Today I’m bringing you the second half of the top 22 objections I hear from men joining the Porn Reboot program. I want to help you understand that your hesitations and concerns are far from unique. They’re something I hear regularly from men fearful of ending their out-of-control behavior. I know it’s not an easy step to take but I guarantee you that it’ll be the best decision you ever make.
12. I’m worried the Porn Reboot community will judge me
Every member feels the same way when they first join the program. It’s human nature to fear being judged especially for something like a porn problem. However, we have a zero-judgment policy in our community and I take that very seriously.
13. I’m scared about what I’ll have to share with the group
It’s perfectly normal to feel scared. Almost every member tells us they felt a bit scared when they joined but it didn’t take long to settle in. The group is caring, supportive, and attentive. We allow no room for judgment no matter who you are or what you’ve done.
14. I don’t want to join a group, I prefer one-on-one coaching
There’s a great quote from the book The Power of Habits by Charles Duhigg: “Real transformation occurs amongst other people.” Countless studies show that effective change happens when you’re around a group of like-minded individuals and the same applies to your reboot.
15. I don’t feel like I’m ready
You’re never going to feel like you’re ready, brother. Acknowledging your porn addiction problem is a difficult thing to do and you’ll never feel prepared enough. But you need to take action at some point if you want results and sooner is always better.
A few weeks ago I had a pretty rough experience. We had a lot going on at Elevated Recovery. We were hiring new team members and had a few projects simultaneously in the works. These crunch periods are always a time of ongoing work where I get by on four or five hours of sleep because I’m determined to accomplish our goals.
However, three weeks into the crunch period my body completely shut down. I had a full day of coaching the day before and when I woke up the following morning I was in full-blown panic mode. I have maybe one or two random panic attacks each year but this was the worst one I’ve had in a long time. I not only had anxiety and depressive thoughts but also horrible flu-like symptoms.
I couldn’t get out of bed so I texted my assistant, canceled all my appointments, and took the day off. I was so photosensitive that I could only look at my phone for as long as it took to contact my assistant. I did nothing but hydrate and slowly get through the day. I even experienced some occasional hallucinations throughout the feverish period. It was a brutal day.
Over the years I’ve learned that I can’t fight when these things happen. Instead, I become very present and observe myself. I settle into a state of mindfulness and watch what I experience both internally and externally. It was the only option I had during this day of panic because I couldn’t do much of anything else.
When I finally made it through the night and woke up the next morning, though, all the pressure I felt from the weeks of crunch time was gone. I had no fewer deadlines than I did the day before my panic attack. There were still hundreds of people who needed our support. I knew that taking the day off made the workday harder for some of my colleagues. But I still felt no pressure. In fact, I had absolute clarity on what steps to take next.
I reflected on those 24 hours of panic and physical incapability over the following days. I normally take Mondays off but realized I hadn’t taken one off in the three weeks of crunch leading up to the panic attack. I was going all out. I woke up and put on the positive, upbeat, go-getter persona, and took on the day. And eventually, it wore me out.
I bet you’ve had a few of these experiences, too. Everyone burns out eventually when they live and work with the pedal to the floor. You have to hit pause sometimes to avoid completely crashing and burning, but sometimes it takes the low points to remember this. That’s exactly what happened to me. I spent the weeks before the panic attack avoiding pausing and instead pushing to finish everything that we needed to do.
It’s essential that you set limits for yourself and establish boundaries around your schedule. You have to carve time out for yourself or life will find a way of carving it out for you. If you aren’t proactive about taking a break, your body will force you to take one eventually.
These lows aren’t an enjoyable experience but at the same time, they’re a great reminder and reset point. You can use the break to determine what’s most important and calibrate your focus to accomplish those tasks. You need the lows to remind you of why a break is such an important part of the process.
This is especially important for men in the Porn Addiction Counseling program. While everyone hits the wall at times, men with a porn addiction problem have more to lose. You’re more likely to act out and engage in your compulsive behavior when you reach one of these low points. You have to take breaks before your body demands one of you.
The Porn Reboot program equips you with the self-awareness and discipline to know when it’s time to hit pause. The low points are a necessary part of the Porn Reboot process but you get the chance to use them to your benefit today instead of letting them use you.
I want to cover 22 of the main objections I hear from men when they want to start the Porn Reboot program. I can almost guarantee that you’ve thought at least a few of these things along the way to ending your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. There are solutions to every objection, though, and I want to review the first half of them today.
1. I can do this with willpower alone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother, but statistics suggest that about 4% of men succeed and 96% of men fail by trying to use willpower alone. Sure, there is a slight chance you might be part of that 4% but there’s a much higher chance of you being part of the majority.
2. I can do this on my own
I see tons of men who believe they can learn to manage their out-of-control behavior on their own. They’re confident that their motivation will propel them to success. You’re far from alone if you’re thinking this, but how many times have you tried the isolated motivation approach before?
3. I’ll try SLAA or another 12-step program instead
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual-based 12-step approach to overcoming porn and sex addiction. However, like the willpower approach, studies show that SLAA fails 92 to 94% of people who try it.
4. I don’t really have that big of a porn problem
I hear this from so many men who show up to Porn Reboot and I have a hard time not chuckling. If you didn’t have a serious problem with porn, brother, then how did you reach this site in the first place? Why are you still reading this blog post?
5. I shouldn’t have to pay to quit watching porn
Sure, that’s an understandable way of thinking. I didn’t want to have to pay to end my out-of-control behavior, either. But if your alternatives leave you with a 4 to 8% success rate, wouldn’t you rather use a more effective approach? Investing in yourself could be the thing that finally helps you end this behavior.
6. I shouldn’t have to pay what your programs cost
No one is telling you that you have to pay for the Porn Reboot program. You’re more than welcome to use a cheaper alternative, but you’ll receive the results that the cheaper alternative offers. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a program that provides the same results at a lower price point.
7. I can spend my money on better things
I won’t argue with you about that. There are plenty of more entertaining ways to spend your money. However, you got yourself to a point where you can no longer control your behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Could there really be anything better to spend your money on than learning to control the behaviors actively destroying your life?
8. My wife, friends, or church group can hold me accountable
Tony Robbins, the famous motivational coach, says that friends and spouses are the worst people to look to for accountability. Most of the time your friends and spouse allow you room to cut corners. Your porn problem is not something you can cut corners with, though, or it will only get worse.
9. I fear people will find out that I’m doing this
That’s a reasonable fear, but everything in the Porn Reboot group is private and confidential. Our entire program is hidden from the general public; no one will know that you’re in the Porn Reboot program unless you tell them.
10. I’ll be embarrassed if people know I’m in a porn addiction program
I get it, brother. I felt embarrassed when I first shared that I had a porn addiction problem with others, too. One of the most important things we do in the Porn Addiction Counseling – Reboot system is to teach members to be confident while powerfully owning and celebrating a porn-free lifestyle.
11. I worry I won’t really like the Porn Reboot community
If you’re like most men who struggle with compulsive behaviors with porn, sex, and masturbation, chances are you’ll enjoy the group. We share a lot of similar traits and tendencies. I’m selective about who I work with which means our community is fun, welcoming, educated, smart, and successful. It’s a fantastic group of men.
I noticed something while reading some discussions in the free Porn Reboot Facebook group that I wanted to expound upon a bit. I realized that lots of brothers still blame pornography for the problems in their lives, some who are still in the early stages of their reboot, and others who have been around the program for a few months.
Some men were more overt about placing blame while others did it subconsciously and may not have noticed. Either way, these brothers are all wrong. Pornography is NOT the problem. You might think it is. After all, isn’t that why the Porn Reboot program exists in the first place? But it’s not. Pornography is not as powerful as you think it is.
Think about it. Pornography has existed for much longer than you can imagine. Porn came about as soon as men realized they were able to draw on cave walls. We have ancient dick art on the walls of caves that date back hundreds of centuries! You might think porn is the issue but millions of people watch it without responding to it the way we do. While the detrimental effects of porn are another conversation entirely, it still doesn’t have the same effects on others as it does on men with out-of-control sexual behavior.
If you still believe porn is the problem, you’ll keep yourself stuck in the cycle of porn addiction. It probably feels like an endless problem because you’ll see it everywhere if that’s what you’re focused on. Things shown in television programs are increasingly lewd, Hollywood can get away with more suggestive scenes in lower-rated films, and some social media posts are as close to porn as you can get. I’m not denying that temptations exist, brother. I’m fully aware of everything that’s out there. But so long as you continue believing that those temptations are the problem, you’ll continue acting out time and time again.
You’re looking at the wrong problem, brother.
The problem is not pornography.
The problem is that you are using pornography to medicate.
It’s not the porn that keeps you trapped in the cycle. It’s the emotion that comes up right before you turn back to porn to keep yourself from feeling it. You can’t treat the problem when you still believe it exists outside yourself. The moment you stop treating pornography as the problem and recognize the problem for what it truly is is the moment you begin to reboot.
Remember that we treat slips as data here at the Porn Reboot program. I’m not interested in porn so much as I’m interested in what led up to it. I don’t mean the conversation with your buddies at the bar either, the one that got your mind racing and led you to relapse the minute you got through your door at home. I’m interested in the in-between: what emotion did that conversation spark and what were you trying to medicate by watching porn and jerking off when you got home?
It’s not the porn, brother. Your buddies at the bar can go home and leave PornHub running on their TV without a second thought, but not you. And not me, either. We aren’t like those guys, but why? If it were the porn itself, your buddies wouldn’t be able to control themselves with porn on the TV in the living room. So why can’t we?
It’s the emotions we’re using porn to medicate.
You must recognize that the problem lies within yourself, not on PornHub or YouPorn or Instagram, or Hollywood movies. It’s not the women at the gym or women at work or women anywhere.
It’s you.
That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, though. It doesn’t mean you’re evil or pathetic or weak-willed. It simply means that you don’t respond to porn the way that other people do. But it also means that it’s your responsibility to find a way through. And it’s relieving to know that I’m the problem, not the porn because that means I am also the solution.
The same applies to you, brother. If you are the problem then you are also the solution. Your freedom from out-of-control sexual behavior doesn’t sit with any of the porn sites or social media or what women choose to wear. Your freedom from out-of-control behavior is within your power. It’s up to you to recognize that truth, take responsibility for it, and get into action.
It’s also relieving to know that you aren’t alone. You may feel like the only person in the world struggling with this problem, but if you were then the Porn Reboot program wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t have pages of blog posts, hundreds of YouTube videos, and millions of podcast downloads. The problem affects thousands more men than you, brother, and all it takes is a quick look in our free Facebook group to realize you are not alone.
I invite you to take responsibility for the real problem and to join us on the path to freedom from out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. Once you accept that you’re the problem and recognize that you’re also the solution, you can only go up from there. Join us, brother, and find the freedom you’ve been searching for. It’s right here; all you have to do is join in.
I want to spend the next few posts sharing some tips on how to level up your reboot. I’m going to break my three-step process down into three separate posts and cover each step in-depth. These three steps are crucial in ensuring I follow through on whatever I set my mind to. Each is an imperative part of the process when I accomplish the goals I set for myself.
Before I start, I first want to make it clear that there are plenty of things I start and fail at. I don’t accomplish every single thing I set out to do. But when I fail at something it isn’t because I suddenly quit on it and give up. If I fail at something it’s because the timing wasn’t right, I wasn’t well-prepared, or something along those lines. I never fail because I run out of motivation, give up, and throw in the towel.
Giving up is not something I do anymore. This is a value I aim to pass along to every brother in the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program. Sure, you may have to quit things or fail from time to time, but it’s not because you’re lazy or lack the willpower to succeed. Learning when to let go of something instead of falling victim to the sunken cost fallacy is a crucial part of success.
Plenty of brothers waste precious weeks, months, or even years not knowing when to let go of a failure and move on to the next endeavor. Knowing when to quit is a skill, but quitting something because you lack motivation or ran out of steam is no longer an option.
You’re here because you want to succeed. You want to be successful in your reboot. You want to rewire your brain and end your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. I hope these three steps help you take another step in the right direction.
First Step: Make a Decision
The first step I use when setting out to accomplish something is to make a decision. I actively decide what I’m going to do based on the reality of my present circumstances. I can’t succeed at something if I don’t make an unwavering decision to move forward in that direction. So a decision is the first step.
Let’s say the big decision you’re facing right now is taking the necessary steps to end your out-of-control behavior with porn, sex, and masturbation. You need to honestly assess where you currently are. What is your baseline at this point? How much are you acting out? What level of porn addiction are you at?
It seems easy on the surface but I find that many men, especially those early in their reboot, struggle with decisions. They trip themselves up and can’t make a decision because of two common mistakes I notice often.
Mistake #1: Comparing Yourself to Others
Continuing with our example of ending your out-of-control behavior, I often see men start comparing themselves to others. You might hear some stories on the podcast or read some on the blog and think you’re either not as bad as those guys or way worse. Maybe you think the vanilla porn you watch isn’t that bad, or the illicit material you watch makes you the worst guy in the group.
In reality, making comparisons is a huge mistake in either direction. You can’t decide to do something when you’re busy measuring yourself against others’ behavior. If you know something is right for you to pursue, you shouldn’t look around at what someone else is doing to decide whether you should take action. You already know you want to take action, so do it.
Mistake #2: Comparing Stories
The second common mistake is comparing your story to someone else’s. Say you hear about someone experiencing some big wins in their reboot. Maybe you join a coaching session and there’s a guy in the group who seems much further ahead of you. He’s only been part of the program for a month but he’s already quit entirely without a single slip or relapse.
Comparing stories puts you on the fast track to feeling down. It’s a dangerous thing to let yourself do. And once you start comparing stories, usually you’ll progress into making excuses for why you believe you’re further behind. You tell yourself you had it harder than he did, that if you only came from where he did then you could be that successful, too.
I hear things like this all the time. Guys tell me about growing up in poverty, being committed to a psych ward, spending time in foster care, having alcoholic parents, or whatever their particular experience consisted of.
Here’s the thing, brother: everyone has a story. Every guy has a reason to point at for why he is the way he is. And while your experiences are important, using them this way immediately puts you behind, but not for the reason you believe.
Wearing your negative experiences as a badge of victimhood is you giving yourself permission to be less successful.
And oftentimes you aren’t even aware of it.
Strip Away the Excuses and Decide
I want you to recognize whether you’re in the habit of comparing yourself and your story to others. If you find yourself doing it, it’s time to stop. Again, making a decision is the first step, but you must do it without considering others. You know what is best for you; decide, move forward, and quit second-guessing yourself.
It isn’t easy at first but the Porn Reboot system is designed to equip you with the self-confidence you need. You’ll learn to make decisions and trust them. But a decision is only the first step. A decision lays the groundwork but it doesn’t get you very far. The next step is even more important.
Over the years I’ve noticed that some brothers struggle with adopting the Porn Reboot system. There are various reasons why a brother might have a hard time implementing the system, whether it’s an exceptionally busy life, a learning disability, or some other circumstance. I found a few tips that have helped these men learn the Porn Reboot system quicker so they can get on to the deeper aspects of the program and I want to share them with you today.
1. Decide you’re going to focus on rebooting.
It’s easy to say you want to focus on your reboot but actually doing it is something else entirely. If you’re having a hard time implementing the system, you must make a firm decision you will focus on rebooting.
Once you do, you must intentionally set aside time for your reboot activities. This could include time to watch a few videos, listen to a podcast, or read some pages from a book that is part of the curriculum.
2. Set realistic expectations of what you can absorb at one time.
If you struggle with learning the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot system, it’s unlikely that you’re going to absorb big aspects of the program all at once. I suggest you set realistic expectations for what you can hope to achieve in one focused session.
Don’t sit down expecting yourself to read multiple chapters of a book in one session. Instead, set a goal to read a few pages at a time. The more you set yourself up for small wins, the easier it will be to persevere until the system stick.
3. Get the right feedback.
Anyone who has been around the Porn Reboot program for even a short period knows how important I think accountability is. I firmly believe that we should not operate in isolation. We spent large portions of our lives isolating ourselves from our porn addiction; we need to do the opposite if we want to control our out-of-control behavior.
If you want to learn the Porn Reboot system quicker, you need to make sure you get the right feedback. This means checking in with someone else to talk about your progress. Find someone in the free Facebook group and offer to be accountability partners. You can work with them to find what worked and what didn’t, and they can offer neutral feedback from their third-party perspective.
4. Don’t compare yourself to other brothers.
You’re obviously learning the Porn Reboot system with the long-term goal of controlling your out-of-control sexual behavior. However, I notice that men tend to compare themselves to other men who are much further ahead in the program. You might look at your accountability partner or another brother in the program and compare your progress to his.
Maybe you wonder why he can function well on four or five hours of sleep while you need seven or eight to feel optimal. But you’re focused on the wrong thing; the ultimate goal is controlling your behavior. The minute details don’t matter as much as the long-term outcome of ending your porn addiction.
5. Don’t compare yourself to an idealized version of yourself.
Sure, the only person you should compare yourself to is who you were yesterday, but that’s also not an excuse to beat yourself up if you fall short. Don’t develop an idealized version of yourself that you then use to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard. I’ve talked before about the fact that ideals are not grounded in reality; don’t fall prey to the temptation of ideals.
You’ll only delay your progress in the Porn Reboot program if you choose to constantly beat yourself up based on what you “could have” or “should have” been. No one can ever achieve perfection, even the most driven of us in the group. Focus on who you are today and take small steps to become 1% better tomorrow.
6. Know when to stop learning something and start applying it.
It’s so easy to get wrapped up in and distracted by the learning process that you never apply it. The learning process also has the illusion of safety. If you constantly spend your time learning but never applying things, you trick yourself into believing that you aren’t exposing yourself to the possibility of failure.
In reality, the longer you stay in the learning phase, the longer you delay your progress. You live in a hypothetical world until you start applying what you’ve learned to your real life. You must know when it’s time to pause the podcast and implement these strategies in your work life, family life, and sex life. Take moments to apply what you learn before returning to absorb more information.
7. Avoid chasing clarity.
Too many men think they must have absolute clarity before making a decision. I have news for you, though; you’ll never have all of the answers or information you need to decide. You have to learn to make decisions without full clarity. Delaying things based on a lack of clarity will leave you delaying things for the rest of your life.
No matter what you do, you will always have insufficient information. That doesn’t mean constantly making blind decisions about everything in your life. I mean you must learn to trust yourself to know when you have enough information to make an informed decision and move forward with your life.
8. Recognize that you don’t need to know everything to succeed.
You don’t need to understand every aspect of the Porn Reboot system to succeed. You also don’t need to understand every single aspect of sexually compulsive behavior to end your porn addiction.
I’ve learned so many things since ending my out-of-control behavior but I didn’t need to know them to end it in the first place. It’s okay if there are things you don’t know right now; just get started and you’re bound to learn as you go.
9. Understand how you learn best.
Every person has certain ways they prefer to learn that work best for them. Some are visual learners, some are kinesthetic learners, some are auditory learners, and some learn through writing and reading. Personally, I learn more from reading and listening but not as much from watching. I understand that about myself so I choose to read books and take notes when I want to learn about a topic.
Figure out which approach to learning works for you and follow through on it. Don’t worry which way works best for others; that goes back to not comparing yourself. Focus on the ways that work for you and lean into them.
10. Employ the power of visualization.
Whenever you learn about a new aspect of the Porn Reboot system, take a moment to visualize you using it in real life. This is a good way to practice what the strategy might look like or how it may play out before a situation arises when you need to use it.
Visualization is a powerful tool and is great for men struggling to implement the Porn Reboot system. If you’re trying to learn the system quicker and aren’t using visualization, you’re missing out. I still use this method to this day for many different things I’m working on in my life. It takes practice but once you become adept at it, you’ll realize how beneficial it can be.
I want to spend the next few posts sharing some tips on how to level up your reboot. I’m going to break my three-step process down into three separate posts and cover each step in-depth. These three steps are crucial in ensuring I follow through on whatever I set my mind to. Each is a crucial part of the process when I accomplish the goals I set for myself.
The first step I use when setting and following through on goals is making a decision based on my current reality without comparing myself to others. I can’t make any progress if I’m constantly using others as a measuring stick to determine what move to make next.
The second step is developing resolve. Resolving is a vital skill for any man who wants to succeed. I recommend you resolve to transform any challenge you experience into an opportunity. Developing this mindset will help you succeed at anything you decide to do, even if that means making a calculated decision to pivot away from your current goal.
Roadblocks are a part of life. Things don’t always go according to plan. Sometimes we have to adapt to circumstances as they arise. If you have no resolve, you’ll find yourself giving up before the challenges ever really begin. And we already covered the fact that giving up is no longer an option in your new approach to life.
Say you’re in a committed relationship with a woman who knows about your out-of-control sexual behavior. However, she doesn’t know that you relapsed and are struggling to get your behavior under control again. You’re keeping it a secret and hoping she doesn’t find out, but what if she does? Are you prepared to deal with the obstacles that arise?
What if you join the Porn Addiction Recovery – Reboot program and stay off pornography and masturbation for a few months, but eventually you relapse? What would you do if you threw away seven porn-free months? Or what if your behavior escalated to a more severe degree than before? Do you have enough resolve to keep going and try again?
Ultimately, brother, you cannot stop just because you hit an obstacle. If I stopped every time I ran up against an obstacle I would never get anything done. That’s why resolving is the second step in this process. Try to remember that every obstacle you face is simply training for the next stage of your reboot and your life.
I have a few tips to help you along the way to embodying this practice of resolve, and a few action steps to help you bridge the gap between the first and second steps.
Decide if this is a journey you’re willing to commit to.
I define commitment as continuing to do something you said you were going to do long after the emotion of making the decision passes. Everyone wants to quit their out-of-control behavior when their life is falling apart, but what about when it starts coming back together? You must be willing to stick with this long after the desperation wears off. This isn’t an overnight process; it takes 90 days to end your behavior but up to two years to rewire your brain. Are you willing to commit no matter how many tries it takes?
Start thinking about what winning in your reboot looks like.
Define what your reboot looks like to you. What do you want it to feel like? What do you want to accomplish after you end your out-of-control behavior? Where do you hope to be in six months or a year? Start thinking about these things and use them to propel you forward. There’s an important caveat, though; you need to think about what winning looks like for you, not for anyone else. Don’t define it by what I think it should look like, or your wife, your pastor, or your friends. Define it for YOU.
Start taking small actions toward your goal.
You don’t need to take on the entire goal at one time. Break it down into smaller steps. Achieving small wins helps you build momentum so you can keep going once the excitement dies down. The action steps are what separate the people who are willing to work for success from those who only stick around for as long as desperation holds.
Schedule regular reminders to get inspired.
Not taking your reboot seriously is a primary way to kill your inspiration, but another way is to let go of your resolve. For example, say you’re going through an extremely challenging experience that takes a lot of effort to overcome, but you’re negative throughout it and resistant to the process. Sure, you might make it through the obstacle, but you didn’t take anything from it. Remember that every obstacle is an opportunity to grow, and sometimes you need to schedule reminders to keep your perspective in check.
Surround yourself with people on the same journey as you.
I’ll never miss an opportunity to stress the importance of community on your journey, especially the one we’re on. Accountability is a critical part of the reboot process. While your reboot is a very personal journey, none of us have to do it alone. It’s so much easier to commit to the process and keep moving forward when you’re surrounded by other people doing the same thing.
So the first two steps: decide and develop resolve. Both of these lay the groundwork for the third step that I’ll share with you in the next post.
I want to spend the next few posts sharing some tips on how to level up your reboot. I’m going to break my three-step process down into three separate posts and cover each step in-depth. These three steps are crucial in ensuring I follow through on whatever I set my mind to. Each is an imperative part of the process when I accomplish the goals I set for myself.
Over the last few days, I wrote about the first two steps to leveling up your porn addiction recovery reboot and progressing in life as a whole. First, I covered the importance of making a firm decision without comparing yourself to others. Second, I covered how crucial it is to develop resolve, mentally prepare yourself for inevitable obstacles, and turn those obstacles into opportunities.
Today I bring you the most important step in the process. Without this you’ll never make the progress you so desperately hope to achieve. The third step to leveling up in your reboot, brother, is taking action, and you must take this step quickly. Speed is critical.
You can’t say I’ll start tomorrow. You can’t say I’ll start once I install a filter on my device. You have to start NOW. Immediate action is vital because your limiting beliefs and habit patterns will keep you trapped in the same cycle you’ve been in for months or years. You cannot give those beliefs and behaviors a chance to pop up; they are powerful and will sabotage you every time. You have less than five seconds to act before your unconscious mind comes up with all sorts of reasons and excuses for slowing down.
I’ll use a simple example for this three-step process. Let’s say you decide you are going to start waking up early at 5:00 AM. Step one is done. Then you resolve to wake up despite any obstacles that arise, such as a late night with your kid, feeling very tired, your bed being too comfortable, whatever it is. This is a new opportunity for you to learn discipline and deal with resistance. Now you’ve done step two.
Step three is to take action. What do you do when the alarm clock goes off the next morning? Your eyes should open and you should immediately jump out of bed. But lots of guys hit the wall when they reach this point. They decide to hit snooze just once and lay in bed for a few more minutes to gather their thoughts.
Boom. They’re already done for. They set the pace for their day with that one small decision.
Immediate action is crucial, brother. You need to jump out of bed immediately when your alarm goes off. You have five seconds to make that decision, resolve yourself, and take action, or your habit patterns that are years in the making will take over every single time.
Procrastination is not part of the routine of any successful rebooter. Men who end their out-of-control behavior with porn and masturbation and successfully rewire their brains are men who take action. That isn’t to say it’s something that happens overnight; you spent years building up this behavior and it will take at least a few weeks to break it back down. But that means weeks of immediate contrary action in the face of instant gratification.
Maybe you’re asking yourself right now, “What if I don’t have enough time to take action right now?” Perhaps it’s a big project that requires some serious man-hours. But here’s the thing: I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. You’re overthinking it. There is always at least one small action you can take to push back against your ingrained habits and move forward. You just need to do something to get started.
For example, I always suggest new brothers in the group introduce themselves within the first 24 hours of joining. All it takes is a quick introduction to get yourself in the middle of the pack. But brothers who choose not to introduce themselves immediately are less likely to participate in the future.
Your mind must receive the message that the task you’re working towards is so important that you must do it immediately. And you can’t tell me you aren’t used to taking immediate action, you just do it in the wrong direction. You’re probably great at taking immediate action toward distracting yourself. I’m sure you’re quick to jump on YouTube or some other website or app that you enjoy when you’re feeling a bit unmotivated.
You apply these three steps but toward something that drags you backward. You decide to watch some videos or scroll on your phone. You resolve yourself to the idea that nothing will derail you from pursuing this relaxing distraction. And then you take immediate action.
See? You’re already using this three-step process. Now you need to use it to take action that will help you level up in your reboot, not down. Make a decision, resolve yourself, and take action. It’s that simple, brother. It takes time to develop this new habit but I’ve seen countless brothers do it, I know you’re more than capable of it, and the results that come from it will amaze you.
Today’s topic comes from a question brought up in one of our groups. This brother asked,
“J.K., I read your post saying that people who try to live a balanced life tend to not know what their priorities are. I’m headed into my second year of university and my goal is to boost my GPA and improve my social reboot capital by joining clubs at school.
I tend to isolate myself when it comes to my studies, though. I don’t participate in class discussions or answer questions when the teacher asks them. Instead of studying with friends, I go to the library alone and study by myself. I stay in my room, sleep, and repeat.
Is it possible for me to hit both goals or do I need to prioritize one over the other? I don’t want this year in university to be like the first one when I felt overcome by loneliness as I watched my peers connect, but I also don’t want to fail my classes either.”
This is a fantastic question. I appreciate it because it applies not only to our brothers in school but to our brothers in their careers as well. Whether you’re busy with classes and studying or work and trying to build a business or get a promotion, each of these is an important achievement to work towards.
At the same time, many of us find ourselves isolated from our fellows as a result of our out-of-control behavior. We spent years withdrawing from others as we hid away in a cocoon of compulsive porn addiction problem. Reintegrating with the world is a vital part of the reboot process.
But what does rebuilding your social reboot capital look like? It might not look the same for you as it does for other brothers, especially if you’re more of an introvert. This brother mentioned that he prefers studying alone at the library or in his room. He’s attempting to put himself out there by joining some clubs on campus, but he still finds himself spending much of his time alone.
Social reboot capital doesn’t necessarily mean you can tolerate spending hours at a time with people. You must determine who you are as a person when identifying what an effective social reboot looks like for you. That means finding the amount of socialization you can tolerate before losing interest.
Honestly, I’m a pretty big introvert. I find it rejuvenating to spend time alone. I don’t mean isolating myself from people for weeks at a time, but I need some alone time every day. That applies at home, out on the road, or even on guys’ trips with my friends. I recently went to Nashville with some buddies and while they all booked an AirBnB together, I opted to get a hotel room nearby.
I still had some work to do and clients to speak to so I needed space for that. I also prioritize my morning routine and don’t want interruptions, so having my own space made that easier, too. And honestly, there’s only so much catching up I can do with these guys though I still see them as great friends.
We were out there for three days. I had a great time when we went to dinner, hit the gym, or stopped by a bar. I could socialize with them through all of these events and had a blast doing it. At the same time, it was nice to have a space to return to at the end of the night where I didn’t have to deal with guys staying up, talking, and drinking all night. I could maintain my priorities while still having a great time with my friends.
I used to feel like that meant something was wrong with me, but the more time passes, the more I realize that I’m simply an introvert. I need that time alone to recharge my batteries. That might be the case for this brother and it may be the case for you, too. There’s nothing wrong with needing a bit more solitude than those around you.
Don’t use your introverted preferences as a reason to avoid engaging with others, though. It’s important to find some ways to socialize that are interesting and engaging for you. You can join campus clubs, sign up for a dance class, join an improv group, enroll in a martial arts class, or start Brazilian jiu-jitsu, just to name a few. It’s important to put yourself out there socially at least once or twice a week so you start interacting with the world again.
Putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations is the only way we will grow. I had to do it when I was selling Bibles door-to-door as I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about or read here on the blog before. I needed to purposefully put myself in situations where I needed to be social, no matter how uncomfortable I felt at the time.
One of the most important ways you can put yourself out there, brother, is to be a friend. The best way to find a friend is to be a friend. I decided I was going to be the type of friend I was looking for and this was by far the most effective approach I could have taken. I chose to show up for people until they gave me a reason not to. I became far more willing to spend time with people I would not have normally spent time with. And the results were pretty incredible.
I’ll admit not all of those friendships worked out. Some guys I spent time with were needy, others were consistently negative. On the other hand, some of the men I met during this period are still my best friends today. They’re creating exciting lives, building successful businesses, starting beautiful families, and enjoying what the world has to offer.
So I don’t think this brother is abandoning his GPA to build a social life. I think he can find a good balance between the two things by getting honest with himself about who he is and how he prefers to socialize. Perhaps he’s expending more energy than necessary by telling himself he needs to be more social than he prefers. And the same may apply to you, too.
Start by identifying what an effective social reboot looks like for you and go from there. Determine how your progress in your schooling or career fits into that social aspect. And even if you choose to spend more time on your own, don’t neglect the critical component that socialization brings to your reboot either. You can reach a place in the middle that works for you because you alone know what’s best for your social situation.
I’ve worked with my fair share of wealthy men during my years as a porn addiction recovery coach.
Something I’ve noticed during that time, though, is how frequently affluent men avoid seeking help for their porn addiction. Whether their wealth is familial or earned on their own and regardless of their age, their fortunes seem to serve as a barrier to rebooting.
You might think that affluent men have an easier time overcoming their problems. They have all the resources they could ever need at their disposal. How could their wealth get in the way of how to stop porn addiction? In reality, their money is the thing that holds them back. These are the 4 most common barriers that cause trouble for affluent men in their reboot.
1. Denial
Denial is the biggest barrier to rebooting for any man but especially for affluent men. In some cases, the process of coming to terms with their pornography addiction can have serious financial or legal consequences. These men have large things to lose so they want to do all they can to avoid jail time or large fines.
Compulsive sexual behavior can be an expensive habit when you’re hiring escorts or signing up for premium content online. Men with average financial means often hit a financial threshold where they’re no longer able to fund their behavior. But a man with extreme wealth can fund his behavior which allows him to remain in denial for much longer.
2. Stigma
Many affluent men are in the business of appearances. These men fear falling from the social pedestal they live on. Coming clean about pornography addiction or compulsive sexual behavior is unthinkable because of the negative stigma associated with it. The idea of losing their status because of their porn addiction is a terrifying thing.
This is true for men who come from dignified families in particular. Men from families like these have a certain reputation to uphold. If someone discovered the truth about their problem, they could face serious consequences not only for themselves but for their families as well. The shame and guilt that result from the porn addiction stigma hold men back from getting help.
3. Rock Bottom
Men won’t reach out for help with their porn addiction problem until they hit rock bottom. Every man has an individual definition of what rock bottom means to them. For example, maybe it’s when their wife leaves and takes the kids, when the bank accounts are empty and the credit cards are maxed out, or when they’re caught watching porn at work.
Reaching rock bottom is a humiliating and humbling experience that’s important for recognizing that you finally need help. But affluent men with significant financial means oftentimes take far longer to hit this point than those with a more average income. Their monetary resources keep them from sinking to a place where they have to ask for help.
4. Distraction
Wealthy men are oftentimes the kings of distraction. They can fund whatever interest comes to mind no matter how short-term it may be. Even when they fear they might need help, these men can finance all sorts of distractions that avoid looking at the real problem: their porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior.
Affluent men may take some classes or attend a long-term reset retreat in another exotic country. They might seek out a specialist or a therapist to help them with their relationship struggles. These men hire elite personal trainers and business coaches to work out problems in these areas. But the entire time they’re distracting themselves from the pornography addiction which is the true cause of the issue.
Overcoming These Barriers
Don’t get me wrong – these barriers don’t imply that affluent men can’t overcome their pornography addiction and out-of-control behavior. Their accumulated wealth and even some of their lifestyles don’t make them any different from other men trying to control their behavior and take back their lives.
If you’re part of the wealthy segment of men who are addicted to pornography, there’s still hope for you, too. It may take some additional work, some hard boundaries, and some space from your current friend group, but you can do it, too. If you’re a man who truly wants to overcome his behavior you’ll find a way to do it.
You can start here by reading some blog posts or watch a few of the videos on our YouTube channel. We also have a podcast available wherever you listen to podcasts and a free Facebook group for men working to control their behavior with porn and masturbation. No matter where you are in your reboot process, you can find support and understanding if you join us there!
