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You ARE A Good Man

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

This is for the men who struggle with their self-worth, and who feel worthless despite putting forth their best effort. This post is for you if you’ve put in the work: reading books, listening to podcasts, watching videos, working with therapists, and so on. However, no matter what you do, it feels like the moment you’re hit with an urge you fold almost instantly.

Maybe you feel like there’s a level of complexity to rebooting that’s beyond you but you can’t seem to figure out what it is. It seems like you’ve tried it all yet you can’t come out on top. You’ve done everything within your power but nothing seems to work. You can’t find the wins because it doesn’t feel like you’ve experienced any, even all these years later.

Brother, I want to tell you that your intention matters. You are a good person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t continue trying to end your behavior. You would give up, throw in the towel, cut your losses, and lean into the easier, darker path. But you’re still here.

A lot of men believe they are bad people if they don’t overcome their out-of-control sexual behavior, but I disagree. You must be a good person if you continue to try to end your behavior. I’ve spoken with thousands of brothers struggling with their compulsive behavior in over a decade of doing this work. Never once have I spoken with a man who wanted to end his problem with porn, sex, and masturbation so he could become a worse man.

I don’t care where you come from. I don’t care whether society brands you as an outcast. I don’t care that your family thinks you’re a monster. I don’t even care that society may have accused you of doing something criminal. I don’t care what you’ve done in your past. If you’re still here standing up after being knocked down time and time again, you’re a good human being.

I get emotional every time I speak or write about this because it affects me so personally. I didn’t think I was a good person. I thought I was a bad person. I thought I was a hypocrite. I thought I was terrible. I thought that if people knew the things I watched and the things I saw, they would never want to speak to me again and that ate me up inside.

It is worse when you get caught. It is worse when you have a record. It’s worse when people who love you, whether it’s your wife, kids, family, colleagues, or people from your church, cast you aside. And it’s the worst when you cast yourself aside because of your self-deprecation and negative self-beliefs.

But you’re wrong, brother.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for every man who continues to put up a fight against his behavior. You may have done some things you don’t want to talk about, but those things don’t define you as a person. You can still make changes in your life. You’re never too far gone to come back from the dark depths of your porn addiction.

I don’t know your future but I want you to know that if you feel like you’re wasting your time, you’re not. Every attempt to quit is another opportunity to stick with it. So long as you hold onto your intention, you still have a fighting chance. Because without intention, you don’t have a damn thing. You have nothing, absolutely nothing.

But men who hang onto that intent, you’re in a better place than those who succumbed to the darkness. Hundreds of thousands of men know they have a problem but have no intention of ending it. They don’t see the issue or they see it and choose to continue acting out. You aren’t that man, though; you’re here reading this right now and you still have a chance.

Intent also lays the groundwork for improving every other aspect of your life. That was the case for me when I started my reboot journey 15 years ago, and it’s the same case today. It’s why I started working out. It’s why I started fixing my finances. I started going to meditation retreats and looking deep within to understand what was happening.

Perhaps that’s where your changed behavior begins. You could be like some of the brothers who joined us by starting in the biochemistry reboot challenge we hosted a few months ago. They focused on their fitness and that propelled them into making the necessary changes to overcome their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, too.

It all starts with intent, brother, and if you have that intent then you ARE a good man. It doesn’t matter what the people around you say; trust that I believe in your ultimate good nature, and so does every other brother in the Porn Reboot program. But what you do from now on is up to you. What is your next step?

We’re here if you’re ready to make a lasting change in your life. Porn Addiction Counseling Reboot is far more than anything you’ve tried before. Our system is unlike other programs. You’ll rewire your brain and rebuild your entire life in the process. Every person on our team leads with compassion. It’s at the center of who we are and what we do. The results of that are evident in the hundreds of brothers we work with each month, and we’d love to have you join us, too.

Are You Struggling?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Do you find yourself struggling as you try to follow the Porn Reboot system? It doesn’t matter whether you are already a client in our program, or if you’re just someone who reads our blog, listens to the podcast, receives our newsletters, or watches our YouTube channel.

Do you often feel bored or cynical, demotivated, disappointed, and pessimistic about your reboot process? Do you constantly feel the need to be perfect? Do you often feel like you’re a failure? Do you blame outside circumstances for your problems? Do you lack the ambition to take the action needed to change your circumstances?

I’ve heard everything in the book.

“My schedule is too tight.”

“I don’t have time to dedicate to this.”

“I’m too busy at work.”

“I have too many responsibilities.”

“I can’t afford to seek help right now.”

“The kids wake up too early in the morning for a morning routine.”

You can tell me whatever you believe to be holding you back, but after over a decade of working with men in the Porn Reboot program, I’m almost positive of the true reason.

Here’s why brother: you are not understanding nor implement the program’s basics.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a casual reader of the blog or listener to the podcast, or fully engulfed in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot implementation program. I see it on both sides of enrollment. If you’re still struggling and making excuses, you still don’t quite understand what it is that we’re doing here.

The basics of the Porn Reboot program aren’t there for fun or to aimlessly fill your time. They are not random, optional self-improvement tasks. I didn’t come up with them on a whim and sent hundreds of brothers out to check off the various boxes for no reason.

The Porn Reboot program is an intentionally-outlined set of actions that, when implemented, lead to changed behavior. Each action serves a purpose. Everything is in place because it moves you forward in your reboot.

Some examples include developing a morning routine, recording your daily wins and feelings in a journal, expressing genuine gratitude, taking accountability for your actions, setting and maintaining boundaries, writing out your goals, and more. You rewire your brain by following through on these things day after day, week after week, month after month.

But when you do not follow the reboot basics, you lose motivation. You will feel pessimistic. You’ll experience boredom and cynicism. You’ll aim for perfection and berate yourself incessantly when you realize perfection is impossible. You will feel like a failure day after day.

On the other hand, when you follow the basics, you will experience optimism and motivation. You’ll feel confident about what you’re doing. You will experience the excitement. You’ll have ambition, not just to end your out-of-control behavior, but to build something with your life.

I see it all the time. Men are excited during their first few days and weeks of the program. They’re filled with excitement and motivation and happiness at the chance of changing their lives and eliminating their out-of-control behavior. But two months later they’re filled with cynicism.

I find it happens when men attach themselves to a sense of perfectionism. They believe they need to check every box off and do every activity perfectly or they aren’t going to be successful. They think that if they can’t meet every responsibility every day then it isn’t even worth trying. They believe that no matter how well they do, how motivated they are, how good they get at their reboot, or how many months they stay committed, they are still a failure.

I’m here to tell you something, brother: you won’t feel anything when you first start implementing the basics. I’m serious. Sure, you might have some short-term excitement but that quickly wears off. You won’t feel some massive, noticeable shift for a long time. Porn Reboot isn’t anything like pornography. There is no immediate positive reaction like you’re used to. There is no instant gratification. It might even feel monotonous. A voice in your head might tell you that it’s nonsense or that it’s a waste of time.

You may even do these things for a few weeks and still experience a slip. I often hear men say, “Oh, I did all the basics, but I still slipped.” That happens more often than you may think. I want to make something clear: the basics do not stop slips or relapses. This is especially important for men who aren’t members of the Intensive or Implementation Program; the small actions themselves do not stop a slip. That’s not what the Porn Reboot system is about.

These habits you build up over time rewire your brain. It isn’t the meditation or journaling or checking in with an accountability partner that keeps you from going back to porn; it’s the shift that comes as a result. Over time, these actions change your self-image. You change from an insecure, self-loathing introvert to a man who follows through on his word. You build character. You cultivate self-esteem. And these changes to your inner being are what keep you from wanting to view porn ever again.

You become a man who no longer views pornography or acts out in other sexual ways. You have no reason to view porn or depend on masturbation to feel good. Your mind rebels against anything that provides short-term pleasure in return for long-term pain. It begins to work with you once you have these small habits in place. This is how rewiring your brain becomes permanent.

That doesn’t mean your life becomes perfect. That’s far from the truth. Life still throws curveballs after your reboot. But when you establish a sense of self-esteem and your habits are firmly in place, you won’t turn back to porn to deal with them. You’ll face them head-on like the new man you are and handle them with strength and dignity.

If you’re still struggling, brother, you haven’t embraced the point of this program. You’ll continue running headlong into the brick wall of obstinacy if you refuse to change your perspective. Once you accept these changes, though, you’ll find a new lease on life. The struggles will dissipate and you’ll find yourself equipped to enjoy all that life has to offer.

The Top 22 Objections to the Porn Reboot Program: Part 1

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

I want to cover 22 of the main objections I hear from men when they want to start the Porn Reboot program. I can almost guarantee that you’ve thought at least a few of these things along the way to ending your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. There are solutions to every objection, though, and I want to review the first half of them today.

1. I can do this with willpower alone

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother, but statistics suggest that about 4% of men succeed and 96% of men fail by trying to use willpower alone. Sure, there is a slight chance you might be part of that 4% but there’s a much higher chance of you being part of the majority.

2. I can do this on my own

I see tons of men who believe they can learn to manage their out-of-control behavior on their own. They’re confident that their motivation will propel them to success. You’re far from alone if you’re thinking this, but how many times have you tried the isolated motivation approach before?

3. I’ll try SLAA or another 12-step program instead

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual-based 12-step approach to overcoming porn and sex addiction. However, like the willpower approach, studies show that SLAA fails 92 to 94% of people who try it.

4. I don’t really have that big of a porn problem

I hear this from so many men who show up to Porn Reboot and I have a hard time not chuckling. If you didn’t have a serious problem with porn, brother, then how did you reach this site in the first place? Why are you still reading this blog post?

5. I shouldn’t have to pay to quit watching porn

Sure, that’s an understandable way of thinking. I didn’t want to have to pay to end my out-of-control behavior, either. But if your alternatives leave you with a 4 to 8% success rate, wouldn’t you rather use a more effective approach? Investing in yourself could be the thing that finally helps you end this behavior.

6. I shouldn’t have to pay what your programs cost

No one is telling you that you have to pay for the Porn Reboot program. You’re more than welcome to use a cheaper alternative, but you’ll receive the results that the cheaper alternative offers. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a program that provides the same results at a lower price point.

7. I can spend my money on better things

I won’t argue with you about that. There are plenty of more entertaining ways to spend your money. However, you got yourself to a point where you can no longer control your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Could there really be anything better to spend your money on than learning to control the behaviors actively destroying your life?

8. My wife, friends, or church group can hold me accountable

Tony Robbins, the famous motivational coach, says that friends and spouses are the worst people to look to for accountability. Most of the time your friends and spouse allow you room to cut corners. Your porn problem is not something you can cut corners with, though, or it will only get worse.

9. I fear people will find out that I’m doing this

That’s a reasonable fear, but everything in the Porn Reboot group is private and confidential. Our entire program is hidden from the general public; no one will know that you’re in the Porn Reboot program unless you tell them.

10. I’ll be embarrassed if people know I’m in a porn addiction program

I get it, brother. I felt embarrassed when I first shared that I had a porn addiction problem with others, too. One of the most important things we do in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is to teach members to be confident while powerfully owning and celebrating a porn-free lifestyle.

11. I worry I won’t really like the Porn Reboot community

If you’re like most men who struggle with compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation, chances are you’ll enjoy the group. We share a lot of similar traits and tendencies. I’m selective about who I work with which means our community is fun, welcoming, educated, smart, and successful. It’s a fantastic group of men.

You Need the Lows

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

A few weeks ago I had a pretty rough experience. We had a lot going on at Elevated Recovery. We were hiring new team members and had a few projects simultaneously in the works. These crunch periods are always a time of ongoing work where I get by on four or five hours of sleep because I’m determined to accomplish our goals.

However, three weeks into the crunch period my body completely shut down. I had a full day of coaching the day before and when I woke up the following morning I was in full-blown panic mode. I have maybe one or two random panic attacks each year but this was the worst one I’ve had in a long time. I not only had anxiety and depressive thoughts but also horrible flu-like symptoms.

I couldn’t get out of bed so I texted my assistant, canceled all my appointments, and took the day off. I was so photosensitive that I could only look at my phone for as long as it took to contact my assistant. I did nothing but hydrate and slowly get through the day. I even experienced some occasional hallucinations throughout the feverish period. It was a brutal day.

Over the years I’ve learned that I can’t fight when these things happen. Instead, I become very present and observe myself. I settle into a state of mindfulness and watch what I experience both internally and externally. It was the only option I had during this day of panic because I couldn’t do much of anything else.

When I finally made it through the night and woke up the next morning, though, all the pressure I felt from the weeks of crunch time was gone. I had no fewer deadlines than I did the day before my panic attack. There were still hundreds of people who needed our support. I knew that taking the day off made the workday harder for some of my colleagues. But I still felt no pressure. In fact, I had absolute clarity on what steps to take next.

I reflected on those 24 hours of panic and physical incapability over the following days. I normally take Mondays off but realized I hadn’t taken one off in the three weeks of crunch leading up to the panic attack. I was going all out. I woke up and put on the positive, upbeat, go-getter persona, and took on the day. And eventually, it wore me out.

I bet you’ve had a few of these experiences, too. Everyone burns out eventually when they live and work with the pedal to the floor. You have to hit pause sometimes to avoid completely crashing and burning, but sometimes it takes the low points to remember this. That’s exactly what happened to me. I spent the weeks before the panic attack avoiding pausing and instead pushing to finish everything that we needed to do.

It’s essential that you set limits for yourself and establish boundaries around your schedule. You have to carve time out for yourself or life will find a way of carving it out for you. If you aren’t proactive about taking a break, your body will force you to take one eventually.

These lows aren’t an enjoyable experience but at the same time, they’re a great reminder and reset point. You can use the break to determine what’s most important and calibrate your focus to accomplish those tasks. You need the lows to remind you of why a break is such an important part of the process.

This is especially important for men in the Porn Addiction Counseling program. While everyone hits the wall at times, men with a porn addiction problem have more to lose. You’re more likely to act out and engage in your compulsive behavior when you reach one of these low points. You have to take breaks before your body demands one of you.

The Porn Reboot program equips you with the self-awareness and discipline to know when it’s time to hit pause. The low points are a necessary part of the Porn Reboot process but you get the chance to use them to your benefit today instead of letting them use you.

Men Who Refuse to Seek Professional Help

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

This year marks 10 years of professionally coaching men toward freedom from pornography. I’ve seen all kinds of things throughout this last decade and I have a good idea of what happens to men who don’t seek professional help. I see the same brothers hitting me up for tips year after year but then doing nothing to change their life.

These brothers have been asking for help for ten years now. Some were 22 when I first heard from them, and now they’re 32 with a life that looks the same, or worse. Others were about to turn 40 and I warned them that this was their last shot to get their lives together, get into a relationship, and start a family. Today they’re 50 years old and still pitifully addicted to pornography.

We’re in a difficult time right now. The last few years were filled with adversity. The men who chose to control their behavior from the first time they reached out fared well throughout the chaos and uncertainty. Those who were focused, disciplined, and mentally strong continued to thrive during these times.

However, men who used porn, sex, and masturbation as coping mechanisms may have survived, but they surely didn’t thrive. Relying on compulsive sexual behavior only resulted in a miserable struggling existence.

And if you’re in that latter group, today’s message is for you.

The stress reflects physically on your body. You found yourself soft, pudgy, and weak from stress eating. You’re fueled by sugar and caffeine. Your girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to have sex with you if you can’t achieve an erection. You can’t get hard or stay hard because you chose pornography over her. You’ve become boring. You chose a life of domesticity over adventure and learning. No one wants to sleep with the man they argue with over the dishes every night.

If you’re single, you may wonder why women won’t date you. You don’t bother to groom yourself. You dress comfortably, which is a nice way of saying you’re a grown man who dresses like a schoolboy. You’re overweight and your best features are obscured by the bloat from the fast food you shovel into yourself every day.

You feel entitled to women who are 10s because you watch them in porn while you’re barely a 5 on your best day. You lack ambition. You play video games all night. You smoke weed every day. You live to be entertained. If you ever manage to get a girlfriend, she’ll have to find a sugar daddy because you’re too busy seeking pleasure to be a provider.

You’ll likely have to settle for the lowest-hanging fruit when it comes to women. You’ll hang onto her because you know you won’t find better. And then you will spend the rest of your life secretly jerking off to women you truly find attractive online.

You’re weak. You’re stunted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re unable to prioritize. You’re mentally consumed by a constant diet of unfiltered garbage information that you allow into your head. The news, nonsense YouTube videos, pointless podcasts, endless Reddit threads, Wikipedia black holes, and perma-scrolling Twitter, of it, fill your head with useless information that makes you think you’re smart.

When was the last time you created something? What was the last original thought or idea you formulated? I’m not talking about repeating talking points that someone else gave you or buying into the hive mind of whatever group you’re a part of.

Your emotional capacity is next to nothing but you’re always emotionally charged. Your erratic emotional range consists of numbness, irritation, anger, depression, loneliness, excitement, and fear. Instead of experiencing the emotional capacity of a Boeing 747 that flies intercontinental, you’re a paper plane that can barely reach the back of the classroom and is destined for the trash.

You’re spiritually bankrupt, too, even if you believe yourself to be a Christian. Your religious affinity only pays lip service to the type of man you wish you were. But what would your congregation think if they saw your browser history, your secret apps, and your external hard drives? I bet they tell a different story.

Your behavior is a growing cancer of the soul. You’ve spent empty years lying, desperately trying to hold up your shining image while living a double life. This is no way to live, brother. You’re falling apart, relying on your limited social circle for validation while destroying yourself every day.

If you’re at all interested in rebuilding your life and thriving in the years to come, it’s time to seriously reconsider your life. You could have saved yourself this last decade of destruction had you only followed through on the help you initially sought.

Honestly ask yourself what holds you back from taking action to overcome your porn addiction problems. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe you just don’t care and you’re stuck in a cycle of apathy. You know you have a problem but you’re fooling yourself by thinking you can handle it alone if you’re stuck in the same place 10 years later.

I know I sound harsh today but I feel disheartened. It’s painful to look at an email thread I can follow back to 2012 with a man who has clearly done nothing to change his circumstances. It feels wrong and I can’t sit back without saying something, especially as a man who has been where you are.

I think men who struggle with porn addiction live on a slightly altered timeline. We don’t seem to realize how time flies. The years slip by but we’re so busy consumed by our porn addiction symptoms that we miss the signs. Instead of seeing ourselves as the problem, though, we blame other things for our wide range of shortcomings.

The description above is probably painful to read. It may not describe every aspect of your life but I’m sure there are at least a few attributes that describe you. And it might seem like there’s nothing you can do to change, but professional help will make a difference. I’ve watched hundreds of men change their lives throughout the last decade of the Porn Reboot program a form of porn addiction counseling only with a better and effective method proven for years.

Have you reached a point that you can’t handle anymore? Are you ready to take responsibility for your life? I would love to see you join us in the Porn Reboot group and get started. Even if you don’t participate in the intensive, getting involved in our free Facebook group is a great place to start. You can learn what the Porn Reboot program is about and start implementing the system in your life today.

Quit watching time pass you by, brother. Take control of your life. Today can be the day that shifts the trajectory and pulls you from the pit of hopelessness you’ve landed yourself in.

Are You Offended?

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

I like to find or make funny memes and post them in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot Facebook group about once a week. Like a lot of others, I find that humor is a great way to cope with topics and experiences that can be difficult and painful at times. So our weekly memes are something that brothers in the group often look forward to.

A couple of weeks ago I made a meme that I thought was pretty funny. It was a picture of Mr. Clean, that bald white mascot for a cleaning company, wringing water out a sponge. The caption on the image said, “Your wife’s panties after hearing you decided to quit pornography and join Porn Reboot.”

It was pretty hilarious if I do say so myself, and lots of guys in the group thought it was great, too. We spent so many years more interested in porn than sex with our wives or partners. Lots of us struggled with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, too. No wonder our spouse is excited when we’re finally ready to quit porn. And any man with the same experience can relate.

But some brothers had some choice words in response.

“Bad. Just bad.”

“What little interest I had in joining your program is gone now.”

“Completely unprofessional.”

“Do you wanna be taken seriously?”

“You charge folks for porn reboot coaching and you post this crap?”

“Apologize to the group and take it down right now.”

I was astounded at how many people were offended by a simple joke. I didn’t think it would cause that much of a problem. But it also got me thinking about what being offended by things means at a deeper level.

It reminds me of when I was a confused Catholic guy in my 20s. During my freshman year of college, I remember watching drunk girls come home with a guy and judging them. Night after night I sat with my friends calling these women all sorts of names, but then went back to my dorm room and angrily jerked off at the same girls I judged.

I judged women I couldn’t be with. I judged comedians who made vulgar jokes on late-night television about different actresses and celebrities. And then I would masturbate while thinking of whatever woman made me angry earlier.

Over time I realized that I wasn’t actually angry at these women or those jokes.

I was really just angry at myself.

I was upset at my lack of sexual control and how quickly I betrayed my perceived values. Those things that I thought made me angry really just aroused shame, guilt, and jealousy. It wasn’t the world that had the problem, it was me. I was the one with a messed-up view of the world, looking at everything through the lens of my porn-addled brain.

Lots of the men in the Porn Reboot program grew up in households held together by Catholicism or Christianity. We weren’t taught that sexual jokes are okay. And then our closet porn addiction stunted our ability to relate with women, but we believed our lack of sexual experience was their problem.

I spent so much time placing blame on others that I never bothered to consider the common denominator every time I was offended: me. I was the one finding fault in everything when really I was the one at fault.

I imagine the brothers who lashed out at the simple, silly meme I posted are dealing with something similar. Many of us share similar experiences and they’re probably dealing with underlying self-loathing, shame, and guilt. They haven’t yet employed the tools we use in the Porn Reboot program to determine the source of these feelings.

Instead, they lash out at perceived offenses or injustices. They allow external circumstances to dictate their internal condition. And I know from experience because I did the same thing. Thankfully, I learned to respond to situations and circumstances, not react. It isn’t an overnight process but it’s possible.

If you’re struggling with finding offense in everything around you, then your reboot will help. Porn Reboot is about so much more than pornography. Sure, porn addiction is what gets you in the door but you’ll find more than that waiting for you once you commit to the process. Freeing yourself from the need to feel offended is one of the most important things you can do. Join us today and find out for yourself just how incredible that freedom can be.

Growth Over Balance

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

You often hear people stressing the importance of living a balanced life.

They believe you should spread your attention and energy evenly between different responsibilities and interests Then men who are trying to control their sexual behavior are then exposed to these ideas and views of the world, from things like counselors, therapists, and traditional 12-step recovery programs.

I listen to these things as a man who runs a system where other men achieve phenomenal results in a short period. They learn to control their out-of-control sexual behavior in 90 days and fully rewire their brains in a year and a half to two years. In my opinion, you cannot achieve drastic, incredible results like those in the Porn Reboot program while living a balanced life.

Further, I believe that people who are living balanced lives do so because they don’t know what their priorities are. Instead of determining what’s most important in life and going after it, they try to cover everything. Rather than doing a few things very well, they’re mediocre at a lot of different things.

That approach doesn’t work for me. I wanted to live a life of priorities, not a life of balance. I believe you need to get clear on your priorities and dive headfirst into pursuing them. I’m not a fan of the idea that you should spread your energy evenly; I think you should find what ignites your fire and pursue that with everything you have in you.

Life is constantly changing. Nothing remains the same. Your kids are growing up as you read this. Your relationships are not always guaranteed. You may move across the city, across the state, or across the country one day. You might start a new business. Your health is never guaranteed. And yet you’re going to strive for balance across your social life, family life, emotional life, and spiritual life?

That doesn’t make sense to me. I see guys who are 23, 24, or 25 years old trying to maintain a long-term relationship, start a business, finish school, build their ideal physique, and meditate for an hour every day. They also want to travel the world and participate in the Porn Reboot program simultaneously.

All this does is lead to burnout and leaves you questioning your capabilities. I think balance is a myth. It’s a false ideal that is impossible to achieve in the real world. I believe we go through life in seasons because of the constant state of change. Trying to juggle all these things at one time is only going to hurt you in the long run.

I’ve done it before too, brother. I had a ton going on in my early 20s, too. I was in school, running the sales team for my company, trying to build my physique, and end my behavior with porn and masturbation. All I ended up doing was spinning in circles and not finding success in any one area.

I decided to focus on two areas instead of all four. I chose to focus on building up my body and ending my out-of-control behavior, then I lived and breathed these two things until I was successful in both. Once I achieved what I was looking for, I shifted that energy to my next priority of managing my anxiety. Then I shifted it to building the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system. And I continue doing the same thing to this day.

I tried for balance and found it didn’t work for someone like me. I need to do things full-force or not at all. I think giving only part of yourself to something leads to mediocre results. You can’t grow when you don’t give your all to something. I think you should prioritize growth over balance every time. And the men who take this approach with their reboot are the ones who find the most success.

Reboot Needs vs. Reboot Wants

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Today I want to discuss needs versus wants as they relate to different areas of your reboot capital.

For those who don’t remember, reboot capital refers to the different areas of life in which you need to build up capital to help you end your out-of-control behavior. This includes your physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual capital.

I had a conversation with my girlfriend yesterday that made me want to write about this. We’re pretty frugal people for the most part. Each of us picked up these thoughts and behaviors from our parents who are also frugal. It’s a tough mindset to break most of the time.

For example, I’ll go to the store for something like body lotion and see a few options. As I look at both the name-brand body lotion and the generic version, I have a decision to make. If I’m not thinking consciously, I default to my frugal mind and opt for the generic version because it’s cheaper.

I did the same thing for years with my car as well. I’ve owned a 2005 Toyota Camry for many years. It has almost 300,000 miles on it. It’s been with me through both my worst times and my best times. It has been a reliable vehicle that I haven’t wanted to get rid of since it has run for so long. However, even though it was time for an upgrade, I still hesitated to spend the money.

Lots of men come to our program with similar frugal mindsets. Oftentimes they’re a result of driving themselves into financial ruin because of their behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Other times it’s because they spent lavishly trying to compensate for the crippling guilt and shame they felt.

Living within your means is an important skill to acquire. It’s a necessary part of achieving and maintaining financial stability. It’s never a good idea to rely on consumer debt to fund your lifestyle. Taking out loans or purchasing things on credit is a fast track to possible ruin if you find yourself in an emergency.

There’s a line between these two extremes of extravagance and frugality. Neither is useful when it comes to rebooting. You don’t want to spend above your means and continue unhealthy financial habits. At the same time, you don’t want to become so cheap that you avoid spending time with friends or treating your family to enjoyable experiences.

Part of the Porn Addiction Counseling – The Reboot process is developing a healthy relationship with your finances. Freedom from your out-of-control behavior makes you a more engaged and hardworking employee or business owner. You’ll soon find yourself able to escape any troublesome financial situations you found yourself in when you first arrived.

After you get yourself out of any possible debt and back on track financially, the question of needs versus wants becomes very apparent. If you’re anything like me, you’ll likely carry the same fearful and frugal mindset moving forward. It’s not an easy filter to break down and separate from.

Another part of the Porn Reboot process is learning to enjoy life. You spent so much time hiding from the world, trapped in a deepening spiral of compulsive sexual behavior. Now that you’re free from it, you need to fully engage with the world. This involves some level of spending, whether it’s on some new clothes, a trip for your family, or even some hobbies that you enjoy.

Spending money is simply a part of living a fulfilling life. Money is not something to be loathed or feared, whatever you may have learned when you were young or adopted as you grew older. It’s a useful tool that will help you build a life worth living. There are times when it’s okay to spend a bit outside your means with the understanding that it’s not an every day or all the time thing.

So long as your needs are taken care of, you’re allowed to fulfill your wants, too. A life filled with only your needs isn’t as enjoyable as it could be. Once you’re in a position where you can afford to splurge now and then, learn to treat yourself, your family, your friends, and even the world around you. You’ll find life to be a much more enjoyable experience when you do.

Your Future is Not a Destination

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

Everyone considers their future to some extent.

People have varying goals and aspirations, things they want to see, places they want to visit, and hopes they want to see come to fruition. Maybe you want to have a family, buy a house, or start a business. Perhaps you want to move to a different part of the country or another area in the world.

At the same time, if you struggle with out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation, you may feel hopeless about your future. You might believe that you’ve brought yourself to a point that you can’t come back from. Your future might look dark, dreary, and void of anything worth living for.

This is especially true for men early in their reboot. Most men don’t arrive at the Porn Reboot group until they’ve reached a low point. It takes a lot for a man to admit he has a problem and reach out for help. Some lose their jobs, some lose their homes, some lose their families, and some lose everything they have before they find us.

They come to the program simply hoping to end their compulsive behavior. They’ve likely tried at least a few different programs or approaches before. Nothing has worked, though, and their porn-free stints become fewer and further between. This builds a story in their minds that nothing will ever keep them from acting out or completely ending their behavior.

But then they find the Porn Reboot program and begin implementing the system in their lives. They find themselves able to live free from pornography, not because they’re forced to but because they want to. The future doesn’t seem as hopeless as it did before. They can see a light at the end of the tunnel, one with more worthwhile experiences than they imagined.

Here’s the problem with that mentality, though: the future never arrives. You’ll only ever find yourself in the present moment. I know this may sound a bit philosophical and woo-woo, but it’s true. You’re never going to find yourself in that far-reaching future; even when you get there it’ll still be now.

The only way to control your future is to control the present moment, brother. Whatever you hope to achieve in the future, take steps to achieve that today. Too many people view the future as a destination, an arrival point they’ll reach one day where all their hopes and dreams are fulfilled.

Sure, that may happen. You can take steps to set yourself up for the situation you want to live in. But at the same time, nothing is guaranteed. You could do everything necessary to build a successful life but there are always uncontrollable or unpredictable factors at play. And you never know when they’ll step in to disrupt your path.

You must release the false belief that your future is a destination. It only sets you up for failure. This is a more high-level approach for men who are new to the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system. It’s not easy to view the world this way and may even strengthen your sense of apathy if you haven’t yet gained a good hold on it. But it’s also one of the most freeing ways to move through life.

When you finally recognize that today is the only day you’ll ever have, you begin to approach each one with hope, enthusiasm, and love. Every moment becomes more precious to you. You embrace the fact that you never know when it will all be over and come to appreciate the true beauty of each day.

I challenge you to shift your perspective and take this approach today. I want to offer encouragement to my brothers who may feel down and out right now. There is hope and healing in the Porn Reboot program, something that seems so far off and impossible at times. But I promise you that we’re a group of men who have a solution that we used to think was impossible, too. I invite you to join us today.

How I Built My Physique

Porn Addiction Counseling / By J.K Emezi

How i Built My Physique

This may seem a bit random but fitness is a common topic of conversation in the Porn Reboot group.

While it isn’t directly related to porn addiction recovery, it is a primary part of most men’s reboots. Building physical reboot capital is an important part of the overall porn addiction counseling reboot process. So I’m finally answering the question I often receive: “J.K., how did you build your physique?”

Firstly, I want to start by saying I’m not a personal trainer. I’m not certified to teach anything related to physical fitness. I don’t have any special education or credentials when it comes to nutrition or lifting weights. I can only speak from my experience as someone who has worked out since he was 17 years old.

Second, I also want to remind you that everyone is different. While the same basic principles of lifting and eating apply to everyone, each person has slightly varying needs. What worked for me may not work for you and vice versa. Ultimately, take my story as one of the many paths to physical well-being, but it may be the path that gets you started on a journey of your own.

Again, my interest in fitness started when I was 17. I was tall, lanky, and looked like a beanpole. My scrawny physique was a huge source of insecurity. I knew that if I built myself up and put on some muscle, though, people would look at me differently. I was awkward and couldn’t control my porn use but knew that I could do something about my physique.

I started by going to the gym and focusing on the compound lifts. That means squats, bench press, overhead press, and deadlifts. I knew that if I increased the weight I lifted, my body composition would have to follow suit. How many small guys can bench 225 pounds?

I also knew that I needed to eat to put on size. While today it’s considered bro science, when I first started lifting I learned that I was a “hard-gainer”. This meant I needed to eat a ton of food to gain weight. I cleaned up my diet to consist of traditional bodybuilder-type foods and I ate. It took a lot of food to keep me fueled up for my workouts and putting on size steadily.

After about 9 months of consistent lifting and eating, people started to notice the changes. My friends pointed out that I was getting bigger and strangers commented on how I looked. Although I still struggled with my out-of-control behavior, I now had an aspect of my life I could control. And it helped me build my self-esteem.

Once I built a solid frame, I then shifted my focus from compound movements to isolated movements. These include things like bicep curls, tricep extensions, lateral raises, and such. They’re movements that focus primarily on a single muscle to help build it up. I worked on muscle groups that were lacking to build a more well-rounded physique.

Writing it out makes it sound so simple and, honestly, it really is. Building a physique isn’t this big complicated ordeal that many fitness influencers would have you believe. You don’t need the latest and greatest equipment. You don’t need hundreds of dollars worth of supplements. You don’t need any performance-enhancing drugs, either. All you need is some weight, some food, and some consistency.

I still go to the gym regularly to this day. My routine has shifted over the years to accommodate changing interests, such as martial arts or bodyweight exercises, but the basics are the same. Lift hard, eat well, and focus on recovery. It takes time for changes to occur but if you commit to the process, you’ll find your physique grows, too.

It’s also a vital part of the general porn addiction recovery process. I don’t mean building up a massive physique, but I do mean some type of physical fitness. You should be lifting weights, playing a sport, or participating in some other kind of activity. Trying to quit porn without getting your energy out will leave you spinning in circles.

Join us in the Porn Reboot Facebook group to see what other brothers are doing for their fitness. Share your experiences with us and let us know where you’re at in your fitness journey. We’re always working together to become better men free from the chains of our out-of-control behavior. I invite you to join us today.

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