re disciplined and focused, you know how to accomplish your goals, and you likely have a system for getting the things you want in life.

However, the problem I’ve noticed with these types of men when they join the Porn Reboot program, is that they handle their reboot the same way they handle their business. After they find the right system that works for them, they follow it in the same the way they do everything else in life: with unrelenting, regimented discipline and focus.

They wake up in the morning, do their morning routine, and move through their list of particular relapse prevention methods. They keep in regular contact with their accountability partners during scheduled check-ins. Some see a therapist. Others stick to meetings with me. They all have a system in place that works and they don’t stray from it at all.

If this is the case for you, your work ethic and dedication likely yield plenty of positive results. At the same time, you’re also likely to reach a point where things feel monotonous. Your reboot becomes just another checkbox on the list. You take it on with all the diligence you apply to other areas of your life, but there’s no fun in it.

The problem with arriving at this place is you put yourself at risk for a relapse. You might feel the need for a sense of relief from this endless loop day-in and day-out. So you don’t want to forget why you started your reboot in the first place. 

There’s no need to reach this point! Your reboot doesn’t need to be just another checkbox on your list. You can have fun with your reboot and enjoy your life. I want to help you consider the way you’re approaching your reboot and whether you could benefit from lightening up a bit.

How Many Days Do You Remember in a Positive Way?

How many days do you remember having fun? Which days were memorable or had something interesting happen? I used to ask myself these questions often at the beginning of my reboot attempts. When I first did it years ago, I realized I couldn’t think of more than three days to count.

At this point, I was so focused on overcoming my out-of-control behavior that it consumed all my attention. I had figured out my reboot system but it didn’t have a name yet. It was a few things I’d put together and noticed I had positive results and I didn’t slip when I lived that way. But I was missing out on the fun parts of life.

This might be the case for you, too. Once you found the system that worked for you, you applied the same high level of performance that you do in other areas of your life. You’re committed to checking every single box off every single day. But you’re missing out on the things in life that are there for you to enjoy.

If you’ve reached this point, it’s time to let up on taking things so seriously. You’re dedicated to your system and already know how to hit your goals. So you need to start thinking about how you can have a bit more fun in your life.

Write It Out – How Many Days Do You Remember?

I want you to take out a pen and paper right now and give yourself five minutes to write. In the past year, how many days do you remember in a positive way? You don’t need to remember the exact dates but think of some events during the last year that were fun, enjoyable, or impactful. Stop reading this for five minutes and go write.

Okay, have your list? Now I want you to grade yourself. If you couldn’t do it in five minutes, you have a problem. If you had to scroll through your social media feed, that’s a problem, too. The goal is to remember these things off the top of your head; you want to work on being present during the moments that are worth remembering.

You’re doing well if you remember 9 to 12 days, especially if you’re someone who runs a business or has multiple avenues going on at once. You have a lot that occupies your time but you still slow down enough to appreciate the fun moments in life.

You’re alright if you remember 4 to 8 days. That’s about average. If you’re at this point, though, it’s likely that number will drop going forward. I want you to start paying attention to the enjoyable times in your life – you don’t have to take things so seriously all the time.

If you only remember 3 or fewer days over the last year, you’re at the point I was. You might have a deeper issue at play, something like depression or isolation. I know I felt depressed when I was working very hard but not producing anything. You can be a high-performer and still struggle with depression. But you have some work to do when it comes to enjoying your days.

Start Trying New Things

If you’re struggling with having fun in your reboot, it’s time to try some new things. Schedule something exciting or a new experience twice a month, every other week. It can be something you do on your own, with a friend, or with a partner. Preferably it should be outside your comfort zone.

If you’re a busy man you might push back against this idea. I hear it all the time. “J.K., I’m so busy, I can’t take that time off.” I’ve heard every excuse in the book – work, girlfriend, family. If you’re concerned about your spouse and kids, bring them with you. Take them to the movies, go for a hike, take them on a short road trip.

There are so many things you can try both with your loved ones and on your own. Once you detach from the idea that you can’t take any time away, you’ll start realizing that you’re having a good time. The monotony of life will slip away and you’ll have fun with your days and weeks and years. You’ll reconnect with the parts that make life worth living.

So, what’s the first new activity you’re going to try?

You know what’s frustrating? 

Think about a time you’ve seen a very clear path to changing something in your life. You understand it logically, see it in a very rational sense, and take action to make that change. You’re certain that you’re going to accomplish your goal, yet somehow you find yourself unable to accomplish it. 

You look around you and it doesn’t look like you’re doing anything to sabotage yourself. But you just can’t seem to put your finger on what it is that’s keeping you from making the change you want to make, despite seeing things very clearly. 

Over the years I’ve found that the thing holding you back might be your opinions and beliefs. The opinions you have of yourself and the beliefs you carry affect your self-image which, in turn, affects every attempt at making a lasting change in your life. 

These opinions and beliefs can become a self-imposed prison, especially when you’re unaware of them. And that’s the keyword right there: unaware. This lack of awareness is the reason why a lot of men feel like they’re banging their heads against the wall; they have no idea that the wall is right there in front of them.

I dealt with this for years. I surrounded myself with ambitious, high-performing men with big goals. They put in the work to accomplish the things they set out to do but I still struggled. I was part of the right community, put in the hours, read the books, learned, and studied, yet I couldn’t keep up. I had plenty of goals but was stressed and overwhelmed all the time.

That constant state of being stressed and overwhelmed became my way of life. Meanwhile, I was working alongside men who worked careers and juggled things in their life that felt far more challenging than what I was doing. 

I thought I was a big deal for putting in all these hours and accomplishing all these things in my mid-twenties. But then I met men who were doing all that and more, while also caring for a family. These men also had responsibilities to their communities, the church, or their extended families, but they were still killing it in their careers. They had great bodies, they had hobbies, they conversed well. I couldn’t figure out what it was that separated me from them.

It wasn’t until I changed my outlook on those feelings that I finally made the shift. Instead of seeing myself as stressed and overwhelmed, I started telling myself that I was focused, I found these things easy to accomplish, and that I could do it. It didn’t matter how great the men were around me–I wasn’t going to change until I changed those weak beliefs and opinions of myself.

A lot of men arrive at the Porn Reboot group thinking they can change their behavior if they have the right information. They think that they just haven’t found the right system or approach yet and they’ll make the change as soon as they do. But when these men have weak beliefs and poor opinions about themselves, it’s not going to work.

If you’re stuck in the same cycle you’ve been in for a few weeks or months, it’s time to examine your beliefs. There’s plenty of information about overcoming pornography addiction online. I’ve got hundreds of hours of videos and podcasts available on my channels alone. But information is only going to get you so far. 

When I talk with men as they’re first starting, I often find out they spend about 80% of their time on gathering information and 20% of their time on implementation. You need to flip those percentages immediately. Until you dive deeper into your problematic opinions and beliefs and take some action, you’re going to unconsciously stay in the same never-ending information loop.

Your success depends on your ability to implement the endless information available to you and change your opinions and beliefs. So it’s time to ask yourself, what is holding you back from taking action and transforming your life? What are you telling yourself? What beliefs shape your identity and self-image? And are these things helping you or holding you back?

If they’re holding you back, it’s time to shift those beliefs. Spend some time in self-reflection, write in your journal, and then reach out to a brother in the group. Speak with someone who understands where you’re coming from and ask what they did to change it. Ask for their outside input and see if there’s something you overlooked. 

It’s time to take your reboot to the next stage. You’re going to notice a difference when you push back against your beliefs. You’ll finally be out of your way and start progressing faster than you thought possible.

I recently wrote about the importance of motion over emotion.

If you want to be successful, you have to put your emotions to the side and take action in your reboot. Before you can take action, though, you need to know which direction you’re going to move in. You must determine your direction before you take too much action.

If you’re not heading in the right direction, you can take all the action in the world and still end up in the wrong place. You’re not alone if you don’t feel clear about the direction you’re headed, especially when you’re new to ending your out-of-control behavior. But it’s something you need to address before you get too far.

Moving in the right direction requires you to reflect on what you’re currently doing. When you join the Porn Reboot program, you have what we call a Reboot Blueprint call. We use this call to learn more about you and customize your program to fit your long-term reboot goals. I ask a list of questions and we talk through them to determine the best direction for you.

Today I want to ask you those questions as if you were on a Reboot Blueprint call with me. I want you to respond to these questions  with the idea that the path you’re currently on is not going to change at all for the next 12 months. It’s going to help you determine whether you’re heading in the right direction or if you need to adjust your course a bit. 

I don’t want you to answer these questions in your head. I want you to take out a pen and paper or open up the notes app on your phone and write your responses out. You need to consider whether the path you’re on is going to get you where you want to be. Writing out your responses will let you dive deeper into your answers.

Ready?

If you keep doing exactly what you are doing right now to end your behavior with pornography and masturbation, 12 months from today… 

1. What is your mindset going to look like?

2. Where are you going to be?

3. How is your physical and emotional health going to be?

4. Will you have deeper intimacy with your partner?

5. Will you have invested in your family legacy?

6. Are you going to be doing your best work?

7. If you’re in a leadership position, are you better positioned to serve and leverage influence?

8. Will you be closer to your dreams?

9. Are you going to be more of the person that you intend to be?

10. Would you be happy and delighted to meet yourself 12 months from today?

If you keep doing the things that you’re currently doing, this determines your destination every single time. The action you take can make or break your entire reboot process. I recommend you take some time to sit with and ponder the above questions to determine whether you’re heading in a direction you’re proud of.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post asking you to consider the things you’re tolerating in your life.

There are so many men tolerating unreasonable situations from their performance to their relationships to their careers. Tolerating and settling for situations that you can’t stand holds you back and often keeps you trapped in your pornography addiction cycle.

One thing men settle for is a sexless marriage. When you’ve been with your girlfriend or wife for a long time, sometimes the sex and intimacy slow down. There are also cases where sex and intimacy with your partner are affected by your out-of-control behavior. Your girlfriend or wife may not be interested in a physical relationship with you.

If your marriage remains sexless for months or years, though, and you don’t do anything to fix it, you’re settling. After I wrote that post a few weeks ago, a brother reached out to the group about his own experience with his sexless marriage. He explained that every time he tries to initiate intimacy with his wife, she shuts him down.

Our brother asked for more suggestions on how to handle his sexless marriage. The responses he received showed me that it’s something lots of men in the group are dealing with. I’m going to go over a few things you need to realize and remember as you start addressing the lack of intimacy in your relationship.

Acknowledge Your Betrayal of Your Partner

Women view your out-of-control sexual behavior as a betrayal. Acknowledging this element of betrayal is the first thing you need to do if you want to fix your relationship. Your problems with compulsive sexual behaviors create the idea and lead to the belief that she isn’t enough for you. It doesn’t matter whether it was “just” pornography and masturbation or you went as far as stepping outside of your relationship. Your partner feels betrayed. 

A woman won’t want to be intimate with you when she feels betrayed. You have to be willing to accept that your partner might not want to have sex with you for some time. She’s hurt because you broke her trust and she’ll likely relive the situation over and over again in her mind.

If you kept your compulsive behaviors hidden, she’s also in a state where she’s questioning her reality. You presented yourself as one type of man for several years but acted another way behind closed doors. She’s going to feel shocked and traumatized for some time after finding out the truth.

Prioritize Taking Care of Yourself

Another reason for sexless marriages is, in general, some women tend to lose interest in having sex with their partner. It’s something that nearly everybody in a monogamous relationship deals with at one point or another. Over time, women get used to their partner and begin viewing them as a roommate or best friend instead of a sexual companion.

You might feel compelled to blame your partner for this but I believe part of the blame lies with you, too. Usually, men stop taking care of themselves after they’ve been in a relationship for a while. They start dressing down, neglecting hygiene and grooming, and letting their hobbies fall to the wayside. They lose their sense of purpose, adventure, and excitement for life. 

You must prioritize taking care of yourself. Be the man she got together with in the first place. Take care of your physical appearance, stay ambitious, stay enthusiastic, stay driven. You might think it’s “too challenging,” but it’s not if you prioritize it. I’ve been in a relationship for 12 years and I believe that longevity is due to my making sure I stay on point.

Learn to Communicate Your Needs

Women with betrayal trauma are most likely not going to want to have sex with you for a while. They need to work through their feelings of betrayal before they’ll be interested in rebuilding intimacy. That makes sense. But what about if your marriage was sexless before your problem with compulsive sexual behaviors started?

For example, our brother who raised the question mentioned that his marriage was sexless for five years before he sought outside sexual relations. Rather than communicating his sexual needs with his wife, though, he looked for sexual release outside his relationship. Had he addressed the lack of intimacy before stepping out, he may have avoided causing her pain.

Some men avoid expressing their needs out of a fear of vulnerability. As men, we’re taught that being vulnerable is the same thing as being weak. This is a false understanding of vulnerability. Our brother’s refusal to be vulnerable with his wife and express his needs created a far greater problem than if he had just been honest in the first place.

Both You and Your Partner Need to Take Responsibility

Neither you nor your partner is entirely to blame when it comes to a sexless relationship. When men struggle with porn, masturbation, and compulsive sexual behaviors, they tend to lose sight of this. Sometimes we take responsibility for the whole problem when intimacy requires the participation of both partners.

You have sexual needs and you didn’t sign up to be in a sexless relationship. Your partner has intimacy needs and didn’t sign up to be with someone who has compulsive sexual behavior. Your porn addiction might be the catalyst that forced you to look at your sexless marriage, but both you and your partner need to take responsibility if you want to save the relationship. 

You Must Overcome Your Compulsive Behaviors For Yourself

In his question, our brother mentioned that he wants to overcome his behaviors so he can give all his energy and time to his wife. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a good partner, you shouldn’t overcome your behavior for your wife alone. You need to quit your behavior with pornography so you can be the best version of yourself for yourself alone.

You’re never going to stick to your decision if you end your compulsive behaviors for someone else. But once you decide to become the best version of yourself, you’ll follow through on your decision. As you take action to grow as a man, the people around you–from your partner to your kids to your colleagues–will feel the benefits. You become a man they can respect.

The Porn Reboot group is filled with men who finally decided to overcome their compulsive behaviors. We support one another on our journeys and offer guidance and insight along the way. If you’re tired of settling for a sexless marriage or you’re solving some other problem with porn and masturbation, make the decision to take back your life and join us today.

There’s been a lot of progress in recent years on various types of addiction therapy and rehabilitation.

That has happened for several reasons. In general, awareness has been building that addiction is a major problem, but that it is also beatable with modern psychological techniques and technology. Also, there’s been more money put into research for addiction problems. There are, again, specific reasons for that, too. The bottom line is that we are making progress, slowly, but steadily.

It’s true: modern ways of addiction therapy are working. But a lot of this has come by trial and error, as people find out the best ways to reinforce supportive techniques that promote better life habits and remake us psychologically.

Traditional Therapy

In the past, aversion therapy represented relatively primitive approaches to treating different kinds of addiction.

At its very simplest core, you could describe traditional types of aversion therapy as “punitive” in nature, or as “teaching therapies” that taught through negative reinforcement. People tried to make the addictive substances or behaviors unappealing to the patient. That took various forms, some of which were, ultimately, pretty unsavory. Again, this was sort of based on outdated ideas about human psychology and how it affects motivation and dynamic change.

What we found since then is that people don’t generally respond well to this. While it can be effective, in some cases, it’s just not very sophisticated. It can also backfire. Scientists have learned more about our brains and how they work. That’s a great relief to people who battle various kinds of addiction that are sometimes pretty tough to beat.

Modern Ideas

In more recent times, people have found very different new ways of treating addiction, and some of them work much better than the old ways. Many are more based on actual psychological science and the ways that the body adjusts to input.

For example, at Elevated Recovery, we have the porn reboot, which is a very effective way of retraining yourself for better habits. You can see a lot of the success stories online etc. along with more information on how rebooting works. We use the icon of a computer to illustrate the ways that people can learn and unlearn behaviors over time. We bring our experience to our clients to help them to change for good. Take a look and see if you or a loved one could benefit from a modern addiction therapy program.

Nearly everyone understands what it feels like to be insecure.

Insecurity is one of those common experiences that most human beings share at some point. But a lot of men who enter the Porn Reboot program experience both this regular sense of insecurity coupled with what I call “porn-induced insecurity.” 

Men who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, whether it’s watching porn, masturbating, or something else, develop a negative self-image over time. The longer they struggle with this behavior, the deeper their sense of self-loathing and hatred becomes. They never learn to handle their general insecurities then compound them with the shame and guilt that comes with porn addiction. 

Oftentimes, men with porn-induced insecurity form the deep-seated idea that they aren’t worthy of love. When you believe you aren’t worthy of love, it becomes very challenging to believe that anyone else should love you. And this makes it almost impossible to trust someone who says they do.

Most men won’t share this dark belief with others but we eventually get to it as we work together. If you want to form true bonds with others, though, you need to overcome your porn-induced insecurity. How can you go about doing this?

My Experience with Porn-Induced Insecurity

I was a shy, introverted kid. My parents thought I was a little bit slow when my sisters came along and they were hailed to be brilliant. They asked, “What’s wrong with JK? He’s not doing that well in school.” It created this sense of not being enough that I eventually started medicating with pornography. 

In retrospect, I saw as I went through my reboot that I did have many opportunities to improve myself. When I was a teenager there were plenty of opportunities to be around the right people. But unfortunately the moment I found pornography, I felt I had something way more attractive than hanging out with other people. These people could have helped me shift the way I felt about myself but I didn’t know any better. So I chose porn because it was so addictive. 

I started generating a lot of shame when it turned into compulsive behavior, especially when my tastes started to escalate. I started watching these things that weren’t aligned with any of the values I grew up with. My moral fiber started falling apart and I realized I needed to end this behavior. When I found I couldn’t, though, that made the sense of shame even worse.

I was alone and desperately trying to end this behavior but failing over and over again. I thought to myself, “I am someone who watches this horrible stuff but I can’t stop.” So I started believing that I was this terrible person which led to the feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred that feed what I call porn-induced insecurity. 

How to Overcome Porn-Induced Insecurity

Address Your Low Self-Esteem

Self-confidence is the way you feel about the things you do. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person.

You might have plenty of self-confidence but still have nearly nonexistent self-esteem. You could be a great businessman with a multi-million dollar business or a top-tier bodybuilder with a perfectly chiseled body but still lack self-esteem.

Addressing your low self-esteem is the first step to overcoming porn-induced insecurity. However, it’s not as easy as deciding you like yourself and moving forward, especially if you struggle with compulsive sexual behavior.

There’s a saying that goes, “Self-esteem comes from esteeming acts.” Porn addiction and other compulsive behaviors are not esteeming acts. As you work through these things, and replace them with positive, healthy behaviors, your self-esteem will follow. It’s a slow process but it’s well worth the effort.

Become Comfortable in Social Situations

You can probably navigate your way around the relationships you’re already in. You’re likely not afraid of being around your employees, colleagues, or peers. You do a great job of handling things at home with your family or while you’re out with friends.

But when it comes to a social situation with someone that’s not familiar, you experience a lot of fear. The moment you meet a stranger and it goes beyond small talk, when there’s a chance you might truly get to know this person, you start feeling afraid. You don’t believe you’re worth others’ time so you’re likely to cut them off before they can get to know you.

Becoming comfortable in social situations takes practice, but it happens over time. The more you work on and develop your reboot skills, the more you’ll have to talk about. The more you have to talk about, the better you’ll do in social situations with strangers. As you become comfortable with yourself, you’ll become comfortable around people you don’t know.

Learn How to Express What You Truly Want

Almost every time I talk with a new man in the group struggling with porn-induced insecurity, he has no idea what he wants. If he does know what he wants, he has no idea how to express it. He doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love or being listened to, so he questions the point of asking for what he wants from the people around him.

Learning to express what you truly want is the ultimate goal of overcoming porn-induced insecurity. It’s difficult to ask for what you want when you’re too busy looking to others for direction and validation. You can’t know what’s good for you if you lack a sense of self. But you’ll feel justified in expressing your needs as you start feeling confident and sure of yourself.

Finding Support in the Porn Reboot Group

The Porn Reboot Facebook group is one of the best places for you to find support on your path to overcoming insecurity. It’s filled with brothers in this struggle who know exactly what you’re dealing with and where you’re coming from. 
Some men are new to the journey, men who are well on their way to overcoming insecurity, and men who have handled their self-esteem and now hang around to help others. You shouldn’t have to overcome your insecurities alone; the brotherhood is here to help you. Drop in today and let us know what you’re struggling with, and let us support you as you move forward in your reboot!

How many times have you told yourself that you’re done with pornography for good?

You installed a filter on your computer, canceled your subscriptions, and removed any tempting social media apps from your phone. You’re sure this is going to be the last time you’re going through this process.

Then two or three days later you’re back on your favorite site.

Until you implement a system in your life, relapse is a common part of compulsive sexual behavior. That’s why I talk about relapse prevention so often. Unless you have some strong skills in place, your behaviors are going to get the best of you every time. Today I’m going to outline 3 more qualities for successful relapse prevention. 

Understanding the Stages of Relapse

If you’re familiar with the Porn Reboot system, you know that I believe a relapse begins well before you open up that browser tab. You need to understand the stages of relapse before you can successfully prevent it from happening. I’ve found that there are three stages of relapse you go through before the actual relapse happens.

Emotional

The emotional relapse kicks off the entire process of a relapse. You don’t experience the urge to act out at this point because you can still recall the pain and regret that encouraged you to stop. You do turn to some negative coping mechanisms during this point of the process, though. Your reboot skills fall to the wayside and unhealthy behaviors take their place. You start isolating, getting too few hours of sleep, cutting back on exercise, and not eating well. Porn isn’t on your mind yet but it’s about to be soon.

Mental

The mental relapse is when you start thinking about watching pornography. Your willpower kicks in to keep you from acting out on the thought but it’s not without a fight. You start having this battle between your emotional side and your logical side. The shame and remorse that got you to quit don’t feel as acute anymore. You start bargaining with yourself, insisting that you can keep it to a few times per month but no more than once per week. You’ll read erotica but not watch porn. The urges start settling in at this point and you’re about to slip once again.

Physical

The physical relapse occurs when you choose to turn back to porn. It doesn’t matter whether it’s erotica, images, or full videos; turning back to any kind of porn kicks the cycle back into motion. You might be able to hold off the feelings of pain and regret for some time but they’ll be back before you know it. And on the cycle goes. How can you escape it?

3 Qualities for Successful Relapse Prevention

Once you know the stages of relapse and what to look for when you’re feeling on edge, relapse prevention methods will be more useful.  There are plenty of tools to keep in your reboot toolkit and these 3 qualities for successful relapse prevention offer a few more ways you can stay on the right path. 

1. Motivation

No one can stay free from compulsive behavior on motivation alone but that doesn’t mean motivation isn’t a helpful tool at times. Where does this motivation come from, though? You can find motivation in regularly reminding yourself of the negative consequences of your behavior. 

Remembering the discomfort and suffering that you went through will help you remember why you started in the first place. It helps to record these feelings in something like a journal where you can go back and refer to it as time passes. It’s a great way to remind yourself how you felt when you first quit during the times when the pain isn’t as present.

You can also remind yourself that you’re not going to achieve your big life goals while still struggling with your out-of-control behavior. This isn’t only the case for you – it’s the case for myself and most of my clients, too. We don’t achieve anything worthwhile while we’re still trapped in the cycle of our compulsive behavior.

2. Awareness

I ask new guys all the time what happened leading up to their relapse. They usually give me a simple answer like, “I saw a hot chick, got horny, and ended up watching some porn to handle it.” But they miss the subtle signs that led up to it.

Awareness is the next crucial quality for successful relapse prevention. You probably aren’t very aware when you first start on your reboot. Until you learn to develop a sense of awareness, those stages of relapse listed above happen subconsciously. 

Without a keen sense of awareness, you won’t notice when you’re in those early stages of a relapse. You’ll convince yourself that you just want to spend some time alone or that you’ll get back to your usual routine next week. Then it’s not long before you’re stuck in the cycle again. But men with a strong sense of awareness are more likely to realize what’s going on right away.

3. Ability to Be Teachable

The ability to be teachable seems simple. It’s the willingness to learn, to be open to developing new responses to old stimuli you’ve dealt with for years. It’s also having the determination to pick up skills and coping strategies you might struggle with at first. 

The reason I say it seems simple is that many men are not teachable. They don’t want to learn something new. They think they do but in reality, they’re stuck in their ways and have a hard time opening themselves up to unfamiliar experiences. 

I was like this, too, but I learned to be teachable over time. If I wasn’t willing to humble myself and try things I wasn’t good at right away, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I had to set aside my pride and ego, accept that I didn’t have all the right answers, and take suggestions and guidance from another man.

There’s nothing wrong with not having all the answers. It’s impossible to know everything but only the strongest men can admit this. Until you develop the ability to be teachable, you’re going to dig yourself further into the hole. When you open yourself to learning something new, though, you open yourself to becoming more than you ever thought you could be.

Before I get into the post today, I’m going to preface this by saying that I’m not a big sports fan.

I’m warning you now because I’m going to use playing sports as an analogy for your reboot. If you’re a big sports fan, though, you might think this is a terrible comparison, but I’m going to go with it.

You get another shot at your reboot every morning that you wake up. Until you’ve rewired your brain, you’re still in the game. 

The Critic

The critic is the first type of player in the reboot game. This is the kind of guy who always throws shade from the stands and disagrees with whatever is going on. He hollers at the players, argues with the referees, and complains about one thing or another the entire time,  but he’s not actually in the game.

When it comes to rebooting, these are the guys who judge other men trying to end their out-of-control behavior with pornography. He insists men who struggle with porn are losers who can’t get laid or are dealing with religious guilt. He believes that porn addiction isn’t a real problem and men who can’t control it are just weak-willed.

The critic also criticizes the process of your reboot as a whole. He watches as you improve other areas of your life from rebuilding your marriage to changing your diet, improving your financial situation to changing your community. As you’re separating yourself from your old behaviors, he’s always on the sidelines trying to drag you down the entire time.

Meanwhile, the critic often has his own out-of-control behaviors with pornography. But he’s usually in denial and convinced he doesn’t have a problem. He’s too afraid to make moves in his own life so he’ll tear you down instead. The critic might not even be aware of his issues because it’s easier to hide behind his passive-aggressive comments and victim mentality.

The Cheerleader

The second type of player in the reboot game is the cheerleader. The cheerleader is an all-around good guy. He’s always rooting for someone else to win and encouraging the players on the field. Similar to the critic, though, cheerleaders aren’t on the field themselves, but they are much more enjoyable to be around. 

Although the cheerleader is great at supporting others, he usually doesn’t carry the same enthusiasm for himself. He pushes to do their best but isn’t able to internalize that positivity and believe in himself. He’s the guy who tells himself he’s not smart or talented enough or is “too much” for people.

This self-doubt keeps him on the sidelines the entire game. Even though he’s a positive, fun guy to be around, he wastes his own life watching others go after what he’s too scared to try. While he’s terrified of putting himself out there, there are plenty of guys who aren’t as smart or talented as him but they still surpass him because they tried.

The Competitor

The next player in the game is the competitor. He’s the guy who is a fan of the motivational videos and podcasts, the underdog stories, those entrepreneurial rags to riches stories. But unlike the critic and the cheerleader, the competitor takes action and gets in the game. The competitor is the one who gets knocked down to the dirt but gets back up every time.

Though the competitor has his skin in the game, there’s still a drawback to being this type of player. The problem with the competitor is he’s inspired by that fight against adversity. It might seem like a motivational place to work from but it’s easy to get caught in this place. Instead of finally overcoming his setbacks, he’s stuck in them because they’re the thing that motivates him to work.

The competitor looks back after years of action but finds he has little to show for it. He’s been making moves the entire time but they don’t get him to the place he wants to be. The problem is he plays the game but he never plays it seriously enough to rewire his brain. He doesn’t experience that mindset shift necessary to overcome his problems.

There’s nothing wrong with fighting adversity but getting stuck here is a dangerous thing. You might have everything it takes to rewire your brain but there’s a final piece of the puzzle that’s missing. Until you can escape this mindset of fighting adversity and finally take the driver’s seat in your life, you’ll stay stuck in the competitor role.

The Champion

The champion is the final type of player in the reboot game. He is the real winner of the reboot game, the man who comes out on top and overcomes his out-of-control behavior. This is the type of player you want to be. 

Every champion starts as a competitor but not all competitors overcome their adversity mindset to make it to this point. The difference between competitors and champions is that competitors focus on adversity but champions focus on winning. 

Too many people get trapped in the victim mentality and vicious cycle of always overcoming adversity. They’re focused on the grind and the hustle but there’s no timeline or end goal. There’s no picture of what it looks like when you win.

There are plenty of gurus online who build their business on constantly overcoming adversity, but those gurus only build competitors. The Porn Reboot system, on the other hand, builds champions. You’re not supposed to stay around for years. You’re here to overcome your out-of-control behavior, build new habits, and move forward with your life.

Which Player Are You?

So – which player are you? Which role do you occupy? I often find that men start as a critic then make their way through each role as they work on their reboot. They begin as cynical critics, move into the encouraging cheerleader, start fighting back as a competitor, then discover they have what it takes to become a champion.
That’s exactly what our system is built to help you do. The Porn Reboot group consists of men leveling up in the world and becoming the champions they have always been capable of becoming. We want you to become the champion of your life, to take back control of your behaviors. Ready to take the next step? Join us on the path to winning today.

Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is going to be a part of your early reboot stages.

You flooded your brain with dopamine from porn for so long that getting and maintaining an erection is going to be challenging from time to time. PIED and the resulting anxiety are overwhelmingly difficult to deal with, but it’s just part of the process. 

I want to tell you about one of my own experiences with PIED and the anxiety that came with it. I struggled with my out-of-control sexual behavior back when I was in college. By that point, I knew I had a problem and had started trying to get it under control but I still couldn’t manage to.

One night we were out at the bar for college night and this beautiful Brazilian girl was there. She was on one of the sports teams at school and I’d been interested in her for a while. Long story short, we got a few drinks, danced together, and made out a little bit. I suggested taking it back to her place and she agreed.

We headed back to her place and were about to have sex, but I couldn’t perform. I finally had this gorgeous girl in front of me but nothing was happening. I started thinking about some porn scenes and managed to get a little bit hard but couldn’t maintain it. No matter how hard I tried it just wasn’t working. 

I wasn’t only anxious that I couldn’t follow through on what I started but was also worried about her judging me. It was an awkward, embarrassing, and, frankly, a pathetic situation to be in. It felt terrible.

Eventually, it prevented me from getting close to women that I was attracted to out of fear that I wouldn’t perform. Over time, this led me to throw away plenty of opportunities and I started creating issues for myself.

How many times have you found yourself in a situation like this in your own life? Maybe it was with your wife, maybe it was with your girlfriend, or maybe it was a woman you randomly met. It’s an awful predicament to be in and it only makes your anxiety worse the next time around. 

You might even be at the point I was where you can’t get close to the women you’re interested in. You’re wondering what’s the point of anything moving forward when, at the end of the day, you’re just going to disappoint her and embarrass yourself. Before long you’re internalizing all these limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. And on the cycle goes.

It’s a dark place to be in once you get to this point. I’ve been there and I know how terrible it is to feel trapped in it. Even if you might be right about some of those negative beliefs, though, you’re probably wrong more often than you think.

The truth I’ve learned about PIED and women over the years is that the extent of the problem really depends on one thing: the woman. Now, I don’t mean that your PIED is her fault. What I do mean is that not all women see it the same way. While you might think it’s a huge, embarrassing deal, there are plenty of women who don’t think it is.

See, women who are experienced with sex know that ED is something that plenty of men deal with. They’ve been with men before who have the same exact problem. These women won’t make assumptions about you based on your inability to perform. They know that it happens sometimes and they’re not going to shame you for it.

Inexperienced women tend to be the ones who have more of a problem with men who have ED. They don’t realize that ED is a common problem for many men, so they’re more likely to personalize it. These women believe your inability to perform has something to do with them, that you don’t find them attractive enough or you aren’t interested. 

When you’re in the beginning stages of your reboot, experienced women are the types of women you should look for. They’ll be more understanding of your troubles and less likely to make a big deal out of it. Because ED is far more common than you might realize.

It’s going to take time to overcome your PIED. If you’ve struggled with your out-of-control behavior for years, it isn’t going to go away in a few days or weeks. The more experience you get having sex after quitting pornography, the better you’ll perform over time. 

Check out this post to find out some tips on overcoming PIED during the early days of your reboot. You can also check out our YouTube channel where there are a few hundred videos outlining the Porn Reboot program. 
Finally, the Porn Reboot Facebook group is a free resource where you can connect with other brothers in the struggle who are ready and waiting to support you. You’re never alone as you step into this new phase of your life and leave pornography behind for good!