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Porn Addiction Problems

Porn Addiction Problems

Balancing Social Media and Porn Addiction Recovery

Porn Addiction Problems / By
Balancing Social Media and Porn Addiction Recovery

Some things I often see in the Porn Reboot group are:

“I slipped on Twitter.”

“I slipped on Reddit.”

“I slipped on YouTube.”

“For some reason, I can’t stay off social media and I keep slipping.”

If you can’t stay off social media and you continue slipping because of it, brother, I have a hard pill for you to swallow. You’re either a trial rebooter, you lack self-discipline, or you’re lazy. There’s no other way around it. If you won’t remove the thing that’s keeping you trapped in the cycle of porn addiction problems then you have a problem on your hands.

A man who is fully committed to his reboot will recognize when things are more of a hindrance than a help. They will let go of whatever gets in between them and their reboot success. They’re willing to make complete lifestyle changes to avoid ever falling into the cycle of compulsive porn, sex, and masturbation again.

Social media makes it easy to numb out and not think about what’s going on in your life. When you cut out porn you might find that you replace it with endlessly scrolling on Instagram or Facebook or some other social media platform. Whether you realize it or not, you’re doing the same thing with social media that you did with porn, sex, and masturbation: you’re running from pain.

Our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot system is simple but it is not easy. It requires your complete willingness to give up your old thoughts, beliefs, and ideas so you can replace them with newer, healthier, more helpful thinking patterns and habits. Scrolling through social media is another way of disconnecting from the world, especially if it’s leading you to slip.

No one needs social media. It hardly existed 20 years ago. But now it’s become an expected part of engaging with others and it can feel impossible to let go of. However, if it’s getting in the way of your reboot then it will be more than worth the effort to remove it for as long as necessary.

Some brothers are part of the Porn Reboot Facebook group, though, and need the support that the group provides. I know that’s the case for me. If it weren’t for our group I’d never be on Facebook. But it’s a necessary evil so I can stay in contact with all the brothers looking for help.

If you find that social media is problematic for you it might be time to cut it out. If you’re part of our Facebook group, there are a few steps you can take to eliminate all distractions aside from the group itself.

  1. Install a browser plugin or extension that eliminates your Facebook feed. I have one that replaces my entire feed with a single positive quote. Every time I log in all I see is a new quote for the day.
  2. Schedule your Facebook use and limit it to once per day, or twice if you asked for some support and need to check back on your post.
  3. Remove everything from your Facebook profile that does not bring value to your life.
  4. Practice deleting social media from your phone every so often. Disconnecting from the need to feel constantly connected is a great way to reframe your relationship with social media.

Ultimately, social media is a tool. It’s a tool that has grown into an incredible behemoth over the last two decades, but it’s a tool nonetheless. If you choose to use it as such you can receive great benefits from it. But if you allow that tool to control you and determine when you use it, it’s far from helpful.

If social media is too difficult or distracting, it’s best to take some time away from it. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and trying again once your behavior is under control. You may even find that what you gain from social media isn’t worth the trade-off of the freedom you feel when you remove it. Ultimately, the best solution for you is the one that supports your successful reboot.

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How to Stop Being Needy While Dating

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How to Stop Being Needy While Dating

I’ve got another great question from a brother in our implementation program to share with you today. He says:

“Hi, J.K. I recently started casually dating again. There’s a girl I’ve been seeing once a month for about four months now. We’ve been physically intimate up to third base. On our last date, I made a move to go further, but she was visibly exhausted, said she wasn’t in the mood, and wanted to go home.

“I felt mentally flustered because I had fantasized about what would happen but it played out differently in reality. I noticed that I’ve been emotionally overinvested and needy of her time and companionship. I know it’s normal to care about someone you’re intimate with, but sometimes it becomes overbearing. 

“She’s also the only girl I’ve been intimate with so far but I’m working on meeting new women. I’m sure that has something to do with my attachment to her, too. How can I detach myself emotionally from these experiences?”

There are three traits that I know will help this brother with his struggles. If this is something you’re dealing with, too, adopting these three skills will make your dating experience smoother.

Outcome Independence

There is something called “outcome independence” that I believe is a very necessary skill. It’s important not only in your dating life but in every area of your life. It simply means that you aren’t overly invested in how any given situation turns out. Outcome independence is based on a stoic mindset but applies to everyone whether they adhere to stoicism or not.

On the other hand, outcome dependence means your entire emotional state depends on a very specific outcome that you expect to play out. This mindset is detrimental to your reboot because allowing your emotions to hinge on situations outside your control puts you at a greater risk of relapse.

In terms of dating, outcome independence looks like not caring whether you and the girl you’re dating have sex when she comes over. If she wants to, great. If she changes her mind and isn’t in the mood, it doesn’t make a difference to you.

This applies in marriages, too. Intimacy tends to slow down after spending a few years with your wife. Many men get upset when the sex becomes more infrequent and become frustrated or angry over it. When you’re outcome-independent, though, you choose to continue living your life despite your sex life with your wife. She’s much more likely to be interested in an independent man who continues living without groveling for her affection.

Abundance Mindset

This brother also mentioned that the girl is the only one he’s seeing at the moment. Brothers who are casually dating but only seeing one woman at a time tend to fall into the scarcity mindset trap. They view the girl they’re dating as their one and only option which increases their dependence on her. Your mindset heavily influences your attachment to her.

You need to also develop an abundance mindset in addition to outcome independence. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to have sex with a ton of women. However, you should probably talk with multiple women at a time who are open to being intimate with you. It is easier to see that this particular girl isn’t the only option you have.

Talking with multiple women also gives you a chance to reach out to someone else if the girl in question isn’t in the mood to be intimate. You know you have another girl or two who may be interested instead. Having an abundance mindset relieves those feelings of dependence and neediness that are common for men dating only one woman.

Define Casual Dating

The third thing you need to do is determine what casual dating means to you. Casual dating doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. It seems like it’s a set state but different people have different ideas of what casual dating consists of. 

Are you primarily interested in casual dating or just in casual sex? How often do you want to see her? What should your time together consist of? Get clear on what casual dating means to you and be upfront about what you want from it. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself feeling resentful and frustrated when your expectations aren’t met.

Don’t Neglect Other Areas of Your Life

When you start dating, don’t cut back on other parts of your life. You need to maintain your existing hobbies and activities while finding spare time to spend with any women you choose to date. If you neglect these other areas and pour yourself completely into dating, you won’t have anything else to fall back on if a date doesn’t work out.

You need to maintain what works for you, such as a gym routine, time with your buddies, and your independent hobbies while you’re dating. No woman should take over your life completely; you still need things that interest you apart from her.

Reach Out For Support

Leaning on your brothers in the porn addiction recovery reboot program for support is crucial when you first start dating. There are hundreds of men who understand what you’re going through and likely have suggestions to handle situations as they arise.

The more men you have around to support you, the easier it will be to avoid those feelings of neediness. Every man in the Free Porn Reboot group has their own porn addiction problems and knows what it’s like to lean too heavily on a woman at the beginning. Through sharing your experience and hearing the experiences of others, you’ll learn that there’s no reason to feel too needy.

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I’m In Love With my Co-Worker

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I’m In Love With my Co-Worker

I have another question from a brother in one of our groups today that I want to share with you. He said:

“Brothers, I feel like I will end up slipping, if I’m not already slipping, because of a relationship I’m seeking. I got divorced almost three years ago. My ex-wife and I didn’t have any children. I went back to being single the way I was before getting married for a couple of months. 

“Now I’ve developed an interest in one of my coworkers. She is much younger than I am, at least 15 years younger. She has already mentioned she’s in a relationship, but I’m still trying to reach out to her in different ways, given that this is work-related. I don’t want to end up in a situation that I’m going to regret. If you have any advice or suggestions I would appreciate it.”

I was the director of a large sales company for many years. I started at the company as a door-to-door salesman, moved up to a management position, and finally was promoted to the director role after a few years. During my time at the company, I maintained a very specific principle: never dip your pen in company ink. Meaning, don’t get involved with women at work.

I’ve always dissuaded employees, interns, and contractors from dating within the organization. Pursuing relationships in the workplace is almost never a good idea. It always comes with so much risk. There’s the loss of productivity, the risk of drama, and the possibility of being accused of harassment. 

There are very few exceptions to this rule. In this day and age, separating romance from work is the best thing you can do. Now I want to break down different aspects of our brother’s question. It’s an important one because it’s something many of us consider. Despite the dangers that come with it, most of us spend a large part of our time at work. The idea is bound to come up at some point.

This brother starts by mentioning his fear of slipping. I’m guessing that his concern stems from the possibility of slipping to mitigate the pain of not being in a relationship, meaning the lack of intimacy. The pain of rejection from a coworker is also a possible trigger for a relapse.

He also points out that he went back to being single “the way he was before getting married” for a few months. I assume this means having casual sex with different kinds of women but not pursuing anything serious. While this can be fun for some time, it can also amplify the lack of intimacy and feelings of loneliness, especially after being married.

The woman in question also said she has a boyfriend. Now whether that’s true or not isn’t the point; the point is her saying that means she’s not interested. She made it clear that she doesn’t want to pursue anything with this brother of ours. His continued efforts may place him in the position to be accused of sexual harassment if he doesn’t let up.

There’s also the factor of the 15-year age gap. While I have nothing against age gaps so long as the woman is at least 18 years of age, there are still some concerns. Sure, she may be old enough to date but why would you want to run the risk of fulfilling the “creepy older guy” stereotype? Sometimes it doesn’t matter that she’s 18, 21, or even 25; she might just be too young to pursue.

Ultimately, there are thousands of other women in any area. There are so many options available; why only hold yourself back to the women you see yourself every day? Limiting yourself to seeking relationships in the workplace stems from a scarcity mindset. Get out there, start dating some different women, and realize that she’s not the only one.

Again, this brother is probably suffering and in some emotional pain because of his divorce. It sounds like he’s probably missing some of the intimacy he had with his wife. But seeking that intimacy through causal sex will never fill the void. Nor will pursuing women in the workplace. He needs to get out in the real world and start dating again to rebuild that lost sense of intimacy.

If you’re struggling with the same thing, brother, know that you’re not alone. I know you might think your situation is different and that pursuing this girl at work won’t be a problem, but trust me it will be eventually. Don’t limit yourself to women at work; get out there and start talking with the many different women around you.

In the meantime, join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group and let us know what you’re having a hard time with. Maybe it’s workplace romance, maybe it’s getting back into the dating game, maybe it’s simply starting your separation from porn addiction problem, sex, and masturbation. Whatever it is you’re working through there’s another brother dealing with the same thing. Follow our porn addiction recovery program and you never have to handle your difficulties alone; there’s a brotherhood waiting to support you here at Porn Reboot.

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Porn Addiction Problem: Struggle With Intimacy

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Porn Addiction Problem: Struggle With Intimacy

I’ve noticed that men feel a sense of urgency to learn to be intimate with their partners as they progress through their reboot.

The years of porn addiction problems eroded their partner’s trust and made it increasingly difficult for them to open up. Developing intimacy is an important part of rebuilding that trust but how can you do that?

Just like your behavior destroyed your partner’s trust, it also affected your ability to be intimate. Before you can learn to rebuild intimacy with your partner you must learn why you struggle with intimacy in the first place. What is it that makes intimacy so difficult for men who are working through an out-of-control behavior?

1. You had no positive examples of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Even though I know my mom and dad loved each other, they never really demonstrated what a healthy relationship entailed. I watched them fight often. I saw him hit her sometimes. She hit him back, threw glasses, screamed. Neither of them provided an example of what a relationship should look like.

I know the same applies to lots of men in porn addiction counseling and our porn addiction recovery reboot program. Their parents didn’t serve as a good model of a healthy relationship. This might be the case for you, too. If you didn’t have a positive example of what a partnership should look like, you won’t inherently know how to build intimacy.

2. You experienced betrayal or inconsistent behavior from people you looked up to while younger.

When role models are absent or inconsistent during your developmental years it makes it difficult to learn how to build intimacy. You adopt negative views of people who are supposed to be taking care of you. Instead, you learn that depending on people leads to hurt and disappointment. You believe that people will never follow through on what they say they’ll do.

These betrayals and inconsistencies don’t create a strong foundation for building intimacy. Trust is a necessity for intimacy. If you can’t trust the people who are supposed to care for you, how can you possibly trust someone else? And if you can’t trust them, how can you build intimacy with them?

3. You believe that lying is the best way to avoid negative consequences.

There were times during my childhood when my parents punished me unjustly. Sometimes they hit me harder than they should have. Other times they were unnecessarily cruel. I didn’t understand why back then but looking back now it was likely because they were stressed out and exhausted. The last thing they wanted to do was deal with a kid who had made a mistake.

I soon learned to lie as a way to avoid those unfair punishments. It kept me somewhat safer while I was younger but it didn’t stay in my childhood. Unfortunately, that practice stuck with me through adolescence and into adulthood. It was easier to be dishonest and avoid discomfort than it was to tell the truth and deal with whatever the outcome was.

While lying may help you avoid those consequences, it’s not a useful practice to keep up as an adult. Eventually, you need to learn to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. This is especially important if you have any hope of building intimacy with your partner.

4. You experienced abandonment.

Abandonment is a painful feeling to experience as a child. Maybe your parents got divorced and one of them left without looking back. When you were let down by those who were supposed to care for you, it often leads to the narrative that everyone you care about will eventually leave.

If you still carry this belief as an adult it will make it impossible to build intimacy. You’ll always be half-in/half-out because you believe your partner will eventually leave you. You must learn to work through these old feelings of abandonment so you can build an intimate relationship.

5. You survived some form of abuse.

Abuse occurs in all forms, from mental and physical to spiritual and sexual abuse. Being a victim of abuse is never your fault no matter what you were told or how it may feel. Abuse destroys your ability to develop intimacy. It causes deep, lasting damage to the psyche and takes time to overcome. 

Experiencing abuse at the hands of someone who says they love you teaches you to associate abuse with intimacy. This is particularly true if it happened while you were a young child. Learning to identify and remove yourself from people who exhibit abusive behaviors is challenging but necessary if you want to overcome your struggles with intimacy.

How to Build Intimacy

Once you understand why you struggle with intimacy, learning to build intimate connections is the next step. I’ll dive into this topic on another day because it deserves its own post. Building intimate connections with your partner is crucial, but understanding intimacy is also important for building fulfilling relationships in general. Unless you can learn to overcome the stumbling blocks above, as well as any others you may experience, you’ll continue having a difficult time building intimate relationships with others.

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Porn Addiction Problem: Insecurity Around Other Men

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Porn Addiction Problem: Insecurity Around Other Men

A brother in our group noticed this recently and initiated a great conversation and by the way, he had major porn addiction problems. He said,

“I went to a bachelor party for my cousin not too long ago. When I arrived at the place and saw nothing but brand new BMWs, Benzes, Audis, and all these other luxury cars. There were like 50 of these different cars. Meanwhile, I pulled up in my Honda Civic with a different colored door.

“I saw a ton of guys with loads of money walking in and out of the building so I didn’t walk in. I didn’t even make it past the parking lot. I left because I was so filled with feelings of shame, anxiety, and inferiority. Have you guys ever experienced something like this?”

I appreciate these vulnerable posts because they often express something most of us deal with. You might think you’re alone in feeling a certain way but I can almost guarantee you that at least one other brother in the group relates to what you’re going through.

Feeling insecure around other men is a big problem for guys like us. As you may know, I grew up in poverty and my academic performance was terrible. When I was in my twenties and took my first job in door-to-door sales, I realized it would take many years for me to get those nice things our brother talked about in his post. 

Although I couldn’t immediately acquire these nice external resources, I realized that I could maximize my internal resources and my external physique in the meantime. I developed a dedicated gym routine. I started working on my social skills. I was determined to overcome my crippling anxiety. I knew that honing these skills would make a massive difference as I worked to get some of those nicer things I wanted. 

While these things didn’t get me a nice car or a nice apartment, they did keep me from worrying so much about the station wagon I drove around. I felt strong and confident, less concerned about what others thought of me. That confidence played into how I carried myself, how I integrated with others, and how I felt about myself as a whole.

Here’s the thing, brother: yes, it’s great to drive a nice car. It feels awesome to have a huge house, an expensive watch, designer clothing, and luxurious vacations. I won’t deny that those are all enjoyable things.

But here’s the other thing: if you don’t do any internal work and develop some confidence, none of your external circumstances matter. You could roll up in the most expensive Maserati on the planet but if you don’t know how to carry yourself then you’ll still feel insecure. You might be able to cling to your possessions for some time but they’ll eventually give way and you’ll find yourself feeling inferior again.

I truly believe that you should first focus on developing yourself. Work on your personality, your character, the energy you give out, the way you carry yourself, and your physique. When you focus on developing these things to the highest possible level, the result shines much brighter than even the nicest car you could buy.  Eliminating porn addiction problems along the way.

Of course, there’s also nothing wrong with upgrading your vehicle to one that has four doors that match. But developing yourself allows you to carry yourself with confidence regardless of your circumstances, and that is something that no one can take away from you.

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Overcoming Porn-Induced Fetishes: Reclaiming Natural Arousal

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Overcoming Porn-Induced Fetishes

“Hey J.K., how do we get rid of porn-induced fetishes? In my case, I have fantasies of being dominated. Things like femdom, face-sitting, edging, and even pegging are a turn-on. When I hear or read the word dominant or domination, it involuntarily makes me think of femdom. And sometimes I even get a soft erection from just hearing the word.

“It makes me disgusted and yet I still find pleasure in it. I’ve started to meditate to increase my awareness of these thoughts and emotions, but every time my mind thinks of pornography it fantasizes about domination. Will this go away with time as I abstain from pornography or do I have to address it in a specific way?”

Porn-induced fetishes are a common experience for plenty of men who deal with porn addiction. I’ve written and talked about them in the past, offering various techniques for overcoming them. As you get deeper into your compulsive porn use, you must seek out more extreme genres to achieve arousal. This usually means finding yourself watching increasingly questionable types of pornography, things you may not have imagined yourself interested in.

Over time, these varying kinds of pornography can affect your arousal template. You might find yourself stimulated by acts that you were never intrigued by in the past. This is exactly what this brother is experiencing now with his femdom fantasies. 

Before I go further, I want to point out that there’s nothing wrong with fetishes. Human sexual behavior covers a vast range of interests, fantasies, and fetishes, and you’ll learn to be comfortable with your preferences as you reboot. Today I’m talking about those that are strictly porn-induced, not those that are a genuine part of your sexuality.

I also want to reassure you that you can overcome porn-induced fetishes. More often than not they aren’t a permanent thing. Time away from porn should help you return to your normal arousal template. If you commit to the reboot process you’ll find that you can overcome a lot more than you ever imagined.

Developing awareness is the primary way to work through your unwanted porn-induced fetishes. Self-awareness is key to separating your natural sexual interests from those that arose as a result of your porn addiction. Learning to recognize feelings you experience when thinking about different sexual experiences is key to this process.

For example, porn-induced fetishes cause feelings of shame, regret, and disgust. If you notice any of these arising, you’re likely dealing with one that’s porn addiction problems. The more you learn about yourself and the more you remove porn from your life, the easier it will be to separate the two.

This awareness comes as part of the reboot process. It takes time to figure out what parts are leftover from your porn addiction and what parts are your natural arousal template. As you stick with the system, though, you develop clarity of mind and body. You recognize what is and isn’t for you. And it’s not because you’re fighting your brain; it’s because you’re working with it.

Once you’re fully rebooted, you’ll find that fetishes that left you feeling disgusted with yourself are no longer a part of your life. You won’t feel that small bit of excitement like our brother does when he hears the word “dominant.” Those old fetishes will no longer have power over you and you’ll get to walk the world a free man. This incredible gift is only one of the many things you’ll find as part of the process in Porn Reboot.

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The Most Detrimental Porn Addiction Problems

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The Most Detrimental Porn Addiction Problems

Pornography is a central part of society today.

Although people don’t explicitly talk about it, millions of people view porn around the world. Instant access to high-speed internet pornography has created a massive issue among men and women of all ages.

Over the last two decades, attitudes towards pornography have relaxed. It’s almost expected that everyone consumes some form of porn. And the numbers back up that assumption. More than 92 million people access Pornhub every day, breaking down to 63,992 visitors per second.1 Porn sites rank among the top most-visited sites on the entirety of the world wide web. 

Instant access to high-speed pornography has created serious porn addiction problems in society. Addiction to pornography is on the rise and it impacts every area of life. From relationships to careers to finances and more, porn addiction can infiltrate and destroy every aspect. How does compulsive porn use affect a person’s life?

What Are Some Porn Addiction Problems?

While using porn isn’t particularly healthy in many circumstances, porn addiction adds another layer of complication. Porn addiction problems affect not only those who consume it but the people who produce it, along with the industry as a whole. What are some of the problems caused by porn addiction?

Problems for Porn Users

The most straightforward and self-explanatory porn addiction problem is less satisfaction with sex in real life. Porn eliminates all intimacy, strips down relationship-building to the bare essentials, and ultimately establishes false expectations. Think about any “storyline” you’ve seen in a pornographic film; how closely does that align with reality?

Pornography deteriorates a person’s ability to build healthy relationships. It causes men to view women as objects rather than whole people with their own wants and needs. Women become a tool for men to use for pleasure, not a person.

Additionally, the more porn a man watches, the more he must think about porn to maintain arousal during intercourse.2 Traditional sex becomes less arousing after watching porn for months or years. Sex in real life becomes less engaging when you’re used to seeing every possible fantasy play out on the screen in front of you. 

Porn addiction problems expand to other areas of life, too. Your career is impacted when you repeatedly show up for work late after staying up all night watching porn. This affects your financial well-being, especially if you blow a business deal or end up losing your job. 

Pornography addiction symptoms also affect your marriage, your family, and your friendships. They affect your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Porn addiction effects impact your self-confidence, self-esteem, and overall self-image. Ultimately, pornography touches upon every aspect of your life.

Problems in the Industry

Porn addiction problems aren’t limited to the people who watch it; they also affect those who participate in its production. There are countless problems plaguing the porn industry from casting to producing to distributing.

One of the primary problems that porn addiction creates within the porn industry is the demand for increasingly extreme genres. As people consume more porn, they become desensitized to what they’re watching on screen. They need more intense scenes and situations to feel aroused.

While it’s easy to separate from people in porn scenes, they are real people acting out what you watch on screen. This means everything you watch on screen was something a real person had to experience for your pleasure. Violence against women dominates the porn industry, with upwards of 95% of aggression in porn scenes directed at women.

That violence also carries back into real life. People begin to believe that women really want what they see on the screen and some bring it into their sexual encounters. For example, one study shows that 59% of women have experienced slapping, biting, or hair-pulling during consensual sexual intercourse.

Human trafficking is another major porn addiction problem experienced in the industry. Pornography “talent” must come from somewhere, and not everyone is interested in participating. The amount of human trafficking that occurs because of the porn industry is astounding.

How to Quit Porn Addiction

With all the problems caused by porn addiction, it’s difficult to see why someone would still engage. However, it is a serious and progressive problem, and knowing how to stop porn addiction is a difficult thing to learn. Porn addiction withdrawal often keeps men trapped in an unwanted cycle of compulsive porn, sex, and masturbation.

Thankfully, our porn addiction recovery program which is the Porn Reboot system offers a pathway to escape the porn addiction cycle. You can quit your porn addiction and never feel the need to rely on porn again. Porn Reboot is a system that works with your biology to help you overcome your dependence on porn. By rebuilding the areas of your life that porn took away, you’ll find freedom from the grips of porn addiction.

References

  1. Enough is Enough. (2021). Pornography.
  2. Archives of Sexual Behavior. (2016). Pornography and the Male Sexual Script.
  3. Violence Against Women. (2010). Aggression and sexual behavior in best-selling pornography videos.
  4. Savanta ComRes. (2019). Survey of UK women aged 18-39 on their experiences during consensual sexual intercourse.

 

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Porn Addicts and Strip Clubs

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Porn Addicts and Strip Clubs

One of our brothers brought up a great question to the group recently. He said:

“What are your thoughts on strip clubs? I regularly attended clubs once or twice a month for two years before starting my reboot. At first, I thought it was good practice for me to talk to girls because it was almost guaranteed to happen every time. 

“After a while, though, I got very attached to a few of the girls and it became difficult to manage my emotions around that. I knew they just wanted my money but it felt like something more at times. I loved the attention and the feelings of intimacy, even though I know it wasn’t genuine. What do you think?”

I want to preface my answer by saying I never went to strip clubs during my addiction. They were never my thing. I didn’t step foot into a strip club until just a few years ago when I was invited to coach a group of men during a conference. The conference was in Vegas and the particular session I headed up was held in the VIP room of one of the biggest strip clubs in the city. 

I was over 10 years into my reboot by this point so the atmosphere did nothing for me. We arrived before the club was open to the public, before the seeming glitz and glamor of the night show. The girls sat around on their phones or chatting with one another but weren’t dolled up for the evening yet and they looked like normal girls to me. Without the heels and makeup, they seemed like any other girl.

When the session ended and we had to leave the club, though, the clients had arrived for the night and the girls’ transformations were complete. They were in their G-strings and stilettos, strutting around and commanding the attention of nearly every man in the room. It was a pretty wild thing to see, to watch the dynamic between these women and men. And it further confirmed everything I thought about strip clubs up to this point.

I don’t appreciate strip clubs because I believe we must earn intimacy. True intimacy is not something you can trade for a few dollar bills or drinks. It doesn’t happen under the flashing lights on a stage. It’s not going to stride up to you in 6-inch heels and sit down on your lap. Intimacy is something you earn through working on yourself and building a relationship with someone else, not buying their attention night after night.

Women who work in strip clubs are doing a job. They will say and do whatever it takes to get you to pull another bill from your wallet. This brother knows that’s true because he pointed it out in his question, too. But they’re good at what they do and it’s easy to believe that they truly care about you. This isn’t a knock on these women; they’re on their hustle, too. It’s a knock on the men who believe that they’re buying genuine intimacy for a few 20s and a couple of shots.

I believe strip clubs are a crutch. They keep you from having to do the work necessary to build true intimacy. Why would you transform yourself? Why bother learning to be vulnerable, open up, communicate, listen, and touch when you could get it immediately the moment you walk into a strip club? Sure, it might seem like good practice on the surface but it will only stunt your capabilities in the long run.

Strip clubs also feed into the false belief that women owe you attention and intimacy. A woman does not have to be sexual with you. She doesn’t owe you a damn thing, brother. But when you walk into a strip club, you believe that with a few dollars, you can convince a woman to do anything you want her to do.

Again – this is her JOB. Take away the environment you’re in and that woman wouldn’t give you the time of day. You aren’t building intimacy or practicing true connection by going to strip clubs and I encourage you to avoid them, brother. You’re fooling yourself if you truly think a strip club is a good place to work on talking to women.

Instead, I encourage you to learn the hard way. Reject the shortcuts and build the resilience it takes to earn true intimacy. Turn your focus inwards. Start sharpening your game. Figure out what you still need to work on and start working on it. How is your physique? Are you confident in your career? Do you have the financial resources to take women out or care for one when you do find a woman you’d like to date long-term?

It’s easy to resort to strip clubs when your self-esteem is low and you feel like you’ll never end up with someone. This is why working on yourself is so important. The more you build yourself up the more confident you become. You feel better about yourself when you look good and can provide for yourself. No woman wants a man who doesn’t care about his appearance or place in the world.

Even if strip clubs aren’t your thing, brother, this is a great approach to take. Anything we use in place of true intimacy, whether it’s strip clubs or porn or chat rooms or cam girls, all of it detracts from your ability to build genuine relationships. Once you remove these things from your life and begin building yourself up, you’ll start to see why earning intimacy is the preferable path.

Sure, it takes work. Sure, it comes with some rejection and heartache. But the potential relationships waiting for you on the other side are more than worth it. Take it from me – I’m with a woman I never would have landed while still in my addiction. It took turning my focus inwards, though, and building myself up to reach a point where I was ready for this type of relationship.

I am confident that porn addicts have no place in strip clubs. I’m sure my answer doesn’t surprise anyone who has been around for a while, but I wanted to expand on my thoughts a bit more. Until next time, brother.

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The Isolated Porn Addict

Porn Addiction Problems / By
The Isolated Porn Addict

Today’s topic comes from a question brought up in one of our groups. This brother asked,

“J.K., I read your post saying that people who try to live a balanced life tend to not know what their priorities are. I’m headed into my second year of university and my goal is to boost my GPA and improve my social reboot capital by joining clubs at school. 

I tend to isolate myself when it comes to my studies, though. I don’t participate in class discussions or answer questions when the teacher asks them. Instead of studying with friends, I go to the library alone and study by myself. I stay in my room, sleep, and repeat. 

Is it possible for me to hit both goals or do I need to prioritize one over the other? I don’t want this year in university to be like the first one when I felt overcome by loneliness as I watched my peers connect, but I also don’t want to fail my classes either.”

This is a fantastic question. I appreciate it because it applies not only to our brothers in school but to our brothers in their careers as well. Whether you’re busy with classes and studying or work and trying to build a business or get a promotion, each of these is an important achievement to work towards.

At the same time, many of us find ourselves isolated from our fellows as a result of our out-of-control behavior. We spent years withdrawing from others as we hid away in a cocoon of compulsive porn addiction problem. Reintegrating with the world is a vital part of the reboot process.

But what does rebuilding your social reboot capital look like? It might not look the same for you as it does for other brothers, especially if you’re more of an introvert. This brother mentioned that he prefers studying alone at the library or in his room. He’s attempting to put himself out there by joining some clubs on campus, but he still finds himself spending much of his time alone.

Social reboot capital doesn’t necessarily mean you can tolerate spending hours at a time with people. You must determine who you are as a person when identifying what an effective social reboot looks like for you. That means finding the amount of socialization you can tolerate before losing interest.

Honestly, I’m a pretty big introvert. I find it rejuvenating to spend time alone. I don’t mean isolating myself from people for weeks at a time, but I need some alone time every day. That applies at home, out on the road, or even on guys’ trips with my friends. I recently went to Nashville with some buddies and while they all booked an AirBnB together, I opted to get a hotel room nearby.

I still had some work to do and clients to speak to so I needed space for that. I also prioritize my morning routine and don’t want interruptions, so having my own space made that easier, too. And honestly, there’s only so much catching up I can do with these guys though I still see them as great friends.

We were out there for three days. I had a great time when we went to dinner, hit the gym, or stopped by a bar. I could socialize with them through all of these events and had a blast doing it. At the same time, it was nice to have a space to return to at the end of the night where I didn’t have to deal with guys staying up, talking, and drinking all night. I could maintain my priorities while still having a great time with my friends.

I used to feel like that meant something was wrong with me, but the more time passes, the more I realize that I’m simply an introvert. I need that time alone to recharge my batteries. That might be the case for this brother and it may be the case for you, too. There’s nothing wrong with needing a bit more solitude than those around you.

Don’t use your introverted preferences as a reason to avoid engaging with others, though. It’s important to find some ways to socialize that are interesting and engaging for you. You can join campus clubs, sign up for a dance class, join an improv group, enroll in a martial arts class, or start Brazilian jiu-jitsu, just to name a few. It’s important to put yourself out there socially at least once or twice a week so you start interacting with the world again.

Putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations is the only way we will grow. I had to do it when I was selling Bibles door-to-door as I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about or read here on the blog before. I needed to purposefully put myself in situations where I needed to be social, no matter how uncomfortable I felt at the time. 

One of the most important ways you can put yourself out there, brother, is to be a friend. The best way to find a friend is to be a friend. I decided I was going to be the type of friend I was looking for and this was by far the most effective approach I could have taken. I chose to show up for people until they gave me a reason not to. I became far more willing to spend time with people I would not have normally spent time with. And the results were pretty incredible.

I’ll admit not all of those friendships worked out. Some guys I spent time with were needy, others were consistently negative. On the other hand, some of the men I met during this period are still my best friends today. They’re creating exciting lives, building successful businesses, starting beautiful families, and enjoying what the world has to offer.

So I don’t think this brother is abandoning his GPA to build a social life. I think he can find a good balance between the two things by getting honest with himself about who he is and how he prefers to socialize. Perhaps he’s expending more energy than necessary by telling himself he needs to be more social than he prefers. And the same may apply to you, too.

Start by identifying what an effective social reboot looks like for you and go from there. Determine how your progress in your schooling or career fits into that social aspect. And even if you choose to spend more time on your own, don’t neglect the critical component that socialization brings to your reboot either. You can reach a place in the middle that works for you because you alone know what’s best for your social situation.

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Getting Out There

Porn Addiction Problems / By

I often get asked by men about what’s likely to happen to their sex life during recovery.

This question comes as no surprise. 

There’s a popular opinion that trying to have sex while struggling with porn addiction can lead you to sex addiction. Those guys who ask me about it are likely worried about their condition getting worse.

Well, I can say with confidence that this opinion isn’t true. 

You won’t make your addiction worse or get addicted to sex if you have sexual relationships with women during recovery.

In fact, having sex could save you from your porn addiction problems.

How do I know?

It’s because I proved it myself.

You see, during my recovery, I simultaneously worked on improving my sexual life.

I also dedicated two whole years to working on my anxiety issues with women. 

In doing so, I spent that time approaching and talking to women who I found attractive. I also had sexual relationships with some of them.

Now, I didn’t pick up that idea out of nowhere. It came from a book by Albert Ellis, the founder of rational behavior therapy. 

Ellis was a psychologist who had an issue with anxiety. To overcome it, he spent the entire summer going out to a park and talking to hundreds of women. 

Granted, that approach was a bit extreme, but it worked for him.

A similar approach worked for me, too. In fact, I can say with certainty that doing so can bring your deepest issues to the surface.

During those two years that I spent meeting and approaching women, I came face to face with my darkest demons. I also became aware of how deep my porn addiction was. 

The key thing in all of it was exposure. 

By putting myself out there, I got into a situation where I could no longer run from my issues. I had to shed some of the limiting beliefs I had about women and sex, learn how to connect with women authentically, and endure plenty of rejection.

As a result, I overcame my social and sexual anxiety. 

I know that this exposure helped my recovery immensely. 

And I know it can do the same for you, even if it sounds scary right now.

So, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.

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