J.K Emezi

This is one part of a two-part series on overcoming unwanted fantasies. You can find the other part here.

I want to preface this post before I begin: these techniques are not for everyone.

This series is for men who are still struggling with their pornography addiction. It’s for men who haven’t made much progress and feel like they can’t stop the cycle. If you’re still slipping here and there, or if you’ve been stuck in a relapse, this series is for you.

Overcoming unwanted fantasies is a vital part of your reboot. You’re not going to make much progress in your reboot until you let go of these fetishes. I’m going to cover two techniques you can use to overcome your unwanted fantasies and move forward with your reboot.

What counts as an unwanted fantasy? When you’re done with your orgasm, an unwanted fantasy leaves you feeling: 

• Disgusted with yourself
• Like you’re not a normal person
• Self-loathing for having this fantasy
• Like the fetish or fantasy is a deviant behavior

I want to stress that you’re not alone if you’re still stuck watching these unwanted fantasies. Men who struggle with pornography addiction usually find themselves watching different types of porn over time. What aroused you when you first started watching pornography likely isn’t as exciting as it was before. 

Eventually, you might find yourself watching things you wouldn’t have even thought of at first. If your fetishes or fantasies leave you feeling uncomfortable after you’ve orgasmed, you’re at the point of unwanted fantasies. Most of us progress through various fetishes until we’re watching things we would have never imagined ourselves watching before.

So how can you overcome them? That’s what this series is about.

The first technique you can use to overcome unwanted fantasies is masturbation. 

Yep. You read that right. You can use masturbation to destroy your unwanted fantasies.

Again, this technique isn’t for everyone. If you’re making progress in your reboot this post isn’t for you. It’s not an excuse to slip. You can’t use this as a cop-out to go deeper into your fantasy. This is for men still stuck at the beginning of their reboot. But how can you use masturbation to overcome your unwanted fantasies?

How to Use Masturbation to Overcome Unwanted Fantasies

First, you need to accept that this particular fantasy is unwanted. Sit down and spend some time thinking about the fantasy you want to let go of. For example, maybe you’re a straight man who watches gay pornography but you’re not actually gay. This is one of many different examples I could use.

Once again, this technique is only for men who are still struggling to stop their behaviors. It assumes you’re in the middle of a slip because you can only carry out the second step the next time you’re masturbating to your unwanted fantasy. 

The second step happens in two parts. 

First, once you’re masturbating to an unwanted type of pornography, switch your focus right before orgasm. Shift your focus to a fantasy that you’re okay with when you’re about to climax. This can be anything you find acceptable. For example, think about sex with your current partner or someone you’ve had sex with in the past and finish with this in mind. 

At this moment you might normally feel disgusted with yourself. Since you’ve switched your focus, though, you should hopefully feel more comfortable. It might not be the best orgasm you could have had but it was better than finishing yourself off to the unwanted fantasy.

This next part is key. As soon as you’re limp I want you to immediately begin the unwanted fantasy again. This means if you were watching pornography with that unwanted fetish, I want you to go back to whatever you were looking at. 

Now I want you to watch it again for about 10 minutes and don’t change it to anything else, regardless of how uncomfortable you feel. It doesn’t matter what your thoughts are or how awkward you might feel. I just want

 you to watch it while you’re in the limp state.

Each time you find yourself slipping or relapsing to an unwanted fantasy I want you to do the same thing. Switch your focus from the unwanted fantasy to one you’re comfortable with right before you finish. Then go back and watch it over again after you’re limp.

After you try this for a while, you’re going to notice that your unwanted fantasies become less preferable. You’re going to lean more toward your desirable fantasy and away from the uncomfortable, unwanted one.

If you find this strategy isn’t helpful for you, though, there’s another approach you can try. There is a way out of the pornography cycle, brothers, I promise you that. You don’t have to feel controlled by your unwanted fantasies any longer. Stay here with the Porn Reboot group and you’ll uncover the parts of the system that work for you.

Overcoming pornography addiction isn’t easy for any of us. There are feelings of shame and stigma associated with out-of-control sexual behavior that we all must deal with. Some men have a harder time with this, though, because of their occupation. The men I’m thinking about today are pastors, ministers, or any man involved in a clergy position.

The porn-addicted pastor faces a greater challenge than many of us. He’s in a position that’s held to a higher standard than most other men are held to. Pastors battling pornography addiction deal with an even deeper level of shame and guilt than most of us can imagine.

Though I’m not a religious person, I do have a lot of respect for religion. I also have a lot of clients who are religious men. I truly believe that their faith is one of the main things that helped them overcome their porn addiction. 

I’m interested in talking about pastors because I actually work with a lot of them. Many religious leaders from different faiths come to me for help with quitting their pornography addiction. These men are in a position of influence and are often seen as father figures. They’re viewed as special because they possess a sort of expertise that others don’t have access to. As a result, they’re held in higher esteem or even placed on a pedestal. 

A lot of the religious men I work with come to me because I’m not religious. They know I’m not going to judge them for their behaviors because I understand exactly what they’re going through. They trust that I’ll help them end their addiction without the risk of being exposed. They’ll be able to return to their congregation with newfound control over their behaviors.

How do pastors end up in this position in the first place, though?

Clerical Work Alone Can’t End Pornography Addiction

Many pastors and religious leaders experienced what they refer to as a calling. They responded to a strong urge to serve, a seed that was planted in them that you could say is divine.  They know their purpose is to minister to others, to help others, to lead others, to break down their religious beliefs for others. These men have a talent for spreading the word for particular religious faith. 

The one thing about a calling, though, is that it requires a certain level of self-awareness and emotional maturity. In my nine years of working with religious leaders, I’ve noticed that many of them accepted this quality before they were able to develop that awareness and maturity. It’s one of the biggest reasons they struggle as time goes on.

Eventually, some pastors develop a secret pornography addiction. They believe their vocation or vows they take will help them eventually end their out-of-control behavior. I’ve noticed while working with these men that they think clerical work can keep them from acting out in their addiction. There’s something much deeper at play here, though, and clerical work alone can’t end it. Oftentimes it only makes the problem more difficult to overcome.

Understanding Shame vs. Guilt

A lot of pastors who struggle with pornography find it very hard to differentiate between shame and guilt. The distinction between these two things is crucial, though, and I’ve spoken about this before. 

Guilt arises when you tell yourself that you’ve done a bad thing. You feel guilty for doing a bad thing or making a mistake. Shame, on the other hand, happens when you identify with the thing you did. You tell yourself that you’re a bad person as a whole, not simply a person who did a bad thing.

This confusion usually leads to a tremendous amount of shame over time. Built-up shame often leads people to feel a need to care for others more than they care for themselves. Religious leaders who struggle with pornography experience a lot of shame. They don’t know how to deal with it so they turn to help others instead and then base their self-worth on this.

He tries to help others overcome their issues. He counsels them, helps fix their problems, tries to bring clarity to their lives. He aims to make them feel happier which he tries to use as a way to make him feel like a better person. It never works, though, because he’s already identified himself as the mistake he made. He’s already told himself he’s a bad person.

Pornography Addiction that Results From Abuse

Another thing I’ve noticed is that many porn-addicted pastors come from a history of abuse. Many of them were physically abused, often hit by a father, an uncle, or a guardian of some sort. They build up a lot of repressed anger but mask it behind their gentle, pacifist personality and demeanor.

Oftentimes some religious men experience some form of sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted adult. Others experienced abandonment in their past. At some point in their lives, though, most of these porn-addicted men experienced abandonment or abuse, often during the foundational years of their life. 

Those with abuse or abandonment issues tend to prefer spending more time on their own. They get used to being alone then eventually can justify it with their vocation. They can explain it as using the time to pray, to be in communion with God, to meditate, reflect, or study their holy book. Many are indeed doing these things but they’re also continuing the pattern that started early on.

Eventually, they find solace in viewing pornography while by themselves. They use it to medicate the deeper-seated issues of abuse and abandonment from their past. Because of their profession, though, they hesitate to ask for help. This creates a vicious cycle of pornography addiction that is difficult to escape.

The Influence of Religious Trauma

The porn-addicted pastors I work with all share another common bond: religious trauma. This isn’t meant to be a blanket statement or an assumption about all religious experiences. The men I work with, though, are usually raised in a strictly religious household that hammers home the idea of being inherently sinful which breeds feelings of inferiority.

Those around him used religion as a tool to correct behavior but with little to no explanation. They learned they shouldn’t do certain things because they would go to hell but rarely learned the moral reasonings behind not doing these things. These men were scared into compliance whether or not they understood the meaning behind it.

This becomes compounded when they develop a pornography addiction later on. They know they shouldn’t be acting out on their behaviors but have little to no control over them. Many fall into the false belief their pornography addiction is a moral problem. It deepens their feelings of shame and inferiority, driving them further into isolation which makes their addiction worse. 

Porn Reboot Works for Pastors Too

These are some of the main ways I’ve noticed that the porn-addicted pastor comes to be. Although it can feel more challenging to overcome pornography addiction as a pastor, Porn Reboots work for pastors, too. Rebooting your mind isn’t always easy but it’s worth every ounce of effort you put into it. 
Porn-addicted pastors can recover from their struggles. You can escape your addiction if you’re a pastor dealing with out-of-control behavior. I’ll dive deeper into this in another post later on. For now, you can start by reading through some of my previous posts or watching a few of the videos on the Porn Reboot YouTube channel!

Over the years I’ve put out different lists covering things that cause men who have been off pornography to slip. These are more geared towards men with a year or two away from porn, though. They’re more suited for clients who have been through the Porn Reboot system or worked with me privately.

If you’re a man who has gained a couple of months without any intensive help, though, you’re probably wary of slipping. You might be wondering, “What is it that I could do that might cause me to slip? I really want to avoid that.”

I don’t want to give you a long list because I don’t want to complicate things. I’m going to keep it simple and break it down into four things you shouldn’t do when quitting porn. If you can stick to these four things then it doesn’t matter whether you’re in my system or not; you’re going to have a very good chance of maintaining your reboot and letting your brain rewire.

1. Don’t stop planning

One of the biggest mistakes I see men make is they suddenly stop planning. Chances are that you didn’t just randomly make it to four, five, or six months of pornography, masturbation, or whichever behavior you deal with. You had a plan. There was a vision in your mind that got you here and now is not the time to lose sight of where you’re heading.

You might stop planning once you reach the longest time you’ve had free from your behaviors. This is the furthest you’ve ever made it and you’re just excited to be there. You might be tempted to relax a little bit and let off the gas but this is right where people slip. You start to become reactive when you rest on your accomplishments.

It took some discipline to get to where you are, and there are certain things you did to reach this point. You started with this goal for a reason. We’re not perfect, and we’re going to get distracted sometimes but you have to keep your plan in mind.

Men who aren’t ruled by their sexual behaviors maintain their plans. They plan for months and years ahead of time. There are men with plans for six months from now or even the next year, two years, three years, or five years. In some cases, some people even plan a decade in advance. If you aren’t used to making plans, it might seem difficult at first but you will learn over time. 

2. Don’t forget the price you paid to get to where you are

I don’t care whether you’ve been off pornography for nine weeks or nine months. There will likely be times where you find yourself stuck reminiscing about the “good old days.” The days where you were chatting with random women on the internet and masturbating together. Days when you would drink or get high, enjoy pornography, and still feel good about it.

Catch yourself when your thoughts start straying like this. You paid a heavy price back then and you’re paying a heavy price to get to where you are right now. Any time you reminisce about past behavior that you no longer want in your life, you’re investing in it emotionally. 

There’s only so much energy you have to invest in the things you want. It’s better to invest that energy into your actions for today and your plans for the future. You want to focus on making positive choices that set you up for success. 

3. Don’t get attached to the past

Don’t get confused – this is different from the point I just made. You don’t want to forget the price you paid but you also want to detach from the past. Rebooting and rewiring your brain requires change. It doesn’t matter how far ahead you are or how much progress you’ve made. Chances are you’re going to need to continue making changes in different areas.

You might need to hang out with new friends or in different places. You may need to change your environment. It might be time to try some new hobbies or activities. The pull to return to the familiar can be very, very strong but you need to continue looking forward, not at the past.

Perhaps you set up a new routine where you go to bed at 10:00 PM every night. Suddenly your friends who haven’t seen you for a while reach out and ask you to come to hang out. You might convince yourself that you’re isolating and you need to spend some time with your friends. 

So you go hang out with them, have a few drinks, and return home at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. You’re a bit tipsy, maybe even drunk, and your inhibitions are down. You succumb to the temptation that arises and end up relapsing. You’ll probably try to rationalize it but the truth is you were attached to the past instead of focused on your future.

4. Don’t chase the highs all the time

A lot of men that I’ve worked with who have an out-of-control behavior really enjoy the thrill of it. It’s the thrill of acting out, of stepping out on your partner, of watching some sort of taboo type of pornography. Then, you find yourself chasing that high in other aspects of your life.

Now that you’ve gotten to a point where you’ve been off of your behavior for a while, living a life where you had a lot of highs, it makes it easy to feel more down during the lows. When something negative happens or you’re feeling a little sad, you’ll probably start to feel a bit more sorry for yourself. 

You might feel tempted to chase a thrill or an adventure for the brief high to distract you from the low. You don’t need to chase these highs anymore, though, because they usually end in a crash that involves a relapse or a depressive episode. It serves to distract or derail you from your reboot in the end when you were only searching for a quick distraction. 
Chasing the highs is no longer worth it in your new approach to life. It’s better to sit with the mild feelings of discomfort and avoid relapse than it is to risk what you’ve worked for. There is no high in the world that is worth.

Did you ever consider the connection between the election and your porn addiction? You might not think there’s anything there but I’ve noticed there is, and I’ve had the unique opportunity this year to observe the responses of men who still struggle with a porn and masturbation problem. 

This year has been filled with more than any of us expected. There’s the pandemic, lockdowns, riots, and, of course, this unprecedented election. The bottom line is that more men than ever are resorting to pornography, masturbation, and other forms of compulsive, dopamine-inducing behavior. These behaviors help them cope with all the uncertainty and feeling like they have little or no control over their future. 

The emotional cost of this election has been high for many men. There’s a constant flow of emotions on social media. Celebrities, so-called influencers, and everyday folks alike are shouting about their extreme opinions. The polarization in our country has never been so clear. And it does take a toll on us, right?

Regardless of who you voted for, the nation is going to stay divided. Half of the population still feels angry, upset, and cheated. Even still, there’s only so much that happens at the federal level. Your state and local government continue making decisions based on COVID-19 and the pandemic as a whole.

All of this affects you to at least some extent. It affects businesses and careers. It’s going to cost everyone a lot in the long run. No matter what, people will continue to be polarized. They’ll continue to be emotional. Many of them will still be infected with fear. Unfortunately, we can always count on the news media to continue fear-mongering and spreading confusion.

This all comes back to you and your porn addiction. If you’re using pornography and masturbation to handle overwhelming emotions, temptation has never been higher. The incredible amount of uncertainty right now probably feels like too much to handle.

I want to make it clear that for you, a man who is trying to control an area of his life, the most important vote you can make is the one for yourself. Every step that you take to regain control of your life is a vote for yourself. Controlling your sexual behavior is in fact one of the biggest votes you can make for yourself.

When it isn’t in control, it’s absolutely impossible to experience any form of sustained happiness. You’re forever stuck chasing tiny little pieces of false happiness all over the place. Even if your candidate won, basing your happiness on these external factors is always going to be short-lived.

You have to do the actual work needed to change your life. As long as you commit to the process and make enough votes for yourself, there’s no way you can’t win, regardless of what happens in the world. 

Elections deceive us into placing all our hopes and dreams for our future on some political candidate. It’s really a crazy thought if you consider it. That person is never going to personally reach out to us to guarantee us success and happiness. You’re the only person who has control over your success and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that politicians can pass regulations that affect your livelihood and mine. These decisions could destroy currency value, erode traditional values, or any other number of things. I understand the importance of politics and I realize they have their place.

My point is what you do for yourself matters far more than anything a politician can do. The plans you make, the decisions you act on, the things you do to improve your own life. So, ask yourself, have you done enough to control your own life? Or have you given your power over to the whim of the elections?

Have you been busy getting emotional, feeling triggered, worrying about your future, and letting the circumstances lead you closer to a relapse? That’s the point I’m trying to make here. That’s the important thing to keep in mind amidst all of this. You’re the only one who can take the action to control your out-of-control behavior. 

If you don’t vote for yourself, brother, no other vote you make will truly matter.

As with living with any addiction, internal changes are part of the process of healing. The same is true of the porn addiction recovery process, which shares similarities with drug and alcohol addiction recovery programs. The body experiences a detox; then, the brain must relearn how to overcome its dependence on high-level stimulation and adjust to operating on a more normal level. This physical process can take several months for the body.

As the body detoxes, withdrawal symptoms such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, and difficulty concentrating can all be experienced. While these symptoms are uncomfortable, they are merely a temporary state as the body and brain work through letting go of toxins. For people addicted to pornography, the ending of detox symptoms brings freedom from addiction’s compulsion.

Porn Addiction Recovery Brain Re-Training

Where porn addiction differs slightly from alcohol and chemical dependencies is brain stimulation, which must be brought down into a more familiar framework. It can be challenging to re-train the brain to a less stimulating routine of everyday life used to functioning at such high levels. Pornography over-stimulates the mind, which craves hyper-stimulation over the regular daily activities that it once enjoyed. 

Addicts become bored, depressed, and focused on feeding their needs, causing self-isolation. To persevere in porn addiction recovery, people must begin to resume the activities they enjoyed before addiction. Beginning hobbies, becoming more physically active, and participating in social and family gatherings can help re-train the brain to adjust to the decreased stimulation. 

Easing The Stress

Recovery’s struggle can create added stress in an addict’s life, but the process can be made more comfortable with a robust support system. Attempting to recover alone will compound issues that can then lead to falling back into old habits. Relying on a recovery coach or therapist to assist in the journey is critical. It is entering back into your life with a renewed appreciation for the opportunity to develop a deeper appreciation for yourself and the beauty in your life. 

Actively participating in your porn addiction recovery is key to freedom from its bondage. As you strengthen your existing relationships, seek new ways to enjoy your life, and focus on fulfillment from activities and hobbies, you will find that your brain can adapt to its current state, giving you back the experience you wish to have. 

When you are ready to seek recovery from porn addiction, or if you need support during your journey in other ways, contact Elevated Recovery today to heal your tomorrows. 

We all have those points where we hit what I call an “emotional slump.”

You know what I’m talking about. It’s those days where you feel you don’t know why your working anymore, why you’re a father, or why you’re even trying to end your out-of-control behavior. 

An emotional slump happens when you lose sight of your purpose or when you’re overwhelmed by so many negative things that you feel a little stuck. But, how do you get yourself out of that space?

Gratitude.

Gratitude is a great way to pull yourself out of an emotional slump.

You’ve heard people explain the importance of gratitude. They talk about it in pretty general terms and simple suggestions. Be grateful for what you have, sit down and spend some time writing out what you’re grateful for, and I’ll admit, that even I discussed it in these general terms up until the past few years. 

I realized there’s more to gratitude than most people get into. I decided to dive deeper into gratitude as I started setting larger and larger goals for myself. Today I want to share what I’ve learned during these explorations of gratitude. If you learn to practice and express gratitude this way, it’s going to make a massive difference in your reboot.

Ask Yourself Some Gratitude Questions

The purpose of this practice is to pull yourself out of an emotional low point and set yourself up for success. You have bigger goals in life today and your emotional slumps will keep you from reaching them. Sticking to surface level gratitude won’t get you the results you need. To dig deep into gratitude, I start by asking myself a few gratitude questions.

What am I actually grateful for?

What are you actually grateful for? Identify whatever that specific thing is. It can be something that seems simple, like food or shelter.  These are incredible things that we tend to overlook the most. Maybe you’re grateful for your partner’s caring nature or ability to handle things you can’t. For me, I’ll give the example of being grateful to just be alive today.

Why am I grateful for this?

Now dig into why you’re grateful for this thing. What does it bring to your life? Why is it important? For example, I’m grateful to be alive because I’ve had a handful of near-death experiences in my recent history. A few years ago I nearly drowned in the sea while trying to save a member of my team. It was a very, very close call and it has given me enough reason to be grateful to simply be alive today. Go into detail just as I did above. It brings you into the present moment and reminds you why what you’re grateful for is truly a blessing.

How am I going to express my gratitude?

Consider how you can express your gratitude. What is something you can do? It’s one thing to simply acknowledge you’re grateful for something. But remember – the goal for this exercise is to pull you from a slump. You can’t just feel grateful and leave it there. Expressing your gratitude brings it into the real world. In this case, I would express my gratitude by calling my parents. They are the people who gave me life and then made sacrifices to keep me here. I can call my parents as a way to express gratitude for being alive.

What action am I going to take to express it?

This is where most people drop off. You can write all the gratitude lists you want but if you don’t take action, you never make a change. We practice this throughout the Reboot system. You’ll never end a call or conversation without determining an action step. What action are you going to take to express your gratitude? For my example, I will find out what my parents’ schedule is and ask them when they’re free for a call.

Bringing This Into Your Life

You can practice this gratitude exercise in your mind but it’s much better to write it out. There’s an additional layer of commitment when you write something down. Your thoughts are hypothetical. Writing is an action that brings them into the real world. I suggest you write down your answers to the gratitude questions. 

Decide a good time of the day…every day to practice this gratitude exercise. I find that writing about gratitude as part of my morning routine sets the tone for my day. By the time I finish the last question, I have  an action item to act on immediately. When I follow through on this action, I’m already building action momentum. 

Then you can use this momentum you build with your gratitude practice to carry you into your next task. It keeps things simple and straightforward. You stay reminded of your purpose as you move through your day and are less likely to slip back into that emotional slump!

“The good thing about not investing in yourself is that you get to keep the money. And the bad thing about not investing in yourself is that you get to keep your problems.”

Most men who struggle with pornography addiction and other out-of-control behaviors also deal with another issue. They have a deeper-rooted problem that keeps them trapped in the cycle of addiction. Perhaps it’s an issue with intimacy or connection, or it could be significant difficulty with socializing.

These issues don’t have to be sexual in nature, either. There are plenty of roadblocks to taking control of out-of-control behavior. They may have to do with self-image, self-confidence, or self-esteem. It could be a problem with their general mental health, their work life, or their physical wellbeing. 

Whatever the problem is, if it’s getting in the way of overcoming out-of-control behavior, it needs to be addressed.

Maybe this is the case for you. If you’re a driven enough individual, you’ll make some progress on your own. You read dozens of articles, watch videos on YouTube, and even participate in an online community or two. At a certain point, though, you might hit a roadblock. No matter what you try, though, you can’t seem to make new things stick. 

Some of you may be dealing with some sort of mental health issue. You might be dealing with an issue in your relationship. You could be dealing with a career issue, a finding your purpose issue, or a health issue. It feels like you’ve done all you can but you still can’t seem to get things under control.

You’ve reached the point where it’s time to invest in yourself.

I don’t just mean investing time and attention into your efforts. I mean investing actual money into your well-being. If there’s an aspect of your life that you seriously need help in and you haven’t made any progress in years, you should seriously consider investing in that area.

My Personal Investment Story

You’ve heard at least some of my personal investment story if you’ve been around the Porn Reboot community long enough. I struggled with my dating life for years. I wasn’t terrible-looking but I was awkward. I was introverted, I didn’t know how to take action, and I didn’t know how to make myself more attractive. My self-image and self-esteem were poor.

This is probably the case for some of you, too. Some of you might look well put together on the surface. You have a great job that you excel at. Your finances are in order. You’re married to a good woman, one who takes care of you and your family. But your self-esteem is still low, right? You have self-confidence when it comes to your work, but the way you feel about yourself is terrible.

I thought I could fix that on my own in my case. I could read, take the lessons I learned, and apply them to my life. I consumed hundreds of blog posts on how to meet women, approach them, talk with them, all these different things. I applied them to my life and got some good reactions but ultimately didn’t get what I wanted: sexual experiences or a relationship.

The man whose blog I read offered a coaching service. Just like we do here with the Porn Reboot system, he gave away plenty of advice and recommendations for free but he had a paid coaching service for men who needed additional help. I finally reached the point where I realized I was one of these men and reached out for help.

This choice to invest in myself was easily one of the best decisions I ever made. It was a huge turning point in my life. I had done everything I could do but was still stuck with my addiction. There were no more blog posts that could help me solve my problem. Connecting with this man finally pushed me over that last hurdle and onto my present-day path.

What’s Your Roadblock?

What’s the thing you struggle with that’s keeping you from moving forward in life? Take a moment to reflect and look at what’s holding you back. Is it your health? Is your relationship struggling? How is your mental health? What about your overall direction in life? Determine which areas you’re struggling in and invest in yourself.

If you’re having a hard time getting in shape, hire a coach. There are hundreds of qualified nutrition and fitness coaches online who specialize in helping men lose fat and gain muscle. Taking care of your physical health comes with a ton of benefits, too. It’s not only about your physical appearance. The hard work and dedication that it takes to get in shape carry over into other areas of your life. 

If your mental health is suffering, invest in a therapist. Take the time to with a mental health professional who can work with you to uncover what’s holding you back. It might be a situational problem or you might find you have a diagnosable disorder. Whatever your specific case may be, a therapist will help you work through and learn to adapt to those difficulties.

Maybe you feel like you’re in the wrong career. You might benefit from investing in someone who is an expert at helping people discover what they’re good at. Everyone has unique skills they offer and you can hire someone to help you find out what your particular strengths are. You can take your discoveries and use them to determine a more appropriate career.

This applies to your reboot, too. Most of the Porn Reboot program is available for free online. I have hundreds of videos and blog posts detailing anything you might want to know about ending your pornography addiction and out-of-control sexual behaviors. You might need some extra accountability, though, and that’s where the Porn Reboot group comes into play. It connects you with men who understand your struggle but are serious about their reboot.

Your Future is Worth the Investment

When I suggest that you invest in yourself, do you feel you can’t afford it? I hear this often. Look at it this way, though: you’re already spending that money on escorts or OnlyFans or chat sites. Why not invest that money in yourself instead? Why don’t you divert those funds into something that’s going to have a positive impact on your life?
Find the things that are holding you back and invest in someone or something that will help you work through them. I not only do this in my own life. I recommend it to my colleagues, to the men in the Porn Reboot group, and to folks I interact with in every life. There’s nothing more beneficial than investing in yourself. The return is far greater than any other investment you could make!

Porn, masturbation, and other compulsive sexual behaviors take away your control over your life. You become a chess piece in the game of life rather than the chess player. The whole premise of the Porn Reboot system is to get your life back under control. It takes you off of the chessboard and puts you back in the position of calling the shots. How do you do this, though?

One of the important concepts in the Porn Reboot system is what I call recovery time. It simply means putting aside a certain amount of time, preferably in the morning, for working on your out-of-control behavior. 

When you don’t make any morning recovery time, you go through the day as you usually do. Once an urge arrives, though, it’s almost too late to turn to your tools or strategies. Like I say often, thoughts of relapse are a sign that your relapse has already started. 

I find I have a better day when I put aside some specific recovery time. I use this time to reflect on how far I’ve come as well as any mistakes I’ve made recently. I’ll look at challenges I’ve had in my reboot that week, boundaries that I may have crossed, and where my urges came from.

It doesn’t take too much time as long as you commit to the process. You just have to put aside a few minutes to reflect. As a result, you start controlling your reboot and, as a result, controlling your life. You’re trying to get your out-of-control behavior back under control and recovery time is a crucial part of this process.

Taking time for reflection allows you to assess what’s going on in your life. Use your recovery time to take stock of your situation and circumstances. The most important thing in the present moment is control and one of the easiest ways to get control is to know what happened in the past.  You have to dig into the root causes of your urges.

During your recovery time ask yourself some questions. What happened yesterday? What happened last week? What happened after your last slip. Consider these questions each morning. As you do this over time, you start to uncover patterns in your reboot and in your life. This gives you the ability to predict what will happen to you in the future. 

It’s common sense. You’ll notice the structure after you do this for a few weeks. If you keep doing x, then y is going to happen. For example, if I eat a lot of sugar or carbs, then I’m going to crash. If I go to sleep late at night, I’m going to feel tired and groggy the next day. If I watch that Netflix series with too many sex scenes, the next day I might feel some urges.

The patterns in your own life will be specific to you but they’ll probably be something similar to those above. You have to do the work to determine which patterns you struggle with specifically. As you reflect during recovery time, you start stepping out of the role of a chess piece and into the role of the chess player. You’re regaining control of your life.

All you have to do is put aside some time each day. I started becoming the chess player in my own life when I started doing that. I anchored myself each day with 45 minutes of recovery time in the morning and I suggest you do the same. Sit down, spend the time writing and reflecting, and you’ll soon notice the shift in your life, too.

You’ve heard the recommendations on sleep for adults in the United States. Everyone knows that an average of 6 to 8 hours per night is the suggested amount of sleep. Men who struggle with pornography addiction and compulsive behaviors often have a hard time with sleep, though.

We experience inadequate amounts of sleep, poor quality sleep, or an inability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Some experience only one, some experience each at various times, and some experience all three at the same time. 

Needless to say, sleeping is a problem point for most men in the Porn Reboot program. We also realize, though, that we put ourselves at a higher risk for relapse if we don’t get our sleep together. Taking control of your sleeping patterns is crucial if you want to overcome your pornography addiction.

Are you having a hard time managing your sleep? I’ve got a few suggestions for you to help you take control of your sleeping patterns and have a stronger chance at ending your compulsive behaviors.

Prioritize Self-Care

You might think self-care is a girly thing to do. Self-care often ends up associated with putting on a facemask, taking a bath, lighting some candles, and relaxing. It’s far more than your favorite Instagram influencer would have you think, though. 

Self-care is the best thing a man can do for himself. It’s a priority for every man in the Porn Reboot program. Self-care applies to anything that helps you feel rejuvenated and ready to take on your day and sleep falls under this umbrella.

Before starting your reboot, watching porn was your go-to way of relaxing. Now that you’ve removed porn from your life you need to find new ways to care for yourself. You have to develop new self-care practices and coping strategies to replace your old behaviors.

Your reboot won’t be sustainable if you don’t put self-care at the forefront. The system is intense at times, demanding a level of focus and dedication that you might not be used to at first. You won’t be able to maintain your reboot if you aren’t also practicing self-care during the process. Prioritizing self-care means prioritizing sleep.

Get Some Exercise

Getting exercise during the day is crucial if you want to get a good night’s sleep. It’s not just because you’re trying to tire yourself out enough to fall asleep quickly when the evening rolls around. Exercise helps you manage your cortisol and melatonin levels in a healthy way. Go for a run, practice martial arts, lift some weights. Whatever it is, find something that works for you. 

Cortisol is the stress hormone. Melatonin is the sleep hormone. Men who struggle with pornography addiction tend to have elevated cortisol levels and low melatonin in the evening. This makes it harder to both fall asleep and stay asleep. You’re not going to get an adequate amount of sleep if you’re battling stress hormones every night.

Exercise helps moderate the balance and release of cortisol and melatonin levels. Higher cortisol levels earlier in the day tend to mean lower cortisol levels and higher melatonin levels later in the evening. Managing these hormones through exercise makes it easier for you to get to sleep at night.

Expose Yourself to Sunlight

Staying inside all day makes it harder to fall into a proper sleep pattern. Get outside and expose yourself to some sunlight every day. Sunlight encourages the production of serotonin, the feel-good neurochemical. Serotonin not only helps you feel good, though, it also is the precursor to melatonin production.

Exposing yourself to sunlight is another way to encourage natural melatonin production in the evening. The more you get your body to produce melatonin, the easier it will be for you to fall asleep and stay asleep at night. 

You should also keep your blinds open during the day. If you can’t spend as much time outside, opening your blinds is another way to get some sunlight exposure. Filtering sunlight into your room or home can help your brain produce serotonin, too.

Stay Hydrated

Be honest – are you drinking enough water during the day? Staying hydrated is an important part of sleep regulation. This doesn’t mean slamming a 32-ounce bottle of water before you go to bed. That’s only going to keep you from staying asleep because you’ll have to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

You need to stay hydrated throughout the day instead. Why is that? You’ve probably heard that water makes up 70% of your body. That’s not only true of your body, though. Your brain is also made up mostly of water. If you’re dehydrated, your brain will have a harder time regulating your sleep appropriately. 

Understand Sleep Cycles

You don’t need to be a sleep cycle expert to get good sleep but you should have at least a basic understanding. It won’t do you any good to get the recommended 6 to 8 hours of sleep if it’s all poor-quality sleep. You need to ensure that you not only get enough sleep but that it’s quality sleep. 

In my opinion, the two most important parts of the sleep cycle are REM sleep and dream sleep. If you can get enough sleep within these two stages, you’ll function better than someone who sleeps more but doesn’t spend as much time in REM or dream sleep. 

For example, I function well on 6 hours of sleep because I can get four 90-minute sleep cycles in that time. Someone who needs 8 or 9 hours of sleep needs longer to achieve those quality sleep cycles. The more care and attention you direct toward ensuring quality sleep cycles, the better your sleep will be.

Adhere to Some Simple Sleep Rules

I have some little rules that I adhere to which contribute to the high-quality sleep that I get. You should try out a few of these things to see whether they make a difference in your sleeping patterns:

These rules are a great place to start out. As you start to prioritize your own sleep, you’ll learn some rules that work for you personally, too.