There are plenty of avenues available online to help you control your out of control behaviors with pornography and masturbation. You can find dozens of communities, plenty of videos, and various courses that offer a solution to your problem with porn. Not all these solutions are created equal, though, and the Porn Reboot system stands out from the others.
What makes the Porn Reboot system different?
It’s the way we view slips and relapses.
Many men make a huge deal of their slips and relapses. They focus so intently on their day count that one slip feels like the end of the world. It means complete and total failure, devastation, and catastrophe. Men who believe this tend to have a harder time coming back after a slip because they look at it with such an all-or-nothing mentality.
The Porn Reboot system views a slip or relapse as a piece of data.
That’s all it is. It’s nothing but data.
When you view a relapse as a catastrophe, you tend to internalize that belief. You likely tell yourself that you’re a loser, you lack willpower, or you’re hopeless. None of these statements are true, though, and all you’re doing is creating more pain for yourself.
If you view relapses this way you’re fighting against your brain rather than working with your brain instead. Viewing your relapse as data gives you an opportunity to understand what’s happening and apply new strategies to avoid the situation happening again.
The Porn Reboot system encourages you to reflect when a relapse happens. Truth is, you plan your relapse before it ever happens. If you don’t know how to identify the signs of an upcoming relapse, though, you’ll remain trapped in the slip cycle.
Break down the events leading up to what happened. What was the strong emotion you felt at the beginning? Which self-care practices did you neglect to carry out? If you’ve slipped a few times in a single week, what’s been going on the whole week?
The more data you collect about your relapse, the more you’ll learn about your common triggers. As you narrow down your common triggers you’ll start to understand when you’re heading for a relapse. And the sooner you realize you’re in the early stages of a relapse, the sooner you can adjust course.
Relapses are going to happen early on during your reboot. How you view those slips and relapses makes the difference, though. If you’re still viewing your slips as a personal failure, you’re going to continue slipping until you shift your thinking.
Reframing your mindset is a crucial part of the Porn Reboot process.
The sooner you learn to reset your view on relapses, the sooner you can start the process of changing your life. And this is just one of the many coping skills you learn in the Porn Reboot system. Are you ready to release yourself from the cycle of pornography addiction? Join us in the Porn Reboot group today.
Today’s post comes from a topic that one of our brothers brought up for discussion in the free Porn Reboot group. I thought it was a good thing to write about because it’s an important question. He wrote:
First of all, I know a lot of you guys aren’t going to like this post.
If two people gave you a Big Mac from McDonald’s and you knew the cashier who gave you the first one, but you didn’t know the other cashier, does that mean that the Big Mac from the person you know is healthier to eat?
Of course not because both burgers have the same content. It’s the same thing with guys who talk about having nudes or sex videos with their girlfriends or their wives. It doesn’t matter whether you know the person or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re jerking off to your own video or a random one on PornHub.
Both fall under the category of pornography.
I want to point out that this brother actually ended his out of control behavior using only the free materials I have available. He watches the videos on my YouTube channel, listens to my podcast, and is subscribed to my email list. You can find everything you need for a successful reboot available on my various channels.
It’s important because he raises a great point. Many men wonder whether images of their wife or girlfriend count as pornography. The pictures are of a woman he knows and is intimate with. He might even be in a few of those pictures.
At the end of the day, though, they still count as pornography. It doesn’t matter how relevant the person in the picture is in your life. Whether you’re married to the girl or you have no clue who she is, you’re messing with your biochemistry. Stop trying to find reasons to keep explicit material as a part of your life.
Plenty of men cut pornography from their lives but keep images and videos of their wives or significant others. They believe it doesn’t count because it’s not like the material is of some unknown woman online. This thinking is dangerous, though, especially early on in your reboot. The rationalization and justification of the explicit material will likely lead to a slip.
The Porn Reboot system requires an entire rewiring of your brain. In the early stages of your reboot, you need to remove all sexual visual material from your life to change your behavior. You need to give your brain time to reconfigure itself. Early on, your brain can’t tell the difference between a picture of your partner or a stranger. All it sees is a sexually explicit image.
Some men try to rationalize having images or videos of their partner because they already see them naked in person. This isn’t the same thing, though. Images and videos are artificial forms of stimulation, especially for men who struggle with pornography addiction. You need to rewire your brain and learn how to develop intimacy without needing artificial stimulation.
Plenty of men have erectile dysfunction when they first start their reboot. They can’t get hard without watching pornography. If this is the case for you, images of your wife definitely count as porn. You have to give your brain a break so it can start repairing your urges and your overall sexuality.
Surrounding yourself with support is crucial during the early stages of recovery, too. Like our brother above, you can join in the discussion and find a group of men who understand. We share our struggles and lift one another as we strive to become better men for ourselves, our partners, our families, and our communities.
If sacrificing explicit images of your wife means having a more fulfilling relationship with her in the long run, why wouldn’t you want to save that visualization for the real world?
When I was working in door-to-door sales, we had a manager in the company named Spartan. That guy could motivate a whole lot of people. He had this great saying that stuck with me over the years that I want to share that with you right now.
“Take the ‘E’ out of emotion and you get motion. Just take action.”
He repeated it all the time and I’ve always thought it was great. It stresses the importance of motion over emotions. There’s a time and place for dealing with your emotions but action will always take precedence. You should always remember to move forward, make progress, build momentum, and then make even more progress.
Now when I say this I don’t mean turning your emotions off and never working through them. I’m not even talking about emotions in the conventional sense of the word. I’m referring to the highly emotional states that men are in when they first approach the Porn Reboot group.
Many arrive at the group exhausted and desperate, willing to do “whatever it takes” to quit. After a few days away from pornography, though, they feel they made a big deal out of nothing and then slip. They keep acting out for as long as they can until they eventually make their way back in the same highly emotional state.
This cycle continues over and over until a man is finally able to snap out of his emotions and get into motion. He needs to commit to his reboot in a clear state of mind if he wants to make any serious changes in his life.
Maybe you’re at this point, too. Perhaps you’ve tried controlling your out-of-control behavior on your own. You’ve reached the 30 or 40 day mark once or twice but tend to slip after enough time passes. You always find yourself in the same distraught position not long afterward, ready to swear off pornography all over again.
The same is the case for men who internalize false beliefs about their relapses. When you choose to focus on the shame, disappointment, and frustration of a slip, you’re choosing emotion over motion. You can’t act rationally when you’re trapped in a self-made emotional prison. Until you choose to “drop the ‘E’,” you’re going to stay stuck.
When you’ve struggled with pornography addiction for a long time, you’ve made giving into your emotions a habit. Men use pornography and masturbation to cope with overwhelming emotions from a young age. Those who get addicted never learned proper coping skills and instead relied on porn to carry them through.
You’re used to cracking under pressure and giving in to those intense emotions. You’ve let them run the show for so many years that you’re not sure how to get into motion anymore.
That’s okay. That’s what the Porn Reboot group is here for.
You’re going to feel overwhelmed and emotional when you first arrive. Everything will feel irritating and frustrating when you first stop watching pornography. It might feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. But you’ll also have a set of actions to take every day that are part of the Porn Reboot system.
Over time, the system becomes your primary way of thinking. You no longer give in to your every emotional whim; your routine takes over and action becomes automatic. Your emotions no longer control you. This is the time that your reboot really takes hold. You have so much progress you can make if you choose to stay in motion over emotion.
Sure, there will be days when you need to let off the gas a bit. You might need to give yourself a small break. You can’t be on all the time, 24/7, after all. But that’s not an excuse to slip back into your out-of-control behavior. You can’t let yourself get caught on a down day and end up progressing through the stages of a relapse.
The moment you notice your thoughts starting to slip, get right back into motion. You can practice the skills you learned to make it through the moments of temptation. Get some exercise, read a book, or reach out to a brother in the Porn Reboot group. There are plenty of alternatives to giving in to your emotions and succumbing to relapse.
If you haven’t joined the Porn Reboot group, there’s never been a better time. We offer a supportive, understanding, and active environment for brothers looking to overcome their pornography addiction. You never need to work through your emotions alone or learn to get into motion on your own. The group is here to support you as soon as you reach out. Join us today.
There’s a movement that is taking place around porn addiction in a seasonal way, and it’s not a negative thing, but it can tend to cloud your judgment on the best ways to turn the page on this kind of stigmatized problem.
At the end of the day, the underlying goal is to get away from problematic behavior for the entire year, not for one month. So trying a ‘fast’ or lifestyle change around a particular month of the calendar can, in some cases, backfire, if there’s no deeper motivation in place.
At Elevated Recovery, our work regards breaking cycles of behavior. We know that it’s often a lot more complicated than choosing a calendar month to launch.
The activities and behaviors that our program is meant to address are deeply rooted in the male (and female) psyche. They’re very core to our psychology, and our biology as well – and then our cultural conditioning doesn’t help either.
In some ways, our clients come to us for help with addiction that is very real. And in that sense, it’s like any other addiction: you have to look at it in context. A social drinker may or may not believe that he or she is an alcoholic. The world as a whole, the external world, will provide markers and definition for whether someone is an alcoholic or not, albeit a functioning alcoholic, or a nonfunctioning alcoholic, which is more easy to spot.
The bottom line is that we have made a science out of addressing changes to human behavior. There’s a lot of hard science here, although there’s also the cultural context that we mentioned. We can walk both halves of this and converge these two very different things together, for an effective holistic treatment program and a way forward.
We know that in some ways, addiction also has to do with willpower and confidence. The problem is that people boil it down to just willpower and confidence, which is an oversimplification, and that sometimes happens around the month of November, too.
For more, take a look at the website and read deeply about how our habits and behaviors are built on profound parts of our minds and our senses of self. Then you can also read about how that can change in a healthy and positive way, without changing you as a person. We’ll be here to help you on that journey.
Are you relying on willpower to control your out-of-control behavior?
Tons of men use the white-knuckle approach to control their out-of-control behavior. It might work for a couple of weeks or even a few months but it’s not a long-term strategy. Willpower only gets you so far and if you’re relying on it right now, you need a different approach.
How do you know if you’re relying on willpower, though?
That’s what I want to cover today.
Willpower: Working Against Your Brain
Your willpower is finite, meaning it’s going to run out at some point. Once it’s gone you can’t rely on it anymore. Depending on something finite to cover you in the long run is setting yourself up for failure. It’s not going to keep you from relapsing as you get further and further from your last slip.
I’ve covered the difference between working with your brain and working against your brain. Everyone has an identity, a self-image, and a set of beliefs that works for them. If you try to make a sudden, drastic change that goes against your identity and beliefs, you have to rely on willpower.
For example, you might see yourself as the type of guy who needs some form of sexual relief when he feels stressed out. You believe pornography is a healthy way to release that tension. If you firmly believe these things, you’re not going to end your behavior. You’re going to rely on willpower alone to make any changes but those changes won’t last long.
On the other hand, working with your brain means you understand your existing beliefs. You realize that your self-image and idea of things that are healthy and beneficial is skewed. You might see yourself as a guy who can’t live without pornography right now but also accept that you can change this slowly over time.
So how do you work with your brain?
Systems: Working With Your Brain
Again, willpower is finite. You can only turn to self-control for so long before it runs out. Using willpower to control an out-of-control behavior is a ticking time bomb. You’re going to stretch yourself too thin and eventually snap.
This is where systems come into play.
You can’t rely on your willpower but you can rely on a system. Good systems are predictable, consistent, and reliable. Following a system gives you the same results day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Systems aren’t finite, either. They’re a simple, straightforward set of guidelines to follow and that’s why they work.
Sure, it might take some willpower when you first implement a new system in your life. It’s going to take some self-reliance to get you out of bed earlier, to clean your room, and to go to the gym. They’re counterintuitive to your normal state of being. You’re going to have to rely on willpower at first.
You have to take it slow when you’re starting. You need to look at each day individually and choose to commit to the system one day at a time. Choose to get out of bed on time today, to dress well today, to go to the gym today, to go to sleep on time today. Each time you decide to stick with one or more of these things it’s a win.
Recording your wins day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year leads to a change in your mindset. The system will slowly change your self-image, identity, and beliefs. It rids you of debilitating old ideas and reinforces your new understanding of yourself.
Willpower vs. Systems
Willpower is finite. Systems are infinite.
Implementing a system into your life might require some short-term willpower. Over time it becomes habitual and doesn’t require any willpower at all. This is what I’m talking about when I bring up the Porn Reboot system. It’s exactly how the Porn Reboot system works.
It provides a framework for your day. You develop a routine that works for you and replaces your old habits. You learn to work with your brain while incorporating these new behaviors into your life. Relying on the system replaces your need to rely on your willpower. If you’re ever feeling uncertain or unsure, simply turn to the system for the next action you need to take.
It’s also important to turn to the group. The Porn Reboot community is full of men living out this system one day at a time. They understand the struggles and difficulties that come with retraining your brain. These men know where you come from and they also know where you’re heading. They can guide you through the difficult days, the days when it feels like you can’t make it through.
They’ve implemented the system into their lives and don’t rely on willpower to do what’s right. The men in the Porn Reboot community make choices to move their lives forward every day. If you’re still relying on willpower to control your out-of-control behavior, these men are here to help you.
Regular listeners and readers here know that I’m big on counting days in your reboot. I don’t recommend that you keep a strict count of how many days you’ve stayed off pornography. It’s still a sign that pornography is controlling your life and we’re moving away from that with the Porn Reboot system.
You do have some idea of how long you’ve been at it, though. Maybe it’s been a few weeks or a couple of months. Do you find yourself reaching this point and slipping, though? This early reboot period is always the most challenging. It’s difficult to stay away from your behaviors when you’ve only been off them for a short amount of time.
If you feel like you’ve tried everything but you’re still slipping, this post is for you. I’m going to talk about 4 things you need to avoid early on in your reboot. I suggest writing these down and sticking them on your mirror. They’re practical, actionable things you can start doing right now.
1. Don’t stop planning
Rebooting requires a plan. You didn’t just wake up one morning and suddenly decide you weren’t going to watch pornography anymore. It wasn’t a random decision to quit. You finally told yourself you’d had enough, made a plan to stop, and stuck closely to that plan during the first few weeks.
After a little while, you might feel like you can let off the gas a bit. But men who buy into this idea usually find themselves slipping. Wavering from your original plan means you’ve lost sight of why you quit in the first place.
I see this a lot with men who commit to a 90-day period. They’re fully invested in staying away for those three months they committed to. Once they pass that three-month period, though, they immediately go back to what they were doing. There was no plan after that 90-day mark.
You must keep planning if you want to maintain your reboot. You’re going to feel happier, more focused, and more energized the longer you stick with it. If you want to keep your reboot going, though, you can’t stop planning.
2. Don’t forget the price you paid
It’s easy to lose sight of the desperation you felt when you first quit. The further you get from that feeling, the easier it is to forget the price you paid for your addiction. You might find yourself daydreaming about the “good old days” when you could unwind with a drink at the strip club or scrolling through a porn site.
There’s a reason you made the decision to quit watching pornography, though.
Once you start doing this you’re mentally investing in your old life. If you keep investing in your old life, you’re never going to move forward. You’ll keep slipping over and over until you remove those rose-tinted glasses. You have a wonderful chance at a new life, though, if you remember the price you paid to get here.
3. Don’t get too attached to the past
Change is hard. Whether you’ve been off pornography for three weeks, three months, or three years, the change will always be somewhat difficult. Committing to lasting, transformative change requires incredible investment and focus. You have to make decisions that contribute to your new way of life.
Every man finds themselves looking back at past memories from time to time. You can take a quick glance but don’t stay there for too long. Don’t get too attached to the past. There’s nothing back there that’s better than the new way of life you have today. You’re far better off with what you have now than anything you left behind you.
4. Don’t get too invested in the highs
Most men who struggle with an out-of-control behavior love adventure. We like the extreme, we live for intensity. It’s the reason most of us take the risks that we do, why we find pleasure in the things we enjoy. We enjoy the rush that comes with the choices we make. When you live a life full of highs, though, the lows are inevitable. The crash always follows.
Maintaining your reboot requires consistency. You develop a routine that works for you but that usually means removing a lot of the things that led to highs before. You’re not drinking as much as you used to, you’re going to bed earlier than before, you’re probably not hanging out with the same people as often. There aren’t the insane highs you’re used to experiencing.
At the same time, you’re also eliminating the lows. You’re removing the crash that follows those extreme moments. And by removing those crashes, you’re limiting the temptation to slip. You’re learning to control your emotional state which will help you make it through the early period of your reboot.
There’s nothing wrong with exciting times but you want to avoid investing in them. The instant gratification you were used to before doesn’t serve you today. It’s not going to help you stick to your reboot. Writing down and committing yourself to these 4 tips will, though. Rebooting is a long, committed process but it’s possible. Leading a consistent life is one of the main ways you can do it.
92% of people who set a New Year’s resolution either quit or don’t hit their goal by the end of the year.
Want to know what’s even more alarming?
80% of people who set a resolution give up on their goal by the end of February.
Are you part of that 92%? Or are you part of the 8% who sticks to their goals?
It’s okay if you’ve been part of the 92% or even that 80% in the past. Now that you’re committed to a new way of life, though, you want to be part of the group that sticks to their goals. And I’m going to let you in on a secret that will help you hit them.
Overcoming Your Resolution Struggles
I’m going to be honest with you guys – I struggled with resolutions up until about 2017. I’ve been at this for a while but New Year’s resolutions were something I still had a hard time with. Over the past three years, though, I’ve committed to making changes and turned it around. I’ve succeeded with goals concerning my reboot, health, income, businesses, and more.
What about you? What is something that could make a major difference in your life over the next year?
If you’re single, maybe you want to date more quality women. If you’re in a relationship or married, you want to have a better relationship with your wife. If you’re in business, you want to scale your business. You want to increase your sales percentage. If you’re working, you want to get promoted in your career.
These are some big goals that we have as men. I’ve watched clients fulfill their goals year after year and it makes an incredible difference. It leaves them feeling like a completely different person when they compare who they were on January 1st to who they are on December 31st.
We’ve all been the person who sets goals and isn’t able to accomplish them, though. I’ve been that person as well. I remember very clearly in the past having all the right intentions. I started the year on the right foot but then I’d give up on myself by February and fall right back into my old patterns.
I felt defeated. I felt stuck and I was doing the same things that I said I wasn’t going to do from the year before, but I was still exactly where I left off. If you’ve been in this position you know that feeling, too.
The Secret to Hitting Your Goals
There’s one major shift you can make that will make all the difference in 2021:
Treat every month like it’s the beginning of January.
Sure, January marks the start of a new calendar year. We write a new year when we’re writing down the date, we open up a fresh planner, and we celebrate the start of something new. But if you make the beginning of January that much different from the beginning of February, you’re going to fail with your goals.
You have to treat the start of every month like it’s the start of a new year.
Want an even better tip?
Treat every DAY like it’s the start of a new year.
Too often people wait to start on their goals. They wait until Monday. They wait until next week, next month, next year. People put off starting for so long that they give up before they even begin.
There’s a sense of urgency that occurs during the last couple of weeks of December. You’re almost forced to look back over the last year and consider where you were then and where you are now. But waiting until the end of the year to feel that urgency is what’s holding you back.
This secret has made all the difference for the men I work with. They’re treating the start of every day, the start of each month, as they would the beginning of January. Every time another man does this, amazing things happen.
Why is that?
We Don’t Like Feeling Like We’re Behind
As human beings, we don’t like to feel like we’re behind. Think about it. When we feel that we are not on track for something, we get discouraged, we feel defeated. We feel less than right. The worst thing is that we often give up. We give up when we don’t feel like we’re on track.
How many times have you been the person that, when you get to a certain point and feel like you aren’t on track, you just take yourself out of the game? I bet there have been years where you didn’t even start your resolution on January 1st. You started it on January 4th or 5th because the new year didn’t fall on a Monday, or you were hungover, or for some other reason. This makes you feel even more behind than you already felt.
When you treat every day like a new year, though, you get ahead of the game. You’re already prepared for the new year. You started building your routine, getting into the groove of your system, and by the time January 1st rolls around you’re ready. You’re not behind because you already started.
Anything Worthwhile Requires Preparation
Think about the things that you take really seriously, things that you have a serious stake in, right? Maybe if you were the athletic type, you had to try out for a sports team and you were in high school. Maybe it was preparing for an interview with your dream job. Maybe it was preparing to sit down in front of a board of investors or venture capitalists and pitch a business idea for your startup.
What sort of preparation did you need to put in for the thing that really mattered to you?
You practiced your sport outside of practice hours. You did mock interviews. You pitched your business idea to trusted friends who would listen. You did all these different things to prepare for this big moment. Now you need to apply that to your goals.
If you leave that preparation to January 1st, you’re going to feel behind. You won’t end up starting on your goals until a few days after. And if you’re anything like I was, you’ll get stuck in analysis paralysis and quit before you even begin.
Treating every day as a new year gives you time to prepare. You’ve already looked back at past mistakes and planned how to approach future goals. When January 1st arrives, the preparation phase is already complete. January 1st is no different than any other day because you’re already working toward meeting your goals.
Work Out the Kinks Before the New Year
It’s easy to get discouraged when things don’t go according to plan. If you’re approaching a big goal and end up hitting a wall without being prepared, you’re going to land yourself in that 80% category.
Treating every day like a new year allows you to work out the kinks before the new year comes. It also minimizes the need to be perfect. There’s no pinnacle day you’re aiming to achieve something by – it turns January 1st into just another day. It relieves the pressure that people put on themselves when creating their New Year’s resolutions.
You can have a fresh start whenever you want to when you treat every day like a new year. There’s no failure because you’re committed to trying your hardest each and every day. You can work out the kinks whenever they arise without feeling like you’ve given up on your goals.
Build Momentum Every Day
You might have heard the quote from John Maxwell, “Momentum is a leader’s best friend.” Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Starting your goals on January 1st gives you no built up momentum to go off of; you have to start fresh.
When you treat every day like the beginning of January, though, you’re building momentum daily. You relieve the pressure that comes with the idea of, “New year, new you.” You’re already setting yourself up for success long before others are even considering their goals.
Ask yourself how you want to feel this time next year. What do you want to look like, feel like, or be like on December 31st, 2021? Commit this to memory and get started NOW. Then on January 1st, keep going. When February 1st comes around, don’t stop. As you turn your calendar to March 1st, you’ve got some momentum built up behind you.
All you need to do is keep the ball rolling, keep putting coals into the fire you’ve lit. You have a newfound certainty that you never had before. There’s no doubt that you’re going to hit whatever goals you have in mind, whether it’s with your reboot, your relationships, or your business.
If you’re serious about making this year different, make the decision today. Draw that line in the sand. Continue making that decision every day from now until the end of next year. The best way to ensure you keep moving forward is to surround yourself with a community.
Getting in the middle of the Porn Reboot group is a great way to connect with other like-minded men working towards becoming better versions of themselves. We’re committed to ourselves, our families, our friends, and our goals. You’ll find the support you need to sustain yourself through 2021 and hit the goals you’ve got in mind.
This is the second part of a two-part series on overcoming unwanted fantasies. You can find the other part here.
This series is for men still struggling to overcome their out-of-control behaviors. It’s for men who continue watching or engaging with unwanted fantasies no matter how badly they want to stop. If you’re stuck in a cycle of relapses and can’t seem to escape, these techniques to overcome unwanted fantasies is for you.
Overcoming fantasies that don’t serve you is crucial. You can’t build healthy sexual behaviors when you’re still trapped in old practices. Are you still engaging in fantasies that leave you feeling disgusted with yourself when you’re through? Do you feel self-loathing for having this fantasy but find it impossible to stop?
Last week I covered using masturbation as a technique for leaving these unwanted fantasies behind.
This week I’m going to show you how to use verbalization.
How to Use Verbalization to Overcome Unwanted Fantasies
Many men struggle with unwanted fantasies when they first discover the Porn Reboot program. They’re still jerking off to things they swore they’d never watch again. These are likely things you wouldn’t admit to watching to anyone else outside your reboot support system.
As long as you’re watching or fantasizing about these things, you can’t move forward in your reboot. Verbalization is a great tool you can use to move past the sticking point. There are a few simple steps you can take to practice this technique.
Find a place you can be alone for some time because you want to make sure no one can hear you while you’re doing this. You need to speak out loud for an extended time so find somewhere you can have some privacy.
Next, set a timer for 10 minutes. You can use your watch, a clock, your phone. It doesn’t matter what you use, just make sure you give yourself 10 uninterrupted minutes. After you set the timer, I want you to verbalize the entire fantasy in detail.
Yes, verbalize it. I want you to speak about it out loud.
You’re going to open your mouth and talk about what happens in this fantasy step by step. Explain the specifics with you being one of the participants. Don’t give in to the temptation to stop early, either. Continue verbally explaining every detail of this fantasy until your timer goes off.
At this point, you’ll probably feel very uncomfortable. You’re going to experience a host of negative emotions. It’s not going to feel as exciting when you actively explain your fantasy in detail instead of simply watching it on a screen.
Now I want you to spend a few minutes thinking about an alternative fantasy that you’re comfortable with. If you’re in a relationship, call to mind a fantasy that involves your partner. Single men can recall a healthy, intimate sexual encounter with a previous partner.
This healthy fantasy will sound much more appealing after immediately explaining your unwanted fantasy. Something that might have felt tame at first now feels much more enticing once you’ve verbalized a fantasy that leaves you feeling disgusted.
It might take a few tries to get this to work. Again, arousal is not the goal here. Your goal is to replace your unwanted fantasy with this healthy, desirable fantasy. Verbalization is a safer approach than the masturbation technique so start here. If you find this doesn’t help after some time, though, trying the masturbation technique may make a difference.
Ultimately, though, lasting recovery from porn addiction only comes after you commit to making serious changes. You can move forward once you decide to incorporate the porn reboot system into your life.
There are hundreds of videos on my YouTube channel that detail plenty of the system for you free of charge. As soon as you’re ready to make a change, the Porn Reboot program is here for you – all you need to do is make the decision and commit.
I want to talk about a question that came in from a brother recently because it’s a great question. It’s one that I think many of us can relate to in the Porn Reboot program. It’s also a crucial part of overcoming your pornography addiction and eliminating the accidental slips in your life. He wrote:
Hey brothers,
I have managed to stay away from masturbation for a long time, thanks to the program. I’ve also stayed away from pornography for the most part, except for some slips which were not picked up by my pornography filters.
However, I’ve had a hard time getting rid of what you would call substitutes. Like whenever I see an attractive actress in a movie, a beautiful musician, or a stunning girl in real life, I want to check her out online.
Also, I have a hard time sometimes stopping myself from checking out bikini or lingerie pictures. I’ve added most online shopping sites that are an issue for me to my filter. But it always seems as if pictures are slipping through still.
I’ve also blocked Instagram and Twitter, which used to be triggers. I still have Facebook because of necessity, both for work and for the program, so it works okay for me most of the time.
Any ideas on how I could deal with this issue?
Let me break down my answer for you.
There Are No Substitutes
The first thing to do when you find yourself in this situation is you’ve got to examine your beliefs. In this case, that starts with the idea of the word “substitutes”. Do you see these things as substitutes?
When you’re serious about your reboots, there are no substitutes.
Everything mentioned comes under the umbrella of pornography for this brother. This is probably the case for you, too. If you’re looking up pictures of actresses online, or even women you’ve seen in real life, it’s a slip. If you masturbate to models wearing lingerie or bikinis, that counts as a slip.
If you become aroused by viewing these images, you should treat it the same way you treat any other pornographic content. It doesn’t matter whether other people see them as “lesser of two evils”. Once you slip it’s going to feel the same way. Whether you slip on a porn site or a shopping site, all slips lead to identical feelings of shame.
Dissect Your Behavior
Once you accept that substitutes are no longer acceptable, now you need to look at your behavior. The best way to do this is by writing it down in your journal as an exercise. You want to really dissect what it is that you’re doing when acting out this way.
Ask yourself, “Why am I looking up an actress, musician, or woman in real life online?”
Why do you do this? What is the purpose of that behavior? It doesn’t matter whether you saw her on the big screen, the small screen, or in real life. Why do you automatically feel the need to search for them on Instagram?
Have you ever even paused to ask yourself this?
If you’re like most of us, probably not. You’re likely stuck in a thinking loop that you’ve never bothered to question. Once you dissect the behavior, though, you realize it doesn’t serve any logical purpose at all. There’s no good reason to look her up online that isn’t connected to your addiction or out-of-control behavior.
Porn Substitutes Stem From Objectification
Here’s the root of the problem: when you look this woman up online, you’re objectifying her. Your urge to look her up online implies that what you’ve seen of her already is not enough. It isn’t enough for you until you can find more images of her and judge her from a sexual standpoint. Until you can objectify this woman, it’s not enough for you.
Now you need to ask yourself, “What does this say about me?”
When you have a habit of objectifying women it will ruin your relationships with them for as long as the behavior continues. You cannot truly love a woman because you value her only for her looks, not for her as a person.
You likely don’t realize these things you view as porn substitutes only make the problem worse. You’re looking at these women as objects, not as another human being with attributes for you to appreciate. She has value outside of her looks but you’re incapable of seeing them when you’re valuing her only on her appearance.
The problem persists even after you’ve cut pornography and other out-of-control behaviors from your life. You’re not going to progress in your reboot until you address this core internal issue. You must work through your objectification of women if you want to overcome the desire to look at these substitutes.
Strengthening Boundaries Takes Practice
Your Porn Reboot won’t be successful all at once. It takes practice to build these internal boundaries. Pornography is a clear issue for every man who comes to the program, but many neglect to consider why these substitutes are a problem, too.
Part of a serious reboot is examining each of these boundaries as they come up. Unpack your behavior. Why are you doing the things you do? What do you hope to achieve by taking a certain action? The more you dissect your behavior, the more you understand yourself. The more you understand yourself, the stronger your boundaries become.
Each time you find that your inner addict is searching for something and find it, it’s time to sit down and examine it. Rebooting takes time but you’ll make progress as long as you’re committed to the process. It doesn’t happen overnight but you’ll continue progressing as long as you stick with the system.
It might come as a surprise to you but I’ve worked with a lot of pastors over the years. These men are charismatic and influential figures within their congregation. They’re looked up to as father figures, as mentors, as guides, as coaches. They managed to succeed despite their struggles with pornography that went on behind the scenes.
This wasn’t the case for me. When I was in the midst of my pornography addiction I was certainly not charismatic. I didn’t know how to communicate, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even study. I had a hard time in college because the anxiety was so overwhelming and speaking up in front of people was out of the question.
It’s interesting that many pastors I work with hide their pornography addiction for years, but still find a way to succeed in spite of it. How do these pastors, or men in other similar influential positions, stay successful while battling their out-of-control behaviors? What qualities do they have that empower them to maintain a positive public image while struggling behind closed doors?
Influential Men Share Some Common Traits
I’ve found that these influential men have several traits in common. They share a set of characteristics that let them keep up appearances while clamoring with their demons in their personal time. The following are a few of these traits I’ve noticed over time.
Narcissistic
Most of these outwardly influential men I work with share a narcissistic trait. They believe in themselves to the point of delusion. These men believe they’re here for a specific purpose that they’re uniquely designed and qualified to fill. Sometimes this masquerades as their calling. They believe they’re fulfilling a calling that they’re destined to follow.
Obsessive-Compulsive
I also notice these men display obsessive and sometimes even compulsive tendencies. They’re obsessed with specific tasks and will not step back from or let go of them until they’re completed to perfection.
Exaggerated
Influential men tend to err on the side of dramatics, theatricality, and general exaggeration. They’re expressive when communicating and are especially capable of drawing people in with their message. Placed in the right environment, these exuberant communicators have a knack for becoming successful.
Covering the Pain of the Past
Many of these influential men I work with come from a history of trauma. They experienced some form of abandonment, neglect, or abuse that caused a deep psychological wound. Pornography or other out-of-control behaviors offered some distraction and relief from the pain of their past.
As they grow up and take on an influential role, like those who become pastors, they start to gain some form of status and power. People look up to them and appreciate their contributions to the world.
Members of their congregation thank them for the sermon they gave. Couples appreciate the guidance and support they receive during marriage counseling. Their inbox is filled with messages from people who respect and look up to them, who are grateful for their message.
These men gain a sense of positive validation from their growing prestige. It instills a belief that they’re still okay, even if they’re struggling behind closed doors. They cover their feelings of shame with the positive feedback they receive from their parishioners.
But How Do They Hide?
How do these influential individuals keep their behaviors hidden, though? What is it that keeps them getting away with it for so long? I’ve noticed two things in particular over my years of working with dozens of men in this position.
Trust
Influential men build trust with their congregation or their followers over time. People assume pastors, priests, and other religious leaders prescribe to the precepts of their religion. They’re seen as a direct conduit to God, someone who communicates directly with a deity. Parishioners trust their minister because of the religious beliefs that they assume their minister adheres to.
Once they’re in this position, they feel they have a responsibility to their congregation. They’ve built a sense of trust that they don’t want to break. They love what they do and want to maintain the work they’ve done, but don’t know how to stop their behaviors.
Isolation
Many of these men spend a good portion of time alone. You’ve probably heard that saying, “It’s lonely at the top.” Leaders have things they alone are responsible for. They’re in a position that places a tremendous amount of pressure on them. They feel they need to be a perfect person, one who can overcome it all.
This pressure increases their feelings of isolation. It feels like no one understands what they’re dealing with, especially when they’re balancing a pornography addiction. This forces them to push the secret of their addiction further and further into hiding.
Facing Fear and Rebooting
It seems easier for these men to look at the appreciation and trust of their congregation and use it as a reason to keep their addiction hidden. They don’t want to disappoint their congregation, their families, or themselves. When they’ve spent years building their identity, success, and livelihood around their image in the church, it’s terrifying to confront the truth. It’s terrifying to finally acknowledge the reality of the situation they’re in.
I do want to be clear: the pastors I work with are not bad men. They’re not intentionally harming the people who trust and believe in them. That’s what makes pornography addiction such a difficult battle to fight. These men aren’t inherently bad but they have developed a harmful behavior they must overcome.
There is a ton of fear that comes with overcoming pornography addiction as a pastor. But pastors who want to overcome their behaviors must eventually accept the devastating situation they’re in. They must face the reality of their position if they want to reboot successfully. And I’m here to assure you that pastors can have a successful reboot, too.
Pastors and other influential men can reboot just like everyone else in the Porn Reboot group. As long as they commit to changing and apply the system in their life, they can leave their pornography addiction and out-of-control behaviors behind. The Porn Reboot system works for any man willing to take responsibility for his behaviors and make changes in his life!
