And I have decided that this will be my last year coaching.
Before I explain what that means, please allow me to share some basic data.
I’ve been porn free and rebooted for 16 years now.
I’ve been coaching for 12 years.
There are many stats I can share – but the most important one is the men who ended their out-of-control behavior.
In all honesty, my tracking of rebooted clients was sloppy till 2020, when I actually hired someone to track rebooted brothers.
All men were full-time members of our program. This data does not include the hundreds of men who ended or controlled their behavior using our free resources, nor does it include those still in the program who have yet to reboot.
2020: 282 men
2021: 238 men
2022: 264 men
2023: 323 men (out of those who enrolled in Dec 2022)
I don’t know if those numbers are “impressive” or not because I don’t give a sh*t what any other program or therapist accomplishes.
What I do know is that these men were done with this behavior inside of a year; their behavior was tracked, and their lives were transformed.
I love reboot coaching. It changed my life, the life of the Elevated Recovery team, and that of thousands of men.
However, as you can see from the numbers above – my impact is limited.
If we could add a “0” to the end of those numbers every two years or so, the world would be a much better place.
Growing older has me thinking of the impact I can make and HOW I can make it.
Right now – it isn’t through coaching. And let’s keep it real – 16 years is a long time. I don’t know what’s out there these days in terms of porn. I just know how to free men from its bondage.
The world is rapidly sexualizing and morally rotting.
You see it.
Sex trafficking, Onlyfans, AI girlfriends, normalization of child s*xual abuse…
It’s disgusting.
It is time for PornReboot to become a movement.
A force beyond me. Something which every rebooted man can teach other men.
That’s why 2024 will be my last year coaching men in groups.
I will still coach select clients one-on-one on a limited basis. You can learn more about that here.
I will remain the CEO of Elevated Recovery, but coaching in Elevated Recovery will be carried by our Certified Reboot Coaches – men who have been my personal clients and trained with me for 2-4 years while demonstrating mastery of their reboot.
Remember, we have coaching 7 Days a week in the Implementation program – sessions also run by Coach Milan, Dr. Eastman, etc. Personally, I will continue to coach my a$$ off until the end of this year.
Our goal is 700 men rebooted. More than double last year.
You can still catch me group coaching in the Implementation Program and every week in the Intensive program (which includes 1-1 coaching every Wednesday afternoon) through December 2024.
If you’d like to be coached by me during this last year of coaching to end your out-of-control behavior, schedule a call with my team here: https://elevatedrecovery.org/survey.
I recently sent an email filled with dating tips for men who are early in their reboot.
One of our brothers replied to a particular section in the email and I wanted to share his question and my answer with everyone in the group. He said:
“J.K., in your email you mentioned that ‘Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk.’ I’m curious why you believe this is the case. Some men in the group are not currently in committed relationships but would still like to have sex lives.”
The quote this brother pulled removes all the context that surrounded it. My original sentence read:
“Take time to get to know the women you are dating. Having sex with women you aren’t in a committed relationship with will always put your reboot at risk. Slow things down and take the weeks or months needed to determine whether this woman is somebody you’re actually interested in.”
I don’t want this message to be misconstrued because I don’t have anything against strictly sexual relationships. I think it’s good for men to have sex during their reboot; learning how to reengage with women that way is critical. But the way you go about developing those relationships is important.
A lot of men do not understand that they’re missing the intimacy portion when it comes to sexual relationships. Pornography addiction destroys your understanding of intimacy because porn strips all intimacy out of the equation. It appeals only to your most basic primal urges, but sex in real life doesn’t work that way.
However, until you understand how to build intimacy, sex will always put your reboot at risk. That’s the important distinction I need you to recognize. You cannot develop healthy sexual partnerships (including uncommitted partnerships!) if you do not know how to have an intimate connection with the woman you’re sleeping with.
What are some of the risks that come with uncommitted sex?
Unpredictable Emotions
There’s a lot to learn when you begin the reboot process. Developing emotional awareness and maturity is one of the most difficult parts. You’ve spent so many years numbing and suppressing your emotions that you don’t know how to sit with them at the beginning of your porn addiction recovery.
Having sex outside of a committed relationship means more emotional unpredictability. When you don’t know the woman well you’re not going to know how they’ll react. If you’re still learning to identify your emotions, this possible emotional volatility on her part can negatively impact your ability to manage your feelings.
Inconsistent Sexual Experiences
Developing intimacy is easier when you’re in a committed relationship. You have consistent experiences and can learn about your partner’s particular preferences. You’re more likely to develop healthy sexual behavior at a consistent pace when you have sex in these circumstances.
Having sex with different partners creates an inconsistent experience. You can’t apply a standard across the board; every woman is different. Each has her preferences, needs, and responses to sexual relationships. Intimacy may look different to each of these women, too. You’re going to have a harder time learning to develop intimacy with inconsistent partners.
Expectations
Expectations are the root of many of life’s troubles. People feel let down when they develop expectations of another person that end up unmet. The longer you spend with someone in a committed relationship, the easier it will be to develop healthy expectations of that person. You have a general idea of who they are, how they behave, and what each of you needs.
When you’re not in a committed relationship, though, expectations are harder to manage. You may only want consistent sex while her expectations are more along the lines of going on fun dates. Misaligned expectations can lead to some uncomfortable conversations. If you don’t have the skills to navigate these conversations yet, you’re far more likely to medicate that discomfort with porn or masturbation.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
The best way for you to have sex outside of a committed relationship is to first learn about yourself and your needs. You must understand what it is you want from a casual partner so you can communicate those needs effectively. If you’re not able to determine what they are or you have a hard time setting and maintaining those boundaries, it’s better to focus on yourself for the time being.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex. I think it’s great to get that out of your system before settling down with a long-term partner. Once you know where your boundaries lie and how to share those boundaries with your potential partners, then you’re more ready for some uncommitted, enjoyable, casual partnerships.
While this is not a Christian system and nor am I a Christian, I do have a lot of Christian clients. I work with men who are ministers, monks, former monks, believers, and even pastors of megachurches. There are plenty of religious men who are part of the Porn Reboot group and I want to help these men today.
A brother asked,
“Hey J.K. I’m a Christian and I want to wait until marriage to have sex because I’m still a virgin and would like to save myself for my spouse. I also believe that masturbation is probably wrong. Is there anything different I should be doing if I plan to have absolute abstinence from all sexual contact before marriage?
“I’m also worried that my future spouse will have a lower sex drive than me. What is a good way to determine whether she and I will match in sex drive? How important is that overall, anyways? Thanks, brother.”
Again, while I am not a religious person and this is not a religious system, I fully support my Christian brothers. If you’re a Christian man who struggles with porn addiction problems, I understand what an overwhelming thing it can be. I hold no animosity or judgment for my Christian brothers and mean no disrespect to any religion here at Porn Reboot.
I want to break down this important question for you if these are some things you’re having a hard time with, too.
Is Masturbation Wrong?
This gentleman mentioned that masturbation is “probably” wrong. I hear that from a lot of my Christian and Muslim clients. They believe that masturbation is wrong but you can almost always hear the hesitation in their voice when they say this.
Here’s the thing, brother. You either believe in something or you don’t. You cannot believe that something is “probably” right or wrong. If you’re in this position, you “probably” don’t believe that’s the truth. Someone may have implied that it’s wrong, suggested that it’s temptation, or even explicitly told you that it’s wrong, but deep in your heart, you may not believe that.
At the same time, this half-belief creates a deep sense of guilt and shame. Once you’re addicted to porn and can’t control your sexual behavior, you’re left feeling like a sinner, like a weakling, like less of a man. You might believe that you’re going to hell for your actions.
In reality, though, you may not be as awful as you think. Your porn addiction might not be an addiction at all, either. You may be so conditioned by your religious beliefs to see yourself as a sick, compulsive, sexual person but realize after talking with us that your behavior isn’t as compulsive as you originally thought.
Sometimes we’ve even talked with Christian men who believed they had a problem when they showed up to the Porn Reboot group. After spending some time around the group, though, they realize their problem wasn’t as severe as they thought. They’re able to go about their lives with a newfound understanding of masturbation and come to terms with their natural, inherent, biological sexual drive.
Abstinence Before Marriage
Abstinence before marriage is a personal decision for every person. While I never recommend complete abstinence, nor is the Porn Reboot system based around it, I’ll never tell a man what he should do when it comes to his personal beliefs.
I have found that complete abstinence works for some men but not for others. We teach control over your sexual behavior and help you learn to manage your sexual urges. We also teach you how to accept yourself as a sexual being and that means we don’t recommend complete abstinence.
If abstinence is part of your religious convictions, though, you may want to leave these aspects of the Porn Reboot system aside. There’s nothing wrong with abstinence before marriage if that’s the path you choose to take but it will mean leaving behind some parts of the system that don’t align with your personal religious beliefs.
Sexual Repression
The biggest problem I notice among my Christian clients is the shift toward sexual repression. A lot of men who remain abstinent end up in the realm of sexual repression rather than rebooting. They believe that being free from porn and masturbation for a few years means they’ve successfully rebooted, but that might not be the case.
I hear from men with these porn-free years who find they still experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. They haven’t acted out on their behaviors for years but still cannot achieve an erection naturally. Men who are in this position haven’t rebooted, they’ve only repressed themselves sexually.
While having sex isn’t a required part of the Porn Reboot system, we do require that you don’t repress yourself sexually. We need to find out what that looks like for you, especially if you’re choosing to remain completely abstinent until marriage. But when you fall into this space you’re still not fully rebooted and have some more work to do.
Differences in Sex Drive
This is a problem I hear often from men who choose to remain abstinent until marriage. The truth is, there’s no way for you to know what your future wife’s sex drive is like. You’ll never know until the two of you finally have sex.
At the same time, there’s also no way for you to know what your sex drive is really like either, especially at the start of your reboot. You are dealing with compulsive behavior. You do not know the difference between your actual sex drive and the urges you’re medicating with porn, masturbation, and sex.
You’ll only learn what your natural sex drive is as your brain rewires over time. Men who actively have sex during their reboot can learn about healthy sex sooner than men who choose to remain abstinent. You won’t have the opportunity to engage in any sexual behavior when you choose to remain abstinent, though, so you’ll miss out on finding out what your baseline sex drive is until you’re married.
Matching Sex Drives
The final part of our brother’s question asked whether matching sex drives is truly important. In my opinion, finding a partner whose sex drive matches yours is imperative. I think when you’re an individual who has successfully rebooted and wants to have a healthy sex life, your partner should want to have sex as frequently as you do.
Admittedly this is a deeper topic that I could expound upon in another post, the basics of it are the same. I do believe that partners should have similar sex drives otherwise this creates even more problems down the line. But if you choose to remain abstinent until marriage, you’ll never know whether you and your partner have matching sex drives until you get married.
Christians and Porn
Ultimately, brother, being a Christian and struggling with porn addiction recovery doesn’t make you a terrible person. I don’t believe it means that you’re going to hell or that you’re beyond saving. I know many Christian men who have overcome their compulsive sexual behavior and become incredible, stand-up members of society.
The choice to remain abstinent until marriage is yours alone. It’s not something that I recommend but I still know men who have been successful in their reboots while remaining abstinent. If you’re looking for some help with similar struggles, come check out the Porn Reboot Facebook group. You’re guaranteed to find another man who can share his experience with you and support you along the way, whatever you decide to do.
If you’ve been around the Porn Reboot program for some time you’ve probably seen me write about reboot capital before.
However, I’ve never dedicated a post to explaining what reboot capital is. It’s a foundational part of the porn addiction recovery – reboot system so I want to help you understand what it is and the role it plays.
Reboot capital is the way I look at building up your life so you can stay off pornography and masturbation. These parts of life are what allow you to wake up each morning and face the day, feeling full of joy and purpose. The five areas of life where you need to build reboot capital are:
Mental
Social
Spiritual
Physical
Emotional
Disconnection from any one of these five areas leads you back to a slip in your out-of-control behavior. Reconnection is not only the path back to these areas of your life, but also the antidote to letting them go. The pain you experience exists when you’re out of sync in one or more of these areas. The stronger you build up these five areas of your life, the more fulfilled you’ll feel and the less likely you are to return to pornography.
Reboot capital is the concept I use to keep all of them in check. Just as a person needs capital when they start a business, a man needs capital to stay afloat when ending his behavior with porn and masturbation.
When you deplete capital in any of these five areas, you begin a subtle but sure spiral toward a slip. But when all five areas are working together, you experience contentment, fulfillment, and balance in your life.
Ending your out-of-control behavior doesn’t mean life becomes amazing forever. You must always monitor and ensure each area has sufficient capital flowing into it to keep you moving forward when times get tough. And times will inevitably get tough, brother, because that’s the way life happens.
Over the next few days I’m going to take a deep dive into how to build reboot capital in these five areas. To stay off pornography for life and rewire your brain without fear of returning to your behavior, you must heal, nurture, and develop each of them. Learning how to stop porn addiction and check back in a few days to read more about the building mental reboot capital.
Self-esteem is something I write and talk a lot about here on the blog and our various other channels.
As men who struggle with a compulsive porn addiction problems, sex, and masturbation, our self-esteem tends to be horribly low when we first decide to quit. We hate ourselves, we’re filled with guilt and shame, we believe we’re weak and pathetic, and more.
Unless you rebuild your self-esteem, you’ll always find yourself struggling to maintain your reboot. You’ll never see yourself as a man who can live a life free of compulsive sexual behavior if you don’t address your self-image and self-esteem. What can you do to work on your poor self-esteem when you first arrive at the porn addiction recovery – reboot program?
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself. It’s based on your self-image and how you view yourself. For example, if you see yourself as a pathetic, porn-addicted man who can’t overcome his behavior, you’ll have poor self-esteem. However, if you recognize that everyone makes mistakes, has the power to overcome them, and know that you’re working to be a better man, you’ll have a strong sense of self-esteem.
There are a few different aspects that make up your self-esteem. Addressing each of these areas will help you build up your sense of self-esteem and strengthen the way you feel about yourself.
Identity
Humans naturally feel a desire and drive to belong to something. Your identity is made up of two parts: identity within a group and identity within yourself. In terms of a group, your identity is defined by the kind of people you surround yourself with. This includes your family, friends, colleagues, and community. In terms of yourself, your identity involves all of your characteristics, both positive and negative. Reaching self-acceptance is important for cultivating self-esteem.
Competence
Competence is having trust in your ability to do or not do something. It involves an understanding of your capabilities, limitations, and desire to learn new things. You won’t feel very great if you believe you aren’t capable of much. On the other hand, if you believe in your abilities, you’ll have a deeper sense of self-esteem. Men who feel highly competent tend to have higher levels of self-esteem than those who feel incompetent.
Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is the main feeder of your self-esteem. Your sense of security, both personally and with those around you, contributes heavily to how you feel about yourself. Confident men also have high self-esteem. Building up your self-esteem relies primarily on building up your self-confidence.
Self-Esteem in Extremes
There is an important caveat when it comes to building self-esteem. Going to extremes on either end, whether you have far too much self-esteem or far too little, isn’t a healthy place to be. The most effective approach to self-esteem resides somewhere in a balanced middle point.
For example, some men may have very high self-esteem without realizing that it isn’t grounded in anything. They have an overly inflated sense of self but it isn’t built on anything outside of their perception. Then you have men who tear themselves down any chance they get. These men also carry an unrealistic, extreme view of themselves but on the other end of the spectrum.
Something I notice in high-performing men is their tendency to vacillate between these two spaces. Sometimes they puff themselves up and believe they’re better than others around them. Other times they’re overcome with guilt, shame, and remorse, and believe they will never overcome their behavior or amount to anything.
Typically these extremes of self-esteem stem from coping or compensating. Men who struggle with self-acceptance will swing from one extreme to the other without. They struggle to find a middle ground where they can simply be a small part of the greater whole.
Having self-esteem in extremes is not a helpful way to live. It’s not grounded in reality and it’s built on a false sense of self. You’re neither better than everyone else nor worse than everyone else. You reside somewhere in the middle, a human among other humans, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The Importance of Building Self-Esteem
When you develop healthy self-esteem, you know exactly who you are, where you want to be, and what you want to do. This enables you to make better choices in every area of your life. It informs the direction you need to take so you can most efficiently and enjoyably arrive at your intended destination.
Having a clear idea of these three things allows you to make smarter decisions about who you spend time with and which activities you participate in. When you’re operating from a place of healthy self-esteem, you’ll surround yourself with people who understand you and do things that you like doing or will benefit you.
Part of fulfilling these long-term goals involves getting out of your comfort zone. You won’t be able to get out of your comfort zone if your self-esteem is low, though. This is another reason building self-esteem is so important. When you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re more likely to try new things, meet challenges, face your fears, address your insecurities, and more.
A strong sense of self-esteem is also crucial because it increases your resilience to the judgment or rejection of others. You aren’t concerned about what others think of you when you have a strong sense of self and a clear sense of where you’re going.
How to Start Building Self-Esteem
Now that you know why having a strong sense of self-esteem is so important, I’ll leave you with an exercise to practice building it. You might think it sounds silly but I need you to trust me on this one, brother.
Stand in your bedroom or living room, somewhere you can be on your own. Imagine there’s a circle drawn on the ground in front of you. Looking at that circle, call to mind all of the positive things you want to be, the happy feelings you want to feel, the best memories you can think of, and everything you hope for from life. Put the thought and energy of all those great things into that circle that sits on the floor before you.
Then I want you to physically step into that circle and allow the positive energy and image you created to surround you. Feel those incredible feelings and experiences merge with you. When you step into this circle you’re stepping into the new version of yourself. You may not feel it fully yet but you will notice a shift in your mental energy and well-being.
Once you practice this exercise at home you can begin bringing it with you anywhere you go. Imagine that circle is always right in front of you and you can step into it at any time. Then you can step out of it a stronger, more confident version of yourself.
I know, it might sound a bit woo-woo or out there. I want you to try it, though, without judgment. Once you do, head over to the Porn Reboot Facebook group and tell us about your experience with it. Let us know what your experience was and read about some of our other brothers’ experiences with the exercise. It’s a great first step toward building self-esteem as you begin incorporating other aspects of the Porn Reboot program.
If you’ve been around the Porn Reboot program for a few months, you know that I’m a big fan of systems.
A system is a set of actions to follow that generates predictable and improved results. I follow systems in each area of my life, from my reboot to my work and even my spirituality. I prefer knowing that I’m heading in the right direction and I believe systems are the best way to get there.
I recently developed an acronym that I like:
Something
You
Stick
To
Emphatically (and)
Methodically
If you stick to something emphatically and methodically, chances are it will lead to a predictable outcome. Developing a system was a game-changer during my early reboot. I had to do a lot of guessing and checking because I didn’t know anyone before me who ended their out-of-control behavior, but it led to the successful Porn Reboot system we all follow today.
Chances are, if you’re anything like me, you’ve thrown a lot of willpower at your porn problem up to this point. You’ve tried tons of ways to end your behavior yet you’re still in the same place you started, or maybe an even worse one. I was stuck in the willpower cycle for years convinced I was making a difference but accomplishing nothing.
It wasn’t successful until I created an intentional system of actions that worked with my biology instead of against it. Until that point, I was edging, drinking to the point of inebriation, hitting the snooze button, skipping my morning routines, bailing on the gym, and more. This led to stress, caffeinated overstimulation, crashing in the evenings, and a lot of wasted time.
So, how do you implement a system in your life? Just because you have access to a porn addiction recovery system doesn’t mean you’re going to stick to it. What can you do to ensure you do what it takes to apply a system to your life? And what are the benefits of doing so?
How to Incorporate a System
Start small. Pick one thing you’re going to do without fail that will be negotiated with anyone. Not your wife, not your children, not your friends, not your boss, and especially not yourself. Determine which aspect of the Porn Addiction Recovery Reboot system will be the first thing you adhere to without fail.
This might be your morning routine, getting on a call with your Porn Reboot coach, or going to the gym. Pick one thing that you will do regardless of any excuses that come up. Decide now that you will not let anything derail you from this one non-negotiable and then follow through on it.
Set up your days and weeks to make sure you have enough time to commit to your non-negotiable. It should be something small enough that you won’t talk yourself out of it but significant enough that it provides a positive result when you do it.
Meditation was my first non-negotiable. I spent many years before that half-heartedly meditating. I would practice here and there but was never consistent. So I decided that committing to a meditation routine would be my first change.
After you consistently commit to your non-negotiables for a few weeks, add another one into the mix and stick with it for another few weeks. Now you’ll find yourself committed to two beneficial practices. Although you couldn’t stick to anything a month or two ago, now you’ll find yourself consistent with two positive things.
This is how you start to implement a system. Continue adding new non-negotiables as you successfully stick to your previous ones. It gets easier to take on more as you become accustomed to it and notice the benefits they bring.
Benefits of Sticking to a System
I wouldn’t recommend implementing a system in your life if I didn’t think there were any positives. I’ve experienced so many good things that came from my adherence to a system. I’ve also watched those things happen in the lives of the men I’ve helped through the Porn Addiction Counseling Reboot program. What are some of these benefits?
Relapse Prevention
Instead of relying on your willpower to keep you from slipping, a system provides clear-cut instructions to prevent porn addiction relapse. You always have at least a few actions you can take when you notice temptation rising. You also have a set of behaviors you adhere to that keep those temptations at bay to begin with.
Letting Go of Reliance on Willpower
Don’t get me wrong – there is still some need for willpower when it comes to implementing a system. You have to take initiative; no one will come in and do the work for you. However, the difference is you’re not throwing willpower at the problem with no result. You’re using it to work with you as you implement healthy habits instead.
You Don’t Have to Do it Alone
One of the best parts of the Porn Reboot system in particular is it keeps you from handling your struggles alone. You’ll find yourself surrounded by a group of men who understand what you’re going through. They’ve been where you are and know the way out. And eventually, you’ll be the man helping others out of the place you’re in now.
Join the Porn Reboot System
It should be more than clear by now why you need a system to overcome your compulsive behavior with porn addiction, sex, and masturbation. You’ve probably tried at least a few things with no success already. Why not implement something that’s proven to work? The Porn Reboot program has helped men overcome their out-of-control behavior for more than a decade. Come join us in the FREE Porn Reboot Facebook group and get started today!
I recently wrote about the importance (and difficulty) of developing patience during your reboot.
Patience is a necessary part of rebooting because these changes don’t happen all at once. You don’t decide that you’re done with your compulsive behavior and then find yourself suddenly free from your struggles.
I like to look at the reboot process like a garden. You’re like a gardener trying to grow a beautiful garden with fruits, vegetables, and flowers. Just like a gardener plants his seeds and patiently waits for his crops to grow, you must also plant the seeds of your reboot and wait for the results to follow.
You plant your seeds during the early porn addiction recovery stage. You must trust that while you won’t see the results for some time, they will pay off eventually. When planting the seeds of your reboot, you can expect to receive the same positive results as the hundreds of other men who changed their lives with the Porn Reboot system.
The middle and late reboot stages are when your saplings begin to show. You start to see the results of the work you did during your early reboot. The fruits, vegetables, and flowers of the reboot process include things like confidence, self-esteem, self-awareness, focus, diligence, and encouragement.
Your reboot garden also faces the threat of pests and weeds, much like the gardener deals with in his own garden. These threats to your reboot are things like procrastination, doubt, frustration, and impatience. If you don’t take steps to remove these things, eventually they will infest your garden and limit what can grow there.
Patience is one of the crucial elements of any good garden. A gardener doesn’t dig up his seeds when he doesn’t see saplings within the first few days of planting. He trusts the process and allows his plants time to grow. He knows how a garden works and recognizes that he must be patient if he wants to have a beautiful garden.
In the same way, you must trust the Porn Addiction Counseling. You can’t expect sudden, drastic changes and give up when they don’t happen as quickly as you’d like. You may feel tempted to throw in the towel and seek out another system instead. But you have to trust the reboot process and know that the positive results will come as long as you commit to it.
You also cannot force the process to happen any faster. A gardener cannot speed up the growth of his tomato plants any more than you can speed up your ability to quit porn, sex, and masturbation. All he can do is plant the seeds and water; all you can do is follow the Porn Reboot system. You can’t make your brain rewire any quicker than is natural.
Finally, the most important part of your reboot garden is continuing to do what resulted in the growth of a beautiful garden. Every gardener knows he cannot rely on last year’s work to grow his garden the following year. This means you must continue doing the things that helped you build a life free from out-of-control sexual behavior.
Over time, the practice of growing a garden becomes routine and comfortable. The same applies to your reboot. While these new practices may feel strange and difficult to implement, they become second nature to you the more you practice them. If you follow the Porn Addiction Counseling Program or Porn Reboot system as it’s outlined, you will grow a beautiful life filled with the fruits of your labor for years to come!
I want to bring you a question from one of our brothers in the Porn Reboot group today. He asked:
“My girlfriend and I decided that to protect her heart, I don’t share anything about my reboot slip-ups unless she specifically asks exactly what she wants to know. Sometimes when we’re catching up about our days, though, I’ll have acted out that day. Like she’ll ask how my midday nap was but I watched porn instead of taking a nap. I feel horrible lying to her but I want to keep our agreement. How do I handle this?”
This is a fantastic question because it’s something many men in committed relationships deal with during their reboot. Many spouses and partners of men with a porn addiction problem experience extreme betrayal trauma.
When a man first ends his out-of-control behavior with porn, sometimes his spouse wants to know where he is going and what he is doing at all times. She wants to know whether he’s still watching porn, what type of porn, or what the women he’s watching look like. These women feel unbelievably hurt and for good reason.
This brother’s question means he and his girlfriend are in a good position given the situation. She is aware of his out-of-control behavior and he understands how his behavior hurts her. It sounds like she’s allowing him enough space to work on his reboot without her getting too invested or involved.
However, it also sounds like this brother is someone trapped by the idea that he needs to be honest at all costs. I don’t hold to this belief, especially when it comes to the reboot process. I don’t believe you should lie to your partner but I also don’t think you need to tell her about every slip that occurs.
I think you should have a conversation with her upfront instead. Let her know that slips are often part of the reboot process but you don’t want to put her in the middle of things. Explain that you have a coach, a therapist, and accountability partners to work through those slips with. Tell her you understand that she didn’t sign up to be your accountability partner, nor did she sign up to be hurt. Acknowledge the damage you’ve done and help her see how talking with her about any future slips will only do more harm than good.
If you’re honest about the possibility of slips from the beginning, it eliminates the need to feel like you’re lying by omission. You shouldn’t drag your partner through the weeds every time you slip; it’s your responsibility to fix it and keep her from dealing with the repercussions of your behavior.
Find a way to discuss situations like the one our brother outlined above without bringing up the slip. For example, he could tell her that he had a lot on his mind when he laid down so he wasn’t able to go to sleep.
He doesn’t need to bring up watching porn because it’s ultimately irrelevant. He should talk about the emotions that led up to the slip instead. Perhaps he was tired from the gym or stressed about an intense workload. He could bring these things up and talk them through with his girlfriend so he is honest without needing to talk about his slip.
I recommend you do the same in your relationship, brother. It’s not your partner’s burden to bear, it’s yours. You must find a way to work on your behavior without stringing her along through the process. You don’t need to be completely transparent about every slip but you do need to let her in on what’s going on.
Knowing the fine balance of how much to share is something you learn during the reboot process. Over time you won’t deal with slips as frequently, either, so you won’t have to keep skirting around the topic. The Porn Reboot system works, brother, and both you and your partner will benefit from the work you do.
Sometimes brothers in the Porn Reboot program ask about masturbating in moderation. Maybe they just got out of a relationship or are going through a divorce. They might be traveling or neck-deep in projects for work and have very little free time. These men want to know if it’s possible to start masturbating again as long as it’s in moderation.
After working with men to end their out-of-control behavior for over a decade, I know what that question usually means. Is this a form of porn addiction effect ? On the surface, it’s about masturbation, but if you look below the facade it’s often a way to avoid facing rejection. Men who want to masturbate in moderation are more often than not using it as a way to keep from being vulnerable and rejected.
Vulnerability puts you at risk for emotional or physical pain. Your ability to step past the fear and be vulnerable in the face of pain is courage. Courage is a very masculine and attractive trait, and it’s something you’ll develop as you work through the reboot process. You’ll learn to identify emotions and become more comfortable with being vulnerable.
This doesn’t mean you’ll spill your emotions to a woman to seek validation. Vulnerability does not mean groveling before a woman in search of attention. It simply means you’ll be able to express your wants and needs without any extreme attachment to the outcome.
Achieving sexual intimacy requires at least some level of vulnerability. You put yourself at risk of rejection whenever you make a move with a woman. This might be initiating sex with your spouse after a busy week or going in for the kiss with the woman sitting on your couch after a second date.
Ultimately, it’s your responsibility as the man to take the risk. The more you take these vulnerable risks, the more competence you gain. Over time you start to develop what I call “killer instinct,” or the knowledge of when it’s time to make a move and when it’s time to hold back. But that doesn’t come without a few mistakes and rejections along the way.
You might be scared to ask for sex, brother, and that’s okay. It’s nerve-wracking at first, especially when you’re just starting to put yourself out there again. The more you try it, though, the more comfortable you become.
As you gain confidence through the Porn Reboot system our exclusive porn addiction recovery system, you’ll realize there are plenty of other women with whom you build relationships. After a while, it won’t feel like a big deal when a woman rejects you. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, it simply means she isn’t interested and you can move on to the next.
Brother, I want to talk to you about something that’s affecting a lot of men these days – porn addiction. I know it’s not an easy topic to discuss, but it’s important to address it because it can have a significant impact on your mental health and relationships.
Firstly, let’s talk about what porn addiction is. It’s a condition where a person has an uncontrollable urge to view pornography, often leading to compulsive and excessive use. Porn addiction can lead to a range of negative consequences, including relationship problems, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Now, let’s talk about why porn addiction is so prevalent today. With the widespread availability of the internet and smartphones, accessing pornography has become easier than ever. Moreover, many people view pornography as a harmless and acceptable form of entertainment, not realizing the harm it can cause.
Let me level with you real quick. Porn addiction is a straight-up trap, my dude. It’s all fun and games until you find yourself deep in the rabbit hole, feeling like you can’t get out. You might think it’s harmless or just a way to blow off some steam, but let me tell you, it can mess you up big time.
First of all, let’s talk about your brain. When you’re watching porn, your brain releases a ton of dopamine, which is basically a chemical that makes you feel good. But the thing is, your brain gets used to this rush of dopamine, and it starts to crave it more and more. Before you know it, you’re addicted and you can’t get that same feeling from anything else.
And let’s not forget about the impact porn can have on your relationships, man. If you’re constantly watching porn, it can make you feel disconnected from your partner and can even lead to erectile dysfunction. Plus, it’s just not fair to your partner if you’re getting all your sexual needs met through a computer screen.
But maybe the scariest part of all is the way porn can warp your view of sex and relationships. Constantly seeing unrealistic images of men and women in pornography can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. It can make you believe that you’re not attractive or desirable enough, leading to further negative thoughts and behaviors.
So, what can you do about it? Well, the first step is to recognize that you have a problem. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re addicted to something, but it’s the only way you can start to make a change. From there, it’s all about taking small steps to break the addiction.
But the truth is that porn addiction is a serious problem that can have lasting effects on your well-being. Here are some of the ways that porn addiction can harm you:
Health problems
Porn addiction can also have physical health consequences. Excessive use can lead to problems such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and loss of libido. It can also lead to poor sleep patterns, fatigue, and other health issues.
Mental health problems
Porn addiction can also have a significant impact on your mental health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation and loneliness. It can also make it difficult to concentrate and perform well at work or school.
Hey man, if you’re feeling like porn has taken over your life, there are some things you can do to take control. Here are a few steps you can take:
First off, it’s important to admit to yourself that you have a problem. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the first step in overcoming any addiction.
Next, consider seeking professional help. There are plenty of resources out there, like therapy, support groups, and Porn Reboot, that can give you the guidance and support you need to make positive changes.
Developing healthy habits like exercise, meditation, and mindfulness can also be really helpful in coping with the stress and anxiety that can come with addiction. Plus, they’ll help you build a more positive self-image and improve your overall well-being.
It’s also important to try to limit your exposure to pornography. This might mean setting limits on your internet and smartphone usage or avoiding triggers like certain websites or social media accounts.
Finally, building a support network can make a big difference. Surrounding yourself with people who understand what you’re going through and support your journey can be a huge help. Joining a support group or online community can give you a sense of belonging and accountability. Remember, you’re not alone, brother.
